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Transcript

Living Without Fear - Expectations Are the Source of Our Pain | With Esther Buerki · LIVING WITHOUT FEAR

• 0:08
  Welcome, beautiful soul. I'm so glad you're here today.
• 0:13
  Take a breath with me. Let your shoulders drop.
• 0:18
  This is a safe space for truth, for healing, for coming home to
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  yourself. Today I want to talk about
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  something that quietly causes so much pain in our lives,
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  something most of us don't even realize is the source of our
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  suffering. Expectations.
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  Not the loud kind, the silent ones, the unspoken ones.
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  The ones we carry in our hearts and place on others without even
• 0:58
  noticing. And then one day, something
• 1:02
  happens. Someone disappoints us.
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  Someone behaves in a way we didn't expect.
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  Someone disappears. Someone treats us unfairly.
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  Someone doesn't show up the way we hoped they would, and
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  suddenly we are hurt deeply. Maybe you know this feeling,
• 1:32
  that tightness in your chest when you think of that person,
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  That wave of anger, sadness or helplessness that comes back
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  every time the story replays in your mind.
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  That question that whispers inside.
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  Why are they like this? Why couldn't they just be
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  different? I know this place very well.
• 2:07
  There were moments in my life where I felt wounded again and
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  again, not because the situation kept happening, but because I
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  kept reliving it. Every thought brought the pain
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  back, every memory triggered the same emotions.
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  And I told myself, let them, just let them.
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  But my body didn't listen. My heart didn't feel peace.
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  And maybe that's where you are too.
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  What changed everything for me was a simple but very
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  uncomfortable realization. Every time I felt hurt, I was
• 3:02
  still expecting the other person to be different, to act
• 3:08
  differently, to speak differently, to care
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  differently, to be someone they simply were not.
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  And as long as I held on to that expectation, I was reopening the
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  wound myself. This was hard to accept because
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  it meant something very important.
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  I was not a victim of their behaviour anymore.
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  I was the one keeping the pain alive.
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  Not consciously, not intentionally, but lovingly
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  through hope. Hope that they would change.
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  Hope that they would finally understand.
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  Hope that one day they would show up as the version I needed.
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  But hope, when attached to expectations, can become
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  suffering. My coach helped me see this with
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  so much clarity and compassion, he said something that landed
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  deeply in me. As long as you expect them to be
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  different, you will suffer again and again.
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  Not because they change, but because they don't.
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  And then you ask a question I want to ask you now.
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  Does this expectation help you? Does it bring you peace?
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  Does it protect your heart? Does it heal you?
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  Or does it hurt you every single time?
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  When I answered honestly, I knew the truth.
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  So I learned to gently interrupt the story whenever the pain came
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  back. I told myself, you are expecting
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  them to be different. Is this helping you?
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  No. Do you want to keep hurting?
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  No. And then something radical
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  happened. I stopped wanting them to
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  change. Not because what they did was
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  OK, not because it didn't matter, but because my piece
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  mattered more. Acceptance doesn't mean
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  approval. Acceptance means clarity.
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  It means saying this is who they are right now, this is how they
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  act, this is what they are capable of.
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  And when I stopped fighting reality, reality stopped hurting
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  me. In one very personal situation,
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  I was able to feel gratitude instead of pain.
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  Gratitude that someone showed me early who they truly were.
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  Gratitude that I didn't invest more of my heart.
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  Gratitude for the protection hidden inside the
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  disappointment. And this shift from expectations
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  to acceptance didn't change them.
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  It changed me. When I look back at my life, I
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  see how deeply expectations have shaped suffering across
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  generations. Parents suffering because their
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  children weren't the way they imagined.
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  Children suffering because they were never seen for who they
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  truly were. I see it with my own parents.
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  I see it with my own children, and I see it now with so much
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  more tenderness. When I expected my sons to be
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  different, I couldn't see their beautiful qualities.
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  I focused on what was missing instead of what was present, and
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  that expectation created distance, pain, and frustration.
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  But when I let go of the need to change them, when I accepted
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  them as they are, as long as there was respect and safety,
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  peace returned. Not because they changed, but
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  because I did. So let me say this clearly, from
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  my heart to yours. The person who hurts you is not
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  the one creating your suffering. The story you tell yourself
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  about who they should be, that's where the pain lives.
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  And the most empowering truth of all, you can change the story.
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  You can change the meaning. You can choose acceptance over
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  expectation. You can release the fantasy and
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  embrace reality. And when you do, something
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  incredible happens. The pain loses its grip, the
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  trigger softens. The memory no longer controls
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  you. You don't become cold.
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  You become free. And with that freedom comes
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  power. Because you realize you are the
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  master of your inner world. You can choose peace again and
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  again by yourself. If you are suffering right now
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  because of someone in your life, I invite you to gently ask
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  yourself, what am I still expecting?
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  Who do I want them to be? And what happens if I allow them
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  to be exactly as they are? Not forever, not with no no
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  boundaries, but right now for your peace.
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  Acceptance doesn't weaken you, it heals you.
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  And healing changes everything. Thank you for being here.
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  Thank you for listening with an open heart.
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  If this episode touched something in you, let it sink in
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  slowly. You don't have to change
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  everything today. Just notice your expectations
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  and choose yourself. And if you feel that there is a
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  story you keep replaying A wound that still hurts and you don't
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  want to carry it alone anymore, I want you to know something.
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  Ioffer free one-on-one coaching sessions.
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  A safe space just for you, where you can speak freely without
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  being charged, without having to explain yourself.
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  Together we gently look at your story, your expectations, and
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  what keeps you stuck, and we find a way toward more peace,
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  clarity, and inner freedom. There is no pressure, no
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  obligation, just an open heart meeting another open heart.
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  If this feels right for you, you'll find the link in the show
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  notes. You don't have to do this alone
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  and you don't have to suffer anymore.
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  Talk to you soon. Until next Thursday and be
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  gentle with your heart. You deserve peace.