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Getting Past Yesterday’s Failures · INSIGHT FOR LIVING: Biblical Wisdom For Everyday Living

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Speaker 1: We come today to the seventh and final message on
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Speaker 1: this mini-series on the family that we have been enjoying together.
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Speaker 1: I say enjoying, much of it has been convicting, as
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Speaker 1: it has been instructive for all of us. We always
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Speaker 1: welcome the message from God's Word that helps set the
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Speaker 1: record straight, silences those areas of tradition that have been
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Speaker 1: in error, as well as clarifies places where there has
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Speaker 1: been confusion. Today is no exception. We come to address
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Speaker 1: the subject getting past yesterday's A very real issue when
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Speaker 1: coming to terms with the truth. I want to read
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Speaker 1: for you from Isaiah 58, verses 6 through 12. A
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Speaker 1: passage obviously addressing the Jewish people of the prophet's day,
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Speaker 1: centuries before Christ came. Isaiah 58, 6 through 12, however,
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Speaker 1: provides application for the family, as we will see toward
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Speaker 1: the conclusion of my message today. Once you find the
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Speaker 1: 58th of Isaiah, please stand with me for the reading
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Speaker 1: of the scriptures. Beginning at verse 6, I'll be reading
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Speaker 1: from the New Living Translation. This is the kind of
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Speaker 1: fasting I want. Free those who are wrongly imprisoned. Lighten
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Speaker 1: the burden of those who work for you. Let the
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Speaker 1: oppressed go free and remove the chains that bind people.
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Speaker 1: Share your food with the hungry and give shelter to
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Speaker 1: the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them. Do
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Speaker 1: not hide from relatives who need your help. Then your
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Speaker 1: salvation will come like the dawn and your wounds will
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Speaker 1: quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward and the
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Speaker 1: glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then
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Speaker 1: you will call The Lord will answer, yes, I am here.
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Speaker 1: He will quickly reply. Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
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Speaker 1: Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors. Feed the hungry.
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Speaker 1: Help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out
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Speaker 1: from the darkness. and the darkness around you will be
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Speaker 1: as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually,
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Speaker 1: giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.
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Speaker 1: You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.
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Speaker 1: Some of you will rebuild yourself the deserted ruins of
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Speaker 1: your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder
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Speaker 1: of walls and a restorer of homes. May we bow
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Speaker 1: together for prayer. As always, our Father, when we come
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Speaker 1: before you, we acknowledge You are the potter. We are
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Speaker 1: the clay. You are the master. We are the servant.
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Speaker 1: You are the vine. We are the branches. You are
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Speaker 1: the Lord. We are merely learners along the way. Disciples
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Speaker 1: who wish to follow your teaching. Remind us this day,
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Speaker 1: our Father, that though silent, you are never absent. Though unseen,
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Speaker 1: you are always here. And you care. You care especially
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Speaker 1: about those in need. and that would be every one
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Speaker 1: of us. May we today realize afresh and anew that
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Speaker 1: you want us to be free of guilt and shame.
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Speaker 1: You want us to walk in joy, confidence and assurance
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Speaker 1: in your strength, operating our lives for your glory, releasing
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Speaker 1: our will to yours and remembering that you are our
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Speaker 1: guide and we are here to follow. Some strong words
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Speaker 1: will be declared today, may we be willing to hear them,
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Speaker 1: accept them and adjust our lives to them. Thank you
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Speaker 1: for working while we wait and wait and wait. How
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Speaker 1: long we have waited for there to be a change.
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Speaker 1: And just this week, you led in the provision of
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Speaker 1: that change as our Supreme Court made a decision unpopular
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Speaker 1: among many, but in honor of the unborn. Thank you.
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Speaker 1: Thank you, Father. We pray, Lord, that you will remind
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Speaker 1: all of us that we are your children and we
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Speaker 1: are here for the purpose of glorifying your name. We
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Speaker 1: are penniless. We are broken people. which is why Jesus
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Speaker 1: paid it all, and all to him we owe. Today,
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Speaker 1: we acknowledge that as we find fulfillment in you and
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Speaker 1: in our Savior Christ, who loved us and gave himself
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Speaker 1: for us. Finally, Father, I pray that you will use
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Speaker 1: this message To bring healing in families where there is
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Speaker 1: hurting and offense. I pray that you will speak through
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Speaker 1: your truth. Cut through all of the things that have
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Speaker 1: held us back. So that we give ourselves to your will.
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Speaker 1: Doing it your way. In your time, for your glory,
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Speaker 1: through Christ, our Redeemer, our Lord and Master, we pray
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Speaker 1: these things. And all God's people said, Amen. Please be seated.
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Speaker 1: Few feelings are harder to live with than guilt and shame.
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Speaker 1: When they overwhelm us, it's like we are drowning. Like
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Speaker 1: drowning in self-defeating thoughts, memories of faults and failures from
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Speaker 1: the past. Sometimes they come in like a flood. They
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Speaker 1: interrupt our sleep. They disturb our peace. We can't seem
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Speaker 1: to shake them because, as the psalmist writes, our sins
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Speaker 1: are ever before us. They are there, fixed in our minds.
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Speaker 1: We can't erase them. Ever since I started this brief
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Speaker 1: series on the family, I've known this day was coming.
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Speaker 1: As a result, I've spent hours preparing my thoughts today
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Speaker 1: and probably will be a little more attached to my
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Speaker 1: notes than normal. because I have a lot to say
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Speaker 1: and I don't want to miss any of it or
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Speaker 1: misstate any part of it. I've asked the Lord to
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Speaker 1: guide clearly and to speak through his word and using
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Speaker 1: my voice box to connect with all of you, you
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Speaker 1: who are here and you who are at a distance
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Speaker 1: from us. I speak to every one of us, especially
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Speaker 1: to parents. Let's face it, when we got married, we
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Speaker 1: were young, ignorant, and broke. We didn't know what we
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Speaker 1: were doing. We thought we could just live on love
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Speaker 1: from then on. Just love our way through life. Well,
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Speaker 1: that got cold about the second week. Didn't work. Then
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Speaker 1: we started having children. We thought, how great is this?
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Speaker 1: Look at this adorable child. Hard to believe a baby
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Speaker 1: that adorable could come from two people like us. We
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Speaker 1: didn't know what we were doing. We just raised them
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Speaker 1: up like we were raised, making the same mistakes our
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Speaker 1: parents made, sometimes worse. There were times our discipline was erratic,
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Speaker 1: too soft when it should have been harder and stronger,
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Speaker 1: too severe when it should have been more compassionate and caring.
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Speaker 1: But we didn't know what we were doing. There was
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Speaker 1: no manual to follow. If the Bible said anything about
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Speaker 1: rearing children, it spoke in a language that was ancient
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Speaker 1: and it didn't really seem to address the things we
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Speaker 1: were struggling with. By and by those children grew up
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Speaker 1: and a distance formed between us It had been going
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Speaker 1: on for some time. We kept hoping it would end.
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Speaker 1: But before long, like the folk song of yesteryear, we
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Speaker 1: found ourselves passing like ships in the night. Our son
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Speaker 1: or our daughter or both wanted little to do with us.
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Speaker 1: We were filled with guilt and shame. They were filled
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Speaker 1: with resentment and disappointment. It was hard to bear. All
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Speaker 1: of this brings us to the major question. What do
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Speaker 1: we do about the sins of our past, the failures
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Speaker 1: of yesterday? How do we handle them today? God certainly
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Speaker 1: doesn't want his people to live under the haunting presence
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Speaker 1: of guilt and submerged in shame. Let me begin with
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Speaker 1: three painful realities of our humanity. First, We are all
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Speaker 1: imperfect people. That includes our children. Those who grow up
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Speaker 1: and become young adults, marry and have their children, we
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Speaker 1: are all imperfect, sinful people. Romans 3.23 is usually used
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Speaker 1: in addressing the subject of salvation. I want to use
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Speaker 1: it as it relates to our imperfection as parents. In
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Speaker 1: the New Living Translation, for everyone has sinned, we all
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Speaker 1: fall short of the glorious standards of God. We all
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Speaker 1: have sinned. We all fall short to drive this home,
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Speaker 1: your mother and your father fell short. They were sinners,
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Speaker 1: may have been great people, but they were at birth,
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Speaker 1: at heart, and in their will, sinful, just as you are,
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Speaker 1: just as our children are. This also applies to your
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Speaker 1: favorite teacher, your best mentor, a former pastor that's now
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Speaker 1: gone whom you love to the point of idolizing, sinful, imperfect,
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Speaker 1: the authors you love to read, counselors you admire, artists
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Speaker 1: you appreciate, composers whose songs you sing, leaders, coaches, heroes,
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Speaker 1: Bible characters, Evangelists, missionaries, martyrs, everyone falls short. Everyone. So
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Speaker 1: obviously it includes us. A big part of falling short
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Speaker 1: is simply living with imperfections and inadequacies. The inability to
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Speaker 1: perform at the highest level of accomplishment. We can't achieve it.
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Speaker 1: We may want to, we don't. It is therefore self-defeating
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Speaker 1: for imperfect people to beat themselves up with guilt for
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Speaker 1: failing to accomplish what we were never capable of achieving.
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Speaker 1: You were not built to accomplish 100% success You cannot
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Speaker 1: achieve perfection. The ideal is out of reach. When we
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Speaker 1: forget that we are imperfect, we give guilt, undeserved power
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Speaker 1: over us. We are imperfect, so are our kids. Second,
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Speaker 1: we cannot change the past. It is set in stone.
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Speaker 1: What was done was done. There it is. For whatever reason,
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Speaker 1: there it stands. We would all love to go back
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Speaker 1: and start over, given a second chance in our marriage life.
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Speaker 1: Starting with our honeymoon, wouldn't it have been great to
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Speaker 1: have had a good honeymoon? Wouldn't it have been wonderful
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Speaker 1: to have done things right from the get-go, right from
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Speaker 1: the altar? But we didn't. We didn't. Wouldn't it have
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Speaker 1: been wonderful to re-raise our, well, maybe not all together,
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Speaker 1: but you know what I mean. To have a second
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Speaker 1: chance at doing it right, now that we know what
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Speaker 1: we have learned about making a study of our child
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Speaker 1: and respecting the way God had prepared them during the
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Speaker 1: nine months they're in the womb so that we can
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Speaker 1: cooperate with the good bents and deal with the wrong
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Speaker 1: and the bad bents within them. And that we could
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Speaker 1: be consistent about it, but we cannot erase yesterday's failures.
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Speaker 1: That's absolutely impossible. It's a waste of time. Someone as
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Speaker 1: great as Paul the Apostle wrote in Philippians 3, 13
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Speaker 1: and 14, this one thing I do. I focus on this.
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Speaker 1: Forgetting the past and looking forward to the future. to
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Speaker 1: what lies ahead, I press on. What a great, great
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Speaker 1: way to live. Oh. What a wonderful way to carry
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Speaker 1: out our lives. But we don't do that. We dredge
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Speaker 1: up the past. We remind others of our past. We
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Speaker 1: often live in the past, and as a result there
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Speaker 1: it is again, guilt and shame, guilt and shame, dogging
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Speaker 1: our steps, stealing our energy, robbing us of joy because
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Speaker 1: we are refusing the past. Think of what Paul had
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Speaker 1: to forget running with the Pharisees, living in such pride,
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Speaker 1: chasing down Christians, hoping to see them arrested, even killed.
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Speaker 1: All of that was in his past, forgetting the past.
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Speaker 1: Looking forward to the future, I press on, otherwise, He
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Speaker 1: could have never written these letters that instruct us, could
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Speaker 1: have never provided for us what we needed. Look, life
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Speaker 1: is like a coin. We can spend it any way
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Speaker 1: we wish, but we can only spend it once. Once.
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Speaker 1: We're facing three realities related to our sinfulness. We're imperfect.
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Speaker 1: We cannot change the past. Here's the third. We are
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Speaker 1: personally responsible for our own wrongs. It is not only
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Speaker 1: a waste, it is unbiblical for us to rationalize around
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Speaker 1: our wrongs, to excuse our wrongs, or to blame someone
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Speaker 1: else for our wrongs. When we do wrong, we are responsible.
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Speaker 1: Before the alcoholic can ever get free of the addiction,
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Speaker 1: he or she must begin with, I am an alcoholic.
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Speaker 1: Before the prodigal son could ever return home with any
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Speaker 1: sense of plan to go ahead with his life, He
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Speaker 1: must begin with, as he said to the pigs, practicing
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Speaker 1: his speech, I have sinned against you, my father, and
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Speaker 1: against others. David said it in 2 Samuel 12, 13,
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Speaker 1: after Nathan confronted him with his adultery. I have sinned
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Speaker 1: against the Lord. These three realities may seem a strange
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Speaker 1: way to deal with our guilt and shame, but these
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Speaker 1: are starting points. These will break down our pride, humble us,
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Speaker 1: drive us to our knees as a starting place before
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Speaker 1: our God. You don't need to turn. I will read
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Speaker 1: the verses for you. Jeremiah 29, verses 10 and 11.
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Speaker 1: The Lord said this to the Jews following a lengthy
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Speaker 1: period of wrongdoing and disobedience. Strong words here. This is
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Speaker 1: what the Lord says. You will be in Babylon for
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Speaker 1: 70 years. years but then I will come and do
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Speaker 1: for you all the good things I promised I will
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Speaker 1: bring you home again for I know the plans I
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Speaker 1: have for you says the Lord they are plans for
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Speaker 1: good and not for disaster to give you a future
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Speaker 1: and a hope how great is that But he said
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Speaker 1: to that, he said that to those people in Babylon,
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Speaker 1: seven consistent decades, they're away from home. That's a long
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Speaker 1: time to be humbled, to be reminded of their failure.
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Speaker 1: It's where things began, not where they were to end.
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Speaker 1: I will come, I will relieve you of the captivity.
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Speaker 1: I will bring you back to the land to give
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Speaker 1: you a future and a hope, but you must go
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Speaker 1: through Babylon these years. Some of you have not been broken.
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Speaker 1: You have not acknowledged the truth of your own wrongdoing
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Speaker 1: to those you have offended. Your Babylonian captivity may be
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Speaker 1: a dysfunctional family as a result. It may be a
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Speaker 1: son or daughter who wants little, if anything, to do
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Speaker 1: with you today. Let me go to the other side.
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Speaker 1: It may not make sense to you because you were
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Speaker 1: a fairly good parent. You did not abuse your child.
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Speaker 1: You did not knowingly embarrass your child. or take unfair
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Speaker 1: advantage of her or him. You were a fairly good parent,
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Speaker 1: but look at what happened. Remember, your children are also
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Speaker 1: bent toward wrongdoing. They have an old sin nature, just
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Speaker 1: as the prodigal son with that great father he had
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Speaker 1: still did wrong. had to learn his lesson the hard way.
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Speaker 1: For the rest of my time, I want to address
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Speaker 1: getting past all the guilt and all the shame so
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Speaker 1: we can focus our life on recovery and renewal. To
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Speaker 1: get there, here is what won't help. Please hear this well.
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Speaker 1: Two things. First, it won't help for you to misinterpret
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Speaker 1: the scriptures. Basically, here's what I'm saying. Guard against always
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Speaker 1: and nevers. Guard against making promises airtight. For example, when
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Speaker 1: the Lord says in Proverbs 22, 6, Train up a
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Speaker 1: child according to his way, and when he was old,
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Speaker 1: he will not depart from it. But the verse does
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Speaker 1: not say that will happen in 100% of the cases.
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Speaker 1: Every child will come back to the Lord. No, they won't.
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Speaker 1: Some die in their sin. Remember, you're dealing with damaged goods,
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Speaker 1: and you yourself are damaged. This makes it complicated. Be
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Speaker 1: careful about the always and nevers in God's word. Rarely
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Speaker 1: do we have the freedom to use those words in
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Speaker 1: his promises. Proverbs 22, 6 never guarantees 100% success in
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Speaker 1: the rearing of our children, but chances are good If
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Speaker 1: you are faithful to do what you should do in
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Speaker 1: the rearing of your kids, more often than not, good
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Speaker 1: will occur rather than bad, though there are always exceptions.
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Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it's your fault. Here's another something that
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Speaker 1: won't work, is to ignore common sense. Think Think when
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Speaker 1: you marry. Think when you have children. Think when things
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Speaker 1: are going wrong. Think with common sense. If anybody on
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Speaker 1: this planet needs common sense in spades, we do as parents.
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Speaker 1: played a major role in our parents' lives and it
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Speaker 1: has not gone out of style. Keep paying attention to
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Speaker 1: your gut instincts. Think practically. Think independently. Don't be afraid
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Speaker 1: to think outside the box. Apply common sense. For the
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Speaker 1: next few moments, I'm going to read for you from
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Speaker 1: a book titled Parents in Pain. by Dr. John White,
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Speaker 1: a physician, British physician, who writes about common sense. He
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Speaker 1: writes this. Bear with me. It's a bit lengthy, but
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Speaker 1: it's worth hearing. I have a feeling, he writes, that
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Speaker 1: when doubts and anxieties assail us, common sense is the
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Speaker 1: first thing to go. We long for easy answers, unambiguous assurance.
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Speaker 1: The doubts and guilts drown our minds and make us
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Speaker 1: not want to think rationally but instead to cling to
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Speaker 1: any bit of ideological driftwood that comes along. The last
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Speaker 1: thing we want to do when we are drowning is
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Speaker 1: to think logically, yet think we must. Then he writes,
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Speaker 1: as a recently graduated I was given major duties in
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Speaker 1: surgery too early. Within a year of completing my medical training,
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Speaker 1: I was frequently responsible at night for all the emergency
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Speaker 1: surgery in a large city hospital, as well as in
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Speaker 1: a smaller hospital on one of Britain's major highways. During
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Speaker 1: the days, I was often given my own operating list,
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Speaker 1: and less than a year after that, I was doing gastrectomies. Understandably,
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Speaker 1: things sometimes went wrong, seriously wrong. In the operating room,
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Speaker 1: a wave of panic would occasionally begin to rise in
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Speaker 1: me as with horror, I would see that the operation
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Speaker 1: was getting into a deeper and deeper mess. An unconscious
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Speaker 1: patient's life depended on me. The anesthetist was competent in
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Speaker 1: his or her own area but could offer me no help.
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Speaker 1: Senior surgeons were an hour away. with the panic came
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Speaker 1: a sort of freezing in my brain. My movements were
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Speaker 1: hurried but pointless and repetitive. I would stare at the
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Speaker 1: circle of the eyes of the assisting team around me,
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Speaker 1: but all eyes would be looking silently back at me.
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Speaker 1: Under such circumstances, the only thing I could do was
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Speaker 1: forcefully will myself to think slowly and deliberately. I discovered
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Speaker 1: that being a Christian, I had been sending up panicky prayers. Like,
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Speaker 1: oh Lord, help. Oh Lord, don't let it go wrong. Lord,
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Speaker 1: don't let me get into a mess here. Don't let
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Speaker 1: her die. They were muttered incantations, not prayer. I'd not
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Speaker 1: been aiming at communicating with God, but was simply expressing
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Speaker 1: panic in parrot talk. Stay with me here. God of
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Speaker 1: course was merciful. He was there. But I saw that
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Speaker 1: I had to stop and think. On a spiritual level
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Speaker 1: I had to talk to myself rather than to God.
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Speaker 1: God is here. He doesn't need to be badgered. He
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Speaker 1: does care. Now Take it easy. What's my immediate aim?
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Speaker 1: What should I do first? Slowly, as I did this,
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Speaker 1: a mental clearing came. My mind unfroze. And I found myself,
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Speaker 1: if not relaxed, at least able to be deliberate and calm. Slowly,
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Speaker 1: with a sense of growing confidence and relief, I found
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Speaker 1: my way through the difficulties, successfully completing what could have
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Speaker 1: been a tragically botched operation. I've no doubt that God's
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Speaker 1: Holy Spirit was behind it. He was behind it all,
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Speaker 1: but what was demanded of me in each crisis was
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Speaker 1: to force myself to stop the panic spiral and think.
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Speaker 1: I don't know where you may be as you read
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Speaker 1: these words, a parent fearing the future, a parent relaxing
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Speaker 1: a little after a crisis, or one in the midst
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Speaker 1: of one, but in our association together, you as reader
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Speaker 1: and I as writer, I must insist on this ground
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Speaker 1: rule that at times you force yourself to think, even
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Speaker 1: when you do not feel like it, which brings us
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Speaker 1: back to where we started, common sense. Whether you are
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Speaker 1: a Christian or not, you need plenty of it in
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Speaker 1: dealing with yourself, your family, and the child who causes
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Speaker 1: you so much pain. And I say again that common
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Speaker 1: sense says that all the blame does not necessarily lie
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Speaker 1: with you. If one of your children goes badly wrong,
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Speaker 1: it may, but it is rarely so simple. So those
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Speaker 1: two things must be kept in mind, men and women.
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Speaker 1: We must guard against misinterpreting scripture and we must maintain
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Speaker 1: good thinking with common sense as we deal with the
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Speaker 1: subjects related to the family. Now let me continue with
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Speaker 1: a couple of things that won't help. Let me continue
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Speaker 1: with what will help. Two words, true repentance. True repentance.
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Speaker 1: In Isaiah 58, which I read earlier in the scripture reading,
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Speaker 1: there's a strong rebuke from the Lord for people who
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Speaker 1: went through the empty motions of religious activity instead of
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Speaker 1: exhibiting heartfelt repentance. The subject in Isaiah 58 was fasting.
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Speaker 1: And rather than fast with humility and a genuineness, they
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Speaker 1: got busy about religious activities. And he says with a
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Speaker 1: hard question, do you think the Lord... Was pleased with
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Speaker 1: any of that? And there is a bold answer, no, no.
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Speaker 1: So now let me apply these verses to your life
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Speaker 1: and to mine. And I'm going to be very vulnerable
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Speaker 1: in doing so. There are five guidelines I find in
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Speaker 1: Isaiah 58 that will help you and they will help
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Speaker 1: me as we come to terms with a family that
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Speaker 1: lacks harmony, that is becoming dysfunctional, if not altogether. We
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Speaker 1: must begin by humbling ourselves. That's verses seven and eight.
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Speaker 1: Pride is often the major culprit in family squabbles and
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Speaker 1: family problems. Often it's the pride of parents. So I'm
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Speaker 1: not surprised that the Lord begins with humility. For some
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Speaker 1: of you, this is foreign. talk. You were reared, I'm
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Speaker 1: the parent. I don't humble myself before my children. I'm
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Speaker 1: sorry you were told that. That's stupid counsel. You humble
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Speaker 1: yourself before anyone before whom you have been proud. if
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Speaker 1: you ever want to break the syndrome. He begins by
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Speaker 1: emphasizing humility, removing the chains, sharing, giving, not hiding from
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Speaker 1: family members. And you will find the wounds will begin
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Speaker 1: to heal. So start with humility. I'm going to get
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Speaker 1: more specific. Pray. The end of verse nine, I would
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Speaker 1: suggest while praying, you would be wise to write down
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Speaker 1: the offenses you have caused and connect the offense with
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Speaker 1: a name. It's right. Go back and remember where the
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Speaker 1: offense occurred. See it as such. Call it as such.
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Speaker 1: Name the one you offended in the act. In prayer,
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Speaker 1: ask for guidance to remember the names and to identify
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Speaker 1: the offense. Don't be easy on yourself. Talk straight. Think.
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Speaker 1: Don't hide. Verse 3, I should say verse 9, refers
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Speaker 1: to removing the yoke So I would say cease all blaming.
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Speaker 1: Stop all finger pointing. If you had not so and so,
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Speaker 1: I would not have none of that. And for sure,
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Speaker 1: refuse to gossip and spread rumors about how bad your
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Speaker 1: kids have turned out. That doesn't help them and it
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Speaker 1: doesn't help you. This is a private matter between you
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Speaker 1: and the one you've offended. So remove the yoke, which
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Speaker 1: brings us to the fourth. And here I want to
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Speaker 1: camp on it for a little bit longer. Make yourself
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Speaker 1: available and vulnerable. Verses 10 and 11. I suggest that
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Speaker 1: you set up time to sit down with your adult children,
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Speaker 1: the ones you have wounded in the past, the ones
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Speaker 1: you've offended. In doing so, you will find ways to
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Speaker 1: be released from the grip of guilt and lifted out
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Speaker 1: of the shadow of shame. My wife and I decided
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Speaker 1: to do that in the Swindoll family. By the time
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Speaker 1: we decided that our children were all by then adults
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Speaker 1: and married. We worked with a counselor that we admired
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Speaker 1: who gave us very clear biblical direction in how to
42:57
Speaker 1: take care of this being available and vulnerable matter. He
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Speaker 1: suggested we actually meet with them privately, not including their mates.
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Speaker 1: Their partners in life had nothing to do with our offenses.
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Speaker 1: The offenses occurred as they were growing up more often
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Speaker 1: than not. So literally, Cynthia and I asked our four
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Speaker 1: adult children to take time on a particular day to
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Speaker 1: meet with us and the counselor in a hotel room
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Speaker 1: private with the door closed. No one else was there
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Speaker 1: but the six of us in the family and the
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Speaker 1: counselor who remained absolutely silent after instructing us on how
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Speaker 1: to go about this. We had both put together our
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Speaker 1: own lists. Not surprisingly, my list was longer than hers.
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Speaker 1: I had seven or eight, maybe nine things I needed
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Speaker 1: to mention that I could remember where I had done
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Speaker 1: what was wrong, where I had been offensive, where I
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Speaker 1: had hurt one of my children while growing up. One
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Speaker 1: of the occasions was a matter when I embarrassed one
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Speaker 1: in front of their friends at a birthday party. I
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Speaker 1: remembered it like it was yesterday. So did she. When
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Speaker 1: I named it, she broke into tears. So did I.
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Speaker 1: But my list was about eight or nine. Cynthia's was
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Speaker 1: about five or six. each of us a different list.
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Speaker 1: We didn't compare our list. What we had done to
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Speaker 1: offend our family had been different from one another, but
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Speaker 1: we needed to humble ourselves before our children. They sat
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Speaker 1: in silence with tears. By the time we ended, we
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Speaker 1: were all in tears, even the counselor. It was the
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Speaker 1: most genuine, authentic, open, unguarded, no-holes-barred expression of wrongdoing one way.
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Speaker 1: We did not ask them at that moment to forgive us.
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Speaker 1: We did not come to expect from them at that
45:33
Speaker 1: time any response. They were somewhere between amazed and completely shocked.
45:41
Speaker 1: not knowing what the meeting would be about. We cleared
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Speaker 1: the list, the lists. Cynthia with hers, me with mine.
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Speaker 1: They listened very patiently, never once interrupted, never once responded,
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Speaker 1: nor did we ask them to respond. When we finished,
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Speaker 1: we did not pray. We felt it was appropriate simply
46:13
Speaker 1: to end the time because it was such a deeply
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Speaker 1: emotional period. We would simply end it in tears. And
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Speaker 1: we expressed to each one the depth of our sorrowful confession.
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Speaker 1: We asked for their forgiveness. We told them that we
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Speaker 1: were wrong. And we were saddened that they had to
46:46
Speaker 1: endure those wrong things we had done. I don't believe
46:52
Speaker 1: we left out anything that was a meaningful offense. We
46:59
Speaker 1: left it all before them. We stood up in tears
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Speaker 1: we did not embrace. As I recall, we walked to
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Speaker 1: the door, the counselor remained, and what he said to them,
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Speaker 1: to this day, I do not know. But he assured
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Speaker 1: us that he would take it from there, and he
47:25
Speaker 1: had words for them as to how they could respond.
47:30
Speaker 1: We left, still in tears, driving home in silence, but
47:38
Speaker 1: fully assured that nothing had been held back. We brought
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Speaker 1: everything and left it there. Now the fifth guideline is
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Speaker 1: you trust the Lord to bring healing and major changes
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Speaker 1: in his time. You don't manipulate it. You don't call
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Speaker 1: them up two days later to check on things. If
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Speaker 1: it's brought up again, they will bring it up. We've
48:19
Speaker 1: had our say. I don't mean that to sound uncaring.
48:25
Speaker 1: I mean it to sound respectful. They're adults. They remembered,
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Speaker 1: of course. We didn't miss it. Every one of the
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Speaker 1: things we named struck a note in each one of
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Speaker 1: their lives. Instead of remaining offenders, we became at that
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Speaker 1: time a restorer of the breach, a rebuilder of our home.
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Speaker 1: I would like to believe So my closing words have
49:09
Speaker 1: to do with when you carry this out, if the
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Speaker 1: Lord so leads you to do this, make sure you
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Speaker 1: do it privately. don't hide anything don't hurry the process
49:29
Speaker 1: don't hold anything back I'm going to close with a
49:36
Speaker 1: story that is not mine but is a story told
49:41
Speaker 1: by Louis L'Amour, the Western writer many of us have
49:45
Speaker 1: read for years. Years ago, he wrote a book titled Frontier.
49:52
Speaker 1: In the book, he describes life on the journey from
49:57
Speaker 1: East to Western United States as the covered wagons made
50:03
Speaker 1: their way to the Oregon and California coastline to the west.
50:14
Speaker 1: He writes this in Frontier. The crossing of the continental
50:21
Speaker 1: divide came in the midst of an open plain after
50:26
Speaker 1: a long, steady climb. But the worst of the travel
50:33
Speaker 1: lay ahead. Grass was scarcer waterholes farther apart, crossing the
50:44
Speaker 1: desert of the Great Basin and then the passes of
50:48
Speaker 1: the Sierras, presented a terrible ordeal that called for all
50:57
Speaker 1: the judgment and skill required on the long trek westward.
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Speaker 1: Now listen very carefully. Whatever was left that could be
51:12
Speaker 1: discarded was thrown out of the covered wagons to lighten
51:18
Speaker 1: the wagons for the oxen, mules, or horses who were
51:24
Speaker 1: now worn down day after day of marching. At Ragtown,
51:33
Speaker 1: as it was called in Nevada were acres of discarded books, chairs, dressers, dishes, keepsakes,
51:55
Speaker 1: many of which had come from Europe with the first pioneers.
52:01
Speaker 1: Many a woman looked back at the few precious things
52:08
Speaker 1: brought from home that lay abandoned there. Only one thought
52:15
Speaker 1: remained among the pioneers, to get through, to make it
52:23
Speaker 1: to California or to Oregon, whichever was the destination. All
52:33
Speaker 1: were richer for their experience. Many remained to build, to create,
52:39
Speaker 1: to establish themselves in that new land. They had discovered
52:47
Speaker 1: that the ability to adapt was the ability to survive.
52:53
Speaker 1: There's the key statement. The ability to adapt was the
52:59
Speaker 1: ability to survive. They were made stronger by the knowledge
53:04
Speaker 1: that they could do what had to be done in
53:08
Speaker 1: order to survive. We came to that same conclusion as
53:14
Speaker 1: a couple. We would not protect anything in order to
53:21
Speaker 1: make things right. In the old words of yesteryear, we
53:27
Speaker 1: would pull out all the stops We would toss out
53:32
Speaker 1: all the things that we could think of that had
53:37
Speaker 1: caused offenses and heartbreak and brokenness among us and between
53:44
Speaker 1: us and the family. We would trust God to use
53:47
Speaker 1: it to ultimately bring us back together, which indeed he
53:55
Speaker 1: did and he is doing. By the way, doesn't it
54:03
Speaker 1: tie in beautifully with the cross? When we come as
54:09
Speaker 1: sinful people to the cross, we hold nothing back. We
54:14
Speaker 1: come just as we are. We declare ourselves sinful, distant
54:23
Speaker 1: from God, and we claim that Christ and Christ alone
54:30
Speaker 1: By faith and faith alone, through grace and grace alone,
54:34
Speaker 1: we come to be rescued from our sins and to
54:42
Speaker 1: be delivered eternally from ourselves that we might spend our
54:51
Speaker 1: future with our Heavenly Father, forgiven, cleansed, because we have
55:02
Speaker 1: laid it all before him. In all candor, I don't
55:09
Speaker 1: know what it's going to take to get each one
55:14
Speaker 1: of you to do what needs to be done. But
55:19
Speaker 1: I was convinced when I prepared this message, this is
55:22
Speaker 1: at least a start. And I can assure you, God
55:29
Speaker 1: will honor your humility and your effort to make it right,
55:35
Speaker 1: your children may not want to meet with you. I
55:39
Speaker 1: understand that. On the other hand, they may be willing
55:46
Speaker 1: when they know it's not a time in which you're
55:48
Speaker 1: going to blame any of this on them. You're going
55:53
Speaker 1: to make it right if for the very first time
55:58
Speaker 1: in their adult life, they're going to hear you declare
56:04
Speaker 1: this was wrong. I want you to know how sad
56:11
Speaker 1: I am that I did that. Please forgive me when you,
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Speaker 1: in your heart, feel you can do so. But I
56:22
Speaker 1: lay it all before you. Trust me, men and women,
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Speaker 1: God honors a broken and contrite heart. He will have
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Speaker 1: nothing to do with pride. But if you will come
56:43
Speaker 1: before him first and then before those you have offended,
56:47
Speaker 1: may not be just family members. There may be others.
56:57
Speaker 1: You may have done your former mate wrong. You get
57:02
Speaker 1: around it now by blaming him or her for their wrongs.
57:07
Speaker 1: You're responsible, remember, for your wrongs. Have you ever made
57:13
Speaker 1: that right? Have you ever openly thought that's why there's
57:23
Speaker 1: a distance between whoever it may be and you? Either way,
57:30
Speaker 1: it's your move. I leave it with you. Please bow
57:36
Speaker 1: your heads with me. Thank you for listening so carefully.
57:45
Speaker 1: May God give you the same determination when this meeting
57:52
Speaker 1: ends to follow through. May he be honored in what
57:59
Speaker 1: was said. Help us all, our Father. Help us all.
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Speaker 1: Each one of us is as imperfect as the other.
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Speaker 1: Our wrongs oppress us, make us sad. But we don't
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Speaker 1: want to stop there. That's Babylon. We want to move
58:28
Speaker 1: on to a place of a future and a hope.
58:33
Speaker 1: So as you enable that to happen, give us the strength,
58:37
Speaker 1: give us the determination to think clearly, to bring ourselves
58:46
Speaker 1: before those we have wounded so that we might forever
58:54
Speaker 1: find forgiveness and hope to go on. Finally, thank you, Father,
59:01
Speaker 1: for accepting every one of us who has called upon
59:05
Speaker 1: you to be rescued from our sins. Thank you. Thank you.
59:11
Speaker 1: Thank you. In Jesus' name, we pray. Everyone said, Amen.
59:27
Speaker 2: Was copyrighted in 2022 and 2023, and the sound recording
59:32
Speaker 2: was copyrighted in 2023 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc.
59:37
Speaker 1: All rights are reserved worldwide.
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Speaker 2: Duplication of copyrighted material for commercial use is strictly prohibited.