Latest / Don Talk - Conversations with Mike Turner / Men - Would You Move for Love?
Transcript
- Don Talk: Welcome to Don Talk. Here we are again, sir. This is how we do it. Glad to see you. How you doing today, I'm bad, man. So. I'm doing wonderful, man. Wonderful, man. Tired. You know, what's that, the green mouth? When he's like, I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired. Which is a whole nother topic on its own about what men really mean when they say they tired. Yeah. Yeah ⁓ man. Yeah. Oof. Right. So we may get into that, but I'm good, man. It's been a crazy few weeks. I just got back from the boys trip from Vegas and had a good time, man. We hung out, watched basketball, smoked cigars. That's it. So it was a great four days. Vegas? How was that? Can't beat that. Can't beat that. Reconnected with some college homies. We'll get them on the podcast here soon. So it was a good time. It was a good time, man. But you know, back on the grind, is working. It's working. How about you, man? How you doing? Working is working, man. I'm doing pretty good, man. I just had me some, ⁓ what is it? Some type of soup that my wife made, man. It was good. Like enchilada soup. You know, the ones that come, I think chili has it, chilies. Well, she had her own recipe, man. I ate a whole bowl of that. It's like, man, so I'm feeling good. got my, ⁓ you know, I got my drink here. What's inside? Nobody will know. ⁓ huh. go. Okay I got mine, well you know what, brought to you unofficially until they make it official. Unofficially through my own pocketbook. Uncle Nears, I'm doing the Uncle Nears old fashioned. you know, cheers brothers, you know. Yeah. There we go. Okay, all right. I'm doing, see, I'm doing some spring water. Feels good. ⁓ Today, today, next time it'll be something different. I can promise you that, I'm loving that shirt, though. There we go. There we go. There we go. Okay. Hey, this is a classic right here. This is an Activity Black shirt. They went from a black-owned cotton field to a black-owned production to being sold and made by a black company. So from blackness to blackness, know, I'm always wearing my Activity Black up in here. representing. ⁓ Here we go. Yes sir, yes sir. That's how we do it, man. So what is going on today, man? You know what? I'ma just say it. I heard a podcast and the podcast didn't really sit well with me, know, cause this is a dawn, you know, and I heard, you know, some great information on it. You know, I learned a lot from it, ⁓ but you know, it was kind of hurtful too. I ain't gonna even front, man. It was hurtful to me. Man. ⁓ to hear that about my guy. But you know what? We live strong and we live long, man. That's how we do it. It's what it is, man. ⁓ I don't know if it came up in a different podcast or not, but I think it probably was deleted. But yeah, that mess hurt. That's all I'll say right now. That hurt. I'm human. I'm human. And I thought private moments were going to get private and they weren't. So I was very disappointed. No, no, no. Mm-hmm. Well, let's get it in. I ain't gonna say that. So, before we even, I'll just go right into it, man. Before we even started, you we were talking about relocation and all the places you and I have been, man, like throughout our lives, man. I think you left before, or we all left at the same time. Right. I left, I was the first person to leave. I was the first person to leave LA. So those are, so we said, we know we from LA. I'm Inglewood, you Los Angeles. I went, got a full track scholarship to Purdue University. So y'all was still back in, in LA. Then our undergrad there, masters there. Mm-hmm. Right? worked there for eight years. I spent like about 15 plus years in Indiana, West Lafayette, then got a job in Miami. So spent seven years in Miami, two years in Oxford, Mississippi, two years in Reno, Nevada, two years in Boston, Massachusetts. Now I am eight months or so in to Austin, Texas. So yeah, I've been around, chasing the title. Mm-hmm. Yeah. ⁓ huh. Wait, so all those times you were moving, were they straight for career? Like you just kind of moving with the opportunity? ⁓ okay. So what's the difference between all those and now and where you're at now? Well, so I would say, first of all, let's start off. Where all have you been? Let's start there first. ⁓ Oh man. All right. So I left LA. just going left LA. went to, you know, I went over to Ohio, Wilberforce University, HBCU, first one, Salis 1856. Had to get it out there. I left Ohio and then I went to the military for a while as an Air Force Reserver. So I was in Biloxi, Mississippi, and also I spent time in Texas for a while. Left there, went back to Ohio, finished up school, you know, and then left to go to LA. But after that, met my wife. We moved to Indiana, right? I supported her in Indiana and, went back to LA because she had an opportunity there. Like I said, you know, ⁓ we go where the opportunity is. And, ⁓ after California for about eight months, you know, we left again. to move where we are today, which is in North Carolina. So like I said, man, yeah, we've been moving, I've been to many other places, but as far as with my lady, her and I, like I said, man, I was moving for the opportunity and I knew that was the right move. It just so happened that my wife, she was doing the dang on thing, man, and she still is. You know, I don't regret none of it. Well, you know, I do regret leaving Indiana. That was a cool place. I agree with Frank. I didn't think I gonna like Indiana. I do. So. I I miss... Yeah. in the end. I gonna lie, I miss it too. I mean, I spent 15, that's where I grew up, literally grew up at. From 17, 18 to 33. I mean, that's where I learned to be, learned growing up, learned to be a man. So yeah, like, so I answered your question wrong, number one. You said, asked me where all those moves for career, all but one. So I just want to clarify that. Uh-huh. Right. Which one was that? And I'm literally tired. So if I feel sluggish, it's not because, if I sound sluggish, it's not because of this drink. I just took two sips of it. I'm literally tired. ⁓ This current move. So I've always ⁓ like. tried to improve and grow in this space. you know, once I got to a spot at one institution where I felt like I've done enough or there was nowhere, no forward movement for me to go, then I would, okay, it's time to leave. I've done everything I can within the constraints that they've given me and I don't see myself advancing anymore at this place. So then those instances when I decided to leave. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Okay. So ⁓ this or a better opportunity just fell in my lap. I'll put it that way. ⁓ So, ⁓ I got fired. I got fired at one institution. So let's be real. ⁓ Okay. I think we are, I think a lot of, we can go into that some other time, right? I got some funny fire stories myself, Yeah, so for the first time in my career, I decided I picked this move or made the decision to move, not for... not for career choices, but for love or personal reasons. Like it wasn't about the job. It wasn't about this is an advancement in my career. It was about... ⁓ Okay. is about, okay, I'm gonna make a personal decision for love, if you want to just say it like that, I moved for love. So this is the first time in my life I moved for love. yeah, what's next? What's the next question? Yeah. No, mean, most of mine was it just so happened that I was supporting my wife. But not only that, it was a good opportunity. You know, now, if it wasn't a good opportunity, I wouldn't have done it. You know what I'm saying? Well, when I say good opportunity, I mean good opportunity for the family. You know what I'm saying? And that was a good opportunity for the family. So the opportunity that you moved with for, you said it was for love. Now, was that a Would you consider that an opportunity? Or was it just like you would think what you would think with your balls? It was a personal opportunity, Nah, I was with this individual for almost four years. So we were engaged and it was the right thing to do. It was the next evolution. I felt at the time it was the next evolution in the growth of our relationship. And so I literally... You okay? Okay, alright. Do you regret doing it? I don't regret doing it. think all things happen for a reason. So if you've been listening, we're not together anymore. I hope you all figured that out by now by listening to us, but we're not together anymore. I don't regret it. I, I, the only thing that I asked myself is did I rush into it? Yeah. And and I, would say I just took the whatever job that came my way. You're not gonna say, you're not gonna say, well, there's a reason, know, everybody wants to say, well, there's a reason why you moved there. There's a reason why. Yeah, mean, that's a part of that, part of me thinks that way. Like there's a reason for everything. There's a reason a season for everything. So that could be it. So and focus on what I need to focus on, which is me. And like, and we know that I got some stuff I got to work on. I'm going through a healing journey, trying to find me. So I don't know that I would have. There's a reason. Yeah, the reason why you move there so you can break up. Or, I mean, yeah. You're not lost, my man. Yeah, I wouldn't have got there if I wasn't here, if that makes sense. So I had to be here to do it and go through what I went through to get to the point where wanting to heal, needing to heal, doing the work to heal, I don't know if I would have got there in Boston. So no, I don't regret it at all. just... ⁓ no, you... Yeah. We will. I'll say this man, even you know myself being married. I regret a couple of times moving for love. You know, because usually when we moved it was because of her career. You know what I'm saying? The first time we moved, like I said, it was for her. She went to go get her piece. We was in LA. We was in LA and she got accepted to Purdue. So go back to the first time you move. Where were you currently at and where were you? ⁓ And we agree. What's up, man? I can't hear him. Tim: Hey. Don Talk: Timothi, we got Timothi joining us. We're gonna hijack you. Tim: I didn't hijack. Don Talk: It's all good man, nice to meet you sir. Tim: How you doing? Don Talk: Right, now we were just talking about moving for love, unless you wanna bring in this, we were just discussing reasons why we move or relocated. And I was just kinda explaining to Mike that there were a few times that I regretted, right? Because my career had to stop. So my wife career can thrive. You know what I mean? Tim, we do, we. Tim: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: which is usually the exact opposite, right? Let's just put it out there. It's usually the exact opposite. Yeah, I would say, but yeah, it's usually that, but see the thing is how I go at my family, if it's better for the family, then I'm gonna go for it, not just for me. Because for me, that's kind of being selfish, right? So I got three kids to look at, to kind of think about. I'm like, okay, shoot, know, this is a good opportunity and, woo, this would be good for the family. So I'm gonna do it, right? But when I get there, I had to start all over. I started all over at least four times, So the first time was from LA to West Lafayette. And she was, and that was for her to get in her PhD program. I mean, but I was there, so it couldn't have been that bad. I did, I did. to Purdue, right? And then. Exactly. So she come. No, I mean, but you left, man. You left. You left. You did leave. And at that time, you was in a relationship there. I Yeah. ⁓ Tim: And just for the record, I did move one time for love. Don Talk: One time for love. What's that experience like for you, man? Tim: Well, my move was from New Jersey to Georgia, actually. And, you know, I got laid off in around that 08, 09 time period where, you know, the economy was pretty, pretty tough. And I had just proposed to my wife about a month prior to. And. Don Talk: Your current wife? You gotta say that, your current wife? You gotta say that. Tim: ⁓ my current wife. Yeah, you're right. You're right though. You're right. You got it. ⁓ My current wife of almost 16 years for the record. And ⁓ so I was home for about a couple months and ⁓ it got to the point that I was like, well, I can look for a job anywhere. And so I said, well, I'll go down there and hang out with her. Don Talk: Yeah, you gotta say that, you're right. Yeah, there we go. nice. Tim: while I look for a job, but like my main focus was New Jersey. We were going to get married in New Jersey. She had agreed to move to New Jersey. So she was the one, you know, supposed to move for me. And then nothing came through in New Jersey. And I ended up having to accept a job down here and, you know, get the rest of my things and come down here because she had a house already. And that's where the opportunity was. And I've been trying to get back to New Jersey ever since. Don Talk: You and you've been there for 16 plus years. Tim: Yeah, yeah, and she will tell you, she will tell you, I do not want to be here. But this is the circumstance and I make it work. ⁓ You know, I even hate the fact that my kids was born here, just saying. But yeah, so it's my reality. ⁓ But the minute I have the ability to move back home, would. Don Talk: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You Well, let's talk about what was the, so, and don't get me wrong, yours was a little slightly different, Tim, because you, didn't, and I'm not saying this disrespectfully, but you didn't, you were in between jobs, so you kind of was like, I'm taking a leap, I'm gonna figure it out. But was you still looking for jobs outside of Georgia, or was you focusing on jobs? So it wasn't like I'm moving there and staying. Tim: Yes. No, no, no, that I was never like I said, I was the wedding was in New Jersey and she had already agreed to move to New Jersey and the house was on the market, you know, and so, ⁓ you know, I was just literally saying, Hey, let me go kick it with my fiance while I look for this job. And the focus was New Jersey, New Jersey, New Jersey. And, know, unfortunately after, ⁓ you know, Don Talk: Right. Gotcha. Tim: A year, you know, I had to come to the realization that, you know, I wasn't finding anything in New Jersey and I had to start looking in Georgia. I was just going to one more thing. And me not finding a job in New Jersey, which was hard for me because I wanted to go there, started to affect our relationship because Don Talk: What do you think would happen? ⁓ sorry, go ahead. Tim: She was already on the fact like, listen, you need to find something down here. ⁓ Don Talk: What do you think it would look like, either one of you, if it went another way? You got to a spot in Jersey, know, Mike, you stayed in Indiana or Boston, whichever one, you you decide to stay there. Like, what would that look like? I'm trying to see, I wanna see facial expressions. What would that look like for either one of you? Tim: Go ahead, Mike. Don Talk: Man, that's a tough one. If I decide to stay in Boston, is that what you're asking? I think, yeah. Yeah, like if in the other dimension, right, in another dimension, you're probably in Boston. You know what I'm saying? So what would that look like for you? I probably, would, the job I had was, I'm gonna preface it a few ways, the job I had was my ideal dream job. So I left my ideal dream job, but the circumstances on the support that I felt I should have had to excel in that job was not there. So it was like, in one breath I know I'm not gonna get the support that I desire and need to excel in that position. So if I stayed there, was I ever going to get it? I don't know. So, but that was, that was a very frustrating aspect of holding on to that job. So I think it was, if I'm not going to get it, then yeah, why not leave? But I think I I would still be there and I would have figured it out and would have crushed, I'll be crushing it. Would I be a hundred percent happy? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think so. Hey. Okay. Because the frustration around not having the support to excel in a way that we should have excelled wasn't there. And I think that frustration would have boiled over in more ways than one and probably caused more problems and issues than needed. So I think the season was over for a time in Boston. But it was a conscious decision to be like, OK, I'm making this move. At the time, my fiance had a remote job, so she could work from wherever. And so it was easy. She didn't like Boston. She wanted to move to a place where it's warm 90 % of the time. And Austin was it. So I was like, I focused solely on looking for jobs in Austin and found one. And here I am without a fiance. But like you said earlier, now I'm... So. I don't think I would be working on me in a level that I'm working on me in Boston. So I had to be here at Austin to do that. Alright. What about you, Tim? Tim: ⁓ If I'm understanding it correctly, you're just saying what if I got the new job, the job in New Jersey and my wife moved with me or I just want to understand. Don Talk: Well, the question is, what if you would have stayed in New Jersey? What would that look like for you? Tim: Man. That would be, you know, I really, the only way I can answer that is if I stayed in New Jersey and it still took me the amount of time that it took me to get a job, ⁓ it wouldn't look good. ⁓ But if I stayed in New Jersey and I got a job, and if I decided to stay and I got a job in New Jersey and it was a good one, something that I wanted to do. things would have been great, I think, because that was the original plan. That's the only way I can say that. ⁓ it took me, I think it was somewhere around 14 to 16 months to find a job. So. Don Talk: Okay. The reason why I asked that question is because, and that's why I said, what would it look like if you were to be in Jersey or if you were to be in Boston? nowhere did I talk about work. I didn't say anything about a but automatically what do we do? We go for work. can say anything about family. You have a daughter out there. You have friends out there. We have acquaintances out there. Work is not all we do gentlemen. Tim: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Okay. Yeah. Don Talk: You know, but right? No, no, no. I mean, I was just making the point, right? The point is that we go so hard into our careers and we go so hard into, you know, trying to make that money that we forget what truly matters. I mean, work matters. Don't get it twisted. Work matters, you know, but other things also we're more than just working and putting in work. I know, but that's literally... Yeah, you're 100 % right. You're 100 % right. And part of my journey and my healing process, I'm realizing that. Because how I interpreted things and incidents that happened in my teenage years, I was validating myself and working for the praise through the titles and salary at work. So that's what made me who I was. And we have to remember that. Yeah. at that time. Like, yeah, yes, I've raised my daughter since she was one and half years old. And Tim, Tim was in grad school. Well, I was in grad school. Tim was in undergrad. He watched her while I was in grad school for me. So it's like, Tim knows, he knows what I went through. so it's like. Okay. Did we ever meet in Indiana, Tim? Did I ever meet Tim in Indiana? Tim: I don't think so. Don Talk: I don't think so. He was gone because I was, that was probably, I left in 12. So was probably, yeah, like you came the last two years and he was gone. That was 10, know, 2010 and 2012. yeah. So it's like, you know, even though I know, like I took care of my responsibilities, did what I had to do because of the hurt, the undelt with trauma that I was dealing with. Okay. Okay, okay. Tim: Yeah, I was going to. Don Talk: Okay. I was so focused on my value in my job. And now, know, realized, yeah, like, I'm more than what my job tells me I am. Absolutely. You know, and this, and I wouldn't, you know, I remember our first podcast around, like you brought it up and you hit me upside the head. had to go, had to do some work from the very first podcast that we started. So, so was like, it's been a journey for me just talking and dealing with stuff through this, through this channel. So I'm still working on stuff and I'm still coming to the realization. Yeah. Like I am more valuable to my daughter. Even she's 25 now more valuable to her now. Yeah. than I am at the job. So like the time I spend with her is more valuable than what I put in as a job. it took, sheesh, it took 30 plus years for me to realize that, you know? What would you tell anybody who's even thinking about relocating, right? And in a relationship, right? And in relationship, a serious one, right? We have to kind of put prefaces on that because most of us who's in a relationship, like I've been married almost 16 years myself and you were with your late for four years and Tim, you said you were married for 16 years, right? So we got skin in the game, right? So what would you tell... Tim: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: The next person. A. How would you finish that? A. I think we all know what that means. Tim: So, you know, for me, it's ⁓ be able to accept the permanence or the possibility of the permanence of it. ⁓ Because if I'm being honest, and Mike has been my friend for a long time, and I still say I want to go back to Jersey. You understand what I'm saying? And I'm still fighting, and like my friends, my friends, like I've Don Talk: Mmm, ⁓ Yeah. Tim: A lot of my friends, I've had friends for 20, 30, know, some of them 40 years. And I'm still fighting that good fight to try to get back home. Now, does it, you know, I'm mature, I accept it or whatever, I'm not crying about it. But I would love to go back home. And I say that, you know, my biggest piece of advice would be to... Don Talk: Mm-hmm. Tim: make sure that you understand that if you relocate, this could be permanent. And this might not be a pathway back to where you want to go or where you were. So that would be my biggest piece of advice. Don Talk: If you relocate, ain't a date. I just made that up. You can cut that out, but it's right. Tim: Yeah. Yeah. Because in reality, I've been here because I came here a year before. So I've been down here 17 years. So. Don Talk: So how does your wife feel about relocating, the potentiality of relocating to Jersey? Tim: Well, you know, being that I've been trying to get back there for 17 years, we've already had that discussion. So the limiting factor here is ⁓ the different financial cost. Can I live in New Jersey the way we live here or close to it? If I ever. Don Talk: Mmm. Cause you got a mansion, you got a mansion in Georgia. Tim: No, I wouldn't say that. ⁓ But if, and she knows, if I ever got to the point that I am, let's say, making X and we can move home and we can live like we live here, she knows that I'm coming for that conversation. She knows. so I, ⁓ and to really answer the question, it's more of a, you know, my family's there, we have support. ⁓ I'm very well connected at home. Don Talk: Mm-hmm. Tim: It would be a positive thing. My wife loves my family, loves my brothers, my cousins, everybody. So it would be a good thing. Don Talk: Okay. I think I would. Do know she feels that way 100 %? Do you know she feels that way 100 %? Tim: What's that? ⁓ I know exactly how she feels because we had the conversation. Now there are people that she would miss. There are things that, you know, she would definitely be coming back here for. ⁓ But, you know, I think that if we're being fair, I've been down here a long time. It's my time. Don Talk: It is your turn man. ⁓ Tim: Yeah. ⁓ Don Talk: Ain't nothing wrong with that. To add to that, like I said, when we went to Indiana, my wife got accepted to Syracuse, ⁓ Purdue, and some other school, but ⁓ Purdue was the only one that offered her full scholarship, right? So I said, all right, come on. Because she said, like, wasn't going to leave LA and we not be married. Ain't no way I'm going move down in my girlfriend. I'm not doing it, right? You're going to commit to this. You know what saying? And she agreed to it. Tim: Mm-hmm. Right. Don Talk: So we go down there, we stay and I told her, hey, next move is mine. Tim: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Don Talk: next move in mind to be fair, right? And she said, cool, no problem. Came up, got a job offer in LA at Long Beach State, right, teaching there. I didn't have a job offer in North Carolina. I knew I wanted to come to North Carolina, but I didn't have a job offer in North Carolina. So it hurt me, man. It hurt me because I knew that if I would have went to North Carolina, we would have struggled even more. Right? Tim: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Don Talk: So I said, ⁓ let's go. I did it with an attitude. I mean, in front, I did it with an attitude. And my belief in God, and I kept telling her, hey, is God telling me to go. I didn't know nobody in North Carolina, nobody, no job, no nothing. All I had in my education and my experience. And I got spanked when I went to LA, man, because I should have went to North Carolina. Tim: Thank Thank Yeah. Don Talk: And then when I came out to North Carolina, I got spanked again because it's almost like I wasted time. So if something to tell you, even if you have a strong belief or strong gut feeling, if something to tell you to be somewhere, I would encourage the person go. Tim: Yeah. Don Talk: It's because it's something that's inside you, you know, that's telling you to do something. And I should have did it. And now I'm in a place that I should have been in. two years ago. Because I waited. Tim: Yeah. Well, I was ⁓ funny enough, I was listening to Jay-Z's interview today and he was, I he talked about two big things that stood out for me. the second one, well, the first one he said, you know, we got to get out of that terminology or using the term, you know, what they will allow us to do. No one should allow us to do anything. So the second point that he said is that, you know, things don't happen to you. They happen for you. So you were kind of saying, ⁓ you know, if I went to North Carolina first or whatever, but maybe that wasn't for you at that time. Maybe you are better off. And he was basically saying it. You have to accept the good with the bad. So there is, you know, he was like, everything is happening for you, you know, and if you take that mindset, and that's the one of the mindset that he has, is he was saying, listen, I know, he basically said, shit happens. And he said, but that happens to everybody, nobody is immune to it. he's billionaire, some stuff happens to them, stuff happens to people down in the lower end of the totem pole. Don Talk: Mm-hmm. Tim: things are happening for you in your life and have to roll with those punches basically. And I thought that was kind of an interesting take on it. ⁓ Don Talk: Yeah, I like that. I think we do say that a lot though, what we're allowed to do. I agree with that. That's a good point. Yeah. Tim: Yeah. Don Talk: And that was... Absolutely correct, man, because when I went back home, I realized it wasn't home anymore. Tim: Mm. Don Talk: Right. I realized it was not home anymore. maybe, I mean, that could be something. Cause at the end I said, man, I'm, glad I did that because if I didn't, I would have always had this in my head, man. I wonder what would it be like if I was at home and I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Um, first of all, I'm in North Carolina and we, it was, I was mad during the process, but after the process was over. it after I got through it. But during it, man, it was it was something that I I was I had an attitude all day. You can tell you can tell me to be happy. You can tell me the good in it or nothing. I just I wanted to get out of there. I don't want to be there. My body was just kind of aching. I was getting sick. Dog, I was falling asleep on the freeway. And you know how L.A. freeways are know them from Jersey bridges. You know what I'm saying? Tim: Mm. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So. Don Talk: Joe. And yeah, I will take that, man. Thanks for that. Absolutely. Yeah, I would. That was a good point. I agree with what you were saying, Darron earlier too. If you gonna move, I would definitely move. your gut is saying, ⁓ your heart and mind is leading you to do, do it. Don't second guess yourself. Obviously ponder on it. Like weigh the pros and cons, but like when you do all that, when you ponder and you thought about it, and know, what's the pluses and minuses of me going here? What's the pluses and minuses of me staying? And one is gonna outweigh the other. And once you sit there and think about it, go all in. Don't second guess yourself once you make that decision. So I'm not gonna sit here and say I regret it at all. think I, you know. ⁓ Right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Tim: Yeah. Don Talk: the circumstances that end up happening, think we wanted things to work out better than the way we did from a relationship standpoint. But when it's all said and done, I have to look at it like I had to get out of that environment to take care of me to get me to where I need to be from a personal standpoint. ⁓ And I'm okay with that. Your gut breaks the tie, right? You know, have the pros and the cons, right? Ah, there's a tie. Your gut, you know, breaks the tie. Well, it should anyway. So when you think about like the emotions that you went through, did you feel any less ⁓ of a man, I'm doing that in air quotes because what society says a man is supposed to be, did you feel any less of a man knowing that you were following your quote unquote partner instead of her following you? You know, I look at relationships different, You know, I wanted to be a smart man who would do the smart thing, you know, including get a smart woman. You know, I'm all into that. Like, I love me a smart woman, man. There you go. I can vouch and say that both of y'all have women that are smarter than both of y'all. Tim: it. Okay. Don Talk: ⁓ Absolutely. But no, no, no, no, I'll say this. I'll say this. I'll say this. Why? I will say this. Only a smart man would know that. Tim: Yeah. Yeah. So I was going to say like I have, I can answer your question. Like, like I had that issue and I don't know how old you were, Doron, right? It's Doron. Yeah. When, when you moved to, to Indiana, but let me give you the perspective, the scenario laid off moving in her house, no job. Don Talk: Yeah. Hey. There's no way that... Go ahead and say it. Tim: So it was, yeah. ⁓ Don Talk: So she's taking care of you. Oh, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Tim: Listen, So you have to, it's a hard position to be in. But I think to both of your points, you've got to have a smart woman, right? But you've got to have the right woman. And at no point during that time did I feel ⁓ emasculated for. Don Talk: Absolutely. Mm-hmm. Tim: ⁓ like she was, you know, look at it, you know, give me the side. I didn't feel that. And so, but, you know, to answer your question directly, it was hard. I don't think I felt like that from her or society. It was just, I was disappointed in myself and sometimes, you know, there were, there were hard days and there were hard nights. And, you know, I dealt with that internally, right, wrong or indifferent. Don Talk: Hmm. Tim: But I got out of it. So, but it was definitely hard. Don Talk: That's what's up. think that's a good point that I want folks to understand. It's like if you were down and out, I'm using a paraphrasing, but you had a woman there that didn't emasculate you for it. She supported you, lifted you up however you did it to make you feel comfortable enough to even stay in that position for that, how long you say it was that you was without a job? Tim: about six, I think it some, it was over a year. It was over a year. Don Talk: So over a year, so for you to deal with that over a year, it had to be a great environment. Supportive, friendship-wise, relationship-wise, a whole nine for you to get the job that you needed to feel comfortable enough to stay and move forward in a relationship. So kudos to Pete, because that's what's up. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Hey, total opposite, man. I can do it front. I'm sorry. I can't front. can't. Because, ⁓ hey, I didn't get laid off, but I left my job, right? Had my own spot, you know, right? I just, everything was cool for me, right? I was living the life for me. I was single, doing my thing, right? Got to my wife and we, you know, she was my girlfriend at the time. Didn't think anything was gonna come of it, but it did. Hahaha Tim: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Don Talk: Went to Indiana. Man, I don't know if you've the document. I just remember it like honestly, we've been around the Purdue people so many times. Like I even told her, man, I accused her of cheating on me because of my insecurities. You know what saying? Because you know, PhD, man, she was up in there. She was with these PhD folks at Purdue. Tim: No. Hmm. Don Talk: the crap they was talking about. know nothing they were talking about. All they talk about is research. That's it. And I felt like I didn't belong there. And on top of that, on top of that, I was working at McDonald's making $7.25 an hour. Right? No, no, let me tell you, because I couldn't find a job. Tim: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: You didn't tell me that I could have came and got some free hookups on some Happy Meals or stuff. And I said man, I got to suck this up. I went to McDonald's She tried to surprise me in the ball and crying when she came to the drive-thru window She was trying to support me, but I was okay as long as she didn't see me and when I say I ⁓ Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait the one right there. ⁓ it was in Lafayette Tim: Mm-mm. Which McDonald's was it then? Don Talk: Yeah. Was it in West Lafayette or Lafayette? Okay, alright. Okay. It was Lafayette. was right up the street from me. It was right up the street from me, man. And I was like, oh my God. When you talk about confidence, when you go to Purdue and you have to tell people, hey, so what do you do? Tim: ⁓ Don Talk: Dang. saying, compare, oh, you know, then you have, I mean, luckily I have my money game right. So before I even left California, I had saved up enough money to pay rent for like year and a half. Rent was good. I was straight with rent, bills, everything was straight. But having a job, I'm working at McDonald's. One of my friends was clowning me. They said the reason why they give people hats at McDonald's is because that's how far they're going to get in the company. You know what I'm But that's what I'm saying. Like those are some of the things that you have to deal with if you're moving for love You know what I'm saying? These are sacrifices you gonna have to make and dog I did a documentary It's called I'm good, bro. I'm good, bro unmasking blackmail depression where I went into You know, you know me being depressed me have you know having thoughts of suicide getting close to suicide behaviors You know I'm saying I'm sitting here. It's cutting the Tim: Mm. Right. Don Talk: cutting my wrist with a knife trying to see how deep I can go. You know what saying? It was a lot for me, man, when I made that move. I was like, why in the heck did I leave everything? Tim: Yeah. ⁓ Don Talk: to come here. Number one, I'm glad you made it through that process, because the grass is definitely like, you water the grass without even you knowing, you water the field that you was in and the grass is growing and shining where you at right now. So it paid off, brother. ⁓ no. Tim: And I'm going to say this. ⁓ One of the reasons why my wife was so strong in support of me is the same reason why you was working at McDonald's. Because you would not sit on the couch and look for a job instead of going and finding something to do. You weren't going to be on the couch. Don Talk: Yeah. Tim: going to contribute to the household or the apartment some way. And that's what men do. Like, listen, you had a cool job, a job where you make enough money you could save up a year and a half and still have a good time. So you was obviously making decent money, but you humbled yourself enough to go work at McDonald's. And I think that's a testament to your character and probably one of the reasons why. You know, your wife saw that in you, that like this man will go work at McDonald's before he sit on the couch. So yeah, kudos to you. Don Talk: There, that's what's up. There you go. That's a good point, Tim, that's a good point. Yeah, Our first Christmas, look, our first Christmas, I can laugh about this now, but our very first Christmas, we had, you my wife, she came from a family, they had rooms full of gifts. I mean, gifts all over the place, like that home alone type situation. You know what I'm saying? Like some, a lot of gifts. Man, we had $20 store name. So what did we eat? A piece. Tim: Hmm. Don Talk: So what did we do? We went to the dollar store and bought 18 or 19 gifts. We know what tax, right? Wrap the presents, put them joints under the tree. And we had a $3 store Christmas, man. I said, hey, no way this gonna happen again. My wife, she was crying. I'm like, oh my Lord, you gotta help me do this. You gotta help me do this. Tim: Yeah. Don Talk: Yeah. Just last year, you know, we bought it, you know, we bought our property. So from 99 cents to where to buy our properties, man, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that, but it was hard. ⁓ to writing books. Don't forget about that too, to writing books. Yeah. Yeah, it was hard. I'm not going to, it was hard. Like when you, when you do that and Tim, you know it, Mike, you know it, man. It's going to be, I always tell people, give yourself at least two years to get acclimated to wherever you are. It's going to take about two percent. Well, for me, took two years or two and a half years. And then you start to kind of get the groove in the thing, but it's hard. Even with the job is hard. Tim: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don Talk: And I think that's the tough part of what I'm in. The job I have is a, a company I work for as a contractual, their own contract. So in next, next April 27, that contract is up. Will I have a job or will I not? I don't know. So I think that's a tough part of being comfortable is, you know, making that move for, for the relationship, the relationship with South. and now potentially the job could go south in another year. So like that'd be, you know, a year and a half mark and being out here in Austin and I could be starting all over. So it's like trying to find that comfortability is tough when everything is changing. You know, I think that's another hard part is I'm going through personal changes. you know, trying to figure out like who I am, you know, because, I say that specifically because talking with my therapist, he said that I've, we've come to the agreement based on the past trauma that I've, I have a performance ⁓ based acceptance. I perform for acceptance. Tim: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: So because of the incident that happened early on in my childhood and didn't receive what I wanted to receive, I spent all this time performing for acceptance, which means I'm making decisions to make you happy, not make me happy, because I'm making a decision in the hopes that you accept who I am. So I've been doing that for 30 years. So now, all of a sudden, I realize this. Now I got to figure out, OK, well, what does Mike want? What does Mike want to do? Tim: Yeah. Don Talk: Right. Right. Tim: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: Yeah. And so now, relationship is over. What does Mike want? What does Mike want to do? How does he figure this out? Job is uncertain. You know, so it's like, it's just a whirlwind of emotions and things happening in Austin. But I'm, hey, I'm thriving, making it through it. Tim: Yeah, it's funny you say that you were making decisions based on the other person. And I've been married quite a long time. sometimes every now and again, someone asks me like, oh, what's your biggest piece of advice? It's like, hey, and I always say the same thing. You have to accept that person for 100 % of who they are. And vice versa. And that is the only piece of advice that I give because, you know, that, you know, as I was telling Mike last week, you know, a lot of people get married or they get with somebody they think is going to be unicorns and rainbows like that first one or two years. And that is not marriage. And ⁓ I was fortunate enough to, you know, be in a situation where my parents were married. Don Talk: Absolutely. Absolutely. you Tim: until my father passed and I saw the fights, the arguments, the reality of marriage and my grandparents were married, you know, until my grandfather passed. So I saw all that. And so I was fortunate to walk into that situation, know, understanding ⁓ those things and I expected them, but sometimes people don't and that's where you kind of get in trouble. And then like, like you said, Mike, you know, it's hard when you're not keeping in mind who you are and making decisions for you. And that person doesn't accept the fact that this is how Mike thinks, or this is how you think, or this is how I think. And these are the things that I need ⁓ to be successful in this relationship. And let's talk about what you need to be successful in this relationship. Don Talk: And I think that's good point. And I think I can only speak for myself. I'm only going to say my side, what I felt. I felt that I wasn't receiving that in the relationship. And I think that was one of the downfalls for me, not only speak for me, of not feeling like I was enough. Tim: So, Mm-hmm. Don Talk: And that wasn't a trigger from the past. There was instances that came up that I interpreted as, I'm not enough. I'm not enough for you to move forward. I'm not enough for this. I'm not enough. So I was constantly trying to, I felt like I was constantly trying to be in to ensure, appease my partner. And I lost more of who I thought I was in doing that. Tim: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: So let me ask you a question. What's the difference from feeling that you're not enough and ⁓ a woman? wanting to help you grow, right? Because maybe sometimes, you know, let's say, you know, she's saying, hey, you should do this or you should do that. And when you're hearing all this or you're not doing this or you're not doing that, maybe like how could, how could we tell the difference between, hey, is she putting this down or hey, is she building the self? That's a communication skill. Number one, to answer your question, at the point where it's specifically expressed that I need you to reach this level in order for you to feel comfortable for us to move forward. That's when things changed. Because now I have to, you're not. To me, I interpret that love wasn't unconditional. Love was based on a condition that you obtained this goal for me to feel comfortable for me to say I do. So under the condition that you get here, I can say I do. But under the condition I don't, I can't say I do. And I think that's where... Tim: Mm. Don Talk: the acceptance, that's where for me the acceptance of me for me disappeared. It wasn't about loving me for me. It was loving the idea of what you wanted me to be. And instead of, I firmly believe that two people will never be the same. From the time you meet, from the time you die, you're gonna be constantly in motion and growing, hopefully. Like whether it's good or bad, like, you know, you're going to go on some, some highs and your partner could go on some lows. And then while you're on, while you hit a plateau, your partner could be going on a high. there's, there's different every flows of relationship, but you've committed to making sure that you're in it for the long haul, good or bad with that individual, not under the condition that they stay here and meet and continue to meet those societal expectations or. comfortabilities, whatever. So it's like, you know, I think that's the difference. I also feel that once women, I said this before, I think women have a power in their words. And some of them understand it, some of them use it to the detriment of men, some of them use it to uplift men. So. our egos, I can admit that I'll say for me, my ego is very fragile. if I'm mama's boy, love my mama, you know, she's went on to her savior in 2020. So when she left, I didn't have that person that was always positive, always lifting me up. She knew exactly what I was going through, but she was there saying, Michael, you could do it. You know, she didn't know it 100 % everything, but she just poured into me knowing that the power of her words could get me out of a situation. And that's a, that's a communication trait that a lot of, I assumed a lot of women don't understand it and realize that they have just by saying, you know, you can do it. Not, they don't have to know what you're going through. I equate it to. Tim: Hmm. That's Don Talk: ⁓ Cheerleaders. Cheerleaders at a football game do not know the play that the team is calling, don't know what's going on, but their whole job is to push and create the atmosphere, help create the atmosphere for the team to do good. They don't know what direction, what's being called, what's happening, they don't know. But their job is to ensure that they help create the atmosphere for that team to perform well. Tim: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: I think that's one of the aspects of a partner is to assist and help it create the atmosphere. for your partner to perform to the best of their ability. that can, if it's a, I think it's a learned skill. I don't think everybody knows how to do it. And it doesn't come naturally to everybody. So I think that we have to understand and accept that everybody isn't perfect and everybody's not gonna come across it right. Or so how long can you deal with interpreting it wrong? You know, and everybody. You know, Michelle Obama messed it up for a lot of these women out here. She put it, man, all the way to the presidency. You know what I mean? And I think that's what a lot of men, you know, we look for, right? But realistically, man, we gotta be our own cheerleaders, dog. You know what I'm saying? Because it's gonna be... Hahaha Tim: Hmm. Don Talk: Yeah. Especially when you get married, right? It's gonna be times where I mean your wife should be your number one cheerleader. I ain't gonna even front it, right? And we should be our number one. We should be the number one cheer for our wives. You know what I'm saying? But honestly, that ain't gonna happen a lot of the times, man. Because you know, most of the time you're gonna have to be cheering for yourself, right? Most of the time you're gonna have to be building yourself up, right? Because even if she attempts to cheer, It's up to you to accept that. And when we're going through whatever we're going through, it's hard to accept that cheer. And then what does that turn into? That turn into attitude and she get attitude and you got attitude that she get. And it kind of blows up. most of, we have to be our own cheerleaders, man. We have to be there and we can't depend on, now it's nice when it happens, but we can't really depend on that. Correct. Tim: Yeah. Yeah. To kind of comment on both, right? How I look at it, you know, me, I have a certain type personality where I don't care how many times I get knocked down. Like nothing, nothing deters me. ⁓ And I've been, you know, I've had a lot of ups and downs. And I would say that to your point, I don't need a cheerleader. Because I'm just going to do what needs to be done. I'm always going to play the cards I'm dealt and I'm going to succeed no matter what. That's my mindset. However, the latest venture that I took on, I had to train for that for about three months. ⁓ my office, my wife's desk is right behind me. And as I'm training and I'm doing this kind of on the side. you know, to try to make our situation a little bit better. And, you know, I was going through this training for three months and she's seeing me answer these questions. She's seeing me study. She's doing this, seeing me do all these things. And probably about two months, two and a half months in, you know, she said, man, I see you working hard and it's pretty cool. And that's, that's awesome to see your follow through on this. And, you know, I was shocked. To your point, like, I'm not expecting that. I was shocked, but it felt really damn good. You know? So, so yeah. So it's, it's definitely, I agree with both points. I don't think that, you know, sometimes we do have to, we have to be strongly self-motivated, but we have to welcome and receive that and take that in because. Don Talk: Mm-hmm, absolutely. Yeah, that's what's up. Tim: To me, that's that acknowledgement and that's that support and that's that I'm behind you and I believe in you type situation. And we don't get that a lot, unfortunately. So. Don Talk: Right. Yeah, I think that's the key word. think most men constantly gonna push themselves until they can't push no more. But when you allow someone to come into your space, you would like them to be more... Tim: if you want. Thank you. Don Talk: a cheerleader then criticize, you know. ⁓ that's, ⁓ so here's the thing, like, you got some women that are natural helpers, but their idea of helping is telling you exactly what you did wrong and try this a little better and then, so like, that's great, but then if you constantly... If you're at work being told you're not right, you're at home being told you're not right, like that's a tough environment to be whole in. ⁓ So even though both intentions are good, Work is trying to get the best out of you. Home is trying to get the best out of you, but like damn, can I do anything right in this mug? And I think, you know, that's just, hard, I'll say for me, that was tough for me to deal with. I'll put it Tim: No, agree. ⁓ Don Talk: Yeah. All right, Doron, any more questions on moving for love? Is that it? Is that all we got? That's the final. Thank If I had to do it all over again, I would do it three more times, man, because I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with my wife. You know what I'm saying? And like I said, I'm going on 16 or 17, one of them things. Years in the game. You know what I'm saying? Tim: Thank you. Don Talk: But like, you just have to make sure that, like I said, it's a team effort and it's not going to be perfect. And if you can get that 80%, right, if you can get that 80%, man, trust me, you are, you are Good. You are good. if you think about it, you think you've given a hundred to her, you're not. You got something over here, you got something over here, man. We are splitting up and we always have to remember that we are sharing this person. doesn't, it's not all us, us, us, us. It's her family, it's her friends, it's her job, it's her kid, it's her this, it's her that, and it's us. So it's a life that we are sharing. We have to really understand that in order to be successful in our marriage and really understand how to stay, how to stay. That's a good one. How to stay. Tim: And my final point on moving for love, I think there's nothing wrong with it if you truly love each other and have vetted each other, not just dated, vetted. And you do your due diligence and the decision could be sound, right? My decision was sound. Your decision was sound. And so... Don Talk: Mm-hmm. Tim: You know, it can work out. So, and again, we're not the only two that's been successful at it. It's just there's a lot more to it. I think that sometimes, you know, ⁓ people may forget about or not think about. And like I said, the biggest thing for me was understanding the permanence of it. You know what mean? And some people, because, you know, when I came down here, I was like, I'm not going to be down here too long. eventually, I'm going get out of here. And here we are almost two decades later. And I'm OK with it. I'm OK. Don Talk: Mm-hmm. some good stuff. My final point was, yeah, don't regret it all. Move as long as, like I said, this is vetted. You've thought it through, weighed the plus and minuses. Go for it. The thing that I'll say, whether you move or stay, I think it's so important. I've been doing it wrong, and this could have been to the detriment of the relationship for me is I've poured more into the job than into myself and the relationship. Tim: That's an important point. Don Talk: So what you think is gonna, where am I watering the grass? So where's the grass gonna grow the most? I wasn't, so now I'm realizing I gotta pour more into me first and foremost and my personal life in order to be efficient and effective enough to be the best person I could be on the job. Tim: Yeah, it's funny not to cut you off, but it's funny you say that you were watering the glass for the job and the job in Boston was your dream job. So you where you ordered, you got. But how did that affect everything else? So I mean, that's strong point. That is a strong point. Don Talk: It affected personally, Yeah, it affected everything personally. So I think that's what you have to do, regardless of whether you move or stay. But if you do decide to move, make sure, if you're moving for love, make sure you're watering that love. Mm. you know, because that's what's going to give you the strength pouring into yourself, pouring into your partner is going to give you the strength to be the best you could be on the job, wherever job you have. So that's, that's what I have to say about that. So no, no, no regards of a moving, no regards of moving. Just make sure you water in the right field that you want to blossom. Tim: Yeah. Don Talk: Thank you. Tim: Glad I could join y'all. Yeah. Don Talk: With that said, hearts and minds is clear. Hey, we glad you could, know. Tim was one of the guys that I said I was just in Vegas with. you know, ⁓ so we had a good old time connecting, having a good time. So with that said, I'm gonna just end this recording and appreciate you all. Until next time, we'll see you. Hey, yeah man, that was cool. Tim: Yeah. Yeah. All right, later.