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232. The 7 Stages Of Marriage And How To Keep Intimacy Strong Through Each Of Them · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and we want to start out by first apologizing.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: We have to record this episode kind of in a different remote area and there's probably going to be a little bit of background noise in this episode, so we apologize about that.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: We can do about it, but hopefully it's not too annoying where you can still enjoy the podcast fully.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: So today's episode is Finding Intimacy Through the Seven Stages of Marriage.
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: What stage are we in?
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: That's what I was just going to ask.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: I think we'll go through it, Nick, please this podcast.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: I don't even know what we're talking about today.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: I'm just totally caught Amy off guard.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: She has no idea what we're doing.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: However, this is the article that she wrote several years ago.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: I didn't know, yeah, and I thought I read this article.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: I'm like that was a great article you wrote, babe, so you should remember some of it from the article.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: That's how great my mind is in my 40s.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: I know Amy and I are always.
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: I can't remember what I ate yesterday.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: I mean I was joking around that we'll put on a movie and the movie was made a year ago and we're like, uh-huh, I don't think I've seen that we're like a good movie and halfway through we're like, oh, I think we've seen this.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: I think, but we don't really remember it.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: So that's, I guess, for a lot of you that are younger.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: That's what you have looked forward to when you're 48.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: And in Amy's case, not quite 48.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: So, anyways, I think this should be a good podcast episode.
• 2:14
  Speaker 3: So I'm excited for you to remind me what I wrote about.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Well, all of you are probably obviously different ages and different stages of marriage, and one of the most common Well, the reason why we decided to do this podcast is one of the most common questions we get across the board is man.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: When we first got married, our intimacy was so strong and we were making love all the time, and then that completely changed.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: And regardless of whether it's a couple that's 70 years old, 40 years old, 30 years old I mean we hear this from all sorts of different age groups and different couples that things change in life, intimacy changes and what can they do?
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: And so it's happening to us.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: I think exactly, and so I think that's what we want to kind of focus on in this episode, talking about the different stages of marriage is how to keep the intimacy strong during these different stages, because you're going to have to approach things a different way.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: If you're in a different stage of marriage and you have different things coming at you different responsibilities, different trials or things you're going through you're obviously going to have to approach those things or approach your marriage in a different way than you had to when, let's say, you just barely got married Absolutely.
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: Oh yeah, for sure, because you have kids, or you have grandkids, or you don't have kids, or there's just so many things that create different situations.
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: For sure, right.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: So let's jump into stage one.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: Stage one is the excitement and the passionate stage.
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: There's nothing better than that stage, do you agree?
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: I agree yeah, like what?
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: I look at this as like we first got married, right, we don't really have our careers yet, we don't have kids, we don't have responsibilities.
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: Or maybe you have your career, but you are maybe established, or it's still fun and games, right?
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I know for Amy and I.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: I mean, we were making love every night.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: We were motorcycling, we were hot tubbing Like we were.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: We'd go to work, come home, had nothing else to worry about.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's awesome.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: Literally.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: So we just I mean, we were having the time of our lives and, yeah, you're still, in a way, dating each other.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: Obviously, you have no responsibilities, hardly You're going out, you're doing different things together.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: It's like a long, lasting honeymoon, I think, for a lot of couples.
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: I don't know, because some people, the stats show that their first year is the hardest.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: Oh, no way so.
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: I know we've already talked about this before, but, like I think, it depends on how long you dated before you got married, so we got married so fast after meeting that our first year was more like I felt like a dating stage.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: right, amy, just Amy couldn't keep her hands off of me, so we decided to bump it up.
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: No, that's not.
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: Well, actually that might be kind of true, you were yeah.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: I was what.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know what I was going to say, because you're still the same person.
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: So now I lost my trade of thought.
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: No, I just I don't know that's what I.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: I mean like, depending on how long you dated, like we were still like newly dating in our first year of marriage, so things didn't get super hard.
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: So you dated for a few years or for a year or whatever that looked like.
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: And then you get married.
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: You're kind of past that factuation stage.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: This is all fun, right.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: And then you get married and you're really living together and really getting into the harder things.
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: Where that first year of marriage for us was my.
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: I was still learning stuff about you.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: For sure, right For sure.
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: So, it was, it was just different.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: So I think depending on how long you dated, how long you'd been together before you got married, that makes a huge difference.
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: So stage one is still those first years of marriage, but I feel like they look different for everyone.
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: That's what I'm trying to say.
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: I feel like cause a lot like ours was our first year, was the easiest year we had in our whole marriage.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: Well, compared to now, and then it was all downhill.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: Just for a few years it was.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: It got rough, really rough, extremely rough.
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: Everyone's had their rough years, but a lot of people jump into marriage that dated a long time and that first year is really rough because that changed everything in their relationship.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: So for sure.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: Anyways, the point is so what are the tips for this first stage of how couples, can, you know, really stay connected?
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I mean, obviously, like we said, we were.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: I think we were doing everything right and having a great time, but what are some things you think couples can do to really keep the spark and the intimacy alive during this stage?
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: So we're talking like before kids kind of stage right yeah, before kids, and I think you hit on it.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: I mean you kind of said this is, this is when you're really talking and getting to still know each other.
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: I think you are still getting to know each other.
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: I think that takes years To really know someone, and not just like know someone or meet someone, but like get married and get to know them, because it everything changes when you, when you live with someone and you're committed to someone right.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm smiling, I'm trying to give you the answer.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: How do you?
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: give me that Right answer.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, there's a right answer.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: Oh no, I'm totally joking, I'm trying to, I'm trying to be a politician and basically tell her the answer and then ask her what.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: No, but I think I thought this is just this discussion.
• 7:54
  Speaker 3: I didn't know there's right and wrongs to this.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: No, there isn't.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: But during this stage, one of the key things you can do is just really continue to get to know each other, dive deep, ask a lot of questions, get, get some good conversation starters and just really establish that really good communication, because that communication is what you're going to need to keep strong throughout the other several stages of marriage.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: That is going to be like that, that that rock, that foundation as you get into the other tough stages of marriage.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: There's more than just communication, though.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, but I mean that's we're giving.
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: But this is the stage where I feel like, as much as communication is important, boundaries are important, like setting boundaries Like this is how we're gonna treat each other, this is how we're gonna fight, this is how we're gonna Deal with social media and all those kind of boundaries that we always talk about, like those first couple years, setting those kind of things up.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: Agree, make a massive difference in this stage agree, and that's one of the things we did.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: Like we said, we're never gonna, we're not gonna watch rated our movies, we're not gonna allow these things, and I think those boundaries have really helped us, you know, in other stages of our relationship for sure, and those will look different to everyone.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: Stage two with the reality check.
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: Did you know?
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: I read something yesterday I was doing research on, like what, what is like the average years to like make or break a relationship?
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and they say I Think it even came from the Gottman Institute, said something about and don't quote me, I think it was from them the to your mark in marriage is such a big make or break stage because that's when you've really gotten to know someone and You've either realized I can live with you and commit to you and be with you for life, or I can't.
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah because I feel like that's kind of what like I think it takes, and I agree with this.
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: I think a couple years for that newness to wear off.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: And I think, if I think I remember seeing the same thing and it said like, didn't say like year two to seven is kind of the Make or break right, like like that's where it gets tricky.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: If you can get past year seven, the chances of you Succeeding in your marriage are very high.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: If, if you can't get past your seven, well obviously, yeah, you got, your chances are not very high well they could be high, because I felt like it got harder after your seven for us, but maybe we're in a different situation exactly.
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: So we almost.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: If you know our story I'm not gonna reshare it here, you can go back and listen but our marriage hit rock bottom at year like 15, which is like double the sevens.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: We just doubled it.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: We're a little double it.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: We're a little slower, but I Like it's different for everybody.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah but yeah, you're two to seven, I think is when.
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, and I would think most husbands would agree with this, like that's usually when you start having children somewhere in that time period yeah if you're young and you're like I want a family right and all of a sudden, the wife's attention is solely on the kids, and that's when intimacy starts to break down, because the husband's like wait, the first couple years were great, and then we had kids, and then your focus and that's what they wait for me, right, that's what they all says.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: Once we had kids, sex life went to nothing.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: So your wife here.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: You are married couple and you're madly in love with each other.
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: And then you have a baby and your wife's madly in love with this child and then child number two or child number three all the sudden, and husband's like wait, what about me?
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: Like, and a husband is really, and the only reason I say in this way is because we have that nurturing dream to like seriously Love our child on this whole.
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: Nother level right.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah because we birthed that baby.
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: But For a husband that's got to be super, super hard.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: You used to love the child like completely, but it is.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: It's just different and all of a sudden our attention is getting pulled in another direction, and that's hard.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and, as we've talked about before, like it's a lot easier for a woman to get distracted than a man, right, like a man still kind of has, he can give that attention to the kids, but he also still has a focus on his wife where I think a lot of times for a lot of women, their focus is so many other places with the kids that well, not kind of comes down to sex drive, I'm just gonna throw it out.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely like a husband's body is telling him like I want, I want my wife and our bodies.
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: Don't tell us that and most, most of the time, so yeah, well, and you You've made a great.
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: You've made a great point before that, like for women, that, like during this stage when they start having kids too, they're getting so much physical touch from the kids that they almost don't want that physical touch from the husband right, just because they're getting a lot of wives say I'm touched out.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: By the end of the day, there's kids all over me.
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: I just want to be left alone.
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: I get that and not get that at the same time.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: Like your husband's, touch should be different, but I understand what it's like to have babies hanging on you all day too.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: So yeah, that just takes a lot of communication right.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so this is the stage where obviously the excitement's wore off.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: You're starting to get into Maybe kids and different things.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: You're starting to maybe get pet peeves or start to notice things that that bug you about each other.
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: I feel like this is the level where maybe respect either goes up or down a little bit, Depending on like things that are bugging you right.
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I agree when someone's respect level goes down, even if it's because of more arguments or life choices or whatever it is, I feel like that totally impacts intimacy.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, agreed.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: Agreed Stage three.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: She calls this the rebellion stage.
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: I would love to know what that means the rebellion stage.
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: Are you sure I wrote this?
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you absolutely did.
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: I don't remember that.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: Okay, well, this is a stage where your goals and dreams or interests might be different than you pictured.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: Is this where, like the whole expectation, things like bombs and you're like, wait, what just happened?
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: I think so.
• 14:14
  Speaker 3: Is that what I expected, we had?
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: a rebellion stage, for sure.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: What?
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: does that mean?
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Well, you both are like maybe trying to build your careers or figure out what you're gonna do.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: How are we gonna really support the family?
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: I think stuff's starting to get a lot deeper here, right?
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: Okay, what year?
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: Well, I guess this would be different for everyone, but yeah, so stage three, I mean it could be different for everyone.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: Stage three could happen really quickly for some couples and it could happen a lot later for other couples.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: But I think this is where maybe your focus or your attention kind of start going different ways.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: I know for Amy and I that happened.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: I was so focused on a career and different things that this really caused a lot of tension and hurt and different things in our relationship and I would say mostly caused by me, that we kind of went our separate ways for a while.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're still living together and still trying to connect and do those things, but I think emotionally, mentally, we were a little more separated.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think the word rebellion is probably an appropriate word, Stubborn maybe more selfish.
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: And marriage is harder than you have planned.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: So all of a sudden it hits you and you're like wait, what have I signed up for right?
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: And this is the stage where you might have thought okay, is marriage really what I wanted to do?
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: Things are tough.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: No, that's not true.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: It's my spouse really who I thought I was married to right that's right.
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: I mean, we've all had that moment in our lives where, like did I sign up for this?
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Is that person?
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: Still the same person that I thought I married.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: Yep, yep for sure.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: This is the stage and I will say this just from experience this is the stage where it's really important to try to stay connected, both emotionally and sexually.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: You've heard Amy say this often that we were still connecting sexually and, I think, trying to connect emotionally.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: But during the difficult times in our marriage, it was the intimacy that held us together.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: If we didn't have that, I think as a husband I would have felt like she didn't love me.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: We could go into a lot deeper, but for us, I think that the sexual intimacy honestly really held us together.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: That's what we held onto, is that connection and helped us to really get through difficult times.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: Unfortunately, our difficult times lasted into probably several stages, but now we're through them.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: We're through them and stronger right, Absolutely we're definitely definitely a lot stronger.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: Stage four the cooperation stage.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: The cooperation stage.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: That's pretty self-explanatory.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would say that's probably maybe a little.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would say we're probably more in the cooperation stage now.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: Okay that's good.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: That's good.
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: I mean the cooperation stage, obviously I would put this as kids are getting more grown up, things are really stressful and busy with work and kid stuff and just hobbies and everything else that you're doing.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: I would say this stage probably lasts the longest.
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: Well, if it's operating well together, then I would hope that that's a pretty long stage, because that sounds great, right.
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think by then you've gone through enough crap.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: Maybe during that rebellious stage that you've come together, figured out kind of how to be a team and unified a little bit, which is making it more okay, we've got this figured out right.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: And we're committed to each other, because I think commitment and trust building that takes a lot of years Going through hard things, seeing how they forgive and how you heal together and how you move on and how you can still trust.
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: I think trust is built during those stages so that during this stage you already feel like you're committed and you can make it together, right, yeah?
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: it's almost like you're running a company together, right?
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: You're both kind of sharing the responsibilities.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: You know how each other work.
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: I mean, amy and I for us, technically we do run the company together, but I think even for those couples that don't work together, it is You're kind of tackling different things together, understanding what the responsibilities are, and during this stage it's extremely important to prioritize date night.
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: This is the time where you have to get out and date each other at least once a week, even if things are so busy scheduling sex.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: You have to prioritize during this time.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: More than anything, you have to prioritize your relationship so that things don't get so busy that you become completely disconnected and, like many people say that we're just two roommates living together right, and this is the stage.
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: I feel like the other stage.
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: You said sexual intimacy was important, but I feel like it's even more important at this stage, because this is the stage where you can push that on the back burner, like you said.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: And your kids' activities can take over, your career can take over.
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: You're just kind of like riding kind of straightforward through life and time can just pass you and you can lose that passion and that romance really easy in this stage just because you're coasting, because life is so busy, like we're definitely in this stage right now, life is so busy with kids and work.
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: The days just pass by like they fly right Every month I'm like, oh my gosh, it's another month or another year Like this is crazy.
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: So maintaining that not just like sexual intimacy and date nights, but maintaining fun and friendship and going on a vacation once in a while or doing spontaneous things together or trying new hobbies together, like making sure that you're not just coasting and still enjoying each other- yeah and I.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: It's almost comical sometimes to get the comments that we get Like people that have newborns that say, oh, I, just we don't have time for sexual intimacy anymore.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: In that stage your toddler is sleeping all the time, they're going to bed early you still can make time for sexual intimacy.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: This is the stage, this stage four, where it gets really difficult.
• 20:47
  Speaker 3: Cause this kids, if you have teenagers, you know, that kids don't come home till late and you're waiting up for them, and then it all of a sudden.
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: It's one, you know, midnight or whatever.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, your kids are staying up late Like it is.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Honestly, it's difficult sometimes for Amy and I to make time for sexual intimacy, but we do Like.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's in the morning.
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: Sometimes it has to be at midnight and you're like I am physically exhausted, but this is good for us to connect.
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: Sometimes it means sacrifice, but you have to prioritize that you have to.
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: This is the time.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: This is the time and I think you said this the other day where people kind of get their midlife crisis right.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Like where they're like all right, I am stressed out and you know, some women just wanna go pretend they're single, some men, you know what I mean.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: Like this is kind of where the midlife crisis happens, when you're not connected, and the best thing you can do to avoid that is stay connected with a couple.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: Like we said, date nights, making time for intimacy, even if you have to schedule it, doing the simple things, buying your spouse flowers, being romantic and just really putting forth an effort.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: And this is the stage where, if you really put forth the effort, then the rest of the stages are really gonna pay off as well.
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: Agreed.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: Stage number five the reunion stage.
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: Ooh, that sounds nice.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: The reunion?
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: Well, I don't know it depends on the reunion.
• 22:12
  Speaker 3: Some reunions are good, some are bad.
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: This is a good reunion right when I think of the reunion, I think of two people coming together and they're uniting again.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: So maybe you've gone through some really difficult challenges.
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: You've raised the kids.
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: The kids are now older, getting out of the house, your career's hopefully in a really good place, your finances are hopefully in a good place where you can go out and enjoy doing the different things.
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: That's kind of what I envision this reunion stage to be, and I feel like we're kind of in between stage four and five.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, we're not at this reunion stage yet.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: We got kids moving out, but I feel we can still kind of talk about this, because I think we're getting close to that stage, right.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: Like we're pretty well established.
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: I like what you said in the last stage, because the last stage, while you're raising kids and careers are hectic and life is hectic and it goes super fast you have to maintain that friendship and connection, intimate connection, because it makes such a big difference for this stage.
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: And I totally agree, because this is.
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: We hear from a lot of people that all of a sudden their kids move out and there's nothing left to their marriage.
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: They don't know who each other are.
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: They've put it on the back burner for 20 years, because it's been all about the kids the whole time it's been about the kids the whole time and all of a sudden, like I don't know who you are, I don't even like you anymore.
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: And nobody wants to get to this reunion stage and be like I don't like you anymore.
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: You've changed, we're different, we're not connected anymore.
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: We want to get to the stage and be like we're still connected and now we have even more time for each other.
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Imagine working your whole life together and working and sacrificing and going through difficult times, only to find out that you don't love each other or want to be together because you didn't put forth the effort during the critical times.
• 24:04
  Speaker 3: And the good news is is that doesn't always have to mean you're at a critical point just because you didn't catch on to this early enough, right?
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like if you can realize how important that last stages and all the stages are to keep that intimacy alive is great.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: But even at this stage, if it wasn't, this is a great time to be.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: Like.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: Let's find out who each other are again, let's spend some time, let's start dating again.
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: Let's fall in love again, right?
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: Well, and you bring up a great point it's never too late.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: We had a listener that has reached out to us and shared their experience of as to how the podcasts and different things have completely transformed their marriage.
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: And they sound like they're probably a younger couple, maybe in their late 20s or late 30s, and and she's just expressed you have no idea how this has completely transformed our relationship.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: We got a message the other day from them talking about how their parents actually, you know, for 40 years they've kind of, you know, held some I mean, it sounded me like maybe some grudges were held or some things that happened and they kind of just were living together almost and how they've started to listen to the podcast and implement some of the things and how their, their intimacy, emotionally and sexually, has completely changed.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: And I don't recall, I think yeah, so well, this was so.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: This was the kids that loved our podcast that changed their marriage and then they showed it to their parents and their parents was like, oh my gosh, I wish I would have had this at your age.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: I wish I would have realized.
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: I wish I could go back and relive all those years that we wasted right.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: The point we're trying to make is they they are, from what we understand are just completely transformed, their relationship.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: And here they are, you know, in their later years.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: But the point we're trying to make is it's never too late and it all just comes down to effort.
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: It's like, okay, am I going to start putting effort in?
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: Are you going to start putting effort in right now?
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: Because that's that's.
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: All that change takes is effort.
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: It really is carrying an effort.
• 26:03
  Speaker 3: We talk about that all the time.
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: Right, if you, if you genuinely care to have a great marriage and you're both willing to put in the effort that it takes to have a great marriage, which doesn't take a lot.
• 26:13
  Speaker 3: We don't put a ton of effort and work into our marriage every day, but we do simple little things that show effort.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: And that keeps our marriage alive.
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: It doesn't take a lot.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: Exactly so in this stage, some of the things that a couple can do and obviously they can do this early on as well, but this is an important stage to really put together like maybe a bucket list or a we talked about a vision board as to the things that you want to accomplish together as a couple, and this could be you know, when you retire, what do we want to do, where do we want to live, you know, what kind of life do we want to live.
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: So, again, this is kind of this is the stage where you can really start putting your dreams together about what you want to accomplish together, talking, like I said, about different vacations and things like that, and maybe even like figuring out new hobbies or things that you can do together as a couple.
• 27:08
  Speaker 3: Absolutely Super important.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: Yep Stage six the explosion stage.
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: The good kind of explosion.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 27:20
  Speaker 3: The stage is the stage that can happen at any time of your marriage, not necessarily in this order.
• 27:25
  Speaker 3: So this could happen at year three, year five or year 25 or 45.
• 27:31
  Speaker 3: So you might have like a major trial that you such as death of a parent, sickness sickness, major health trial.
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: This is the stage that could easily break your marriage.
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: We went through this year 15.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: I think.
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: I think this is still a good area of where the stage is, though, because, like you said, this is a.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: This is probably an area where you're going to have family members passing away.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: You're going to.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: You're getting a little older, you're going to probably start having maybe some health problems, maybe problems with the kids, different things, and those can have a massive negative impact on can on your relationship.
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: They can have one if you let them right.
• 28:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, like you said, it could hit any time.
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: I lost my dad, you know, eight years ago.
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: I was in my thirties.
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: It was tragic and that shook our marriage, I mean, it shook our whole life for just a little while, you know yeah like people go through stuff like that all the time and it, just, it, just it shakes you up.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: But these are the kind of this is the stage where coming together and really uniting and keeping sex and emotional connection top priority is probably more important than ever.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I want to point out to one of the things, that that if a couple really wants to stay together and flourish, really thrive as a couple, you really need to include God and you need to be.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: You need to be praying and including him and the decisions that you're making and I think we shared, have shared a stat many times, but I think it's around 2% Couples who pray together every day have about a 2% chance of getting divorced.
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: So I want to throw that in how important it is just to you know be praying together as a couple and really strengthening that part of your intimacy as well.
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: Well, spiritual intimacy is really big and that looks different to everybody.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: But that and we don't talk about spiritual intimacy a lot, but of course that's like should be number one.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, we recognize it looks different for everyone, but I would say that's a massive, massive, massive part of our life and our relationship, and one of the reasons we stay together as well is looking at the bigger, long-term picture of what God has in store for us, for sure.
• 30:03
  Speaker 3: So and I can say, now that I look back at my life, I can teach my kids that those are rough patches.
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: If you cling on to your religious beliefs and your faith and cling on to just knowing that things can get better and you can become stronger because of them.
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: Just knowing that, I hope, will help my kids, Because a lot of times we're just in the moment and we don't see like we would have gotten if we would have gotten divorced at year 14, 15, whatever was the hardships, instead of being like, okay, let's have this conversation to fix these problems, and now everything's a million times better and we're stronger than ever.
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: Like just that little switch right.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: You just have to like make sure you don't turn that switch off.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: Can you imagine if we would have given up?
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: That would have been awful.
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: I just don't want couples to give up and I don't want my kids to ever give up in their marriage.
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: Because you can become stronger because of the hard times, which is what we were just talking about in that stage and those stage.
• 30:59
  Speaker 3: This stage hit everybody.
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: If they haven't hit you yet, they will.
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: If they have hit you, they might hit you again, like you just never know what's coming right.
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: For sure, for sure.
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: And stage seven, the final one, the completion stage.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: This is it.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: I don't like that stage that sounds.
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: You don't like this stage.
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: No, that just sounds like the end.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: Oh, it means you're like you're getting close to the finish line.
• 31:20
  Speaker 3: I don't want to be close to the finish line.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: That means I'm old, Finish line me.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: Need you to die?
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: No, I'm just still.
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: What kind of finish line are we talking about?
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: The completion stage.
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: I think this is more like you've gone through the difficult stuff.
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: You Okay, I feel like we're at the completion stage, though I feel like we've gone through enough stuff now that I'm like we're a rock.
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: I just want people to feel like we're a rock marriage, nothing's gonna break us.
• 31:42
  Speaker 3: Is that the completion stage?
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: Well, I think the completion stage is probably more like okay, your kids have moved out, you're maybe retired, you're enjoying the fruits of your labor, so to speak, and this can actually be a very difficult time for a lot of people.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: It can be Because, again, like Amy said, if your focus has been on your kids the whole time or other things, and all of a sudden you're, you don't have work to focus on, you don't have your kids other than when you're seeing them once in a while, or grandkids or things like that, like you, literally it's you and your spouse.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's what it is, and so for some people this can be very, very difficult.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: It's almost like trying to fall in love again.
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: I've heard a lot of retired people being like our marriage is worse than ever just because we don't have anything else to focus on.
• 32:32
  Speaker 3: So at this stage I would recommend and I'm not there yet but having your own hobbies, understanding that you both need your own time trying new things together, keeping life exciting but also finding healthy balances.
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: Like I can see, when your career's over and your kids move out maybe depression hitting kind of I don't know, losing your zest for life.
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: In certain ways you gotta find new things to be excited about.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: That's good for your marriage still taking care of yourself.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: you know I'm looking forward to that stage of life, Like I'm not saying I wanna get old, but I am.
• 33:11
  Speaker 3: I am too, but the only reason is because I think, well, we're gonna have a lot of communication in this area too, but if one person's more of an introvert or doesn't have a lot of hobbies and the other one's gonna have all these hobbies, like you can see where this it could get hard.
• 33:27
  Speaker 3: So I think, no matter what stage you're in, learning how to communicate and balance well can help you, when you get to this stage, to already be able to communicate right.
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, for sure, For sure.
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: So, and I've heard that sex gets better with age.
• 33:46
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: I would think I'm raising my hand.
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: I think it does.
• 33:53
  Speaker 3: I know it does for you, but I've heard from some women that once the kids are out and they can concentrate more on their spouse again, sometimes the drive goes high again, which is like, yeah, sign me up for that.
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, a lot of prayers are being thrown out.
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: That's the case, wow.
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: We hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: We hope this can offer some insight, regardless of what stage of marriage you're in, but the goal is obviously to bring you closer together as a couple.
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: Use the tools and things that you can do in your life to just find that ultimate intimacy in your relationship, because when you do have that type of relationship, there really is nothing better in life than having that connection and that close relationship with each other.
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: And if you need a great place to connect, we are close to closing out the ultimate intimacy and adventure retreat in St George, utah, march 21st to the 24th.
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: There's still a few spots available, so, like I said, call, just get online.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: Ultimateintimacycom slash retreats.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: Let us know if you have any questions.
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: We're happy to answer them for you and we hope to see you there.
• 35:10
  Speaker 3: So, and it's February now.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: Valentine's Day.
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: Valentine's Day, the retreat could be like the best gift you ever give your spouse.
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: That's true.
• 35:19
  Speaker 3: And we have all the awesome other gifts too.
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: We do.
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, check out shopultimateintimacycom.
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: We got some great gift ideas and don't wait till the last minute.
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: The pleasure pack for her.
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: She's gonna love it.
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: She's gonna love it.
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: Do you need a gift for your wife or yourself?
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: The pleasure pack for her.
• 35:43
  Speaker 3: I'm telling you it's hand-picked items that we love.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: I would say I'll take your word for it, but I already know that.
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: So until next time, I hope you all find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.