Latest / Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast / You Can't Give Away What You Don't Possess

Transcript

You Can't Give Away What You Don't Possess · Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast

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Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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Have you ever tried to fix something, but the
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tool that you needed wasn't in the toolbox? It
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just doesn't work, right? Well, the same thing
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is true when it comes to building great relationships.
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There is a specific key required. And if you
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have it, you're in business. If you don't, it's
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probably not going to work very well. If you
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want to learn what it takes to build great relationships,
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stay with me. I'm Dave Drury, and this is Living
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on the Edge. Today, Chip Ingram continues his
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series, Caring Enough to Connect, Building Bridges
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to Those We Love. With a principle he says completely
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changed his own marriage from the inside out.
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You simply can't give away what you don't already
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have. If you don't know deep down in your own
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heart that you are already loved by God, Chip
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says you'll spend your whole life trying to manufacture
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love and acceptance from everyone around you
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instead. Well, now let's get started with today's
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message titled, You Can't Give Away What You
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Don't Possess. I'm talking about basically life
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lessons in terms of building a great family and
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just great friendships. Principles that have
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to do with marriage, parenting, friendships,
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your boss. And so let me do a quick review. Principle
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number one, the biggest lesson I learned was
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it all begins with God. on how to have great
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ones by his intent. And so the passage was Proverbs
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9, 10. It says, The fear of the Lord is the beginning
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of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One
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is understanding. Saying, God, the wisdom, the
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skill to do relationships, you have it. And then
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the practice was, make God's word your handbook
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for relational guidelines. In other words, if
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God says, look, this is how to do marriage, do
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it his way. If he says this is how to raise your
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kids, do it his way. If he says this is how to
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respond to your parents, do it his way. If he
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says, look, here's how you do business relationships,
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friendships, do it his way. The second principle
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was that everyone is desperately insecure. We
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looked at the very beginning of time and Adam
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and Eve and that once sin entered the world,
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we're all, varying degrees, we're just desperately
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insecure people. And so we said the passage was
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Genesis chapter 3, and then our practice was
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take off your mask. Authenticity builds genuine
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relational intimacy, and hypocrisy destroys it.
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That great truth that people are not looking
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for perfect people, but people like you and me
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are really looking for authentic, real people.
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Principle number three is everyone behaves in
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a way that makes sense to them. Everyone you
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meet, every behavior you encounter, whether it's
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from your dad, your mom, your mate, your friend,
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your boss, an employee, everyone behaves in a
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way that makes sense to them. When people act
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in immature, inappropriate, or even have patterns
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that appear absolutely dysfunctional and damaging,
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they're doing it for reasons that at least inside
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their head and from their experience, it makes
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sense. Principle number four, You cannot impart
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what you do not possess. You say, well, what's
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that got to do with relationships? I'll get to
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that. Relationships, it all begins with God.
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What does he say? Then I understand every person
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beginning with me is desperately insecure. And
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then I begin to look at and process by saying,
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people act in all these unusual ways, but it
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actually makes sense to them. It makes sense.
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And then finally, you can't impart what you don't
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possess. In other words, if you do not like you,
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you will never love others. And I don't mean
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that like pop psychology. I mean like Jesus.
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You know, we say, what's the great commandment?
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Matthew 22, 38 and 39. You shall love the Lord
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your God with all your heart, with all your soul,
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with all your mind, and love your neighbor, how?
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As yourself. Now, if we're desperately insecure
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and I don't like me, it's really hard if I don't
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feel whole, if I don't feel loved, it's really
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hard to give away something I don't have. When
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I grew up in those early years in high school,
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I was, as I shared, very desperately insecure
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for lots of reasons. In seventh, I really liked
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sports. My dad, you know, We're impacted by our
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family. My dad was a great athlete, you know,
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drafted into the pros and, you know, won the
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state of golden gloves and boxing and all kind
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of great stuff. And so, you know, seventh grade,
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I'm four foot 11. Eighth grade, I shoot up to
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five feet one. Ninth grade, I'm five feet four
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in a junior high of seven or 800 students. And
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I weigh like a hundred and, you know, probably
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three pounds. In your childhood memory, when
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you can look at all the students of an entire
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school and you want to be a basketball player,
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and there's only two people that are shorter
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than you are, Cindy Christian and Brad Starr.
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Is that bizarre that I still remember their names?
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Right? Tell me our childhoods don't end. So here
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I am, the super skinny, super short, feeling
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desperately insecure, desperately inferior. So
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what did I do? I did what you do. We all compensate.
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And so some of the amazing good things I got
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from my father was set goals, develop a strategy,
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and work harder than everyone else. If you're
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working while they're sleeping, good things will
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happen to you. And so I became a workaholic at
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about 13 and driven. And I practiced when no
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one else practiced. And by God's grace, I bumped
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up a few inches eventually. But here's what happened.
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What I learned was that performance in school,
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in sports, in grades, relationship skills to
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get people to like me, and appearing in ways
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that people would approve would buy me affirmation.
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And affirmation feels a lot like love, but it's
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not. See, affirmation is I affirm you for what
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you did. I affirm you for how you look. I affirm
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you for what you accomplished. I affirm you because
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you're good with the guitar or good on the drums
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or good at basketball or good at lacrosse. I
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affirm you because, wow, you're one of the prettiest
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people I've ever seen. I affirm you because your
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dad's really rich and I like going on vacations
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with you. And so most of us, some point in time,
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figure out how to get affirmation. And then,
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by God's grace, many of us come to know Jesus.
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And we know intellectually what's happened. We
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were pulled out of the kingdom of darkness and
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the kingdom of God. All of our sins have been
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forgiven. We have a new father. We have a new
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family. We have a new peace. We have a new future.
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We have a certain. Our significance has been
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established. We're the object of God's love.
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The prayer of the upright is his delight. We're
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loved like we will never ever be loved, totally
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apart from our performance. And we're a brand
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new creature in Christ that we live out in this
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fallen world. But see, 2 Corinthians 5 .17 says,
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if any man or if any woman is in Christ, the
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old things pass away. Tense of the verb, they're
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gone forever. Behold, all things become new.
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Tense of the verb. It's a process. Yes, I was
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in darkness. Now I'm in light. I was a child
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of the darkness. Now I'm a son of the light.
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Yes, I'm forgiven. I'm significant. I'm loved.
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I have the Holy Spirit. I have gifts. I've been
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sealed. My future. I'm the object of God's affection.
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But it's a process. And so when I begin my marriage,
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some of these things that I've learned, they
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stick, don't they? It's called the flesh. And
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so I thought to myself, not consciously, let's
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see. If I want to have a good marriage and I
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want the most important person to love me, accept
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me, and affirm me in ways that really matter
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to me, I'll figure out what she wants. And so,
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okay, a good husband is this, this, and this.
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I'll do that. Oh, I guess it's this too. And
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then I need to do this. And so I performed, performed,
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and worked, and worked, and worked, and worked.
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But an amazing thing happened. I was working
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in the relationship to get my wife to love me
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in ways that I thought were significant to me.
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And it was all built, came out of what? Came
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out of a hole. Came out of my need. It came out
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of manipulating and trying to do the right thing
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to push the right buttons to get someone to love
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me. I wasn't loving her unconditionally. I was
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loving her in a way that I hoped I'd get love
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back. The passage is Ephesians 5, 1 and 2. It
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says, therefore, be imitators of God as beloved
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children and walk in love just as Christ also
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loved you and gave himself up for us as an offering
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and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. If
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you open your Bibles to this one, you've got
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to do a little work, okay? There's two commands
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there. But you've got to open your Bibles because
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the therefore means something happened in verse
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32 and 31 of chapter 4. As you turn there, you'll
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notice that The point is you can't impart what
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you don't possess. In other words, if you are
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not sensing, knowing, accepting the love that
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you already have from God, you can't give away
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love to others. You will be forced into some
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dysfunctional means of trying to manipulate,
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pretend, image cast to get people to affirm and
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to love you. But notice it says, therefore, be...
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Command one, be an imitator of God, a mimic.
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Well, what are you supposed to mimic? Look in
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your Bibles. What's verse 32 say? Go ahead, look
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in your Bibles. Therefore, be kind to one another,
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right? Tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
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just as God also in Christ has forgiven you.
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Well, what's verse 31? Skip up. Therefore, he
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says, you're this brand new person in relationships,
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do something. Let all malice and wrath and anger
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and slander and all these negative attitudes.
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What's it say? Put them away, but instead be
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kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving
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one another. And then the verse that we looked
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at is therefore be a mimic of God. You're to
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mimic God. Well, what's a mimic? A mimic, if
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one person does this, they do that. They do that,
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they do this. So what are we to mimic? We're
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to mimic. To be kind in relationships the way
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God is kind. We're to be tenderhearted with people
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the way God is tenderhearted. We're to forgive
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or release or let people go the way God has let
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us go and forgiven us based on Christ's work.
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And so you have a command that says, mimic God.
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And did you notice the second command? It says,
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walk in love. And then it describes what love
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looks like. This isn't an ooey -gooey feeling.
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How do you love? Just as Christ loved us. Well,
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how did he love us? A ooey -gooey feeling in
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his heart? Well, I hope there was some of that.
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But the Bible says the way he loved us, he gave
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himself up for us, a sacrifice, and he made his
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life a sacrifice he gave. He radically gave himself
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whether we responded or not. Now, here's what
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I want you to do. Between mimicking God, and
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walking in love, in parenthesis, and you could
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put a circle around it in your Bible, what's
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the little phrase between those? Mimic God, how?
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As a beloved child. Or literally, as a dearly
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loved child. Do you understand what the passage
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is teaching? He's saying, I want you to love
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in this impossible way. Forgive like God forgives.
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Be kind like God forgives. Be compassionate like
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God. And I want you to live this amazing, supernatural,
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sacrificial life toward others. But where's the
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resource? As a dearly loved child, you can't
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give away what you don't possess. My experience
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is the average Christian may intellectually know
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they're loved. The average Christian doesn't
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feel loved. You are significant. You are valuable.
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You are loved by God today apart from anything
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you could ever do as much as you will ever be
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loved. There's nothing you can do to diminish
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his love. There's nothing you can do to get more
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of his love. He loves you. And the basis of the
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Christian life is not, I'm going to read my Bible,
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I'm going to pray, I'm going to go on a mission
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trip, I'll try and be a good Christian, I'll
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try and have really good morals. Now, God, will
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you accept me? Do you love me? No, no, no, no,
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no. Completely opposite. It's you've already
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been forgiven. I love you. I care for you. The
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object of my affection, you are my child now.
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Walk in a manner worthy of who you already are.
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And you don't read your Bible to get brownie
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points. It's because you like being together.
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I mean, I don't go have coffee with my wife and
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say, okay, excuse me, dear, do we have the little
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box? Talked with wife today. Okay, the next little
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box. Oh, help clean up around the house. Now
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do you love me? I do that. Are you ready for
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this? I like her. I just want to be with her.
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She loves and accepts me. The Christian life
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is knowing, believing and feeling that you are
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so loved and accepted that now you can be a giver
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in relationships. And no relationship works if
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ultimately your desire is to get something from
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it. If you pretend to give affection or give
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it, but the string is, I will be affectionate
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if you do this. If you give gifts so that this
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will happen. If you play little games to manipulate
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one another, what happens is as soon as the other
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person isn't coming through, then what happens?
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You're hurt, you're rejected, you're angry. See,
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God's not asking you to be nice to your mate
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or nice to your kids or nice to your parents
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or be a good old Joe out there in the marketplace.
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He's asking you to mimic God. Treat them the
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way Jesus would treat them if he was walking
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around inside your body. And you do need to remember
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he is, right? He dwells in you. How in the world
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can you do that? You can only do it when you
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so accept, know, and believe that you are dearly,
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dearly loved by God. Otherwise, I jot in my notes,
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until I find my significant security and value
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from my relationship with Jesus, Every relationship
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will be a dysfunctional attempt to get love and
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acceptance from others through my performance,
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manipulation, looks, barter, or deceit. Can I
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tell you the greatest thing that will ever happen
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in any of your relationships is for you to really
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believe, not just with the head but from the
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heart, that you are so loved by God that you
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are now secure enough. to risk loving and caring
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and giving even if it doesn't come back. And
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so I've come to the point where, you know, you
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get up and talk in front of people. Do I want
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you to like me? Are you kidding me? Yeah. Do
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I want your approval? Yeah. Do I want my wife's
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approval? Yeah. Do I want my kids to think this
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and that about me? Of course. But if that's my
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motivation, guess what? I will pretend to be
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something I'll not. I won't say what God really
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wants me to say. So I've come to, it's okay to
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want that. I just don't need it. And you don't
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need it either. And there is no person that will
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ever come through for you 100 % of the time.
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There's no next job, no wonderful house, no amount
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of money, no accomplishment, no big goal that
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you can achieve that when you achieve it, you
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go, oh, now I'm a somebody. I'm significant.
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I'm value. You know what will happen? About three
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minutes after you achieve that or have that,
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you'll realize this doesn't deliver. I'm the
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cat chasing its tail. Well, I guess I just need
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a bigger thing or a new model or a prettier or
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a... And so here's the practice. Loving others'
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demand, I learn to know, accept, and feel God's
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unconditional love for me. You need to know,
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accept, and feel God's unconditional love for
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me. And if you feel like you're a little behind
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on this, I was probably a Christian at least
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10 years and a pastor. before I realized how
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much of my energy and my service to God was really
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about trying to gain his approval and people's
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approval rather than living out of being already
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loved. Let me give you some specific ways to
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go to work on this. The first one is, how do
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you know? Knowledge is an intellectual issue.
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Jot down, if you would, Romans 5 .8. Romans 5
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.8 says, while you were yet a sinner, Christ
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demonstrated his love for you and that he died
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for you. So, I mean, before you even join the
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family and those people who choose not to join
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the family, those people who God loves them,
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they won't receive the benefits of that love
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because of their pride and their unwillingness
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to surrender to his love. But isn't it good to
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remember to know God loves you apart from your
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performance? Now, it doesn't mean your performance
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isn't important. because that's the way I express
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my love to him, but you can't earn it. Well,
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then how do you accept God's love? How do you
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get where, just being the regular old normal
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people that we all are, how do you get where
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you begin to know and accept that you really
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are loved so you don't have to manipulate and
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perform and do all this stuff that, by the way,
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we will all do to some degree until we die, right?
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First of all, I think jot down, if you would,
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in your notes, Psalm 139. Here's what God thinks
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of you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
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God doesn't compare you to the person on the
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front of Cosmo or people. God doesn't compare
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you to someone on the front of Fortune 500. You
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are fearfully and wonderfully made. The all -knowing,
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all -powerful, all -wise God of all the universe,
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and we're just this one little tiny part of it,
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created you, and he loves just what he made.
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Like we say, oh, that's a Rembrandt. What a great
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work of art God says. He made you, and then he
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steps back and goes, you want to see greatness?
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There it is. It's the pinnacle of my creation.
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There's not another one like it in all the world.
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There's a DNA, there's eyes, there's a way of
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thinking, there's a background, there's a family.
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All this put together to bring me honor and glory.
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My image is stamped on this person. The color
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of eyes, the color of hair, the personality,
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the how your mind thinks, what you're good at,
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what you're not good at. He says, you are exactly
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what I wanted to make. But most of us spend most
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of our energy looking around what the world says.
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And trying to be like someone else or look like
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someone else or perform like someone else instead
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of saying, you ready? Try looking in the mirror
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this week. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
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I look exactly how God wanted me to look. God's
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standard of beauty and value and significance
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is the only one that matters. Tell you what,
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you begin to renew your mind. I started writing
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these things on cards and that verse Psalm 139,
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I began to pray them back to God. Because see,
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in my mind, the people that are wonderfully made
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are 6 '6 and can jump a lot higher than me, okay?
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All my life. You know, it's people who could
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do this. Where did I get all that? Until I came
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to the point where, are you ready? Until you
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like you, you can't love other people. And by
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like, I don't mean that you're content with,
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you know, behavior or issues that you know are
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ungodly. I mean where you say, you know something?
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I have these strengths and I have these weaknesses,
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and this is the package that God made. And the
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strengths are to build confidence and a part
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of God's glory, and the weaknesses are so that
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I'm always dependent on other people and realize
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that I can't make this little world by myself.
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I can never make it without others. The second
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way I think you get a grasp of how loved you
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are is by the price or your value to God. I mean,
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if we lined up, can you imagine? What if we lined
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up everyone on this back wall, every single person,
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and then we brought in a multi -multi -billionaire,
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and we said, you can only choose one person,
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and you have to pay $1 billion for this one person.
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And when you pay that, you can have them, and
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they're yours. And what if he looked and looked
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and looked and did research and did all kind
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of things and looked at everything that everyone
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in this whole room brought, and then he said,
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you, $1 billion for you. Or he said, you. Or
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he said, you. And then all of us are here, and
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he writes out a check for $1 billion, and you
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step out. Would you not feel pretty good about
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yourself? Huh? Jot down, would you, 1 Corinthians
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6, 19 and 20. God didn't pay a billion dollars
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for you. Do you not know that you are not your
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own, that your body is the temple of the Holy
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Spirit? that you have been purchased with a price.
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Jesus, all -knowing, all -powerful, looking down
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all the corridors of all time and eternity, said,
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when your name comes up on the computer screen
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of the eternal Godhead, I'll pay the blood of
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my son for the person sitting in your seat. That's
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how much you matter. I mean, you know, if we
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have a little diamond and it costs $1 ,000, we
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say it's worth something. If we have a big diamond
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and it costs a million dollars, we say it's worth
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a lot more. Why? Because of the cost. See, part
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of us, we just need to begin to grasp how valuable
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we are because of who made us and how valuable
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we are because we've been purchased. And then
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I think we need to practically not just know,
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not just accept, But my journey has been, how
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do you feel? How do you get that from here to
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here? And as I read Scripture, for the last 30
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years, I took this little book on the character
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of God, and there's lots of chapters. It's a
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book on God's character, the knowledge of the
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holy bitoser. But I've read the goodness of God
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probably 10 times more, and on the love of God
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10 times more than any chapter in this book for
23:19
30 years. In some stages for a decade at a time,
23:22
I read at least a chapter a week or more. And
23:25
then I would write on a card a little quote and
23:28
a passage. And the only way I could learn...
23:31
to get it from my head to my heart, was to take
23:34
that truth and pray it to God and ask him to
23:37
make real in my heart what is true and help me
23:40
to feel it. And then I learned from scripture
23:42
from David that if I would sing that and share
23:45
that with God and rejoice over it, I would begin
23:48
to emotionally experience it. What if you said
23:51
to yourself as your eyes open in the morning,
23:54
you could hear the Lord saying, Zephaniah 3 .17,
23:57
I am the Lord your God. I am with you. I will
24:03
protect you and cover you with my love. I rejoice
24:07
over you with singing. What if God wasn't down
24:11
on you? What if he really likes you? What if
24:13
he has a great plan for you? And what if you
24:16
are so significant and valuable already that
24:20
what other people think matters, but it doesn't
24:24
dictate who you are? You see, you can't impart.
24:29
which you don't possess. And as you listen to
24:32
the Apostle Paul building the church, what did
24:34
he pray? Chapter 1, I pray that the eyes of their
24:37
heart might be enlightened, that they might grasp
24:39
or understand the strength of your power, the
24:42
power of Christ's resurrection dwelling in them.
24:45
And then in chapter 3, he says, I bow my knee
24:47
with all the family of God that you might be
24:50
strengthened in your inner man so you could comprehend
24:52
beyond... Just intellectual aspects. What is
24:55
the height and depth and length and breadth?
24:57
And to know, and the word is by way of experience,
25:00
God's love for you. Having been deeply rooted
25:04
and grounded in faith. See, I'll tell you what.
25:09
Relationships begin with really understanding,
25:11
hey, it's all about God's way of doing it. Accepting
25:14
yourself and one another. We're all a bunch of
25:18
desperately insecure people. that people really
25:20
do behave in ways that make sense to them, but
25:22
not usually to us. And that I can't give away,
25:25
I just can't give away what I don't have. And
25:29
maybe the greatest thing I could do for every
25:31
relationship is to know, accept, and believe,
25:35
and to feel that I am loved for who I am apart
25:39
from any performance today by the eternal God
25:43
of the universe. And then kind of take the pressure
25:46
off of... trying to impress you all as much I
25:48
try to impress you and try and look or do different
25:51
things that get your affirmation and just kind
25:54
of say, you know, Lord, you know, if they like
25:57
you today, they kind of hate you tomorrow. That
25:59
was the way with you, right? You know, they're
26:01
cheering one day, crucifying you three days later.
26:04
There was something to the heart of Christ who
26:06
said he didn't entrust himself to people. We're
26:09
all a bunch of fallen human beings, but you're
26:12
valuable. And he wants you to be a giver. And
26:16
He loves you just the way you are. You're listening
26:22
to Living on the Edge with a message titled You
26:25
Can't Give Away What You Don't Possess. If you
26:28
ever miss one of these daily messages, just catch
26:31
up online at livingontheedge .org. We're in a
26:35
series called Caring Enough to Connect, building
26:37
bridges to those we love. And if you'd like to
26:40
catch anything you missed, including Chip's special
26:42
interview with Aaron Pierce, subscribe to the
26:45
Living on the Edge podcast. Real love only flows
26:49
out of people who already know deep down that
26:52
they're loved by God. And that's just as true
26:54
for the hardest relationship in your life as
26:57
it is for the easiest one. If there's someone
27:00
in your own life who feels far from God right
27:02
now, don't let today be the end of it. Aaron
27:05
Pierce's book, Not Beyond Reach, picks up right
27:08
where his recent interview with Chip left off,
27:10
walking you step by step from friendship to real
27:13
spiritual conversation to the gospel itself,
27:16
so you know exactly what to say and when to say
27:19
it. So get your copy of the book, Not Beyond
27:22
Reach, at a special price today at livingontheedge
27:26
.org slash offers. You know, these powerful,
27:30
honest teachings only reach people because listeners
27:32
like you decide again and again that it's worth
27:35
supporting. Give a gift right now and put your
27:38
generosity behind a ministry that equips ordinary
27:41
believers to have the conversations that actually
27:44
matter. Just give online at livingontheedge .org
27:47
or call our team at 888 -333 -6003. Or send your
27:53
gift by mail to Living on the Edge, P .O. Box
27:56
3007, Sewanee, Georgia 30024. Well, now here's
28:02
Chip Ingram. As we close today's program, I would
28:05
just bring your mind back to those prayers that
28:10
I quoted by the Apostle Paul. Isn't it interesting?
28:13
These people living in such a difficult time
28:16
and in a difficult place that what he prays for
28:19
them is that they would be able to grasp. that
28:22
they would understand, not just with their mind,
28:24
but with their heart. In fact, he prays that
28:26
beyond their human comprehension, that we would
28:31
understand and grasp and feel and experience
28:34
the love of God. Could I just ask you to just
28:37
lean back and think of how you would think differently
28:41
and relate differently if you could hear in your
28:44
heart God saying, hey, today, I'm with you no
28:48
matter what. Hey, I'm not down on you. I love
28:52
you. I'm for you. What if you believe just even
28:56
as you and I are talking right now that, you
28:59
know, today is a part of an amazing and a great
29:02
plan that God has for my life. And he literally
29:06
loves me and just wants me to kind of have my
29:09
spiritual antenna up and listen to him and take
29:12
the next step that he shows me so he could give
29:14
me the very, very best in life. You see, when
29:18
you begin to internalize how lavishly God loves
29:21
you, only then can you begin to pass it on. I
29:26
can't imitate unconditional kindness and love
29:29
and forgiveness unless I've experienced that.
29:32
And so what we're really talking about here is
29:34
you saying to the Lord, Lord, will you help me
29:38
grasp and understand how much you love me? And
29:42
then, you know, it's not just some ooey -gooey
29:44
feeling. It's getting into the scriptures. It's
29:47
trusting the promise that draw near to God and
29:50
he'll draw near to you. It's arranging your life
29:54
where you actually experience God's love. Because
29:59
there are some relationships that are always
30:01
going to be hard. And you cannot give away what
30:04
you don't possess. Unconditional love and forgiveness
30:08
for some people in your life. I call them hard
30:12
relationships. can only be achieved when you
30:16
receive that same love. That's Chip Ingram and
30:19
the end of today's program. Join us next time
30:22
as we continue our series, Caring Enough to Connect,
30:25
here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is
30:31
produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.