Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / The Last Notebook

Transcript

The Last Notebook · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: I want to give a trigger warning for this episode for a few things. We're only sharing and talking about what our day and weeks have been like as we traveled recently and the bizarre adventures we endured on Thanksgiving Day. So there's no details of in-depth discussed in this podcast. No abuse disclosed or anything like that. However, just because of circumstances and things that came up, I want you to know before you listen that there are a few things referenced, including trafficking, child pornography, as well as the grief from changing therapists.
• 1:41
  So if any of these issues are too triggering for you to listen to at all, go ahead and listen to a different episode instead of this one. Otherwise, you can keep listening knowing that there's no specific abuse disclosed or described in this episode nor is it about those things, but those topics do come up passing because of circumstances that happened to us this week. As always, please take care of yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you. Okay, you guys.
• 2:16
  It is the day after Thanksgiving. And my Thanksgiving day, I need to tell you about. That's a whole other story that is wild. Like, how can we not do anything just simple in our life? Why does everything have to end in the most bizarre set of circumstances?
• 2:35
  I can't even tell you. Anyway, I want to explain that it is the day after Thanksgiving, but I know this episode will not actually air on the podcast until New Year's week. And I know that doesn't even matter for new listeners who are listening to it later, but just for context of regular listeners, that's the timing of everything. So the last episode where we talked about needing to change our therapist and Emma was struggling with that and it was so very difficult. That actually happened maybe three weeks ago, four weeks ago, a month, five weeks, I don't know.
• 3:12
  Time is kind of fuzzy anyway, right? So it's tricky to figure out. But just for the context of the jump in time since the last episode as far as the order of listening to them, it has been a while because we've been traveling internationally and doing some humanitarian aid work and so so we've not been able to do a recording of a new podcast and in fact it's been kind of frustrating because we had a couple of interview offers that we're just not able to book because we don't have Wi Fi in the middle of the desert to be able to Skype them or we don't have enough connection to be able to do it or not enough privacy or quiet to be able to record them and so it's just been a hard time but this is just part of our life now and that's part of what I want to talk about today. So forgive the long intro but I need to lay some context. Also because this moment is so vivid I want to like share this sensory experience of it.
• 4:12
  So here's what I want you to know about this day. I am, as we so often are, sitting at a park because being outside is so grounding to us and so helpful except that it's super cold. So instead of walking at the park, we are in a car. But it's not even our car. It's a rental car.
• 4:34
  And so we're sitting in the rental car at a strange park in some random place in California of all places. So we are currently in California at the end of our long humanitarian aid tour, and we're back helping people who had fires in California. And so this is our last week as we do those trainings. So that's the context in the background of where we are this is the day after Thanksgiving as I said and it is gorgeous the sky is as bright blue as it could be The morning is very cold and crisp, but not at all as cold as it is back in Kansas with snow on the ground. So for better or for worse, we have managed to get ourselves to the desert for most of the first half of winter.
• 5:24
  So we've been traipsing around The Middle East with 80 degree weather, 90 degree weather, a hundred degree weather while it was snowing back home. And so that's one way to handle things. You guys, avoidance is the best. You just need to know avoidance is the best. Avoidance is the way to go.
• 5:47
  Just avoid stuff and life is much easier. So if you have a little touch of the Seasonal Affective Disorder, I suggest a humanitarian aid tour in The Middle East. Oh my goodness. Okay. So it is cool and crisp this morning, but the sun is so bright and the sky is the most beautiful blue I have ever seen, and all the trees are changing colors.
• 6:13
  And so it is gorgeous, like it is red and orange and yellow and bright against the blue, blue, blue, blue, blue sky. And we are parked right in front of a trail that we're gonna walk on after we record this podcast because we needed to warm up a little bit first. But there's this little stream that is going, and so there's blue in front of us with the stream, and there's blue in the sky, and all these bright, gorgeous autumn colors in the trees and I just can't tell you how beautiful it is. But here is why today is a big day and here is what I have to talk about. It is that we have just mailed the last notebook to the forever to get a diagnosis.
• 7:18
  It takes forever to understand what's going on and right is all of that finally happened for us we moved to Kansas City because of our youngest daughter needing the hospital. And so we have for two years almost three years seriously you guys almost three years like another month would have been three years. We have for three years been going to the therapist who is amazing and good and kind. She has done nothing wrong. There's no drama.
• 7:52
  If you listen to the podcast before you know how this played out and how it came up as even a possibility for us. But the more that we talked about it and thought about it and wrote about it, the more it was the right thing to do even though it was also a terrifying thing to do. So go back to what Kathy Steele said a year ago when we went to a training and she talked about driving too far to see your therapist and needing to have a local therapist. And while when we interviewed her she was very compassionate about the reasons why that sometimes happens like us living in a rural area or having supervised people around us things like that those are all good reasons everyone's circumstances are different and there needs to be grace or compassion or room or space for people to honor their own experiences and people to respect other people's experiences. And we absolutely for what was going on internally needed to stay with our therapist and come to this place.
• 8:57
  But as the last year, this year specifically has unfolded and we have learned about friendship and we have learned about safety and we have been able to hold on to now time and memory time differently and gotten to know each other internally differently, this has just unfolded that it's time to go ahead and make the change and move to a new therapist locally. You guys, I have to tell you it is absolutely the hardest thing we have ever done. I am not saying it's the hardest thing that's ever happened to us, but it is the hardest thing we have ever consciously as a team decided to do. And I think that the time we have been away from home and away from our friends really brought some clarity and really gave us time to grieve because this has been a very very private grief that I don't know that even friends who love us or like the husband while they are absolutely supportive I don't know that we could have grieved in that space with them because it's such a personal thing. That's just a very private thing.
• 10:14
  So they understand that there is grief and they're absolutely supportive of it. They've not done anything wrong or been insensitive in any way. But I think that part of now being the time to do this is because we have that time away to grieve privately, like individually and together as a system. The loss of her. She has been amazing.
• 10:39
  I have nothing bad to say about her. There is no drama or anything wrong has happened. It is really just that if we are going to be functioning so well and so traveling for work again, then there is no way that we can take more time away from our family just to do therapy or there is no way that we can invalidate the hard time that we have being away from home for work by using that money to be away from home even more. Does that make sense? And so part of it is just that because we're doing better part of the natural progression of things is that we need to get a local therapist where also we can see her for free because it's paid for by Medicaid.
• 11:31
  And so it is a huge thing and a big big transition and it's absolutely terrifying. But all of those things can be true and we can have all of those feelings while also at the same time knowing that it is good and right and as it should be. Does that make sense? So it's absolutely terrifying and we are super super sad like just devastated about it but also we are okay and also we have a peace about it and also we know it's the right thing to do for a whole number of reasons. And so today in California, the day after Thanksgiving two thousand nineteen, we just mailed the last notebook to the therapist.
• 12:24
  So anytime we were not working for the last month or five weeks or so, we have pretty much been crying, like sobbing our eyes out for this. Like, it's worse than a breakup. I mean, everything's entirely appropriate at therapy. Therapy. I don't mean to say anything inappropriate.
• 12:41
  I just mean like it's intense. Saying goodbye to your therapist is really, really hard and letting go of that relationship even if it's so that you can embrace the thing that is right for you next is brutal. It's terrifying. There's grief. I'm kind of even mad that it has to happen.
• 13:05
  Like we've had all kinds of feelings. But to communicate communicate throughout the system that this is what's happening and to write about what we're feeling in the process of it and to be able to take this slow transition as we have traveled and be writing about it and focusing on that and thinking about that has really helped us so it's been good timing and then as we prepare in the next week we have another week left and then in the December we actually get to go home and the Monday that we get home we have an appointment with the new therapist and so everything is set up well there's this gentle transition that is as smooth as it could be except that it is brutally painful and my heart is broken. Like I'm not oh I can't tell you how grateful we are for her and how powerful her work has been for us and what she means to us. And I know that without her being who she is and having done what she has done for us we would not even be to this place. And so it as much feels like she has prepared us for this as much as it's something we just need to do.
• 14:32
  And so while there is grief and we have been super sad and really struggled with the decision, we also have a peace about it and feel fully confident that it is the right thing and we're sticking to it and we're gonna follow through on it. So you'll be hearing about our new therapist as we get started and what that adjustment is like and how we handle that transition or that part of the transition. And I'm actually really curious what that's gonna be like because so far we haven't talked to her. You guys, the new therapist is the one. We've talked about her on the podcast before because the whole family goes like when we went because of palliative care and we went because of understanding that she knows trauma and so our kids go see her, the husband goes sees her, she's the one who did EMDR with the husband and like she's really sweet and she's very kind and she's great at what she does.
• 15:33
  Like my kids do fantastic with her. The husband does fantastic with her. Like everyone loves But we refuse to go even for family sessions and won't talk to her because she's not our therapist. I almost said her name. I don't wanna say our therapist's name, but because she's not her, we have just like, I don't know, was like some kind of betrayal or something like we would not talk to her and we've been really stubborn about it and really good at avoidance.
• 16:03
  And so we've engaged in one therapy so as to avoid a different one. I don't know how that works. But here's the thing. It's time for us to reengage with our family. Like, seriously.
• 16:16
  Not that we have avoided them, but it's exhausting. And there's, like, one or two of us that primarily interact with them. And if we're going to be as a team accepting all of us and trying to be present as a whole system in new ways then part of that is being present in our family as well. And that's hard work anyway just because parenting is hard work, relationships are hard work, but so is staying present in those ongoing everyday moments, especially when you have trauma in the background. There are lots of triggers.
• 16:54
  It's exhausting. It's a lot of work. It's way easier to just avoid it or be gone. But if we're going to have to be gone because of work more often than in the past, because we are functioning so well, then when we are home, we've got to really be home. Does that make sense?
• 17:13
  Not that we can't still go to a treat or take care of ourselves or that we won't ever get to see our friends again. Like we can still do those things, but when we're home we need to be home. And so the dynamic has changed and our needs have changed and our circumstances have changed. And so it's just time. We have to do this you guys.
• 17:35
  So we have just mailed the last notebook to the therapist and I feel such a peace about it. I feel almost a relief that it's done, that phase of things, except at the same time I feel this oncoming burden of part of what's different is that now we know. We know each other inside. We know what there is to work on and we are aware of what comes next and digging in next in a whole new way feels so daunting and doing that without the therapist and doing it with a new therapist instead feels so overwhelming and I don't know how we can even do it. There's so many times we can't even hardly speak at the therapist office.
• 18:27
  I don't know how we're gonna do this with the new lady. Like I really don't know what that's gonna be like. It's I can't even imagine it. But right now I'm not thinking about that because right now, I just need to hold and honor this moment of the therapist and how amazing she has been for us and how grateful we are for her. If you want to know more about what we have learned from the therapist in these three years, listen to the top 10 list that Emma did for Mother's Day in 02/2019.
• 19:00
  Go find that episode and you will hear all the things the therapist has taught us in three years. They were such simple things but changed our life and made our healing possible. She's incredible and we are so grateful to her. And she's a super private person so that's all I'm gonna say because I'm not trying to be intrusive. We just wanted to feel this moment and remember this moment of saying goodbye to her.
• 19:31
  So we also sent a goodbye text, and I'm not going to read all of it because it's pretty personal, but part of it I wanna share. We said, while we do not mean to invade and do not get to know you at all, because we know nothing. She's a fortress, you guys. We know nothing about her. She is somehow very present with us, but tells us nothing, which is fine.
• 19:57
  That's as it should be. But that's why I said that. So while we did not get to know you at all besides your heart in action that we have been so very privileged to witness and experience, never have we been so grateful for anyone, and forever we will love and adore you for the very unique role in our life, one of the few threads from childhood somehow in now time through adolescence in memory time because we actually met her for the first time when we were 17. So that's why I said that part. And then back to now time, which is becoming memory time.
• 20:35
  But all of this in ways I cannot express adequately in words. We have and will miss you terribly as this new work has stolen our Mondays away, but also trust that God knows what he is doing even when we are terrified because you have prepared us for it, strengthened us for it, and taught us how to be scared and do it anyway. And so we know we can let go without falling and that we are not alone even when it feels like it. And that what is most wrong with us maybe was something that was right. And knowing why puts the wrong back in the place it belongs because they are not our secrets.
• 21:13
  And that maybe I belong somehow, somewhere, with at least the right to choose to stay alive, the capacity to want to stay present, and the hope to stay connected. This is hard because the healing connection stepping toward and stepping into is so daringly different, it would destroy me if it were just imaginary or we got it all wrong or it were all taken away. It's safer or maybe more familiar not to escape it or to hide from it than to do it. Or better words would maybe be that imaginary worlds have always been safer than the real one, so it's a scary thing to wake up there and dare to stay present in the world where other people live. But mostly it's hard because you know more parts of me, us, than anyone, and more parts know you, and there was always so much to say and so very much to feel, in good ways.
• 22:11
  I don't mean creepy or inappropriate. And so there is more to grieve and everything is so exponential. But so is our love and gratitude for you. We are so very glad to know you. Thank you for caring so richly and so deeply and so pervasively.
• 22:28
  Me,
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: all
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: of me, and also not just me, the whole world as you move about it loving so many so well. We are so grateful for you. And that was our message goodbye. We sent that yesterday actually, which was a crazy time and a crazy day. Let me tell you about our Thanksgiving because that's easier to talk about than crying about the therapist again.
• 22:52
  And if I keep talking about it, I'm gonna cry. So this will make you cry when you hear our story about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a holiday in America that really has a lot of historical issues because it's supposed to celebrate like the pilgrims coming and discovering America and having peace with the Indians and all of this except not. The First Nations people were destroyed by the pilgrims and the pilgrims weren't the first people to be here. So there's all kind of political and historical drama.
• 23:25
  But the cultural piece is that it's a huge gathering. We usually have turkey and mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries and pie, things like that. But extended families come together and it's this huge gathering, a very family centered holiday, right? And for lots of people, especially those of us with trauma, that can be either really traumatic or really dramatic depending on how the day goes. And for us this year it was kind of fun because we had a free pass where we did not have to go to the in laws and our own parents are dead.
• 24:01
  So in some ways it was a set to be like the best Thanksgiving ever, except it's hard to do a family holiday all by yourself. So it was already a little bit hard because we've been traveling, we're super homesick, and now this family holiday that is supposed to be time together was brutal because we were all alone. Except then also, you guys, they put us in this Airbnb, and it's actually a housing shortage here because there were these fires that burned so much of the community, like entire towns were destroyed. So there's not enough housing already, and then we come in as humanitarian aid people and take up more housing. So we have to stay in Airbnb's, which is like people's extra bedrooms or something.
• 24:53
  And so sometimes that's our own space or an apartment, and that's not too bad. But this is the time when we're in someone's house, so you would think that's okay, except there's a lot of triggers. Like this house, all of the art is like skeletons and trees and really creepy stuff. Really creepy stuff. So it's been super triggering just because of that.
• 25:17
  And then in the backyard, there are like animal skulls lined up on the back fence, like on this garden fence, the the lower fence. And I don't even know what's that why that's there or what it means or what it's about, but it's also super triggering. So clearly, we have different tastes and decorations, but also it's setting off, like, layers of things internally, which is a whole different podcast. I can't talk about those things today because we're still in them right now. Okay?
• 25:48
  So that was hard, and then this was hard, and then this was hard. That's what it felt like. Okay? And then we were looking around the Airbnb, like they have a bookshelf, and we're looking through the bookshelves, and we found this notebook. And we thought that notebook, like a binder, not papers like we write in, but a binder of papers.
• 26:08
  And we thought it was gonna be pictures or something. So we opened it and we're just looking because it's in this house where we're staying. And if someone has something super private, why would they leave it in the house and then rent it out? Right? So we were looking through this and the binder was full of well, like, first of all, it was very old.
• 26:27
  Like, you could tell it was old because of the it has typewriter paper in it and things that were actually typed, with an old school typewriter. Do you guys remember those? And pictures were cut out and taped down and the tape that was holding it on the corner of the photographs like photocopied photographs, the black and white photograph photo oh, I can't say it. Like, they were photographs, but they were pictures that were copied and cut out. So they were black and white and obviously photocopied, like not clean pictures or clear pictures, but the tape holding them down was all yellowed and curled.
• 27:08
  So like these were not recent. So that's probably why these people left it in their Airbnb because I think they didn't know it was there. I don't know how you could not know. Oh my goodness. But anyway, they were it was like a catalog of like male order brides of women from Russia or something.
• 27:27
  And the descriptions were like, I can't even tell you because it was so inappropriate and it had everyone's ages and there's no way those girls were that old. And so this is like some kind of trafficking thing or something. I don't even know what is going on or what that's about, but it set off all kinds of internal things and we had this huge reaction and it was really difficult. And before we could even deal with that, there is a gas leak in the Airbnb and so we have to call the utility company because there's a gas leak and they come and they turn the stove and oven off because that's where the leak is. So they unhook the stove and oven and turn that off.
• 28:12
  And then we have to air out the house and they let us back in, but there's nowhere else to go stay because of the housing shortage, right? So we're in this super triggering place with these notebooks of this catalog of girls and who are not dressed by the way, and there's all these internal things happening inside of things that we are connecting that we cannot be connecting and a sudden growing list of things we need to talk about in therapy in the middle of having to change therapists. So who knows how long it's gonna be before we can even process that because you know that's not where we're starting. Oh my goodness. And now it's Thanksgiving Day and we don't even have a stove or an oven to cook on.
• 29:02
  Nothing. And it's Thanksgiving Day so everything is closed. We can't even go to a restaurant or drive through to get fast food or nothing. So we literally spent Thanksgiving Day in our childhood hell with this catalog of girls and with no food, no way to cook food, much less Thanksgiving food and all alone. Like, it was insane.
• 29:31
  Why can we not just do something a simple way? Other people get an Airbnb and it's like this classy, cozy, comfy place and everything's fine. And we get the Airbnb from hell. Like, What is this about? Oh my goodness.
• 29:50
  And I just wanna say seriously, if you did not know, this is one of our issues with having our picture taken or videos because this isn't actually an issue from our past. I don't want to get into it on this podcast because we still have two, three more days left in this house before we can change locations. That's the other reason I needed to go ahead and record another podcast, was to get this out because that is our experience. We are in the middle of changing therapists. We are all alone.
• 30:19
  We are not home yet. We've been gone from home for two months. We're surrounded by skeletons and skulls in the woods, and now there's this notebook full of these trafficking girls. And I didn't even know that counted as trafficking. Like I knew about child pornography and that that's a problem and we're gonna have to talk about it in therapy.
• 30:42
  I get that. But I read this article that I found online about in, I don't even wanna say where, but the Eastern United States in some mountains, like I don't wanna say where exactly because I don't want to get it wrong. But there was an article about this whole culture of people who are selling their children for sex because they want money for drugs. And so this is I know that's a lot to say and so I'll add a trigger warning but the reason I wanted to bring this up is because I didn't know until I read that article and sent it to the therapist, who has done a lot of therapy internationally with me, by the way, having to deal with all these notebooks and everything when I'm not even there or coming back. So a million kudos to her again.
• 31:46
  But I was like, wait, in the article it says that's trafficking. And I didn't know that it counted as trafficking if it's your own family. Like, we have a foster daughter who we would have adopted except she's from Honduras who was trafficked here, which is how she landed in foster care. And I think we shared bits of that story, but, like, people bought her and sent her here and all this. And so I know that's trafficking, and I know there's a lot of language out there, and that that's, like, the cool thing for people to help with now, which is good because it's a serious problem, obviously.
• 32:27
  So I know about human trafficking and sex trafficking and these kinds of things. They've talked about it even at work in the context of the emergency room and hospital. Like, we've had a few trainings on it. I get that, but I did not know. I did not know that it counted as trafficking if it was your own family that did it.
• 32:53
  If your family sold you, it still counts as trafficking. I didn't know I thought, like, you had to be kidnapped strangers and sent somewhere else, and that was trafficking. I didn't know that it counted as trafficking if your own family did it or your own family moved you around to do it. So, like, this is a whole new ball of worms. Wait.
• 33:23
  That's not right. How do you say that in English? You open the worms, ball of worms, ball of the I don't remember what it is. There's worms in this, you guys, because these are slimy, sleazy people. Slimy people doing sleazy things, and it counts if it's your family.
• 33:42
  So I'm sorry to throw that in the middle of this podcast, but that's what our Thanksgiving Day has been. And because finding this notebook and these pictures I don't even wanna say notebook because to me, a notebook is a good thing. To me, the notebook makes me think of the therapist. Finding this binder of these photographs and the notes scrawled in them about these girls, which by the way, we totally turned into the cops. Just want you to know that.
• 34:08
  Happy Airbnb. Have a good Thanksgiving. So I'm sorry all of this is coming out on the podcast, but this is what we've dealt with for the last two days. And so we're in the middle of changing therapists all on our own. We've not been home for two and a half months.
• 34:24
  And now we're in like the skeleton house with these pictures. Why can we not do anything normal? We can't even make some stuffing or potatoes because there's no way to cook anything. There we thought maybe we could pick up something, like, today on Friday. The day after Thanksgiving, we thought, well, we could at least pick up, like, some little samples of something at the grocery store maybe and heat them up in the microwave and have a pretend Thanksgiving dinner because people like John Mark, hello, really want Thanksgiving dinner, all about Thanksgiving dinner.
• 35:03
  No. Because this place does not have a microwave. There's no way to heat it up. And so today, the day after Thanksgiving, after we take this walk, we're gonna go on a walk to calm back down because I knew this podcast would stir us up. We're gonna have to drive around town and try and find some stuffing and mashed potatoes.
• 35:23
  Turkey is optional. We don't really eat meat very much, so I don't care about the turkey. But it's the one day John Mark is supposed to get stuffing and mashed potatoes and we haven't even had any because we're in the trafficking house. What on earth? So this was our Thanksgiving day and of course it was not simple because when does life happen ever simple for us like that?
• 35:49
  And then on top of everything else, so that's the context of what's happening. On top of everything else, while we were in the shower yesterday, dude comes home. The owner of the house comes home and says he's there to fix the stove. And I'm like, what is going on? And trying to hold in some particular people that need this to not be a confrontation because it's going to be ugly if it goes down.
• 36:16
  And so we're like trying to get dressed and he's just walking around the house talking and I'm like, oh yeah, I turned in your binder of trafficking girls to the police, just so you know that. But he's in there and he's like fixing the stove, except he doesn't actually fix the stove. And he's just walking around for an hour and then he's like, oh don't use the TV because I wanna record this football game and we can watch the football game after y'all leave. Like, I'm not here to watch TV. I'm here because I would just rather sleep in my car than stay another night in your house.
• 36:49
  But what am I supposed to do because it's freezing cold outside. So here we are. We've got two more days and then on top of that, on top of that, our little assistant who like runs around and does stuff for us, it's hilarious. He's not as good as husband. The husband's way better at that.
• 37:09
  But he's the husband, he's not an assistant. So this guy who is like 20, 20 three, so part of it he's just young and eager and does not have a lot of life experience yet, but he's trying. But anyway, he was supposed to go home because we they got all of our team back to The States in time for Thanksgiving, which was really sweet of them, except then everyone else took trains to get home to spend the holiday at home. But we had to save the money so we can send that money home instead of spending the money to go home and then come back. It was just gonna be easier for us because we know it was the Airbnb from hell.
• 37:52
  But it was gonna be easier for us and better to save the money and send the money home to the family rather than spending it on more transportation. So we were trying to be helpful, but that's how we ended up in the Airbnb from hell. So it's a nightmare. But anyway, our assistant left, but the mountains were snowed over or the roads were closed because of the snow in the mountains or something like that. So now he's back.
• 38:21
  So now because there's no other places for housing, we have to share this like house, I mean it's a very small house, but we have to share this place with him for three more days before we can change Airbnb's where we have our own room. And, like, let me say in his defense, he's entirely appropriate. He's not making any moves or being inappropriate, and those of you who know me know I'm not, like, right movable. I am old and a mom and frumpy and, ugh, like, are just too old and no fun. And so there's nothing inappropriate happening, but we have to share with him because he's here.
• 39:03
  And what that means is, like, internally, we can't relax as much. We have to fake it longer. We have to hold together longer. And guys, I'm about done. We need to just go home and fall apart because I'm about done holding it together and I'm about done performing for people and I'm about done trying to pretend like everything's okay.
• 39:24
  This has been too much and too intense and too hard, and I'm finished. We need to go home. So this poor guy is here sleeping on the couch. And let me say for Emma, it's a big deal because in our faith tradition, we do not share like, we don't even get in the car or go out to eat or anything with someone from the opposite gender. Like, just to protect that and as part of our, like, fidelity with our spouse, we don't push the limits on that at all.
• 39:55
  And so this is a huge deal and we had to call the husband and be like, hey, he's crashing on the couch because of this and this, but we have our own room and like the husband knows and there's nothing weird about it except that she is way too conservative for that and I'm freaking out just because he's a guy and there's like no downtime and it's crazy because it makes me appreciate our friends who accept us, who accept all of us, where we can relax and be more fluid. And even though we want to be present and we're trying to work together and we're trying to make progress, it's not a crisis if John Mark comes out to swing. And it's not a disaster if Katie comes out to paint. It's okay if I'm here and need to be mouthy about something or if Emma's there and feeling shy. Like, there is something that is showing us what would you say?
• 40:56
  Like, the contrast between being able to be open and accepted and free by people who are safe and having to hold it together and fake it for people who are not safe or who just don't know. So we're obviously not gonna come out as DID to our assistant or to our job because we need to keep our job, which is really ironic because the job is about trauma and they're amazing. And we wouldn't do this for anybody else. Like, we love this particular agency and the work has been incredible and it's been a very positive experience except for the Airbnb from hell. But it shows like we have not had any days off because there's always days of travel or days of trying to prepare for the next training or gathering supplies for the training or in dangerous environments because of war zones or all these different things where it's really intense and normally the ways that we cope with that are through dissociating.
• 42:00
  And when we cannot dissociate or it's not dissociative, like, it's all I can do to keep us together. Like, okay. Here's what I'm trying to say. Like, we don't need to be splitting someone off or creating anyone new just to deal with this. We have to hold it together literally holding ourselves together to get through this because we are almost home.
• 42:25
  And so I needed to talk about all of this that's going on because that's better than it getting so big inside that we have to avoid it by blocking it off. I don't know if you believe that people split people off or what words you use to describe that. I don't have other language to describe that yet, but I know that feeling when it's overwhelming and it's like fabric ripping and you can just see it in slow motion almost and feel it not doing it intentionally, not trying to do it, but that feeling of it happening and trying not to create another part or a new alter just to deal with something that's difficult because I believe in our system and I believe in our progress and I know that we have support and I know that we have friends and we're not alone. So even far away dealing with very very difficult circumstances after some very very difficult months even in transitioning to a new therapist we have got to use each other and our resources like our friends to hold ourselves together so that we can maintain our healing and maintain our progress, but also not be ashamed of ourselves for struggling.
• 43:47
  Because it really is hard and this really is a lot of things and it really has been a long time we've been away from everyone who helps us and that we feel safe with. So acknowledging the struggle does not mean that we have to be ashamed of ourselves. And acknowledging the struggle also does not have to mean giving up or giving in or letting go. So even changing therapists is not a letting go of her because I know if I ever wanted to contact her, I think that I could. I mean, she's not given explicit rules yet, but I think that I could.
• 44:33
  If I wanted to go here where she was speaking publicly somewhere, I think I could show up and listen. So it's not like she's disappearing. There's no drama. She's not leaving me. I'm leaving her if anything.
• 44:47
  And so knowing that I can hold on to that peace while also embracing what's helpful next or that we can be away from our friends for all this time, but she's still there when we get back. Or we can be away from the husband this long, but he's still there when we get back. These are new things that are like connecting the dots of attunement and of attachment attachment and of holding on to us actually being okay even though things are really hard right now. And so I don't know that I have a point for this podcast or like some big lesson we're trying to teach or share, but just giving an update of what we've been going through and we are so close to making it home. And by the time this airs, we should be home with our family ready to start a brand new year.
• 45:46
  And I want to say about 02/2019 that although it has absolutely been very, very difficult, losing friends was hard. Getting through the Africa experience was hard. This has been hard. But it has also been the most powerful and amazing year we have had in a long time. Because those difficult experiences taught us so much good.
• 46:12
  Losing friends that didn't choose us back or weren't good for us was heartbreaking, but it led to discerning who is a good friend to us and what that looks like and finding those people and being held safe by them. And the trauma of Africa was so so difficult, but it also connected our daughter to her culture and her history. So when they had their Christmas visit with biological family and she didn't have anyone show up for the first time instead of saying they don't love me she said they live far away. And so she believes in herself differently. And changing therapists is the most painful thing we've ever done as a choice, choosing intentionally to do it.
• 47:02
  But I believe in the timing and I believe in the unfolding of it and trusting that, that there will be more things that we learn and new things that we learn even while experiencing a separation that isn't a forever grief. Like, we can be sad about losing her, but it's not like foster care where we never get to see her again. And so I think even in that, there will be healing and there will be lessons. I could be wrong. Maybe we're just foolish.
• 47:37
  Maybe we're throwing away a good thing. But it seems necessary for our family to do and the right thing. And it seems like progress in our journey for the things that we need. So I don't know what 2020 is going to look like. I can't imagine after the last year we've had what it could possibly look like.
• 47:59
  I don't have any idea. I can't even guess. But I know that we are better and stronger and more capable and more present and happier than we've ever been even though it's still been hard in lots of ways. And so something in 2020 is gonna be good in those ways because healing is happening and hard stuff didn't stop it. And that's what I wanted to say today.
• 48:58
  Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.