Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 55 | Elf on the Chaise Lounge

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55 | Elf on the Chaise Lounge · You Didn't Ask For This

0:00
Eric: Egggy in the basket.
0:03
Eric: Oh.
0:04
Eric: That's the Breckie for me.
0:07
Eric: What a bop.
0:08
Eric: That's the song I have in my heart today.
0:10
Eric: Um Eggie in a basket?
0:13
Eric: I had Brecki.
0:15
Eric: And for Breckie, I had Egggy in the basket.
0:18
Eric: Have you ever had Eggie in the Basket?
0:20
Matt: Egggy in a basket.
0:21
Eric: And Eggie in the basket.
0:23
Eric: Egggy we don't have to put that much like emotional weight on it.
0:28
Eric: Egggy in the basket.
0:29
Matt: Sounds a little dirty to me.
0:31
Eric: Oh, you want to come out around for a little Egggy in the basket now?
0:36
Eric: Go on, man.
0:36
Eric: Give us some Egggy.
0:38
Matt: Yeah.
0:38
Eric: Um, what is this Eggie in what basket?
0:41
Eric: Egggy in the basket is a uh it is an English thing.
0:46
Eric: Well, you know, we've j I'm just trying to keep this string of like appropriating the shit out of things from Andy's culture.
0:53
Eric: I've been eating Egggy in the basket for years.
0:55
Eric: But Egggy in the Basket is when you just you take a piece of bread.
0:58
Matt: Yeah.
0:59
Eric: Like a piece of white bread, you cut a circle in the middle of it.
1:03
Eric: Uh some people use like a wine glass or like I'll use like the cap from a can of Pam.
1:09
Eric: That is like the perfect size.
1:10
Eric: Okay.
1:11
Eric: You cut out like a circle of bread, you but you butter the shit out of your bread.
1:15
Matt: Uh-huh.
1:16
Matt: That's just a rule for bread, in my opinion, in general, but continue.
1:20
Eric: Um, you fry that bread in a pan, like a skillet, and then you crack an egg in the hole you made, and you fry the egg, and then you fry the bread on both sides, and you end up with like this piece of butter-fried bread with a fried framed egg.
1:36
Eric: A framed egg.
1:37
Eric: You can hang that shit on the wall.
1:39
Eric: It should be a big thing.
1:40
Eric: Shouldn't it be called a framed egg and not eggy in a basket?
1:44
Eric: Well, here's the other thing.
1:45
Eric: This is the other delightful thing about Eggie in the Basket.
1:47
Eric: Let me just pull you to Wikipedia, my man.
1:49
Eric: Okay.
1:50
Eric: In Wikipedia, Egg in the Basket has its own article.
1:54
Eric: And it's a good thing.
1:54
Matt: Oh, and so it's called Egg in the Basket?
1:56
Eric: I I call it We're getting there.
1:58
Eric: Egg in the Basket.
1:59
Eric: We're getting there.
1:59
Matt: All right, I'm sorry.
2:00
Matt: I'm sorry.
2:00
Eric: There's an entire section of this article uh titled Names and Appearances in Pop Culture.
2:06
Eric: I'm just gonna start rattling off names for this dish.
2:08
Eric: There are so many like colloquial names for this food.
2:13
Eric: Oh, I bet.
2:13
Eric: Uh there are many names for this dish, including bullseye eggs, eggs in a frame, eggs in a hole, eggs in a nest, gas house eggs, gas house special, gostholse eggs, gosth eggs.
2:27
Eric: Gostos eggs.
2:28
Eric: Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
2:31
Eric: One-eyed Jack, one-eyed Pete, Pirate's Eye, and Popeye.
2:36
Eric: The name Toad in the Hole is sometimes used for this dish.
2:39
Eric: Toad in the Hole.
2:40
Eric: It's also known as Guy Kibby Eggs due to its preparation by actor Guy Kibby in the 1935 Warner Brothers film Mary Jane's Pa.
2:50
Eric: You know.
2:51
Eric: That fucking classic.
2:52
Eric: It's also called Betty Grable Eggs from the actress's uh preparation of gas house eggs in the 1941 film Moon Over Miami.
3:01
Eric: Oh my god.
3:02
Eric: I know.
3:03
Eric: Uh it's prepared by Hugo Weaving uh and Stephen Fry's characters in the 2005 film V for Vendetta.
3:10
Eric: Uh and that's that's where I learned to call it Egggy in the Basket.
3:13
Eric: That's where I first saw it.
3:14
Matt: So I I guess I am just in the dark here with it.
3:18
Eric: Oh, bro, you're you're missing out on this whole like subculture.
3:21
Eric: Uh I guess so.
3:22
Matt: I guess this is a standard dish if Hugo Weaven's doing it.
3:26
Matt: Yeah, yeah.
3:26
Matt: It's in Hugo, I trust.
3:28
Eric: It's awesome because it's just like it's so easy to make.
3:32
Eric: It's it's really hard to fuck up, and it's really good.
3:36
Matt: It feels like like uh why not just make an egg sandwich at this point?
3:42
Matt: You know what I'm saying?
3:43
Matt: Because now, so what do you do?
3:44
Matt: You put it on a plate and then you like cut across, do you fold it over?
3:48
Matt: Like, how do you eat it?
3:50
Eric: So, me, I pick it up and I just start taking bites out of it, and then all that yolk, I and you can cook your egg in the middle however you want.
3:57
Eric: Like, some people will do it scrambled.
3:59
Eric: Um, most people do like a fried egg, and I sure your boy, your boy loves a runny egg.
4:05
Eric: So like, I'll bite into it, I'll get all that runny goodness.
4:07
Eric: And then, Matt, that's where remember that little disc of bread you cut out earlier?
4:11
Eric: You also fry that in butter, and that is there to sop up all that fucking you're winning me over here.
4:18
Eric: Bro, I will make you eggy in the basket.
4:20
Eric: It's just so nice and good and pure.
4:24
Eric: It's usually what like I'll I'll try to make it for myself for breakfast on uh Christmas morning, which I don't know if you noticed.
4:33
Eric: It's right around the corner.
4:34
Matt: Right around the corner.
4:35
Matt: Right around just a few days.
4:36
Matt: Just a few days away.
4:37
Eric: Uh, I I also I'll do like a little swirl of sriracha on top of mine.
4:42
Eric: Oh yeah.
4:43
Eric: Sriracha on eggs.
4:44
Matt: Lindsay and I have been having sriracha and eggs uh with like a rediscovered uh appreciation in the recent months uh for our we we traditionally do a bigger breakfast on Sunday ever since the pandemic started.
4:58
Matt: That's been like a tradition we've begun.
5:00
Matt: And as opposed to just like a smoothie or whatever.
5:03
Matt: Lindsay doesn't normally have breakfast, first of all.
5:06
Eric: She doesn't strike me as a breakfast person.
5:07
Eric: That is not a dig on you, Lindsay.
5:09
Eric: You just you don't have breakfast energy.
5:11
Matt: No, it's a dig.
5:12
Matt: I don't understand it myself.
5:14
Eric: Um, let's be absolutely uh transparent.
5:19
Eric: We are talking mad shit right now.
5:21
Matt: But uh yeah, the sriracha on like a runny egg, god damn, that's so good.
5:27
Eric: It's so choice.
5:29
Matt: Yeah, so maybe we need to apply that same uh that same preparation to uh Egggy in a basket.
5:35
Matt: It's it's I will say that's the more sexual of these names as opposed to Toad in the Hole or whatever.
5:41
Eric: Oh yeah, Egggy in the Basket.
5:44
Eric: Egggy in the basket sound like it's dancing close to something, but we're not sure what it is, and that makes it more sexual and more uncomfortable somehow.
5:55
Matt: Well, I think I know what we're dancing close to.
5:57
Matt: You know, if you're coming over in the morning for a little egg in the basket, you know what I'm saying?
6:03
SPEAKER_03: How do you like your discs?
6:07
Matt: How do you want your eggs this morning?
6:09
Matt: Yeah.
6:11
Matt: I can put them right in the basket for you.
6:14
Eric: Nothing but that, baby.
6:30
Matt: Ho ho ho, everybody, to yet another edition of You Didn't Ask for This, the podcast answering life's least pressing questions.
6:39
Matt: My name is Matt Shea.
6:40
Eric: My name is Eric Poach.
6:42
Eric: Excellent, uh, excellent hose.
6:45
Eric: Just want to sweet.
6:46
Eric: I just wanted to give you that positive note.
6:48
Matt: I I appreciate it.
6:50
Matt: It is, of course, our 55th episode.
6:54
Matt: Eric, if you can believe it, we're already we're already coming up on 60 already.
6:58
Eric: Ooh, 55.
7:01
Eric: Let's take that dive.
7:03
Eric: This is where we just we phone it in the whole episode.
7:05
Matt: Just phone it in from here on out.
7:08
Matt: But it is also our trad what has become a traditional uh holiday episode.
7:17
Matt: Um, we've got we've got a new definitive ranking.
7:21
Matt: Last year we uh we ranked Santa's reindeer.
7:25
Matt: We've got a new one for you, a new Christmas-based definitive ranking for you, and uh uh holiday questions on top for you today.
7:34
Matt: Eric, though, first I need to know how are you this as we approach, rapidly approach Christmas.
7:40
Eric: Bro, I got two eggies in baskets in the chamber, the chamber being my tummy.
7:46
Eric: Um I'm doing fucking great.
7:48
Eric: I'm ready to like start chugging out these fa la la la laughs.
7:53
Matt: Yes, yes, absolutely.
7:57
Matt: And uh since I know we usually do spend a a good minute on the uh definitive rankings, yeah.
8:04
Matt: I think first we should just jump right into some questions.
8:07
Eric: Oh, a little apertified.
8:09
Matt: Yeah.
8:09
Matt: So what what what do you think, Eric?
8:11
Matt: Should we uh should we jump in?
8:13
Eric: Yeah, yeah, and gang, we got a lot of questions on a on a pretty specific subject.
8:21
Matt: Yeah, it's almost as if we asked directly for questions on the subject.
8:26
Eric: And like, I you know, I don't know.
8:29
Eric: I just I like a little bit more, you know, it seems like they're trying too hard.
8:34
Matt: Oh, interesting.
8:35
Matt: Starting out with a criticism.
8:36
Matt: Yeah, okay.
8:38
Matt: Okay.
8:39
Eric: That is my gift to you on on this Christmas.
8:42
Matt: Gift to our audience is backhanded compliments.
8:46
Matt: Yes.
8:47
Eric: I love you all.
8:48
Eric: Um, but yeah, this all revolves around a particular Christmas tradition.
8:54
Eric: I think that's a good idea.
8:55
Matt: Yeah, and I want to talk about that part too.
8:57
Eric: We we are gonna talk about that part.
8:59
Eric: Uh we speak, of course, of elf on a shelf.
9:04
Matt: Yeah, the elf on the shelf uh is the c the topic at hand.
9:09
Matt: And so we did ask for questions about it, and the first one I think is something I've never really considered, and it comes from our good friend at Zach Deuce on.
9:18
SPEAKER_04: Zach E, boy for me!
9:20
Matt: Uh and what Zach has to say is, is the elf on the shelf a prestigious position, or is it a punishment?
9:29
Matt: And he goes on to say, I mean, these little shits snitch on kids to Santa every night.
9:34
Matt: Either they fucked up and Santa said this is your penance, or they all really enjoy being narcs.
9:43
Matt: Now that's interesting because I never really thought let's lay the groundwork first before we jump right into it, Eric, about Elf on the Shelf.
9:52
Matt: I never really knew about Elf on the Shelf until I worked at Barnes and Noble after college.
9:59
Eric: I had never heard about it until I was a man grown.
10:02
Matt: And then I was selling it, and people uh uh, you know, people were being acting like, oh yeah, it's a Christmas tradition.
10:09
Matt: And you know, I've been like, oh, did you grow up with Elf on the Shelf?
10:12
Matt: Because I didn't, did you?
10:13
Matt: I I super did not grow up with Elf on the Shelf and then and then I know why, because I looked, of course, I got the tab open here on Elf on the Shelf to give us some information.
10:22
Matt: Elf on the Shelf, the book and the elf that comes with said book, came out in 2005.
10:28
Matt: Yeah.
10:28
Matt: So, like, how much of a tradition is it?
10:32
Eric: This is this was the marketing companies trying to force a tradition.
10:36
Eric: And and mind you, they've been successful before.
10:39
Eric: Valentine's Day, huge win.
10:41
Eric: That was a big win for them.
10:43
Matt: Well, I think they were pretty goddamn successful with this.
10:46
Matt: Lots of people do the elf on the shelf.
10:49
Matt: Now, I you know, we don't, although, you know, and I think Lindsay is in the camp of people who think the elf is creepy.
10:57
Eric: Uh sign me up for that that camp.
11:00
Eric: You also think he's creepy.
11:01
Eric: This elf is like creepy looking or the concept?
11:05
Eric: The concept has it does have that nice touch of like old European, like there's a there's a holiday figure you have to be on the lookout for.
11:19
Eric: Right.
11:20
Eric: Like, you know.
11:21
Eric: But then you just like that.
11:23
Eric: But then you look at it and they could have made it creepy in like the way that, you know, Krampus is creepy.
11:32
Eric: Or they could have made it creepy, you know, the way other, like, you know, Anglo-Saxon fucking whatever the fuck, wherever white people come from, like they could have made it that flavor, but they they went with like horrif horrifying 1950s like sickly looking stick limb elf.
11:53
Matt: I guess he's not that creepy to me.
11:55
Matt: I like it's the limbs.
11:57
Matt: It's the limbs.
11:58
Matt: It's the limbs for you.
11:59
Eric: If he had little stumpy, if he had a little stumpy elf body, he looks nimble.
12:03
Eric: I don't know.
12:04
Matt: I know I know what he looks like, right?
12:06
Matt: But I don't know what those limbs feel like because I haven't tried personally, I think it sounds kind of fun to hide the elf because I've recently just learned the lore.
12:14
Matt: I thought it was just like you move this fucking guy around, and it's a fun thing for the kids to try to find the elf every day, which I think is fun.
12:22
Matt: I don't even think it needs to be applied to kids.
12:25
Matt: I think I think that's fun.
12:26
Matt: Because after all, we're very pro Christmas pickle on this podcast.
12:30
Matt: We are so gang.
12:31
Matt: We uh and now uh here at our house, thanks to my parents over the last couple years, we not only have a pickle, we also have a gherkin.
12:38
Matt: We have both.
12:38
Matt: You have a gherkin.
12:40
Matt: We got them both, baby.
12:41
Matt: We hit them.
12:42
Matt: Lindsay hid one, I hid the other one.
12:44
Matt: We then immediately found them.
12:46
Matt: But uh, you know, uh not much of a challenge when you're in the same room.
12:50
Matt: Cute.
12:51
Matt: Yeah, it's cute.
12:52
Matt: And so I think it'd be you know what, actually, this is just occurring to me.
12:56
Matt: This is a bit, this is bit development.
12:57
Matt: Can we go into the bit lab for a minute?
12:58
Matt: Oh, yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
12:59
Eric: Let's pop on in.
13:00
Matt: Let's pop on in the bit lab.
13:04
Matt: That's the bit lab beakers in the background.
13:08
Matt: What if?
13:09
Matt: So I think Lindsay does think he's creepy, and I might be playing with fire here.
13:13
Matt: What if I go ahead?
13:15
Matt: Uh-huh.
13:15
Matt: Because I'll let you in on a little secret, everybody.
13:17
Matt: We're recording this a decent amount of time before Christmas at this point.
13:22
Matt: When this comes out, when this comes out, it's a couple days away.
13:25
Matt: But on a fucking Sunday, isn't that the fucking worst?
13:29
SPEAKER_03: On a Sunday.
13:30
Matt: Sunday.
13:31
Matt: Anyway, um, so we got a Christmas weekend on tap for you this weekend.
13:35
Matt: But for us, I got time for I got time for a bit.
13:38
Matt: Um, I don't really have time to be arranging these things, but when has that ever stopped me before?
13:43
Matt: What if, Eric?
13:44
Matt: Let me we're in the bit lab.
13:46
Matt: You tell me what you how you feel about this.
13:48
Matt: What if I just go ahead and get an elf on the shelf for this here house?
13:52
Matt: Hide said elf on the shelf.
13:54
Matt: And don't tell Lindsay about this.
13:56
Matt: Just just an elf.
13:58
Eric: Just an elf pops up.
14:00
Eric: Oh, oh Matt, hold on.
14:01
Eric: Let me let me just pour this beaker into this other beaker.
14:05
Eric: Let me swirl that around.
14:06
Eric: See what happens.
14:07
Eric: Ooh, ooh, that's turning pr that's turning good colors, Matt.
14:11
Eric: I I think this is a I think we've got a solid bit.
14:14
Eric: I think that's that's like 99% pure solid bit.
14:18
Eric: Okay.
14:18
Eric: Are we green lighting my bit here?
14:20
Eric: Oh, oh yeah.
14:21
Eric: Oh yeah.
14:22
Eric: Because especially it's especially because I don't have to do anything.
14:24
Matt: I just get to watch.
14:26
Matt: Uh yeah, this is I'm what I'm doing is dooming us to a circle back follow-up telemetry.
14:31
Eric: Where we interview Lindsay after the fact.
14:34
Matt: We debrief.
14:36
Matt: All right.
14:36
Matt: Let's see if I can get my hands on an elf and put it on some shelves.
14:40
Matt: Um, but in the meantime, um to Zach's question.
14:44
Matt: Oh, right, questions.
14:45
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, let's get it out of the bit lab and uh take a lab coat off.
14:51
Eric: That was something shutting down.
14:52
Eric: I assume that was a good noise.
14:54
Eric: Yeah.
14:54
Eric: But is the elf on a shelf, to be a shelf elf, a shall elf.
14:59
Eric: Is it a punishment or is it like an honor?
15:02
Eric: I I get like, I honestly get punishment vibes, or not even punishment vibes, I get intern vibes, which interning is kind of a a proactive punishment towards someone.
15:16
Matt: In indeed, and should be outlawed probably in general.
15:19
Matt: But 100%.
15:20
Matt: Let me let me let me say this.
15:21
Matt: We I I started down the lore route and never really got there.
15:25
Matt: So the lore I have come to learn is that you this elf is hiding in your house, is reporting on the children, monitors the family's activities during the day, and when everyone goes to sleep, he scurries back magically to the North Pole, reports everything to Santa, comes back the next day in a new fucking spot.
15:46
Matt: That's the lore, that's the idea.
15:48
Matt: I didn't know that.
15:49
Matt: I didn't know there was this consequence.
15:51
Matt: I thought there was just a fun little man.
15:54
Eric: Find the find the creepy little stick man.
15:56
Matt: Find the creepy little stick man, a little before school activity for the children, and uh you move on.
16:02
Eric: Yeah, but he's out here like M-I-6, like Splinter Cell Tom Clancy shit, just like all up in your house with his little night vision goggles watching you while you sleep, taking notes, and then scurrying.
16:16
Eric: How the fuck does he get back to the North Pole so quick?
16:19
Eric: Eric, it's magic.
16:20
Matt: It's m it's magic.
16:23
Matt: So listen, if he's doing this, right, if he's here, I I think if he's reporting to the big man, we have to assume that the elves on the shelves are of the elves and making the gifts in the workshop.
16:38
Matt: They're all the same elves.
16:39
Eric: Same, same, same breed of elf.
16:42
Matt: Right?
16:43
Matt: Like, well, what I'm saying is like, or maybe they're not, I don't know.
16:46
Matt: But but if they're if they're here, they're not working on the toys in the workshop.
16:51
Eric: Yeah, and I feel like working on the toys, like that's like uh like I feel like that's the money gig.
16:57
Eric: That's the gig.
16:58
Matt: That's the union gig.
17:00
Eric: That's the you you that's 100%.
17:02
Eric: That's the union gig.
17:03
Matt: So if you're not in the union, are you doomed to be an elf on the shelf?
17:08
Eric: Yeah, I think, and maybe it's like a paying your dues thing.
17:12
Eric: Like maybe before you can get before you can get in cool with the toy elves, you gotta show that you can fucking hang.
17:19
Eric: You gotta put in some years on shelves.
17:21
Eric: You think about you think about the danger presented to the elf on the shelf.
17:25
Eric: Pets.
17:26
Eric: Pets can tear it fuck up.
17:28
Eric: Oh, those cats are ready to kill those things.
17:30
Matt: I can only imagine.
17:32
Eric: Uh other kids, kids end up going like Sid from Toy Story on you, chopping your limbs off.
17:37
Eric: Yeah, you gotta you don't have to worry about that up in the North Pole.
17:40
Eric: In the North Pole, you work in the shop.
17:41
Matt: Yeah, you gotta sit up there, and though then like these humans apparently get to name you, is my understanding.
17:49
Matt: You get to see a lot of dark activities, you know.
17:52
Eric: You get to see a lot of fucked up shit as elf on a shelf.
17:56
Matt: You and you have to, because you have to stay in that same spot till everybody goes to bed.
17:59
Matt: So if somebody's having some dragged down fight about who's gonna retain custody of the children, that's something the elf has to endure.
18:08
Eric: That that's the the elf bears witness.
18:11
Eric: Matt, what if they're serving like a higher purpose, though?
18:14
Eric: Like, what if Santa uses the elves on shelves as sort of like a societal barometer of how much of how worthy we are for Christmas?
18:25
Eric: Like, like he's sitting on his throne in the North Pole, like a weary king, and these elves just like file in, like, my lord, I have reports.
18:36
Matt: Yes.
18:39
Matt: Speak Kringles.
18:40
Matt: Yeah, I mean, but but what if what if we're not looking at this correctly?
18:46
Matt: Because he is the person, presumably the the the stuff we want him to be reporting on is how good everybody is and all that good stuff.
18:56
Matt: But there is the like negative connotation of like he's gonna tell Santa if you've been bad or good, but in the meantime, maybe he's very like look, he's hiding, but he's still kind of obvious.
19:09
Matt: Like we know he's there.
19:10
Matt: Yeah, we all know he's there.
19:12
Eric: We all know he's there.
19:13
Eric: He knows he's there.
19:14
Eric: We know he's there.
19:15
Matt: I mean, the the idea is to actually find him so you can keep tabs on him.
19:21
Matt: And in doing so, uh does the elf not draw attention to the fact to hit to his own purpose, right?
19:29
Eric: Yeah, it's not like he's supposed to do this without anyone ever finding out.
19:33
Matt: Yeah.
19:34
Matt: Well, what I'm saying is like, is it because he could easily move, he's been spotted, he moves around.
19:38
Matt: But no, the elf stays where he's supposed to stay, even if he's been spotted.
19:43
Matt: And that to me says, this is a warning.
19:46
Matt: You know where I am, you know what I can see.
19:49
Matt: Oh I'm yeah, I'm telling you where I am.
19:52
Matt: I am, stay with me, Eric.
19:54
Matt: I'm whistleblowing right now.
19:56
Matt: Okay.
19:57
Matt: Ooh, elf on the shelf is whistleblower.
20:00
Matt: This is where, this is where the surveillance is happening.
20:04
Matt: And don't forget, and I am letting you know about it.
20:08
Matt: Me, Elfward Snowden.
20:11
Eric: Fuck off.
20:14
Matt: Me, Elf Elfward Snowden is here to let you know.
20:19
Matt: I'm here to let you know what I know.
20:21
Matt: I'm a Christmas hero.
20:23
Matt: And yes, that's the fucking that it, yes, it is the main.
20:26
Matt: I don't know.
20:26
Matt: I we didn't consult about this, Eric, but I'm gonna say that's the position of the Elf.
20:31
Eric: No, this that is the official position of this podcast.
20:34
Eric: Elf on a shelf.
20:35
Eric: They are whistleblowers and they must be protected.
20:38
Eric: Um we are we are pro elf on a shelf at this podcast.
20:42
Eric: I'd like to recant my previous statements.
20:45
Eric: I would like to stand in solidarity with my Elven brothers and sisters.
20:49
Eric: I'm just glad that we're on the same place with Edward Snowden, too.
20:52
Eric: Uh oh yeah, Elfward Snowden.
20:54
Eric: That's uh like I you can't see it, but like I've dislocated my knee from slapping it so hard.
21:00
Matt: Slapping it so hard.
21:01
Eric: So good.
21:01
Eric: My gut is busted.
21:03
Matt: Yeah.
21:04
Matt: No, I but I'm saying I'm just glad we're on the same page with Ed Edward Snowden as well.
21:09
Eric: Oh, oh yes, yes.
21:11
Eric: Sorry.
21:11
Eric: Uh I I was in the joy of Christmas elf elf games, and and then I yes.
21:16
Matt: One of my greatest joys is uh uh we Lindsay and I came face to face with a real life person who referred to him as a trader, and um uh we handed their ass to them.
21:29
Eric: Well, sorry, I'm just I'm gonna tear down all these Christmas decorations.
21:33
Eric: Now let's get talk about the real shit.
21:36
Matt: Now the NSA.
21:37
Matt: Uh so all right, put them back up.
21:40
Matt: That's enough.
21:40
Matt: Put them back up.
21:41
Matt: We pulled down the veil.
21:43
Eric: We elf on a shelf, we adults have to teach children about the little lies, like Santa Claus and elves, so you can learn to understand the big lies, like the NSA and chemtrails.
21:57
SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes, like the illusion that.
22:00
SPEAKER_03: This is a free country.
22:01
SPEAKER_03: Anyway, uh come my child.
22:05
Matt: Now that we we're alienating, alienating half of our audience, I'm sure.
22:09
Matt: But that's that's fine.
22:11
Matt: If you think Edward Snowden is a traitor, you can see yourself out.
22:14
Matt: You're getting cold for Christmas.
22:15
Matt: Uh and Alford Snowden's gonna report all that to the big man.
22:20
Eric: Alfred Snowden.
22:22
Eric: And look, to any whistleblowers who are who are listening to our show right now, feel free to tell all your friends about it.
22:28
Matt: I mean, you're kind of tell your friends what?
22:31
Matt: What are you talking about?
22:32
Eric: Oh, like if like if there are any whistleblowers listening to the show, I feel like they would they would be the most qualified to go out of the show.
22:37
Eric: Yeah, but what are they whistleblowing?
22:39
Eric: About our show.
22:40
Eric: Blowing the whistle and how fucking phenomenal this podcast is.
22:44
Eric: Oh, yeah.
22:44
Eric: By all means.
22:45
Eric: Oh, yeah, there we go.
22:46
Eric: Blow that blow that whistle.
22:48
Eric: Please blow that.
22:48
Eric: I mean, everyone whistles.
22:50
Matt: Blow all those whistles.
22:52
Eric: If you haven't today, take a moment.
22:54
Eric: Blow the whistle on something.
22:55
Matt: Blow the whistle on something.
22:56
Matt: And you know what?
22:57
Matt: Here's to the whistleblowers, you know, out there.
22:59
Eric: Fuck you.
23:00
Matt: That's for you.
23:04
Matt: Thank you.
23:04
Matt: You enjoy yourselves.
23:06
Matt: Merry Christmas to you and to all a good night.
23:09
Matt: Uh so the question.
23:10
Eric: So the question.
23:12
Eric: We are agreed.
23:13
Eric: Elf on the shelf, whistleblowers.
23:15
Eric: Yeah.
23:16
Eric: We also got some questions like our good friend Sarah Feldman asked, uh, good friend of the pod, why is it elf on the shelf when he doesn't stay on the shelf?
23:25
Eric: I mean, gotta call him something.
23:28
Eric: Gotta call him something.
23:29
Eric: Can't just be like, ah, it's that, it's that elf.
23:32
Eric: Oh, honey, look, it's that elf again.
23:35
Matt: You can't call him a house elf.
23:36
Matt: That's already been trademarked by 2005.
23:38
Eric: Yeah.
23:39
Eric: That is, yeah.
23:40
Matt: Plus, we I mean we'd all like it to be Dobby, I think, instead.
23:45
Eric: Oh man, little house elf on the shelf.
23:48
Matt: House elf on the shelf.
23:49
Eric: House elf on the shelf.
23:51
Matt: I don't know.
23:51
Matt: I think it'd be kind of I still think it'd be f I like the idea of moving them around from shelf to shelf, from chandelier to chandelier.
23:58
Matt: Yeah.
23:59
Eric: It's just like pop up behind a cookbook.
24:01
Eric: Elf on a chaise lounge just doesn't have the same ring to it.
24:05
Eric: Elf on a chaise lounge.
24:08
Eric: Elf on the chaise lounge.
24:09
Matt: Elf on the chandelier.
24:11
Matt: Elf in the chandelier.
24:12
Matt: I think it's a rhyme.
24:13
Matt: I think it's really just the rhyme.
24:14
Matt: We're in it for.
24:15
Eric: It's just the rhyme.
24:16
Eric: It's got that elf on a shelf.
24:18
Matt: And it's the lowest common denominator, right?
24:20
Matt: Of like, ooh, where can you hide your house?
24:24
Matt: Everyone's got a shelf.
24:25
Eric: Everybody's got a shelf.
24:26
Matt: You know, even if it's a window sill, you could we're you could get away with calling that a shelf.
24:31
Eric: Yeah.
24:31
Eric: Yeah.
24:32
Eric: Now I'm thinking of like other like Orc on the porch.
24:38
Matt: Well, there have been spin-offs.
24:39
Matt: There's Mensch on the Bench.
24:41
Eric: Mensch on the Bench! Classic.
24:43
Matt: Did you not know about Mensch on the Bench?
24:44
Eric: I didn't know about Mensch on the Bench.
24:46
Eric: That's a real one.
24:46
Eric: That's a real product.
24:48
Eric: I gotta look up Mensch on the bench.
24:50
Eric: Look up Mensch on the bench.
24:51
Eric: Oh, that's fucking phenomenal.
24:53
Eric: Oh, look at him.
24:54
Eric: He's adorable.
24:56
Matt: And we'll we'll put this on the Instagram as well.
24:58
Matt: Mensch on the bench.
24:59
Matt: Along with the Elf.
25:00
Matt: Yeah, so there's there's definitely and that people are really having fun with it.
25:04
Matt: People are just hiding action figures around the house, I think, now and calling it Elf on the Shelf.
25:08
Matt: Because Elf on the Shelf, the like book box that you buy is like$45 or something ridiculous.
25:14
Matt: So I don't, you know, that might have to factor into my bit decision.
25:17
Matt: Maybe I can get a used one.
25:20
Matt: That sounds so shitty.
25:22
Eric: See, we get uh get some Russell Crowe endorsements for Gladiator on a radiator.
25:27
Matt: Gladiators topic.
25:30
Matt: Gladiator on a radiator.
25:31
Matt: Yeah, and because that did become the meme of like two years ago.
25:35
Matt: Oh, you've heard that's right, you've heard about Michelle.
25:38
Matt: Now get ready for whatever.
25:40
Matt: Just something that vaguely rhymes.
25:43
Eric: That's what pisses me off about those, the number of them.
25:46
Eric: I'm like, that was near rhyme at best.
25:49
Matt: Yeah.
25:50
Eric: Even though that's literally what I just did five seconds ago with Gladiator on a radiator.
25:54
Eric: It's a stretch.
25:55
Matt: You had to work radiator into the equation a little bit.
25:59
Matt: Uh at Sarah Feldman also asked us, does the Elf on the Shelf have a 401k or a Roth IRA with Santa?
26:07
Matt: I imagine you retire if you're immortal.
26:10
Eric: I that's that's what I'm getting.
26:13
Eric: I though I do think there has to be some kind of hazard pay.
26:16
Eric: Because, like, what happens to the the elves on shelves when they get their little legs ripped off by the family dog?
26:23
Matt: How many elves don't make it to the union status?
26:26
Matt: You know?
26:26
Matt: Oh, I know.
26:27
Matt: In fact, how many fell?
26:29
Eric: How many fell?
26:31
Eric: Like, all gave some, some gave all.
26:34
Matt: Now, what happens, uh Eric, in the in the circumstance where there's an elf that, for magical reasons unknown, does not disappear at the end of the Christmas season.
26:44
Matt: And in fact, here you are sort of heads out.
26:48
Matt: You're it's the Easter.
26:49
Matt: You're you're going up to get a book off the shelf.
26:52
Matt: You know, look at look at those complete works of the old Billy Shakespeare.
26:55
Matt: You pull it off the shelf, and oh, what's that creeping right behind it in like a really good hiding spot?
27:01
Matt: Like it was so good you didn't notice him for four or five months at this point.
27:07
Matt: And uh, oh, it's the elf on the shelf.
27:09
Matt: What's he still doing there?
27:10
Matt: Because you also part of the lore, as I recall, is you're not allowed to touch him.
27:14
Matt: Oh, right.
27:15
Matt: The kids aren't supposed to touch you.
27:17
Matt: No one no one's supposed to touch him because that takes away his magic.
27:21
Matt: That's part of the lore that I've learned.
27:23
Eric: Well, and they're like butterflies.
27:25
Eric: If you touch them, the uh Santa won't take it back at the nest.
27:28
Matt: Yeah, so then like what happens?
27:30
Matt: He just becomes a roommate.
27:31
Eric: Yeah, like hey, you gotta entertain me.
27:35
Matt: Oh, golly! All right, what are we gonna do now?
27:39
Matt: You put me right here next to the jelly beans from last Easter.
27:43
Matt: Ooh!
27:44
Eric: You still got that gift card.
27:47
Eric: You haven't spent it yet.
27:50
Eric: What?
27:51
Eric: Like, I'm just imagining him next to like a pile of like like like unopened Christmas cards and shit.
27:58
Eric: Like he's been he's just been going through and like his only literature.
28:01
Eric: The only thing to keep him sane is like the Christmas cards you just kind of threw on that shelf and forgot to throw away.
28:08
Matt: See, that would never happen with me.
28:10
Matt: I think we've talked about this.
28:11
Matt: I keep all the cards, I keep every card.
28:13
Matt: I have all they're actually right over there.
28:14
Matt: I have every greeting cards.
28:16
Matt: And before I'm before I came into Lindsay's life, she did what you just suggested, just threw them out.
28:22
Matt: Which is incomprehensible.
28:23
Matt: That's incomprehensible to me, Eric.
28:26
Matt: Some people have taken the time to to take a pen in their hands and and buy a four-dollar card and write a greeting into it and send it to you, and you just throw it away.
28:37
unknown: Yeah.
28:37
Matt: That's disrespectful.
28:39
Eric: That's disrespectful.
28:40
Eric: Do you know what my mom does?
28:41
Eric: What does she do?
28:42
Eric: Uh old Franny Mae, she showed me this last time I was over there.
28:46
Eric: They now have a like a little mailbox.
28:51
Eric: Like it's it's like a foot tall.
28:53
Eric: Little Christmas mailbox.
28:55
Eric: It's like a postal post box.
28:57
Eric: And my mom will open, open her Christmas cards, reading up, uh, and then she'll open the little mailbox, put them in there, and then like at the end of the week, she goes to the little mailbox, it has a bigger slot on the bottom, she opens it up, takes all the cards out, and hangs them up.
29:10
Eric: So they just have she processes them.
29:12
Matt: Yeah.
29:14
Matt: And then at the end, she throws them away.
29:17
Matt: Uh, see, that's what I don't like.
29:19
Matt: And so that I know there's some people who make like a scrapbook of like cutting out the important part.
29:24
Matt: Desecration, I say.
29:25
Matt: I say desecration.
29:27
Matt: Desecration, you say desecration.
29:29
Matt: I have every fucking card from every holiday, every birthday that I've received since since striking out on my own.
29:38
Matt: I got them all.
29:39
Matt: And I don't throw them away.
29:40
Matt: I instead put them in a box never to be seen again.
29:44
Matt: Okay.
29:44
Matt: But I kept them.
29:46
Matt: See, Lindsay doesn't like this is this is the good this is the yin and yang Lindsay and I have in this marriage.
29:51
Matt: Lindsay doesn't like stuff.
29:53
Matt: She doesn't like clutter, you know, and I don't like to get rid of a goddamn thing.
29:58
Matt: Not a single thing.
29:59
Matt: Everything is precious to me.
30:01
Eric: That and that is precious to me.
30:04
Eric: I'm gonna hold that right here in my heart.
30:06
Eric: Uh because because when it's in here, I can just throw away everything else.
30:10
Eric: Like, I don't, it's it's because it's it's in my heart.
30:12
Matt: But you can, Eric, because what if you get dementia and then you don't remember the cards, but not me, not me.
30:19
Matt: When I can't hold two thoughts together, I can open up my box of cards and be like, oh, let me go back to Christmas 2012.
30:28
SPEAKER_04: And then you open one, you're like, oh, here's a delightful card where someone wrote, Love.
30:35
SPEAKER_04: That's it.
30:36
SPEAKER_04: They didn't sign it.
30:37
SPEAKER_04: I don't know who gave it to me, but I remember receiving it.
30:41
Eric: Who in in Susan B.
30:44
Eric: Anthony is Matthew?
30:46
Eric: Why does he get all my Christmas cards?
30:50
Eric: That's when it gets real sad.
30:52
Eric: We we gotta find this Matthew.
30:54
Eric: He sounds like an asshole.
30:56
Eric: Also, apropos of absolutely nothing, I'm sorry, gang, I do just need to bring this up.
31:01
Eric: My roommate Pat has never heard the song Christmas Shoes.
31:05
Eric: And I got to play Christmas shoes for him for the first time.
31:09
Eric: And like 30 seconds in, he's just hitting me with like, he's like, is this fucking real?
31:14
Eric: It's real, baby.
31:15
Eric: Yeah, dog.
31:16
Matt: Yeah, it's real.
31:18
Matt: Yeah.
31:18
Matt: Wait till he hears Dominic the Donkey.
31:20
Matt: Clinkity clingy yaw yaw.
31:27
Matt: Um, so I feel like that's elf.
31:29
Matt: So I think we've handled these, and also we already kind of handled this.
31:32
Matt: At AJ Stiegler also submitted a question is each elf on the shelf a different elf or is it a single elf just everywhere at once?
31:39
Matt: I think it's different.
31:40
Matt: I think it's different elves.
31:41
Matt: I think this is pre-union uh due paying.
31:46
Eric: If it was one elf, that entirely changes the framing of the conversation because at that point he has powers on par with Santa himself.
31:53
Matt: Yeah, Alfred Snowden.
31:55
Matt: Uh Alfred T.
31:56
Matt: He's out there and he's trying to help us.
31:58
Matt: Um he's out there.
32:00
Eric: Blowing the whistle on Christmas.
32:01
Eric: And honestly, God, I like this.
32:03
Eric: This is how you know this that let this thought comfort you.
32:06
Eric: This is how you know conditions in the North Pole are like are pretty solid, probably, because I mean Alfred Snowden would be out here blowing the whistle on unfair or unsafe working conditions.
32:20
Eric: Fuck yay, Will.
32:22
Eric: God bless you.
32:22
Eric: God bless you, Elf.
32:24
Eric: Santa bless you.
32:25
Matt: And that's all we I think we have time for to talk about Elf on the Shelf, because Eric, we got a definitive ranking to get to, baby.
32:32
Matt: That is right, Matthew.
32:33
Eric: We are here on this most auspicious of December's to definitively rank the twelve days of Christmas.
32:44
Matt: Absolutely.
32:45
Matt: Fricking Lutley.
32:46
Matt: It's about time somebody did.
32:48
Matt: Now, I think everybody at this point has been subjected to the song, but uh if you haven't, go listen to it.
32:57
Eric: Yeah, go go go on, give it a give it a give it a spin.
33:00
Matt: I think, Eric, first things first, we need to establish.
33:04
Matt: Here's a question I have.
33:05
Matt: We're gonna rank these because on each of these 12 days, not only do you receive a different gift, but you receive all of the previous gifts from the subsequent days.
33:19
Matt: Yeah.
33:19
Matt: So are we kind of a lot?
33:21
Matt: It's kind of a lot.
33:22
Matt: It's kind of a lot.
33:24
Matt: Are we ranking the day itself encompassing all of the gifts that you're receiving that day?
33:31
Eric: No, no, no, no.
33:32
Matt: Or are we just are we just ranking the new gift?
33:36
Eric: We're we're ranking each gift on its own merit.
33:39
Eric: I think that's the way to do this.
33:41
Eric: That's the way to do it.
33:42
Matt: Otherwise, what's the point?
33:44
Matt: Otherwise, what are we doing here?
33:46
Matt: So I've got them lined up here, Eric.
33:49
Matt: I don't think we need to do much more than jump right in, right?
33:54
Matt: Yeah, we need to set this up anymore.
33:56
Eric: Oh, uh, we do need to know what is our what is our ranking scale here?
34:00
Eric: Uh-huh.
34:00
Eric: What scale are we working from?
34:02
Matt: Of course.
34:03
Matt: Now, last year with the reindeer, when we definitively ranked reindeer, I believe we used hose, right?
34:08
Eric: Uh yes, we used hose.
34:10
Matt: So what can we use for the 12 days of Christmas?
34:13
Eric: Uh, how about for the 12 days of Christmas, we do a scale of one to ten fa's la la la la la's?
34:23
Matt: Um it's okay.
34:24
Eric: You can tell me how smart I am.
34:26
Matt: You're very you're so smart, I don't understand you.
34:29
Matt: Um how about just fa la la's?
34:33
SPEAKER_03: Alright, yeah, okay.
34:34
unknown: Okay.
34:35
Matt: Because otherwise, what are we gonna do?
34:37
Matt: So z one, a zero is a fa and a ten is a la.
34:40
Matt: Is that what you're doing?
34:41
Eric: There's zero fa's out of la la la la la.
34:43
Eric: No, I I do like the fa la la scale.
34:46
Eric: It's it's simple.
34:46
Eric: It maybe loses some of the nuance, but Okay, all right.
34:50
Matt: Fa la la.
34:51
Matt: Great.
34:51
Matt: Let's just agree to disagree, I guess.
34:54
Matt: Oh, yeah.
34:54
Matt: For the sake of uh Christmas.
34:55
Eric: That's very that is very big of you.
34:58
Eric: It's a very it's a very big of me.
35:00
Eric: Yes, yes.
35:01
Matt: Oh, it's big of me.
35:02
Matt: I'm the one being big.
35:03
Eric: Oh, you're the one being big, yeah.
35:04
Matt: It takes a lot of on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
35:10
Matt: And here it comes.
35:12
Matt: A partridge in a pear tree.
35:15
Matt: That's what we're starting off with.
35:17
Matt: A bird in a tree, which implies to me a tree as well.
35:23
Eric: So that's actually where I'm gonna give a little pushback because the phrasing isn't a partridge and a pear tree.
35:32
Eric: It's like, hey, you see that partridge in that pear tree over there?
35:35
Eric: That partridge is yours.
35:37
Eric: In fact, they didn't even give you the partridge like in a cage or any.
35:43
Matt: So you're suggesting that you're given the sort of the same kind of gift as uh uh as being a um uh a landowner of a portion of the moon.
35:54
Matt: Is that what you're saying?
35:55
Eric: Precisely.
35:56
Eric: Or like, yeah, I'm walking through the park, I'm like, hey kid, you see that?
36:00
Eric: You see that that robin?
36:02
Eric: That robin in that elm?
36:04
Eric: Yeah, that's yours.
36:05
Eric: That's all yours.
36:06
Eric: Well, sure, any any bird can be yours if you fucking go get it.
36:11
Matt: I mean, there's a lot in this.
36:13
Matt: We're gonna get into the the the higher numbers.
36:16
Matt: If you're given all of these on subsequent days, that's a fucking lot of gifts every day.
36:22
Matt: Uh what I would say about the partridge in the pear tree is you the semantics are important, I think.
36:28
Matt: I think you've pointed out a very good good point.
36:31
Matt: The you don't have the physical bird in your possession.
36:35
Eric: You have given me the responsibility of catching and taming a partridge that is already at a significant advantage being in a tree outside.
36:48
Matt: I I agree, and that is, I have to say, a shitty gift.
36:53
Eric: That is that is the I'm gonna be like I think partridge and pear tea pear tree is trash tier gift.
37:01
Matt: Level I'm like I'm gonna get pushback and I'm gonna seem like a bad person, but I really don't care.
37:08
Matt: This is this is a the level of gift of a donation has been made in your name.
37:14
Matt: Yes.
37:15
Eric: Yes.
37:16
Matt: This is the level of gift.
37:19
Matt: Um, I'm gonna give it with that in mind, Eric.
37:22
Matt: Yeah, to give it some credit, the idea of it potentially going out and capturing these eventual 12 partridges and in or not, just knowing that you have friends out there in pear trees, that that can be kind of fun.
37:38
Matt: So I'll give it I'll that gives me a couple follow laws.
37:42
Matt: That gets it a couple followers.
37:43
Matt: I was thinking like a follow-up.
37:44
Matt: I'm gonna say two.
37:45
Matt: Two?
37:45
Matt: I'd go with two.
37:47
Matt: You I said two, you said three, we could go two and a half.
37:49
Matt: What do you think?
37:50
Matt: Let's go with two.
37:51
Matt: Go with two, two follow-laws.
37:53
Matt: Maybe I'll get a pear out of it.
37:55
Matt: And speaking of two, check out these uh two turtle doves I got for you.
38:00
Eric: Two turtle doves.
38:02
Matt: Two turtle doves.
38:04
Eric: So I will say, you know, I feel like a partridge, relatively speaking, very, very sounds like a common bird.
38:11
Eric: Two turtle doves, though, two of them, specifically a pear, so they come as a set.
38:16
Matt: Now, this is not saying in a pear tree.
38:18
Matt: This is saying two turtle doves.
38:21
Matt: That implies to me that you are receiving two birds.
38:23
Eric: You are getting these.
38:24
Eric: That that is yes, semantically for me, you're you're like, oh, cool.
38:29
Eric: I get two turtle doves.
38:31
Matt: And like very well established, I think.
38:35
Matt: Don't give pets as gifts.
38:37
Matt: No, because you're giving responsibility, and like these pets in particular are gonna smell.
38:43
Matt: Oh, they're gonna smell.
38:44
Eric: Do you know how to care for turtle doves?
38:46
Eric: Matt, off the top of your head, what the fuck do turtle doves eat?
38:49
Eric: Just guess.
38:51
Matt: Seed.
38:52
Eric: Okay.
38:53
Matt: Now, what kind of seed?
38:54
Matt: I don't know.
38:55
Eric: I don't know.
38:56
Eric: Do turtle bird doves eat.
39:00
Eric: Uh compared to other songbirds, their diet is a bit bland.
39:04
Eric: Uh they eat they eat seeds.
39:06
Eric: They eat canola, millet, canola, safflower.
39:10
Eric: You gotta feed these fuckers cannoli?
39:13
Eric: Cannola.
39:14
SPEAKER_02: Cannoli, so I'm a total dove.
39:18
SPEAKER_02: Bring me the cannoli, Oliamarco.
39:21
SPEAKER_02: Are you a couple of birds in love?
39:26
SPEAKER_02: You come to me on the second day of Christmas asking me for a favor to adopt this family.
39:33
SPEAKER_02: Leave the poop.
39:34
SPEAKER_02: Take the cannoli.
39:37
SPEAKER_02: Actually, leave me the cannoli.
39:39
SPEAKER_02: It is my chief form of nourishment.
39:41
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
39:42
SPEAKER_01: Hoot.
39:43
SPEAKER_01: Hoot, hoot, and and furthermore.
39:45
SPEAKER_01: I forgot I'm a little songbird for you, huh?
39:47
SPEAKER_01: Don't mind me Tweedledee.
39:49
SPEAKER_01: Tweedledee, Tweedledum, eh?
39:55
Eric: Okay, so turtle uh I'm I'm I'm actually vibing.
39:59
Eric: I'm I'm vibing with these turtle doves.
40:01
Eric: Uh yeah, turtle doves, that's a that's a good gift.
40:03
Eric: Again, gift of responsibility.
40:05
Eric: That's gonna that's gonna take away from it a bit.
40:07
Eric: I'm also realizing very quickly how many not only pet but avian slash gifts are involved.
40:13
Matt: There's a lot coming up, there's a lot coming down the pike immediately next, actually.
40:18
Eric: So yeah, I was gonna say turtle doves feel, you know, symbolically, baller.
40:23
Eric: The symbolism of the gift, amazing.
40:25
Eric: Partridge in a pear tree.
40:26
Eric: I don't know what kind of message that's supposed to be sending to me, but two turtle doves.
40:30
Eric: What is that?
40:31
Eric: What but what the fuck is that?
40:32
Matt: So but I will say at least you have it.
40:34
Matt: Like it's not it's a it's an actual gift as opposed to the wringle them.
40:40
Matt: Yeah, or imagine suspend my disbelief that that bird and that tree over there is mine.
40:47
Matt: And also, like the bird doesn't know that.
40:49
Eric: The bird doesn't know that.
40:50
Eric: And and honest to God though, they give you these turtle doves.
40:54
Eric: My thinking is like, even if you're like, I don't want these turtle doves, then you get the gift of like later on, once your friend has left, you can just like walk outside and get the experience of oh honey, I'm sorry, I'm just gonna go release the doves.
41:07
Eric: And then you're just gonna release the doves.
41:08
Eric: You get the gift of giving these two birds their freedom, and then they kind of owe you.
41:13
Eric: Yeah, they definitely owe you.
41:15
Eric: And I don't know what kind of favors you can pull with a turtle dove, but they're they're not insignificant.
41:21
Matt: So what are we feeling, Eric?
41:23
Matt: I would, I would honestly be above a two because I think you have them.
41:28
Matt: This is feeling very five to me.
41:30
Matt: Five there's pros and cons.
41:33
Matt: The symbolism, nice, nice, the characters we just built for them.
41:37
Matt: I like quite a bit.
41:38
Matt: Pretty dope.
41:39
Eric: Mafia.
41:40
Matt: I like the idea of these two birds sitting and be like, oh, oh, they bring those golden rings right over here.
41:46
Matt: Let me take a look.
41:47
Eric: Yeah.
41:47
Matt: Um, so I think five.
41:49
Matt: I'm good with five.
41:51
Matt: I think five.
41:52
Matt: I think five, right?
41:52
Matt: Gif can be whatever you make.
41:53
Eric: You can be like, all right, I'm gonna learn how to take care of birds now.
41:56
Eric: Or you can be like, all right, I'm gonna free these birds and these, these, these, these mafia doves, these dove corleones owe me.
42:04
Matt: These dove corleones are gonna owe you a favor.
42:08
Matt: Uh, because you did them a favor, indeed.
42:12
Matt: Uh all uh, you know, the flock of them you're gonna have by the end of this.
42:17
Matt: Now just that is your understanding, right?
42:19
Matt: Because on the last day of Chris Christmas, it is an and on the 12th day of Christmas, McThrulaf gave to me and a partridge in a pair tree.
42:29
Matt: That implies to me each of these gifts duplicate every day.
42:32
Eric: Yeah, so you're getting 24 turtle doves.
42:35
Matt: Right.
42:35
Matt: You will have well, no, you're getting 22 turtle doves, right?
42:39
Eric: 22 turtle doves, right, because you don't get them to the second day, thank you.
42:42
Matt: You don't get them to the second day.
42:43
Matt: You will have 12 partridges at the end of this.
42:45
Eric: You'll have 12 partges, 22 turtle doves.
42:48
Eric: You'll be you'll have your own bird mafia.
42:51
Matt: Excuse me, you will have the deed to 12 imaginary birds.
42:55
Matt: Yes.
42:56
Matt: At the end of at the end of this.
42:58
Matt: Okay, so that brings us to three French hens.
43:02
Matt: Um chickens, very uh it's all the rage now.
43:08
Matt: These the pandemic chicken.
43:10
Eric: Uh, yeah, like, and like if you look them up, they're beautiful chickens.
43:15
Eric: Like they're gorgeous birds.
43:17
Matt: Yeah, I can throw a picture up in case you don't know what these things look like.
43:21
Matt: I can just throw them all up.
43:22
Eric: You get you get chickens, you get three of them, which is kind of ideal because chickens do not do well solitary.
43:28
Eric: They need at least one or two other chickens, like hanging out with them.
43:32
Eric: Like, they give you the perfect set.
43:33
Eric: This is a very so if you're gonna gift someone a bird, French hens is coming in at the most like thought to gift ratio.
43:41
Eric: They're like, I'm gonna give you some chickens, I'm gonna make sure I give you the correct amount of them, I'm gonna make sure they all have friends to hang out with.
43:47
Eric: Uh, it's a very practical gift.
43:50
Eric: Like, you got eggs.
43:52
Eric: You got eggs.
43:53
Matt: And by again, by the end of this, you're gonna have so many.
43:56
Matt: You're gonna have so many.
43:58
Matt: You will have a bit of a
44:00
Eric: Farm going is the thing.
44:01
Eric: Yeah, you're the and the farm will of course be the front for your bird mafia.
44:06
Matt: Yeah, you're gonna have a lot going on.
44:09
Matt: You're gonna need probably all if you don't if you live in an apartment in New York City and your true love is giving you these things, congratulations, you're moving upstate to a farm.
44:18
Matt: Because you're gonna need the real estate for these gifts.
44:23
Eric: Yeah, and like I feel like the French hens would be like the enforcers.
44:27
Eric: Like they'd be like, they'd be like your muscle in terms of like keeping the other birds in line.
44:32
Matt: We all know you don't fuck with chickens.
44:34
Eric: You don't fuck with chickens.
44:35
Matt: Anyone who's played with Zelda knows you do not fuck with chickens.
44:39
Eric: So I'm getting it.
44:41
Eric: French hens, I'm I'm feeling real good about.
44:43
Matt: Yeah, I mean, there is a big responsibility in taking care of them and and getting the eggs and all that shit.
44:49
Matt: So, but I mean it's it is truly a gift that keeps on giving.
44:54
Matt: So I would say for that, it's at least north of a five.
44:58
Matt: North of a five.
44:59
Matt: I would say a seven or an eight.
45:01
Matt: I was also feeling seven.
45:03
Matt: You want to say seven?
45:04
Eric: Yeah, let's go with seven.
45:05
Matt: Okay.
45:06
Matt: Now, again, keeping the theme of a feathered friends going.
45:12
Matt: Up next, we have four calling birds.
45:16
Eric: So these are your messengers.
45:18
Eric: These are your these are like you're you're you're getting you need lines of communication.
45:24
Eric: These are the ones they they're your eyes and ears.
45:26
Eric: Um, four calling birds, and that's like if four, like with one calling bird, it's a novelty, right?
45:33
Eric: Sure.
45:34
Eric: Four?
45:35
Eric: Yeah.
45:36
Eric: They're a unit.
45:37
Eric: They're like uh they can go out on missions.
45:41
Matt: Are they not gonna be annoying though?
45:43
Matt: Doesn't the calling imply they're always squawking about?
45:46
Eric: That is the thing.
45:47
Eric: Like that's that's the downside, is you need to put the calling birds to work.
45:52
Eric: Yeah, or they're gonna work you.
45:54
Eric: They're gonna work you.
45:55
Eric: And who's who's the fucking who's who's the Don of the birds here?
45:58
Eric: Who's who's fucking big big mafia bird daddy?
46:02
Eric: It's supposed to be you.
46:04
Eric: Supposed to be you, not fucking calling birds.
46:06
Eric: But but again, you didn't ask for this life.
46:08
Matt: No, no, no.
46:09
Matt: And truly, this person did not ask for these gifts.
46:13
Matt: No, guys.
46:15
Matt: It's so many goddamn things.
46:17
Matt: So what I'd say to this is maybe how how do we feel about it in relation to the turtle doves?
46:28
Eric: In relation to the turtle doves, I would say I would put the calling birds just like a step or two behind the turtle doves.
46:36
Eric: Because the turtle doves are gonna make up like they're they're they're like the hearts and minds of your bird army.
46:42
Eric: The calling birds, I feel like they kind of stand apart.
46:46
Eric: They're on the fringe, they're on the fringe, they're like slinking around back there, whispering messages to each other.
46:53
Matt: Do we feel better because that we're talking it feels better than a partridge in a pear tree?
46:59
Matt: Maybe a 3.5.
47:01
Eric: I'm I'm thinking a 3.5.
47:03
Matt: A 3.5 fala's for the four calling birds, which of course brings us to five golden rings.
47:16
Eric: Also, just uh it is five golden rings.
47:20
Eric: Anyone who hits you with that, like five gold rings.
47:24
Eric: No.
47:25
Eric: Fuck that.
47:26
Eric: It is five golden rings.
47:29
Matt: Golden rings.
47:30
Matt: Golden rings.
47:32
Matt: Eh, golden rings.
47:34
Matt: I don't know why this is the bit of the episode.
47:36
Eric: This is this is the through line.
47:38
Matt: Alfred Snowden and this guy.
47:40
Eric: I mean, this is like this is objectively top tier.
47:44
Eric: Like this financially, this is the gift.
47:48
Eric: This is gonna be what bank rolls all the other shit you're gonna have to do.
47:53
Matt: Yes, you're gonna pawn these rings in order to buy all the seed you need to because guess what?
48:01
Matt: We're getting right back to birds in just a minute.
48:05
Matt: So I think the rings have got to be up there.
48:10
Eric: Yeah, you're you're getting like they could be magic.
48:14
Eric: We don't know, one for each fucking finger.
48:17
Eric: Like it duh.
48:18
Eric: Like it is, and that's what that's how you mark yourself.
48:21
Eric: Like the gold rings are also gonna be what gives you the status necessary to command your bird mafia.
48:28
Eric: You're gonna have rings all over those fingers, people are gonna be kissing them left and right.
48:31
Eric: Um I I mean, like, I would I'm not seeing any flaw.
48:37
Eric: I'm not seeing any downside to this gift.
48:39
Eric: Like, I think this is an easy 10 for me.
48:42
Matt: I can get behind it because like valuable, it's compact, they're golden rings, they could be magic.
48:48
Matt: We don't you won't know until you get them, but at the very least, you can sell them for some real fucking money.
48:54
Eric: Yeah, you can give them as gifts to your little bird lieutenants.
48:58
Matt: 10 fala la la la's, baby.
49:00
Matt: Yeah, all right.
49:02
Matt: So six geese laying, so pregnant geese.
49:07
Matt: Pregnant geese, gravid geese, implying that you're about to get more geese.
49:13
Matt: About to get a whole lot of goose eggs and like a farm, you need a farm with like a little pond at the very least.
49:22
Eric: And and I kind of take it back.
49:23
Eric: I don't think the French hens are the muscle.
49:25
Eric: I forgot the geese were on the table.
49:28
Eric: The geese, the geese are violent animals.
49:31
Matt: Let's just call a geese a goose.
49:33
Matt: Oh, so the goose don't fuck around.
49:35
Eric: Goose don't fuck around.
49:36
Eric: So actually, I can stick with it.
49:36
Eric: Yeah, the hens can be the enforcers, they're the one that keeps the other birds in line.
49:40
Eric: The geese are your wild cards.
49:42
Eric: The geese are the ones like on the heist out of nowhere.
49:46
Eric: They just start blasting, and you're like, Freddie, what are you doing?
49:49
Eric: Like, honk.
49:52
Eric: And like, yeah, yeah, honk, honk.
49:55
Eric: Geese are psychopaths.
49:57
Matt: Yeah, on the it I don't know why we're putting these gifts now doing a heist necessarily, but the geese would be the person who just starts shooting hostages just because they want to.
50:09
Matt: Yeah, and and I'm just and everybody else, the hens are back here going like this isn't the plan, Louie.
50:15
Eric: I I'm I'm just doing some research.
50:18
Eric: A goose will lay on average, like well, so it says like two to ten eggs, so let's just call it an even five.
50:26
Eric: So, like each one of those six geese is laying about five eggs.
50:32
Eric: That's just gonna be more geese.
50:34
Eric: Like so many geese.
50:35
Eric: I'm not and you already got a lot of birds.
50:38
Eric: I'm not a mathematician.
50:40
Eric: You're about to have an untenable amount of geese.
50:43
Matt: No, I mean an unsustainable amount of geese.
50:47
Matt: And that's why you gotta live on a farm in upstate New York because like people are gonna write horror stories about you.
50:53
Matt: You know, you're gonna be the house with all the birds.
50:57
Eric: Yeah, you're gonna be, and they're gonna call you the goose guy, because you're very soon gonna have far more geese than any other bird.
51:03
Eric: Like the geese might actually kind of hurt your reputation a bit.
51:06
Matt: You've got chick, but assuming the I assume the geese still gotta migrate and everything.
51:11
Matt: So people are gonna see these geese coming and going year after year after year, to and fro the goose, the the bird farm that you got going.
51:21
Matt: So, okay, so and that's true.
51:24
Matt: A gift that leaves and returns.
51:27
Matt: That's an interesting property.
51:28
Eric: Gift that leaves and returns and just keeps laying gifts.
51:32
Eric: I don't know.
51:33
Eric: I I feel kind of low on this.
51:35
Eric: I feel kind of low on this.
51:36
Eric: I feel it's not it's not garbage partridge in a pear tree tier.
51:40
Eric: I would we we gave partridge in a pear tree what a two?
51:43
Eric: Two.
51:44
Eric: I'd give geese a three.
51:46
Eric: A solid three.
51:47
Matt: Yeah, that's probably just below the calling birds.
51:50
Eric: Yeah.
51:51
Eric: At least the calling birds, like there's only four of them.
51:54
Eric: There's a fixed number.
51:55
Eric: The geese, the geese are gonna get exponential, and that is just upsetting me, just thinking.
52:00
Matt: I'm good with that because up next we do have seven swans swimming.
52:08
Eric: Now this I can get behind.
52:09
Eric: The swans, they're not gonna fuck with anything.
52:12
Eric: They're just here to swim.
52:13
Eric: They're they're they're like the they're the eye candy.
52:18
Eric: They're the ones when you when you come into the when you come into our our our front and like you see like the very like us in our covered in gold rings, uh, with hens guarding us on either side.
52:31
Eric: You're gonna have the you're gonna have the swans just kind of like, oh hey, oh hey, toots.
52:37
Eric: They call people toots.
52:39
Eric: That's what our swans do.
52:40
Matt: Oh, they do.
52:41
Matt: Okay, so they're a little derogatory.
52:43
Matt: Um derogatory.
52:45
Eric: There's a little flirty, a little flirty swans.
52:50
Matt: All right, but they're not actually doing anything the way the s the hens are.
52:54
Matt: No.
52:55
Matt: That points me to the six territory.
52:57
Eric: Yeah, I would I would give that a six.
53:00
Eric: They're they're they're they're serving a function, which is you know, they give us an air of of legitimacy.
53:06
Eric: They're like, oh, look at these, look at these motherfuckers like swans.
53:11
Eric: Okay.
53:12
Eric: Okay.
53:13
Eric: All right.
53:14
Eric: Now, where'd they get those?
53:16
Matt: Eric, speaking of now, where'd they get those?
53:19
Matt: Yeah.
53:20
Matt: Up next, we have a controversial one.
53:24
Matt: Eight maids of milking.
53:27
Eric: Now it's uh who boy.
53:30
Eric: A lot to unpack here.
53:31
Eric: Lot to unpack here.
53:33
Eric: Um lot of who, what, where, and whys.
53:37
Matt: Yes, like who knew what when why.
53:40
Matt: Um what do you do when somebody has gifted you human?
53:47
Matt: Because because more are coming.
53:50
Eric: Oh yeah.
53:51
Matt: They're they're uh but but first the maids imply employees.
53:57
Eric: Employees.
53:58
Eric: Also, uh, you might note that nowhere on the on the on the 12 days of Christmas, uh at no point are they like five dairy cows?
54:08
Eric: We're not getting any cows in this.
54:10
Eric: It's true.
54:11
Eric: So who's getting milked?
54:14
Matt: So that's the question.
54:16
Matt: Are these all pregnant mates?
54:20
Matt: Oh god.
54:23
Matt: Or is the very definite or the very verbiage of maids and milk, and does that imply they're coming with cows or goats?
54:31
Eric: Maybe they're providing, maybe they're coming, they they provide their own cows.
54:34
Eric: Now you got cattle, you gotta want.
54:36
Eric: Now you got cattle.
54:38
Eric: Now you got cattle.
54:39
Matt: You have to have a whole ranch by the time you're gonna need you're done with your true love.
54:44
Eric: Your true love's trying to bankrupt you.
54:46
Eric: Your true love is is trying to to launder a lot of money through Christmas gifts.
54:53
Matt: He's got yeah, he had a lot of stuff to get rid of.
54:57
Matt: He had to move that cash.
54:58
Matt: And so he's giving you all these employees, which you're not gonna have to pay.
55:03
Matt: So and and house, uh presumably.
55:06
Matt: Yep.
55:07
Matt: So what do we what do we think?
55:09
Matt: What do we say?
55:11
Matt: I mean Can you put a price on maids of milk in?
55:15
Matt: I we shouldn't.
55:20
Matt: We shouldn't, but we're gone.
55:21
Matt: Also, don't human traffic for Christmas.
55:25
Eric: Yeah, don't human traffic for Christmas.
55:27
Eric: I feel like that one's fairly standard.
55:31
Matt: Yeah, it's frowned upon in most religions and communities.
55:34
Eric: I feel like that one's a pretty, pretty, that's a that's a yeah.
55:40
Matt: So I don't know.
55:41
Matt: I'm struggling with it because like you could there they are human, so you could have friends, you could you could be friendly with them.
55:48
Eric: Let's let's take it in the context of they have been contracted to milk dairy cows, which they will provide.
55:56
Eric: Okay.
55:56
Matt: Uh I think that's the safest option for us to go with.
56:00
Eric: And this helps establish the front.
56:02
Eric: Um so so I would say, you know.
56:05
Matt: Uh I mean Well, if they're gonna help, if they're gonna uh the you could presumably put them to work beyond the milking.
56:14
Eric: They are maids, but but I think d dairy dairy maids.
56:18
Eric: They they could possibly make some cheeses, artisanal goods.
56:22
Eric: Hmm.
56:23
Eric: You know what?
56:24
Eric: That alone, that possibility alone.
56:27
Eric: Fact they can bring me cheese.
56:28
Eric: That's an eight.
56:29
Eric: That's an eight.
56:30
Eric: That's an eight in my book.
56:32
Eric: Is that the first one that's uh Seven Swans of Seven, eight maids of milk, and they got an eight.
56:37
Eric: I think that's the first.
56:39
Eric: Oh, you're right.
56:40
Matt: Eight and eight.
56:41
Matt: That's an eight and eight.
56:42
Matt: That's the first to correspond to its number.
56:45
Matt: Now, how do we feel about nine ladies dancing?
56:50
Eric: So ladies, eight ladies, and here she comes up to the stage, give it up for Holly.
57:04
Matt: Um why was your why was your I'm presuming a strip club announcer?
57:12
Matt: Oh, yeah.
57:12
Matt: Why was he why was he a nineteen fifties bandstand host?
57:23
Matt: Oh man.
57:24
Matt: So this is strippers, right?
57:28
Matt: I don't know.
57:29
Matt: I don't think so.
57:30
Matt: I did not take it to mean that.
57:33
Matt: Nine nine ladies dancing.
57:34
Matt: These could be ballroom dancers, these could be it could be specified just ladies dancing.
57:42
Matt: They aren't just specified ladies dancing.
57:46
Matt: These could indeed be girls going wild.
57:50
Eric: And which, again, this is getting to be an expensive Christmas because if someone like if someone gifted me nine exotic dancers, yes, it's not like I'm not gonna tip them, right?
58:04
Eric: Like the protocol.
58:06
Eric: They they they fucking slugged all the way out here.
58:11
Eric: They're working.
58:12
Eric: And first of all, I'm just gonna be like, hey, this is super weird.
58:17
Eric: Like, I I on the top 10 list of gifts that would make me uncomfortable.
58:21
Eric: Someone's like, I have hired this this person or group of people, they're gonna come and they're going to dance with their bits just for you.
58:28
Eric: It's not the like the dancing with bits, that's fine.
58:31
Eric: That doesn't bother me at all.
58:33
Eric: It's it's the knowing it's like it's the same energy for me, Matt.
58:37
Eric: Was like I start sweating like cold bullets um when I'm like in a restaurant and I see all of the fucking waiters and stuff making their way towards me.
58:46
Eric: I'm like, oh god, they're about to sing happy birthday.
58:48
Matt: They're about to sing.
58:49
Eric: I'm like, they're they don't want to do this.
58:51
Eric: I don't want them to do this.
58:52
Eric: I don't want all the I don't want to be perceived.
58:54
Eric: I don't wanna, I don't wanna so like they could just come hang out.
58:58
Eric: Like, I'd pay them.
59:00
Eric: Like it like like obviously, but like I'd be like, Y'all wanna, I don't know, you wanna do some yoga or something?
59:08
Eric: Yeah, just want to chill and like make like eat this artisanal cheese?
59:13
Eric: You wanna kick it?
59:14
Eric: It's Christmas!
59:15
Matt: It's Christmas, so yeah, I don't know.
59:18
Matt: I'm struggling with this one.
59:20
Eric: I ooh, maybe they could teach me how to dance?
59:23
Eric: If okay, so in the context of like if I wanted to learn how to pole dance, uh-huh, that's a pretty baller gift.
59:30
Eric: Because it's not like I'd ever go do it of my own volition, but like if if someone's offered, like if they're there and I'm like, hey, look, I don't want to make this weird, but you want to teach me how to you wanna teach me how to ride the pole?
59:41
Eric: Uh pretty gift.
59:43
Matt: Yeah, but then you gotta pay uh presumably pay them for that too.
59:47
Matt: Oh, yeah, it'll pay them nicely.
59:48
Matt: I mean, they're sharing their skills.
59:50
Matt: So and like those golden rings are only going so far.
59:54
Matt: So you're gonna I mean you're gonna have to sell some of these other products, the milk and the cheese and such.
59:59
Eric: So let's we'll wrangle a uh uh we'll wrangle an economy that breaks about even out of these gifts.
1:00:05
Matt: I guess so.
1:00:06
Matt: So the ladies dancing around the property.
1:00:10
Matt: What do we give them?
1:00:11
Eric: I'd give that, I'd give that like a so like they're they're either gonna be dancing around the property or they're just gonna be hanging out with me, eating cheese, teaching me how to pole dance.
1:00:19
Eric: I'd say that's a solid seven.
1:00:21
Matt: All right.
1:00:22
Matt: I was gonna say six and a half, so I'll give you seven.
1:00:24
Matt: I'm good with seven there.
1:00:26
Matt: And that brings us to oh boy, ten lords a leaping.
1:00:31
Matt: I have questions.
1:00:33
Matt: I have a lot of questions.
1:00:35
Matt: Of what and over what?
1:00:37
Matt: Who are these lords?
1:00:38
Matt: Are they giving us land are do we get land associated with these lords?
1:00:44
Matt: Uh yeah, because like are we becoming a governing body of something?
1:00:48
Matt: Leaping.
1:00:49
Matt: Like what?
1:00:51
Matt: They're just conclusions?
1:00:52
Matt: Like, what are we what are we talking about?
1:00:55
Matt: Like, or are they are we just getting a group of men prancing about the establishment?
1:01:01
Matt: Playing leapfrog in my front yard.
1:01:03
Matt: Because again, this is 10, 11, 12.
1:01:06
Matt: That's 30 Lords of Leaping.
1:01:09
Matt: You're gonna have at the end of this.
1:01:10
Matt: Damn.
1:01:11
Matt: Just jumping around the place.
1:01:13
Matt: And they're gonna bring their retinue.
1:01:15
Eric: They're gonna bring they've got two.
1:01:18
Eric: They're lords.
1:01:19
Eric: They're gonna bring their banner men, they're gonna bring their valets, they're gonna bring their page boys.
1:01:25
Eric: Absolutely, they're squires.
1:01:28
Eric: Oh, God.
1:01:28
Eric: They're all gonna have that dumb little haircut that all the dumb little squires have.
1:01:32
Matt: Forget the farm, forget the ranch.
1:01:34
Matt: You're gonna need a county by the end of the run.
1:01:36
SPEAKER_03: You're gonna need a county, you're gonna need a fife.
1:01:39
Matt: You're gonna need a congressional representative by the end of this thing.
1:01:44
Matt: Yeah, dog.
1:01:45
Matt: You're gonna you're gonna be the elector of domain.
1:01:50
Matt: So, like uh this is we're really building a population, and look who we're building it with.
1:01:57
Matt: 30 people just jumping around.
1:01:59
Eric: What are they contributing?
1:02:00
Eric: Nothing.
1:02:01
Eric: This is the one where I'm like, this gift objectively, I'm like, I what the fuck am I supposed to be getting out of this?
1:02:08
Eric: This sucks.
1:02:09
Eric: This sucks, this blows.
1:02:11
Matt: You're getting 30 dudes just who just doing nothing productive.
1:02:17
Matt: They're not providing, they're not milking anything, they're not stripping for you, they're just jumping around.
1:02:24
Eric: Oh, look what I can do.
1:02:25
Eric: I can jump and I can go pee-pee all my own.
1:02:28
Eric: I'm like, I don't care.
1:02:30
Matt: I don't care.
1:02:31
Matt: And for some reason, I am picturing the berries and cream guy for all of these for all of these leaping lords.
1:02:40
Matt: Sufferable.
1:02:41
Matt: I do we get a one?
1:02:43
Matt: I think we get a one out of this.
1:02:47
Matt: I'm already anxious thinking about these men.
1:02:51
Matt: Already exhausted by these men.
1:02:54
Matt: And that's to say nothing of the uh 11 pipers piping.
1:03:01
Eric: Obscene.
1:03:03
Eric: Obscene, uh uh like what kind of pipes I assume we're talking about a musical instrument.
1:03:13
Eric: Yeah, no, that's what I mean.
1:03:14
Eric: I'm like, I'm like, I'm trying to think of any option here that doesn't fucking suck.
1:03:19
Eric: Because the other option pipes flutes.
1:03:22
Matt: Oh, well, because okay, flutes, any any kind of woodwind, and they all fall into the pipe family, I guess.
1:03:30
Matt: But here's but they could be organists.
1:03:33
Matt: Or God, and there's 11 of them.
1:03:36
Matt: In my book, even worse, these could be people out here just smoking pipes, in which case your whole house is and states just gonna reek of tobacco.
1:03:50
Eric: Not to mention how much darker that could have gotten.
1:03:54
Matt: So much darker.
1:03:55
Matt: So, like, yes, absolutely.
1:03:57
Matt: I chose tobacco.
1:03:59
Eric: Well, now, Matthew, what if?
1:04:02
Eric: Because we are now understandably, infrastructure is gonna be critical at this point.
1:04:09
Eric: Uh-huh.
1:04:09
Eric: What if they're plumbers?
1:04:11
Eric: Oh, you think they're what if they're out here laying pipe.
1:04:14
Eric: Laying pipe.
1:04:15
Eric: Laying pipe.
1:04:16
SPEAKER_03: Come on.
1:04:17
SPEAKER_03: Come on, somebody and get it.
1:04:19
SPEAKER_03: Somebody's gotta somebody's gonna entertain these dancing ladies in my right age.
1:04:22
Eric: Oh, yeah.
1:04:23
Eric: No, but even if they're they're plumbing, they're just gonna be sitting there catcalling, the ladies dancing.
1:04:27
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I can lay some pipe for you.
1:04:30
SPEAKER_03: Oh, the regular.
1:04:34
Eric: I hate it.
1:04:35
Eric: I smell them.
1:04:36
Eric: I can smell them.
1:04:37
Matt: You can smell them.
1:04:39
Matt: So wait, aren't now we're going with construction workers laying pipe?
1:04:43
Matt: They're piping.
1:04:45
Eric: Uh, I mean, it's just a possibility.
1:04:47
Eric: Maybe it's a mix.
1:04:49
Matt: Maybe you've got all these types of every single one of them's a different pipe, different type of pipe.
1:04:54
Matt: You got a plumber, you got a bagpipe player.
1:04:58
Matt: Mario is there.
1:04:59
Matt: Mario is there.
1:05:03
Matt: And even better, slash worse, Wallau.
1:05:06
Matt: Uh Halloween.
1:05:09
SPEAKER_03: God, I love Waluigi.
1:05:11
Matt: Uh he is there, possibly dump doubling as a lord a leapin.
1:05:16
Eric: Just there's like a sort of there, there's a sort of like the more you talk, the lower my score went.
1:05:25
Eric: But then it shot right back up again.
1:05:27
Matt: So now you gotta try to keep track of these different occupations.
1:05:31
Matt: At least everybody else was the same.
1:05:33
Matt: Yeah.
1:05:34
Matt: To which I'd have to say, uh the none of this sounds good to me.
1:05:39
Eric: No, no, I'd also put pipe, uh, just because the logistics of them is the most annoying, not even like the most untenable, just the mo just the mo like, what the fuck do I even do with you?
1:05:53
Eric: What is your purpose here?
1:05:55
Eric: I don't know when to bust this out.
1:05:57
Eric: I'll I give it like a two.
1:06:00
Matt: I'm good with it too.
1:06:01
Matt: I think it's slightly better than the Lord's Leaping, because you you know, a plumber can actually fix stuff.
1:06:08
Matt: If you're in the mood for some music, you got them there.
1:06:11
Matt: Oh, but what's this?
1:06:13
Eric: What's this marching down the lane?
1:06:17
Eric: Just when we got some peace and fucking quiet, the elf on the shelf starts like jumping on the shelf and like shaking like Jurassic Park.
1:06:25
Eric: Twelve.
1:06:26
Matt: Count 'em.
1:06:28
Matt: Twelve drummers drumming.
1:06:32
Matt: A whole drumline is coming into this place.
1:06:35
Eric: Now I will say, a good drumline can't be beat.
1:06:41
Eric: A good drumline?
1:06:42
Eric: I'm like, ugh.
1:06:44
Matt: But we don't know that they're a good drumline.
1:06:46
Matt: We don't know that.
1:06:47
Matt: We don't even know that they are a drumline.
1:06:50
Matt: These could be 12 unassociated drummers.
1:06:53
Eric: Well, that is true, but I'll give you this.
1:06:56
Eric: It's the 12th day of Christmas, right?
1:06:58
Eric: So we're receiving these ones on Christmas.
1:07:01
Eric: Yes.
1:07:02
Eric: So if they're drummers willing to work Christmas, they're probably coming correct.
1:07:09
Eric: That's like some Macy's Day tier drumline, I would say.
1:07:13
Matt: I'd say you're probably right.
1:07:16
Matt: Okay, I would say.
1:07:19
Matt: With that in mind, I was prepared to give this low, potentially even a zero, just from the noise factor.
1:07:24
Eric: But I got faith in the drummers.
1:07:27
Matt: But the noise factor's not going away.
1:07:29
Matt: They're gonna be drumming when you don't want them to be.
1:07:31
Eric: Yeah.
1:07:32
Matt: So for that reason, I don't think I can go above a four.
1:07:40
Eric: What do you think?
1:07:41
Eric: Yeah, it's it's like they would be so fucking clutch when you needed them.
1:07:45
Eric: When you needed them at all the other times when you decidedly don't drama line, when you're trying to eat, when you're trying to read a book, when you're trying to feed your fucking hens.
1:07:58
Eric: But I will also say, Matt, they're also the ones that like aside from the partridge, they they match the partridge in terms of least amount of them you will have.
1:08:11
Matt: Absolutely.
1:08:12
Matt: That's that's true in the sense that you'll have You only get 12 of them.
1:08:18
Matt: Except you will have 12 of them as opposed to the 12 imaginary partridges.
1:08:23
Matt: Yeah, yeah.
1:08:25
Matt: The part the imaginary partridge family.
1:08:27
Eric: Ooh, maybe we could bump them.
1:08:29
Eric: Okay, how about this?
1:08:30
Eric: I'm uh it could be like a 4.5, but let me bump you with this.
1:08:32
Eric: We pay the drummers, 12 drummers, right?
1:08:35
Eric: Pay them to go wrangle the partridges.
1:08:37
Eric: Mmm.
1:08:38
Eric: Boy, a partridge per drummer.
1:08:40
SPEAKER_03: Quit your drumming, go catch a partridge.
1:08:42
SPEAKER_02: Hey, bring me that part.
1:08:44
SPEAKER_02: And a pear.
1:08:48
SPEAKER_02: Get one for yourself.
1:08:49
SPEAKER_02: You deserve it.
1:08:50
SPEAKER_02: Hey, you pick up one of them pairs for yourself.
1:08:52
SPEAKER_02: You've been worried, you've been drumming real hard.
1:08:53
SPEAKER_02: You got them calluses.
1:08:54
SPEAKER_02: Need a fucking goose.
1:08:55
SPEAKER_02: I got geese.
1:08:57
Matt: Uh hey, you don't know.
1:08:59
Matt: You I I can't even tell you how many different kinds of eggs I can give you.
1:09:04
Matt: Hey, you're not allergic to bats, are you?
1:09:07
Eric: Alright, so what does all that add up to?
1:09:10
Eric: So I I I mean, drummers, I give them a five.
1:09:14
Eric: A five.
1:09:16
Eric: The fact that they were 4.5 for me until I realized I could I could ask them to go go fetch partridges.
1:09:22
Eric: All right.
1:09:22
Eric: Well, then we have And if the geese start fucking with me, the drummers could scare them away with their drumming.
1:09:29
Matt: That's a that's absolutely true.
1:09:31
Matt: And the drummers are a bit of an intimidating force.
1:09:34
Eric: Um that's why like they're solid, middle of the road, five fall alas.
1:09:39
Matt: So that, Eric, does give us a ranking of best to worst, and coming in with at la in last place with just one fall a la, ten lords of leaping.
1:09:55
Matt: We're gonna we're gonna follow that up with uh two kind of tied for the the bottom of the pack here.
1:10:04
Matt: Partridge and a pear tree and a levers eleven pipers piping.
1:10:10
Matt: That's next.
1:10:11
Matt: That's next on the list.
1:10:12
Matt: You want to take us further?
1:10:13
Eric: Oh yeah, we've got uh after after Pipers Piping, we've got uh coming at a three Fala La's, six geese allaying, at 3.5, four calling birds, at five, two turtle doves, at also five, twelve drummers drumming.
1:10:33
Eric: At six, yep.
1:10:34
Matt: No, I uh you if you want to take it, go for it.
1:10:37
Matt: Oh, go, go, go, go, babe.
1:10:39
Matt: I was I just wanna I just sneak in here with the six belonging to the seven swans of swimming.
1:10:47
Matt: And then, of course, a seven is a tie between the three French hens and the nine ladies dancing.
1:10:58
Eric: Take us home, Eric.
1:11:00
Eric: And then we got at an eight, it's eight, maids of milking.
1:11:05
Eric: And then finally, num num number one, yep.
1:11:09
Eric: I'm saying number number one, the top.
1:11:11
Eric: Oh yeah, number one, ten, fall alas out of ten, five golden rings.
1:11:18
Matt: And I think we all knew that was gonna be the top coming out.
1:11:22
Eric: That was gonna be the fucking top.
1:11:23
Eric: So uh so there you have it.
1:11:25
Eric: And we can cut this if necessary.
1:11:27
Eric: I'm just gonna really quickly, I'm not gonna sing the whole thing.
1:11:29
Eric: I'm just gonna sing what the last lyric of our ideal ranking of the song would be.
1:11:35
Eric: So it would go on the twelfth day of Christmas.
1:11:38
Eric: My true love gave to me ten lords of leaping, a partridge in a pear tree, eleven pipers piping, six geese laying, four calling birds, two turtle doves, twelve drummers drumming, seven swans are swimming, three French hen, nine ladies dancing, eight maids of milking, and I missed a beat.
1:12:02
Eric: Five gold rings.
1:12:09
Matt: I didn't know what you were.
1:12:11
Matt: I didn't know if you're trying to keep the same intonation that's in the original song or trying to apply it.
1:12:18
Matt: Because when you did the five golden rings, I was like, you're behind, buddy.
1:12:21
Eric: I know.
1:12:22
Eric: I did it.
1:12:22
Eric: I didn't realize it until I was at like nine.
1:12:25
Eric: I was like, oh no.
1:12:27
Matt: Oh man, yeah, you that wasn't.
1:12:29
Matt: I could take it yet.
1:12:30
Eric: I could also try singing it, matching the intonation for each individual one in its place.
1:12:34
Matt: I think you nailed it.
1:12:36
Matt: Okay, it's it's I think it's just the right amount of bad perfect and complete, just the way that it was just the way that it was.
1:12:43
Matt: So there you have it, everybody.
1:12:45
Matt: There's the definitive ranking of the 12 days of Christmas.
1:12:49
Matt: Thank you for the performance there, Eric.
1:12:51
Matt: Uh, any time babe.
1:12:52
Matt: We do appreciate it.
1:12:53
Matt: Now, listen, we started a new season of Google Gripes just last episode.
1:13:00
Matt: And normally we we in the past we did put some gaps in between them.
1:13:05
Matt: We were gonna keep them together, uh, the two halves of the round.
1:13:10
Matt: But I think we're running a little long here today, so come on back for episode 56 when I will give Eric the opportunity to strike back after my two out of three in the first one.
1:13:26
Matt: And I'm excited for it.
1:13:28
Matt: So we got those lined up ready to go for next time.
1:13:32
Eric: Oh, Matt, can you hear that?
1:13:33
Eric: What's that?
1:13:34
Eric: Oh, so get down here.
1:13:35
Eric: Put your ear to the ground.
1:13:37
Eric: I'm listening.
1:13:38
Eric: It sounds like are we shamelessly self-promoting inside our podcast?
1:13:44
Eric: I think we are.
1:13:45
Eric: Holy shit, what's that?
1:13:46
Eric: I see off in the distance.
1:13:48
Matt: Well, it it looks like the Neatcast logo.
1:13:51
Eric: Oh, hey, hey, is that is that Zach E D I see off in the distance?
1:13:56
Matt: Is that the boy from me?
1:13:58
Matt: We joined Mike, Jeremy, and Zach on the Neatcast recently for their second day of their annual 12 rants of Christmas, where we uh, you know, we took took to the s the virtual streets to condemn the white elephant gift exchange yet again.
1:14:17
Matt: Uh so if you haven't yet listened to the Neatcast, by all means let us let us be your first episode because you're gonna love it.
1:14:25
Matt: Yeah, I guarantee that.
1:14:26
Matt: That's a daft guarantee.
1:14:28
Eric: You're in for such a treat.
1:14:29
Eric: They're such good boys.
1:14:30
Eric: They're such good boys.
1:14:31
Eric: Such good boys.
1:14:32
Matt: Such good boys.
1:14:33
Matt: We love them.
1:14:34
Matt: We we you know, they've been promoting our show for a long time.
1:14:39
Matt: We love the neat cast.
1:14:40
Matt: I believe we'll be back for a full episode shortly, so that that should be exciting.
1:14:46
Matt: And um uh yeah, go give them a listen wherever you find your podcasts.
1:14:50
Matt: But of course, we were honored to join them for that little bit there that we uh that we were there for.
1:14:57
Matt: So say we all.
1:14:58
Matt: Now, you might be saying to yourself, I've got a great question for the show, and I desperately want Matt and Eric to answer it.
1:15:05
Matt: Well, I'm happy to report that we will take them, and you can give it to us in a variety of ways.
1:15:11
Matt: Eric, I think I think it's time that I gave them the business.
1:15:14
Matt: Give them the business, Matt.
1:15:16
Matt: You can submit your question to us at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
1:15:20
Matt: That's all spelled out, or on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, why not at you didn't ask pod.
1:15:28
Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod.
1:15:30
Matt: Also, you can uh follow us on all the places that podcasts are available Good Pods, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all those places and more.
1:15:40
Matt: You can review us, people.
1:15:42
Matt: So drop us some reviews, drop us some stars, we'd sure appreciate it.
1:15:46
Matt: And also, don't forget about the thought line.
1:15:49
Matt: Thought line you can call the thought line voicemail and leave us a message at any time.
1:15:55
Matt: And that number is 410-9295329.
1:16:01
Matt: Eric, what can they leave on the thought line?
1:16:04
Eric: Oh my god, literally anything.
1:16:07
Eric: Anything.
1:16:08
Eric: You can leave us questions.
1:16:09
Eric: You can tell us that our previous answers to certain questions were bullshit and tell us why, and we'll argue with you on our on our podcast.
1:16:15
Eric: You can ask us for a job reference.
1:16:18
Eric: We will be your job reference.
1:16:20
Eric: As we demonstrated last episode, we will lie for you without hesitation.
1:16:27
Eric: That's what Christmas is all about.
1:16:29
Eric: We will we will, if you need, you know, if you've got a relative that you really don't want to talk to and your voice sounds close enough to one of ours, I'll fucking call him.
1:16:38
Eric: I'll talk to your creepy aunt.
1:16:39
Matt: We'll do it.
1:16:40
Matt: So leave that shit for us.
1:16:42
Matt: Also, questions.
1:16:43
Matt: You can leave questions there too.
1:16:45
SPEAKER_02: Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to do.
1:16:46
Matt: Whatever you want to do, whatever you want to do.
1:16:48
Matt: And and you know what?
1:16:49
Matt: That'll about do it for this episode of You Didn't Ask for This.
1:16:54
Matt: So, for all of us here, my name is Matt Shay.
1:16:58
Eric: My name is Eric Poach.
1:17:00
SPEAKER_03: And listen, you didn't ask, but have a highly jelly christmas and game here.
1:17:10
Matt: Oh, you went totally different.
1:17:11
Eric: I've got a lot of geese and an alarming number of hens this year.
1:17:18
Eric: That that that's the that was it.
1:17:21
Eric: Um and when you walk down the street, oh by golly, I got a stripper named Holly and a dead bit of Christmas this year.
1:17:34
Matt: Jesus Christ.
1:17:37
Matt: Oh my god.
1:17:40
Eric: Jingle all the way, folks.
1:17:45
Eric: Completed out of this episode.
1:17:48
Eric: Yeah.