Latest / Voices for Voices® / I Found God In My Sobriety Journey | Episode 76

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I Found God In My Sobriety Journey | Episode 76 · Voices for Voices®

• 0:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: Hi, my name is Justin Alan Hayes, founder and executive director of Voices for Voices, and this is my overdose story.
• 0:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: Many people may think that overdosing may only stem from prescription drugs or illicit drugs that are purchased on the street heroin, cocaine, crack and then those again that are prescribed.
• 0:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: Maybe somebody's gone through a back injury, a leg injury or is just in that final, final care of life where the thought is to keep people as comfortable and out of pain as possible.
• 1:01
  Justin Alan Hayes: So, there might be prescriptions written from a trusted and certified medical doctor or surgeon for oxy-condone might be the most recognizable name where that prescription particularly was being written for cases that weren't really approved by the organization Purdue Pharma who was putting that out there.
• 1:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: So, there was a little bit of greed or a lot of greed really, that was really out there for that organization to prescribe, prescribe, prescribe and then profits go up.
• 1:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: But the problem with that is with that particular prescription medication.
• 1:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: It has very addicting qualities to that and anybody who knows somebody who has battled addiction whether that is from prescriptions like oxy-cotton or maybe addiction or alcohol, alcohol abuse knows that you may start out at a low dose, maybe 10 milligrams, and then 10 milligrams isn't doing it at some point, because I need a higher dose than 20, then 30, then 40, and you can see how that can really spiral out of control, really, and that's one area of overdosing.
• 2:57
  Justin Alan Hayes: Then that thought is with those illicit drugs on the street, those street drugs that may be referred to as poisoning because somebody, as awful as it is, who may have a habit, a cocaine habit, a crack, a heroin habit well, they may have the habit and that in itself is not great.
• 3:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: But individuals, when they purchase the specific drugs such as heroin, they think that they're getting heroin.
• 3:34
  Justin Alan Hayes: And we're finding that there's a lot of fentanyl coming through the open borders, manufactured predominantly in China, coming up through the southern border of Mexico and really just spilling.
• 3:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: And that comes from a sense of greed too with these drug dealers is they're able to cut the drug two, three, four, five times to be able to make one, two, three, four, two, three, four, five times the profit, while not realizing or maybe they do realize that what they are cutting the particular drug with could have an unintended over.
• 4:19
  Justin Alan Hayes: Unfortunately, maybe there's some sick individuals out there that might have that intended consequence of having an individual overdose and potentially die from that situation.
• 4:33
  Justin Alan Hayes: So what's it have to do with my overdose story?
• 4:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: So right now, being a 41 year old on the road of recovery since 2017, I've had a lot of temptations to go back to consuming alcohol, be using alcohol and other substances as well, and it's really hard.
• 5:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: It's a battle.
• 5:05
  Justin Alan Hayes: It's a daily battle.
• 5:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: It is not something that like a sprained ankle where you may be able to tell when that particular injury heals.
• 5:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: With recovery, and especially given my firsthand account, as a daily battle, some days are easier, some days are tougher, but how this all really comes into the home with myself and our organization is going through recovery does not mean that we'll never get sick.
• 5:46
  Justin Alan Hayes: It doesn't mean I'll never have cold symptoms, flu symptoms.
• 5:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: So that presents a little bit of a challenge, right?
• 5:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: What do I mean by that?
• 6:01
  Justin Alan Hayes: I mean that when I'm not feeling well, go to the doctor.
• 6:06
  Justin Alan Hayes: The doctor diagnosis oh, you have a common cold.
• 6:12
  Justin Alan Hayes: Oh, you have the flu symptoms.
• 6:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: Oh, you have strep, whatever that may be.
• 6:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: And then there are ways to try to combat that certain medications to do so.
• 6:25
  Justin Alan Hayes: Well, given my journey and my experience of being on this recovery journey, I find myself having even more temptations when I'm at the doctor's office and the doctor prescribes a certain medication, then my mind starts flashing back to my late teens, when some of the abuse substance, alcohol abuse really started to begin for me, and that was very recent in that this flashback came about.
• 7:08
  Justin Alan Hayes: It was exhibiting flu-like symptoms, cold-like symptoms.
• 7:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: I wasn't sure what exactly it was, and I was able to stop into the drugstore, talk with one of the pharmacists, and the reason why I wanted to start there was because I am on recovery.
• 7:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: There are certain medications that I'm taking every single day, morning and night.
• 7:34
  Justin Alan Hayes: That's just how my life is with that.
• 7:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I want to make sure that if I try something, let's say over the counter that whatever that specific medication is, it won't interfere with the other medications so the mental health, mental illness medications that I'm taking, because we don't have an interaction and I could turn out bad.
• 8:03
  Justin Alan Hayes: So was at the store that pharmacist was going through the different options of what after I told him my regimen is, and he came across this box.
• 8:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: And this box was a box that flashed me right back to being 18 years old and where the overdose story that I'll get to really began.
• 8:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so this specific box had a cold and cough medicine over the counter and the name of the brand is Corraseedon cold and cough, and nothing against Corraseedon the brand at all.
• 9:03
  Justin Alan Hayes: It was more of the flashback of.
• 9:08
  Justin Alan Hayes: That was the name that took me back to my late teens and specific, I believe at 18, right after graduation of high school.
• 9:25
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so this story begins like a lot of stories kids having fun hanging out with friends, being interested in relationships of the other gender and the other sex, and so that meant wanting to put myself in positions to be able to meet more people than just at school.
• 9:54
  Justin Alan Hayes: At school, I really didn't fit in.
• 9:59
  Justin Alan Hayes: In high school, my sports career, as I wanted it to be, really started to come to an end and I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do in life, whether I want to go into the military, go to college, and because of this uncertainty I really didn't have a plan and I really wasn't able to focus on one specific thing.
• 10:25
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so you layer all that on top of your friends being relationships and meeting people.
• 10:34
  Justin Alan Hayes: I had braces twice and in my younger years I had a lot of acne, and so my face was constantly broken out, constantly broken out and picking at it, and and I'm I would think maybe that would be a part of why baby girls might not have been as interested in me as other other boys at that time.
• 11:09
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so I decided to go into contact with my friends at May, looking for people, looking for people who accepted me, that I thought, accepted me for who I am, and that really brought me into contact with a few different people who at the time I called friends and with my experience particularly, you know, we experimented with different, different things like marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine, and then there was alcohol.
• 11:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: Well, we weren't old enough to purchase alcohol, so the search came on of who knew somebody that was 21 or older.
• 12:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: They could go to the store and buy these high school underage kids alcohol for the weekend, and so we would look at you know what would be the quickest, the highest proof that would get us.
• 12:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: We call buzzed or drunk, and so that was.
• 12:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: That was happening.
• 12:24
  Justin Alan Hayes: So very unhealthy behavior, absolutely not condoning it, but it's a fact.
• 12:32
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so we were the times where we weren't able to find the person 21 or older at the time to purchase that alcohol for us.
• 12:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so we turn to other other things.
• 12:53
  Justin Alan Hayes: I really remember one, one Friday after school, and me and my friends.
• 13:03
  Justin Alan Hayes: We were, we were talking and we were, we were going to go to this club, you know, this teeny bot club where they played the pop music and people dance and meet people and you get the idea.
• 13:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so we didn't have alcohol so we weren't able to quote unquote pregame.
• 13:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: Before we went out for that, one of my friends at the time said, oh well, hey, there, my own friend mentioned this thing and this will help help us get high or have that that high feeling.
• 13:49
  Justin Alan Hayes: And the other term was, you know, floating feeling of like, oh, like I'm, I'm floating, I'm not really walking, so this whole like sensation, and so, as a 41 year old, that scares me, as it probably scares a lot of people.
• 14:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: But where I was and with the people that I was with, I was like, yeah, that sounds like a great idea, so let's do it.
• 14:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: So after the drugstore we went, we were 18 or or so, we we would get carted purchasing this over the counter medication, and so the name of that medication is core seed in cold and cough medicine, and each pack came with 1616 total capsules or tablets, say they.
• 14:53
  Justin Alan Hayes: They call it, so 16 round red tablets to come in each box, and so that first first time, and then a friend at times that, oh well, my buddy took eight of them so that that'll be, that'll be good.
• 15:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so all was really yeah, that sounds great.
• 15:17
  Justin Alan Hayes: So not only were really like yeah, it sounds great, one of us was going to be driving after taking taking those.
• 15:26
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I think it still was like even thinking about this, this progression in my life.
• 15:34
  Justin Alan Hayes: But I know it's going to make sense, it's going to connect with people out there.
• 15:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: As you know, we have followers, listeners, subscribers on every continent of the world.
• 15:46
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I know this is going to, this is going to help, this going to help, even if a parent, somebody going through a tough situation, maybe somebody who knows, somebody who's that be acting out of character and might not be of age of purchasing alcohol, and so maybe this is something to think about.
• 16:08
  Justin Alan Hayes: So the three of us, we each went in and we each went to the shelf, picked up a box of his core seed in cold and cough medicine 16 tablets and we proceeded to pay for that and at that time, overdosing on over the counter, over the counter medicine was starting to happen.
• 16:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so one way governmental authorities and the hospital and healthcare system that they tried to combat.
• 16:49
  Justin Alan Hayes: That was, first off, carding, making sure somebody was at least 18.
• 16:54
  Justin Alan Hayes: And then that data, let's say every day, would go into a database and they would obviously have our driver's license and our birthday and social security number and all that.
• 17:08
  Justin Alan Hayes: So they were able to kind of ping and look and see are these people buying more than one and what are the amounts, and try to fight it that way.
• 17:16
  Justin Alan Hayes: So that was kind of going on on the back end.
• 17:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: So that first time we each had again a pack of 16 and we're like, okay, let's do eight.
• 17:31
  Justin Alan Hayes: And we're like, okay, is that really going to get as high?
• 17:33
  Justin Alan Hayes: Is that going to get as messed up?
• 17:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: These are just thoughts that were going through our heads and a friend of the time is like, yeah, he's like, oh, my buddy took eight and he said it was phenomenal and so really, yeah, that sounds great.
• 17:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: We've kind of went through the process of asking before we purchased and then after we purchased, and so we made a purchase and then we each took eight with a bottle of water and that night it was, it was to say, crazy is the least.
• 18:14
  Justin Alan Hayes: So that floating sensation, that spacey or spacey feeling of like am I really, am I really president, am I really walking, am I really talking?
• 18:29
  Justin Alan Hayes: And at that time that was what we thought was cool.
• 18:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: We thought that was like, oh yeah, like we're, we're getting messed up, we're great, we're having a fun time.
• 18:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so we went to that club and we all had a good time.
• 18:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so that was the first week.
• 18:53
  Justin Alan Hayes: And then in successive weeks after that, we would go more, meaning we would take more.
• 19:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: So we would each, after that first time, we would again we have that, that, that eight leftover from that first pack, and then we would go purchase more.
• 19:11
  Justin Alan Hayes: And I think we we stepped up, maybe from eight the first time, maybe 12 or 13.
• 19:22
  Justin Alan Hayes: Maybe the second time, and then the next week or a couple of weeks after then, we we went up to take in all 16.
• 19:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so we can.
• 19:36
  Justin Alan Hayes: Secondly, we're moving up because we're like, oh wow, and we took eight, but I wonder what you know, wonder what 12, wonder what 13 is going to make you feel like, and you know, I'm, I'm good and I, I was able to function as a human being, right, this is just crazy.
• 19:52
  Justin Alan Hayes: I'm talking about it right now and thinking about how we thought this was a great idea at the time.
• 19:59
  Justin Alan Hayes: So that takes us to my overdose evening.
• 20:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so that evening started like all the other evenings prior where we would get together.
• 20:11
  Justin Alan Hayes: We wouldn't be able to find somebody to purchase the alcohol and go that route.
• 20:20
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so let's go do what we're able to do, like, yeah, they're gonna cart us at the store but they're not gonna stop us from purchasing it.
• 20:29
  Justin Alan Hayes: So we did that and at that point our tolerance, or our level, we were over those 16 tablets.
• 20:44
  Justin Alan Hayes: So we were set to take more than just that first box or those 16 tablets, and so we needed to buy two packs each, because if there were 16 in the first pack and we were stepping up from there, then we needed to get two packs each.
• 21:03
  Justin Alan Hayes: So we did that and my friends, they said, okay, well, let's take I think it was 20, 24.
• 21:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: So it was half of the second pack.
• 21:17
  Justin Alan Hayes: So instead of just jumping up by two or three, it's like, oh, yeah, we'll just jump up.
• 21:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: The more we jump up, that makes even better sense.
• 21:26
  Justin Alan Hayes: And it absolutely does not.
• 21:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so I remember really, sitting in the back seat of my friend at the time's car we all have two packs they're talking about, okay, let's take the 24.
• 21:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: And I'm like, oh yeah, and so I was like, all right, so I took the 24.
• 21:52
  Justin Alan Hayes: And then the only way I can explain it is by saying, like this competitive nature, which is not good in this particular respect.
• 22:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: So usually competitive, someone's competitive at a spelling bee.
• 22:09
  Justin Alan Hayes: Well, I wanna spell more words than my competition.
• 22:12
  Justin Alan Hayes: If I'm playing baseball and I'm a pitcher, I wanna strike out the most batters and I want to give up the fewest runs.
• 22:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: I want to, in basketball, have the highest score at the end, and so those are kind of competitive thoughts.
• 22:30
  Justin Alan Hayes: But I brought that over kind of into just being human and being alive, and so I ended up taking two full packs of this course, seeding cold and cough on medicine.
• 22:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: So take 16 in the first pack, 16 in the second pack, you add that together and you get 32.
• 22:54
  Justin Alan Hayes: So that was what I took that night and I wasn't driving.
• 23:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: We were on our way to, I remember we were on our way to watch scary movie and the theater and I took the 24 that we were talking about.
• 23:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: But I'm being honest with my friends, kind of within about a minute or two after I took the rest of them.
• 23:23
  Justin Alan Hayes: So then I took those 32 and my friends were like, what did you do?
• 23:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: And I was like, oh yeah, I took 32.
• 23:31
  Justin Alan Hayes: You guys were clinked in 24.
• 23:33
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I had to do one up, one better, which is terrible, absolutely terrible, awful, life threat being dangerous, and I wish I never did that.
• 23:48
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I took the 32, it took about, I don't know, maybe 20, 25 minutes.
• 23:57
  Justin Alan Hayes: We're at the movie theater versus the lights are out and the movie's on the screen and I felt fine during the movie.
• 24:08
  Justin Alan Hayes: But it was when movie let out, when the lights came on and I tried to walk and literally walk up the ramp out into the hallway and then outside and then to the parking lot, to the car.
• 24:22
  Justin Alan Hayes: That's when I was like, oh my gosh, I feel like I am floating and I feel like I'm literally in outer space and so like not only that, I was looking like a zombie, because it was like I had my hands out as I was reaching for something to hold onto as I was walking, because with that space out, feeling it's like, oh well, I could fall at any moment.
• 24:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: Then my friends were like are you okay?
• 24:54
  Justin Alan Hayes: I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
• 25:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: And then we continued to walk into the lobby and they're like, are you sure you're okay?
• 25:09
  Justin Alan Hayes: I'm like, yeah, it's fine.
• 25:11
  Justin Alan Hayes: Like, let's go get something to eat.
• 25:13
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so we went over to Perkins.
• 25:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: That was our thing to do.
• 25:16
  Justin Alan Hayes: Yeah, we can't go to a bar, so we'll go hang out here.
• 25:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so we went there and ordered food and I had to go to the bathroom.
• 25:31
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so the waiter and waitress, they said, oh well, you know, you go out here, you turn right and the left.
• 25:41
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so they're given directions which I normally would be able to understand.
• 25:46
  Justin Alan Hayes: Well, I couldn't really understand it.
• 25:49
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I found myself in the lobby of the Perkins restaurant and just wandering, like having that zombie look of that floating, and I found myself in the kitchen of the restaurant where, like, I walked in because I had no concept of literally anything at that point, and so I was helped, like, oh, the bathroom's over here and somebody barked with me.
• 26:20
  Justin Alan Hayes: Uh, and Somehow, maracus.
• 26:28
  Justin Alan Hayes: They went to the bathroom, then had another journey to find the table that we were sitting at.
• 26:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: Like who am I with?
• 26:37
  Justin Alan Hayes: Where are we at?
• 26:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: What's going on?
• 26:39
  Justin Alan Hayes: Just totally oblivious, not in my mind at all.
• 26:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: Molly made it back to the table and I remember having this like queasy feeling.
• 26:54
  Justin Alan Hayes: So, besides all these other sensations going on, I was getting this like queasy feeling.
• 26:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: It's like 32 of something.
• 27:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: Whether it was good for me or not, I would probably recommend that 32 of anything is probably not a good idea to be taken.
• 27:12
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so I had a cup of water and I threw up in the water on the table and my friends are like oh my gosh, oh my gosh, are you okay?
• 27:25
  Justin Alan Hayes: What's going on?
• 27:26
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so they really started to freak out at that point, because I did that and then I just put the cup over on the table.
• 27:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: And then another error, kind of like if you finish a cup of water and then you move it over to have it filled up, or something like that.
• 27:46
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so they started to get real, real concerned and luckily, at that point there was an off-duty policeman and he was saying, basically saying you know, your friend's really sick, he needs to go to the hospital.
• 28:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: So at that point it was at the release crossroads, because up until that day, and actually during that day, as good friends that we were, and as great things we were doing, which we weren't, we were doing awful things we're doing, dangerous things that never should do.
• 28:26
  Justin Alan Hayes: We would have this pact of saying if somebody is high or messed up, just go and drop them off at home and they will sleep it off, wake up in the morning and start anew.
• 28:47
  Justin Alan Hayes: Well, at that point that was an option.
• 28:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: So my friends, at times they could have did that, so they could have carried me, helped me to the car, get a seat and they could have took me to my house and, first of all, for me, tried to find the door to the house and my parents and there had been so many more hurdles that I would have to get through just to get on to bed at that point to sleep it off.
• 29:21
  Justin Alan Hayes: The luckily my friends at the time, they ended up taking me to the hospital, which is where I belong.
• 29:30
  Justin Alan Hayes: At that point we didn't realize how serious it really was.
• 29:36
  Justin Alan Hayes: I remember we got to the hospital and I was like why are we here, why don't you take me home and get in?
• 29:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: This argument, and I'm with the receptionist and she's asking me my social security number and there's basic check-in information.
• 29:51
  Justin Alan Hayes: And then I would give two numbers on my social security number and then my mind would just wander and then they would say, okay, what's your social security number?
• 30:03
  Justin Alan Hayes: And I would start over again and it took, I think they said close to 10 minutes for them to get my social security number out of me.
• 30:12
  Justin Alan Hayes: Because it was just, I was just in terrible shape, in dangerous shape.
• 30:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: I was like don't call my parents, don't call my parents, they call my parents.
• 30:24
  Justin Alan Hayes: You want your parents there got forbid, something bad is going on.
• 30:36
  Justin Alan Hayes: So they called them.
• 30:39
  Justin Alan Hayes: I end up in the emergency room and they hooked me up to all these wires and I'm like I'm not staying here and I'm like I'm going home.
• 30:53
  Justin Alan Hayes: My car's not here, so I don't know how I'm going to get anywhere because I don't have my car here.
• 31:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: And even if I did, I shouldn't have been driving in that state and not to mention being in the hospital gown and all that I can just visualize.
• 31:14
  Justin Alan Hayes: It was just very warped, thinking it's not right.
• 31:20
  Justin Alan Hayes: And next thing, I know they were trying to pump my stomach, right, so they're trying to get the ingredient out.
• 31:32
  Justin Alan Hayes: That was making me feel that euphoria because what it was doing it was putting a huge amount of pressure on my organs to filter that through.
• 31:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: And, as I will later find out that if my friend at the time didn't take me to the hospital, the doctor said he probably wouldn't have even made it.
• 31:57
  Justin Alan Hayes: And when I say he wouldn't even made it, that means I would have died, I wouldn't have been alive.
• 32:04
  Justin Alan Hayes: So this high feeling, this fun, all this warped thinking of where we were at as a group of people could have just came to an end tragically and it was still tragic of having to have one of your friends in the hospital be admitted, have their stomach pump, be there for and to this day I still don't even remember it was here two or three days that I was in the hospital.
• 32:39
  Justin Alan Hayes: So then came the questions were you trying to kill yourself?
• 32:44
  Justin Alan Hayes: Were you trying to commit suicide?
• 32:45
  Justin Alan Hayes: And as I was coming to it in the hospital, I was like no, I wasn't trying to hurt myself, I was just trying to get high.
• 32:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: We were just being competitive and we started out with this many few weeks ago and then we worked our way up and then I'm a competitive person, it's all these things Now that I'm talking about it, we're absolutely there was so dangerous.
• 33:18
  Justin Alan Hayes: Just that thought process of like, yeah, that makes sense, let's take more, let's do more.
• 33:25
  Justin Alan Hayes: That we were and I was so smart that I knew more than what my body could handle.
• 33:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: That's a bunch of BS, because I'm not a doctor.
• 33:41
  Justin Alan Hayes: I wasn't a doctor, and to understand what organs can go through and still kind of survive, I still don't have a concept of that.
• 33:54
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I wasn't really in a position to say, yeah, I'm a respected authority on this particular topic, like yeah, I don't think so.
• 34:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: So the social worker was asking me more questions.
• 34:12
  Justin Alan Hayes: Once I was released from the hospital, I was asked to go into counseling for a period of visits and sitting here now, I don't remember exactly how many visits I went through, but each of them I had this mindset that I didn't need to be here, I don't have a problem, I wasn't trying to hurt myself, I wasn't trying to harm myself, and so that, coupled with my general physician prescribing and the antidepressant for me, it just all wasn't really mixing.
• 34:56
  Justin Alan Hayes: So I had that kind of rebellious attitude even after what I went through.
• 35:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: I'm like I don't need this, I don't need to take this, and all these events were just kind of coming together and that really led me to when I was able to turn 21 and at times I was able to consume alcohol and go overboard and pre-gain before I would go out somewhere and then drink more after and then continue different other prescription medicines or friends would they call.
• 35:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: I have some Xanax, I have an OxyCot, and so it's like I'll buy this off you and so they're legally getting it and you're legally, or I'm illegally, buying it, and so that just kind of morphed into where I was as an individual and which led me to 2017, in November, where I just had a complete crash of my body, my mind, my spirit and I can really look at this point, back at that overdose situation that I went through and which led to my hospital stay as an inflection point.
• 36:42
  Justin Alan Hayes: I started to go down that road and I just kept going and I found a different way and again, when I was able to start that consumption of alcohol and purchase it on my own, I mean I'm not gonna go out and I'm just gonna go out and I'm gonna go out on my own, and most all the other methods went by the wayside, because it was like, oh, I can get alcohol anytime I want, I'm gonna go purchase what I want when I want, I'm gonna go out to the bars, I'm gonna partake in activity and thinking that that was good I'm gonna go to.
• 37:22
  Justin Alan Hayes: Whether it was over the counter, like that Corsi and Kolenkov, or whether it was again Xanax or an ecstasy, oxyc, holy, whatever those were then alcohol all those were having the same impact kind of on my mind of I can't handle the world.
• 37:48
  Justin Alan Hayes: And, as sad as it is to say, I couldn't handle the world, I couldn't handle my life, and it's nothing against my family or anything like that.
• 38:07
  Justin Alan Hayes: For whatever reason, I was just not equipped, or the damage from all the different things substances and that I did started to eat out my body in different ways, and so I would be having anxiety and all kinds of places of driving, of being in a restaurant to eat, and then I would feel like I was allergic to things.
• 38:40
  Justin Alan Hayes: So then I wouldn't eat and I lost close to 30 pounds in a couple of months period.
• 38:48
  Justin Alan Hayes: Different jobs, different situations.
• 38:50
  Justin Alan Hayes: With those, I was just found myself just unhappy, didn't know what to do.
• 38:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: I really just did like a kind of turtle does and it goes into their shell and I just wasn't able to kind of process the world because up until that point I went to a 2017, I was using a substance one way or another as a crutch for all kinds of situations.
• 39:25
  Justin Alan Hayes: If I was traveling, if I was on an airplane oh, I can get some alcohol, I'm gonna have a few drinks and do that.
• 39:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: I hope I'm going to the club.
• 39:37
  Justin Alan Hayes: Oh, I'm gonna go to the store, buy what I need, make sure I have it and go that route.
• 39:44
  Justin Alan Hayes: If I was in college myself, there were times where I would drink alcohol before I'd get presentations, because the anxiety and the stress it was just so overbearing and I was like I can't get through this unless I have a drink.
• 40:05
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so those types of activities again, whether it's a tablet or whether it is a power or whether it is a liquid substance, all of those things really were contributing to where I find myself.
• 40:29
  Justin Alan Hayes: And the reason why I wanted to put this together this specific way is because, over the course of starting this Voices for Voices organization, I referred to overdosing and a situation that I've gone through and I really haven't given a whole lot of description, descriptors around what that was, what that looked like from the person that's actually doing it, and I feel that this is the right time where we're at, as an organization, to come out and share this particular story, I do feel some shame and some embarrassment around it.
• 41:19
  Justin Alan Hayes: I feel embarrassment around certain people that are going to view this and listen to this and go, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
• 41:30
  Justin Alan Hayes: And I've just gotten to the point through my life that by sharing my experiences good, bad and different that that's the best way that I'm going to have a chance of helping somebody is by just sharing my story, my voice, and we're Voices for Voices, and this is my voice, the voice years ago, my voice now, and Voices for so many out there who have gone through a similar situation, know somebody who has unfortunately lost somebody in whatever manner, whatever way.
• 42:20
  Justin Alan Hayes: It doesn't matter how we've lost people, because losing somebody doesn't help bring them back, and what I want to do is to at least share information and put it out there.
• 42:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: So there's again parts of stories, there's words, there's verbiage that I talk about in this particular episode that might not be best suited for kids, and so, as an adult caregiver, please just be careful with this, and this might be one of those episodes where you, as the parent, the caregiver, the grandparent, the uncle, the aunt, the sister, the brother what have you, the friend, where you might just want to take some of the content in and maybe share at your own pace with those individuals that you care and you love about or love.
• 43:29
  Justin Alan Hayes: And I can even sit here today and say, even somebody that I might not get along with, I don't wish this particular experience and situation on them, whether we're the best of friends or whether we're not, because what I've also learned is an overdose, any type of a situation, it doesn't just impact the one individual, the one person.
• 43:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: It impacts their friends, their family, their acquaintances, their colleagues, and so it's important, as a human and my quest to help humanity, to just get as much information out, share as much as I can.
• 44:19
  Justin Alan Hayes: Some you might agree with, some you might not agree with, I might agree how I bring up different topics or vice versa, but I can promise you that every episode that we have filmed and recorded and aired and that is available now in perpetuity has had a lot of thought and care and insight into bringing people from all walks of life to share their experiences, because we're all part of this world of humanity, and so, whether you live in Buenos Aires, Argentina, new South Wales, australia, kiev, ukraine, warsaw, poland, rome, italy, paris, france, toronto, canada, new York City or right here in Northeast Ohio, know that everything you're going to hear and have her or her view from the inception of voices or voices.
• 45:30
  Justin Alan Hayes: And going forward is another step to share information, to help people share their voices or share the voices of somebody they may know that may no longer be with us and it's with that I bring this particular episode to a close.
• 45:58
  Justin Alan Hayes: Tough subject, tough to talk about, tough to hear, tough to bring in.
• 46:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: And tough for me to have that deja vu, a couple weeks ago, being in that pharmacy, just as I was when I was 18 years old, this time being prescribed the same over the counter medicine for the symptoms I was having, as did I overdose when I was 18 years old.
• 46:26
  Justin Alan Hayes: And so there's that thought of, oh my gosh, this is what I overdosed with it.
• 46:32
  Justin Alan Hayes: There's that temptation of like, oh, maybe I should take more than more than as directed on on the box.
• 46:38
  Justin Alan Hayes: That quickly came in one because of where I'm at with my recovery.
• 46:43
  Justin Alan Hayes: I'm in a very, very good, good part, a stronger area, stronger part.
• 46:53
  Justin Alan Hayes: So those thoughts came in one, but those thoughts nonetheless, they, they come, and if you're in my position I know somebody.
• 47:02
  Justin Alan Hayes: Just support those people, support what they're doing, or it's one more day of sobriety, one more day of treatment that they've gone to.
• 47:15
  Justin Alan Hayes: Whatever that is, it might not seem like a big deal to you, but it's a big deal to that that person Because, as easy as it might be for you to turn the other, turn the other way or say no to something, we know that addiction is a disease and that affects our brains.
• 47:37
  Justin Alan Hayes: So there's a lot of things that are going on in our brain and our unconscious mind that are that are occurring, that it's easy to say well, I, I can say no.
• 47:52
  Justin Alan Hayes: Why can't they say no, I stopped, so why can't they stop?
• 47:55
  Justin Alan Hayes: Well, why can't they?
• 47:56
  Justin Alan Hayes: Why can't they learn?
• 48:00
  Justin Alan Hayes: Those are long the ways where I was as an individual, and so my again and our permanent goal is just to be have, have, loving compassion towards others, not to judge others, because it it's easy to judge others and say I wouldn't do that, I don't know why she did that, or I don't know why he does that, I don't do it, I've never had a problem, my family's never had a problem.
• 48:27
  Justin Alan Hayes: You know, let's just get past that as a society, as a humanity, and only just support people when they're going through a hard time, whatever that is.
• 48:35
  Justin Alan Hayes: Let's just embrace that.
• 48:37
  Justin Alan Hayes: Let's go out of that route and see if we can come out on the other end as a more connected, caring, loving and compassionate human and humanity in the world.
• 48:54
  Justin Alan Hayes: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.