Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 179: Ayni: Sacred Reciprocity in Relationships

Transcript

179: Ayni: Sacred Reciprocity in Relationships · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help recovering people pleasers, create more balanced and reciprocal relationships.
• 0:28
  And before we dive into today's episode, I wanted to start by sharing some really big news with you, which if you follow me on social media, then you already know.
• 0:35
  But I just discovered that this podcast, Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker is now in the top 5% of podcasts globally, which is totally blowing my mind.
• 0:45
  So thank you so much for listening.
• 0:47
  Thank you so much for sharing.
• 0:48
  Thank you so much for reviewing, and thank you just so much for being here.
• 0:52
  I really appreciate you.
• 0:54
  Also, as of the time of this recording, it is also the three year anniversary of this podcast.
• 1:00
  So this is episode 179.
• 1:03
  So if you are new here, then there is so much to listen to.
• 1:06
  And while these episodes, yes.
• 1:07
  Some of them do build upon each other.
• 1:09
  A lot of them are standalone episodes, but we have so much content here for you to just consume at whatever rate you would like.
• 1:16
  So while you don't have to start at the beginning, it can be a lot of fun to just kind of see the evolution of the podcast.
• 1:21
  So anyway, just thought I'd share that.
• 1:23
  But thank you so much for being here.
• 1:25
  So Today I'm going to be sharing a new word with you that you may not have heard before.
• 1:29
  This is kind of a new word to me, but I absolutely love it.
• 1:32
  And the word is ayni.
• 1:34
  A YNI.
• 1:35
  And that is the sacred principle of reciprocity.
• 1:39
  But before we really get into what that means, I wanna share with you a dream that I had just last night because, oh my goodness, it is still sticking with me.
• 1:46
  Do you ever have those dreams that just really linger and really impact your nervous system?
• 1:50
  So, as you know, I am a recovering people pleaser myself, and I have struggled at times with creating balanced reciprocation in relationship.
• 1:57
  And so this particular dream, it really activated my nervous system.
• 2:01
  But even though I still found myself being a little bit, um, activated by this dream, I am reminding myself that ok, it was just a dream.
• 2:09
  So here's my dream.
• 2:11
  In my dream.
• 2:12
  Then I had agreed to babysit for a friend.
• 2:14
  I was gonna babysit her two children for a week while she went and did something.
• 2:18
  And I kind of knew what the expectation was.
• 2:20
  So I was able to give a wholehearted yes, I had a great time with the kiddos.
• 2:25
  I even bought one of them a bike, and I was able to show up fully because I knew when it was going to end.
• 2:31
  But then when mom came to pick up the kids, then I realized that something else was happening, and this is when I started to get a little bit worked up in my dream, is when the mom showed up to pick up the kids, she wasn't just showing up to pick up the kids, but she showed up with her own suitcase and said, oh, just to thank you for watching my kids.
• 2:49
  I just figured that you could really use some grownup time.
• 2:51
  So I I would stay for another week, so won't that be fun?
• 2:55
  And she started listing off different activities and events that we could go to.
• 2:59
  And as she listed off these events, these were things that I wouldn't necessarily choose to put my time and energy and money into, but people-pleasing-dream-me didn't tell her that, oh, this is kind of inconvenient.
• 3:10
  I don't have enough food in my fridge.
• 3:12
  I need to go shopping.
• 3:13
  I've rescheduled things to be during this time because I thought I'd have an empty house.
• 3:17
  But instead of telling her that, instead, I felt really compelled to receive her form of gratitude even though it didn't serve me.
• 3:25
  So my mind started racing, trying to figure out, ok, well do I still have enough food in the fridge?
• 3:30
  What could I scrap up for dinner tonight?
• 3:32
  In my dream, I felt obligated to receive her gift, but my mind was absolutely scrambling thinking, well, what about my energy level?
• 3:40
  What about my schedule?
• 3:41
  What do I need to rearrange in my life in order to accommodate her generosity, which made it feel less like a generosity and more like an inconvenience.
• 3:51
  So here's the real kicker though, is in her mind then she was creating balance in the relationship.
• 3:55
  But in my mind, it was creating imbalance.
• 3:58
  This simply was not what I had signed up for, and this dream is kind of the perfect entry point into better understanding what ayni is.
• 4:06
  So ayni is the Andan principle of sacred reciprocity.
• 4:10
  So this is not the transactional way that we often think about reciprocity here in the west where giving and receiving can look like scorekeeping or sameness and equality.
• 4:19
  For example, I babysat your kids for a week, now you babysit mine for a week.
• 4:23
  But instead, ayni energy is about creating sacred balance.
• 4:28
  Essentially, ayni is a mindfulness practice.
• 4:30
  It is noticing where the flow of energy is going, where it needs to go, and then intentionally making things more sustainable for all parties involved.
• 4:40
  And so let me kind of use an example of a garden.
• 4:43
  If I only went into the garden to pick fruit and I never replanted, if I never cleared the weeds, if I never watered, then soon there wouldn't be any fruit to pick.
• 4:52
  It wouldn't be sustainable.
• 4:54
  Also, if I made my relationship with the garden about sameness, it might look like, oh, I took food from the garden i'm going to give food to the garden.
• 5:01
  So I'm gonna give the garden a slice of pizza.
• 5:04
  That'll be great.
• 5:05
  But as we know, that's not going to fill the need for the garden.
• 5:08
  It doesn't serve the relationship.
• 5:11
  But if I were mindful about it and I thought, ok, what does the garden need to grow?
• 5:15
  How could I give back to the garden?
• 5:17
  Not only would the garden be happy, but I would receive an abundance of produce, so it would be benefiting both me and the garden.
• 5:25
  Ayni means being mindful of the energy flowing where it needs to go for nourishment.
• 5:30
  Now, in my dream, I didn't expect that watching this friend's children meant that she would watch mine.
• 5:34
  In fact, all that I really wanted in return was just sincere gratitude, some appreciation, and then a kid free break once I was done serving her.
• 5:42
  But what I received instead was actually more weight on my shoulders, dressed up as appreciation, which I was feeling compelled that uhoh, now I have to receive it.
• 5:50
  I'm now obligated to receive what it is that she's offering in the way she's choosing to offer it.
• 5:55
  But that wasn't going to fill my need, and it wasn't going to create balance or sustainability in our friendship.
• 6:01
  When reciprocity is mindfully aligned and balanced, it strengthens trust, resilience, and belonging in relationship.
• 6:09
  We know that we will also be cared for, which allows us to give more freely because we know that there's going to be ebbs and flows, but that what we invest will actually come back to us in return.
• 6:19
  When ayni energy is misaligned, then it creates those feelings of obligation, resentment, or even disconnect in relationship, which isn't sustainable for anyone.
• 6:29
  So if you are currently experiencing obligation, resentment, or disconnect in your relationships, it might be a sign that things are out of balance for you and that something needs to change Now for those of you who listen to this podcast, the recovering people pleasers, it is especially easy for this population to fall into the trap of overly accommodating other people.
• 6:48
  Just like what I was doing in my dream.
• 6:50
  Which instantly leads to burnout, right?
• 6:52
  When we're overgiving, it's going to lead to that burnout, to that overwhelm.
• 6:56
  And when we're in that burned out state, it makes it more likely that we're going to start to view reciprocation through that lens of sameness.
• 7:04
  But with ayni being a sacred principle, I want to share with you two things for this audience in particular to consider as you're looking for this flow.
• 7:11
  Ok?
• 7:12
  Number one, sometimes reciprocation means being willing to ask for what it is that you need.
• 7:17
  And number two, sometimes the cup filling comes from somewhere else entirely.
• 7:21
  So first, let's talk about asking for what it is that you need.
• 7:24
  And I wanna give you another personal example here.
• 7:26
  I was recently collaborating with a colleague of mine and we were on fire with fun ideas.
• 7:31
  You guys, there are so many fun projects in the works and the energy of our collaboration...
• 7:36
  it was incredible.
• 7:37
  We just were having idea after idea after idea.
• 7:40
  And soon after a brainstorming session.
• 7:42
  Then I got a text from this friend.
• 7:43
  And she said, you know what?
• 7:45
  I don't mean to rain on your parade, but I'm worried that if we try to do all of this at once, that I'll feel burned out.
• 7:50
  Would it be ok if we just picked one project for now?
• 7:53
  And it was obvious to me in that moment that her desire, it didn't match her current capacity at the time, which meant that both of our levels of investment needed to shift a little bit in order to make it more sustainable for this collaboration to happen.
• 8:06
  So I instantly responded and I said, girl, you are not reading on my parade.
• 8:10
  You are sunshine.
• 8:11
  And because I love you and I want you to stay on your sunshine energy, I want to know your limits.
• 8:17
  And honestly, I was truly grateful that she said something because I'm the kind of person that gets super excited and then overcommits and then ends free regretting it later.
• 8:26
  So I was very grateful she said something.
• 8:28
  But also I think that in that little exchange, I think that both of our old people pleasing wounds heals just a little bit.
• 8:34
  It was ok to change plans, and in fact, in that moment then it was exactly what was needed in order to make our relationship more authentic, more loving, and more sustainable for both of us.
• 8:46
  And her vulnerability of acknowledging what it was that she was capable of at the moment, it really made me fall even more in love with this colleague because I really felt like, ok, it's safe enough for us to be real with each other.
• 8:59
  Ayni isn't about doing everything, but it's about doing what's balanced for both sides.
• 9:06
  Another example, when I was working as an energy practitioner, I used to really struggle with what to charge people.
• 9:11
  Which is total classic people pleaser energy, right?
• 9:15
  And my indecision around what to charge people.
• 9:18
  Then it was challenged by other people as well.
• 9:20
  In fact, I had some people tell me that I shouldn't charge at all for sharing my gifts because it was something that came easily to me.
• 9:27
  So, because it came easily to me, I should just do it for free.
• 9:30
  And the people pleaser in me felt very conflicted by this.
• 9:33
  But over time, I noticed something.
• 9:36
  I noticed that the clients who offered some form of reciprocation, and yes, most of the time this was a cash payment, but other times it was produce, tamales, or even artwork, that those clients were the clients who experienced the deepest and most profound healing.
• 9:52
  And why?
• 9:54
  Because reciprocation and appreciation contribute to personal healing.
• 10:00
  And this experience taught me that by not charging, I was actually doing myself and others a disservice.
• 10:07
  Because without some form of reciprocity, the healing was incomplete.
• 10:10
  Not only was I not getting paid and feeling like I was more invested in the relationship than they were, but they were not truly invested into their personal healing.
• 10:20
  And this is really what ayni Energy teaches us, that reciprocity is energy.
• 10:24
  And when energy flows in both directions, everyone benefits.
• 10:29
  It's like watering the garden.
• 10:31
  So now let's talk a bit about how ayni shows up in unexpected ways.
• 10:35
  Yes.
• 10:35
  Sometimes ayni is within individual relationships where we can notice in this relationship it's going back and forth, but it's also kind of a little bit of"what goes around comes around,""what you put out is going to be returned to you." For example, somebody who is a caregiver, they might not receive as much from the one that they're caring for.
• 10:53
  It can look disproportionate on the surface, but maybe they're receiving in other ways.
• 10:58
  maybe when they get home from caregiving, somebody else's caring for them.
• 11:01
  maybe the person that they're caregiving, then they're reciprocating by the way of sharing stories or experience or gratitude and appreciation.
• 11:09
  maybe it comes to them through another relationship entirely, where somebody's just thinking about them and thinks, oh, hey, let's just meet up for lunch.
• 11:15
  I think that'd be great.
• 11:16
  They're finding other ways that their cup is being filled because they're being so kind and generous with their actions.
• 11:22
  So it might not look the same, but things do come back around, and when you attune yourself intentionally to looking for the ways that things are coming back to you, that's what you're going to see.
• 11:34
  Remember that what you focus on expands, and so simply shifting your mindset a little bit to actively look for the ways that others are expressing, love that others are reciprocating, you're going to start seeing it more and more, and you'll be able to recognize and appreciate their capacity for reciprocation, even if it's looking like tamales or artwork, right?
• 11:55
  For example, maybe you spend an evening listening to a friend who's been really going through a hard time and later then they reciprocate by cheering you on and celebrating your wins with you.
• 12:04
  I had a girlfriend reach out to me and she said, you know what?
• 12:06
  I just binge listening to your podcast and you are getting so close to episode 200.
• 12:10
  What are we going to do to celebrate?
• 12:12
  And it just made me feel so good.
• 12:14
  What a kind way to just notice and how that notice.
• 12:16
  Thing really helped to fill my cup and helped me to feel like things are balanced and fulfilling and sustainable in that relationship.
• 12:23
  The reciprocity isn't identical, but it is balanced with emotional support flowing in both ways.
• 12:30
  Or maybe a coworker covers your shift when you have a family emergency, and then a week later you decide to take on one of their tasks when they're feeling overloaded.
• 12:39
  So now both of you're feeling supported rather than feeling taken advantage of.
• 12:43
  Or maybe you're harvesting vegetables from your garden and before you eat the vegetables, you offer gratitude.
• 12:49
  Maybe you compost your food scraps back into the soil or plant new seeds.
• 12:53
  So you're not just taking, but you're actively participating in a cycle that really sustains itself.
• 13:00
  Ayni is a mindfulness practice.
• 13:02
  It is noticing the capacity of all involved.
• 13:05
  Now remember that it's not about scorekeeping, but it's about finding a balance that works for both parties.
• 13:11
  So how can we begin practicing ayni Today, first of all, you're doing it right now.
• 13:17
  I put time and energy into writing and preparing this podcast, and you're repaying me with your time, which is the best gift ever.
• 13:24
  So thank you.
• 13:25
  maybe you also choose to leave me a review or to share with a friend, and not only does this help me, but it helps others when you share it too.
• 13:34
  Maybe you wanna start practicing daily gratitudes.
• 13:37
  This might mean being more mindful about the little ways that people are serving you and giving thanks for that.
• 13:42
  It might look like telling somebody, thank you for holding a door or reciprocating with a smile.
• 13:46
  maybe it's writing a thank you note or finding some other way to let people know that you really see and appreciate them.
• 13:52
  maybe you want to start your own ripple effect by initiating kindness.
• 13:57
  So this might mean baking cookies for a neighbor or spreading wildflower seeds on your morning walk or initiating a get together with somebody that you really wanna connect with.
• 14:06
  Another way that you can practice ayni energy is just noticing the flow and becoming more curious and mindful about it.
• 14:13
  Notice where in your life are you always giving.
• 14:16
  Where is it that you might be mostly receiving?
• 14:19
  Where might there be some imbalances in your relationships?
• 14:23
  And what might need to happen in order for those balances to be restored?
• 14:27
  Do you need to make request?
• 14:29
  Do you need to give more back?
• 14:31
  Do you need to initiate or speak up?
• 14:33
  What is needed right now to create that balance?
• 14:36
  Now, I want you to remember that ayni is not a checklist of, ok, I'm gonna do this so that I can get that.
• 14:41
  It's not an equation or a problem to solve.
• 14:43
  It's having faith and trust that what you put out will be reciprocated.
• 14:47
  It's about finding more positive and sustainable rhythm in your relationships.
• 14:51
  It's a way of living more and harmony with yourself, others, and the world around you.
• 14:56
  Ayni is a sacred reminder that we are all interconnected and that what you put out into the world, it is going to come back to you probably in unexpected ways.
• 15:06
  Now if this episode has resonated with you, I encourage you to share it with a friend who might also be carrying the weight of imbalance in their relationships.
• 15:12
  And remember that ayni doesn't mean sameness or scorekeeping, but it means sacred reciprocation.
• 15:18
  It is a mindfulness practice that ultimately creates gratitude and balance in relationship, and it starts with what you are willing to put out into the world.
• 15:26
  What you put out will come back.
• 15:29
  I know that you are somebody who loves to pour into others, and now is the time to be more mindful about looking for the ways that you are also receiving to step into that space of gratitude and receive a part of all of that goodness that you've added to the lives of others.
• 15:45
  If you are ready to experience what balanced reciprocity can feel like, I would love to work with you as your coach.
• 15:50
  Together then we can see where you might be experiencing imbalance and explore wMaryAnns to restore or create balance in your relationships, which will absolutely lead to more gratitude and connection.
• 16:00
  I do have a few spots opening up for October, and I truly believe that you'll be blown away by what you'll receive through coaching when you choose to invest in yourself.
• 16:09
  So if you are ready to invest into you, you can check out the show notes to find all of my contact information.
• 16:15
  I'd love to work with you, and until then, I hope you have a balanced and fulfilling life.
• 16:19
  I'll see you next week.