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10 Signs that Humor is Being Disguised as Verbal Abuse with a Narcissist and God's View! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_02: Have you ever laughed, along with a joke that left you feeling small, confused, maybe even a bit humiliated?
0:07
SPEAKER_02: And when you tried to say something, you heard, you're too sensitive, I was only joking.
0:14
SPEAKER_02: That phrase can make you doubt your own experience, but your heart already knows the truth.
0:19
SPEAKER_02: Today we're diving deep into a topic that hides in plain sight: verbal abuse disguised as humor.
0:25
SPEAKER_02: And trust me, um, it's not as rare as we'd like to think, you know?
0:30
SPEAKER_05: That's a powerful opening, and honestly, um, I think a lot of folks have felt that sting but never had the words to name it.
0:37
SPEAKER_05: It's like, you know, you're supposed to be having a good time, but something inside you just tightens up and you kind of force a laugh.
0:44
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
0:45
SPEAKER_02: And before we go any further, let me introduce myself.
0:48
SPEAKER_02: I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of the book The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
0:53
SPEAKER_02: I've spent years helping people recognize toxic patterns and find their voice again.
0:58
SPEAKER_02: And today I have a very special co-host joining me, someone I think you'll really enjoy.
1:03
SPEAKER_05: I'm really glad to be here, Shannon.
1:04
SPEAKER_05: This is a subject I care about deeply, and um, I think we can shed some light on it, especially from a spiritual angle, you know?
1:12
SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm thrilled to have him.
1:14
SPEAKER_02: Everyone, meet Caleb Hayes.
1:15
SPEAKER_02: Caleb is a sophomore in college, majoring in Bible studies, and he wants to be a pastor.
1:20
SPEAKER_02: He loves school, and he's here to offer some spiritual advice as we unpack this heavy but necessary topic.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: So please give him a warm welcome.
1:28
SPEAKER_05: Thanks, Shannon.
1:29
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, I'm excited to be on the podcast today.
1:32
SPEAKER_05: I've been studying scripture, and um, I think God's word has a lot to say about how we treat each other, even in the little things like joking around.
1:41
SPEAKER_03: Because words carry weight, right?
1:43
SPEAKER_02: That's so true.
1:44
SPEAKER_02: And just so you all know, we're trying out Caleb for a few episodes.
1:47
SPEAKER_02: So if you think he did a good job today, please leave a comment and let us know.
1:51
SPEAKER_02: We'd love to keep him around, because he brings a fresh perspective that I think is needed.
1:56
SPEAKER_04: I appreciate that, and I'll do my best.
1:58
SPEAKER_05: So, Shannon, where do we even start with something like this?
2:02
SPEAKER_05: Because humor is supposed to be fun, right?
2:05
SPEAKER_05: But sometimes it turns into something else, something kind of dark.
2:09
SPEAKER_02: It is.
2:10
SPEAKER_02: Healthy humor builds connection, gives us a safe place to laugh at life's awkward moments.
2:15
SPEAKER_02: But abusive humor?
2:16
SPEAKER_02: It uses laughter as a mask for contempt, criticism, humiliation, or control.
2:22
SPEAKER_02: The person might laugh after insulting you, others might join in, and then when you react, suddenly the focus shifts from what was said to how you responded, which is a classic deflection.
2:32
SPEAKER_05: Yeah, and you get accused of being overly emotional, insecure, dramatic, or not being able to take a joke.
2:38
SPEAKER_05: But adding laughter to cruelty doesn't make it kind.
2:41
SPEAKER_05: Proverbs chapter 12, verse 18 says, The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
2:48
SPEAKER_05: That really puts it into perspective.
2:50
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
2:51
SPEAKER_02: So the real test isn't just whether someone laughs.
2:54
SPEAKER_02: It's does it bring people closer?
2:55
SPEAKER_02: Does it preserve dignity?
2:57
SPEAKER_02: Can both people enjoy it?
2:58
SPEAKER_02: And does the person stop when asked?
3:01
SPEAKER_02: If the answer is no to any of those, then we might be dealing with something more than a joke, something that's actually harmful.
3:07
SPEAKER_05: That's a great framework, and you've outlined 10 signs that verbal abuse might be hiding behind humor.
3:13
SPEAKER_05: Let's walk through them, because I think a lot of people will recognize these patterns in their own relationships, maybe even with family or friends.
3:21
SPEAKER_02: Let's do it.
3:23
SPEAKER_02: Sign number one: the joke targets your deepest insecurities.
3:27
SPEAKER_02: The person knows you feel vulnerable about your appearance, intelligence, parenting, faith, past, career, or relationships.
3:36
SPEAKER_02: And they repeatedly joke about that exact subject, almost like they're pressing a button they know will hurt.
3:42
SPEAKER_05: Ouch.
3:43
SPEAKER_05: And they might say things like, I'm surprised you understood that, or, you're looking a little rough today, or even, it's a good thing I love you, because no one else could tolerate you.
3:54
SPEAKER_05: Then when you're hurt, they say they were just teasing, but it doesn't feel like teasing at all, does it?
4:00
SPEAKER_02: Loving humor doesn't deliberately press on an emotional bruise.
4:04
SPEAKER_02: A person who cares about you will protect your vulnerable places, not use them as material.
4:09
SPEAKER_02: Proverbs chapter 15, verse 4 says: The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.
4:17
SPEAKER_02: So there's a clear biblical contrast between healing and crushing words.
4:22
SPEAKER_05: That's so important.
4:24
SPEAKER_05: Sign 2: Everyone laughs except you.
4:26
SPEAKER_05: Playful teasing is usually mutual, both people feel included and respected.
4:31
SPEAKER_05: But abusive humor turns one person into the entertainment.
4:35
SPEAKER_05: You might force a smile to hide your embarrassment, laughing just to avoid a scene, because you don't want to be the one who ruins the fun, you know?
4:44
SPEAKER_01: And if the humor regularly requires your humiliation, you're not sharing a joke.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: You're being used as the target.
4:53
SPEAKER_01: Sign 3.
4:54
SPEAKER_01: They insult you and then criticize your reaction.
4:58
SPEAKER_01: When you express hurt, they attack your character instead of considering the impact of their words, which is a form of gaslighting, really.
5:07
SPEAKER_05: They'll say, you have no sense of humor, you always ruin everything, you're too sensitive, I have to walk on eggshells around you, you make a big deal out of nothing.
5:18
SPEAKER_05: That shifts the responsibility away from their hurtful behavior and on to you, making you the problem instead of the joke itself.
5:26
SPEAKER_02: And then the conversation stops being about what they said and becomes an argument about whether you have the right to feel hurt.
5:33
SPEAKER_02: But your feelings aren't weakness, they're information.
5:36
SPEAKER_02: Sign 4.
5:37
SPEAKER_02: The humor contains a real accusation, which is sneaky because it hides truth in a joke.
5:42
SPEAKER_05: Right.
5:43
SPEAKER_05: Some people use jokes to say what they truly believe while avoiding accountability.
5:47
SPEAKER_05: They might jokingly call you lazy, selfish, stupid, controlling, unattractive, unstable, or a bad Christian.
5:55
SPEAKER_05: If you object, they retreat behind humor.
5:58
SPEAKER_05: If you stay silent, the accusation stands, and they win either way.
6:03
SPEAKER_02: That gives them two advantages.
6:05
SPEAKER_02: They wound you and deny intent, Jesus said, for the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
6:11
SPEAKER_02: A joke may be light, but it can carry serious contempt.
6:14
SPEAKER_02: Sign 5.
6:15
SPEAKER_02: They embarrass you in front of other people, which can be especially painful in close communities like churches or families.
6:22
SPEAKER_05: They save their most cutting remarks for family gatherings, church activities, parties, or social media.
6:28
SPEAKER_05: They might share private info, retell an embarrassing story, imitate you, or make you the punchline.
6:33
SPEAKER_05: Public humiliation creates a power imbalance, and you're left feeling exposed and small.
6:39
SPEAKER_02: You either stay silent or confront them in front of everyone, and either response gets used against you.
6:45
SPEAKER_02: Someone who respects you won't repeatedly sacrifice your dignity for attention.
6:51
SPEAKER_02: They continue after you ask them to stop, which is a clear boundary violation that should never be dismissed.
6:57
SPEAKER_05: A healthy person might accidentally hurt you with a joke, but they'll apologize and change.
7:02
SPEAKER_05: An unhealthy response is, I can say whatever I want.
7:06
SPEAKER_05: A boundary doesn't require them to understand your pain perfectly, only to respect it.
7:11
SPEAKER_05: Luke 6, verse 31 says, Do to others as you would have them do to you.
7:17
SPEAKER_05: That's the golden rule, and it applies to jokes too.
7:21
SPEAKER_02: When someone continues after you've clearly asked them to stop, it's no longer an innocent misunderstanding.
7:26
SPEAKER_02: Sign 7.
7:27
SPEAKER_02: They disguise threats as jokes.
7:29
SPEAKER_02: Things like, if you ever leave me, you'll regret it, or one of these days I might just disappear with the kids.
7:36
SPEAKER_02: Those are not funny, not at all.
7:39
SPEAKER_04: Or keep spending like that and I'll cut you off.
7:42
SPEAKER_04: Or you're lucky I don't tell everyone what you're really like.
7:46
SPEAKER_04: Then they smile and say, relax, I'm kidding.
7:50
SPEAKER_04: But a statement that creates fear, communicates punishment, or warns you about consequences shouldn't be dismissed just because it came with a laugh.
7:59
SPEAKER_04: That's serious.
8:00
SPEAKER_02: If a joke makes you fear for your safety, finances, children, reputation, or freedom, take that seriously and seek qualified support.
8:09
SPEAKER_02: Sign 8.
8:10
SPEAKER_02: The joking only goes in one direction.
8:12
SPEAKER_02: They expect you to tolerate constant teasing, but they get angry if anyone jokes about them, which is a huge red flag of a power imbalance.
8:20
SPEAKER_05: They might sulk, retaliate, or withdraw affection, accusing you of disrespect.
8:26
SPEAKER_05: That double standard shows the goal isn't shared laughter, it's power.
8:30
SPEAKER_05: Healthy relationships allow both people to have dignity and express discomfort, and that's what we should aim for.
8:35
SPEAKER_02: Sign 9.
8:37
SPEAKER_02: They use humor to undermine your faith.
8:39
SPEAKER_02: They might mock your prayers, ridicule your relationship with God, criticize your church involvement, or use religious language sarcastically, like saying, I guess God told you that, or look who suddenly became so holy.
8:52
SPEAKER_02: That can be deeply wounding for a believer.
8:55
SPEAKER_05: Even a good Christian wouldn't be upset about a joke, or maybe you need to pray about your attitude.
9:01
SPEAKER_05: That's not spiritual guidance, it's ridicule or manipulation dressed in religious language.
9:07
SPEAKER_05: And God doesn't require you to accept degrading treatment to prove you're forgiving or humble.
9:11
SPEAKER_05: That's a lie the enemy wants you to believe.
9:14
SPEAKER_02: Biblical love does not dishonor others and is not delighted by wrongdoing, as 1 Corinthians says.
9:37
SPEAKER_05: Avoid certain subjects because they might become material later.
9:43
SPEAKER_05: And feel relief when the person leaves the room.
9:48
SPEAKER_05: Living in constant anticipation of humiliation isn't harmless fun.
9:54
SPEAKER_05: It's hyper-vigilance, a protective response when emotional safety is unpredictable.
10:01
SPEAKER_05: Your nervous system knows something is wrong.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: And God created your nervous system to alert you to danger.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Healing doesn't start by shaming yourself for noticing harm.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: It starts by listening honestly to what your mind, body, and spirit have been trying to tell you.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: Now, let's talk about how Christians can begin to overcome verbal abuse, because there is hope and a way forward.
10:25
SPEAKER_03: First, name the behavior truthfully.
10:28
SPEAKER_03: Christians are sometimes encouraged to soften harmful behavior by calling it teasing or just a personality difference.
10:35
SPEAKER_03: But grace doesn't require denial.
10:37
SPEAKER_03: Jesus combined compassion with truth.
10:40
SPEAKER_03: You can refuse hatred and still acknowledge harmful words because truth sets us free.
10:45
SPEAKER_02: Naming verbal abuse isn't revenge, it's clarity.
10:49
SPEAKER_02: Consider writing down what was said, when it happened, who was present, and how they responded when you objected.
10:56
SPEAKER_02: That helps you see patterns, especially if you've been taught to doubt your perceptions by the very person who is hurting you.
11:04
SPEAKER_05: Then set a simple, specific boundary.
11:07
SPEAKER_05: A boundary explains what you'll do if the behavior continues not to control them.
11:13
SPEAKER_05: You might say, I will not stay in conversations where I am being insulted, or, do not joke about my body.
11:20
SPEAKER_05: If it happens again, I will leave.
11:22
SPEAKER_05: That's clear and actionable, and it honors yourself.
11:25
SPEAKER_02: Or, my private experiences are not stories for you to share publicly.
11:30
SPEAKER_02: If you call me names, I will end the call.
11:33
SPEAKER_02: I am willing to talk when we can speak respectfully.
11:36
SPEAKER_02: Then follow through calmly and consistently.
11:39
SPEAKER_02: You don't need to win an argument or persuade them your boundary is reasonable.
11:43
SPEAKER_02: You just enforce it.
11:44
SPEAKER_05: Matthew 5, verse 37 says, Let your yes be yes, and your no, no.
11:51
SPEAKER_05: Next, stop defending your right to be hurt.
11:54
SPEAKER_05: You don't need someone else's permission to recognize that their words harmed you.
11:59
SPEAKER_05: A long explanation can give them more material to debate or distort, so keep it short and firm.
12:05
SPEAKER_02: A brief response works better.
12:07
SPEAKER_02: That was hurtful, and I am not going to argue about whether I should feel hurt.
12:12
SPEAKER_02: Their refusal to understand doesn't invalidate your experience.
12:16
SPEAKER_02: Then separate forgiveness from continued access.
12:19
SPEAKER_02: Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, and that distinction is crucial.
12:23
SPEAKER_05: Forgiveness isn't pretending the behavior was okay and it doesn't automatically restore trust or cancel consequences.
12:30
SPEAKER_05: Reconciliation requires truth, repentance, changed behavior, and rebuilt trust.
12:36
SPEAKER_05: Even Jesus didn't give everyone the same level of access.
12:39
SPEAKER_05: John 2, verse 24 says he would not entrust himself to them because he knew what was in people's hearts.
12:47
SPEAKER_02: You can release revenge to God while still maintaining distance from someone who continues to harm you.
12:52
SPEAKER_02: Next, replace cruel words with God's truth.
12:56
SPEAKER_02: Repeated ridicule can become an internal voice long after the person stops speaking, and that's when you need to actively counter those lies with Scripture.
13:04
SPEAKER_05: You might catch yourself thinking, I am stupid, but God's word says he gives wisdom generously when we ask.
13:21
SPEAKER_05: No one else will love me, becomes, nothing can separate me from the love of God.
13:27
SPEAKER_05: Those truths rebuild your identity from the inside out.
13:31
SPEAKER_02: Scripture shouldn't be used to silence your pain, but to rebuild an identity that cruelty tried to dismantle.
13:37
SPEAKER_02: Then seek wise and safe support.
13:40
SPEAKER_02: Isolation makes verbal abuse more powerful.
13:43
SPEAKER_02: Talk to a trusted friend, a qualified therapist, a pastor, or a support group that understands emotional abuse.
13:50
SPEAKER_02: You don't have to walk this alone.
13:53
SPEAKER_05: Choose someone who won't pressure you to reconcile prematurely or tell you to endure mistreatment just because you're a Christian.
14:00
SPEAKER_05: Wise spiritual counsel helps you pursue truth, safety, accountability, and peace, not disappear inside someone else's dysfunction.
14:09
SPEAKER_05: A good counselor will point you to Jesus, not to more abuse.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: And if the abuse includes threats, stalking, coercive control, physical intimidation, or violence, contact a qualified domestic violence service or emergency professional.
14:22
SPEAKER_02: Couples' counseling may not be appropriate when one person is frightened or being controlled.
14:27
SPEAKER_02: Safety first, always, your life matters to God.
14:31
SPEAKER_05: Finally, remember that peacekeeping is not the same as peacemaking.
14:35
SPEAKER_05: Peacekeeping asks you to stay silent so everyone else stays comfortable.
14:39
SPEAKER_05: Peacemaking brings truth into the light, protects what is good, and refuses to cooperate with harm.
14:44
SPEAKER_05: God calls us to be peacemakers, not doormats.
14:48
SPEAKER_02: Romans chapter 12, verse 18 says, if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
14:55
SPEAKER_02: Notice that phrase, if it is possible, peace requires more than one person's effort.
15:01
SPEAKER_02: You can control your integrity, but you cannot force someone else to become honest, respectful, or safe.
15:07
SPEAKER_02: So give yourself grace in that process.
15:10
SPEAKER_05: And there's a beautiful prayer in the article that says, Lord, help me recognize the difference between loving humor and words meant to humiliate or control me.
15:17
SPEAKER_05: Give me courage to tell the truth about what I have experienced without becoming consumed by bitterness.
15:23
SPEAKER_05: That prayer speaks to the heart of healing from this kind of abuse.
15:27
SPEAKER_02: Yes, and it goes on.
15:28
SPEAKER_02: Teach me to set boundaries with wisdom and follow through with peace.
15:32
SPEAKER_02: Replace every cruel message I have internalized with your truth.
15:36
SPEAKER_02: Surround me with people who speak with honesty, kindness, and grace.
15:40
SPEAKER_02: That's a prayer for community and restoration, not isolation and shame.
15:45
SPEAKER_05: Remind me that forgiveness does not require me to remain available for repeated harm.
15:51
SPEAKER_05: Help me release revenge while still protecting the life, dignity, and voice you have given me.
15:56
SPEAKER_05: Restore the parts of me that learned to laugh while I was hurting.
16:00
SPEAKER_05: Lead me toward relationships where joy is safe.
16:04
SPEAKER_05: That last line gets me every time, because God wants our joy to be safe.
16:08
SPEAKER_02: That's so powerful.
16:10
SPEAKER_02: The final thought from the article is worth repeating.
16:13
SPEAKER_02: Humor should never require you to surrender your dignity.
16:16
SPEAKER_02: A loving person may make a mistake, but they will care when their words hurt you.
16:20
SPEAKER_02: They will apologize, learn, and change.
16:23
SPEAKER_02: That's the mark of someone who truly loves you.
16:25
SPEAKER_05: But a person who repeatedly humiliates you and then blames you for reacting is not merely bad at joking.
16:32
SPEAKER_05: They may be using humor to avoid accountability for verbal abuse.
16:36
SPEAKER_05: You are allowed to stop laughing.
16:38
SPEAKER_05: You are allowed to speak the truth.
16:41
SPEAKER_05: And you are allowed to protect the heart God entrusted to you.
16:44
SPEAKER_05: That's your right and your responsibility.
16:47
SPEAKER_02: Wow, Caleb, thank you so much for bringing that spiritual perspective.
16:51
SPEAKER_02: This has been a heavy but necessary conversation.
16:54
SPEAKER_02: And I hope it helps someone out there recognize these patterns and take steps toward healing.
16:59
SPEAKER_02: For me, the key takeaway is that you're allowed to stop laughing when humor hurts.
17:04
SPEAKER_02: You deserve to be treated with dignity, not as a punchline.
17:07
SPEAKER_05: Thank you, Shannon.
17:09
SPEAKER_05: And before we go, I want to ask everyone listening: if you found this helpful, please subscribe to our YouTube channel to help us build our audience.
17:16
SPEAKER_05: And if you like this video, give us a thumbs up.
17:19
SPEAKER_05: Also, visit ShannonAlder.com and subscribe there to get 20% off our new book coming out in July 2027.
17:26
SPEAKER_05: It's going to be amazing, and I really think it will help a lot of people find freedom from these toxic patterns.