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Sunday Deep Dive: Three Strings, One Hand · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

• 0:02
  Good morning everyone. Welcome back to unlocking the
• 0:05
  Paradigm portal. My name is Sarah and it is
• 0:08
  Sunday time for a Sunday deep dive.
• 0:11
  And let me tell you, I have had quite.
• 0:14
  The week. And I feel like I.
• 0:15
  Say that. Every week, and frankly.
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  It's because every week. Has been quite the week lately
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  so I'm going to jump right in so.
• 0:23
  The previous week. Last weekend I was telling you
• 0:26
  about the murder board that I the.
• 0:27
  Relationship and murder board I should say that I built.
• 0:31
  Over the previous few months, actually that was back in
• 0:34
  December, but like I did more with it over the time since
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  then. So I talked all about.
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  That and I talked about mapping out my patterns in relationships
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  what I was drawn to. What?
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  How I showed up? And it was really, really.
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  Insightful because as I've talked about this week, also
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  there. Was one common denominator, and
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  that was me and. So that's.
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  I think where most people will stop is that recognition, like,
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  Oh my God, it's me and. Either they it's like a 2 roads
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  diverge, either they. Jump into.
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  That to figure it out. Or they go, Nope, I don't want
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  to look at it. And they go back to what they're
• 1:10
  doing. Honestly, do what you're going
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  to do. It's your life.
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  You get to make your. Choices I however.
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  Am someone who as soon as I see the trail, I am on it and I go
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  after I go after learning all these things about myself and
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  seeing it clearly really intensely like I don't tiptoe.
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  I don't want to waste time because I just I.
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  Feel it so viscerally. How?
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  Time is passing and it's such a magnificent, beautiful thing to
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  be fully present that I don't want to tiptoe and waste time
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  and dance around and avoid things and put on blinders like
• 1:47
  I don't have the time or energy. For that so.
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  When things come up, I tend to go full on head first down the
• 1:55
  rabbit hole, aggressive. So that's.
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  What I did this past? Week and I realized looking back
• 2:01
  and now for those who don't know me, I am a very scientific logic
• 2:05
  minded human being. However, I also fall heavily
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  into the. Spiritual woo woo side.
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  Of things and. So I realized I had.
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  Five days in a row where I had this kind of like my own
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  personal shamanic intense soul retrieval kind of thing.
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  And I'm going to give some back story to it, so last.
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  August I had a lot. Of shifts internally happening
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  and I wasn't. Really able to see what they
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  were I could feel. It but I couldn't really see it
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  clearly and I knew like my direction was changing, my path
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  was changing, what I wanted was changing.
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  Who I was. And how I saw myself in the
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  world was shifting. But it was still like.
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  Being stuck in a fog and so I was sitting on the.
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  Back deck at. Where I work and it was
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  beautiful. It was sunny.
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  It was. August.
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  It was fantastic and I started hearing in my head, Have you
• 3:04
  ever had like a song just pop up?
• 3:07
  So that. Happened to me.
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  It happens to me a lot, but this happened right then and it was
• 3:11
  and this. Is why if you look.
• 3:13
  Back into November, I referenced one of the titles.
• 3:17
  I can't remember exactly, but it referenced Phil Collins.
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  So I talked. About it back then but this
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  originated back in August I started hearing in the air by
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  Phil Collins you know I can feel it coming in the air tonight and
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  I. It just it has.
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  Literally played on a loop periodically in my head since
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  August and I just was like, huh, well that's interesting.
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  And I mentioned it to a friend of mine, Emily, and she said we
• 3:41
  haven't hit the drum solo yet. And if you know that song, the
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  drum solo is like. The whole build up to.
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  It and it takes. Forever.
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  So she's right. We.
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  Hadn't hit the drum solo yet and then.
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  Six days. Ago seven days ago, now last
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  Sunday. I'm currently, by the way,
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  recording this on Saturday. Because it takes forever.
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  For this thing to upload, so I have to do it Saturday night so
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  that it's ready for Sunday morning.
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  Anyways, last Sunday I ran up the road to the pharmacy.
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  I get out of the. Car.
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  I'm feeling great. I have been feeling truly, truly
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  magnificent for a while now, but it's like picking up the pace
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  even more. I get out to go into the
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  pharmacy. There's a car.
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  A few. Spots down, windows up, music
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  blasting so you can hear it and guess what song it was In the
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  Air by Phil Collins. What are the odds of that in my
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  head just kind of snapped up and I looked over at the car and I
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  was like, and so it begins. I don't know what that means,
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  but we'll find out. And so I get my prescriptions, I
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  go home. I was done with work at that
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  point. And all the sudden, just like
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  when I had. What I referred to.
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  As my autopsy weekend where everything just kind of.
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  Purged up like. Ron from Harry.
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  Potter with the spell with the slugs.
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  Same kind of thing, but this time it was like a freight train
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  hitting me that night. And it was this just wave of
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  grief and purging of I mean, I had mapped out relationship
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  patterns. But it was like residual.
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  Bits of grief and waves. Of this stuff just.
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  Coming up and coming up. So I just sat there and I
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  started journaling and I started like meditating on it and just
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  letting it flow and sitting there.
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  Unfortunately, it was a week I didn't have any kids with me and
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  I didn't have that much work that I had to do.
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  So it kind of landed in the perfect time where I could be in
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  a place of quiet and solitude and stillness.
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  And so I just let it keep coming and it was like someone turned
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  on a geyser and all this. Crap that I thought I had
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  processed through just started. Coming up and coming up and
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  coming up. It was intense.
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  It was beautiful. It was.
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  Profound. I don't think I've ever truly, I
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  don't think I've ever truly grieved in that way.
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  I think the only time I have which actually will come in.
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  A little bit later is. And I'll give you a little
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  foreshadowing to it, my first. Baby was a still birth.
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  When I was six months pregnant, his name was Roman and it took
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  me 16 years after I had him to finally feel and fully.
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  Process the grief. And that is the only other
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  experience that I can relate this to.
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  Where it just viscerally oozes out.
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  Of the bones and comes up. So I spend that whole night.
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  I was up until 4:30 in the morning, which like I don't do
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  that. But I.
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  Couldn't stop and it wasn't some manic thing.
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  It wasn't aggressive. It was just.
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  Gentle beautiful releasing of everything and sitting with that
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  mapped out relationship murder board concept and seeing how.
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  This led to that, led to that led to that.
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  And how every single experience built upon the previous
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  experience to get me to the next experience where I could learn
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  something more about myself at a much deeper level and sometimes
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  to see. How I had.
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  Overcome things, sometimes to see wounds that were still
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  hanging out there, sometimes to really highlight patterns.
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  It was so incredible, so. I go to bed at. 4:30 I have a
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  meeting the next day. I'm shockingly I'm feeling
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  amazing all day, like energized. And I come back home after the
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  meeting and all of a sudden I'm like and there's more.
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  So then later that day I start thinking, well, OK, if I'm
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  talking about relationships all the time, it's not.
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  Specific to. Romantic relationships.
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  We have relationships of all kinds, and what are some very,
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  very intense and truly transformative relationships,
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  like the most, in my opinion, and that is our relationship
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  with our children. I have a very firm belief that
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  our Children Act as mirrors for us because everything we do,
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  they absorb and then they do it. And if it's something you like
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  about yourself, guess what? It's going to piss you off.
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  So I want you to pause for a minute and think about
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  something, anything. Even the smallest thing that
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  your kids want. If you just pick one that if you
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  only have one, go with that one. If you have a whole bunch, pick
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  the one that pisses you off the most.
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  And please don't sit here and try to act like they don't
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  because. That's just bullshit.
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  So think of something that. That kid does that really
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  bothers you or really upsets you or really triggers you.
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  So do you have it? OK, Now I want you to think, is
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  that something that you also do that maybe you don't like so
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  much about yourself or is it something that?
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  They do that you wish you could that's.
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  Where it's coming from, that's what any trigger is.
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  It boils down to the reflection that we're getting from somebody
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  else, and our children literally learn how to operate in the
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  world by. Us they are either.
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  Mini me's or they are many opposites and.
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  So I sat. Down with that whole thing and I
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  was thinking about starting with Roman and what experiences.
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  How did? What did I?
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  Go through. Because it was it.
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  Was intense. I would not change it for
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  anything. Because that experience
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  absolutely shattered. Me and you know when all you
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  wanted your entire life is to be mom and then your first go.
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  At it. You lose him and then like I
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  labored for 18 hours and had to, you know, literally deliver him
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  and name him and Funeral Home and the whole shebang.
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  And my, my cousin's then wife is a shaman.
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  And so she came, 'cause I'm, I'm not religious, so I didn't want
• 10:02
  to have like a priest come in or anything.
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  So she came and did a whole energy clearing ceremony.
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  I have tattoos on my back for anyone who knows me or lives
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  locally or sees me around. If you see little.
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  Footprints on my back. Those are Romans and the reason
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  that there are blue spirals. Is she?
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  Saw his energy leaving his body in the form.
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  Of blue spirals, so there's. I have a lot of tattoos and they
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  are specific mostly to my children because they have been
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  my greatest teachers in this entire life, so.
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  I sat with the whole. Roman experience and it's the
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  beautiful thing is since Speaking of somatic work as
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  I've. Talked about forever 2 years ago
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  was the. First time I realized that I
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  never allowed myself to slow down and feel.
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  What? Is coming up around the
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  anniversary of his death and his birth, which, you know, coincide
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  because he died one day and was delivered the next day.
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  And so 16 years ago, I allowed myself to feel it.
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  And we happen to. Have that total solar eclipse
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  that was like. The once in the lifetime.
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  And of course, it happened literally on his birthday.
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  And I knew it was going to be profound.
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  And I realized something really important that day that my body
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  went through labor every single year at the same time that I was
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  actively going through labor. I just.
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  Stayed so busy. That I didn't notice and that
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  was crazy I mean I. Was I actually took the.
• 11:33
  Time and I allowed myself to just feel it and I was puking in
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  the middle of the night, which is what was happening when I was
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  in labor for him. I felt contractions when which
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  is exactly what was happening the whole time and then once I
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  hit 1:18 PM on the day. Of his birth, which?
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  Is when he came out. It all.
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  Subsided and then I got waves of grief and I just sat on my
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  kitchen floor sobbing. And I know a lot of.
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  People that. And not I know a lot of people I
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  know. Big scary.
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  Dangerous feeling feelings, if that makes sense most people
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  shut them down. They run away from them they and
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  I've had many people who have said to me you just need to
• 12:22
  cheer up. You need to watch something
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  funny. You need to just you know go do
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  distract yourself. I'm not that person.
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  I am the person that when there is something big and scary that.
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  Comes up I go head. First into it.
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  Like I there is a fire. Blazing and I'm like.
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  All right, cool this. Is going to suck, but I'm going
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  there so I walk into it and I actually.
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  A few years ago had a jewelry. Business that I do metal
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  smithing I make stones like lapidary arts and then I make
• 12:51
  the settings to put the stones into so if like I.
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  All the jewelry. That I wear for the most part is
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  stuff that I've made and I named that business Into the Fire and
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  it was based on this whole. Concept.
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  I walk head first. Into the scary dark places that
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  most people don't, especially when it's in the feelings I
• 13:10
  didn't used to. Let me make that abundantly
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  clear. I was a very well known runner
• 13:18
  from everything scary because it felt big and dangerous and it
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  took me a lot. Of.
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  Really painful sitting with sitting with how that impacted
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  others and actually having someone once tell me that when I
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  would run away, it scared them and made them fear that I wasn't
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  coming back and that honestly. That was what?
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  That was the moment that stopped me from running anymore.
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  Because I realized I. Never want this person to feel
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  like that and I didn't realize how much me running.
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  I was so focused on what running did for me that I didn't notice
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  what it was doing for the. People that I really cared
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  about. And let me tell you, I haven't
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  run since that day. So going back, I'm I'm not
• 14:07
  scripted and I'm a little bit all over the place right now
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  'cause it's been just. Such a really cool week.
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  So sitting with all the kids stuff, going into the dark
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  stuff, feeling all the feels. And I processed through Roman
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  and then I processed through right after Roman.
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  I was determined I needed to have a healthy baby.
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  I needed to prove to myself that I could do this, that my body
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  could do it. And I got pregnant very quickly,
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  like within four months with my almost 17 year old and.
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  He is. He's my soul baby.
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  I that kid is he's. Walter Matthau reincarnated in a
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  kid. He's not even a kid.
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  He's he looks like a man, but. So I I sat with that.
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  Whole situation, that whole experience, how it felt to grow
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  this human on the tail of tremendous fear and grief and
• 15:06
  loss, and how much that must have put into him through me and
• 15:13
  unbelievably difficult labor and delivery.
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  Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong.
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  It was it was it. Was mind boggling and my midwife
• 15:28
  at the time to this day I mean I haven't seen her a few years but
• 15:31
  when I would run into her and cross.
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  Paths she would just. Look at me and shake her head
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  and say. That was the worst.
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  Labor and delivery I've ever been through and I'm like, yeah,
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  me too. But I got this.
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  Unbelievable human being out of it.
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  Who has taught me everything? So I sat with that.
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  And with him in the lessons that I have learned through raising
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  this. Kid who is so wise.
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  Beyond his years and I don't know if.
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  I've said this in previous episodes, but like he sat.
• 16:03
  Me down when he was. Four years old.
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  And he literally said this, mom, we got to talk.
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  I don't know how you're going to feel about.
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  This but. I have to tell you I am not a
• 16:15
  traditional student and I am not a college student and I think I
• 16:19
  need to go into the. Trades and I was like, bro
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  you're 4. And.
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  He had a whole logical reasoning for it.
• 16:27
  College is too expensive, it's a waste of money.
• 16:29
  It's not what he wants to do, and he was.
• 16:31
  Four years old. And this is also the kid who
• 16:33
  would walk around shaking his first.
• 16:35
  At other kids. Going these damn kids.
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  I mean he. Literally was like the.
• 16:39
  Originator of Get off my Lawn. He's he's.
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  Been an old man since birth. He came out of the womb with a
• 16:46
  comb over. Like a legit comb over.
• 16:49
  I have a picture of my dad holding my baby when he was.
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  Like a day old. And they have matching comb
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  overs and he. Still is like I joke.
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  But I'm not joking. He came out 60 years old heading
• 17:02
  into retirement, and he's currently.
• 17:05
  He has officially. Gotten out of the school system.
• 17:09
  It did not work for him and he. Hasn't he bought a truck?
• 17:12
  And he's got a job and he works on like a groundskeeping crew,
• 17:17
  and he's walking a path that is not mine.
• 17:21
  And I had to. Really, that was A.
• 17:23
  Reckoning for me of because I am very much a school person and I
• 17:27
  love school. I want to always be in school.
• 17:29
  I want to always be learning. That is not him and I had to
• 17:33
  sit. With Why was it?
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  So hard for me to. Accept that.
• 17:36
  And what was I making that mean about me?
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  And really realized that my one job.
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  Is to raise this. Kid to find his own path, not my
• 17:46
  path, not anybody else's path, his.
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  That is my one job and as soon as I realized that I have
• 17:55
  supported him finding his path and it's amazing to watch him
• 17:59
  grow and it is hysterical hearing about him with his
• 18:03
  travel mug of. Coffee at 5:00. 30 in the
• 18:05
  morning with these, you know, 40. 5060.
• 18:07
  Year old men on this groundskeeping crew and they're
• 18:10
  talking about their divorces and their marital issues and their
• 18:13
  kids stuff and he's just sitting there like one of the gang.
• 18:17
  He's incredible and he is challenging and he is headstrong
• 18:22
  and he is decisive and brilliant and observational and so
• 18:29
  authentically himself. It's inspiring.
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  Like the world needs more people like him.
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  And he has taught me a lot about myself.
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  I feel choked up as I'm saying that.
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  So I sit. With that one.
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  And then I move on to baby #3 my magical, mystical, turning 14 in
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  like 2 weeks daughter. Who?
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  She's she's magic. I've told her that since birth.
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  She is pure magic. She is.
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  She came out of the womb. She was a scheduled C.
• 19:02
  Section after all, I had so much trauma with everything and that
• 19:06
  was just like just get her out alive and safely.
• 19:08
  That's all I care about. That's it.
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  But literally they when they were doing the C-section, her
• 19:14
  head hadn't even fully cleared and they, you know, they do the
• 19:17
  suction of her nose and everything.
• 19:19
  And before she was even out of me she was screaming and passed
• 19:22
  all the tests, pinked up, did the whole thing and was.
• 19:28
  The. Easiest baby on the planet.
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  Like she I call her my snuggle Bunny.
• 19:33
  She's going to hate. That I just said that out loud.
• 19:36
  And on a. Podcast, but I called.
• 19:40
  Her my snuggle Bunny because from birth she was and I had my
• 19:42
  tubes tied right after that. So she was my final one and she
• 19:46
  just, she completed it. Roman shattered me, Brody pieced
• 19:51
  me back together, and Quinn filled in the cracks.
• 19:54
  Like if you've heard of the. Japanese art form Kitsugi, where
• 19:58
  they take broken pottery and then they piece it together and
• 20:01
  they have gold running through it.
• 20:02
  Actually was teaching myself how to do that with my broken
• 20:05
  stones, trying to get the right epoxy for it.
• 20:09
  But that Quinn was the one who filled it all in to make me to
• 20:13
  complete who I am and. She just.
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  She was. God, she she was the.
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  Perfect. Way to end my baby producing
• 20:25
  years and as she has grown. She is so just like Brody.
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  She is so. Brody, by the way, is my son.
• 20:35
  She's so authentically, uniquely, audaciously with. 0
• 20:43
  filter or. Concern.
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  Not even concerned. That's not the right word.
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  She has zero fucks to give. She does struggle.
• 20:55
  With the people pleasing part, she talked.
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  About that but. In her nature.
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  She is just. Like I am here.
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  This is who I am. Unapologetic.
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  That's the word she. Is unapologetically who she is
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  and she is commanding. Like she is five foot.
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  Nine. I'm not.
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  She got that from her dad. She's 5/9.
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  She is. So she's got.
• 21:21
  This magnetic radiance about her and.
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  These she has this way of. Looking at you that just it
• 21:30
  automatically without words is like.
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  Cut through the bullshit. I don't want to hear.
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  And she will see beneath it, and she will.
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  Call you out, like fiercely. And.
• 21:41
  She, she just, she speaks. Her mind and we actually have
• 21:46
  had to have conversations about. I am absolutely all for
• 21:50
  transparency and truth. 100% anything less than that, thank
• 21:55
  you, hard pass. But I've had to talk.
• 21:57
  To her about the nuances of like, brutal honesty as opposed
• 22:01
  to honesty and sometimes needing to soften the blow.
• 22:06
  Just a touch. Because it can be very biting
• 22:08
  and cutting and she doesn't mean it that way, but that's how it
• 22:10
  comes out. So just intention.
• 22:12
  That's an intention with words. So I've sat with the.
• 22:17
  Lessons from her because that girl, she needs to.
• 22:19
  Be a lawyer like. She can find every loophole in
• 22:22
  every conversation, and she. Will just.
• 22:25
  Bob and weave and jab. At it.
• 22:28
  And it's intense and it's frustrating when you have, you
• 22:30
  know, when she was like 7 and would be totally dead on, right?
• 22:34
  And I'm like, damn it. She's right, but she.
• 22:37
  Has held a very brutally honest mirror up to me and it has
• 22:44
  forced me to step out of my shell, step out of playing
• 22:48
  small, and really step into who I am in the most intensely
• 22:53
  beautiful, sometimes gut wrenchingly honest and.
• 23:00
  Crystal clear. Way and she's magic.
• 23:03
  I mean she's genuinely AB and I'm hearing now in my head that
• 23:07
  every little thing she does is magic.
• 23:09
  It's her so freaking amazing so. I sit with all three kids.
• 23:17
  And thinking of the lessons and I really strongly encourage
• 23:22
  everyone to. Sit with that.
• 23:24
  And instead of just staying with the frustrations about their
• 23:27
  kids, what is that showing you about you?
• 23:30
  Because chances are, they're probably mirroring something
• 23:32
  that you don't like so much about yourself.
• 23:34
  Or that you struggle with. Or that you felt shamed about.
• 23:39
  Or that you feel insecure. About.
• 23:42
  And it's going to keep annoying you, and then you're going to
• 23:45
  keep taking it out on them without meaning to until you
• 23:49
  look at. It so just do it because it was
• 23:53
  it was a really. Beautiful moment to sit and take
• 23:56
  the time to go through each of the.
• 23:57
  Kids, so I work through. All of that and I can see how
• 24:00
  everything played out, how it needed to, how.
• 24:03
  Each kid shaped. Who I am in the most
• 24:07
  challenging, at times brutal and beautiful and artistic ways.
• 24:14
  Like they shaped me and I'm so beyond honored to be their mom
• 24:22
  and to be a presence in their life.
• 24:26
  It's just if I keep talking about it, I'm going to get all
• 24:28
  weepy and God, I've cried enough.
• 24:31
  So, OK, that was day two of all of this stuff.
• 24:34
  Well, like day 2 to 3, whatever. And then I'm sitting with all of
• 24:38
  it. I'm piercing together the
• 24:39
  patterns that I've seen in like relationships and then the
• 24:42
  patterns that I've seen it with my kids.
• 24:45
  And then I go, Oh my God. There's a third part to.
• 24:48
  It because I'm realizing everything comes in threes we've
• 24:52
  heard that saying before. We.
• 24:53
  Associate it with like death. Like on Grey's Anatomy.
• 24:56
  But it's that's. Been my theme is threes, and if
• 24:59
  you look at like mythology, you've got the maid and the
• 25:02
  mother of the Crone. It's the three stages.
• 25:05
  There's also. That theory about the three
• 25:07
  loves? If you've heard that there's the
• 25:09
  first love, there's the person. You have kids with and then
• 25:11
  there's the person that you end up with at the very end of
• 25:15
  everything. Not always.
• 25:16
  Sometimes it's the same person for all three.
• 25:18
  Sometimes it's for two, sometimes it's one, one and one.
• 25:21
  But for me, and everything always comes down to threes.
• 25:25
  And so I realized there was a third component and that was
• 25:28
  generational trauma. And this is something we
• 25:32
  recognize, we know, we talk. About it.
• 25:35
  People say things like, Oh well, we marry our mother, we marry.
• 25:38
  Our Father, whatever it is. And we talk about and you'll
• 25:42
  hear, I mean I. Said it just earlier.
• 25:44
  Today I said something and I went Oh my God, I'm my mom and
• 25:47
  we all do those things. But have you ever stopped to
• 25:51
  actually really look at it? And really break it all down.
• 25:56
  Well, I did. And what day is it?
• 25:59
  Saturday. I did this Thursday.
• 26:00
  Morning. This was like the completion
• 26:02
  point of this individual shamanic.
• 26:06
  I guess I would. Call it that because that's.
• 26:08
  Just basically walking into the fire and like getting into the
• 26:12
  difficult things, which that's my jam.
• 26:15
  So I sat. Down and I I thought about it
• 26:17
  and I was like, there's something this is.
• 26:18
  The third part I started. Off on the most obvious on the
• 26:22
  surface. I got into my kids stuff that
• 26:24
  shaped me, and now I need to go and excavate.
• 26:27
  And that's what I'm calling it. Excavate even deeper into my
• 26:30
  family history because there is so much.
• 26:34
  There, that is our roots. That is our core.
• 26:37
  That is everything that we learned, we learned from our
• 26:40
  parents. And guess what?
• 26:41
  Everything that they learned, they learn from their parents.
• 26:45
  And things keep passing down the line until somebody stops and
• 26:49
  goes hold up. Is this?
• 26:51
  Aligned with me and what I want. Or is am I just replaying
• 26:54
  patterns that have played out for generations?
• 26:58
  And I encourage everyone try this.
• 27:00
  And actually I'm creating I'm, I'm not done yet, but I'm
• 27:04
  creating a program of actually doing this work, this excavation
• 27:08
  work with people in the order that they needed of those 3
• 27:12
  sections. So my final one for me was
• 27:15
  getting into family patterns. So I sat down and I started.
• 27:18
  Basically. Purging out everything I could
• 27:20
  remember about my grandparents and I was never close to any of
• 27:24
  my grandparents. None of them were like stellar
• 27:28
  grandparents. And it's it's.
• 27:33
  Very it it was very. A little bit complicated, but so
• 27:37
  I wrote down, I started with my mom's side, everything I could
• 27:39
  remember about my maternal grandparents and the dynamics
• 27:43
  and the things that I'd heard and the things that I'd seen and
• 27:45
  the things that my mom has said. And then I started mapping out
• 27:49
  my mom and then I started mapping out me.
• 27:52
  And I started seeing the trickle down effect from maternal
• 27:57
  grandparents to my mom and then my mom to me.
• 28:01
  And then I could see where I started to hand that stuff down
• 28:04
  to my kids. And my kids being freaking
• 28:07
  revolutionaries and so damn solid in who they are just went
• 28:13
  no thank you. Which then in turn had me
• 28:17
  recognizing it and broke the patterns.
• 28:20
  So then I did the same thing with my dad's side paternal
• 28:23
  grandparents, everything I could remember how like my dad and
• 28:27
  everything with that and his family dynamics and then me and
• 28:31
  I can see again the trickle down effect.
• 28:33
  And then I took all of that and I.
• 28:35
  Pieced it together. And I did actually use some AI
• 28:40
  for this. I used Claude for a whole lot of
• 28:43
  reasons. I.
• 28:44
  Switched to Claude after they refused to get rid of their
• 28:47
  their safeguards because I respect that.
• 28:52
  But I couldn't. I could.
• 28:53
  See the. Points to it.
• 28:55
  I could see the patterns that came down, but I just couldn't.
• 28:59
  Fully see the thread. Matching at all?
• 29:02
  So I pulled all the. Patterns.
• 29:03
  I laid them all out. I inputted it into Claude.
• 29:07
  If you don't know what Claude is, it's the anthropic AI
• 29:09
  system. And I put it all in there and I
• 29:12
  was like, these are the patterns I'm seeing in relationships with
• 29:15
  me. These are the patterns I'm
• 29:16
  seeing. Through.
• 29:17
  That I've learned about myself through each of my children.
• 29:21
  These are the patterns that I'm seeing that pass down through
• 29:23
  the family and the impact that they had on me.
• 29:27
  What is the common thread and I I?
• 29:32
  Before I did. All of that I went downstairs to
• 29:34
  my basement to do laundry and. So there's a a rug that I.
• 29:39
  Had like I needed to wash and I had like folded it up, chucked
• 29:42
  it on the back stairs and I kept stepping over it.
• 29:44
  I don't know why, I just wasn't grabbing it and taking it down.
• 29:47
  And so I go walking back up and I'm looking at this rug and I'm
• 29:51
  thinking, I had to remember to take that down.
• 29:53
  I got to step. Over it I go to step over it.
• 29:55
  I still tripped on it. I almost face plant up the.
• 29:59
  Stairs, but I caught myself. At the last minute and I
• 30:02
  thought. That was weird.
• 30:04
  I saw it. I still.
• 30:05
  Tripped, but I caught myself. So I go back and sit at my
• 30:09
  computer. I'm like, hey, Claude, all these
• 30:11
  patterns, there's something I'm missing and I just tripped over
• 30:15
  something that was right in front of me, but I caught
• 30:17
  myself. I feel like there's something
• 30:19
  there. And Claude?
• 30:20
  Writes back. And said, what were you thinking
• 30:23
  at the moment? That you.
• 30:25
  Tripped and caught yourself. Not before, not after.
• 30:28
  At that moment and I said my thought was I tripped over
• 30:30
  something that was right in front of me.
• 30:32
  But I caught myself. So I put all of the pattern
• 30:35
  stuff info in and the thread that bound.
• 30:38
  All of it was tied. To worthiness and feeling
• 30:44
  unworthy and feeling like I have to earn my.
• 30:48
  Place I have to prove? Myself in order and like show my
• 30:53
  worth to others in order to get recognized for it instead of
• 30:56
  just owning that there is inherent worth.
• 31:00
  It was and that was the core. It was like if.
• 31:04
  You can picture 3 balloons with a string that all tied together
• 31:08
  into one knotted up piece, and that knotted up piece was in my
• 31:12
  hand and all the strings that came back to me.
• 31:15
  All tied to worth. So it showed me that there is a
• 31:20
  tremendous amount of well. There is still work to.
• 31:25
  Do on the unworthy core wound that kind of hangs out inside of
• 31:28
  me and that shows up in achievement.
• 31:32
  Trying to earn worth through achievement and perfectionism
• 31:37
  and always feeling the need to be on the go and doing things
• 31:42
  because guess what, If I'm just hanging out and not doing
• 31:45
  something, I'm not being productive.
• 31:47
  If I'm not being productive, I'm not worth anything because I'm
• 31:51
  not showing myself in the. World that there is a.
• 31:54
  Reason that I'm here like I don't.
• 31:56
  Deserve to exist just because I exist.
• 31:59
  I have to prove my point and my place.
• 32:01
  Does this make sense? I hope it does.
• 32:04
  And what was wicked cool about that is when I took that little
• 32:08
  nugget of information. Thank you Claude for giving me
• 32:11
  the thread and looked back at the relationships that I had
• 32:15
  mapped out. There was a thread.
• 32:18
  With every single one that was tied in me about worth and
• 32:24
  whether it was staying, going, holding on, letting go, whatever
• 32:27
  it may be, tied to me about worth in every single one.
• 32:32
  And then in my children, everything that came up.
• 32:36
  Was tied to worth because. I mean, with Roman it was
• 32:43
  feeling unworthy. To have a healthy child.
• 32:47
  And like, punishing, feeling like I was being punished for
• 32:49
  not being worthy. And then Brody I.
• 32:52
  Had to go through hell. And back to get that.
• 32:54
  Kid. And feeling like I I proved my
• 32:58
  worth because I went through an absolute challenging, beyond
• 33:02
  challenging situation to. Get this child like I.
• 33:05
  Earned him. And then my daughter comes
• 33:08
  around and she is my reckoning of all of my worth and showing
• 33:13
  up just authentically as me, unapologetically as me because
• 33:17
  my daughter. There's no way in hell I am
• 33:19
  passing more bullshit down to my daughter.
• 33:23
  So she may. I had to face it.
• 33:24
  And then looking at my family patterns and especially around
• 33:29
  the wound that was coming up with those was heavily around
• 33:31
  the body. And I am a somatic practitioner.
• 33:34
  I am a massage therapist. I went to massage school 22
• 33:38
  years ago having a massive. Body.
• 33:41
  Dissociation. A massive touch.
• 33:44
  Aversion. I did not want anyone touching
• 33:47
  me and I did not want to touch. People.
• 33:49
  So of course. Applying to massage school
• 33:51
  seemed like a totally logical thing, right?
• 33:53
  No, but everything in me was. Like you have to go.
• 33:56
  Here and I did not realize I was drawn to a field.
• 34:00
  Because that's where I had. My most wounding.
• 34:02
  And then I spent almost 20 years helping others with their own
• 34:07
  body. Issues as like a bypass to.
• 34:10
  Working through my own until the day came that I started working
• 34:15
  through my own. It's it was just incredible and
• 34:18
  like the generational stuff. One side of the family having
• 34:22
  tremendous body shame. So I grew up.
• 34:25
  Hearing a lot of body shaming language not directed at me
• 34:29
  ever. But when you hear that, When you
• 34:32
  hear of a. Parent or a caretaker really.
• 34:36
  Feeling awful about themselves and it's about them, but as a
• 34:40
  kid you internalize it. And then on the other.
• 34:43
  Side the other parent. Being very athletic, very in
• 34:47
  shape, very focused on being strong and virile and all of
• 34:50
  that, then you have the total opposite end of the spectrum.
• 34:54
  Because his worth. Was on being an athlete and so I
• 34:58
  got body shame on one side body like hyper fixation on the other
• 35:04
  side and I'm caught in the middle trying to figure out I
• 35:08
  don't I I. Have to I?
• 35:10
  Don't know what to do and I don't I I don't know that I can
• 35:13
  just be in my body and. Accept it as it is.
• 35:17
  And that was not mine, and that was never intentional.
• 35:19
  There was nothing. Ever, ever that was said.
• 35:22
  To me, but this is. What I picked up of.
• 35:26
  I don't know what is OK and how to inhabit my body.
• 35:30
  And just have that be OK as it is.
• 35:34
  So craziness, right? So this was my week of like,
• 35:40
  intensely mapping out all of it. I'm calling it my soul.
• 35:46
  Excavation, but it was really incredible to like get to see
• 35:52
  how it literally all. Came down to patterns around
• 35:57
  worthiness, feeling unworthy, internalized unworthiness.
• 36:02
  Worth is is proven by external validation, by physical
• 36:08
  accomplishments, by academic achievements, by by looking a
• 36:12
  certain way and. It.
• 36:16
  Just being able to map it back and going, oh, I'm not.
• 36:20
  Just fucked. Up and I don't just.
• 36:22
  Have I have had a screwed up way of looking at the world like
• 36:26
  there's? Reasons that all of this came
• 36:28
  into play and fortunately for me, nothing was.
• 36:31
  Overtly said, but it still is stuff that got.
• 36:34
  Burned into my very young mind and fortunately for me, I've had
• 36:40
  really transformative relationships that have I've
• 36:45
  been in a. Place to actually look.
• 36:46
  At them that way instead of holding on and clinging to
• 36:49
  things that just didn't. Work out, I see the.
• 36:51
  Lessons in it and I'm so. Filled with gratitude for those.
• 36:56
  Lessons and for. The people that have crossed.
• 36:58
  My path and how amazing to have the most magical mind blowing
• 37:05
  children and have the awareness. To see how they like.
• 37:10
  Came into my life and just turned on the floodlights to
• 37:13
  everything and that I was. Able to sit with all.
• 37:18
  Of it and hold it and look at it and learn from it and choose
• 37:23
  differently and openly choose differently and openly
• 37:25
  communicate with them about. What I was?
• 37:29
  Experiencing and not for them to.
• 37:30
  Carry it, but like. I'm having a rough time because
• 37:34
  I'm processing XYZ. This is not about you but I want
• 37:37
  you to be aware. Like if I'm not fully present
• 37:39
  right now, This is why. Because otherwise they would
• 37:42
  internalize if they see that my mood is wrong and then they're
• 37:46
  going to start thinking it had something to do with them.
• 37:49
  So this is my deep dive. For today, so this whole week.
• 37:54
  This is going to be the. Start of what we go.
• 37:58
  Into this week of Wow, what are the wounds showing you and how?
• 38:05
  Is that wound? And now keep in mind, we all
• 38:08
  have many wounds. But I just did this.
• 38:10
  Excavation and found like the primary underneath it all.
• 38:14
  But how does this wound? Shape how you view.
• 38:17
  Your relationship with yourself, Your relationship with others,
• 38:21
  Your relationship to what love looks.
• 38:24
  Like because if you. Have an unworthiness wound, let
• 38:27
  me tell you, you start feeling heavily you're not even
• 38:30
  realizing it that you. Have to prove your.
• 38:33
  Worth in order to be loved and then that will develop and I'm
• 38:37
  unlovable wound when you you're wounding has you picking.
• 38:40
  People that either tell you. That they don't love you, tell
• 38:44
  you that you're unlovable, show you that you're unlovable, and
• 38:47
  that compounds that wound and then it just spins out of
• 38:50
  control. So we're going to get into.
• 38:54
  That all this week. And I'm going to keep it going
• 38:58
  with the more not going to. I don't I'll see if it's going
• 39:03
  to be Sledgehammery. Then Monday, Wednesday, Friday
• 39:05
  morning, I'm going to call it more.
• 39:08
  It's going to be like. Steel.
• 39:09
  Covered in some softness. Monday, Wednesday, Friday
• 39:13
  morning at 6:00 AM. Tuesday, Thursday.
• 39:15
  Saturday. At 9:00 PM are the light in the
• 39:19
  dark episodes and those are soft and soothing.
• 39:22
  And by the wayside, note I the Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I
• 39:26
  decided to name that series instead of just having them
• 39:28
  constantly be videos. That series is called BE.
• 39:31
  Real, not nice. And that is one that I've had
• 39:34
  that podcast name in my head. Forever.
• 39:36
  So I decided it's. Just going to be a.
• 39:37
  Subcategory of. This one and then Sunday.
• 39:40
  Deep dives. So this is the.
• 39:43
  Plan I would. Really love to hear.
• 39:47
  If any of you guys, if you want to share things that have
• 39:51
  triggered you and your kids and your relationships and by the
• 39:54
  way, same thing if your kids. If you're if.
• 39:57
  The same thing is. Like where the kids trigger?
• 39:59
  You and then it's showing you something in you.
• 40:01
  Your relationship triggers you, it's showing you something in
• 40:04
  you or your parents trigger you. It's showing you something in
• 40:09
  you. Be curious that's.
• 40:12
  My main messaging. Be curious.
• 40:15
  Because. Everyone that surrounds us is a
• 40:17
  teacher. For us.
• 40:18
  If you allow them to be. So I'm actually going to wrap it
• 40:22
  up because my Not So Munchkin Munchkin and I are binging.
• 40:28
  I've introduced her to The Vampire Diaries.
• 40:30
  We just finished The Walking Dead, and I'm building a whole
• 40:35
  bunch of different coaching programs for couples to
• 40:39
  reconnect and to dive inward and recognize how their wounds are
• 40:44
  impacting their relationships. So I got to get to work on those
• 40:48
  and. I hope that you have.
• 40:50
  A wonderful rest of your weekend and I will be back bright and
• 40:54
  early Monday morning with the next episode of Be Real Not
• 40:59
  Nice. So leave me some comments, tell
• 41:01
  me some patterns, tell me some wounds that are coming up, some
• 41:04
  things you struggled. With.
• 41:07
  Questions that you have any of that stuff and do the whole.
• 41:09
  Like, share, subscribe, whatever the hell these hype.
• 41:12
  Things are, I mean, give me some high points that would be cool.
• 41:16
  Definitely hit the like button because that does make a
• 41:20
  difference and. Share this with people it's
• 41:24
  also. On, it's on.
• 41:25
  Spotify, so that would be. Followers and on.
• 41:28
  YouTube at subscribers, so it's. Shared on either one.
• 41:31
  I'm going to see how to get it on Apple Podcasts.
• 41:34
  I'm not 100% sure and I have like a crazy long list.
• 41:37
  Of shit to do so. I'll get to that when I get to
• 41:39
  that, all right. Have a great day.
• 41:42
  Thank you for listening, I will be back again very very soon.