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Happy Hour #110: When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sanny and Samantha and welcome to Stephane
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: never told you protection of iHeart Radio, and welcome to
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: another edition of Happy Hour, back after a hiatus, but
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: here we are. This one is kind of an unhappy Hour.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: I'll talk about it more in a second, but I
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: think it's gonna be fine. That's always comforting when someone
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: says that at the front, right. As always with these,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: if you choose to do do so, drink responsibly. I'm once
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: again sticking to my red wine. Red wine, that's all
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I really have. Ye, and what are you drinking, Samantha,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: I'm sticking to bubble water. Yeah, my own advice. Not
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: been a good week, so therefore we'll not be drinking.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: There you go, very wid It is very very wise.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: So I guess content warning for this so on brief
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: discussion of trauma and discussion of issues around your nation,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: because that is what we're gonna be talking about today.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: I have actually never talked about this with anybody except
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: in therapy O. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's one
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: of those things. It's like been a part of my
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: life for so long that until my therapist was like,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: has this always been an issue? Oh? Yeah? Okay, So
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: basically I'm not going to go too deep into it.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: But I did have a very traumatic assault experience in
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: a bathroom as a child, pretty young, and since then
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I have a I mean, weirdness. I'm so dismissive. I
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: have a difficult time with bathrooms, especially like public bathrooms,
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: even bathrooms at friends places. When I was at kid,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: I used to get kiddie infections pretty regularly because I
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: refused to go to the bathroom and I have to
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: take this pill that would turn my pea blue and
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: it's very, very painful, and I wouldn't like we would
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: go on these nine hour road trips and refuse to
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: go to the bathroom. And it's a thing like people
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: comment on it to this day. They're like, why, I
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: don't understand how you can because I drink a lot
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: of water when I'm like a event like dragon Kna,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: drink my alcohol, please drink responsibly, and I just don't
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: go the bathroom that much. And it was a real
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: issue too in our old office because I was in
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: a back corner and so I'd have to go around
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: people and something about that. I would be like, I'll
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: just die here first, Like I'm making light of it
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: because it is kind of like an embarrassing It shouldn't be,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: but it feels like an embarrassing thing to talk about.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: And I didn't like we were doing D and D
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: during the pandemic and I was the dungeon master, the
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: game master or whatever, and it was virtual, and I
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: still could never like get out out of the bathroom
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: or like we remember we have those meetings at work
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: on Zoom, I would be stuck in them even if
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: they went way over and I had to pee because
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: I couldn't just leave. And it's stupid because no one
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: was in my home, like nothing's going to happen. I
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: live alone, but there are friends houses, like I've never
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: used the bathroom in their house. Never if I can't
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: put my foot on the door or somehow block it,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: I won't use the bathroom in a public place. And
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: I've recently learned. One of the reasons I wanted to
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: talk about this is I've recently learned this. It's actually
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: not that I won't say not rare. But I know
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: a couple of friends and I got to talking about it,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: and they had a similar experience. Although one of my
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: friends said it was fomal like she was afraid she
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: left the room to use the bathroom she would miss something.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: I guess, yeah, yeah, which I also get. I also get,
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: and I think that's part of what's going on. But
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: it's definitely all some of the trauma. And I hadn't
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: realized it until my therapist. I forgot about the kidney infections,
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: but that was a big part of my life for
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: a long time. I would get them regularly. My parents
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: would get so frustrated with me because they couldn't figure out, like,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: if you have to peek, I don't you just go pete?
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: And I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it. And it kind
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: of became a joke where people would jokingly time how
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: long it would take me to pete because I would
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: wait so long, and it was like, it sounds more
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: sinister than it is. Yeah, I don't think that helps
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: your trauma though, No, No, it certainly did. But we
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: were kids. This was like as a kid thing where
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: I was like okay, or they would be like, wow,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: she never peas, but when she does, she piece along
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: and wait, wait, wait, wait to do it. But it
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: did build up on me for sure. I'm like, now
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: everyone knows about it, and people are paying more attention
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: to it. But I have noticed it started happening again,
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: which I'm trying to figure out because, as I said,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: I live alone. I get it when I'm with other people,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: even though I still don't like it, And most of
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: the time it's like friends of mine and it shouldn't
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: be a big deal, but I live alone, and so
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: I'm just trying to like wrap my mind around what
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: that means. For a while, I used to frame it
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: in a very unhealthy ways, like being productive, like I
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: would time when I had to be based on like
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: if something was exporting on my computer and I couldn't
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: do anything else, and that's when I would do it.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: It's kind of it reminds me of like my problems
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: with eating, where it's no longer about what my body
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: needs anymore. It's just a thing that I try to control,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: which is a very common trauma response. But I don't
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: know it doesn't I don't like the it feels like
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: I'm going backwards and I can't quite figure out why.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: But it's it's one of the frustrating things too. In
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: terms of we talked about this in our trauma episodes.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: There's so many things like throughout your day where you're like,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: here's another reminder of that thing, and now it's this. Yeah,
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I had you realized it, and I thought i'd gotten
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: better at it, but it never ends. You got to
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: do the work. Like their exasperation in this, you know, though,
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: I mean, we're having an interesting week, you and I
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: in general, just like maybe just thinking on things, or
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: the fact that and I've been thinking a lot about this,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: and we've been talking a lot about crisis and trauma
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: and triggers and so many just ugly things that are happening.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: And I think part of what you and I experience
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: is that we think we've done so much work and
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: we have that going backwards feels like failing, and it's
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: not actually failing, it's kind of just a reminder that
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: it is perpetual. You're never going to be perfectly okay
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: in any scenario because no matter how well you have
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: done in their rep no matter how amazing you've done,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: how much good support you have, you can't stop a trigger.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: You can't stop and forget and erase trauma that doesn't happen,
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: that will never ever happen. And that sucks so much
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: because we are going to do this. But what we
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: are doing that is better is confronting it quicker, able
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: to call it out and acknowledge it quicker. And I
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: think that's the progress. That's what we have to remember
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: because you'll always have that fear. It's just how you
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: react to it or how often it happens or how
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: often that trigger is going to bother you more so
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: because you have this on top of that, which is
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: what I was talking about in my past Monday Mini,
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: It's just a collective of things, and then it just
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: brought that one feeling that can incapacitate me. Yeah, even
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: though that's not the exact situation right when I was
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: thinking about this, this this is such a bigger situation than
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: what I'm talking about because it is like a real stigma.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Like I said, I've never talked about this ever because
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: we don't talk about like our own bodily functions, especially
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: as women. And I know this is a huge issue
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: around the world, like safety around beeing are you using
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: the bathroom? And then when you put in like all
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: of this bullsh around trans people in bathrooms like it is,
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: there is a lot of trauma for a lot of
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: people around this, but we never talk about it. I
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: just never talk about it because we've stigmatized it so much,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: like as kids, you don't even just taught like this
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: is not a this not polite, don't talk about it.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: We have like ephemisms for everything, right, So I think
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: it was kind of a shocking moment when I was
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: in that therapy session and there this was like, wait, oh, yeah,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: you're right, this is a normal, or at least it's
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: something I've gotten so used to. I haven't thought about
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: it right, like ever, even though I should have had,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Like if you're regularly getting a pretty painful, serious infection
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: and the only reason is at least according to what
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: doctors could tell me, is like you won't go to
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: the bathroom, you won't go pee, should maybe ask about that. Yeah,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: but you know, I am. I do feel better. I
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: feel like I have made a lot of strides and
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: mindfulness and this is an important one. I think that
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: might be also why I'm kind of shaken by it.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: It's because I haven't ever given it thoughts, and so
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: now that I am, I'm like, oh, yeah, when you
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: connect dots and you realize the deeper meaning, and I've
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: done this because I will have sensory flashbacks that I'm like,
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: this doesn't make sense. Why am I emotional now? And
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: then you connect it. It's like kicking the gut, like
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: it changes your breath away about how you feel and
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: how alarming it takes your whole body, like it's your
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: body responds because it remembers trauma. It's just so much
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: that we can't again. I hate that this sounds so bessimistic.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: I know I sound like a downer all the time,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: but the truth of the matter is you can't pretend
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: that it's going to be totally patched up fixed where
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: you'll never have to deal with it again. That's unrealistic. UM.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: And also it sets you up to fail inevitably. So
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: that's the good The good news is it's not abnormal. UM.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Bad news is you have to figure out how to cope.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: I alwaysh I could have just captured the look Samantha
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: gave you listeners. It's quite good because it's it's all right,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna telling you the truth, and I'm sorry I'm
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: telling you the truth. And but at the same time
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I get it like those of us who and I
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: think that's about nine if not one of us know
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: that feeling when you've discovered or rediscovered something that you
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: hadn't even thought of as a connection. It's just like,
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: oh god, what is this? Ah? It is, Yeah, it is.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: It is a new trauma because I keep saying that
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: word on top of that trauma that you have to
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: unfold because you have to unfold in like a puzzle
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: piece put together why because you have to make it
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: makes sense or it's going or it's going to haunt you.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: And when you do that answer, inevitably it's going to
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: be just as painful, but it gets easier when you
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: have to deal with that face to face right right,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: It is hard to with something because this is like
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: I said, it does remind me of eating for me,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: of like that kind of I should just be able
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: to eat, but for me it's like difficult. But it's
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: the same. It should just be a bodily thing to do.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: You do have to do. It's but it's turned into
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: something that is like a struggle. But I mean that
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: being said fingers crossed, I haven't had a kidney issue
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: in a really long time. I have a made stride
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: I have I think this is just feels a lot
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: of them kind of new, but I'm sharing it with you,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: and I I don't think I could have done that
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: even like a year ago. And I'm not. I'm honestly,
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: I'm not embarrassed by it. It's it's just it's we've
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: put so much stigma on it that it feels like
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: I should be embarrassed by it. But I'm not. It's
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: just we've we've put so much weirdness around this, uh
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: and we've already we're already weird about women talking about
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: sexual assault anyway. Um, so I think I've I've come. Always,
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: thank you and thank you for listening and being so supportive,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: and thank you listeners. Cheers to everybody for joining in
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: this unhappy hour. It has been a week, has been
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: a week, it has but we're happy to share our
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: unhappiness with you. If you would like to email us,
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: you can or email Stephanie your mom Steff at iheartmia
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: dot com. You can find us on Twitter at mom
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff I
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Never Told. You can also find us on YouTube. We
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: do have a book coming out. You can pre order it,
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: yes at stuff You should read books dot com. The
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: illustrations by Helen Joy oh chefs, so good, so good.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: Thanks as always to our super producer Christina, our executive
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: producer Maya, and our contributor Joey. Thank y'all, and thanks
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: to you for listening Stuff I Never Told Us. Production
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: by I Heeartradio from More Podcast from my Heart Radio.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: You can check out the O Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.