Latest / Straight Up Extra Dirty's Podcast / EP 30 - Straight Up. 🍸 Extra Dirty: Cats, Chaos, and Bedroom Confessions

Transcript

EP 30 - Straight Up. 🍸 Extra Dirty: Cats, Chaos, and Bedroom Confessions · Straight Up Extra Dirty's Podcast

• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, give me that.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I've ever seen so much f ⁇ ing in a gay man's bed.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, some of us have taken a dive in the in that pool before.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Have you dipped?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Hey.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, who is this?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Donatella or.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Donatella.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: And listen, she's named after Donatella Versace.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think Donatella Versace is, well, much more, you know, attractive.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: She's a lot thinner, that's for sure.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: This one is addicted to it.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this is before she did her hair.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: She's addicted to treats.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, wait, and your other cat's name is Valentina.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Valentina.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: So don't get it twisted.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Valentina was not named after the brand.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Or the designer.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: She was actually named after Valentina the drag queen.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: For drag queen from where?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um she comes from RuPaul's Drag Race.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: How did I miss that one?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, come on.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to keep it on, please.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is the first time I am in your bed, Mikey G.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: And We're in bed again.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're in bed again.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's bedtime stories of Mikey G.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, bedtime stories of Mikey G.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: But okay, so I have one question for you.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't think I've ever really seen your bedroom before, and there should be no reason why I should have in the past.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But you have a deer head.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm used to seeing deer heads in my uncle's my late uncle's den above his fireplace, but you have one staring at us in the bedroom.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's up with that?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: My dad actually caught that stag.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Does it ever scare you at night?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you ever feel like it's looking at you?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I used to like not like the idea of it, but like I think the sentimental value kind of changed my stuff.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: But we're gonna stuff her, you know.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: I actually even though it's really funny.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: I actually threaten her, I threaten her all the time.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: She just ran away.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't want to get on the wall.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't blame her.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: The wall.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna put her on the wall.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna turn I tell her all the time when she's bad, then I'm gonna turn her into a bath mat.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna leave her head on the like one of those bear rugs, like she just took off as soon as I said that.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: She's like f ⁇ ing that I'm not gonna hang on the wall with a deer.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: This toy right here was Is that for you or from Michael?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, you got some crazy toys.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: You have to money.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: When we got Valentina and Donatella, like this was their first toy and it's it's eight and a half years old.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: It was their first kitten toy.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Aww.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's very sweet.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's when like they were playing with it at the uh adoption agency when we got them.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Aw, you don't want to lose that.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to get that.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: So, but you know, she just left.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, does Donatella sleep with you?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: And Michael, like tell me about like how does that So our cats have like a serious like bedtime routine.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean it's like the same, like if we come home later, yeah, and the two of us are if we come home later, like, and the two of us are just you know hanging out, like Donatella like has her bedtime.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like she wants to go to bed.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like she'll But does she sleep with you guys?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: She slee she doesn't just sleep with us, she does this whole routine and she like walks back and forth, she tramples back and forth on both of us, but she always ends up on Michael's head.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And how does that work in the bedroom when you're trying to be alone?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do you throw her out?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: We have to kick her out, yeah.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: We have to like lock the door, and sometimes it's like the shining, like with the with the woman going through the hand under the door, like she puts her paw on you see the paw going back and forth.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why are you trying to get in?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, girl, you need to stay out there.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: We're not into that bestiality.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Get out.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm like, what is going on?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do they sleep with you?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: So she sleeps with you every night, or they both do.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Valentina does not sleep with us, but she comes up to the bed right before we fall asleep, and she makes biscuits on my leg.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Biscuits.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: What's it?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: When a cat makes biscuits, she they need, they need like you know, like when you're making bread, how you have this kneading motion?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: They need in the side of you.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that's called biscuits make a biscuits, or is that something you call it?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a phrase.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, because if I I just want to make sure if I say that to somebody that they don't think I'm crazy, like, is that a is that a real thing for a cat's needing thing.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Can we Google that?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm just gonna do that.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I wrote can you Google that for us?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, is making biscuits an actual thing?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: I mean But yeah, so she makes biscuits and she Valentina is more my cat, and Don Natelle is more Michael's cat.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like she likes to be roughed on her belly, so she throws herself backwards, and I rough her on her belly, and she's very vocal.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: She likes to like make like you know, a lot a lot of she talks a lot.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like you and Michael's sex life.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sure you're talking about the cats?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm definitely talking about the cat.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: And there's definitely nothing sexual going on in there, but she's like, No, I'm not saying it's with the cat.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying, like, well, I have to say that because it comes after us.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: No, I just want to make sure we're talking about the cats, not mm your sex life with Michael.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's all.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, nothing like that for sure.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, Biggie has have you has either one of you ever left the bed because of the cat?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Jack will get up, Biggie will take over the bed, one side, he cannot come near me, and he has in the middle of the night gotten up and slept on the couch.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I wake up and Biggie is, as you know, a chihuahua.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: He's this small, and he somehow takes over the entire side of his bed.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: But does he snore?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and he snores.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so yes, Valentina was snoring the other day when she was having a nap next to me.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's so sweet.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know cats snore, but I didn't think they did.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know they purr, but I didn't know they snore.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, I don't know.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's animal business in bed, but I don't know.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: When I come home, Valentina does this weird thing where she backs in a corner, and I thought she was like actually spraying on the walls, like where she does this like she her tail like vibrates and it does this like weird and she like bac has to like she looks like she's backed into a corner.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, why is she doing that?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: And Michael sent me this video the other day, and on the video it said that when a cat does that to you, it's because they th they believe that you're their parent.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's like an endearing, like gross.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: So they're just like spraying themselves?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like no, no, she didn't pee.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: She just does this emotion with her tail.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: It just looks like she's Oh, it looks like she is, but nothing's coming out of her.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing comes out.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so she's not like scenting it out or anything like that.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, I would have got rid of her if she was scenting stuff out.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh gross.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be grossed out.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Gross.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know that is gross.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever smelled cat pee before?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, and I never want to.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's like ammonia.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's really gross.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's like really nasty.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: This morning Biggie got up.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: He's on our bed.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I got up to take a shower this early this morning.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I come back, I find Biggie in bed because he wasn't in bed with us last night.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: So he's sleeping.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Why not?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes he doesn't sleep in bed.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes he doesn't, no.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I walk in, Jack's laying in bed, the dog, the you know, Biggie's sitting there, and he's got to get off the bed.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And our bed sits really high off the floor, and he's a tiny little thing, so you have to put you have to pick him up.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: So he's sitting there and he's got the rocket.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, dude, get the rocket off.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I have white sheets on the bed.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know that.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, girl.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, dude, which by the way, we're in white sheets.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: I love these, by the way.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like white, it is very soft.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think it is cooler for sure.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Very soft.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: We had this whole conversation.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And we did.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, people think I'm nuts, but I'm telling you.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: White sheets are colder.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like for sure.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so he was like, you know, he's got the rocket out, and it's sitting on the thing.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, dude, I don't know if this is this, I this, I don't know if we could do this anymore.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know if you could be on the bed and everything's just sitting there.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because think about it.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the the pets are naked.
• 8:59
  unknown: Right?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm naked most of the time too.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: So think about it.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Think about if you didn't wipe your butt and you went to bed.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm definitely not getting in the bed without my butt like being in the back of the body.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right, but let's just say you didn't.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: The dogs and the cats aren't doing that.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so now they're sitting on our stuff, and it's like, oh my God, like what are we thinking?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is crazy.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I love it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're afraid he's gonna get rocket juice all over your sheets.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it was sitting right on my sheet.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, dude, and I have white sheets, everything shows.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, get it off.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Get them off the I'm like, I can't take this.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want first of all, I don't want to see the.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I never thought of that.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I never thought.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say that Biggie, like, yeah, no, I never thought of that.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: But he's he's you know, everybody says to me, for a little dog, he's certainly Does he have a nighty toy that like relaxes him or no?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, nothing.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: He just goes, he just decides what he wants, he gets what he wants, and that's it.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, we talk about animals in bed, but you know, this is a whole different topic.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: So do you have any like past crazy pet stories like that you could talk about?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I have a really good one.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like tell me.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I had this, I had a I'm sure it's not gonna be as good as yours.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: We had uh an English bulldog.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: I can't remember how old I was, at but I was like a teenager at the time, and she used to itch her butt.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: Matilda.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Her name was Matilda.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, she looked like a Matilda.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like just cute.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, she had like the jowls, and she was like, like she So Matilda's.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: She used to scream.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's all the Matilda's out there.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: I have a plastic surgeon for you.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: In case you need to get rid of that bulldog face.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like oh my god.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: She's she was crazy.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but she would snore really loud and she would slobber a lot, and she would always scratch her ass on the corners of the of like everywhere in the house.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's yeah, my mom got rid of her because she couldn't take it anymore.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not good.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not good.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't really She ended up on a on a farm somewhere.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: But pet stories, what about you?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: You got anything good or my dogs are all I mean I had Madison, she was like, she was an Italian, miniature Italian greyhound, and she was like a ping pong.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like she just she when we brought her home, she would bounce all over the place.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: But no, I don't really have any crazy dog stories.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we've always had dogs, but I mean there's probably something I'm not remembering, but I mean they're you know Biggie is Biggie, you know.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: People want to know why he is called notorious because he's got attitude, the dog's got attitude.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: He we did have him fixed, he had the biggest balls and he's got the biggest whacker, and people will stop me and say, I've never seen a chihuahua that well and doubt.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I don't look at genitals of dogs, but I guess if that's what you want to say about my dog, then that's fine.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not like you mark it on the wall, like if you want to be this tall, you gotta ride this ride.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: But he's got attitude.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: But like going back to your cat peace story, like that is like, what do you mean it smells like pneumonia?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's it?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so every time Michael and I will move, because since we've been together, we've moved six times, which by the way, he he's has every place that we've ever lived in on a timer.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: And he keeps telling me that we have another 365 days before I sell our house and redo another house.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because I like to move a lot and redo it and sell it and whatever, but I'm not moving this time.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um just let that be on the record.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um but we moved one time, and uh every time we move, um, Donatella refuses to get into a cat cage.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can't get her in it.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: She like fights, like she associates it with the vet.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: So when we move, like Michael likes to take her and put her in a in the in the car with us.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: So the not this last time, the time before I had a Volvo at the time.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: I had an X60, and um, we were getting in the car, and I put Donatella in the car, and she peed all over the car.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ew.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: I thought they only pee in cat boxes.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like literally, she got really nervous, and it like it was a nervous tick.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, wow.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: So she like, yeah, she got really upset.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: She makes this horrible sound that literally like breaks my heart.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like it sounds like a baby crying.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's like wailing, and she like she hates it.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: She hates moving.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: So we're moving from one location to the other.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: She pees in the car.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: The smell never came out of the car.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: It was a brand new lease, and like the entire lease I had, people would get in the car and be like, ooh, what's that smell?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, Oh my cat.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: My cat pee in the air.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, definitely.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's nasty.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: This last time I got smart though, and when we were moving, I the last thing I did with the moving truck was move the cat.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I didn't move her in my car.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Put her in the moving van.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: She actually didn't pee this time, of course, though.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, so you know, that's what is that nature of the beast.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: I guess so.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: But definitely getting intimate.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: What about getting intimate with Biggie, like in the in the bed?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, does do you have to kick him out?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like you put him outside the room.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Does he wait at the door?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he scratches at the door.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, see?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And and the other thing he does is like sometimes he can open the door because it's not a it's a slide, so he figures his wiggles his hand in the slide.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Then he goes to the side of the bed, and it's always to Jack's side, and he starts barking, and we're like, You gotta be kidding me.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then we have to sneak around as if there's a child that went to sleep, and we have to literally like sneak into the bedroom.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever had an an a big ear and any dog get a hold of one of your sex toys?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: What I don't have sex toys.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: What do you got?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Girl, I went shopping with you at Honey Per 10.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Don't lie.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, don't lie.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: You can't open a draw.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can open a door, but not a draw.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: What do you what about yours?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Did they ever get a hold of any of your stuff?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because that thing you were just floating around on a stick looks like a tickling thing that you do in bed.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's not.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: That is not.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you think that's what it looks like?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: It does look like a tickler, absolutely.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: But there's no feather on there.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: Do you like ticklers?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not really into the tickling thing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Did anybody ever try it on you?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: I've tried it all.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've never, so I don't know what that's supposed to feel like or how that's supposed to turn you on, other than laughing.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would say.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's supposed to be sensual.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's like very like inviting and very like a feather?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, because it's like the nerve endings and the whole like Oh.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's like somebody caressing you or touching you soft, like okay.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Give me a good massage and that will turn me on.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: But not a I don't know if a feather would do it for me.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: A massage will put me to sleep.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, that too.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sometimes I don't know.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's a good debate.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's better?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sex or a mass really good massage.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: Or both.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you had to choose one.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: I go to a happy ending place and get them both.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: What if they were busted recently and you couldn't get your happy ending?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, where would you go?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what would you do?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to do it?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Happy endings are a dime a dozen.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I would debate that because a really good massage, like, is pretty up there with really good sex.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know, which is I don't know.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think they're both freaking awesome.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I would be like, they both relax me.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm not having an orgasm when I have a massage, but at the same time.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: I would much rather have an orgasm than have a massage.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, fair enough.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: And also, you burn more calories having an orgasm than you do laying there getting massaged.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: That is true.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: That is true.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: That is true.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: And thank God we don't have to worry about our pets like hanging around in the bed because I just lock them out.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Biggie can't be on the I mean, there's no way.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: He bites.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: Jack can't come near me.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like he literally lays in between us and he stands in attack mode.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like he's looking at him.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like if he walked in the door, he would be looking at him like coming to the room.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Does he try to get in between you and Jack?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: No, he does.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: He does.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then he'll stand in front of us.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: The only thing that Donatella and Valentina do do, like, and it has nothing to do with sex, specifically Donatella.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I'm on my phone at night scrolling, she hates it.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like she's like, it's time for bed.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, no.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: She'll slowly, slowly put her face in front of the phone.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, she wouldn't.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I'm like, I'm trying to scroll.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: That is a good one.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and then push her out of the way.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't be able to push her out of the way.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think that is the cutest thing ever.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's not cute.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's not cute.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: When you're in the middle of like trying to read something and you just can't read it.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: That is adorable.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: How can you not find that cute?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Biggie wouldn't.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I there's a thing with Jack's in bed, and I'll go, oh, Jack.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm playing around, like obviously.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: And he will come up, he's laying on my me.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Jack's gonna be able to do it.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, do you test him on purpose?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like Biggie.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, I just want to f with him.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because he f with me so often, I'm like, I'm gonna f with you.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, oh Jack.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And he's in a coma sleeping, the dog on my side.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Jack, oh Jack.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, and he will get up and he'll come right in.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: In between the two, and he'll just stand there like and I'm like, dude, get out of the way.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then he'll gum up and he won't let me near him, or he won't let Jack near me.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: But even if I'm the one who the aggressor, like, oh Jack, you know, but Jack can't come near me.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: He cannot, if if I go to bed with Biggie first, Jack can't get in bed.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like so, so sometimes it's to my advantage.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think Biggie would say if he could say anything?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like if he could speak like English, like if Biggie could speak about what?
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just in bed.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Anything.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like what do you think that Biggie would say?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you gave Biggie the ability to speak and he could say anything, what do you think would be the first thing out of Biggie's mouth?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Tequila.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: Your quiero taco belt.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: Tequila.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Tequila.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Tequila.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what would be the first word out words out of it?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Donatello would be like, where's my food?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like the girl has like a I a severe like eating problem.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I don't I don't I don't know if she's eating her feelings.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what the heck it is.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: I would love to hear her speak because I'd be like, Why are you always looking for food?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like she literally acts like she's starving all the time.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I mean, we'll be eating dinner, like we've fed her.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: She gets soft food, she gets hard food all day.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of cocktails do you think they would drink?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: If if they had to if your d if your cats were able to order a drink from you, what would it be?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: I think it would be a margarita for sure.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You think it would be a margarita?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think Piggy would drink a I I I know he likes I I know because he's Mexican that tequila would be his first choice.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: How do you know he's Mexican?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because he's Chinese.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine if he like came out and he was like speaking French and he was like we wee and you were like, I thought you were Mexican this whole time.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's possible.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: It is a good thing you didn't name him Tequito or something, and then he went and like been like, Why'd you name me Tequito?
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like Well, I wanted to make name him Pico, and I wanted to name I had all these cute names for him, and then Dominic was young, and he went with me, and he I told him he got to choose the name.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: And we walk out and he's like, his name is Notorious B I G Biggie Smalls.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Okay, Dom, what are we gonna call the what are we gonna call him?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Notorious B-I-G.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Biggie Smalls.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, we no, that's not a cute Chihuahua name.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Mom, that's a that's epic.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want him to be.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it was Chihuahua because Biggie Smalls was on the radio and we got in the car.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: We had no name for him.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: And he came on, he goes, That's his name.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And Dominic is a huge, you know, Biggie Smalls fan.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh man.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: I mean the name fits.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm pissed at him, I call him notorious.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: I had a Pomeranian and his name was Zeus.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's cute.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: But Zeus sounds cute.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Notorious B-I-G.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Zeus.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: People are like, your dog's name is Zeus.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: Zeus is a very powerful, like strong name.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: But he was like, you know, I called him Momo.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: I think Biggie would have scotch.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think Biggie would be like a scotch kind of guy.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: I could see him drinking scotch for sure.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: He might be gay.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: No, Biggie's not gay.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: You don't think Biggie's gay?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: No way.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think he's as masculine as you think he is.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: I think he is.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think that when I think of Big, and if I could make him human, and what I know from him, he would be like he would be like the the the business dad that worked like 50 hours a week and came home and got his with the glasses in the newspaper.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: And he would have his scotch right when he came home from work.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: And when you came in as company, he'd be like, Who are you?
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: What about Donatella and and Valentina?
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I feel like I feel like like like Donatella would be like Ricky Lake.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: Ricky Lake?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't heard that since the 80s.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because like she's very social.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: She wants to know everything that's going on.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: She would give me, she gives me talk show vibes, like, so like she'd be like talk show vibes.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Ricky Lake of all people, like she's like, I mean, pardon the like the what?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me why you think that.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: She's got a little extra fur on her?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: She got a little extra fur, but not just the extra fur, she's also like she's very sociable and she wants to know what's going on in the room, and you know, and if Valentina is definitely Kate Moss.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because she's like totally got like frigid, like faced, and she doesn't eat.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: If she turned sideways, you wouldn't even see her coming.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and she'd be like, Who are you?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: Or Naomi Campbell, even better.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: Naomi Campbell, because like she'd throw a phone at you, no doubt.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: She like hisses at people when they walk in the house.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if she doesn't know who you are, she's like, What are you doing here?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: She's for sure.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I think Janice Dickinson, maybe, too.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think?
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: Biggie.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know who Biggie would be.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: If he was like a celebrity, he would be like um big from Sex in the City.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: He is big from Sex in the City.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I picture him.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_01: And also he would like who are you when you walk in the room?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: He's gangster.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, he might be Mexican, but he's fing gangster.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Mike, so here's the thing about Big Like nobody's business.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: He will, and he's very loyal, but he will bite your goddamn head off.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: He will bite your head off.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: He will bite your head off.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: Can't go near mom, can't go near the dad.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: He is the godfather.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: He is um uh what was his name?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don Corleone?
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: Don Corleon.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but the actor.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Who is the actor?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don Corleone Biggie is Don Corleone.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: What was his name?
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: No, Biggie's Al Pacino.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: That's who he's.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, Al Pacino's too tiny.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Biggie's bigger than Al Pacino.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: He might be small in statue.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: Statue?
• 25:08
  unknown: Statue?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: James Galderfini?
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, not Oh, he could be James Galderfini.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: He's totally James Galderfini, right?
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: If I I might have to change his name to James Gardini.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: God rest his soul.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: God rest his soul.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Mrs.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Soprano.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: Love it.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: Love it.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, come to my bed this time.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for inviting me to your bedroom, Mikey J.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: I enjoy the animal conversation.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't get as extra dirty as I thought.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: But Well, I mean, we didn't get into the toys.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like we were talking about cat toys, but we didn't really get to go.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I guess we're gonna have to save that for the next bedtime stories with Mikey J.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: Make sure to tune in for us.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, on that note.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: I say cheers to all the animals out there.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Woof!
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: Can you get rid of the deerhead?
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: Can you just get rid of the deer head?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not getting rid of the deer head.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Just get rid of the deer head.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know, but can you just move it out of the bedroom?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying you have to get rid of it.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just like kind of get it out of here.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna put that in my living room?
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: What would you what do you think when you walk into somebody's living room and you see a deer head?
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's the only time I've ever seen a deer head is in somebody's living room.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: I've never seen it in a bedroom before.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm trying to say.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: It was in my dad's bedroom.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, alright.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I put it in here.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Cheers to dad.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: I take it back.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: It is a little weird though, like when you're laying in here by yourself and it's staring at you, you're like, Does it have a name?
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's not named.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give it a name like that.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't do it.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's dead.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's gone.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: She's gone.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: But if I see the cats hanging on the wall next time I'm here, it's not gonna be good.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, well, let's close it up.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, so be sure to tune in.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_01: Be sure to tune in.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: Tune in.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: YouTube, iTunes.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: Wrapping it up.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_01: iTunes.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: iTunes.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: Looney Tunes.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: Looney Tunes, you name it, all the podcast platforms at straight up extra dirty.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Bedtime stories with Mikey G.