Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep9: 39 Minutes with Comedy Powerhouse 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep9: 39 Minutes with Comedy Powerhouse 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'd never seen Hispanic people before I came to America.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I'd never seen Hispanic people.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: We haven't got lots of Hispanic people in England.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: We haven't got lots of Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, Cubans.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I suppose it's a much longer swim.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: But the thing is that.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I get the feeling I shouldn't have said that.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Am I gonna get fucked up by a cholo on the way home?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: I've never seen Hispanic people.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing is, you got different shades of Hispanic people.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: You got like darker skinned Hispanic people like the Dominicans and stuff, right?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: They're the ones that confuse me.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: They did.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: The first time I came to America, I was in New York and I was on the subway and I was sitting opposite three people.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: I assumed they were black.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then they started speaking.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was like that.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Black people have their own language in America.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: I've learnt a lot since coming to America.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: I've learnt a lot.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh when you guys get fat, you get really fucking fat.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like humongous.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's not your fault, Americans.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's not your fault.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's not.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: I've been here a while now.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: So your food commercials.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I've never seen so many food commercials in my life.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: America, let me give you a little uh bit of advice.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Throwing a piece of lettuce at a pork chop is not a salad.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's not.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's a bit of leaf on a pork chop.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're food commercials! I've never seen so many food commercials.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like you got the subway commercial, the subway.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Five.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Five dollar foot love.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Five dollar foot long.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is why you're so fat Americans.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: This is the first country in the world to start measuring their food in feet.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: I've never seen so many commercials for food.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it's all massive, it's all like get this great big burger with extra beef, cheese, and chicken, and steak, bacon, and cheese, beef, chicken, steak, bacon, cheese, beef, chicken, steak, bacon, cheese, beef, chicken, steak, bacon, cheese, beef, chicken.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: All on a sesame seed bow.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is why I can read certain news stories.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I can tell without I can just tell from the news story without even looking at it too hard.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: I can tell the hue of the people involved.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I said hue.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I did go to school in San Francisco.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: This actually happened in England a couple of years ago.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: You can Google all of this, this is all true.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Google.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: So it was a beautiful summer's day, beautiful summer's day in England, one of the three that we get.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: And the couple decide to go for a walk along their local riverbank.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's the first clue.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: They decide to go for a walk along their local riverbank.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: So they're pushing their baby in a stroller, and their pet dog, that's the second clue, pet dog is running alongside them.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: The dog ran off and fell into the river and got into trouble.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: And the couple, as in both of them, jumped into the river after the dog leaving their baby on the riverbank.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Both of them drowned.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: True story, go Google it, true story.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: I read that story and I was like, oh.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is an awfully sad story.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't need to look at the pictures.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I know that's white people.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now white people, I'm not being racist.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is a racist! I'm not racist! These are just observations.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Little differences between us.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: We're all similar, but we're different.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because white people, you love your animals, you love your animals.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: You would die or even kill for your animals.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: You would you have pets, you love your pets.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: You with the bow tie and the flowery weird shit.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: You said, do you have pets?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have animals?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I have one dog.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: You have one dog.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: What's your dog's name?
• 6:29
  unknown: Wolfie.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: Wolfie! And he's only that big, oh you know Wolfie's gonna die one day.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: He's an adult, he knows.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And you'll bury Wolfie in the garden, right?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what white people do.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: You have an emotional connection to your animals.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's a beautiful thing.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Black people, we haven't got that emotional connection.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: We like animals.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: We love them on a plate.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: We like them, we don't love them.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: So we're not jumping in the river after a dog.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: A duck?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Are you serious?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: A duck?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: A duck.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, I'm not sure we jump into the river after our own kids, to be honest.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: If my kids fell in the river, I'd be like that.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Swim Swim Swimming You can tell at this point that I am childless.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I have no children, people.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: I have no children.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I fucking hate kids, I ain't gonna lie.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: These kids are just running around stealing everything.
• 8:30
  unknown: Everything.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you saw the footage that went all around YouTube, that was all over the internet of the girl who looted a sneaker store.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right, she looted a sneaker store.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: And rather than taking the shoes and getting home, she takes the thing, she's trying them on outside the burning store that she just looted.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: So she's trying on the sneakers like I can't even see in this window, it's on fire.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing is, I was watching these riots taking place from America, because I've been living in America the last few years.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I was watching the riots on television and just seeing all this stuff going on, and it was just the weirdest, most surreal thing.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing is, my mum has a store in East London, suitcases bad and stuff, and she has a store, and she her store was right in the pathway of the riot, and I was watching it on television, and I was watching all these rioters making their way up the same street that my mum's store was on.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm ringing my mum from America going, Mom, get out of the shop, get out.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: The rioters are coming, and my mom is a strong African woman.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's like, Look, look, I am not leaving my shop, I am not leaving my shop.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Let the bastards come, let them come, let them come, let them come.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see what happens.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see what happens when they get here.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Let's see, let's see, and let's see what happens when they get here.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: And anyway, I sell bags.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they will need some bags to put she's a businesswoman, my mother is a businesswoman.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: So we've had an up and down here, so that was the down part of the yeah.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: But we had the Olympics though, we had the Olympics! Hey!
• 10:47
  unknown: Hey!
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Latin! That's my cam! Lighting! I'm dead! Olympics was amazing.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: We we we pulled it off, it was great.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: But obviously, my family's African um African countries didn't do particularly well at the Olympics again.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you saw the African rower, the guy from Niger, who came last in the rowing, like last, like really last.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: He came last by quite a distance.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: In the heats, did you see the heats?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was like first place, second, third, fourth, fifth.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: But you guys don't travel much.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I've read about Americans, that you guys don't travel.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I've read that seventy-five percent of Americans do not have passports.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Seventy-five percent.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Now I know I'm in San Francisco, so you guys are not you guys are gonna skew the statistics.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: 75% of you guys, maybe not here, how many of you guys have got passports?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's a high percentage.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: With stamps in them.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: That don't say Mexico.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Or Hawaii.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: Hawaii doesn't count.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Cruises don't count either.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because people cheat, they go on cruises and they say, and they go, oh yeah, I went to here and here, I went to Jamaica, and then I went to Chile today.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: No, you didn't.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: You went on a cruise.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Cruises don't count, you don't get to see the country.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is what happens on a cruise.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: You get on the ship, you cruise to an island, and you get off at the port, get off the boat at the port, and you buy some t-shirts and shells and shit, and then you get the fuck back on the boat.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's what you do, you get on the boat.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then you get to the next port, and you get off at the port, and you buy some t-shirts and shells and shit, and then you get back on the boat, get back on the boat.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, the cruise companies are tricking you, they're taking you to the same island.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: I love to travel.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: I've been all over the world, I've been all over the world.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: I went back to Africa, obviously, because my family's from Nigeria.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: I went back to Nigeria.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: Don't clap too hard.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Nigeria scared the fuck out of me.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: I stayed in a hotel with the white people.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I did.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was like that.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Nigeria is great.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, look, there's Nigerians.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, close the doors, don't let them in.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: It was terrifying.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Terrifying.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: I was watching a TV show over there where a guy was whistleblowing on corruption within the Nigerian government.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Government, right?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: Whistleblowing.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: On corruption in the Nigerian government.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: On television in Nigeria.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Whistleblowing against the Nigerian government in Nigeria.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: And he's being interviewed and he's like, yes, I've been interviewed and what I'm doing is very, very dangerous.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Very dangerous.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm risking my life, but fortunately, my identity is protected.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because yeah, one of those black things across his eyes.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: My identity is protected by the black line across my eyes, so luckily.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then he bent down to get a drink.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's dead now, but he made an effort to make.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's how it sounds to me.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: What thugs?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Go to Africa and see hungry thugs.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: I got robbed in a taxi doing 60 miles an hour.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: That my friends is thuggery.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: Your health system.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: America, your health system sucks! Obama change it, Obama's trying to help us.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm from England, people.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: You've got free health care in England.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Free! Free in England, free, free in England, free.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: You've got no idea of that, have you Americans?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Free health care.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody pays a little bit extra tax, not a lot, just a little bit extra.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: It goes into a big pot.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody gets health care.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's a beautiful thing.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: I get run over by a car in England.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to worry when the ambulance turns up.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, I don't, I don't go, go away, Mr.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: Ambulance Man.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's cheaper to get a limo to the hospital.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's cheaper to get a limousine to the hospital.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: You might as well have fun with it.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: Get a limo, get some Jack Daniels, get some champagne, get a few strippers, you might as well have fun with it while you're in there.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: Insurance is a killer.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not just health insurance, they do the same thing to you with car insurance.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: These insurance companies, they make you frightened to use the insurance that you're paying for.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: A guy hit my car a while ago, hit my car from behind, right?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I got out and I was like, don't worry, have you got insurance?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: I've got insurance, we're good.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: We'll go through the insurance company.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they're there for.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like that, no! Can't afford this, my premiums are gonna go up.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm saving this shit for when I kill somebody.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Health insurance situation is ridiculous in America.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't got health insurance.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that I can't afford it, I can afford health insurance, but insurance companies won't give me health insurance because I've got a pre-existing condition.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: So basically, they can't, they don't want to give me insurance in case I need insurance.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't make any sense.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: I made the biggest mistake of my life a couple of years ago.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: I got sick in America with no health insurance.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then they took me to the hospital and the doctor speaking to me, and he's like, Gina, we're gonna have to put you on a heart monitor.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, heart monitor, doctor?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: I can't afford this shit.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Can you hook me up to a Wii?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Can we do that?
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have an iPad with the Heart Monitor app?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_01: I spent one night in the hospital, people, one night in the hospital.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: They tried to charge me fifteen thousand dollars one night in the hospital, fifteen thousand dollars.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: I called them up, I called them up the next day.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, hello, hello?
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we're gonna have to uh renegotiate this price.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we're gonna have to renegotiate.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, uh do you hear this accent?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I am foreign and I will thank you disappear.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: I've learned my lesson though, people.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: I've learned my lesson.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: I could walk out today, get run over by a truck, my leg severed at the knee.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna take that leg, I'm gonna hop it onto British Airways.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because it will be cheaper for me to fly home to England first class, booking a seat for myself, and a seat for the leg.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be like diet coke for me, please.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: And a bucket of ice for the leg, please.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: A bucket of ice?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: Black people, we're not good at water, we're not, we don't do water.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: Certain stereotypes have a little bit of truth to them.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: Black people don't do water.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: We don't.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: We don't, we don't.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: This is why I was so shocked to read about those Somalian pirates.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: How bad is the economy?
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: Black people are now resorting to water-related crimes.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: Have you heard about these guys?
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: These survived pirates, they're kidnapping cruise ships and tankers in canoes, people.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: Canoes! Canoes.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: That is some gangster shit, people.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's gangster.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's the equivalent of doing a drive-by on a unicycle.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: And they're getting away with it.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's the worst thing.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: They're getting away with it, people.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: They are.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: And this is an actual true story.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can Google this when you get home.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: This is a true story.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: These Somalian pirates kidnapped a tanker and held it to ransom for three months.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: And at the end of three months, the country that owned the tanker helicoptered in a three million dollar cash ransom.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: And these Somalian pirates took the three million dollars.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you very much.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: And they made their getaway in the same canoe that they came in.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: You think they go, you know what?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: We have three million dollars.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go on Amazon and get a better boat.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know what happens?
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: True story, you can Google this.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: True story.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: The money was so heavy, it sank the canoe.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: They all drowned.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: True story.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'd have loved to hear the conversation on that canoe as it went down.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh shit, the canoe is sinking.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: What are we going to do?
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: I told you we said after taking a check.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: Shit.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: We have to get rid of something.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: We have to get rid of something.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: Get out.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: We will come back for you, I swear.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: We will come back for you.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do water.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: Black people don't do water.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: We don't.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, the American, look, American racism is in your face.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: At least I know where I stand.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: I know there's certain places I'm not going to.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: I know I can come to San Francisco and be welcomed.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_01: I know that.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know it.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Certain places I won't be going to.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: I will not be going to Alabama or Mississippi.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Because I've seen the movies.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: Not going there.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm not saying that England hasn't got their races.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: England's got their races as well.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because I used to be an engineer.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_01: Before I did comedy, I used to be an engineer.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_01: I used to build and repair elevators for a living.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I worked on building sites.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: Building sites, people, with my hands, hammers, and wrenches.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I worked on building sites.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_01: On building sites, they don't have equal opportunities on a building site.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: People say whatever they hell they want to to you on.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I work with some rednecks, British.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: There are British rednecks.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: There are some races.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: True story comes up to me and like Jaina.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's how it is.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know what your name spells backwards?
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_01: A Nick.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, ah shit.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I went on to my mom.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, mother, you've ruined my life.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know what my name spells backwards?
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: And my mother tried to console me.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, that you go back there, you go back there.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: And you tell that bastard your full name is Regina.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I said that.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: A make uh write that shit down, write down, write down, you say.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: Black people when you name them your kids, check out all the anagrams and shit.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: London! London! London's had up and down, yeah.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: We've had up and down here in London, and we had the the like the riots.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: Did you hear about the riots?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: The London riots, like kids just running a mob.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now, at first when the riot started, I've got to admit, I was behind them.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because I thought, no, because the police shot a guy, and I was like, yeah, they shot a black man, that's right, get out of the air.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, police brutality, riot! Then we heard that the guy was a drug dealer.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, okay, don't get riots.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, okay.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then it turned from just rioting to kids just stealing shit.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: And that's all it was, just kids running amok and stealing stuff, just looting anything.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh, our country's in disarray.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go ahead and take stuff.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: Woohoo! And that's what it was.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: There were kids just running around, just breaking into any stores they wanted.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like some kids broke into a McDonald's.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: A McDonald's jumped over the counter and started flipping their own burgers.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I was watching that again.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: You could have done that for four dollars an hour, you dumb shit.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting too old for that stuff anyway.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm too old, I'm too old for that stuff.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: I can't do that anymore.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm getting old, people.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: The signs are there.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: The signs of aging are there.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know when you're getting older.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: Certain signs of aging.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: For instance, I'm addicted to QVC.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: That's a sign of aging, people.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: I watch QVC like it's a soap opera.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, holy shit, is that a blender that can chop concrete?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, I've got to have those heated slippers.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think I've just come.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a blanket with sleeves?
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Is that I love a snuggie?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: I wear that to nightclubs.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: I wear it to the nightclub with my snuggy on like yeah, you can laugh at me, bitch, but later on when we're waiting for a taxi, warm, bitch, warm.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: Getting old, these are the sign, this is the worst sign of aging, though.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: This is the worst sign.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies, some of you might have experienced it.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: Serena, this is what you've got to look forward to.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: So, ladies, you know when we go to a public toilet and we want to we but we don't want to sit on the seats, do we?
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're nasty.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're nasty.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_01: In a public toilet, we don't want to sit on the seats because we don't know who's been there and all kinds of stuff.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't trust them paper things that they have.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: They're rubbish, those paper seat covers.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're like they collect the water, they they're like blotters.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: They're terrible.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_01: You put that on your seat, one drop of piss hits it.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: You sit down, the thing stuck to your ass, you get up.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_01: You get paper stuck to your ass.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: And when you try and be smart and you put loads of them down.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_01: You put three or four of them down.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then the thing is, you have a poo, and it doesn't go through because you put so many down.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it feels like your shit is being gift wrapped.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not into the paper things.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: What do we do, ladies?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_01: What do we do when we want to win?
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: We squat! Did you know that?
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, did you know that young man?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: That girlfriend.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_01: Squat, that's what she does.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Squat! That's why, look, see that?
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: See the legs there?
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: Every woman in the world, strong thighs, strong thighs.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm doing this.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: Strong thighs! We squat, we pee, psst, straight line, guys, straight line.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_01: Straight down the middle of the bowl, no deviation.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: No deviation.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: Squat, we pee, we wipe.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: Flush.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_01: Can you do this, sir?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_01: Can you do this?
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: No, you can't.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: Only women can do this.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because we are toilet ninjas.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm very particular about what airlines I fly with people.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very particular.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't do the cheap, crappy airlines.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm very I'm very particular.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm scared of flying.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, what no?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not scared of flying.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: What I'm scared of is flying and then suddenly not flying.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm very particular about what airlines I fly with.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because as a comedian, you travel a lot, people, you know, they take it to different later.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: But they people book you for shows and they try and book you as cheaply as possible.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_01: And they try and book you on the cheapest, shittiest airlines, and I'm not having it.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because, you know, there's websites dedicated to craft statistics.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: Their website.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm on those websites.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on there checking out all the craft statistics so I know who are the worst airlines.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_01: And the second airlines I will not fly with.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: I will never fly with Air Cubana.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_01: Has anybody ever flown with Air Cubana?
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you about Air Cubana.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: Air Cubana has the world's worst airline safety record.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: Not one of the world's worst, the world's worst.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't just say shit San Francisco.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: I've got statistics to back it up.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_01: In a 53-year period, Air Cubana had 46 incidents.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: And you know when I say incidents, I mean crashes! And when I say crashes, I'm not talking about oh a tire bursting on landing.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking plane falling out of sky, every fucker dead.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_01: Crash it! 46 in 53 years.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_01: That is pretty much one a year, people.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty much.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: If I lived in Cuba, all my vacations would be within cycling distance.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, we're getting on vacation.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_01: Where are we going?
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: To the yard, to the yard.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_01: Forty-six in fifty-three years, people.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's one a year.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: How dumb would you have to be?
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_01: To book a flight with air cubana.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if it's November and they haven't had a crash yet.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on those websites, I check out all the statistics.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever there's a crash, I'm online, I'm checking it out.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like there was a crash a couple of years ago, like a plane crashes and sea, and I was online.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I need to find out who these people are, so I know not to fly with them.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it was an airline called Aero Caribbean.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh, I've never heard of these guys, let me look a bit closer into it.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: Turns out Aero Caribbean is a subsidiary, a fucking Air Cuba! How dumb do they think we are?
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: If we change our name, maybe they won't notice.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_01: We're still killing people.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_01: They scare me.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: They scare me, people.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_01: And the internet, like the the childhood innocence has gone because of the internet.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_01: And the youngsters, they know too much stuff because of the internet.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's ruined innocence.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, look at these youngsters in the front, look at them.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: They know more than me.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_01: Look at them, look at the way they're looking at me.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_01: What's your name, love?
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: Serena.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is gonna blow your mind, Serena.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_01: Serena, this is gonna blow your mind.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was born before the internet.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_01: She's looking at me like that, you old bitch! As well, I was born before the internet was invented, Savina.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have Google, we didn't have the internet.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: Cyberbullying, have you heard that cyber bullying?
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's on the increase now, cyberbullying.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: So kids nowadays are too fucking fat and lazy to punch each other in the face.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_01: School bullies are now taking their money by direct deposit.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_01: These are terrifying times we're living in people.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have the internet, Selena.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have pedophiles when I was a child, Selena.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have them, we had flashes! That's what we had.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: Who remembers flashes?
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_01: You guys don't even know what that is.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_01: Should I explain it?
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_01: Should I explain it?
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: Flashes.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be skipping them from school.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what we did in the old days.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_01: We skipped.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: Kids don't do this shit anymore.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_01: Do you skip Selena?
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: As kids just did shit for no reason, just was just active for no reason, just so we'd be skipping on from school, Selena.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_01: And there'll be an old man hiding in a bush.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then you skip past and you jump out when he could wear nothing but like a coat and nothing.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_01: You jump out and he open the coat.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_01: And we'll be like that.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then you skip home as fast as you can.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you tell all your friends and family that you've been flashed.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that was exciting, Serena.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was entertainment.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, I was skipping on and I got flashed.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: The old man jumped out of a bush and flashed me.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: What happened?
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was skipping, I was skipping.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_01: He jumped out of a bush and he opened his toe and flashed me.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, that must have been horrible for you.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go back there and see if he's still there.