Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / This Marriage Didn't F**k Itself Up: Radical Personal Responsibility After Divorce

Transcript

This Marriage Didn't F**k Itself Up: Radical Personal Responsibility After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: This marriage didn't fuck itself up, taking radical personal responsibility after divorce.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now, last week on the podcast, we talked through writing a letter to an ex, and I shared a fairly brutal example, a fictionalized version of a letter one of my clients wrote to her ex.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Did she send it?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: We don't know.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: But this week we are pivoting and switching the focus back onto ourselves.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening to this, I'm going to take a punt that chances are something in your life has cracked open or is about to crack open.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Relationship ending, a marriage unraveling, and maybe if it's already happened, it didn't explode dramatically, it was just quietly unraveling, collapsing under the weight of all the things, right?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And before we go any further, this I want to be really clear about this.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is not about blaming yourself.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about minimizing harm.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about pretending that your ex didn't play their part.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is actually about something far more uncomfortable, but also far more powerful.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your marriage, your relationship didn't fuck itself up all by itself, and that doesn't make you bad or wrong or a failure.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: It makes you human.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: But today what we're talking about is radical personal responsibility.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Not as punishment, judgment, not steam steeped in shame or blame or guilt or anger, but radical personal responsibility as liberation, not as shame, but as choice.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Not as it was all my fault, I'm hopeless, I'm doomed, but as I'm done repeating this pattern.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So now that you're no longer perhaps burning everything down with blame, shame, judgment, what is actually yours to take responsibility for?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes the bridge from I didn't deserve this, I didn't want this, I didn't choose this, to I don't want to repeat this.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm choosing and creating something different for myself in my future.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a phase where that many people go through after separation, divorce, where blame actually almost feels necessary.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: It has to be someone's fault, yours, theirs.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: There has to be a victim and a villain, but that's not always the real story, right?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Blame helps us make sense of the story, of the anger, of the pain, the betrayal.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Blame gives your nervous system something solid to hang on to when everything else feels uncertain.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Blame gives us certainty, and as life and as humans, that's what we like, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: We like certainty.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, for a while, that can be okay.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: But sitting in that space, sitting in blame actually has an expiry date.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you stay there too long, it does start to cost you.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: It costs your peace, your agency, your future, your future relationships, and your relationship with yourself.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: So at some point, quietly, gently, different questions might begin to surface and they become more useful, right?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: They become more future focused.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: What was my part in this?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: How much of this is mine to own?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And again, not in a self-punishing, self-flagellating way, but in a grounded, grown-up adult, forward-looking, future-focused way, in a self-loving way, as a way to move through and forward and into something different.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's a truth that no one really prepares you for.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think you can really know this until you live it.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can be deeply hurt and still have work to do.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: So you can be that victim in the story if that's what's happened to you, and also still have work to do, even if your partner had an affair and walked away, even if you were blindsided and never saw this coming, even if you were the one who chose to end the relationship, or you were the one who had the affair, even if you know, you know, in your gut, in your bones, that the ending was right for you, and that leaving was exactly the right thing to do, it can still hurt deeply.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: It can still feel confusing, and it can be a story that doesn't always make logical sense.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so all of that pain, all of that story, doesn't mean that you're exempt from doing the work.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because grief and story and judgment and all of that doesn't actually care about who was right, and you getting to be right isn't actually helpful in moving you forward, it's not a reward.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can be really certain about your decision if you chose this and still grieve and mourn what you've lost.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can be quietly secretly relieved and also heartbroken.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel an exhale, you can feel a bit of freedom, and also feel like something inside you has been ripped apart.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: So none of those truths cancel each other out, and none of them mean that you're doing it wrong, but they do mean that you still have work to do.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: So taking responsibility does not mean you are at fault.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let's also at this point get something straight because this is where people get stuck and hung up on taking personal responsibility.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility is not the same thing as being at fault.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Taking responsibility doesn't mean you deserved what happened if there was betrayal, right?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: The ending, the breakdown was all your fault.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that betrayal was justified, pain was justified.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that the imbalance in who did who said what was okay.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: It means something bigger than that and far more empowering.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility, taking personal responsibility means I'm willing to look at what was mine.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm willing to look at what was my on my side of the street.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Not to punish myself, but to actually free myself.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't, you don't just end the relationship, leave the relationship.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You tend to carry it forward into the next chapter of your life, into the next version of relationship.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Same dynamics, same story, different people, right?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So what does your part or your side of the street actually mean in this context?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: It might look like avoiding conflict to keep the peace.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: It might have looked like staying silent when something felt not quite right for you.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It might have been overfunctioning so that the other person didn't actually have to show up, or underfunctioning and letting that quiet resentment build on the other side.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: It might mean wishing and hoping they would change instead of being honest about what you needed, what you wanted.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: It might have been abandoning yourself quietly, little bit by little bit.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It might have been not healing after rupture, not being able to own your part in a conflict, and not being able to apologize and repair after rupture.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever the pattern was for you, that is what I'm talking about when I say own what's yours, what was on your side of the street.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this doesn't mean that you look at it and go, Oh, I'm bad at relationships, I'm failing, I'm lacking.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: We do these things, we adopt these patterns in relationship because at the time we perhaps don't know any better, but also it feels safe.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: It felt like you were preserving the connection, preserving the relationship.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: But most of us aren't taught how to stay present in discomfort.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: We were taught to manage, to cope, to survive, and those strategies work until they don't, right?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So what's your side of the street?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: What was your pattern, your behaviour?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's yours to own?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because something that I say, I don't know that I say it often, I think it often, but I'm gonna say it and I want you to hear it with kindness and compassion and not from a place of judgment.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: You may not have caused the ending of the relationship, but you absolutely participated in the dynamic.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that doesn't make you bad or wrong, it just makes you a contributor to that dynamic.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the good thing is, as a contributor, you get to change things.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about healing your own stuff, healing your own shit, and without the spiritual bypassing that sometimes comes in this space, divorce especially, and in the coaching world.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna ask you to pretend your pain isn't real or dressing it up in you know higher consciousness, or not gonna say that healing is about everything happens for a reason and just trust and just let it go and trust the universe, right?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Which of course you can absolutely do, but that's not taking radical radical personal responsibility, it's actually outsourcing your responsibility, right?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Healing is about facing the hard, uncomfortable emotional work and doing it and not sidestepping it with everything happens for a reason, right?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Healing isn't reading another self-help book, it isn't learning your attachment style and just stopping there, it isn't analysing your ex until you feel the word that comes up, you know, over-analyzing the relationship and your ex so that you can feel good about yourself.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Healing isn't understanding everything intellectually, healing is embodied, right?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like learning how to regulate your nervous system instead of reacting.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like understanding your attachment style and moving forward with strategies and learning and work to move towards a more secure attachment style.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: It means noticing when you quite go quiet, when you silence your voice instead of speaking.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: It means staying present and connected when things feel sticky, tricky, uncomfortable.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's choosing honesty and open communication over keeping the peace, harmony.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: It is learning how to not abandon yourself in order to stay connected to someone else, right?
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Healing is learning how to be with yourself without shutting down, without numbing, without fixing, without running away, whatever it is.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's you know, it's it's not super sexy work, right?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's slow, it's two steps forward, one step back, it's repetitive.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do it over and over again.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about cracking yourself open and being brutally honest with yourself, and also it's really worth the effort.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it matters, it really matters for your future.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't take responsibility kindly, compassionately, if you don't take that radical person, personal responsibility, a few things tend to happen.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: You tend to sit in your righteousness, you stay right, I'm right, they're wrong, you're right, but that doesn't afford you freedom, right?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you keep attracting familiar what's familiar, whether that's familiar pain or familiar chaos or whatever it is, you attract the same.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you have a tendency to mistake intensity for intimacy, right?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Mostly you just repeat patterns and and then call it whatever you want to call it, bad luck, whatever.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: But when you do take responsibility, you stop outsourcing, you stop outsourcing your safety, you stop outsourcing your joy, you stop outsourcing your agency, you come home to yourself, you stop giving away your power, you stop waiting for someone else to choose you, and you become emotionally sovereign, right?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Your next relationship doesn't have to heal you, doesn't have to heal your wounds because you already have built a relationship with yourself that you deeply inherently trust.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this and something is stirring, something is stirring in you, ask yourself gently, maybe some questions like, where did I silence or abandon myself?
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: What did I tolerate in that relationship that I will not tolerate again?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: What conversations or truths did I avoid?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And why?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: The why there is really important, the why for all of those questions, right?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then again, switch it to a bit more future focused.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Who are who am I becoming now that I won't settle, now that I won't silence myself, whatever all that is, right?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I becoming?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't need all the answers right away, okay?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: This, as I said, this work is two steps forward, one step back, three steps forward, one sideways, and it is on repeat.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like you have to do it over and over and over again.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you unlearn patterns and you create new neural pathways with healthier strategies, healthier boundaries, healthier ways of being in relationship.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you just need to be brutally honest with yourself and take responsibility for what was yours in that relationship dynamic and how you're going to shift, change, heal it, do differently.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: To make a start with whatever is yours to hold, what is yours to hone, to own, sorry, and what is yours to take responsibility for.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the work I do with my one-to-one clients when they come, when they're ready, ready to shift out of that spiral, shame, blame, anger, pain, judgment, whatever, whatever their story is, and ready to stop just going through the motions of life on loop, right?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Ready to stop repeating patterns and start consciously choosing, choosing how they show up, choosing how they communicate, choosing how they connect, choosing how they relate, and choosing the kind of life that they're actually proud to inhabit and really excited to live, even in the boring everyday moments, right?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: A life that really feels like home.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: So taking personal responsibility isn't making you the bad dude, right?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's not because you're flawed or wounded, although we're all a little bit of that, right?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: We're all perfectly imperfect humans, but you take responsibility mostly because you're done with that version of you.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're done with that version of relationship, you're done with repeating patterns.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: You take responsibility because you want a life that feels whatever it is for you, right?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Calm, honest, aligned.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so if that's where you are, I see you, and I invite you to keep choosing awareness over avoidance.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Keep choosing awareness over avoidance.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Take radical personal responsibility and start consciously creating a new version of living and relating.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want my deeper support to do this, let's talk about reclaiming and liberating you in a one-to-one coaching container with me.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: As always, there is a link in the show notes to book a free intro call if you would like to explore that for yourself through this year.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've taken something away from today's episode.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who would be supported to hear it, please share it with them.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Until then