Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 451. Charisma is learnt and how to master it.

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451. Charisma is learnt and how to master it. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:08
Speaker 1: Hellose beautiful bands and welcome to the podcast.
0:10
Speaker 2: Episode Afterday. So this episode is all about charisma.
0:15
Speaker 1: Is it learnt? Is it innate? I mean, you know.
0:20
Speaker 2: By the fucking title of this episode that charisma is
0:24
Speaker 2: learned and that there are ways that you can get
0:26
Speaker 2: more of it. This and this is what I love
0:28
Speaker 2: the most about it. It does not matter if you
0:30
Speaker 2: are introverted, or if you are extroverted, or if you're
0:34
Speaker 2: like me and you're an ambivert. This applies to absolutely everyone.
0:37
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people.
0:38
Speaker 2: Think that charisma is very much something that extroverted people
0:43
Speaker 2: have and introverted people may not have. But that is
0:46
Speaker 2: not the case at all. And there's certain traits that
0:50
Speaker 2: lean more into kind of innate things that extroverted people
0:53
Speaker 2: may have. But those traits can also be used by
0:56
Speaker 2: introverts without feeling like you have to be extra quote
1:00
Speaker 2: unquote in order to be able to use those traits. Okay,
1:03
Speaker 2: so it is learned. You can actually become more charismatic.
1:07
Speaker 2: And the reason why I wanted to do this episode
1:09
Speaker 2: is because be how you want to be. If you
1:11
Speaker 2: don't want to be charismatic, don't be charismatic. But the
1:14
Speaker 2: reason why being charismatic is so good is because having
1:17
Speaker 2: charisma is a really really good way of having people
1:21
Speaker 2: be able to relate to you, feel comfortable around you,
1:26
Speaker 2: feel like they can share things with you, connect with
1:29
Speaker 2: you in a faster way, and on a deeper level.
1:32
Speaker 1: There's many, many, many, many many.
1:33
Speaker 2: Things that having charisma will kind of give you as
1:38
Speaker 2: far as forming relationships, for whether it's professional or whether
1:42
Speaker 2: it's intimate relationships, forming bonds, especially making new friends, which
1:46
Speaker 2: is something that I get asked about all the fucking
1:48
Speaker 2: time on this podcast. So I think it's cool that
1:51
Speaker 2: charisma can be learned and you can kind of lean
1:54
Speaker 2: into these little tricks and skills to up your charisma
1:59
Speaker 2: and to see how that impacts your work life, your
2:01
Speaker 2: social life, all the above. Now, little life update. I,
2:06
Speaker 2: as you guys know, I've mentioned this every fucking episode
2:09
Speaker 2: for the last couple of episodes, But you guys are
2:11
Speaker 2: listening to this well after I've recorded this. I'm batch
2:15
Speaker 2: recording as many episodes as possible before the babies arrive.
2:18
Speaker 2: By the time you're listening to this, I would have
2:20
Speaker 2: had the twins, so I'm really batch recordings for my
2:24
Speaker 2: maternity leave, which I'm taking but I don't want there
2:27
Speaker 2: to be too big a patch where there's no episodes
2:29
Speaker 2: or just on core episodes. So here I am extremely
2:34
Speaker 2: large and in charge. I'm recording this at thirty two
2:36
Speaker 2: weeks pregnant, and we're probably gonna go at thirty seven
2:39
Speaker 2: weeks hopefully, hopefully.
2:42
Speaker 1: But for those of you that normally watch my.
2:43
Speaker 2: Video podcast, because I have the video version of my
2:46
Speaker 2: podcast available on Spotify, for those of you that watch that,
2:49
Speaker 2: you're going to realize that today is not a video episode.
2:52
Speaker 2: And the reason for that is that my skin is
2:56
Speaker 2: blowing up. And when I talk about my skin blowing up,
2:59
Speaker 2: I don't have some crazy disease. These people like I
3:02
Speaker 2: just am an exemer child at the best of times, like,
3:06
Speaker 2: oh god, I really hope but it passes down onto
3:09
Speaker 2: the fucking twins. But I have like dry skin and
3:13
Speaker 2: ximum and my skin gets irritated, especially on my face,
3:17
Speaker 2: very easy. And I think a lot of people think, oh,
3:19
Speaker 2: your skin looks really good. That just doesn't make sense.
3:21
Speaker 2: It's because it's from day to day. That's how temperamental
3:24
Speaker 2: my skin is. I can wake up one day with
3:26
Speaker 2: glowing skin and I'm talking glowing eye myself am shocked
3:30
Speaker 2: at how good it is, and then the very next
3:32
Speaker 2: day the skin around my entire mouth is peeling off.
3:35
Speaker 2: I look like I had a chemical peel, and it's
3:38
Speaker 2: like the aftermath of a chemical pill. I'm talking about
3:40
Speaker 2: flakes of skin falling off my face the very next day,
3:43
Speaker 2: and then two days.
3:44
Speaker 1: Later, I'm back to smooth, glowing skin.
3:46
Speaker 2: So it's not like you know, it's obviously, it's nowhere
3:50
Speaker 2: near as bad as having something like, you know, a
3:53
Speaker 2: chronic thing where it's flaring up twenty four seven, So
3:56
Speaker 2: I'm very grateful for that, but it's also extremely unpredictable,
3:58
Speaker 2: and the pregnancy has made it so much like, so
4:02
Speaker 2: much more aggressive. I'm telling you right now, if you
4:04
Speaker 2: saw the skin like on my bottom lip chin area,
4:09
Speaker 2: you would be like, girl who put chemicals on your face?
4:12
Speaker 2: And why is your face peeling off right now? That's
4:14
Speaker 2: what it looks like. So I'm like, you know what,
4:16
Speaker 2: I don't want to be on camera right now. It's
4:17
Speaker 2: just I'm not about that life at this very moment.
4:21
Speaker 1: So I thought, I'm going to go back.
4:22
Speaker 2: To the old school system and just do an audio
4:26
Speaker 2: podcast for the next episode or two, So that way
4:29
Speaker 2: I'm not like postponing, getting the content down and doing.
4:34
Speaker 1: All that shit.
4:35
Speaker 2: Also, I had my baby shower yesterday and my skin
4:37
Speaker 2: was not peeling off, so I really can't complain.
4:39
Speaker 1: Such a good baby shower. There was so much food.
4:41
Speaker 2: I was like, this needs to be an ethnic delight,
4:45
Speaker 2: this baby shower, and it was. I had like my
4:47
Speaker 2: cousin and I cooked all these Spanish things, my father
4:51
Speaker 2: cooked things, my mom did, my auntie and uncle brought things.
4:54
Speaker 1: Honestly, it was incredible live.
4:56
Speaker 2: My best friend helped set the whole thing up, like
5:00
Speaker 2: did the coolest table settings, Like we.
5:02
Speaker 1: Just had the best time.
5:03
Speaker 2: We had it at Tyrone and I had it at
5:05
Speaker 2: our place, and it was one of those baby showers
5:07
Speaker 2: where we invite everyone. I don't personally, I didn't want
5:10
Speaker 2: a baby shower where it's just the women because for me,
5:13
Speaker 2: I'm like, the baby why I don't know, it's to
5:17
Speaker 2: their own and fucking do what makes you thrive in life?
5:20
Speaker 1: But why is the baby associated with the.
5:23
Speaker 2: Woman and the woman having this is our children? Like
5:26
Speaker 2: these are our fucking kids. It's both the mother and
5:28
Speaker 2: the father's kids, and it's a baby shower, So why
5:32
Speaker 2: is it only I don't know, I never got what
5:34
Speaker 2: was just women. So we had all of Tyrone's friends,
5:37
Speaker 2: my friends, both our families of course, so.
5:40
Speaker 1: It was a packed house. It was a packed house,
5:42
Speaker 1: and it was just such a beautiful day. Loved it,
5:45
Speaker 1: loved it, loved it. I could not think of a
5:47
Speaker 1: way to make it better. It was just so good.
5:49
Speaker 2: Anyway, let's get into the episode about charisma. Is it
5:53
Speaker 2: learnt or is it innate? And how we're gonna get
5:57
Speaker 2: more of it? So short answer, it is mostly like
6:00
Speaker 2: I said earlier, research basically shows that it's a skill
6:06
Speaker 2: set that's made up of learnable behaviors, mindsets, and also
6:11
Speaker 2: emotional attunement. Okay, so it's not magic. Some people, these
6:16
Speaker 2: things just come to them easier based on how they
6:18
Speaker 2: were raised and different behaviors that they may have absorbed
6:21
Speaker 2: around them that they then do so for some people subconscious,
6:25
Speaker 2: but for other people it's learnt and it works very
6:27
Speaker 2: very well. Now, there is a few that there's a
6:29
Speaker 2: study in particular that I came across, and it's called
6:33
Speaker 2: can Charisma be Taught? The Test of two interventions And
6:36
Speaker 2: basically this is done in twenty eleven and basically where
6:40
Speaker 2: they grabbed participants. They were trained in twelve charismatic leadership
6:44
Speaker 2: kind of tactics, things like storytelling, body language, vocal tone,
6:50
Speaker 2: things like that.
6:51
Speaker 1: And they found that when these people.
6:53
Speaker 2: Were taught these leadership tactics, these charismatic tactics, they found
6:58
Speaker 2: significant improved in how people perceived them by strangers to
7:05
Speaker 2: be charismatic.
7:06
Speaker 1: Okay.
7:06
Speaker 2: And so they basically like would train them up in
7:09
Speaker 2: these particular traits and then they will get them to
7:11
Speaker 2: interact with strangers before and after and strangers would rate
7:15
Speaker 2: their levels of charisma, and they found that their levels
7:18
Speaker 2: of charisma is from a stranger's perspective, significantly improved. Now
7:25
Speaker 2: it's also a set of verbal and nonverbal behaviors.
7:29
Speaker 1: Okay.
7:30
Speaker 2: So this researcher, John Tanakis, he defines charisma not as
7:34
Speaker 2: like a general vibe.
7:36
Speaker 1: Because I think people think, oh.
7:37
Speaker 2: You you're just charismatic, you're a vibe, You're just charismatic
7:40
Speaker 2: that can't be taught. But it's not really that. But
7:42
Speaker 2: it's kind of a toolbox of a bunch of things.
7:44
Speaker 2: And these are some of things that he lists. So
7:46
Speaker 2: eye contact when talking to somebody, open body language, so
7:50
Speaker 2: how you stand your posture even when you talk like
7:53
Speaker 2: For me, when I talk, I kind of gesture a lot,
7:58
Speaker 2: and I like lean into the post and when I'm
8:00
Speaker 2: talking to them and I you know, it's very kind
8:03
Speaker 2: of that kind of open body language. I'm showing that
8:05
Speaker 2: I'm very gauging with this person. Expressive tone of voice,
8:09
Speaker 2: so instead of this monotonous I'm you know, some people
8:12
Speaker 2: have a monotonous tone even when they're really interested, whereas
8:16
Speaker 2: an expressive tone actually demonstrates interest in what the person
8:20
Speaker 2: has to say. Storytelling is a huge one. So if
8:24
Speaker 2: you can tie in telling a story in the point
8:27
Speaker 2: that you're trying to get across, that is a charismatic trait.
8:31
Speaker 2: Pausing for impact. So instead of talking wall to wall,
8:34
Speaker 2: which might come across as a bit nervous. You can
8:36
Speaker 2: be a fast talker or a slow talker. That's fine,
8:38
Speaker 2: but where you also allow for pauses where you allow
8:41
Speaker 2: for input as well, and you allow for the person
8:43
Speaker 2: to have their reaction time or you know, to think
8:46
Speaker 2: about what it is that you're saying and then personal
8:49
Speaker 2: warmth and presence. So this could be it could be
8:52
Speaker 2: for example, when someone's talking about something where you're like
8:55
Speaker 2: nodding in agreement, you're showing that you understand.
8:57
Speaker 1: It could be if the person's open to touch.
9:00
Speaker 2: It could be you reaching out and holding their you know,
9:02
Speaker 2: their arm or their shoulder to be like.
9:04
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that or whatever. You know,
9:05
Speaker 1: it's this kind of.
9:06
Speaker 2: Like this warmth that you share alongside the presence so
9:10
Speaker 2: they feel like, well, I'm really being heard.
9:12
Speaker 1: Okay.
9:12
Speaker 2: So a big part of charisma is actually about this
9:16
Speaker 2: emotional intelligence and being attuned to what the other person
9:21
Speaker 2: is saying and.
9:21
Speaker 1: What they're also going through and what they're experiencing.
9:24
Speaker 2: Because if they feel like you are in tune with them,
9:27
Speaker 2: then they are more likely to start to mirror similar
9:29
Speaker 2: behaviors to you, and then they open up and then
9:32
Speaker 2: they want to be around you more. They then want
9:35
Speaker 2: to gravitate to you. You know those people. I talk
9:37
Speaker 2: about this concept of people being magnetic a lot of
9:41
Speaker 2: the time. The reason why someone can be so magnetic
9:44
Speaker 2: is you're like, I feel really good about myself when
9:47
Speaker 2: I'm around that person. That's charisma. Charisma makes someone feel heard,
9:52
Speaker 2: listen to. They've got high emotional intelligence. They know how
9:55
Speaker 2: to tune into you. They know how like how to
9:58
Speaker 2: respond appropriately to you.
9:59
Speaker 1: So therefore you feel really good around them, and then
10:02
Speaker 1: you want to keep hanging around this person. That's charisma.
10:05
Speaker 2: Okay, So it's not necessarily about being the loudest person
10:08
Speaker 2: in the room by a long mile, and it doesn't
10:11
Speaker 2: have to be someone that can entertain an entire group
10:13
Speaker 2: of people.
10:13
Speaker 1: So notice how all those.
10:14
Speaker 2: Traits eye contact, body language, expressive tone, storytelling, pausing for impact,
10:18
Speaker 2: all of that that can be done when you're talking
10:21
Speaker 2: one on one to someone. So for those of you
10:24
Speaker 2: that are introverted, amazing. Now let's quickly go over introverted, extroverted,
10:29
Speaker 2: and ambervert.
10:30
Speaker 1: I've done.
10:30
Speaker 2: I think I'd like to think I've done an episode
10:33
Speaker 2: on that, but I'll just brush over them. Introvert does
10:36
Speaker 2: not mean that you were timid or shy, or that
10:40
Speaker 2: you're antisocial at all, And so basically introverted is more
10:46
Speaker 2: where you get your batteries recharged when you're with less
10:50
Speaker 2: people or alone, and you find social interact interactions draining.
10:56
Speaker 2: So it's not to say you don't enjoy them. You
10:58
Speaker 2: could be an introvert but so love social interactions. But
11:02
Speaker 2: it's just, oh my god, like I'm drained the thought
11:04
Speaker 2: of having too many social interactions back to back, Like
11:07
Speaker 2: three nights in a row is like daunting to you.
11:09
Speaker 2: You kind of have to limit it in order to
11:11
Speaker 2: keep your batteries charged. And you really recharge your batteries
11:14
Speaker 2: when you're in a much more intimate setting or just
11:16
Speaker 2: alone or just with your like at home with your
11:18
Speaker 2: partner or like your your immediate family.
11:21
Speaker 1: That's kind of an introvert.
11:22
Speaker 2: Your batteries are recharged when you're like with there's less
11:26
Speaker 2: social stimulation, and you feel drained when there's high social stimulation.
11:30
Speaker 1: Extrovert is the opposite of that extrovert.
11:32
Speaker 2: They really get their batteries charged when they're in social situations.
11:35
Speaker 1: Like they go there, they are thriving, They leave on
11:37
Speaker 1: a high. Okay, they can't wait for the next thing.
11:40
Speaker 1: They're ready to fucking go the next morning.
11:42
Speaker 2: Let's now catch up for breakfast with this group of people,
11:44
Speaker 2: and then I've got a dinner later tonight and then
11:46
Speaker 2: and they love that recharge in social settings. They could
11:51
Speaker 2: be doing social things multiple multiple times a week, and
11:54
Speaker 2: they don't feel like it drains them when they get
11:57
Speaker 2: home and they're absolutely exhausted and they don't want to talk.
12:00
Speaker 2: You know those people, and you've probably experienced it maybe
12:03
Speaker 2: maybe not. But when you go to an event, it
12:05
Speaker 2: starts off really good, but then it gets to a.
12:07
Speaker 1: Point where you're like, I'm numb.
12:08
Speaker 2: I cannot I cannot talk to.
12:11
Speaker 1: Anyone right now.
12:13
Speaker 2: I'm like, I feel like I'm like losing interesting conversations
12:16
Speaker 2: i't like. And then you start getting head noise and
12:19
Speaker 2: you're like, can get me the fuck out of here.
12:22
Speaker 2: That's kind of introvert energy. It's kind of like I've
12:25
Speaker 2: maxed out. I've reached my fucking limit.
12:28
Speaker 1: I'm out of here.
12:29
Speaker 2: And then there's ambivert, and I believe I'm an ambivert
12:32
Speaker 2: because I love social interactions. I love if the girls
12:37
Speaker 2: in my group are like, hey, we're doing coffee this morning.
12:39
Speaker 2: It could be a five thirty am coffee. I'm at
12:40
Speaker 2: that coffee. I am at that coffee.
12:42
Speaker 1: Okay.
12:43
Speaker 2: I don't like missing out on dinners. I really enjoy, Like, if.
12:46
Speaker 1: I have to, I will.
12:47
Speaker 2: I don't get fimo, but I really love being a
12:50
Speaker 2: part of these social interactions.
12:52
Speaker 1: I love it.
12:53
Speaker 2: However, if I just have social interactions back to back,
12:57
Speaker 2: I eventually get completely burnt out.
12:59
Speaker 1: I can't handle. Okay, So it's this weird need.
13:02
Speaker 2: So I've got this need for the social interactions, and
13:04
Speaker 2: my batteries do get charged when I'm social. However, I
13:08
Speaker 2: need to be alone numerous times throughout the week.
13:11
Speaker 1: I need my alone time, I need my downtime.
13:13
Speaker 2: I'm very happy if someone cancels on me and I've
13:16
Speaker 2: got the night alone and no one else Like I
13:18
Speaker 2: don't look for alternative plans. If someone cancels on me,
13:21
Speaker 2: it's very rare that I'll be scrambling for an alternative plan.
13:24
Speaker 2: I'll be like, oh night in thrilled about that. So
13:26
Speaker 2: that's kind of Ambivert energy. And I really think I
13:29
Speaker 2: sit in that Ambivert energy because I really enjoy my
13:32
Speaker 2: alone time. I enjoy my peace and quiet. I enjoy
13:34
Speaker 2: my silence a lot. And sometimes I'm really grateful when
13:40
Speaker 2: a plan kind of falls through because I'm like, oh,
13:42
Speaker 2: I get this alone time, I get you know.
13:44
Speaker 1: So kind of yeah.
13:46
Speaker 2: I thought i'd just quickly brush over that in case
13:48
Speaker 2: you guys, because I'm talking about introverts and extroverts here,
13:50
Speaker 2: so in case you guys wanted.
13:51
Speaker 1: A refresher on that.
13:53
Speaker 2: Now, let's talk about more of the neuroscience into charisma.
13:57
Speaker 2: So charisma triggers.
13:59
Speaker 1: Rule ward pathways.
14:01
Speaker 2: Okay, So, studies using fMRI scans show that when people
14:06
Speaker 2: interact with charismatic individuals, so not the charismatic individual themselves,
14:10
Speaker 2: when someone else is interacting with the charismatic individual, their
14:14
Speaker 2: dopamine reward system kind of activates.
14:17
Speaker 1: So kind of the similar.
14:19
Speaker 2: Activation when we hear like our favorite song or where
14:22
Speaker 2: when we're anticipating something really good, like that dopamine that
14:25
Speaker 2: spike the anticipation, the reward chemical goes up, so.
14:30
Speaker 1: Our brain literally gets rewarded.
14:33
Speaker 2: We feel like it lights up basically when we feel understood, okay,
14:39
Speaker 2: when we feel emotionally connected, when we feel energized, and
14:44
Speaker 2: charismatic people are good at creating that feeling in other people.
14:49
Speaker 2: So if you can create through the tools that we're
14:51
Speaker 2: going to talk about in this episode, if you can
14:53
Speaker 2: create that feeling in other people, they're going to get
14:56
Speaker 2: this dope mein, you know, this rise in dopamine, and
14:59
Speaker 2: they're got I want to gravitate to you again and
15:02
Speaker 2: again and again. Charismatic people are really skilled at amplifying emotion.
15:07
Speaker 2: They're really good at creating connection through tone, through their
15:10
Speaker 2: body language, through their expression, and that's why they are
15:15
Speaker 2: then charismatic because ultimately, someone with charisma is someone that
15:18
Speaker 2: you want to be around. Sense sense. The next thing
15:28
Speaker 2: is that charisma is contextual. It's not this like static thing,
15:33
Speaker 2: So it's not a permanent personality trait, and it can fluctuate. Okay,
15:38
Speaker 2: it's not something that lives in you all the time
15:40
Speaker 2: you always have it on twenty four seven, not necessarily so.
15:44
Speaker 2: And what I mean by that, like, your environment can
15:46
Speaker 2: influence how charismatic you are. Your confidence levels. So sometimes
15:51
Speaker 2: you're going to be in a situation where you feel
15:52
Speaker 2: really confident, and other times you're going to be in
15:54
Speaker 2: an environment or a situation where you don't feel confident.
15:57
Speaker 2: Social feedback and also energy management. So if you're fully depleted,
16:01
Speaker 2: if you feel drained, you're probably going to be way
16:04
Speaker 2: less charismatic than when you feel really well rested, when
16:07
Speaker 2: you feel really comfortable in your own skin. Like like
16:09
Speaker 2: I was talking about with the Ambivert thing, if I've
16:11
Speaker 2: gone back to back without my alone time and I
16:14
Speaker 2: go to an event, I can guarantee you I'm going
16:16
Speaker 2: to be way less charismatic than I would be if
16:19
Speaker 2: I felt well rested and really excited to be somewhere.
16:21
Speaker 2: So you literally, your charisma or these traits can feel
16:27
Speaker 2: more enhanced or less enhanced depending on how you show
16:31
Speaker 2: up to that circumstance, that interaction, that event, not who
16:35
Speaker 2: you are as a person at your core. Okay, And
16:39
Speaker 2: you might also realize that, oh, I'm actually really charismatic
16:42
Speaker 2: at work, Like when I kind of know someone, at
16:45
Speaker 2: least on like a base level, I am so charismatic.
16:49
Speaker 2: Everyone knows me as this like particular character. I'm warm,
16:52
Speaker 2: I'm the person that lights up the room. But if
16:54
Speaker 2: you put me in a social setting where I know
16:56
Speaker 2: absolutely no one, I feel like my charisma.
16:58
Speaker 1: Goes out the window.
16:59
Speaker 2: That's very normal because again it's a set of traits
17:02
Speaker 2: and a lot of people their charisma is dependent on
17:04
Speaker 2: how comfortable they feel in that environment. Now, like I said,
17:07
Speaker 2: it can be taught through behavioral training. There's a study
17:10
Speaker 2: another study showing that charism as a learnable skill, and
17:13
Speaker 2: this is called effects of charismatic Training on attitudes, behavior
17:17
Speaker 2: and performance. And these participants received training in these charismatic
17:23
Speaker 2: communication skills like storytelling, using vivid language, being really expressive
17:30
Speaker 2: emotional expression, and they found that participants were rated as
17:34
Speaker 2: more charismatic and they're like they were in teams, and
17:37
Speaker 2: the teams showed much better performance and much better engagement
17:41
Speaker 2: when they had charismatic leaders as part of the team.
17:45
Speaker 1: Okay, so these.
17:47
Speaker 2: Charisma based behaviors impacts how your team works and performs
17:53
Speaker 2: as well. So if you're working, you know, if your
17:55
Speaker 2: workforce is where you're like either a leader of a
17:57
Speaker 2: team or even just part of a team, it will
17:59
Speaker 2: positive impact how the team performs as well. Nonverbal behavior
18:04
Speaker 2: is a huge component of charisma.
18:08
Speaker 1: So if you're someone that's like.
18:09
Speaker 2: I never have something witty to say, I never had
18:11
Speaker 2: a big part of charisma is actually nonverbal. Okay, So
18:15
Speaker 2: people who use more expressive body language, facial cues, animated
18:20
Speaker 2: voice tones in the sense that it's not all monotones
18:22
Speaker 2: but there's like elevations in their voice, they are always
18:26
Speaker 2: going to be rated as more charismatic as people who
18:28
Speaker 2: are kind of like stiff and still and more like monotoned.
18:32
Speaker 2: Another big thing is presence and listening. So another study
18:38
Speaker 2: called warmth and competence stereotype content model, So this is
18:43
Speaker 2: like trends in cognitive sciences. It found that warmth is
18:47
Speaker 2: often more important than competence in first impressions and perceived charisma.
18:51
Speaker 1: Okay, so this.
18:53
Speaker 2: Is active listening, empathy. These are all learnt social skills.
18:58
Speaker 2: This is kind of like I was saying, where someone's
18:59
Speaker 2: telling a story and you're like nodding, You've you got
19:03
Speaker 2: good eye contact, You're not checking your phone, you're not
19:05
Speaker 2: on another planet. You're not who is the next most
19:07
Speaker 2: interesting person to talk to in the room. I'm interested
19:10
Speaker 2: in what you have to say. I care about what
19:12
Speaker 2: you have to say. That is charisma. Okay, Now let's
19:16
Speaker 2: talk about the twelve charismatic leadership tactics that we're referenced
19:22
Speaker 2: in a few studies. Okay, so we've got verbal tactics
19:25
Speaker 2: and then we've got nonverbal tactics. So the first chunk
19:29
Speaker 2: are going to be verbal tactics. So this is metaphors
19:32
Speaker 2: and analogies. If you can use metaphors when you're talking
19:36
Speaker 2: to someone, when you're storytelling, that shows more charisma, shows
19:40
Speaker 2: confidence in.
19:40
Speaker 1: What you're saying.
19:41
Speaker 2: So it helps ideas land better emotionally and also visually.
19:45
Speaker 2: If you can get people visualizing what it is that
19:48
Speaker 2: you're talking about, it gets the more involved in the
19:50
Speaker 2: conversation with you. So yeah, so when you're talking about
19:54
Speaker 2: you know, if you're talking to your team and trying
19:56
Speaker 2: to motivate them, if you're talking to somebody just one
20:00
Speaker 2: on one and you're trying to explain a story to them,
20:03
Speaker 2: if you can use an analogy or a metaphor, then
20:07
Speaker 2: they're probably going to resonate with you more on that level,
20:10
Speaker 2: because it's kind of leaning into more of a storytelling thing,
20:13
Speaker 2: which leads me to my second thing, which is stories
20:15
Speaker 2: and anecdotes. People remember stories so much more than just
20:20
Speaker 2: straight up numbers or stats or just facts with no
20:23
Speaker 2: story behind the fact, because stories are kind of this
20:26
Speaker 2: innate thing that we lean towards. They evoke connection, they
20:30
Speaker 2: evoke emotion, they evoke like a buy in, and we've
20:34
Speaker 2: seen this a lot on TikTok and just social media
20:38
Speaker 2: in general. The videos that seem to create the highest
20:42
Speaker 2: level of engagement, especially when we're talking about someone who's
20:45
Speaker 2: just staring down the barrel of the camera talking, the
20:47
Speaker 2: ones that have the longest kind of watch time and
20:50
Speaker 2: engagement are where it starts with a story. And interestingly,
20:54
Speaker 2: it could be the story could be halfway through if
20:56
Speaker 2: I'm scrolling and I'm watching, and then he says, and
20:59
Speaker 2: then she turned around and looked at me and said,
21:02
Speaker 2: I'm instantly intrigued. I want to know what this woman said.
21:05
Speaker 2: And I don't even know the context of the story.
21:07
Speaker 1: It's just because it's already in storytelling mode. Right.
21:10
Speaker 2: We are wired to love storytelling. We want to know
21:14
Speaker 2: the story, we want to see it play out. So
21:16
Speaker 2: if you can bring storytelling into how you interact with people,
21:21
Speaker 2: you're going to find that it's easier for people to
21:23
Speaker 2: stay interested and want to connect back with you. Another
21:27
Speaker 2: thing that I found with university is that my lecturers
21:30
Speaker 2: the ones that used storytelling to really drill home a fact,
21:35
Speaker 2: even if it was we're talking about pharmacology, chemicals, we're
21:39
Speaker 2: talking about molecular biology. I had this lecturer in molecular biology,
21:43
Speaker 2: and the way she would teach us things would be
21:46
Speaker 2: in a really comical storytelling way.
21:49
Speaker 1: She was this phenomenal. She was unbelievable.
21:51
Speaker 2: She was my favorite lecturer, and in my opinion, she
21:54
Speaker 2: was the most charismatic one. Why because she used storytelling
21:57
Speaker 2: And I remember more from that class than any other
22:00
Speaker 2: class because of how she delivered the content. And this
22:03
Speaker 2: is like hard science content and she somehow turned it
22:06
Speaker 2: into storytelling.
22:08
Speaker 1: The next one.
22:08
Speaker 2: Number three is contrasts, so where you're able to emphasize
22:12
Speaker 2: differences like easy versus hard, fear versus hopeful, the past
22:16
Speaker 2: versus the future. This isn't the end, it's actually it's
22:20
Speaker 2: actually the beginning. If you're able to show contrast and
22:23
Speaker 2: what you're talking about, then people can start, you know,
22:26
Speaker 2: they start weighing things up. You're getting people to tap
22:28
Speaker 2: into their imagination, their mind. You're making this interaction a
22:33
Speaker 2: mix between what you're saying and also their imagination, and
22:36
Speaker 2: they're getting invested in what you have to say. Number
22:40
Speaker 2: four is rhetorical questions, so engage people and create reflection.
22:45
Speaker 2: So this is kind of like asking someone what would
22:49
Speaker 2: it feel like if this were to happen? Or you know,
22:53
Speaker 2: what to you would be the point of no return?
22:56
Speaker 2: Or how would you know that something? Would?
22:59
Speaker 1: You know?
23:00
Speaker 2: Asking these questions it gets them thinking deeper again, It
23:03
Speaker 2: gets them investing in this conversation. It makes it about
23:08
Speaker 2: them as well, and it's not just about you, and
23:10
Speaker 2: it's just not this cold back and forth.
23:12
Speaker 1: On what do you do for work? It's interesting, right.
23:16
Speaker 1: Number five is lists.
23:18
Speaker 2: Okay, especially they found I don't know how they got
23:22
Speaker 2: to this number but three part lists people really like processes.
23:27
Speaker 1: So if you say we need to do A, B
23:30
Speaker 1: and C, we need to do one, two and three like.
23:32
Speaker 2: This is especially if you're talking to a team of people,
23:35
Speaker 2: Like if you're not, this is not so much if
23:37
Speaker 2: you're interacting with someone like at a party that you
23:39
Speaker 2: just met, and you're like, I need to rattle off
23:41
Speaker 2: three fucking a list.
23:42
Speaker 1: You don't have to use all twelve things.
23:44
Speaker 2: These are just all different traits that align with someone
23:47
Speaker 2: who's charismatic. But these three part lists, if you are
23:51
Speaker 2: as part of a team or running a team, or
23:53
Speaker 2: kind of mentoring or motivating a team, that works really well.
23:57
Speaker 2: I also find that my episodes where there are lists
24:00
Speaker 2: involved perform quite well. They're the ones that people really
24:03
Speaker 2: want to listen to. They're like, tell me what to do,
24:07
Speaker 2: give me a three part list to five part list.
24:09
Speaker 1: People really like that, And I do too.
24:11
Speaker 2: If I'm looking at if I'm trying to learn a
24:13
Speaker 2: particular thing and I see something that says five ways
24:17
Speaker 2: to whatever, I'm way more likely to click on that
24:20
Speaker 2: because I feel like it's going to be something that
24:22
Speaker 2: I can really sink my teeth in and really like
24:24
Speaker 2: process it a lot better. Number six is expressions.
24:28
Speaker 1: Of moral conviction.
24:30
Speaker 2: So this is where you express your moral beliefs. Okay,
24:34
Speaker 2: what you believe is right, what you believe you know
24:39
Speaker 2: is the right thing for you to do, what's important
24:41
Speaker 2: in life, your values, all of that. And the reason
24:45
Speaker 2: for that is when you can communicate a strong personal value,
24:49
Speaker 2: it builds trust and credibility. Even if this person doesn't
24:53
Speaker 2: necessarily one hundred percent agree with you, but because you're
24:56
Speaker 2: opening up about what your morals are, people feel like
25:00
Speaker 2: they can start to trust you more.
25:02
Speaker 1: So, if someone's really opening.
25:03
Speaker 2: Up about their spiritual beliefs to me, even if I
25:06
Speaker 2: don't necessarily align with their spiritual beliefs, I might find
25:09
Speaker 2: myself more connected with this person because they're opening up
25:12
Speaker 2: about something that's quite important to the deeper core of themselves.
25:16
Speaker 1: So it's not about having to agree or not agree.
25:18
Speaker 2: But when you can share this expression of moral conviction,
25:22
Speaker 2: people are more likely to be like, oh, yeah, they're
25:23
Speaker 2: opening up to me. They're really sharing this important part
25:26
Speaker 2: of them. Number seven, this is reflecting the individual or
25:32
Speaker 2: the groups, like how they're feeling their sentiment. Okay, So
25:36
Speaker 2: it's basically where you're able to show that you understand
25:40
Speaker 2: how the other party feels, whether it's one person or
25:42
Speaker 2: whether it's a group of people. So again, if we're
25:45
Speaker 2: talking about being in a leadership role, you want to
25:48
Speaker 2: be talking about I know that you guys are frustrated,
25:51
Speaker 2: or I would imagine that you guys would be feeling
25:54
Speaker 2: this way because of what just happened, or I know
25:57
Speaker 2: that you guys are really tired because you've been working
25:59
Speaker 2: over time, and you know. Knowing that I understand that,
26:03
Speaker 2: I then you know. So it's like, not only do
26:05
Speaker 2: you understand and can you reflect how this person feels
26:08
Speaker 2: or how the group feels, but then you're able to
26:10
Speaker 2: do something with that understanding. It's not just like, oh,
26:12
Speaker 2: I know you're tired, but let's keep fucking pushing through
26:15
Speaker 2: and being more tired. It's I know you're tired, and
26:17
Speaker 2: there is light at the end of the tunnel, and
26:19
Speaker 2: how I'm going to, you know, make it worth it
26:22
Speaker 2: is that you're then going to have this as a
26:24
Speaker 2: reward or whatever. Then people feel like, oh, you actually
26:27
Speaker 2: feel me, you're hearing me out, and you're looking for
26:29
Speaker 2: a solution. Another one is also being able to set goals,
26:35
Speaker 2: like ambitious goals with these people getting like inspiring people.
26:39
Speaker 2: It's kind of getting people to feel inspired or driven
26:42
Speaker 2: as an individual or as a group, and that really
26:46
Speaker 2: really helps people feel like, oh you're charismatic.
26:49
Speaker 1: Oh I like I really you know.
26:50
Speaker 2: Let's say you're talking to someone even you know, like
26:52
Speaker 2: it could be an acquaintance. What's what's the way that
26:55
Speaker 2: you could inspire them based on something they've just told you.
26:57
Speaker 2: They're they're telling you a story on something, you know,
27:01
Speaker 2: like about a breakup or something that they're going through
27:03
Speaker 2: at work. You could even say, listen, I heard this
27:06
Speaker 2: episode or I read a book and it taught me this,
27:09
Speaker 2: and maybe you could teach. So it could be a recommendation,
27:11
Speaker 2: it could be just a fact that you know, it
27:12
Speaker 2: could be something that helps inspire this person or helps
27:16
Speaker 2: them plant the seed of having an ambitious goal or
27:19
Speaker 2: just a small goal.
27:20
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. But that's another.
27:22
Speaker 2: Trait that you can use as far as charisma. Like
27:24
Speaker 2: I said, we don't have to do all twelve. That's
27:25
Speaker 2: so exhausting. Imagine you going like I'm going in with
27:28
Speaker 2: this fuck list of twelve things. I'm going to isolate
27:31
Speaker 2: this one can't at this party, and I'm going to
27:34
Speaker 2: hit them so hard with this top, they're going to
27:35
Speaker 2: be extremely overwhelmed. It's obviously relevant to the interaction. There's
27:40
Speaker 2: like the team leader version of charisma versus I'm meeting
27:43
Speaker 2: this person for the first time charisma. Then we move
27:46
Speaker 2: into nonverbal tactics, so this is how we deliver things.
27:52
Speaker 2: The first one is animated voice, so this is tone, pitch, pacing, vote,
28:00
Speaker 2: vocal variation. This is to show passion, it's to really
28:04
Speaker 2: keep someone's attention. People are more likely to stay, like
28:06
Speaker 2: to pay attention when there is variation in the vocal tone.
28:12
Speaker 2: We're way more likely to be like, oh, I'm interested, oh,
28:14
Speaker 2: because you're noticing like a dip and a drop and
28:17
Speaker 2: it slows down, then it goes really fast and it's
28:20
Speaker 2: like extremely expressive. There's like storytelling within the voice, so
28:24
Speaker 2: people stay interested than if I was this monotone thing
28:27
Speaker 2: telling this podcast like a monotone the entire time. It's
28:30
Speaker 2: all one time, you're gonna be like, this is absolutely fucked.
28:32
Speaker 2: I can't keep I literally cannot cap up with this person.
28:35
Speaker 2: They're putting me to sleep. So vocal variation is huge,
28:39
Speaker 2: very important, and you will find that when you can
28:41
Speaker 2: start like you know layering in this variation, when you
28:46
Speaker 2: tell a story or when you interact with someone, they're
28:48
Speaker 2: going to subconsciously be more interested in what you have
28:50
Speaker 2: to say. Number ten, well, number two of the nonverbal tactics,
28:55
Speaker 2: but number ten in total is facial expressions. You want
28:58
Speaker 2: your face to match what it is you're talking about,
29:01
Speaker 2: and you also want your face to match what it.
29:03
Speaker 1: Is that they're talking about.
29:05
Speaker 2: Right, So, if someone's telling a really interesting story and
29:08
Speaker 2: I'm sitting there with my eyeballs glazed over, my mouth
29:11
Speaker 2: isn't moving, and I'm just there with my arms crossed,
29:14
Speaker 2: They're gonna be like, I'm boring this person, and then
29:17
Speaker 2: they're gonna pull back and probably try and wrap up
29:18
Speaker 2: their story really quickly. They're gonna feel uncomfortable. But if
29:21
Speaker 2: I've got my hands down by side, if I'm like
29:23
Speaker 2: opening my eyes wide being like no way, and I'm listening,
29:27
Speaker 2: and i might be leaning in because my facial expressions
29:30
Speaker 2: are matching their story off like their crazy breakup or
29:34
Speaker 2: how this thing really went wrong for them that day,
29:37
Speaker 2: I'm mirroring what they're telling. This person's gonna then open
29:41
Speaker 2: up even more. They're gonna be like, Wow, this is
29:43
Speaker 2: really safe space for me to talk. They seem interested,
29:45
Speaker 2: they seem engaged, they don't seem bored, they don't seem
29:47
Speaker 2: like they want to talk to someone else. So now
29:49
Speaker 2: I want to tell my story even more. And then
29:51
Speaker 2: you know, then like you pull out the best in
29:53
Speaker 2: them with these facial expressions. The next one is gestures,
29:56
Speaker 2: So this is body movements, hand movements, emphasizing your key point.
29:59
Speaker 2: This increases engagement, just like facial expressions. It's just an
30:03
Speaker 2: it's an addition. It's that next level up. And then
30:05
Speaker 2: of course twelve. The last one is eye contact. A
30:08
Speaker 2: lot of people feel really uncomfortable with eye contact. When
30:12
Speaker 2: we're talking about eye contacts, you don't have to stare
30:14
Speaker 2: them in the eyeballs the entire time. It's you're connecting
30:19
Speaker 2: with their eyes regularly enough in the conversation. It doesn't
30:22
Speaker 2: have to be whow we've locked in and now like
30:26
Speaker 2: what's happening?
30:26
Speaker 1: Are we going to fight? Are we gonna pash? Like
30:28
Speaker 1: this is so intense. It doesn't have to be like that.
30:31
Speaker 2: You can look them in the eyes and then as
30:33
Speaker 2: you're telling a story, you're gesturing, so you're like you
30:35
Speaker 2: glance away and then bang lock eyes again and then
30:37
Speaker 2: look away in the back so it doesn't happen to
30:39
Speaker 2: be this twenty four seventh thing. And if you're talking
30:41
Speaker 2: in a group, it's even easier because you can change.
30:43
Speaker 2: You go from person to person to person. But when
30:45
Speaker 2: you are addressing someone, you are looking them in the eyes. Okay,
30:49
Speaker 2: don't make it intense, don't make it scary. If the
30:51
Speaker 2: person's not responding, don't then linger and open your eyeballs
30:54
Speaker 2: even wider and make this person be like, oh my god,
30:56
Speaker 2: they're trying to suck my soul out of my brain.
30:59
Speaker 2: It is just a subtle connection of the.
31:01
Speaker 1: Eyes regularly enough throughout the conversation.
31:04
Speaker 2: Okay, so even short term training in these twelve tactics
31:10
Speaker 2: is going to really ramp up. It's really going to
31:13
Speaker 2: increase how you are perceived by strangers on like a
31:16
Speaker 2: scale of charisma and how charismatic a stranger deems you
31:20
Speaker 2: to be. So that's pretty much the episode of today
31:24
Speaker 2: on how to be more charismatic.
31:26
Speaker 1: Go back and think about these twelve tactics that I
31:29
Speaker 1: spoke about.
31:30
Speaker 2: I'll quickly go over them in summary, but we've got
31:32
Speaker 2: metaphors and analogies. Well, sorry, these are the verbal ones,
31:36
Speaker 2: metaphors and analogies, stories and anecdotes, contrasts, rhetorical questions, three
31:41
Speaker 2: part lists, or I would even say three or more
31:44
Speaker 2: part lists, but minimum three part lists, expressions of moral conviction,
31:48
Speaker 2: reflections of the group, sentiment, setting high ambitious goals. Then
31:51
Speaker 2: we've got the nonverbal tactics, animated voice, facial expressions, gestures,
31:56
Speaker 2: and eye contact. So ask yourself which ones are easy
32:00
Speaker 2: for me to use and which ones are some that
32:02
Speaker 2: I can start learning to use. Right Because we all
32:07
Speaker 2: know how to tell a story, we all know how
32:08
Speaker 2: to tell an anecdote, we all can do contrast, but
32:11
Speaker 2: maybe we're just not using it in conversation. And then
32:13
Speaker 2: ask yourself which ones are appropriate for a group, or
32:16
Speaker 2: if I'm trying to motivate a group, or if it's a.
32:18
Speaker 1: Work setting versus a social setting of.
32:20
Speaker 2: Someone that maybe I've just been introduced to, or someone
32:23
Speaker 2: that I know but I rarely get to talk to.
32:26
Speaker 1: Also, this is really good if.
32:27
Speaker 2: You're like I don't know where to start, start with
32:30
Speaker 2: the nonverbal.
32:31
Speaker 1: Ones and just ask people questions. So say this is.
32:34
Speaker 2: A like someone you've met and you know that they've
32:37
Speaker 2: just you know, had gone for a trip, you say, hey,
32:41
Speaker 2: you just got back from the trip, what was the highlight?
32:44
Speaker 2: What did you find? And then as they're telling their story,
32:46
Speaker 2: as they're talking to you about it, you can practice
32:49
Speaker 2: these eye contacts just as facial expressions and animated voice.
32:53
Speaker 2: So it's like, I don't have to start thinking of
32:55
Speaker 2: cool metaphors to bring in if I'm not used to that.
32:57
Speaker 2: Maybe I start with the nonverbal and I start to
32:59
Speaker 2: see and notice how people's interaction with me change is
33:03
Speaker 2: how they warm up.
33:03
Speaker 1: They probably open up more, they tell me more. So
33:06
Speaker 1: give that a go.
33:08
Speaker 2: I'm very excited for you guys to ramp up your charisma,
33:11
Speaker 2: whether it be in the workplace or whether it be
33:14
Speaker 2: in a social setting. Like I said, you might find
33:16
Speaker 2: I'm really confident in this setting, but I'm not in
33:17
Speaker 2: the other. Because charisma is learnt and it is based
33:20
Speaker 2: on your environment. It's not this twenty four seven that
33:23
Speaker 2: thing that exists within you. You can be like, today's
33:25
Speaker 2: not a charismatic day. I'm just going to go order
33:27
Speaker 2: my coffee, not talk to anyone, and go home, but
33:29
Speaker 2: then be super charismatic the next day. It is a
33:31
Speaker 2: trait that you can learn and you'd switch it on
33:34
Speaker 2: and switch it off when you want to. And like
33:37
Speaker 2: I said at the start, there are some people that
33:39
Speaker 2: innately carry these behaviors in them without even whether they
33:42
Speaker 2: like it or not, and some people whether they're like,
33:44
Speaker 2: all right, I'm going to enhance these behaviors to be
33:48
Speaker 2: able to connect with people better. So good times. I
33:51
Speaker 2: hope you enjoyed today's episode. I really enjoyed doing it.
33:55
Speaker 2: If you guys have any questions, if you want to
33:57
Speaker 2: send in any questions, any brain fact questions, any requests,
34:01
Speaker 2: please email info at dyfmpod dot com for episode requests,
34:06
Speaker 2: brain fact requests, anything at all, and if you have
34:09
Speaker 2: a listener question.
34:09
Speaker 1: For the head Noise episode, then send them through as
34:11
Speaker 1: well to that email.
34:13
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode. As always,
34:16
Speaker 2: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
34:19
Speaker 2: don't take it from anyone, and especially don't take shit
34:21
Speaker 2: from yourself.
34:22
Speaker 1: Sonka