Latest / Dear Chelsea / Getting Better at Marriage with Anna Faris

Transcript

Getting Better at Marriage with Anna Faris · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, how are you Hi? I'm great today. O God.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I was looking online this morning for chow rescues to
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: see and if any of my listeners know about this,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: to see if there are full chows that are rescuable,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: because I really want my next dog to be a
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: full blown chow, but I don't want to buy one
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: from a breeder. I know there's a bunch of chow
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: mixed rescues. I'll probably end upetting a chow mix. But
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: if anyone has a full blown chow that they want
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: somebody to take, I'm your person. I don't care. I
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: want more. I just want that face in my face,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: that fucked up, scrunchy face. I do know which time
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: I spend on TikTok and Instagram looking at chow videos.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: It's so pathetic. And then the and they come in
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: so many different colors and sizes. There's white, there's black,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: there's orange, there's brown ones. Did I ever tell you
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I had a chow mix growing up. Yeah, he was
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: a German chopherd chow, but he looked much more chow.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: His name was Buster. I think is a dominant thing.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Child's have any child that it's the dominant trait, just
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: like you know, he had like the purple tongue and everything.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: He was just there, just the cutest dog. So that's
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: my latest venture is to find a dog because I've
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: spent so much time at home that I can just
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: give the dogs to my bell to finally this it'll
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: just repeat. Talk about repeating a cycle of abuse, I'm
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: basically repeating a cycle of just not being considered a
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: real parent exactly. But now you have Joe in your life,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: so he can like help co parent and you know, yeah,
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: more experiencing parenting it than I do, so I guess
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: he would be a good po co parent. He just
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: doesn't like when the dogs sleep in our bed, which
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: I you know, I do, Like you want that, I
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: want that body. I like when I hear Bernie's snore
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: in the middle of the night age. I frecking love that.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: It makes me laugh. In the middle of the night.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: The other night, there was like I don't know what
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: was going on, but she came up to the doggy
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: steps and she was whining like she do and she
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: never does that, and I look up and she's like,
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: can I come in? And it was basically like can
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: she come into bed? Because Joe wasn't there. I was like, yeah, bitch,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: get up here, let's do this. I was like, I
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: will staple you to the bed. You have to. I
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: even like when Mimsy like kicks me in the night,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: like she wants to sleep in between my legs and
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: she like kick to Like, I want someone who wants
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: me all the time. That's the kind of dog I'm
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: looking for. I thought I didn't like that because I
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: had that in Chunk, But I'm ready for round two
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: of Chunk exactly. Well. We have a quick update from Tara,
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: who called it on one of our episodes, and she
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: was coming out. She was married to a man, but
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: she was coming out as a lesbian and I was
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: gonna like talk to her family, and she was on
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Lily Saying's episode, Yeah, yeah, I remember. So she said,
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: things have been going well for me after I told
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: my mother, which turned out to be somewhat of a
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: heart crusher. I did take Chelsea and Lily's advice and
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: basically stopped giving a shit about who I had to
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: come out to and how I was going to do it.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I took the same approach to coming out as I
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: do when people ask me why I don't have social media.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: My life is none of anyone's fucking business. My advice
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: to anyone else in the same situation as this, your
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: life is your story, nobody else's. You will share different
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: chapters with different people. Some will be great, some will
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: be not so great. But you choose how it's told
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: and who you tell it to. And always remember, when
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: it feels like you're turning your life upside down, you're
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: actually turning it right side up. Tara, Oh God, lovely,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: just look at this little ripple effect this podcast is having,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: giving people time to share their problems and then them
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: taking advice and making changes in their lives. What a nice,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: nice development. You guys, We love the feedback. Always send
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: it in and if you want to send in any questions,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: it's at Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com. Mmm,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: let me just put my bifocals on. Okay, let me
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: mention some show dates I have coming up. I am
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: winding down my summer dates. I'll see everybody in Hawaii
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: July first and July three Honolulu Cahuli, so I'll be
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: on Oahu and Maui, and then July I'll be in Montreal.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: The just for last festival and August twelve, two shows
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: in Vancouver, and then Calgary August and August four, and
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: then I just added another twenty two cities after that.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: If you go to Chelsea Handler dot com. If I
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: haven't already been to a city near you, I'm definitely
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: coming to a city near you then, so check Chelsea
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: Hamdler dot com. Four tickets. Today's guest is Anna farm Ship.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Today's guest has her own podcast as well. It's called
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Unqualified Please Welcome on a Forest. No, today's guest has
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: our own podcasts as well. It's called Unqualified. Please welcome.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Anna Ferris Hi. Hello, Hello, Oh my god, look at
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: how the tables have turned turned turned. You were the
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: first original person to ever have a podcast, right well
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: after Mark Maron. I was the first original. You invented podcasting,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: and boy do I regret it. I know, look at
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: what Look at what a ship show? And now everybody
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: has a fucking podcast. People, unborn babies have them. Oh
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: my god. Like in two thousand fifteen, I was able
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: to say I think I'm starting a podcast and people
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: would inevitably be like, what is that again? And I
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: would say, like, cereal, you know that's thing that's going
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: around and now here I am, and you know, well,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: you should just remind people that it was one of
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: the original podcasts, you know. Yeah, I've actually had one since. Yeah,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: I'll remind all my guests. Yeah, I think that's a
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: good actually opening statement and opening thesis, if you will.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Can I be a guest and open with a clunty
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: you're going to pull some ship like that on us.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I knew it. I fucking know your ship and I
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: knew you were gonna go yeah, because I know you
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: just had my lover on Joe Coy. He was on
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: your podcast recently. I adore him. Who doesn't, Oh my god?
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: He was so to great guest. So wait, though, when
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: you guys had known each other forever, when when did
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: it turn to romance? The first penetration happened last August.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: We were friends forever, but we hadn't been hanging out
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: for many years. I hadn't seen him, and then he resurfaced,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: and then he would not get the funk out of
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: my face, you know what I mean. He was on
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: it and on it, and he kept re resurfacing, and
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: even I went away for three and a half months,
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: and we kind of kept in touch and then it
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: just turned into like, all of a sudden one day,
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: I just was like, oh, wait a second, I think
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: that this is my guy, Like this is it. But
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: that's a major shift in mentality. I mean, he probably
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: crushed on you forever. That's because, you know, because it's
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: a it's a little I don't know in my experience.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: I guess that most guys who are friends with me
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: back in the day because I don't have any friends anymore.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: But that's so Anna, so you you're always talking about
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: you have no friends, which is ridiculous. I think, well,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: that's a it's a different subject, I suppose because I
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: think I'm lazy and I'm a hermit. I kind of
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: enjoy my own company. And also we have three kids.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Now this is all born I want to talk about.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: That's not boring. This is your life. The last thing
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: my listeners need to hear is more shit about Joe
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Koy and me, because that's all we talk about. So
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: we do need to talk about you. Act. I'm just
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: so happy for you. I'm so happy for you. I
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: appreciate that, like, and making that mental switch from friend
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: to lover is kind of difficult, don't you think, yeah,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: I do think. I mean, it's not difficult because the
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: ease with which you can be yourself with that person
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: outweigh any difficulties that surround that kind of transition, because
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: it's really not difficult, you know. I mean, I suppose
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: if we were having it had a fair that would
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: have been difficult, you know, if one of us had
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: been cheating on somebody or whatever. But it was just
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: so pure and nice and like everyone was rooting for us.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: And that was also one element that I wasn't ever
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: expecting because if you know, you had told me I
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: was going to date somebody else who's well known, I
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: would be like, no, no, now, I'm not doing that.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: That's the last I wanted, like a finance guy. And
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: then I found out how fucking boring finance guys are.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: So it's much better to be with somebody that you know,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: you think is cool, Like I think Joe is cool,
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Like he everybody thinks he's cool, you know, and he's
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: definitely cooler than I am in terms of my family dynamic,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: like all my nieces and nephews now just think Joe
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: is like the coolest, and I fucking love that. Because
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: pressure is off. I'm sick of being cool. I want
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: to like a time out, you know, I just want
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: to be alone and do my thing and smoke a
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: joint on the beach and not be asked too many questions.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: My enthusiasm for life is different than it used to be.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: Like now, I really enjoyed my solitude. So I can
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: relate to what you're saying about being a bit of
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: a recluse. When you said that it would be like
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: difficult if there was infidelity involved. You do not seem
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: like a person who is a cheater. Is that right?
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: You know I wouldn't cheat on somebody. I would just
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: break up with them. That's so mean. Well that's because
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: that's how I've always perceived you as being. Maybe proud
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: is is incorrect, but sort of the idea of like
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: proudly straightforward. Yes, I'd like to be direct. I don't
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: like to mess with Like if people have a decision,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: if they want to be around you, you know, you
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: give them the information that they need. Here's the truth.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: If you don't like it, I totally get it, but
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: here it is. So if I were to do that,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I would be very upfront about it. But I'm not
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: like that, like, I just wouldn't even get myself into
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: a situation where I mean that's maybe when I was younger, Yeah,
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: when I was a little bit more reckless. Now I'm like,
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to hurt somebody in that way. I
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: don't want to be responsible for anybody being in pain.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: I I think that's amazing. So anyway, that's enough about me.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: On a we're near, we're here to talk about you,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: and then we're gonna give advice to callers, so you
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: don't even have to talk about it, so you don't
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: even have to talk about yourself for so long. So
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: just I want you to think about that as we
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: go into this next phase of the interview. I love it.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: But you did mention that you are with three children now,
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: and I know that you have one, so the other
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: two I'm assuming came from your new husband. Yes, they're teenagers,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: fifteen and eighteen. Oh whoof, that's a far cry from
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: what you were dealing with. Oh man, And I am
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: the youngest child. I was a camp counselor, so I
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: had that experience, and I was a really shitty babysitter.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: There's a peanut allergy story. I didn't believe in allergies. Anyway, whatever,
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I almost killed a kid. It could have been a
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: whole different life for me, But being a step mom
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: has been I'm still learning, I really am. I felt
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: at first like I wanted to be kind of like
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: this wild, new, reckless person in their lives because I
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: was also going through a divorce, and so I had
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: that Now that I'm like a divorce veteran because I've
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: been divorced twice, there is this kind of shift that happens.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Especially it hit hard the first time I turned into
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: somebody that I didn't recognize, Like I was always the
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: kind of person that had their fridge filled and I
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: hosted a lot of dinners. That was back when I
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: had friends a time, long, long, long time ago. But
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: then I found myself in this apartment with just beer
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: and mustard in the fridge and I and I was
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: going out all the time. I had no one to
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: text or call and say, hey, can I do this? Essentially,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: it was incredibly liberating, and I reverted to you know,
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: like seventeen years old. I went to a bar. I
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: was like, yeah, dangerous. I would have done something like
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: that at seventeen as well. I was down to get
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: busy with whatever. And I also took a lot of
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: pride in knowing that I could handle more drugs than
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: anybody else and I would still be able to like
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: get us home or navigate something some situation to get
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: us taken care of. I took a lot of pride
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: in that, And that's rebellion and recklessness. Obviously. I never
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: I was never promiscuous, though. Is that like an old
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: time term? I think so. I think so. I was
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: never promiscuous, but because I was terrified, I was terrified
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: that I wasn't a good lover. I was terrified that,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: especially young. When I was younger, I was so self
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: conscious of my body. I didn't want anybody to see it,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: but I would dance on the edges of it. I
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: wanted to be desired desperately. Right, How long was your
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: first marriage? Two and a half years? So dollars? Okay, okay,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: poppy that? And then how long was your second marriage?
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Ten years? About ten years? Was it? You're getting better
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: at a year? Eight years? Yeah, you know, it's kind
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: of how I feel about Chelsea lately. I don't know
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: if it was eight years or ten years. So you're
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: getting better at it. Though a ten year marriage is
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: is not not success. It's not a it's it was
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: ten years. I think it was like seven, but it wouldn't. Yeah,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: but we were together for ten years. But anyway, Yeah,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: I think there is it's slow growth on my end. Yeah, well,
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: some of us are a little bit more. I feel
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: like there's areas in my life where I've matured in
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: a short amount of time as a little kid, and
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: then there are areas in my life where I'm still
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: acting like a little girl. Chelsea. I feel like you
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: and I might have this in common. I don't know,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: but I think this time it has been easier for
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: me to accept a lot of love. It's still it's
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: like I still kind of struggle with it. But are
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: you like that though? If there's so much love, like
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: I think just when I was younger, if there was
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: a lot of love, like I must have subconsciously liked
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: a chase or something that I don't know. It feels
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: healthier though, whatever it is. It feels like I can
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: be loved. Yeah, right, which is such a It feels
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: like a corny thing to say, but it's true for
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: many of us. You know, it's the same way we
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: feel about compliments when people are unwilling to receive compliments,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: like you know, I don't know if those two things
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: are related, but like I don't like a lot of adulation.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: I don't like a lot of people telling me to
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: my face how great they think I am. I love it.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: For them to be doing it behind my back, that's fine,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: but don't involve me in that, you know, Like it's
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: it's uncomfortable. And then I have to say thank you
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: and thank you and thank you. And I've spent to
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: I'll like in an ordinate amount of my time saying
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: thank you to whether it's my fans backstage at a
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: show telling me, you know, nice things about myself. It's
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: like that becomes too much and then it loses its meaning, right,
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: it doesn't affect you in the same way it should
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: each time. Joe Coy is very good at receiving adulation
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: and adoration. He loves that. And I know what you're
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: saying about that, but I wonder if that is connected
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: to the love part. It could be, yeah, because for
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: a while, it would be annoying to have somebody adore
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: you that much. It's like there's a revulsion there. But
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: that revulsion is a protection over your own person. You're
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: trying to preserve yourself and not get hurt to the
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: point where you would have be vulnerable to them, right.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: You know, my mom is an but was this stunning,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: stunning woman. She grew up dirt poor, she had to
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: get like all her teeth fixed and stuff, but she
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: really like, I kind of want to show you a picture.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: But she never complimented my physical appearance. And because I
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: was such a late bloomer at chubby cheeks, I wore
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: headgear for fucking years. I think my parents did that
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: to me because they wanted me to stay a virgin,
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: even though even though their atheist, I it was that
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: was that was one of the struggles of my life
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: for sure. So I think that I can accept compliments
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: that are about my work well, and I'm very grateful
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: for that. But especially in Hollywood, like fear at a
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: thing and everybody looks beautiful and someone is like, oh,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: you look so beautiful, I can't absorb that very well,
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: at least it's a little too much. So I just
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: you know, got fake boobs and mayor. That was my strategy,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: and I decided to have no more friends. She's like,
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: that's it. It's me myself and I that's right. I
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: feel like i've met your mother. When I have met
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: your mother, maybe yeah, maybe there was a party at
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: my house once, and I believe you were there with
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: your mother. This was many many years ago. God was
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I there with my mother? Why would I do that? Oh?
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: My god? Where else would I have met her? Or
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: maybe I met her when I when I did your
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: podcast when year at your house, it was definitely in
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: a house setting. That feels right. I think that's right.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: I think that's what it was. That was when you
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: were still married to Chris, because he was outside drinking
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: a beer. There was another guy, and then you and
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I were at your old house recording the podcast. Ok,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: this is my mother on her honeymoon. Like she has
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: like she looks like something from that movie, that surfing movie,
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: Gidgets surfing movie. Totally, she had like that whole look,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: but she didn't know it. She's very uncomfortable. I think
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: that because it was her identity, Like it was kind
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: of how she broke through and she met my dad.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: But she never played it up. She was always I mean,
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: as far as I know, they've only slept with each other,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: you know, getting back to my parents weird philosophy about sex,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: But what's your relationship with your mother? Like now we're
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: really close, We're really close. She had a tremendously difficult childhood,
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: and as I get older, I can see how that
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: really affected her, and it's kind of it's really remarkable
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: that she is is as great as of a mom
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: as she is. I think, I mean her parents. I
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: just never told this story. I'll tell it if you
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: guys don't mind. Her parents One Easter when I was nine,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: they had this really dumpy family cabin. They lived in
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: a you know, a very very modest home that was
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: kind of falling apart, and they also had this really
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: dumpy cabin on an island, beautiful islands in Washington State,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: And we were all there for Easter and I was
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: using the bathroom in there was one bathroom and uh,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I could hear a lot of shouting and then the
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: door gets kicked in by my grandpa and I'm like
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: on the pot And he's always been weird anyway, always
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: made me incredibly uncomfortable, and he said get outside, I'm
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: getting the gun. So we're all like my aunt like
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: shoves us all into the station wagon where we're all hovering, Well,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: my grandpa has this massive gun that my uncles are
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: wrestling away from him. And I think about, like, it
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: was scary. It was scary, but I didn't even know
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: how scary it could have been. He was such a violent,
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: unpredictable man, and I think he had this hold on
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: my mom and her sisters. It was so she came
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: from that and I admire her so much. Yeah, that's
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: pretty scary stuff to deal with as a child. As
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: an adult, it's scary, but as a child in not
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: knowing if you're safe or not, I think it's like
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: the number one thing that we all wrestle with. And
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: to stop perpetuating that cycle, right, like to put an
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: end to that cycle, so that that cycle abuse doesn't continue,
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: because that's what happens with families. You know, somebody does
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: something and then the kid does it, and then the
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: kid's an abuse it and then it's like, well fuck.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: I mean, I guess our whole if you want to
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: be like thinking of it on a really spiritual level,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: our whole entire existence and purpose should be into creating
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: new imprints, right, and new memories and stopping any cycle
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: of negativity which is impossible to do because you're a
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: human being. I think that's an amazing sentiment and important
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: for parents to remember. Yeah, parenting is a tough you know,
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: a really tough job, and a lot of people go
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: into it thinking that it's like very one dimensional, like
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: I can't believe I'm gonna love this thing as much
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: as I do, or I'm gonna be loved as much
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: as I want to be loved because I didn't get
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: the love that I needed. You know, it's one of
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: those two things are usually the basis of wanting a
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: child is to give or receive the love. And it's like,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: if you could take care of that on your own
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: before you have a kid, then imagine how healthy you
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: can make that kid. It completely, completely. I'm really proud
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: that Jack, the son that I have with Chris, he's
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: nine and he is such an even keeled kid. He
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: is hysterical, he's smart, he's and he's just and he's
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: confident but without being a jerk. That's that's the key
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: for any man being raised is to be confident without
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: being arrogant. Yeah, I'm really proud of that. Well, that's good.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: I'm glad you have an adorable son with him, and
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: I'm glad that you guys are able to co parent
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: in such a nice, healthy way. That's going to be
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: great for him as he grows up. And I'm sure,
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: actually that's probably what we're going to turn to. I'm
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: sure we have some parenting questions. And since since out
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: of the three of us, Anna, you're the only parent
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: on this podcast today, you better get yourself Yeah, buckle up. Truly,
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: I live in a community that makes me feel like
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: a terrible parent every day. Well, I think that's the
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: community and organic and like the what you didn't know
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: the assignment was due? Yeah, maybe helicoptering less than some people,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: you know, Definitely. Yeah. I tried helicopter parenting with my
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: dogs and that backfired, So I no longer I am
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: a helicopter parent. Well, we'll take a quick break and
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: we'll be back with some questions. Okay, and we're back
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: with Auta Faris and Catherine my co host. Hi, Hi, Hi, Well.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Our first question comes from Liza. She says, Dear Chelsea,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: my husband and I have been successful stoners for many years.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: My chronic depression and anxiety took a turn for the
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: worst this past winter. And I decided I needed to
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: get sober and clean for my mental health after drowning
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: myself in cannabis on a daily basis for two years.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: I've just hit my thirty day clean mark and I'm
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: feeling better than ever. We're discussing starting a family soon,
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: and I'd like him to refrain from using for some
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: time before we conceive, to try and have the healthiest
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: baby possible. When I quit initially, he took a short break,
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: but is back to daily usage. When I brought up
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: my concerns, he got very defensive and told me he
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: supported my journey but wanted no part of it. Am
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: I overstepping by asking my husband to quit while we
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: try to conceive? Liza M I don't know. Medically speaking,
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure there's merit in that finding that
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: marijuana causes weak sperm or the sperm that you get
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: isn't going to be top notch. Well, there's less, right,
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: it like suppresses the sperm count. I think, oh, well,
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I have no problem with that, but um, hon, you
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: go ahead. Well, I think the important information I think
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: is his behavior, right if he's kind of checked out
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: and if he's not connecting with her in a way
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: that she likes, you know, or if they're not having
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: enough sex it feels like there's If it sort of
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: reassures and a firms her journey, that's one thing. It's
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: another thing if she's annoyed fundamentally that she's clean, and
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: it's another thing if his behavior changes lies that we
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: need more info. Yeah, we need that's true. And if
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: if he is kind of like a dune and doesn't
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: get a lot done and isn't that motivated, fine, and
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: that's his own issue. But I would also say that,
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: like when you do something in detox and like go
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: on a clans or a diet, you really shouldn't be
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: trying to corral other people into it. If that's not
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: the way to get anybody to join in, the best
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: way to do is to exhibit your behavior and your
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: changes and let that person catch on if they want,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: you know, let them go, oh wow. It's like Joe
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: and I go to the gym every morning. I have
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: to work out every morning. That's my routine. And sometimes
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: he comes with me, and sometimes he doesn't. But the
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: only reason he comes with me is because when he
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: feels like, well, ship, you do this all the time,
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: I want to level up, Like I want to be
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: like that too, but I don't make him go. Your
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: analogy is funny because I was thinking, it's like there
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: is a layer here, I don't know if lies A
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: feels this way or whatever, where if somebody has a
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: new workout routine and they got to tell you all
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: about it, Yeah, that's annoying. Yes, it's like someone telling
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: you about their dream every day. It's like you felt
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: these things. But this makes no sense to me, and
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: I don't think you should really fucking read into any
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: of this ship anyway. So I think that Liza needs
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: to kind of figure out what elements of his usage
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: makes her kind of irritated and to gauge it. And
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: maybe it is like babe, can you wait till five
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: pm or I don't know, or or take a couple
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: of days off before they are like trying to conceive
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: he has to do it the rest of the month.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: I mean. The other thing there is like if somebody
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: is defensive about having to stop doing something, then I
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: think your answer is right there, like if you're so
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: freaked out, which so it's two different arguments, you know,
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: like if you say to someone, oh, stop smoking, weed
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: for a month, and like, why why why I don't
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: don't have to, Like I've say, they don't want to
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: because it's going to be a problem for them, which
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: is even more reason to do it. Like it shouldn't
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: scare you to have to abstain from something for a
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: set amount of time. I did that alcohol cleans and
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, this is so long. But I
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: had to do it so mostly so I probably wouldn't
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: have to do it again, you know what I mean.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, okay, everybody, but yeah, unless it
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: has there's a medical component. Do you think that's the
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: whole thing? So I just looked it up and there's
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: a University of Chicago study that says using marijuana can
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: affect the sperm count and alter the shape and function
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: of the sperm. So yeah, it can lower fertility. And
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: maybe the conversations even bigger than this though, because according
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: to the letter, Liza said, he was pretty straightforward. Good
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: for you, babe, but not me. It's not for me.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: There could be what if he's not quite as enthusiastic
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: about having a kid, or what if I don't know,
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: I don't know. It's like a there there's a bit here. Well, yeah,
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: but you should also try to get pregnant, and if
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: that doesn't work in three months and you think it's
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: because of the sperm count, then you can revisit the
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: conversation and talk to your doctor about it too, because
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: your doctor may say, like, yeah, he needs to cool
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: it for a week before I'm her doctor. Katherine, excuse me,
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, it's accurate. Have you guys ever heard, you
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: know how sperm is the indicator of sex, of the
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: gender of a baby, like the one that chooses yes,
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: they have either an XX or an X y okay,
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: or we have you know, we just have the X.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: They either have a Y or next Okay, Okay, I'm
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: gonna sound like it's the earth flat around Somebody tell
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: me first before I asked this question. It's it's on
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: the map. I just want to come back, but on
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: the map it's flat. So on maps, I just want
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: everyone in the world is flat. So when Sherry Shepard
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: asked that question, she was not alone. I'm just gonna
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: put that out there. I just I just found out
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: about the moon in the sun and their whole situation recently,
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: so you have to bear with me on my knowledge.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: Of basic fundamental information that is available at a fingertip
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: a fingertip away. This is what I believe, but I
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: haven't checked its accuracy in a while. So we're x
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: X as females, the boys are x Y. Whatever. Why
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: am I giving a biology lessons? Fuck? I thought it
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: was I thought it was X and Y. It's an
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: x X and X Y. I don't know, I don't know.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: I'm really gonna back what if we're I think we're
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: probably giving so much false information on this podcast. This
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: is this is this is on Fox News, you guys,
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: you're listening to Fox News. Okay, totally totally from what
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: I read, though, the male sperm tends to swim faster
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: but die sooner. The female sperm swim slower, is like
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: more resilient through and steady. Right, yeah, whatever, whatever business
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: we've got that tries to like prevent them. So there's
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: a whole theory about if you want to have a
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: boy as your eggs is like traveling down, are you
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: making a jerking off motion right now as we Okay, okay,
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: I like to do that. Yeah, yeah, you can use
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: I just want to I just wanted to make sure
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: that I was talking that. Yeah, I'm terrible at hand
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: jobs speaking. Who is this hand jobs about? We were
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: just talking about how handsjobs? Like? Who is giving hand jobs?
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Who is it? Are these girls in high school? Like
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: because they don't want to give a blowjob that I
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: can get behind. But a hand job as an adult
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: is an insult to both parties as far as I'm concerned. Yeah,
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: I completely agree. Who's doing that? Like what it's so?
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, sex is animalistic as it is, obviously, but
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: jerking someone off that just even the hand gesture is
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: so upsetting. Like I wish you Coo could do it
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: with my fun you know what I mean? Because that's
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: how far away I know. I know I got some
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: guys would like a foot job. How deeply into sex
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: should we get? Probably not, I don't know. I mean,
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: we'll see what the next caller has to say. Maybe
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: it'll lead to a sexual conversation on it. Okay, all
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: your dreams could come true, Chelsea. I always felt like
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: you would be the popular girl in high school that
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: would sort of befriend me because I was like, just
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: because you had no friends weird enough. Yeah, I would totally,
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: I would totally do that. I I love helping people
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: out or saving people. I like to make sure people
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: know that they're not alone. You told me on my
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: podcast that you said, Anna, you were so fucking weird,
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: and I took that as such a compliment. Yeah, as
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: you should. You should. You said it with love in
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: a weird way. It was really nice. I think about that.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: That was a good compliment. Oh well, I'm so glad.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you don't. Yeah. I like weirdos. I
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: think it's much cloler to be a weirdo than to
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: just be a follower. That everyone's a follower. I'm even
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: a follower. We follow, and there's like we do so
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: many things without even thinking because other people are doing
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: them that it's nice to have originality. So that's what
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: makes you unique. Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: do this purposeful disguise because I sure don't feel do
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: you guys ever have like a serious brain body disconnect? Yeah? Like, man,
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: this is a costume. Yes, absolutely absolutely, because everyone has
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: a multitude of different things that going on in their brain.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: You know, in one moment you can be your confident,
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: best version of yourself and and totally secure and everything
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: you're doing, and then two days later you can be
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: completely self doubting and not sure what you're doing or
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: having any confidence. I mean, I think that's what's so
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: complex about like the human brain is we could get
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: up our own asses, and we have a hard time
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: staying out of our heads. And so I I like
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: to think of things anything that keeps you out of
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: your head. That's why I love reading books like that
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: requires my attention to something that has nothing to do
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: with me. I always felt uncomfortable being a woman, like
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: the idea of femininity. I mean, it's not a struggle
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: for me anymore because I'm forty five and I wasn't
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: exactly a tomboy, but I really prided myself on not
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: being afraid, like I really always wanted to be brave,
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: like we had my brother. We keep belonging to the
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Washington Herpetological Society. What does that? What does that mean
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: HERPETI I thought it was something harpies. Okay, there's a
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: society for that, well, I heard, yeah, yeah, for animals
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: with herpes. Okay. So we had we always had tons
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: of snakes and tarantulas and piranhas and parrots and lizards,
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: and the house had a very particular smell, and there
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: was always like one loose and I felt really proud
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: of never being scared of bugs or kind of overcoming whatever.
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: I was like this little feisty thing. I was incredibly short,
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: and I was really angry for a long time that
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: I wasn't born a boy. Yeah. Well, I mean, I
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: think what we're all learning is that it's not one
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: or the other. There's this whole spectrum of like masculinity
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: and femininity as we know it. I certainly didn't feel
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: like a girl for a very long period of time,
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: but I feel like one now. I feel like a woman,
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: you know, and I but I feel very masculine. I
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: have a lot of very masculine tendencies. But does that
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: get in the way of like your female friendships. Yeah,
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: sometimes I'm very yeah. Yeah, I mean I have a
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: terrible history of friendship ending, so I am like that
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: is the one thing that I can't seem to shake
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: no matter how much therapy I go to. It's just
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: like I have a very steadfast desire to let the
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: truth be known and not to pussy foot around anything
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: and not to ever be insincere. So that gets you
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: into trouble. Not everybody likes to hear the truth, and
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: I understand that's part of my personality and it's not
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: something I'm willing to like forego. Like if you came
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: to me and you said I need to know the
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: truth about something, I would I would have to tell
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: you this is the truth, even if it were going
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: to hurt your feelings as a sister, as a woman
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: to another woman, even though you think you're a man,
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: I would say to you, Hey, Anna, this is what
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: I see and this is what I know because I
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: think that's what you That's like, the best gift you
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: can give anybody in your life is the truth. No
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: one benefits for being lied to. I am not like that, funny, No,
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I'm much more like my female friendships are always like
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: dancing with awkwardness. Oh well, that's just you. That's you.
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: You're awkward and you're in your but that's your thing, Like,
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: I mean, who cares, Like that's your personality. It's not
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: something to resist, it's something to embrace. I have no choice.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: I know you are you, so you have no choice. Okay,
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: So what do we have next? We have to get
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: through some callers on him. We can't just sit here
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: and focus on you the entire We have to help
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: the masses make better life decisions. Right, that's right. Well,
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: before we get to all the fun stuff, we'll take
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: a quick break. Okay, sounds good. We'll be right back. Well,
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: our first caller today is they're gonna be online on
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: to get Kay's joining. So Luke is a rarity on
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: the show. He is a straight guy. Wow, right now, listener,
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: that's that is unique. Yes, he says. One of my
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: friends has been in a relationship for two years with
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: a girl that's not good for him, and I'm struggling
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: to help him see that. There are three main issues.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: One extreme jealousy. She consistently does phone checks to see
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: who he's talking to, and does not let him talk
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: to or hang out with any females unless she has
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: met them and given her sign off. This has sadly
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: led my friend to abandon a lot of long, completely innocent,
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: and platonic relationships with female friends. She also restricts him
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: hanging out with the boys, which has caused a strain
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: and our main friend group number two gold digging tendencies.
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: A year into the relationship, she moved into his apartment
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: but does not pay any rent. She then persuaded him
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: to get all new furniture for the apartment because she
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: simply didn't like his stuff. I get furnishing an apartment together.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: But when she's not paying rent, why should she have
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: all the say. She's made several comments in group environments
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: that she needs to marry someone rich and praises others
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: for doing so. May have been said in just but
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: concerning nonetheless three pressure to get engaged. The girlfriend comes
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: from a more traditional family. We're getting married young is
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: the norm. My friend, on the other hand, has told
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: me assistently he wants to focus on his career and
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: wait until he's ready to get married, potentially in his thirties.
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: His girlfriend has consistently pressured him, saying she can't risk
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: being single in her late twenties or early thirties and
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: trying to find someone else all over again. My friend
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: is not ready for engagement, but when confiding in me,
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: he tries to see it from her side and thinks
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: maybe he should compromise on his engagement timing by a
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: couple of years. She currently has given him an ultimatum
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: that it needs to happen by next year. I've tried
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: having a few talks and raising these red flags, but
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: he sort of justifies or rebuffs them. I'm trying not
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: to be too aggressive and ruin our friendship over this.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: How can I prevent my friend from making a lifelong mistake?
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: Luke Hi luke hilu hi Hi. Anna Faris is with
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: us today along with Catherine, my co host. How's it going? Man? Great?
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: I am really excited to talk with you. That was
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: a letter like you care about your friend? I really do.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm not sure to do turning to you guys.
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: First of all, I want to say congratulations on being
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: the first rate white Uh well you're not white, are you? Yeah?
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: The straight, first straight man to call into this podcast.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: That is a feat that you must be very, very
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: secure in your masculinity and manhood. So mozelto to that. Yes, well,
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: I feel like my whole family grew up watching Chelsea Lately,
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: big fan, Anna, do you want to start? You seem
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: like an eager beaver. Well so when all the detailed
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: information she truly does sound atrocious for sure, But all
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: the detailed information, how did you get that? Does your
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: friend tell you? Like? How how does these conversations work? Yeah,
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: it's it's a mix of me spending time with her
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: and then him sharing with me a little bit because
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: he clearly sees some concerns and so I've tried to
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: talk with them about it. So a mix of both
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: of those things. So when you hang out, like, what
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: percentage of the time is he like, man, I don't
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: know what to do about this thing. Does that dominate
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: the conversation? No, I would honestly say, it's like only
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: a handful of conversations I've had with him about it,
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: Like I've tried to be careful of not always bringing
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: it up to him. If he brings it up, happy
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: to talk with him. I brought it up maybe on
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: my own one or two times, but it's not like
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: a frequent conversation with that. Are you close? Is he
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: close with his family? Yes? Very close with his parents,
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: And I've actually asked what it was parents think of
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: these things, but he hasn't really opened up to them
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: about these things. M M. Does he open up to
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: others they don't like her? Yeah? Maybe? But do you
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: guys have a group of friends. Are there another couple
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: of guys that also feel the same way or is
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: it just you? I'm definitely close to him, So I
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: don't think he's opened up in the same way to
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: those other friends, really only to me. But I don't
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: want to necessarily go around and like spread all of
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: his personal stuff unless he's That's what a girl would do,
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: So don't do that, because that's yeah, that's how females
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: behave We're like you also hate. The thing is, it's like, listen,
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: you can have one really like serious conversation with him
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: out of love and for your friendship and for your
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: caring and you can say you could put it all
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: out on the table in a way that's thoughtful and sweet,
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: but you don't want to lose your friendship. You said that.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: All you could do is say it once out of love.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: He's probably not going to listen to you, but you
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: never know, and at least then you have a clear conscience.
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: But don't go just it's got to be out of
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: the love for him, not the hatred for her. You
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: know what I mean, These are the things that I'm seeing.
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: I know what kind of guy you are, and she
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: doesn't represent to me what you're looking for. Like calling
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: her a gold digger isn't going to be helpful, but
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: you can put that in another language that seems a
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: little bit more just that you've noticed, and and just
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: by noticing is a demonstration of your friendship by paying attention.
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: You know, I think girls and guys react to these
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: kinds of conversations in a different way, And I think
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: men are are definitely less emotional, and I might receive
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: it a lot differently than a woman might receive it,
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: don't you guys think? Yeah, like just leveling with him
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: and then not bringing it up again, like you said it,
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say it once. I support you whatever
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: you do. I'm always going to be your friend. This
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: is what I see. And I just had to tell
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: you because I know you would do the same for me.
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: So I think here's the tough thing. I think I've
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: kind of had those conversations with him and he always
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: just like plays it off or rebuffs it. And so
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: I've had two or three of those conversations, but I've
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: been very careful not to be too strong. So do
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: I just lay off at this point and say it
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: is what it is? Or go more strong into it.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: I have a question about the timing is do you
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: feel like a proposal is imminent? Yes, I feel like
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: it could happen like in the next couple of months. Okay,
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: so he does. He has very strong feelings for her.
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: Is this his first girlfriend? Uh? Yeah, first real serious one,
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: and he may I think he had one in high school.
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: I mean that's high school. Yeah. I totally agree with
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: Chelsea and Catherine. But the problem is he's vulnerable. This
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: is his first thing, this is his first relationship, and
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: he's going to need you in his life. But there
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: is a risk potential of those details, especially sticking in
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: his head. It's like when you can paint the entire picture,
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: those things get seared into his head. So if you
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: back up your hesitancy about this woman with actual specifics,
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: there's a risk of you, guys not being friends. He
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: will remember these things. He'll associate you with that kind
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: of imagery, you know what I mean. So I wonder
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: if the approach is if you open with like, hey,
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: you know, maybe you guys can grab a beer or something,
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: something along the lines of, like, hey man, how happy
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: are you? Because you're a great guy, and I don't
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: want you to have to go through like the financial
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: pain of a divorce if in three years you're pretty miserable.
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: I just I want to check in with how how
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: you are as opposed to getting into her a bit,
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: which will immediately put his guard up. What do you
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: think about that? Yeah, I think that makes sense. I
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: think when I bring up things about her, he definitely
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: first instinct he gets defensive, like, what can you give
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: us an example, Give us an example of a time
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: you brought something up. So the gold digging part, I
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: didn't call her a gold digg or anything like that,
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: but I brought up there were a few situations in
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: like group settings where she made those comments about marrying
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: someone rich or like praising others for doing the same,
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: and it didn't seem like a joke. But so I
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: brought that up to him, and his first reaction was, well,
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: all girls say that, Like it's not that serious. It's like,
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: at those comments, it's not a big deal type of thing.
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: Does she believe that she's more attractive than he is?
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know. I don't think so. Okay,
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: that's a good question. Is that something you're curious about?
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: Is that something you're curious about in your own life?
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: I like thinking about the power balance in this relationship
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: of Luke's friends, Like, how does she view herself, how
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: does he view himself? And thinking about the imbalance there.
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: If someone feels like they have more power, like I
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: could do better, that is a that's that's a hard
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: kind of that's a hard idea, you know. And she
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: definitely wears the pants in the relationship. I'll say that,
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: and he makes more money he does, Yes, I can
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: see where it comes hurt. Yeah, I think Also, what
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: was his reaction when you said that? Like back to
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: when I said, what did you when you brought it
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: up to him and he said, okay, what was his
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: reaction when you said he gets defensive? It's almost like
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: he's brainwashed in a way. Like the jealousy part he
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: kind of acknowledged, Yeah, okay, maybe it's strange. But then
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: he turns around and be like, well, like I don't
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: really need female friends, Like I don't I don't care
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: that much, or like he asked me, like does your
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: girlfriend let you hang out with girls one on one
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: or talk to girls? And then the engage stuff one end,
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: I'll be like, yeah, I don't know if I'm ready,
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: but like I don't know, it's unfair to her if
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: I keep her waiting, like I think I should just
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: compromise and do it like it's always like back to
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: like she's right justifying it. Yeah, I think that you're
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: probably I've already said what you're going to say, and
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: it doesn't seem like he's in a place of like
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: he's going to be able to receive anything you're saying anyway.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: And unfortunately, this is just a part of life watching
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: friends do things like this, marry people you're not that into.
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: And while it's a huge bummer, there's really nothing you
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: can do about it. He's not your kid. He's not
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: going to listen to you. You know, if he's in
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: this state of mind, he's in love with her, he's
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: about to propose. It would really take something big for
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: him to get off track. So I think you're just
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: time is just better. I think you've probably he made
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: yourself clear, Like if he's defensive when you've brought it up,
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: then he knows what you're doing. Are you close with
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: his parents? Like friendly? I wouldn't say you guys aren't
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: Like I wouldn't like pull pull them aside. I would
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: ask like, are you happy most of the time with her?
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: Because from what I hear, it only intensifies one way
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: or the other when you're when you're actually married, or
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: because even if he won't know how, he probably won't
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: know how to answer it, but at least till think
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: about it, you know, he'll think about like, man, she
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: makes me miserable, I am bummed out most of the time,
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: or trying to do damage control most of the time,
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: or at least maybe he'll it'll start to roll around
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: in his head. Yeah, leading him into this self examination
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: maybe a better way to go. My sister in law,
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: who I love, is a little bit of a judgy person.
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: She's also usually right, so it's okay, but when she
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: doesn't think someone's making the right decisions, she will ask
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: them a series of questions to help them re examine
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: the choices that they're making. So like for your friend,
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: it might be something like, well, how do you feel about,
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: you know, maybe compromising some of your financial and career
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: goals in order to get married a little bit earlier,
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: and just bringing up those things in the context of
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: a question like Anna said, might be a little bit
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: of a softer delivery and help him keep percolating on
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: them after and probably the engagement will be awful. There's
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: going to be like there's nothing like an engagement for
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: people to just spin out. So maybe there's hope they're yeah,
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: it's just it's like it hurts me, like it's one
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: of my best friends, Like I want to be so
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: happy for him if he gets aged. So I get
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: what you're saying, Chelsea, Like, at a certain point, you
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: just have to yea, he's not my kid, he's out
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: and my family like, yeah, he's the best form. Yeah
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: you have to, But I mean you could. I you
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: know what these girls are suggesting, which you might be
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: a good different strategy and see if that gets you anywhere.
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: But I wouldn't double down on what you've already said,
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: because you want to make sure you're happy. You want
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: to make sure you're making the right decision. But you
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: know I would want I'd want you to check in
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: with me. Are you married, Luke, No, I'm not okay,
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: Like if you were going to do the same thing,
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: I'd want you to check in with me and just
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: make sure that this is a big, big decision. I
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: want to make sure you're in the best possible spot
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: and that you're making the right decision based on what
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: you want and your needs, not somebody else's yeah, I
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: think that makes sense. I think it's a good, non
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: threatening way to bring it up again. Okay, cool, Well
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: let us know how that goes. Yeah, you're a good friend. Yeah,
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: you are a good friend, Luke. That's nice. Appreciate it's
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: really nice, A good one. You can tell how much
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: you love him. It's nice. Appreciate it. All right, Okay, well,
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: good luck with everything, take care, Thank you. I who won?
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: I feel like I did? I think you did. While
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: you were giving your advice, I was like, this is
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: not a good idea because you're saying exactly what I'm
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: trying to say, but in a different way. But then
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: as I digested it, I think you did give him
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: better advice. So you wont Yeah, you just you found
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: an easy round. Just picked a side, don't You picked
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: your side? That's how you won. Chelsea. I miss you
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: and Catherine. I miss you too, miss your two. I
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: know Chelsea. I would love to like someday when the
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: kids look gone, when we're at an old age home
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: Holland Hills together, we can have a coffee or a cocktail.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: Coffee I don't even drink, We'll have a cocktail. Dad,
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: you can hit me up any time on. I'm right
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: in the neighborhood. Well where do you live? What neighborhood?
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: Pacific Palisades. Oh yeah, that's why I like, of course
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: I don't fit in here. Who does? That's not even
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: a real place. It's like it's just like white picket fences, white.
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: Everything's like a makeshift mall. That mall up there. You're like,
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: what kind of happy camper land is this? It's like
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: the Truman Show. We are going to take a quick
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: break so you can hear and add and then we'll
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: be right back. So this call is coming from Anne,
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: she says. Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty nine years old and
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: work at a startup. I've been with the company for
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: six years, and I'm the longest tenured woman there. I
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: also happened to be their highest revenue producing team member.
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: Not to brag, but kind of to brag. My boyfriend
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: of four plus years also works there for almost as
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: long as I have. Last week, our CEO invited my
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: boyfriend to an NBA game because our investors gave him
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: box seats. He then proceeded to invite multiple other employees,
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: but not me. He even invited a few people who
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: no longer work for the company. I felt so excluded
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: and left out. I also felt mad at my partner
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: for not sticking up for me. At the end of
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: the game, our CEO apologized to my partner for not
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: inviting me. This isn't an isolated incident. Our CEO has
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: routinely devalued me while uplifting and investing in my male partner.
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: Despite the fact that I'm continually out earning all the
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: other men at our company, I'm so frequently ignored and
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: underinvested in. And I think it's because I'm a woman.
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: Am I being too sensitive? Or is it time to
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: look for a new job? And Hi, Anne, Hi An
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: Hi Hi. This is Anna Faris. And then this is Katherine,
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: my co host. It's not nice to meet you, guys.
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me. Oh, you're so welcome. No,
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: you're But it's because you're a woman. I mean, this
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: is the story of the century. Everyone tells this story.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: And yeah, what did your partner say when he apologized
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: for not inviting you? He recommended to like reach out
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: to me, But when he came home, I've been crying
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: for hours. When you feel left out, like then not
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: even like get a text like weird you're not here
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: so soon because we lived together. Also should mention that,
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: So I had to leave our shared home to go
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: to this thing and then kind of ignored it for
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: a while, very non confrontational, very different communication stuff. So
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: he got there eventually, but it did take multiple days
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: of me explaining why it hurts so much, the layers
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: of it, all the they chose you and actively ignored
• 52:07
  Speaker 1: me despite totally it can't not feel very personal like this.
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: You can't ignore that. It's like, this feels very much
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: about me. Yeah, And it was just like why did
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: all these men sit around thinking like, isn't it weird that?
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: Like he came like, we've been dating for five years,
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: all of which have happened at this company. Well, and
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: another thing came up when we were doing our pre interview.
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: Mentioned about the Christmas gift. Oh yeah, so small. I
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: didn't even realize it. Full months later. They give us
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: these Christmas gifts classic like start everything. They gave out
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: gift baskets. We got one gift basket to share. Yeah,
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: that's gross too. Yeah, I didn't even think about it.
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: Have you addressed this yet at all with your boss?
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: I have a little. What's really nice is like my
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: direct manager is also one of my best friends. It's
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: a very any company, Like when you work at the
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: start of you become super close with everyone, so she's
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: like one of my best friends. I did end up
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: like sobbing on the phone to her the Monday after,
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: and she kind of like immediately ran it up a
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: flagpole and kind of sent up an alert of might leave,
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: like she's so upset, very badly, she might quit the company.
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: So I got like the most awkward five minute minute
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: phone phology. Yeah it was bad. It was like a
• 53:25
  Speaker 1: not to make excuses, but so what was the excuse?
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: The event got away from him, Like he only had
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: a few tickets, only invited a few people. Then I
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: saw more people were around and was like, oh crap,
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: let me find more tickets. And then it just he
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: kept inviting other people without realizing, like, oh I should
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: have stopped gone back over here, which I get a
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: lot did. It sort of stemmed down to it wasn't intentional.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: It was a total blunder. He felt super embarrassed and bad,
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: but like all these things were happening, like my son
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: has pink guy, my dad is cancered I'm so sorry,
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: but it was just like an all boiled down to
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: like it was unintentional and you should forget it. And
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: there was no like nothing done to sort of correct
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: that mistake, Like no extra gift basket, no extra tickets.
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: I I get a month, I'll have like lunch with him,
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: like once a month. Do you like your job? I do?
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: I built it. I was this like tenth person they hired,
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: and now we're at like a hundred and fifty, So
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: of course this stings even harder. Yeah, it's personal and
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: like my boyfriend is the golden boy, and you like
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: your job and you're emotionally invested. So how do we
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: how do we get you? How do we get you
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: feeling good, appreciated and special and acknowledged. How do we
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: do that? Guys? Well, I think it's very important for
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: you to point out that if they're going to treat
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: you as one person when they're handing out Christmas gifts,
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: they should treat you as one person when they're handing
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: out invitations. You know. So I've think you can be
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: a little bit more assertive on the back end of
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: that phone call and say, just so you're clear, this
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: is how I see it from moving on forward, Like
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: I expect to be invited to these events. I was
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: with the tenth person hire to work at this company,
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: and I feel ownership in what we've created. I have
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: a piece of that I was a part of that.
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: Don't underestimate your value in this situation because women have
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: a history of doing that. And don't say I just
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: want this. It's I want this, you know. And don't
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: diminish your role in what you've created that remind him
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: of how integral you are in this company and how
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: valuable you are, and based on that value and based
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: on your seniority, here's a list of things that you
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: expect to happen when there are invitations that go out.
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: Please do not invite my boyfriend without inviting me, okay,
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: and please do not send us one gift like we
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: are one person. We are two people. Did your boyfriend
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: start working there before after you, like two and a
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: half months after. It's the whole package. But the only
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: thing you can do as a woman is to be
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: be assertive, you know what I mean? Without being a count.
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: Be assertive and just say I'm just here to remind
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: you of all these things. Please keep this in your
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: consciousness when you're making your next round of invites to
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: whatever event that may be. I can't wait to experience
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: that with you so that we don't ever have to
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: deal with this kind of conversation again. Yeah, it's no,
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: You're clearly right. It's a When I was screaming about
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: this to my family, they all stopped and we're like,
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: do you think that there may be like intimidated by
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: you because I'm not quiet? I am like very direct. Yeah,
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: and men don't like that. They don't like that, so
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: they probably want you there for that reason. But you're
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: going to tell them that that is Sorry, that's part
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: of the package. We're not living in ten anymore. I
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: have to be included. I'm a founding member of this organization.
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: What are you talking about? And along with what Chelsea's saying,
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: I would list the reasons why you love working there,
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: what you believe from the beginning, and be you know
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: what I mean, Listen to me. Be positive. I'm like
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: from ninety two when you have to trick them if
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: they're gonna no, that's true, you do. It's like you
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: have to flip the wool over their eyes and be like,
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: come with me, you fucking idiot. I mean honestly, because
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: that's probably what it is. It's like, oh, you're she's
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: too much or she's got a big personality. We don't
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: need her. They're sorry. That's the workplace. You have to
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: deal with all the people that you work with, because
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: that's what adults do. I'm sorry if I'm not your
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: perfect cup of tea, you're not mine either, But I'm
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: gonna be at this event. And that's why you're so
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: good at your job. That's why you're like crushing all
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: the goals and blowing everybody else out of the water.
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: And the other thing too, is you know you can
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: phrase it I like this like being really direct about it,
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: and you can phrase it like I'm trying to help
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: you be better because I know, like when it's a startup,
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: it's a little messy or it's kind of like figuring
• 57:41
  Speaker 1: things out as they go along, but like there are
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: probably other women at the company who are feeling similarly undervalued,
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: and you can express it that way, like I'm trying
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: to help you do better because some of this could
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: be seen as overt sexism, So like, let's fix these
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: things as the company grows, so that by the time
• 57:57
  Speaker 1: it's really really big, You're not getting sued by a
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: bunch of your employees. That's one of the biggest issues too,
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: is that a lot of the team they look to
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: me because I was like the first I'm the longest
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: tenured woman at the whole company, and so there is
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: a sense of like they outwardly appreciate what I do
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: because I bring in like the revenue. Right, it's one
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: person just sucking cool and I'm really proud of that.
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: But like that's what like tripled my anger, being like
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: if there, if I'm getting treated like this, in what
• 58:27
  Speaker 1: world does absolutely anyone else have any ability to be
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: valued and appreciate it appropriately and not just have been
• 58:34
  Speaker 1: like good, jum, you're good and you're cute. Shut up.
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: How aware is the CEO of this? He's aware now,
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: Like I was very brutally like this sucked. I was
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: so upset and really hurt, and I don't think I
• 58:49
  Speaker 1: deserved it, and like he intellectually got it, and I
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: know that there are other steps being taken, but it's
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: just one of those things where it's like I really
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: don't think it's actually gone yet, and it really was
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: salient to have to explain to so many men, like
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: the textbook definition or definition of sexism is you did
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: something to me, you apologize to my boyfriend, and he
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: didn't apologize to me and just expected it to get
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: there as though that isn't any way, shape or form, Okay.
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: And then when I finally told my boyfriend like he
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: didn't do anything. He has my phone number he could
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: text me. He was like okay, and I said that's sexist.
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: He was like, like that was too far, and I
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: had to be like, I you have to accept my Definitely.
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: You did have a conversation with him after the fact,
• 59:36
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it was like it escalated pretty quickly to
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: me being like, I will call five women of our company. Yeah,
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: I asked them to favor. Do you want me to
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: he said, know when he accepted so, and nothing's changed slightly. No,
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: that well, there hasn't been an event since though, right
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: that that? Yeah, honestly, Like you can wait for that
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: letter until something happens and then it's going to be
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: a different letter, or you could preemptively send it and
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: go this is what I expect moving forward. And if
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: they fail that, then yeah, you do have to look
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 1: for a new job. If this is that important to you.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: I will throw him a bone and say that when
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: the Alito opinion dropped, we are enough like progressive, small
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: enough company that like we were all pretty open about
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: hop said it was see it was totally radio silent.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 1: I had to call him and then he answered and
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, you have to say something to our
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 1: team about this. And within like ten minutes he had
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: created a video. He had like built something sense something
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 1: out so like he did listen to me. There was
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: like one really positive change of him being like that's something. Yeah, Okay,
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 1: well good, I think you know what you're doing. You're
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 1: gonna be just fine. Maybe he's a little scared right now,
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: but as as time goes on, he'll slowly start to
• 1:00:45
  Speaker 1: become more good for you. Yeah, you could be the
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: change to be the resource. Yeah. Yeah, I do a
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: lot of emotional labor. Yeah, don't we all. I think
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 1: at the time comes to to send an email, l
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: I think I would say I love my job. I
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: love my job and this is why. And I am
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: an incredibly valuable team member in that way. When it's
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: in writing, I know you've already said this to him.
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: But if it's in writing, like that's strong, but passionate
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: and complimentary and but demanding. Maybe that's a better way
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: for him to digest things instead of I don't know
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: it was a face to face. Uh, that was a
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: phone call because like we're I can go into the office.
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: I mostly remote because I'm literally just like on zooms
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: all day with clients. You probably like intimidate him. I know,
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: I do. I've had a lot of people tell me that.
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 1: Take that into account. You know, when you're writing out letter,
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: take that into account. Yeah, so that you know if
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: he's going to be a big pussy about it, you
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 1: want to make sure let you treat him like a pussy.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 1: Does it cause strain between you and your boyfriend? It
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: has less so now I think, like my the intensity
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: of my reaction to what happened, he was super not
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: prepared for, because it did like fully melt down into
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 1: like a oh, I'm gonna start looking for another job,
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: to which he was like, honestly, fair, that was bullshit.
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 1: You were treated poorly, like he did objectively know, like
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 1: I do get that that was so not cool and
• 1:02:21
  Speaker 1: it was unfair. I think that's good. I think you're
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: already on the right track. I think he's getting the picture.
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: I think you're all set. You made your point, and
• 1:02:28
  Speaker 1: let's see what happens now moving forward. And if you
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: want a new job, and I'll hire you to do something,
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 1: that would be very cool. I love to work if
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 1: it helps, because you are really impressive. We would complement
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 1: each other because I'm a little more lamb like. That's okay,
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: it's completely fine. I'm very aggressive. I'll go after it
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 1: for you. Okay, it's our Farmers Market Knitting which Sister
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: Sisterhood of the Traveling because by um to keep us
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: supposed and let us know how it goes. I will
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 1: thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it, both
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 1: of your shows. Thank thank you, Thank you guys. Thanks Anne. Wow,
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: isn't she a powerhouse? She's great. Yeah, she's going to
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 1: be just fine. She Oh my god, yeah really I
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 1: thought she was wonderful. But what a doozy of a problem.
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: My god, Chelsea, I loved what you said. Oh good, good,
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: Well great, let's take a quick break and we'll be
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: right back with Chelsea and Anna. What do we have now?
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: Anna's going to ask advice to me. Yes, Anna, do
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: you have any advice you want? To ask me for Chelsea.
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: As you know, I quarantined hard right, Like nobody quarantined
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 1: harder than I. So that for something I just like
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: hermited like I didn't see any you know anyway, But
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 1: I've always had a tendency to hoard. However, my shower
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 1: looks like a sorority house shower. There's so many products,
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 1: and my closet is like like I've I've really I've
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: adopted a wartime mentality essentially, like I'll never be able
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: to procure these items again. During quarantine, I bought ten
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: pounds of Velvita, a cheese that I rarely use. Yeah,
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: so you're trying to stop hoarding, right, Yeah, I'm trying
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: to stop hoarding. You just have to get one of
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 1: those closet organizers to come over your house and just
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 1: release and let them fucking figure it out for you,
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: clean it out for you so that you're not watching,
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: you're not sitting there. There's nothing in any of those
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 1: places that you mentioned that are going to have a
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: life for death impact on you. Let somebody come in
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 1: and organize your life for you and just do whatever
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: you have to do to allow that to happen. Because
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: your life will be you will begin anew and you
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: are going to feel good about it, not bad. I
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: promise you. I believe you. I do. Yeah, there's all
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: those girls on Instagram. Everyone's always posting about closet organizing
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: that it's not hard to find. Just find somebody and
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: let it go. Just clear out the energy, clear out
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 1: to all the ship and just say you do whatever
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 1: you think and let me know when it's done. Because
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: it feels very psychological at this point, Kelsea, do you
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: have a favorite face lotion that you feel loyal to? Yes,
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 1: Liz Earle. I like the serum and then the lotion
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: or the face cream. I put it on in the
• 1:05:29
  Speaker 1: morning and at night. So do you have oily or
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: dry skin? A combo like I still break out on
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 1: my chin a bit. Okay, So then you wouldn't want
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: the serum. You just want the face cream. But it's
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: a it's a British company, It's called Liz Earle, and
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 1: it's the best thing I've ever used. It keeps to
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 1: my skin very very dooey all the time. Okay, Yeah,
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 1: you guys, thank you so much. I don't did I
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: say anything of interest? No, you did not. You barely
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 1: you barely said anything. No, you said some things of interest,
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 1: absolutely as we all did. You were a great guy, Anna.
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: I totally appreciate having you on. I love you, I
• 1:06:03
  Speaker 1: love spending time with you. I love you too. Thank you,
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 1: and thank you guys so much. This was awesome. Thank
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 1: you Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna. It took me ten years
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 1: to say her name right and now I say Anna.
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 1: I just said I fucking ruined it right at the end,
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: Like truly, if I see someone with a name tag
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 1: that says Anna, yeah, I will call that person Anna.
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: It is my this is my parents fault, and I
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 1: don't hold it against anybody. And make sure you tune
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 1: into Unqualified on this podcast. Thanks bye, honey, Thank you
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: bye guys. By