Latest / The Parenting Podcast / So how do we DO our Family Reality? | Ep. 42

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So how do we DO our Family Reality? | Ep. 42 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:00
  Cheryl: So this is just three of Usay Christie and me because.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: Ellen's sick.
• 1:06
  Cheryl: I hate that.
• 1:08
  Cheryl: I know.
• 1:08
  Cheryl: And she may have the big C she hasn't tested yet, but, um, it's trendy right now.
• 1:14
  Cheryl: Cause our president has for the second time in two weeks.
• 1:16
  Cheryl: Yeah, man,
• 1:18
  Danae: we have a Big celebration this weekend, my mom's turning 80 and it's really gonna be your mom, like a family reunion.
• 1:24
  Danae: And so, yeah, we're, we're nervous about that.
• 1:27
  Danae: We've had some people have it recently, but we're having everyone test before we meet, just so we don't have to worry about it.
• 1:35
  Danae: Yeah.
• 1:35
  Danae: Wow.
• 1:35
  Danae: You know, but something may still happen, but I was like, I wouldn't wanna be the one that everyone
• 1:40
  Christie: got in favor.
• 1:41
  Christie: You're wanting to
• 1:41
  Cheryl: give no.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: Well, you know, let's go back three years, 2019.
• 1:46
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 1:47
  Cheryl: Imagine if you said, oh, guess what?
• 1:49
  Cheryl: you know, we're having a big party and everybody's testing what in the world do you mean?
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Everybody's testing.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: Oh,
• 1:57
  Danae: wow.
• 1:57
  Danae: Huh?
• 1:58
  Cheryl: It was so, okay.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: Well, what did y'all think about Dr.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: Stevens interview?
• 2:05
  Cheryl: Uh, it was so good.
• 2:06
  Christie: It was so it was so
• 2:07
  Danae: good, but I, I just keep wondering what kind of deodorant y'all use
• 2:12
  Cheryl: well, I
• 2:13
  Christie: used native,
• 2:14
  Cheryl: no, wait me too.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: So do I, what?
• 2:18
  Cheryl: Well and
• 2:18
  Christie: safe.
• 2:18
  Christie: That's funny
• 2:19
  Cheryl: Decades ago, someone introduced me to the DEO rock.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Oh, uh, okay.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: The mineral
• 2:25
  I
• 2:25
  Christie: that, yeah.
• 2:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:26
  Christie: I think you introduced it to
• 2:27
  Danae: me that did not last long
• 2:29
  Cheryl: So it worked fairly well.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm But.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: Doesn't last long mm-hmm so my daughter introduced me to native.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: I'm very pleased with it.
• 2:38
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm so they've
• 2:40
  Christie: got all line of products.
• 2:40
  Christie: I
• 2:40
  Cheryl: love all their stuff.
• 2:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: So how native do you wanna sponsor us?
• 2:45
  Cheryl: We'll be glad to, deodorant
• 2:47
  Danae: for life.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: okay, so You wanna talk about Kelly?
• 2:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: He,
• 2:52
  Danae: a lot of great
• 2:53
  Cheryl: things to say, One mom commented and, and this is what she said, yeah.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Oh, I appreciate the episode so much.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: And it was very helpful to remind us to say we about our family culture and identity, but not we about the individual struggles of the children or even the parents.
• 3:11
  Cheryl: Yes
• 3:12
  Christie: mm-hmm that was really, I feel like, gosh, we could sit here and talk just a whole episode on that one.
• 3:17
  Christie: That's
• 3:17
  Cheryl: really good.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: Christy.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: Why don't we do that?
• 3:20
  Cheryl: So why don't we.
• 3:21
  Cheryl: Next time, come in and let's talk about the, when we say we, and when we don't.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 3:26
  Cheryl: Like what Dr.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: Coley was talking about.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:28
  Cheryl: I'd love that.
• 3:29
  Cheryl: Okay, good.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: So instead, let's go back.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: And and redefine, because if you haven't listened to the episode Dr.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: Stevens, I have a problem.
• 3:37
  Cheryl: Not saying Kelly because we're friends.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: So go ahead.
• 3:40
  Cheryl: I wanna show him respect, but So what he was talking about is.
• 3:45
  Cheryl: Create your own family reality mm-hmm and then he defined that and said your identity or your reality is who you are being on a regular basis.
• 3:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm repeatedly acting in a certain way.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: That would suggest you have that identity mm-hmm
• 4:02
  Danae: yeah.
• 4:03
  Danae: When I listened to the episode, I was thinking about that and thinking about, you know, what, what are some things that would mark my family and our identity.
• 4:13
  Danae: And, how we had had, um, Funeral in our family recently.
• 4:18
  Danae: And, um, my kids all came in town and really loved on their grandparents.
• 4:25
  Danae: Oh yeah.
• 4:26
  Danae: Mimi and doc.
• 4:28
  Danae: And they, they went over and just spent hours, you know, spending time with them, listening to them and, and comforting them.
• 4:34
  Danae: And, and even though there was a great.
• 4:36
  Danae: Of their aunt mm-hmm of, you know, I could just tell Mimi and doc were just, just loving having all of their grandkids there.
• 4:45
  Danae: And I thought about how we, we really started that value when they were little mm-hmm you know, when it was time for, for birthdays or mother's day father's day holidays that maybe we couldn't be with the grandparents.
• 5:00
  Danae: Mm-hmm I had the kids write.
• 5:02
  Danae: Homemade birthday cards.
• 5:04
  Danae: Oh.
• 5:05
  Danae: And send things or, or make a phone call and make sure they, they talked to them and I thought, wow, we really did start that.
• 5:13
  Danae: Early in their lives that we value these relationships.
• 5:18
  Danae: And we did these, you know, seemingly small practical steps, but, um, we were consistent in them.
• 5:24
  Danae: Right.
• 5:24
  Danae: So to see, you know, the fruit of that yes.
• 5:27
  Danae: Happen now as their adults.
• 5:29
  Danae: And I thought, okay, there's, there's an example of, yeah.
• 5:32
  Danae: Some, we valued something that was our family identity and, and seeing how that worked out over.
• 5:37
  Danae: A long period
• 5:38
  Christie: of time.
• 5:39
  Christie: Right.
• 5:39
  Christie: I love that.
• 5:40
  Christie: It it's like Dr.
• 5:41
  Christie: Stevens had said, you know, the, the value, and then you found ways to have your actions and your behaviors feed into what you value as a family.
• 5:49
  Christie: Mm-hmm
• 5:50
  Cheryl: yeah.
• 5:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I think that's really it I got feedback from several.
• 5:55
  Cheryl: Parents that said, you know, how do we do this?
• 5:59
  Cheryl: Where do we start?
• 6:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I like the word that you said.
• 6:03
  Cheryl: I think that we have to start with our values.
• 6:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that?
• 6:06
  Cheryl: That's what we do.
• 6:07
  Cheryl: We mm-hmm so we can develop to say this is our identity or this is our reality.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: we've taken the time to figure out what our values are.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: Hmm.
• 6:19
  Danae: Yeah, I don't think I really formally sat down and, and necessarily made a list of what my values were.
• 6:26
  Danae: Um, but yeah, I think like in that example, I valued these people in my life, the grandparents, you know?
• 6:34
  Danae: And so then I was modeling that to my children
• 6:39
  Cheryl: And that's one of the things I like mm-hmm you know, because people say, well, I value honesty.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but they cheat on the income tax right.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: Like the example, keep the money and the change and they don't do honesty..
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I think kids see through the sham.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm they, they can smell the hypocrite a long way away.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: Oh, right.
• 7:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm And so that's why it's really important.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: to live out what I believe mm-hmm because my children will come to the conclusion of what I actually believe.
• 7:16
  Danae: our kids are watching us mm-hmm and whether we know our values or not, they are showing we all are living out our values.
• 7:25
  Cheryl: For example.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: I mean, I'm older than everybody.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: And so I've made more mistakes than anybody.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: So I can just sit here and you know, I have a lot of good examples of where I blew it.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: And one that I've kind of mentioned before.
• 7:38
  Cheryl: Where I was talking to my girls about apologizing.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: Well, because they had gotten to a little TIFF with each other, and I was talking about how we had to apologize mm-hmm and reconcile and one of'em said, well, I wouldn't have done that, but you were so obnoxious Mm.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: And so then I did the really great parenting thing and saying, no, remember when we apologized, we're taking full responsibility for our part and not using anyone else's excuse.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: So we shouldn't say, but, and then she turned straight to me and said, you do.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: Oh, okay.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: And then she nailed me on an example that was recent mm-hmm and it was one, we were running late and, and I said, hurry, get in the car, get in the car.
• 8:21
  Cheryl: And I wasn't speaking at a gentle tone mm-hmm and then, I apologized using the reason for why we had to hurry for the grandmother.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but the point was, she nailed me That's what you were modeling to.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: I was modeling on it.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: And so then I had the much bigger opportunity.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Am I gonna.
• 8:39
  Cheryl: Honesty and transparency, or am I gonna figure a way, how to fish tail my way out of this?
• 8:46
  Cheryl: And I'm really thankful because I said, you're right.
• 8:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know,
• 8:49
  Danae: this is convicting me, yes.
• 8:51
  Danae: we all are living out our values.
• 8:53
  Danae: Whether we.
• 8:54
  Danae: Book about them that we've written them down or not.
• 8:57
  Danae: And I think what my kids saw me do a lot was valuing keeping the peace.
• 9:05
  Danae: And I'm putting that in quotations.
• 9:07
  Danae: Mm-hmm they saw okay, so I would be upset about something, but I would just clam down.
• 9:14
  Danae: Body would be tense and they could see it on my face, but I'm okay.
• 9:19
  Danae: I'm fine.
• 9:20
  Danae: Nothing's bothering me.
• 9:22
  Danae: Yep.
• 9:22
  Danae: Mm-hmm and so I modeled to them holding an emotion, holding an emotion.
• 9:28
  Danae: It's not worth making a fuss, you know, and I've had to really undo that.
• 9:35
  Christie: with them.
• 9:37
  Christie: The truth is.
• 9:38
  Christie: We can value something and not have it fully developed and mature in our lives.
• 9:43
  Christie: Mm-hmm And so we're gonna fall short of our own values, but what you said, Cheryl, having the humility before our kids, when we do fall short mm-hmm to own it.
• 9:53
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:54
  Christie: And then I think Dr.
• 9:56
  Christie: Stevens even said, you know, let's grow in this as a family together mm-hmm and puts us on even.
• 10:02
  Christie: Level playing ground with our kids.
• 10:04
  Christie: Mm-hmm to say, this is a value that we want to aim towards in our family, but we're all going to fall short at times.
• 10:11
  Christie: Mm-hmm so let's hold each other accountable and encourage one another in this area.
• 10:16
  Danae: Mm-hmm we say it's never too late.
• 10:18
  Danae: Mm-hmm and it really isn't.
• 10:19
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, so whether your, your children are still little and you're like, oh, I haven't done this yet.
• 10:24
  Danae: Or maybe I'm modeling to them.
• 10:27
  Danae: Some things I didn't realize I value.
• 10:29
  Danae: Right.
• 10:29
  Danae: You know, like that, or, or even like, like mine, they're adult children now.
• 10:33
  Danae: And I'm able to go back to them and say, I wish I would've done this differently.
• 10:38
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: I want every parent hearing us.
• 10:41
  Cheryl: It is never too late.
• 10:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm you know, God models it for us because he can always give us a clean slate and comes to us with such grace all the time.
• 10:54
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:55
  Cheryl: so adult children is the place where I'm having the be the most humble ever mm-hmm to be willing to come back and say I was wrong.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm I didn't do that.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:08
  Christie: When we're young and our kids are young, we may not be self aware enough.
• 11:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:12
  Christie: I wasn't you to know, like you were saying tonight of what you.
• 11:16
  Christie: Do you value your actions, show what you value?
• 11:18
  Christie: Yeah, they do.
• 11:19
  Christie: And so, and if we aren't having the intentionality to sit with ourselves, mm-hmm and be aware of, of what we value, then we may act out in some of those ways that show us.
• 11:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: So one of the terms that we used repetitively when Kelly and I were talking is intentionality, right?
• 11:36
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 11:37
  Cheryl: And I wish.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: bill and I Had been more intentional to think through it.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: So to the degree we did, it was good..
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but like you were saying today, I lived out certain values, but I didn't always think that I was right.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: And so here's what one mom, Commented to me and kind of ask dr.
• 11:58
  Cheryl: Steven mentions having a family identity reality plan, which is talked about and decide on early and discusses a family.
• 12:05
  Cheryl: And he also talked about birthday boxes, which.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: Also requires planning and decisions and discussions as a family.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: My question is, is how do you make time for the planning decisions and frequent family discussions in a world that's so full of activities, time commitments, mm-hmm media and distractions.
• 12:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm how do you plan to plan?
• 12:25
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: What are some advice that you all have to make margin for these important things?
• 12:30
  Cheryl: When most days parents are just reacting or hanging on by their fingernails?
• 12:34
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: I mean, this is great.
• 12:36
  Cheryl: I think this is really it.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: I
• 12:37
  Danae: lived so many of those days, so I get it.
• 12:40
  Christie: Mm-hmm I know an area I did not plan was, um, the sex talk and I had one of my daughters come to me while I was making mashed potatoes and I was completely taken off guard and she's asking questions that I had.
• 12:56
  Christie: Planned to mm-hmm and those potatoes were the most mashed potatoes because I hadn't thought ahead.
• 13:03
  Christie: And so I, I understand what she's saying, like the reaction and, and the shortsightedness of not realizing, oh, that's going to come someday.
• 13:11
  Christie: Mm-hmm so it really is important to think ahead and be intentional
• 13:15
  Danae: mm-hmm yeah.
• 13:16
  Danae: Yeah.
• 13:16
  Danae: So time, you know, taking the time.
• 13:21
  Danae: To sit and, and think, what do I value personally?
• 13:25
  Danae: Mm-hmm I think that's where, you know, we have to start with we're all unique.
• 13:30
  Danae: And although we may have some big overarching values that we would share there's things specific to each one of us personally, and then also, you know, in our families mm-hmm so I think definitely taking the time personally, an hour, an hour or two, just put it on your calendar.
• 13:49
  Danae: Mm-hmm Sit with a, a piece of paper and a pen, or maybe process out loud
• 13:54
  Cheryl: well, and there's a principle I've set over and over to my kids.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: We need to start small so we can succeed big.
• 14:01
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: And the problem is like, I hear it from this mom.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: I hear it.
• 14:05
  Cheryl: I'm so overwhelmed, right?
• 14:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: How how can I get organized?
• 14:08
  Cheryl: I'm too overwhelmed.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm but in this case, I would say, if you're married, you and your spouse, mm-hmm, find time Right mm-hmm And okay.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: Let's think of all the values we have.
• 14:19
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and let's boil it down.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: I would.
• 14:21
  Cheryl: Maybe to three core values.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm that these are our core values.
• 14:26
  Cheryl: And then we start trying to say, how are we going to act out of these values?
• 14:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm in certain instances, for example, I would now rewrite my values.
• 14:40
  Cheryl: I would say we felt it, but we didn't say it.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: One core values is love others.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I go back to Jesus gave us two rules.
• 14:50
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and so the first is to love him.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and the second is to love others.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: And I think bill and I would have had that intentionality, that would've been a core value that we love others.
• 15:02
  Cheryl: mm-hmm then if loving others well is a core value when my children are fighting instead of reacting and trying to stop the fight or keep the peace mm-hmm, instead My kids are fighting core value.
• 15:19
  Cheryl: Think mm-hmm And then instead of the negative correction, all of that talk.about are we loving the other person?
• 15:28
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm how can we love
• 15:29
  Cheryl (2): Better
• 15:29
  Cheryl: in this instance?
• 15:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:30
  Cheryl: And that would be the value of.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: Sitting down, taking the time and then acting out of it.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm so that we can apply that a positive thing.
• 15:40
  Cheryl: It's like don't fight.
• 15:42
  Cheryl: Don't hit mm-hmm don't grab that away instead.
• 15:46
  Cheryl: come in with that core value.
• 15:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm Oh, how I wish I'd done this well, and that makes
• 15:50
  Christie: it a lot less overwhelming.
• 15:52
  Christie: If you can think about the values or the identity being a broad enough statement.
• 15:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:57
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:57
  Christie: that you're not having to sit down and make a plan on the application necessarily.
• 16:02
  Christie: You're thinking of the broad statement that.
• 16:06
  Christie: in life as you're going along day by day, you're seeing ways that that plays out.
• 16:12
  Christie: And that's where you're going to find the application.
• 16:14
  Christie: Mm-hmm If you feel overwhelmed at coming up with a family identity, don't worry about, you know, well, every Wednesday we're gonna do this or every that is gonna come as you go along through life.
• 16:25
  Christie: Mm-hmm but you're, you're just looking for those big values rocks, like we've talked about before in your heart and in your life.
• 16:31
  Christie: Mm-hmm you wanna live out.
• 16:32
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:33
  Danae: So thinking about that um, makes me think of one of our family values was to stay connected.
• 16:39
  Danae: You know, so having five kids, eight years apart, you know, by the time the older ones became teenagers, it was really hard.
• 16:47
  Danae: Yeah.
• 16:48
  Danae: To.
• 16:49
  Danae: Feel connected.
• 16:50
  Danae: Mm-hmm and, and I remember kind of thinking maybe I was a bad mom, because we would only eat together once a week.
• 16:58
  Danae: And I had to just kind of reconcile that and say, we are eating together once a week.
• 17:04
  Danae: And so we had Sunday brunches, we went to church on Saturday night and we talked, you know, talked with the kids about it and said, you know, there is just no other time someone is gone, whether they're working or in a class or someone.
• 17:18
  Danae: Gone every other time, you know, of the week.
• 17:22
  Danae: Um, and so we, you know, we settled on Sunday and, and we talked with the kids about it and everybody was on board.
• 17:29
  Danae: You know, if they were someone or if they were planning, they would really try their best to be there mm-hmm every week, because that was a value we had, right.
• 17:37
  Danae: Was to have at least.
• 17:39
  Danae: You know, once a week or so that we were all trying to be as a family and, and we all had to fight for it.
• 17:45
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:45
  Christie: Right.
• 17:46
  Christie: You know, that's good.
• 17:47
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:47
  Christie: But, but that was by the time your kids were a little older that's when they were older.
• 17:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:50
  Christie: You had found a million little ways by then where they had bought in to the family value that they did wanna fight for it.
• 18:00
  Christie: Oh,
• 18:01
  Danae: So's good to think about it makes me feel good.
• 18:02
  Danae: Like Cheryl, I have a lot of mistake examples also.
• 18:06
  Cheryl: So thank you.
• 18:08
  Danae: .but Something you have to be careful with this family identity, as you may say, yes, this is something we're choosing to do as a family and maybe these other families aren't, but it's not because we're better, we're higher than high and mighty with that attitude.
• 18:24
  Danae: And that's hard when you're making decisions.
• 18:26
  Danae: Different than a lot of other people around you yes.
• 18:31
  Cheryl: Well, I would now put feet to it saying, I would not want other people to feel other or less mm-hmm by the way, I treat them.
• 18:40
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 18:40
  Cheryl: So there are a number of ways where I didn't, I would not have been
• 18:44
  Cheryl (2): acting this value out
• 18:46
  Cheryl: I wasn't thinking about others who didn't feel that way.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: particularly in the culture Mm-hmm and they would've felt other or less by the way, I treat them mm-hmm because sometimes I said, well, we're going to exclude what we don't like and include
• 19:04
  Cheryl (2): what
• 19:04
  Cheryl: we do.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I wasn't thinking about how that impacted other people who were not in, on the
• 19:12
  Danae: us.
• 19:13
  Danae: Right.
• 19:14
  Danae: We did the same thing Cheryl.
• 19:16
  Danae: Well, it also.
• 19:17
  Danae: Did my children, because I saw them really struggling with feeling they felt better than others.
• 19:24
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:25
  Christie: Well, I think that's where asking why, why are we doing this is really important.
• 19:30
  Christie: It's important for our kids and for ourselves, it's good for our kids because.
• 19:34
  Christie: I know if, if I know why I'm doing something, mm-hmm, I'm a lot more motivated to do it.
• 19:39
  Christie: Mm-hmm or to, to get in the mindset of doing it.
• 19:43
  Christie: And then it's good for ourselves too, because it really makes us think through.
• 19:47
  Christie: Does this have the end result that I really, is it loving others?
• 19:51
  Christie: Well, yes.
• 19:52
  Christie: Does that like Cheryl saying into the value?
• 19:54
  Danae: Yeah.
• 19:54
  Danae: Yes.
• 19:55
  Danae: If you have that as your top value and you look at something that's controversial, right.
• 19:59
  Danae: You know, I just wanna protect my children.
• 20:01
  Danae: Wait, is this loving others?
• 20:03
  Danae: Well, is this being a good example for my
• 20:05
  Cheryl: children?
• 20:06
  Cheryl: right.
• 20:06
  Cheryl: Whether we participate or not.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:09
  Cheryl: It's how are we presenting to others?
• 20:12
  Cheryl: How am I presenting to my children?
• 20:14
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm is it a fear-based thing or value-based thing?
• 20:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm yeah.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: You know, am I making my education choices or food choices or celebration choices or our clothes choices or movie choices or game choices or mm-hmm am I doing it out of fear or out of my values?
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Right?
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm well, and that
• 20:33
  Christie: really goes back to the positive mm-hmm perspective of it.
• 20:36
  Christie: Like what, what do we wanna be about?
• 20:38
  Christie: Not what are we against?
• 20:40
  Christie: How I like that and who do we wanna be?
• 20:41
  Christie: Not what are we not going to do?
• 20:44
  Cheryl: Well said, Yeah.
• 20:45
  Cheryl: And if ever there was more pressure in society, right?
• 20:49
  Cheryl: It's us against them.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: It's us.
• 20:51
  Cheryl: They it's mm-hmm we VAX.
• 20:54
  Cheryl: No VAX.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: We this, whatever it is.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and I love this.
• 20:58
  Cheryl: If you're concerned, you don't want your children to operate in the negative mm-hmm then let's go back to our values.
• 21:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm
• 21:06
  Danae: Yeah.
• 21:06
  Danae: So what do you think about when the kids are younger about including them in the conversation mm-hmm of the values of your family?
• 21:14
  Cheryl: I think we should do it.
• 21:16
  Cheryl: you know, that we would talk about it.
• 21:18
  Cheryl: but One of the ways we practiced it was with.
• 21:21
  Cheryl: Role playing mm-hmm and literally with the little ones, let's go back and redo that.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: Oh, you know, I mean, even, even answering the door or we used to have these things called.
• 21:33
  Cheryl: Corded telephones that rain.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: And you only had one phone in the house.
• 21:39
  Cheryl: but we practiced because we wanted to love others showing respect.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: And so we would practice cuz they wanted to answer the phone.
• 21:46
  Cheryl: Well, if you're going to answer the phone, we're gonna be kind and practice, actually role playing or.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: Meeting people and looking at them and speaking with just things like, what was the
• 21:57
  Danae: phrase you would say to your kids, we're going to practice?
• 22:00
  Danae: What value were, was there an overarching value?
• 22:03
  Danae: You said we were going to practice this because we want to.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Maybe Remember how one of our deep family values is to love others.
• 22:11
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm and one of the ways we love others is showing them value.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 22:15
  Cheryl: So remember when we go up to return our books.
• 22:18
  Cheryl: We're gonna look miss Ruth in the eyes and thank her.
• 22:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because that shows her value okay.
• 22:25
  Cheryl: Let's practice it.
• 22:26
  Cheryl: bring your library books over to me and I'll be miss Ruth behind the desk.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm oh, that's good.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: And so then I would verbalize it.
• 22:32
  Cheryl: So they're not just saying it mm-hmm but we're practicing because we're saying.
• 22:37
  Cheryl: we're showing Our value is to love others by showing them value.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm because they have the imprint of God.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so we're going to do that or in a grocery store, practicing, actually looking at people and speaking to them.
• 22:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm to show, and give them value.
• 22:53
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so I love with young ones to role play, but speak the words.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: So they have the words to articulate the value.
• 23:05
  Cheryl: Does that make sense?
• 23:06
  Cheryl: Yes
• 23:06
  Christie: mm-hmm
• 23:07
  Cheryl: I
• 23:07
  Christie: was just thinking about that too.
• 23:08
  Christie: You could make it a lot of fun too.
• 23:10
  Christie: You could, you know, say if you're a hippopotamus and you you know, I mean, you play in a lot of fun ways with little ones and you know, to get them really involved and
• 23:20
  Cheryl: on.
• 23:20
  Cheryl: Well, and I would say one of the things.
• 23:23
  Cheryl: that where we actually did.
• 23:24
  Cheryl: And again, I didn't have it articulated quite like this, cuz I would've said loving others.
• 23:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm um, because they have value, but one of the things in the play, In the imagination, if they were playing something that was mean to someone that would hurt someone
• 23:40
  Danae: yes.
• 23:41
  Cheryl: and that was into the play, I would say,.
• 23:43
  Cheryl: Whoa, whoa.
• 23:44
  Cheryl: I remember we don't want to practice being unkind to people.
• 23:48
  Cheryl: Right?
• 23:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm so we can have intense things that are going on, but we're gonna practice in a way where we're kind, and we're not hurting others in our play because we love others mm-hmm so that's one of the kind of role playing things.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: How could we do that?
• 24:02
  Cheryl: And so I would help tweak the playing with a that's.
• 24:05
  Cheryl: Why I
• 24:06
  Danae: let them complain at your house.
• 24:08
  Cheryl: oh, they played a lot of hours, you know, but all my kids, we would do that go, whoa, whoa, wait.
• 24:13
  Cheryl: Trying to play out even.
• 24:16
  Cheryl: Imagination play show our core values mm-hmm right.
• 24:20
  Christie: that's good.
• 24:21
  Danae: Um, yeah.
• 24:21
  Danae: So to, to parents, it really matters to be thinking through what your values are.
• 24:27
  Danae: Mm-hmm you know, if you're going to be promoting those with your kids.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 24:34
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:35
  Cheryl: I hate to do this, but we're out of time.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: So we have a lot more, I think, to say about the practical aspect of it.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm mm-hmm.
• 24:43
  Cheryl: Uh let's let's plan on doing another episode about it.
• 24:47
  Cheryl: Sounds great.
• 24:48
  Danae: oh, in the next episode I think we'll talk more about of the, what is the we, yes.
• 24:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:53
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:53
  Christie: Right.
• 24:53
  Christie: You know, that's good.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:55
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:55
  Cheryl: Thank you.
• 24:55
  Cheryl: All.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: This has been excellent.
• 24:57
  Danae: We miss you though.
• 24:58
  Danae: Ellen?
• 24:58
  Danae: We
• 24:58
  Cheryl: sure do.
• 24:59
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 25:00
  Cheryl: Listeners, please.
• 25:01
  Cheryl: Let us hear from you.
• 25:03
  Cheryl: We want to respond to you.
• 25:05
  Cheryl: We want to talk about and use what you send us and what you wanna ask about.
• 25:11
  Cheryl: So remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.