Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 13. Navigating the Seasons of Motherhood with Carleeta Nelson

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13. Navigating the Seasons of Motherhood with Carleeta Nelson · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Welcome back everyone.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: Thanks so much for being here for another week and a heart that beats for home.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I am super excited to have a very special guest with us today.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: Carlita Nelson is joining us and I have had the privilege of knowing Carlita from a distance, for about 19 years ago is when I first met her, but really up close and personal, probably in the last 10.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: And just oh so grateful to have this woman in my life.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I had told you all when we started the podcast that I was going to be doing this number one to bring just different people before the audience to listen, and also, selfishly, to bring my own mentors so I could sit at their feet and really be mentored and learn from them.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: And one of the very first people that I thought of that I really want to learn more from is the precious Carlita Nelson.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: When I think about Carlita the thing that I've asked her to chat with us today specifically about, there's so many topics that we could dive into, but specifically today I want to talk about kind of our children as they're getting older, moving out of high school into college, starting to date, getting married, having grandkids.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I have had a front row seat to watch Carlita do the role of mother-in-law, of mother to adult children, grandmother, empty nester, wife to Philip.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I have got to see her do these things so well and I am so excited just to learn from her, as she's a few years ahead of me.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: So, carlita, I want you just to kind of introduce yourself to our listeners, tell them a little bit about who you are, just a little bit about your life, before we dive into some questions.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: Okay, well, I don't know how far you want me to go back, because I'm getting older and I always say it takes a little while to share the story, but when it comes to the family that we have today, I have been married to Phillip, my amazing husband.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: I just figured it up.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: It's 38 years that we have been together and it has just been wonderful to have him as my partner in life and that word is so huge whenever you are talking about a marriage and even as a family, that partnering together.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: We have been blessed to have two children.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: We have Lindsey Ryan, who is 33 years old now, and then we have Blake Patrick, who is 29 years old.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: They are both now married to wonderful spouses.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Lindsay's married to Cody, and Blake is married to Alexa.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Lindsay and Cody have two of our grandchildren.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: Brooks is our oldest, he is six years old.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: Then we have Blakely, who is their second child, and she is four years old.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: And then Blake and Alexa have Porter, who's three years old, and they're pregnant and due with our fourth grandbaby in just a few weeks, in June.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: So we will get to have four grandbabies that we are so blessed to get to do life with and love and enjoy and play with.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: But we have.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I feel like we've been a family hair on fire from the time we came together.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: Phillip and I.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: We met whenever I was in college and he helped me get through college, helped work to help get me through college and we partnered in that and then we really just partnered in life ever since.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: It's not always been easy I don't think life is easy but it's always been sweet because we have done it together and we always felt like we were going to be able to handle whatever it was that life was giving us because we were together and we partnered together as a family with us and our kids, and then now with our sweet son-in-law and daughter-in-law and even our grandkids.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, we call ourselves team family and sometimes that's a little bit of an annoying term, I think, for some of the kids, but as I hear us grow up and even our grandkids, I hear them use that term.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: We're team family and that just helps everybody buy into.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Whatever it is we're doing as a family and if it's work, we work together.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: If it's play, we play together.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: If it's just, you know, enjoying each other or taking care of somebody, we're doing it as a team, and that's what has been the sweet part about all of it, but also what has kept us together.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: I think, yeah, I love that so much.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I just know for the listeners.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: We know that there's going to be good stuff coming.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Carlita is full of wisdom and I know for sure that is the truth because we have had some major, major technical difficulties.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: But so I just know I'm thankful for Carlita's patience and just knowing that that means that there's really good stuff coming.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: And I think even just in that intro, carlita, that teen family it's proof that this is something that Satan does not want to get out into the ears of listeners, because when you have families that are operating as teen family with Christ at the center, they are a threat and I have really been able to witness that with your family just the power of who you guys are as a family and what you guys are doing to make an impact.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: So, kind of diving right into some of the questions, because it is, it's hard.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: You said how far back do we go?
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Where do we jump in at?
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: But I really really do think I want to kind of start in the young adult stage of parenting.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I think and again, maybe selfishly, I'm going to ask all questions that are like on my heart, that I'm navigating and this will just be a private therapy session for me that the listeners actually get to listen in on.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: But take me back to like that stage of your kids going to college, them starting to date their spouses, and what that process is of still being mom, also letting go and then having these other people the in-laws, the daughter-in-law, the son-in-law coming into the picture and maintaining relationship and boundaries.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Just kind of walk me through your and Phillip's thought process on that.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: Maybe something that you feel you did really well that has gotten you where you are.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: Maybe things that you think, oh jeesh, I maybe would have done that a little bit different.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: Well, you know you said Christ centered, and that for sure has been.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: What I have relied on more than anything for our family is that I just kept us centered around him.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: And it's not that I can do that because I love the quote that I heard recently as we just celebrated Easter is that God has no grandchildren.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: You know, your faith is not inherited.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: Even though we are this wonderful family, each person has to work to develop their own relationship with Christ and to have their foundation.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: It was our job as parents to help shepherd them into that.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: So, even though you're talking about the college years and in those later years, it really all starts back whenever they're kids and they're young and they're babies, because that is what we use.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: So that I knew someday and I've always had this gift of vision where I always took things out to like what are they going to do?
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: Whenever I'm not around, you know, to tell them do this, don't do that, do the right thing, don't do the wrong thing.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: I always just knew that, probably because somebody spoke into my life, that it was going to need to be their own heart, wanting to be surrendered to Christ, to do the right thing for their life, and my job was to just teach them, and I did as a parent, you know, tried my best to help them, shepherd, you know, and encourage and support and flourish in that relationship with Jesus.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: But what we also did, or I did, was I told them everything.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: Like I told them the good or I did, was I told them everything, Like I told them the good, the bad and the ugly.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: I was not a candy coat kind of parent.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: I didn't, you know, shy away from a conversation.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: I mean I had.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Really.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: I always believe in preparing people.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: I don't believe in hoping for the best.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I believe in empowering my life.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Word is empower.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: I feel like my calling is just to empower and equip anyone and everyone that my life gets to touch with.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: Whatever it is they're doing.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: I want to help them be able to do it better.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: If I can, and if they don't need me, that's fine.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: But as a parent I really felt that way and so I just wanted to empower my kids.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: This whole thing makes me want to cry as I look back over all those years of what we did, you know, and how much work you put into it, and then you hope and you pray and you leave it up to them.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: I mean, I did tell my kids, you know, I've done all I could.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: I've done my job for God.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: I've been the best mom I could possibly be for them.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: I've told them everything.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: I've not sheltered them from anything.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: I've explained what you know will happen.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: I explained physically, like your body, God made our bodies to want sex and you're going to enjoy it when you have it.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: And I will tell you it's amazing, but at the wrong time it's the wrong thing, and it can create a whole lot of problems.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: And I use living examples that we, you know, got a front row seat to sometimes, of what happens whenever you don't steward that gift of sex well, what it can look like if you don't do a good job with it.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: And so I just made sure that they understood that their bodies were going to want it and how they could protect themselves and put boundaries and keep themselves safe, help them not set up to fail.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: So that was how we did it in high school and then, whenever they went to college, we just I just told them and reminded them you know you're out there, there's no mom and dad there helping you keep those boundaries that we've supported you in, and so you're going to have to step up your responsibility and just remember what you want your life to look like past today.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: And the other thing I did was I made sure they knew it was not going to be my responsibility if anything happened.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: That, whatever they did, they got to live with because I had done my job and what they do with it is up to them.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: They get to live with those consequences, good or bad, and you know I will love you but I'm not going to take care of you so a good amount of that responsibility.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: I think that's the hard part, the letting go, because it is hard.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: As parents we don't want to see our kids fall, we don't want to see them fail, and so learning that balance of I love that.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: You said I've done what I'm supposed to do, and it's a hard thing when you've been doing it for so many decades, to kind of take that backpack off and place it on the back of your kids and kind of in a way, like good luck, go with God, knowing that they're going to hopefully do the right things that you have trained them up in.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: So now, as adults, so now they're married, they have children, the relationship I think you kind of answered that a little bit in the last question is you have a really, really strong relationship with all of those kiddos, the birth kids, the in-laws, the grandchildren.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: What is it now that you think is the main contributing factor to that?
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Number one?
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Mutual respect back and forth, that your kids want to be with you.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: I've seen so many times the saying.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: You know, true success as a parent is when your adult children choose to be with you.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: You know they're wanting to come home.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: It's not a forced thing.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: I know you guys live in, I believe, pretty close proximity.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: So what does that forced thing?
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: I know you guys live in, I believe, pretty close proximity.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: So what does that relationship?
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: look like now, as you have these micro families in your own family and that connection.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: I think that it's a good question, because it is when you're this close to each other.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: You know geographically although we're getting ready to have big changes in our family that we're going to have to figure out a new normal, for we want to always be a part of so much of anything we ever get the chance to do, and, in time, with your adult children, nikki, you're right.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: I tell everybody it's a gift, it's no longer a given.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: When they're in your home and you're raising them, they sleep at your house, they eat at your house, you do their laundry, but then, when they get out of your home, it's a gift because they no longer have to.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: You want them to choose to.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: At the same time, you want them to be their own family and that's the boundary that we try to keep.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: I love the book the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, where he describes the definition of being dependent.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: And you know I do not want any of my children having to live with me to survive or pay bills or whatever it may be, but then so many people are so prideful and proud of being independent, and that is so good to be independent, but it's not the highest level of development.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: And he explains the word interdependent and that you're all independent but you work interdependent together and that's what I, what I strive for, what I love I don't know that they always love it as much as I do, but I always love like, how can we support you and your family but let you be your family?
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: And how can we, how much can we enjoy with you and your family without imposing upon you and your family?
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: Take as much as we can, but always just celebrate too whenever we're doing our own thing and we know our kids are doing a thing that's fun for them, or just being family together, and it's just them and their family and we celebrate that and we know the fun that they're doing, we know the growth that they're having when they do that, because you know there's nothing like just developing your own teen family in your family, and so we are always very excited whenever they get to have that time together and we dream about and, you know, think about all the things they're doing during that time.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: But then we always enjoy our time when we get to be together as well and with our kids, our son-in-law and our daughter-in-law.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: They're like my bonus children, you know.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: They are the answer to my prayer for my kids that God gave them to us as our family and my kids' partners, and I am so blessed to have each one of them.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: I can't imagine anyone else partnering with them and doing life with them.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: But we also have individual relationships with them.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: We, you know, yes, they're a family and we love their family, we're for their family, we love our daughter, we love our son.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: But we have special relationships with Cody, with Cody and Alexa too, and that is so special to me.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Both Phillip and I, we can, we can all be together.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: I could be with Cody, just Cody and I, and we would be so close and have such, you know, a good conversation or be able to do whatever we're doing and enjoy it and help each other.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: And he takes such good care of me.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: If Phillip's ever gone and I'm with him and Lindsay I mean, he's like so careful to make sure he knows and I know that he's taking care of me I'm just blessed.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: But then Phillip will call Cody and they'll talk about things that just they talk about.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Phillip and Alexa have things.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: You know she has a special relationship with him and she knows if she needs something built or if she wants a design on the wall for her baby rooms, that she knows that Phillip will answer her call and help her get it done.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: And they work together just the two of them to figure out what she wants it to look like and how to do it.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: And I can definitely have my own time in conversations with Alexa and it's just sweet.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: We both feel so equally blessed that she's my daughter-in-law and I'm her mother-in-law and she tells me more than probably I deserve and more than most people get to hear, how grateful she is that I am her mother-in-law.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: I'm equally and more grateful that she's my daughter-in-law.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: So I mean it's just so sweet and so special what we have outside of our own kids.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: You know, and it's like almost more special because you know I didn't birth those children, almost more special because you know I didn't birth those children.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: But they know that we love them because we spend special time with each one of them, just like when you're raising your children and your family and you have more than one kid.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: You love them all the same amount but completely different and you do different things with each one of them because that's what's special to them and what matters to them, so that they know that they matter to you.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: And that's what we do with our adult in-law kids is that we do special things with each one of them so that they know they matter to me.
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: I mean for Cody.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: He's a little country boy, like I was a little country girl.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: We grew up on the same kind of cooking, the same kind of food, and whenever I can cook him a home cooked meal and the other day I made him chicken, bright steak and gravy with mashed potatoes and homemade gravy.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: He knows I'm doing it for him.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: Everybody gets to enjoy it.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: But Cody knows I cook that for him because I love him and it's just something special.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: You know it's just sweet.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: How do you so you can talk about now and, man, what a blessing it is to those in-laws that they have just people that love them the way you do.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: You have an amazing story of just how you have loved these kids, but I have really, really seen just the friendship side.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I have got to watch several times.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Carlita and I work for the same company and so we have been able to do a lot of traveling together, and it's always a highlight for me when I roll up to a pool and the Nelson clan is there and it's, you know, the kids, the grandkids.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: They've got it down to nap hour at the beach or at the pool.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: They know how to do it.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: But you can just tell that it is very relational.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: It's not transactional, it's not a I have to pay this price to put the deposit in, to get something out.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: It is very much relational, back and forth, both ways.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: And so how, how did you, as the mother-in-law, start to create that new normal?
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: When they leave your house and you're balancing how much am I supposed to be there?
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Where do I need to just leave distance?
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: How did you work through that, letting go of some of the reins, as what you referred to earlier as the given versus the gift, it was the given that you were going to be there and take care of everything.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: How did you start to make that little bit of degree of separation, to kind of let them start their own without feeling like you were losing?
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: You know, I think it's the security.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Again, it goes way back to before that moment that they're getting married and moving on to the next stage of life.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: We were, my daughter and son, and all of us, phillip and myself.
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: We were so secure in our relationship with each other that bringing somebody into it did not threaten us, it just enhanced us.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: I will tell you, when you say your kids are so lucky, you know I'm sure they think they're so lucky that I'm their mother-in-law.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: I mean I'm also a mom.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: You know whenever I will get on my adult kids.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: If I see them doing things that was not right to anyone, but you know, to their spouse, I'll tell them.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: You know that's not what you should be doing.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: You know with them.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: And it was even funny when Blake was little one time he was, he and I always kind of rubbed each other a little bit more than Lindsay and he would bite at me more as a kid.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: And one day I remember vividly telling him that I mean I'd had it with his griping and everything and I said you know, I am your practice, run for your wife and if I could divorce you right now I would.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: And let me just tell you, she will be able to divorce you and she would if you were, if you treat her the way you do me right now and so you better start treating me better, because you know you may not feel like treating your mom better, but I am your practice, run for your wife and you're going to need to treat her better.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: It was just that kind of thing that you know helped him.
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: I think know that this is what I need to do and register it.
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: More than just a mom-son relationship, this is God is at work in your heart, in your life right now, preparing you for down the road.
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: But then, whenever they get to that point in the road, you got to let them go and you got to let them, like, make their mistakes.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: My husband was just.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: We were on the treadmill today, in the gym, and he was saying he talked to a friend there and was telling her kids that she saw something coming three months before it happened.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: You know, in their life and we do, we see things that our kids are doing as adults and and it's like we don't run in, just like we didn't always save and rescue our younger kids, it's like, yeah, I'm not sure that's the best.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: Or I can tell you that's probably going to turn out like this and just kind of have to wait for a moment to have the invite to contribute into their life.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Or maybe sometimes I can say you know, you just have to go.
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: Okay, when's the right time?
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: When does God open the door for you?
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: Because I know I know all four of those kids and I know when they're they will be willing to receive it, or when it will just kind of add fuel to a to a fire for them.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: I will take a moment, I will pray about that moment, pray for that moment and take that moment whenever I see it.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: But sometimes you don't get that moment and it's where God knows he needs to let them fail so that they will grow and learn from it, so that they can learn how to do better.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: Lord knows, Philip and I failed many times doing life together, but we learned every time we failed and we moved forward in it.
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: We didn't just keep repeating the same mistake.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: So we just have to watch from a distance, pray for an opportunity and hope for the best.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: And also we trust them.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: We know that their foundation is strong and even if they fail, we know they're falling on solid ground.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: They know how to pick themselves back up, dust themselves off and not make it permanent.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: Just go forward from there.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, that's so good.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: I love that and I love that practice round for your wife.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: I know they always say and I tell my son, who's 14 and is historically pretty respectful, but every once in a while I'll look at him and say you would never treat your wife like that, don't treat your mom like that.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: But I love that whole practice round.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: It's true, how they treat their mom is how they will treat their spouse.
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, make sure you're watching how your boyfriend treats his mom, because that's how you're going to be treated, or worse.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: There's so much goodness in that that I want to kind of dissect into try to decide which way I want to take this.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: I love that too.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: They're falling on steady ground, and I think some conversations that my husband and I have had recently is you look at your young adult children who are making decisions.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Same thing.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Maybe you align or you don't align, but you trust them and having to also go.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm 46, they're 21.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: And it's so easy for me at 46 to want them to make decisions that a 46 year old would make.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: But I have to go back and think, oh my goodness, I was already married at the age my oldest daughter is right, and so just letting them figure it out, knowing that the foundation is good and also recognizing that failing forward we know that book by John Maxwell so good that failing forward is a gift, and I think so many parents have a hard time, myself included.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: It's an adjustment, having to figure out how to just let your kids fail and learn from that, and so I love everything that you said there.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let's switch gears a little bit, because I want to talk to you about being a grandma.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Is grandma what you go by or do they have a nickname for?
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: you, they call me Pippa, and that's what they gave me.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: There's no, you know, there's nothing significant about it.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: It's just that that's what they called me in and that's what I answered too.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I love it.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, pippa.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: So you're Pippa, and what is Philip?
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: He's Pit Pit.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, so great.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: So Pippa and Pit Pit, that is so cute.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: That's a lot of Ps for little kids and they, yes, and they do it I love it.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: Okay, so talk to us about that transition.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: You know you hear so many people talk about grand.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: You know and you read in the Bible about grandchildren are the crown of a parent's heart and just what that is.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: What do you think about that role and how you kind of just in the last six years right, because the oldest is six how you have kind of just embraced that role and what it means to you, how you have kind?
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: of just embraced that role and what it means to you.
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: It is the sweetest, sweetest thing and everybody who says, oh you, just you know, won't know till you have it.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: It is true just how much you love those little beings and how sweet it is to know that you know they're a part of you and a part of your kids, but then also watching that they're a part of their parents and how beautiful that is and the family that they're creating.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: But it's a gift.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: I mean and I will tell you even more so, like when we talk about your you get time and it's a given with your kids that you get this time.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: It's not a given that you get time as a grandparent, it's a gift Anytime.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: You get time as a grandparent with your kids and we are so blessed and have been so fortunate to live close and to have an abundance of time compared to what probably most get to have.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: I soak up every minute of it.
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: We have a lake house and Phillip and I like to go down there, and before we would because our adult kids were busy and it's like, oh, we can be down here, it's no big deal, they're doing their life, we're doing ours, it's all good Now with grandbabies I'm like wherever my grandbabies are, I am, you know.
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: It's like if they're not at the lake with me, I'm not probably going to go down to the lake.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: If they're, if they are, that's where I'm going to be.
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: And especially Nikki, I've been telling everybody that I can just as a tip, a success tip I look at, I got, I had nieces and nephews that I got to kind of grandparent, they lived with me sometimes and I got to be an important person in their life.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: And today they're 14 and 16 and I know they love me still and I mean, if I called them and asked them to go to lunch or shopping or whatever, they would do it and they, they appreciate, do it and they appreciate that relationship enough to still give me time when I ask for it.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: But there's not as much time.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: You know they have school, they have their events, they have their friends and that's what I know.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: The same thing will happen with my grandchildren as they get older.
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: And so, from birth until kindergarten, you want to make sure you're maximizing that time and building that relationship and depositing events in time, where you're creating memories with them that will always make them want to come back and give you time, even in their busiest stages of life.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: You know that they cherish it enough.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: I know my little grandson went to kindergarten this year and I was like the school just ripped him from my arms, you know.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: And they didn't.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: He needs to go, it's his season and it's time.
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: But the sweetest thing happened whenever he had his first day out of school during the week and he went to bed and he asked his mom, can we just go to Pippa's house tomorrow?
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: And she was like, yes, that's what we'll do, we'll go to Pippa's house tomorrow.
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: And then he got up like two times during the night Mom, can we please go to Pippa's house tomorrow?
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: And all his heart wanted to do was to come back and do what he used to get to do before he started school and had to go to school instead of just coming over to Pippa's house and playing during the day as much as he got to before he started school.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: And I just thought you know what we did it.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: He, he desires that time, even though we he doesn't get it as much as we do anymore either he wants it and just cherishing that those early years, and then not.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: I don't get upset with the older kids, as they, you know, get busy.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: It's just life and you want them to have a full and fun and productive life and they need they're going to need to invest time in that, and I think so many grandparents get their feelings hurt or, you know, you hear them say, I hear people say, well, they never come visit anymore.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: You know, and I hate when you walk in and it's like, well, it's so good you finally showed up.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: Instead of just being grateful, you showed up, you took the time to show up, yeah, you know, and I think, just always appreciating anytime, like every time they walk in a door or we walk in their door, they know we're so excited and grateful to see them.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: We make a big deal out of it, even though it may have been 30 minutes ago that we just saw them, you know, and now we thought we would have to be apart, but we don't.
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: We're back together, you know.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: I mean it's just you, let them know.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: It's just so great Anytime we get to be with you and we take anything we can get.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: But we also know you're busy.
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: You have other people that love you, you, you, other grandparents that you need to go spend time with and you want to do life with.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: We're happy that you get to go be with somebody who loves you and enjoys you as much as we do.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: Just not begrudging them of anything, letting them know you love them with open hands, all of them.
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: I love my kids with open hands.
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: We got to Easter Sundays busier at church and a lot of times Blake sits with Alexa's family on the back row and we sit in front of them or a few rows in front of them wherever there's space.
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: Well, this Sunday we got to all sit together on one row and we were all crammed in together and I was crammed in between Blake and Phillip and I messaged him after church and I was like, was crammed in between Blake and Phillip and I messaged him after church and I was like it was such a sweet day.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: You know like that's what I got when he was little and it was a given that he went to church with me every Sunday and he sat right beside me every Sunday.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: But you know what, we don't get that every Sunday anymore, but I got that today and it was so sweet for your mama to get to sit next to you at church today, honey, and I just want to tell you I love you, and it was the sweet Easter for me and he was like I love you too, mama.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: And he said it was I love you too, mama.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: And so you know, just like it's OK that you sit back there with your wife and that's where their family sits, it's.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: I don't begrudge that, I'm not jealous of it.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: I jealous of it, I'm not insecure about it, but I just really appreciated that I got to have a day that I got to sit next to you too, you know, and it was sweet.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: So that makes him want to do it more than me going.
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: Well, how come you guys never sit with us?
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: You know how come you're not ever on our row instead of?
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: You know it's like that's where they go to church.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: You know that's where they've always said it's OK that we're there and we're all glad to be there and we're all nice and friendly with each other, we're all friends.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: So I just think it's important as grandparents to to take as much as you can and and I mean for us I was blessed to have the mentors in my life, for my godly grandparents, for us.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: I was blessed to have the mentors in my life were my godly grandparents, and they did so many things that were special, that make me go.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: I want to do that with my kids, and that's the kind of grandparent I want to be.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: I want to do things with our kids that make them go.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Whenever I have kids or grandkids, I want to do this with them, or I want them to experience the same thing I got to experience with my grandparents, because it was such a good memory and it was.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: It helped us be who we are today.
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: I remember one day I was like going to the gym and our kids were little and they were, you know, waving through the window where we were doing our workout classes and I thought how cool that they see their grandparents and their parents making being healthy a priority.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: And then I thought, you know, we need to make sure we're also making sure they see us making our faith a priority.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: Do they see us in church, do they?
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: You know we have a lake house, but Phillip and I will come back on Saturday night most times if we're in, you know, not traveling somewhere else so that we can be at church with our kids, but, more importantly, our grandkids, who are now developing their foundation of faith and knowing that this is important to our family.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: Just like going to the gym is important to our family, having family time together is important to our family.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: Like what do you want them to?
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: To carry on or to model in your family?
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: You need to make sure you're being the best role model for them too, in order for them to be able to do it.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: You know the whole saying you can't tell them.
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: You show them.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: They watch more than they than they yeah.
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: And that's what we try to do as grandparents is just model that.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: But at the same time I'm kind of the same parent that I, or grandparent that I was a parent.
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: I will get onto them and they all know it, like I don't ever let them be less on my watch and I'm going to be the grandparent that you know.
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: That is probably known for being the disciplinarian one and stuff.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: But there was a study that whenever I worked as a pediatric nurse practitioner, parents always would get upset about having to discipline their kids and stuff.
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: But I mean, I always just ask everybody and everybody.
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: You can think about it, everyone listening can think about.
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: Who is the person in your life that you feel like to help mold you and shape you into who you are today, for life?
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: And it will always be the one who loved you enough and, most importantly, believed in you enough to call you to a higher standard, like to not let you be ugly, not let you be less, not let you be anything other than what they knew you could be, because you were created for greatness and you were created to be kind.
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: You were created to be courageous, you were created to be all things, and so that's what you're going to get to be, and when I see you be less, you're going to hear it and you're going to be reminded of your truth.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, man, that's so good.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: Carlita, and I love when you were talking to just about the expectations of like in church and stuff.
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: I was just getting some notes ready for a marriage series we're going to tackle on the podcast and it was talking about and you know we're going to go into it in a lot of detail in another episode but expectations, when you can exchange expectations for appreciations, how that shifts everything.
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: And, man, that story is such a great example of you could have all the expectations that you want, how you want your son to be, how you want things to look, but when you just get rid of the expectations and everything turns into, how can I turn these things into appreciations?
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: Just that text, and I'm sure that meant so much to him, just to get that text right and know that his mom loved it.
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: And there is something about what you praise, you bring attention to, and he probably will think, man, that really was special for mom, that I sat by her and who knows, maybe it'll happen more often and if it doesn't, that's fine too.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: But you know we have to praise the things that are important and I just love that story.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: Okay, so kind of starting to wrap it up.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: I want to know, and I think again, we have listeners on the podcast Carlita from.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: I have single gals that listen to this and men there are some young men and we have young marrieds that have no kids.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: We've got a lot of parents at all different stages and then we have a lot of empty nesters and I'm moving towards that.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: I'm four years away from our youngest, graduating, and it has been just an interesting time of parenting, just that, relinquishing a lot of what was, what was your identity in a lot of ways.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: But I have heard so many stories of people who walk into that stage and just their marriage is in shambles because their whole entire existence has been raising their kids.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: And I'm so grateful for a husband that I am still madly in love with.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: We'll celebrate 25 years this year and we are looking not that we're trying to rush our kids out of the house by any means, but we are also excited about this next stage of our life that God has given us because we're going into it as best friends.
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: And so what has that looked like for you and Phillip now being in that stage?
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: Empty nesters obviously still tons on your plate with kids and grandkids, but tell just a little bit, give some insight into what that relationship can look like if you take care of it before you get to that stage.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think again, back it all the way up, you know, like nothing is going to be what you want it when you want it, you have to build for it, take care of it, nurture it, do all the things.
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: And we were never the people that did a specific date night every week or anything.
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: We never, we didn't do that and I know it's such a good thing and so many people do it and I praise it that you do and you can.
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: Our life just did not allow it.
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: But we always knew that we were dating each other all the time with life, you know, and that we were doing everything we could in the thick and the busy and the ugly of life, you know, together, because it's what we wanted and everything we did was for our family.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: He may be at work and work extra long hours while I was at home, you know, I mean I worked and then I would be home more than he was, but we always I always looked at it as not that he was gone from home and all that that we were partnering.
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: He was doing all he could for our family to provide for our family and help take care of our family while I worked and provided what I could and then did what else I could around the home when he wasn't able to be home, and partner in that way, and together we took care of all the family that we had been so blessed to have and we just looked at it as a partnership.
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: If you start looking at one's doing this, or more or less or not having to do some of the things that you think are harder than the other one, then you're always again looking at what you expect versus appreciation.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: That expectation versus appreciation is huge.
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: Like I didn't expect him to have to do any more than he already was, because he was doing all he could and if he could have had more time with his family, he would have loved to have more time with his family.
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: So I just appreciated any time we got with our family and that's how we did it.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: It was just always appreciation.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: Then you go through you know those, those busy years and and it's easy and it makes me so sad it breaks my heart for families when I see them lose each other in that process because they get so focused on their kids or they get so stressed out that they you know stress starts bringing out ugly things and they get gritchy and then it rips away at relationships and then you end up just thinking you could, you'd be better off without them, and I'm like you're not.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: One of the best pieces of advice I got from a friend who went through a divorce.
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: She said you know, it's much easier to work on your problems than it is to be divorced.
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: I will tell you, as sweet as it is and fun as it is to have, and that it's not a selfish thing to make that marriage a priority, because that's what gives your kids the peace.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: They're not sitting there stressing over our mom and dad fighting or our mom and dad going to get divorced while they're trying to figure out how to get through school and all their emotional journey that they're on through junior high, teenage years or whatever, being a solid unit for them.
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: It just lets them worry about them and grow them, and so that's that part.
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: There's so much to this question.
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: But then, but then, whenever they leave and you've done all you can that we've talked about, you know, and there's so much more that was done, but the foundation was what we've shared today Then you go.
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: Okay, now you know you set them off to fly in the direction of their dreams and you grab each other's arms and you get to watch it from a front row seat and enjoy it together.
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: I see parents that didn't make it together and, you know, whenever their kids get married or they have babies, you can see them sometimes wish that they had stayed together.
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: After the stress was gone, it's like, hey, that person doesn't look so bad today.
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: You know, I wish that we would have figured out how to stick it out, because it would have been more fun doing this together than it is to do it separate or have, you know, a kid, have a birthday party and decide which one's going to get to come, or whatever you know like.
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: It's just more fun to do.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: Enjoy every blessing that you have together and and just kind of may even be boastful and going look what we got, look what we produced, look what our love produced, look what our legacy is creating, what our love produced, look what our legacy is creating, and you get to watch it from a front row seat.
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: I will tell you it's not.
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: As for us, we've our kids and I also am so glad.
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: Our kids, you know, had their babies early and we got to be young grandparents, because it takes a lot of energy to do life with.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: I said we had two kids, they got married, it turned into four and then they started having babies and now they're nine.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: Right, you know, and it is busy, but it's a different kind of busy and we do get those little moments away together and it's sweet.
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: Again, we just talk about look at what we did.
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: But he's my friend.
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: When you get to this stage of life, your kids are going to go off without you.
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: Some people may not like that and that's an unhealthy thing to put on your kids because they feel the pressure of needing to be with you and try to be your happiness when they're trying to go out and live their own life.
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: But what's so fun and so beautiful is when they can go live their life and you still have a beautiful life back here and they even celebrate when you get to be together and have your own time together, because they know you were such good partners friends, husband, wife when they lived with you that they they're excited for you to have that dating time that maybe they're even in like they're dating and now they go.
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: Hey, mom and dad are dating again.
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: Philip dates me.
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: You know we go on dates now more than we ever got to, whenever our kids were younger, and it's because we can and we remember how much we loved each other and how attracted I was to him, you know, before we had kids, and why I wanted to date him and be married.
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: And I still look at him today and I'm like I'm still attracted to you and I still am so excited.
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: I am your girlfriend and I get to date you.
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: So it's just, it's gosh, it's God's blessing.
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: I mean, it is just multiplies for you as you, as you work together, partner together, stay together, appreciate everything that you have with your kids your new bonus kids or in-laws, whatever you want to call them, and then your grandkids, all while you get to be with your best friend.
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: There is nothing sweeter.
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: And I just tell everybody like don't give up when it gets a little rough, don't give up when you get tired.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: You know, galatians 6, 9 is my favorite life verse.
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the right time you will reap a harvest and it will be abundant.
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: It is abundant whenever you stay together and let it just keep multiplying and multiplying and multiplying instead of dividing.
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: So beautiful.
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much, carlita.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: Well, for everybody listening, if there wasn't a whole bunch of nuggets you took away from that, go back and listen again, and listen again, because there is jewels in there for all stages of life.
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: There's encouragement to people that haven't even started out on this journey, some great takeaways that can save you maybe some hardship.
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: And I think there's also encouragement for people that are maybe in a tough season and are wondering is it worth it?
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: Is it worth fighting for?
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: I think so much of what Carlita just shared is yes, it is worth fighting for and obviously, because this goes out to a lot of people, we're not talking about people that are in abusive relationships, anything like that.
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: We're talking about day-to-day life is hard.
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: Parenting is hard, finances are hard, teenagers are hard.
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: There are hard things and in the same way, it's right you choose your heart, because there is hard on both sides of every decision that is made, and you just so beautifully painted the picture of choosing a hard maybe in a stressful season, that 5, 10, 15 years down the road when you're not walking those beautiful stages that should be kind of those bragging rights stages of look what we did, look at these amazing humans that we were able to raise with God's help, and look what they're doing.
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: It is for sure legacy, and so I hope that, no matter who you are, that you just took something away from this.
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: Carlita, I'm always so blessed to sit at your feet in so many ways, whether it be just you guys are only getting to see this, this one side of Carlita which is my favorite the mom, the wife, the grandma but I also get to sit at her feet as just a brilliant business woman and mentor, and she has done her life well.
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: So, carlita, I just adore you to pieces and I'm so grateful that you would sit and take the time despite all of these technical difficulties.
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: So, friends, if this is not the best sounding podcast we've ever produced, thanks for being patient, but we knew that there was going to be some good stuff in here to face all of those oppositions.
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: So, carlita, thank you so, so much for being here today and taking the time with us.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: It was my true pleasure just to get to spend time with you and if anything I do helped or did help anyone empower you through these beautiful stages of life, it is my joy because it is what God created me to do.
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: So thank you guys for just listening and just letting it sink into your heart.
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: Whatever you needed when you needed it, thank you.
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: Nikki, I love you, honey, all right.
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: Well, that's going to wrap up this week here at A Heart that Beats for Home.
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: Friends, if this has been an episode that spoke to you, if you think of maybe one of your friends that's going through a hard time in their marriage, somebody that's just walking through these new stages of kind of letting go of the grips of parenting, be sure to share this episode with them, whether you text it, share it on social.
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: We are so grateful every time that these episodes get shared.
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: It's what helps build our community and creates just this beautiful place for all of us to grow into greatness together.
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: So thanks so much for being here.
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: Friends, until next time, take care.