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S3 E44 - Steve and Jeff Adopt a Dog · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Stephen Jeff Show, the first comedy podcast in the history of the world.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Assuming the world began when I started talking.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Stephen Jeff Show wherever you listen to the podcast.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Write us a review while you're there too.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: And now, here's Stephen Jeff.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hey, thank you, Johnny and Jeff.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't it great to be back in the eccentric Ladyland studios doing yet another show?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: How's it going, Jeff?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: It's going great.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: Although, and I I shouldn't bitch because if I didn't like it, I could live somewhere else, but it has gotten really cold lately.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, sure has.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's been crazy cold here.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And in fact, my neighbors tried to escape the winter and they took a trip down to the Gulf of Steve.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I figure as long as we're renaming stuff, I thought I'd throw my name in there too.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: What the heck?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: So, but turns out, funny thing, Gulf of Steve got more snow than we did.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: But I that's right, that's right.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: But that reminds me of that group, you know, from the 70s, three dog night.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you're talking about cuddling with your dog.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: The way I understand it, I don't know if this could be total bullshit, but the way I understand it, that that name comes from the Inuit, you know, in Alaska, who they'd stay warm by sleeping with a dog.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know, not sleeping with a dog, but you know, sleeping next to a dog, you know, you know, right.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: And then if it was cold or if it was even colder, they'd get a second dog.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: And if it was really, really cold, they'd get a third dog.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And that was that was the three-dog night, was very, very cold.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not real familiar with that.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_02: You know, normally as it got colder, I would I was a big fan of the mamas and the papas, and oh yeah, you know, we would spoon.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: But Steve, I know that you're a cat lover, and I assume cats cuddle too.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: And but but did you ever think about maybe getting a dog to keep you warm?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know, funny you should ask.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I I have thought about that different times.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: I thought about getting one or three, maybe, but but something happened recently that really changed my mind.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_02: What happened?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I told you that we were pet sitting, you know, that couple that went to the Gulf of Steve, you know, we were pet sitting for them last weekend, and they have two golden.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: I know you've got a golden too, so I thought, oh hey, this will be fun.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, hey, it was not as easy as you might think.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: Goldens are usually pretty easy to take care of.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Turns out one of the dogs was in heat, and you know, of course, and it was a male dog and a female dog, and uh, you know, they were just couldn't keep them apart.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I put them in different parts of the house, thought that would work, just trying to go to sleep, and then we hear this.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh my god, this is howling.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, you know, we got attacked by wolves or something.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what was going on.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Howling, moaning.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Run downstairs, and the dogs are are coupling and they're stuck.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently, that that's a thing with dogs.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't know, but I've heard that could be frightening.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea what to do.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I asked Teresa what to do, and she said, You figure it out.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I and then she's went back to listening to a podcast, not our podcast, I might add, but I digress.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know how to separate them.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I called the vet.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's a vet that we use for our cats, but I thought, well, you know, they know dogs too.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: What the heck?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: So I I thought about calling you, but you know, it was so late, and you were probably just about to put the moves on Mama Cass there.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I figured, well, I'll just give the vet a call, you know.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, and he, I gotta tell you, he did not sound happy to when he answered that phone.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Told him the problem, and they very calmly said, hang up the phone, put it next to the dogs, I'll call you back.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: And the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection, and then you can separate them.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, Wow, yeah, that's wild.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: You think that'll work?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: He said, Well, hey, it just worked on me.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: Sounds like a kind of a kinky vet, if you ask me.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, I and that just gets me started on this whole are vets really doctors, you know.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: But it's definitely the kind of experience that feels really negative.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: I've never been around dogs that were in heat, but usually we get our dogs fixed pretty quickly.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, you don't have that.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: So I think as long as you go with an uh an adult dog that's been fixed, then I think you're you're probably okay.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you should consider that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Jeff, it's funny you should say that because last night, yeah, mom and I were throwing back some vodkas and you know, Johnny friggin' bum sitting there drinking.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: He drank most of it, most of the bottle himself.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, we're we're watching TV and I saw this commercial for this pet adoption service.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I, you know, I called him.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, I some people would say I drunk dialed them, but I, you know, I called them, right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I I signed up for a in-home qualifying interview to be considered for an adoption.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: I started thinking about that.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Well, I don't want to bring him into the house.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we just had the problem with the dogs and we got the cats.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I I gave the address of these of the studio of eccentric Ladyland Studios, and I said, Hey, can we set it up for this time when we're gonna be on the show?
• 5:01
  unknown: Cool.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Lady's gonna come today.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: The name of the association is called Golden Retriever Rescue of Greater Omaha, and she's right here, just the other side of that glass.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe we'll get brownie points by you know, maybe promoting the organization and yeah, uh doing the interview right on the show, and maybe we'll get the pick of the of the litter on what's ever available.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, I I almost called her back this morning once kind of the vodka wore off a little bit and almost called her back and said, Yeah, yeah, look, don't come.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: But then I thought, no, hey, that's good radio, that's good podcast.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Let's let's do it.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Let's let's let's still do it.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: So here she is.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Her name is Miss Bailey May Buttercup.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, Miss Buttercup, welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And uh thank you, Mr.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Steve and Mr.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Jeff, for wanting to rescue a wonderful golden from Gurgo, you know, golden retriever, rescue of Greater Omaha.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And they all need good homes.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: They just want to be loved.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I say, I almost was gonna call and and cancel because I really wasn't thinking about adopting, but now it seems like maybe we maybe something we should do, to be clear.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, but Jeff and I are gonna rescue one of these wonderful dogs, one of these Goldens, and they're gonna be our dog here in the studio.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna work with us during the day.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of like a mascot.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that sounds great.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but before we fill out the adoption papers, and I approve the adoption, I just need to get to know both of you a little better.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you're a good fit for our pups.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that makes sense, yeah.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: Steve and I have been friends for more than 50 years.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_02: We started this podcast a couple years ago, the the Steve and Jeff show.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sure you've heard of us.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: It's a comedy podcast, kind of, you know, millions of people listen to it.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: So I don't want to brag.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: But no, I'm sorry.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't heard of it.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure it's very funny though.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Although owning and caring for pets is not a laughing matter.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I assume, I assume that you don't make fun of any animals on your shows, do you?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm sorry to say that many of our furry friends are made fun of by sick people who should never own a pet or get married or be allowed to breed.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: We did have that pet treat show, but that was more making fun of well, you know, you're just gonna have to listen to it.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's not making fun of pets.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: We make fun of, we've made fun of just about just about anything, uh, everything on this show, but not pets, as I recall.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: I we kind of like animals.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, all right.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's good to know because that really is a deal breaker.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: Steve is familiar with cats, and I have been a dog lover my whole life, and I've only had golden retrievers.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I remember I was Ubering a while ago, and I picked up this vet who said something that I thought was amazing, which was that golden retrievers are too good for this earth.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: That's the kind of dogs they are.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's pretty amazing.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: It kind of brought a tear to my eye.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: See, see, I bet I could have called that guy in the middle of the night, and he wouldn't have he wouldn't have been unhappy to hear me because you said I would have said it's a gold to go, oh, they're so wonderful.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Let me come over, I'll help you.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Goldens are wonderful dogs, hearts of gold, really.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, do you ever transport your dog in the car?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I ask because cars can be very dangerous, and that is incredibly reckless.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I assume that you're using a doggy seatbelt.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: I don't wear one, but uh but we have a CRV, and if you know, like with CRVs, they have a big back area, so we put Tula our golden in the back, and you know, she's pretty protected back there.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty protected.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: She's pretty protected in the back of your car.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do you throw your parents in the back of your car?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you just throw them in the trunk?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are you are you okay with your parents being pretty protected?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or or would you prefer your loved ones being fully protected?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: Just out of curiosity.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, my dad is fully protected because he's in prison.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: So they have you know full-time protection there.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: My mom is dead, and the gates, yeah, absolutely.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and my mom, she's she's not alive, and I'm not sure what kind of protection she would need in the cemetery.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: So well, they got they got gates there too.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: They do, that's true.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: As far as my mom's concerned, my mom has never been one to use protection.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: She does not ever use protection, obviously, as is very clear.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And my dad's on the lamb, drinking, driving around somewhere, so who knows?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I get your point.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: We'll have pet seat belts installed in our company podcast van.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: I guess first I have to ask our Department of Podcast Efficiency, of course, better known as Dope, if we can get a podcast van, it'd be like a rolling billboard for the show.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think it'd be great.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So that is something that you're going to look into.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like we are the grandparents of this pup are a little, but you two will take full, complete authority over safety.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, the grandparents will really only have monitored visitation.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's fine then.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh let's keep going then.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about meals.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I've heard that we should feed the dog science diet.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've heard that's really good.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, unless you have some other suggestion, something else we should feed the dog.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was talking about what you and Jeff eat, your diet.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I I don't think Steve and I eat the same thing.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: We don't live together, but yeah, I eat the normal stuff.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and and meat for the most part, occasional dessert.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: What about you, Steve?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I'm mostly Mediterranean diet, you know, olive oil, garlic, vodka.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I I I probably should eat the paleo diet.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm certainly old enough, but can I can I ask you something though?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh why are you asking about our diet?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: That seems kind of strange.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: What does it matter what we eat?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's not strange at all.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you know this, but 72% of pet owners feed their pets scraps from their dinner table.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: What you eat really tells us what your pet will eat.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, Jeff, you talked about your occasional dessert.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: How much chocolate is in that dessert?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's dangerous.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, when I say dessert, I'm talking about edibles.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: But but it does make sense.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Occasional edible is probably fine.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, good.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, all right, then we can go on.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Next question uh sexual preference.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't really have one.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I male dog, female dog, either one's fine with me, Jeff.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have you have a preference?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think you do one for it.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: I just want a loving dog, so I don't care if it's a boy.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about the sex of the dog.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking your sexual preference.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: You two are partners then?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we're comedy partners for the podcast.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'm not sure why that matters, but you know, yeah, I mean, we're we're partners here in the podcast.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not again, I'm not sure why why this is any of your business, but oh, okay, all right, I'm hetero, I'm married.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now my wife listens to other podcasts, but I'm married.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think Jeff, I think you are too, right?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, well, yeah, I agree.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I'm I'm not gay, but I am curious.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_02: Uh curious about what kind of interview this is turning out to be.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I am trying very hard to make sure we place dogs in safe, suitable, loving homes.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Any preference is okay as long as it happens in the privacy of your home and a loving partner.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I just, you know, dogs cannot, these sweet animals that are giving you unconditional love do not want to be kicked out of the bedroom every night because of the sexual escapades of your revolving.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm sorry, I get very I just really want to make sure that our pets are are taken care of, but we have a strict don't ask, don't tell policy as long as it is not a revolving door situation.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: So any other preference is fine.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, my doors don't revolve.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: No, and it's been a long time since I've had a sexual escapade.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, mine was so far back that they actually people actually use words like escapade the last time, last time that happened.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: And I drive a Chevy escapade.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: Chevy escapade.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you know I don't mean Chevy, so are you saying that's the only escapade you need, or that you are right now kind of getting into escapades?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's more impallas that I really get into, but yeah, he does.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Chevy, so yeah, yeah.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Continuing on the sleeping, are you going to be doing more of a family bed situation?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Will you be getting your dog their own bed or will you be kenneling?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: I guess if we have the dog at the studio, we dog would probably have to have the its own bed, right?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, because we wouldn't be sleeping here.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: Doesn't Claire have a bed that maybe they could that our dog sleep sleep, although it's probably not quite good enough for the dog.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that could work.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so we will be finding an acceptable bed situation, not the same kind of kenneling behind bars as your father in prison.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, no.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: No, this if we Miss Claire's bed is really nice.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's you know, it's used, but hey, it's pretty good.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: All right, as long as it's in good condition.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: So that's gonna bring me then to drugs, I guess.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I have a couple of cups that you can pee in when we finish with the interview.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: A drug test?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: Is that is that is that really necessary?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, yeah, we're not gonna get the dog high, although, you know, it's a funny thing.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: I knew a guy in college, but he had a boxer and he smokes so much the boxer, the dog it gets stoned, the boxer gets stoned.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: That dog couldn't stay away from Doritos, it gained a ton of weight.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: No, we we will not be doing any drugs with our pets.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: No, that'd be a that'd be a waste of weed.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, no, we're not kidding.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: It would be kind of funny though.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Well, drugs aren't a joke.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I mean, think about adopting a child.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't want to adopt him or her into a drug den or a whorehouse, would you?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: Uh just to clarify, drugs aren't a joke, but jokes are funnier on drugs.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: I think I think we all kind of know that.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, yeah, but I I I do understand what you're saying, but I don't understand why you are accusing us of having a whorehouse.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: You've got a woman that you call your producer with a bed in your office, and she was lovely to talk to.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: She's obviously in the hospitality industry, so you tell me.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: That would be the dog's bed.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's Miss Claire.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Miss Claire's not a sex worker, at least.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: No, not now.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: I I I gotta tell you, we know for sure, because if she was with what we pay her, she sure wouldn't stick around here.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think we can safely say she's not a worker of any kind.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: No, all right, okay, I believe you, but you know that in the last census, we had over three million sex workers in America alone, and that could be anywhere.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: That could be your next door neighbor, it could be your producer, it could be anyone.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's one of those stats that I'm not sure makes a lot of sense to me.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_02: I um you know, I guess you could make the argument then that if you're working for a dog rescue organization, you could be a sex worker as well.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't want to say anything, but you know, that the name buttercup kind of sounds a little whatever, but no, uh I didn't mean to to imply anything.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, don't know what to do.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is the name of a famous princess?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: From the princess bride.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: So she's also a bride, not a whore.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that's getting a little too private and personal, and I would like to keep this interview professional.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_02: Me too.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, all right, where were we?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, next question: what are the sizes of your penises?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't think that that's important.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_02: At least I don't really care what Steve's size is, but what do you think, Steve?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, Jeff, I I know we've known each other over 50 years, and yeah, I don't think you've ever seen me in this condition before, but I I literally I'm I'm speechless.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think this is the first time that's ever happened.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't think we'd need to answer that.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, what what are you gonna ask next?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: Do I prefer the missionary position?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, come on.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Refusing to answer, I'll just circle small.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, actually, as far as positioning is concerned, you can really we have a mostly don't ask, don't tell policy as long as you don't do doggy style, because that puts the dog in a terrible position.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Either you're doing it really well and it shames him, or you're doing it poorly and he feels like he needs to mentor you in some way, which he really can't do.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: So um, let's keep going.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Republican, Democrat, or independent.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: What difference does that make?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Dog can't vote.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: I I've tried to register dogs, and uh, you know, they they won't do it.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: The dog won't vote.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Why it's important for you to be politically active as his little puppy parents, you need to represent their interests.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's not important what party you belong to, as long as we're not an independent.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Most people just aren't committed to anything or to representing their dogs, they're very wishy-washy.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm confused.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_02: How are we doing so far on this test?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: It doesn't feel like we're doing great.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, not bad.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let me, if I carry the want, you're okay.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: I just have a few more questions.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you do well on those, then we can wrap this up.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um the first question uh, how do you do with bringing your dog to work every day?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: If this is gonna happen, it's you said a doggy mascot.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what kind of entertainment are you gonna provide for your canine friend?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a long day in the studio.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can't expect him, you're her, to just sleep all day, even with this nice bed you've got.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure we have some dog books that they could read.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, we got some dog books.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh plus we have a you know a television that we could put on for the dog and kind of entertain the dog that way.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: Like reruns of Rinton 10 or something.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not old yeller.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's a trigger.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_02: And trigger, that was a horse.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that could work.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that could work.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: And they like to watch horses, but you have an up-to-date description, uh, subscription to Does the Dog Die?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: No movies that are rated X, R, or with a dog that dies.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we sure won't.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, it'll be Hallmark Channel 24-7 for that dog.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Did I hear something about a puppy rental service?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, it was just one of those, you know, brainstorming ideas.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_02: It was goofy.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_02: The idea was that everybody loves newborn puppies and you know, the puppy smell and of their breath and stuff.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: And so uh Kathy and I thought about maybe starting a business where we would rent out the puppies for a weekend, but it the it's it's not an idea that we've actually done anything with it.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's a it's not gonna happen, I promise.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think that might be too bad.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: We're actually running out of cute little golden, so it might it might be nice to have a good source to replenish our stock.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you rent them out as puppies, we get them when they're about 10 months.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, it can be our bring.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey Jeff, maybe we should reconsider that.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: We could ask our D O P E, see if we can afford it, you know.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, maybe that's it, maybe we should start that back up.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a bad idea.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that I think that actually gave you a few points there.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but we just have a couple more between 1979 and 1987.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Did either of you have sex with anyone who lived in or visited Albania?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm assuming that's a no then.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Confusion.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you could find Albania on a map.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: I think I'm safe.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't have sex during that period at all.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh um, then excellent.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever traded money, drugs, or dog treats for sex?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: Any of those, right?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: Any of those?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_02: Not that I can recall, Steve.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_02: What about you?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, didn't you were telling me Kathy likes those farmer dog snacks?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: She does.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, they're crunchy.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, those are pretty good.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: I have to admit.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_02: I we don't trade them for anything.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I mean she gives them to the dog, right?
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I don't see her give them to the dog, but I'm assuming she does.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, then just one more question.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I am looking around, I'm seeing all these glue traps that you have around the studio.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: What are those for?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh well, yes, we do have quite the infestation of rats here, unfortunately.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: And we've tried and tried and tried different things, and they keep coming back.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: So we just use them to control the rat population.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: That that should be all right, though, because you wouldn't want rats around with dogs.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that'd be dangerous.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: No, actually, that is a deal breaker.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: We believe that all gods' creatures need to be protected, and we would never to adopt a golden since you two have proven yourselves to be murderers and torturers of rodents.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm speechless.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_02: Although, if we don't catch them, wouldn't they be dangerous to a dog, especially like a young dog?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: They would be, and that's why you should consider donating those rats to the rats rescue of Greater Omaha, Rugo.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I happen to have an up an application if you're interested in adopting the rat.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: So wait, so let me, I just want to see if I understand where we are here.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: We can't adopt a dog because we trap rats that would be harmful to that dog that we can't adopt, but we can adopt a rat.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yes, you can adopt the rats as long as you aren't torturing or harming.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not part of the rat rescue, I just have their application.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: They you can go through their process as much as you want, but it is a deal breaker for the golden rescue because dogs need a challenge.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: They want to be challenged and kill the rats themselves.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: That is key for their intellectual development and stimulation.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_02: So, what if we get rid of the glue traps and we just let the dog go and catch their own rats?
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_02: Would that help?
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think that I don't feel like you really see the bigger picture.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I am afraid, I am sorry, I cannot, I cannot, in good faith, recommend you as dog adopters.
• 23:08
  unknown: No dog.
• 23:09
  unknown: Wow.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I did, I did see someone who was an ideal candidate to adopt a golden dog.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: He opened the show for you, this Johnny, and you introduced me to Johnny.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: Johnny, Johnny, little Johnny.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, John.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, isn't my mom in for yet another surprise?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: She thought having a baby at 90 was a surprise, but oh, Johnny is gonna get her a golden retriever.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'll tell you what, I'll do more than introduce you to Johnny.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'll let Johnny take us out of this show.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: Johnny, please take us out of this show.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right, Steve.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: Guests of the Steve and Jeff show, including any adopted pets, stay at the formerly clean and internationally scoffed at Harney Hotel, combining New Orleans efficiency with Philadelphia politeness.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: If you work as a Carney, you'll love the Hardy.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, guest travel standby on the Ignited Airlines, now offering 12 o'clock seating and optional no-rescue standing spots on selected international flights.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, at Ignited Airlines, you're toast.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: This has been an Eye in the Sky production in association with Like We Didn't Already Know Media.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Cat show wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Johnny speaking, I can't bring home a dog.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not over those dumber rooms Miss Claire brought in.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't think my car is big enough for Steve Mom and little Stevie for all of us to live in.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: Good night.