Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are a New Parent
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I want to talk about a career transition that almost no mentoring advice addresses, even though it's one of the most common and disruptive ones we go through. Luna: I think I know where you're going with this, but say it. Lucas: Becoming a new parent. Specifically, finding a mentor when you're returning from parental leave. Luna: Oh, that is such a blind spot. Every 'how to find a mentor' checklist assumes you have unlimited evening hours and a brain that hasn't been running on two-hour sleep cycles. Lucas: Exactly. And the data backs this up. A 2023 study from LeanIn.Org found that 43 percent of women in corporate America say they have no access to mentorship or sponsorship. But among women who've taken parental leave, that number jumps to 61 percent. Luna: So the people who arguably need the most career support during a vulnerable transition are the least likely to get it. Lucas: Right. And it's not just women—fathers face it, too. A 2024 report from the Society for Human Resource Management showed that men who take more than four weeks of paternity leave are 12 percent less likely to receive a promotion in the following two years. Part of that is the 'out of sight, out of mind' problem, and part is that they don't have a mentor advocating for them when they're not in the room. Luna: Let's ground this in a real example. You mentioned a senior product manager at a Fortune 500 company who found a mentor during her second maternity leave. Can you tell that story? Lucas: Sure. Her name is Priya—she's a friend of a former colleague. She's a senior product manager at a global consumer goods company. After her first child, she felt like she'd fallen off the radar. She came back to a reorg, a new boss who didn't know her work, and no one in her corner. So for her second leave, she decided to be proactive. Luna: What did she do differently? Lucas: About a month before she went on leave, she reached out to a woman in her company who was three years ahead of her career-wise and had two kids of her own. She didn't ask for mentoring formally. She said: 'I'm about to go on leave, and I'm worried about coming back to a situation where no one remembers what I contributed. Can I buy you coffee once a quarter while I'm out, just to stay connected to what's happening?' Luna: That's smart framing. She made it low-effort for the mentor and high-value for herself. Lucas: Exactly. The mentor said yes. They had three virtual coffee chats during her leave—each one about 25 minutes, with an agenda Priya sent in advance. And when she came back, that mentor was the one who told her about a new product initiative that ended up being her next big career move. Luna: So the key wasn't even the mentor teaching her anything. It was staying visible. Lucas: That's the big insight for new parents. Traditional mentoring is about gaining wisdom. But when you're returning from leave, the most urgent need is maintaining sponsorship—someone who will vouch for you when you're not in the room. Luna: And that's harder because you literally cannot be in the room. You're at home with a newborn. Lucas: So the strategy has to adapt. Let me offer three concrete approaches that I've seen work. First, the 'pre-leave pipeline.' Before you go on leave, identify two or three people in your organization who have influence and who you've worked with directly. Have a brief conversation with each one—in person or on video—where you say: 'I'm going on leave for X weeks. I'd love your perspective on what I should be thinking about for my return. Could we schedule one check-in while I'm out?' Luna: That does two things. It primes them to think about you, and it gives you a reason to reconnect. Lucas: Right. Second approach: the 'asynchronous mentor.' Not all mentorship has to be live. Find someone you respect who shares their thinking publicly—on LinkedIn, on a blog, in a newsletter. Engage with their content thoughtfully. After a few interactions, send a direct message saying: 'I've been following your work on X. I'm on parental leave and trying to stay sharp. Would you be open to me sending you one question a month? No obligation to respond, but I'd value your take.' Luna: That's low stakes for them, high value for you. And it respects the fact that your schedule is erratic. Lucas: Third approach: the 'peer cohort.' You're not the only new parent in your company or industry. Connect with three or four other new parents at similar career stages—even from different companies—and form a virtual support group that meets monthly. You don't need a senior mentor in the room. You need peers who will hold you accountable and share opportunities. Luna: I love that. It's like a mentorship mutual fund—diversified risk, shared returns. Lucas: That's a great analogy. And it solves the 'I don't have time' problem, because everyone in the group has the same constraint. Luna: But let's talk about the identity shift. When you become a parent, your professional identity can feel fragile. You might worry that people see you as less committed. Lucas: That's real. And the data is sobering. A 2022 study published in the Harvard Business Review found that mothers are perceived as 12 percent less competent than non-mothers, while fathers are perceived as more committed—but only if they take very short leaves. So the bias cuts both ways, and it's pernicious. Luna: So how do you find a mentor who doesn't carry those biases? Lucas: You look for someone who has either been through it themselves or who has a track record of sponsoring people with non-linear career paths. And you can screen for that. When you're evaluating a potential mentor, ask about their own career breaks or ask them: 'How do you think about supporting team members who have caregiving responsibilities?' Their answer will tell you everything. Luna: What if you're a new father and you feel like the expectation is that you shouldn't need a mentor because 'you'll be fine'? Lucas: That's a real pressure. But the smartest move is to ignore that expectation. Fathers who take longer leaves and stay connected through mentorship actually have better long-term career outcomes. A study from Boston College's Center for Work and Family found that men who took at least four weeks of leave and maintained regular contact with a mentor had 18 percent higher job satisfaction and 14 percent higher promotion rates over five years. Luna: So the data is clear: mentorship during parental leave isn't a luxury—it's a career strategy. Lucas: Exactly. And I'd go further. I think companies should formalize this. A 'parental leave buddy' program—not a mentor, but someone who checks in monthly while you're out—could dramatically reduce the drop-off in sponsorship that happens when someone goes on leave. Luna: Has any company done that well? Lucas: A few. Patagonia has a well-known program where employees on leave are assigned a 'leave liaison' who is not their manager and who simply keeps them in the loop. And EY has a 'career navigator' program for returning parents. But most companies don't. So it falls on the individual, which is unfair, but also actionable. Luna: And speaking of actionable, if we've helped you think through your own career moves—whether you're a new parent or just navigating a transition—there's a small but meaningful way to keep this show going. A handful of listeners chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that literally funds making these episodes ad-free. Lucas: Yeah, it's a simple thing. No tiers, no perks, just knowing you're supporting something you find useful. And it allows us to keep drilling into specific angles like this one, that mainstream career advice tends to overlook. Luna: So if that resonates, you know where to find it. And now, back to the practical playbook. Lucas: Let's talk about what to actually do in that first mentoring conversation after you return from leave. You've been out for weeks or months. Your brain is different. Your priorities have shifted. You might feel like you're starting over. Luna: How do you structure that first meeting so it's productive? Lucas: Three agenda items. First: 'Here's what I did before leave that I want to build on.' Re-anchor your value. Second: 'Here's what I've been thinking about while I was out—trends, ideas, questions.' Show that you stayed engaged. Third: 'Here's what I need help navigating in the next 90 days.' That could be a specific project, a relationship with a stakeholder, or a skill you want to develop. Luna: And what if the mentor says something like 'Wow, you seem really tired' or 'Are you sure you can handle this?' Lucas: You have to be prepared for that. And your response should be calm and direct: 'I'm adjusting to a new routine, but I'm fully committed to this role. I'd appreciate your guidance on how to be most effective.' You don't get defensive. You redirect to the work. Luna: That's the sponsorship move. You prove you can handle the job by handling the bias gracefully. Lucas: Right. And if the bias is too strong, that's a signal that this isn't the right mentor for you. You want someone who sees your potential, not just your circumstances. Luna: One last thing: any advice for the partner who's not the one on leave? They might also need a mentor to navigate this transition. Lucas: Absolutely. The supporting partner often takes on more at home, which can affect their career, too. The same principles apply: pre-leave connection, asynchronous check-ins, peer cohorts. And a specific tactic: if your partner is on leave, you can represent both of you in professional settings. Mention their work, keep them visible. That's a form of sponsorship. Luna: So in a way, becoming a parent forces you to be more intentional about mentorship. You can't rely on hallway conversations or happy hours anymore. Lucas: Exactly. And that intentionality often makes you a better mentee—and eventually a better mentor. I've seen so many new parents come back with clearer priorities, better boundaries, and a deeper appreciation for the people who helped them stay connected. Luna: It's a career transition that doesn't get the attention it deserves. But hopefully this episode gives people a starting point. Lucas: If you're heading into leave or coming back from one, pick one of these three approaches and try it. The worst that happens is someone says no. But more often than not, people want to help.