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Can Money and Love Live in the Same House? · Reading Your Own Life with Swami Larry

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reading Your Own Life with Swami Lurry.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is season one: Money Can Buy Happiness.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Episode seven is Can Money and Love Live in the Same House?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: When we meet someone and fall in love, money isn't usually at the forefront of our minds.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: We all want romance and connection, of course, to meet a soulmate who makes us feel happy, warm, wanted, and loved.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because it feels unromantic, we often avoid thinking about money when we're falling in love.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: However, it does feel like we need to acknowledge that money and financial goals play a significant role in a relationship.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because of course they do, whether we want it to or not.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're going to stay with your partner, even get married, you can't avoid financial discussions.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Many couples argue about money, and money is one of the biggest causes of divorces in the U.S.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Estimates suggest that 20 to 40% of divorces involve money, and it may be even higher.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: In rough terms, nearly four out of ten failed marriages cite money as a primary issue.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's a significant number for something we can actually work on.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Money can tear any couple apart, but it can also bring you closer together.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: That shift begins with a change in perspective.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: When we approach this consciously, money can strengthen intimacy.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Money has a way of bringing feelings to the surface in relationships, not because it's doing anything wrong, but because it's close to our fears and our hopes.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, we've talked about this all season.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Money is neutral.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't cause problems, but it can trigger what's already there.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So let's look at the most common flashpoints.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: When you and your partner see money differently, especially around spending and saving, it can create real tension.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Does one of you earn a lot more than the other?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is common and it's not a competition, but it can still create an imbalance.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe if someone spends money in secret or refuses to be transparent about their financial situation, it can erode trust in the relationship.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us bring a certain style to any relationship, and recognizing it turns friction into translation.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you're the saver.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Security is going to be first for you.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: The saver loves a steady plan, a growing cushion, tidy stacks of receipts.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: The gift is stability.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's the growth edge.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's a joy in being in the present.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the spender, the joy is about now, about the chase, so to speak.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Experiences and generosity feel like investments and aliveness.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that gift is vibrancy.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that growth edge is rhythm and restraint.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then there is the avoider.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Numbers to them feel like static.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Bills are open later.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: For them, the gift is a common perspective.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: The growth edge is timely engagement.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for the controller, they need a plan for a plan.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Their gift is clarity and follow-through.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: The growth edge for them is flexibility and trust.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now you see, any pairing can thrive.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: The magic is always in the translation.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: The safer may ask, how do we keep future us safe?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: The spender may ask, how do we keep ourselves vibrant?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: The controller asks, what is the process?
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: The avoider asks, how do we make this feel human?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Choose one sentence you'll offer each other in any tense moment.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You might try, future us will thank us, or let's keep this simple and joyful.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: You see, financial tension is not just about the numbers.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: It lives in our chemistry and our breath.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: So before discussing numbers, take a moment to regulate your own nervous system.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Take too longer exhales and inhales.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Allow your shoulders to soften.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Co-regulate first, then negotiate.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: The prefrontal cortex thrives in that calm environment.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: But when it gets hot, borrow this sentence.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: It may help.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just say to yourself, I am for us, not against you.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't only for people already in relationships.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: If you're single and looking to meet someone, thinking about how money fits into a future relationship can be an essential tool.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't about income, though.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's about the financial values you want to share.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I had a friend of mine, and she shared a story with me about one of her dates.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: She was out for drinks, and he bought the first round.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: She offered to buy the next.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: The date was going quite well, she thought.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: So he went back for the third round.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when they left, my friend ordered a cab and offered him a ride since he lived on the same way.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: He agreed.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: When he got out of the cab, instead of saying goodbye or kissing her, he said, I bought that extra drink, so it's fine that you pay for the cab, right?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that might sound fine to you, but my friend was put off by the way he kept track of the money in his head.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: She had a ride booking account and had already planned to pay for it, but it wasn't the money that bothered her.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was the way he viewed it as a transaction.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: On the ride home, she started to imagine a future where everything was split so evenly that they would need a spreadsheet.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: In this case, it wasn't just his attitude toward money.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: It shaped her decision not to see him again.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: When you know what matters to you, dating feels less awkward and more honest.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Say you find yourself on a first date wondering who pays.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a simple script.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to get the first round.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to grab the next?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or shall we split the whole check?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's clear, it's kind, and that's pressure free.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's exactly the tone that can build ease between people.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: One important note before we go further.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: If money feels unhealthy in your relationship, it's worth considering whether the relationship itself is struggling, independent of finances.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: In some relationships, money is used as a reward or a punishment, as means of control.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, money is not meant to be a weapon, and neither is love.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: If money is used to isolate, surveil, or punish, your priority is safety, not budgeting.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Red flags include blocked access to your accounts, debt taken out in your name without your consent, taking your cards or ID, or even as far as sabotaging your job.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: First steps include confiding in someone you trust, keep copies of key documents in a safe location, and establishing a small emergency fund you can access independently.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: The problem usually lies with the person using the control, not with you or money.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: So for couples on a solid ground, I suggest cultivating financial intimacy within your relationship.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: What do I mean by that though?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: It means being open and honest about where your finances are and where you hope they will go.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Discuss your goals openly and identify shared themes you and your partner can work toward together.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you may disagree on saving, expenses, and debt, but you'll also find points you agree on.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Build a foundation on what you agree on rather than what you disagree on.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: So here's something to try this week.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Call it a money date night.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Set aside some time with your partner.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Have a nice dinner, glass of wine, cocktail, or soft drink, whatever you enjoy, but make it something you look forward to.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Light a candle or add a bit of romance if you like.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: But what matters most is that you feel fun and relaxed.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is not like visiting the tax office.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're creating a place for a positive conversation about money with the person you love.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you need some ideas, try these questions.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: If money were no object, where would you live?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: What would be your ideal vacation destination together?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: What makes you feel good about saving money?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: What makes you feel good about spending money?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine a million-dollar check.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: What's the first thing you do?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you're single, you can still do this exercise.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: This time focusing on the partner is what we're trying to attract at the moment, though.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're doing this single, just answer the questions as if your ideal date were answering them.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Focus on the values that matter most to you, especially financial ones.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: This type of clarity can make the first date feel much easier.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Then a two-minute closing ritual, and this is for couples or singles.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Hold your own hand, if you're single, or your partners.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Say, thank you for the ways money supported us today.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Then say, thank you for the ways we supported each other.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Take one full breath together.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Love first, number second.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Join me next time for episode 8.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why does spending feel so good and then so bad?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, I'm Swami Larry.