Latest / Rock My Finances / What Has Being “The NICE Girl” Actually Cost You—in Money, Career, Business and Life?

Transcript

What Has Being “The NICE Girl” Actually Cost You—in Money, Career, Business and Life? · Rock My Finances

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  Speaker 3: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on K4HD Radio
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  Speaker 3: and Talk4TV, where we put the fun in finance. Join
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  Speaker 3: powerhouse Jennifer Jost, CDFA, CMC, and private wealth advisor, as
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  Speaker 3: she collaborates with you to create clarity, control, and confidence
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  Speaker 3: with your money, your way. It's not about the zeros.
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  Speaker 3: So what is it all about? Let's find out. Now
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  Speaker 3: here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jost.
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  Speaker 1: Welcome back to Rock My Finances. This is gonna be
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  Speaker 1: an interesting show today. Have you ever thought you might
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  Speaker 1: be too nice, right?
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  Speaker 2: Have you ever thought of being the good girl?
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  Speaker 1: And you might not even have said these words to you,
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  Speaker 1: but it actually might be true. So what has being
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  Speaker 1: the nice girl actually cost you in your money, in
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  Speaker 1: your career, in business, and even life? So I wanna
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  Speaker 1: start with a question that sounds really simple. Are you
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  Speaker 1: a nice woman? And nice might be different than kindness, right?
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  Speaker 1: Most of us would probably say yes. And that's a
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  Speaker 1: good thing. I want to be around nice people. I
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  Speaker 1: want women to be compassionate, to be generous, to be
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  Speaker 1: loving and thoughtful. But today I want to separate two
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  Speaker 1: words that can often use as though they might mean
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  Speaker 1: the same thing, nice and kind. So because they're not
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  Speaker 1: always the same, that's what we're going to be talking
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  Speaker 1: about today. Kindness can come from love. Nice can also
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  Speaker 1: come from fear. Kindness says, I care about you. Niceness
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  Speaker 1: sometimes says, I need you to be okay with me.
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  Speaker 1: Kindness says, I don't want to hurt you. Niceness sometimes says,
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  Speaker 1: I can't handle it when you're unhappy with And ladies,
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  Speaker 1: this is the difference that we can change our entire
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  Speaker 1: life around. But it does take some introspection. Yes, many
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  Speaker 1: of us were raised to be nice girls long before
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  Speaker 1: we had any idea what that meant.
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  Speaker 2: Don't be difficult. Don't make a scene. Did you ever
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  Speaker 2: hear that? Don't get dramatic. And above all, don't hurt
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  Speaker 2: anyone's feeling. Be polite. Be nice.
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  Speaker 1: Let the boys go first. Let someone else go first.
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  Speaker 1: Don't talk about yourself. Don't brag about yourself. And don't
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  Speaker 1: be pushy and bossy and boss people around.
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  Speaker 2: Don't be selfish. Be grateful.
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  Speaker 3: Smile.
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  Speaker 1: My personal favorite, just be nice. Well, none of these
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  Speaker 1: are terrible things, right? The problem is what a little
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  Speaker 1: girl sometimes learns underneath these comments. Other people's comfort is
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  Speaker 1: more important than mine. Other people's hurt feelings are more
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  Speaker 1: important than my hurt feeling. How someone else is going
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  Speaker 1: to take and accept and hear what I have to
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  Speaker 1: say versus just my truth. And that little girl grows up.
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  Speaker 1: She becomes a girlfriend. She becomes a wife. She becomes
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  Speaker 1: a mother, a businesswoman, possibly a leader, a salesperson, a.
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  Speaker 2: Friend, a caregiver.
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  Speaker 1: She could become a teacher. She could become professional. She
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  Speaker 1: could become a housewife. She could become the managing of
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  Speaker 1: the estate. She may become incredibly successful. She may even
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  Speaker 1: become the CEO of a corporation or start her own
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  Speaker 1: business and have franchises. But somewhere inside that powerful grown
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  Speaker 1: woman may still be a nice girl checking in the room,
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  Speaker 1: wanting to make sure that everybody's okay. Is everybody okay
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  Speaker 1: with me? Did I upset her? Does he think I'm difficult?
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  Speaker 1: Did that sound mean? Should I apologize? Maybe I shouldn't
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  Speaker 1: have said anything at all. And I want to talk
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  Speaker 1: about what that costs us and the difference of a
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  Speaker 1: true apology for being rude. Because being nice and being
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  Speaker 1: the nice girl can become incredibly expensive. And I'm not
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  Speaker 1: just talking about money. I'm talking about the cost of
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  Speaker 1: the most important thing you have is your voice. That
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  Speaker 1: displays who you are to the world. Your time is
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  Speaker 1: so important. Your energy, we all have the same energy
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  Speaker 1: waking up, same hours in a day waking up, but
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  Speaker 1: your energy can be depleted from just trying to serve
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  Speaker 1: everyone else versus yourself. It could cost you your boundaries,
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  Speaker 1: which is your integrity, right? It can erode your confidence
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  Speaker 1: and it can get in between your relationships and it
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  Speaker 1: can really just deplete all your opportunities. And sometimes your
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  Speaker 1: ability to even know what you want anymore. I've heard
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  Speaker 1: from so many women being a certified divorce financial analyst
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  Speaker 1: when they're going through their divorce.
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  Speaker 2: That's the first question I ask. What do you want?
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  Speaker 2: I have no idea what I want.
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  Speaker 1: I've done what the marriage needed and what the relationship
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  Speaker 1: needed and what my kids needed, what my co-workers needed
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  Speaker 1: and my boss needed.
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  Speaker 2: They don't even know what they want. Well, what do
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  Speaker 2: you like?
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  Speaker 1: I don't know.
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  Speaker 2: This is why I always.
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  Speaker 1: Start every coaching client with A list of a hundred
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  Speaker 1: things that you love. It might take you 10 minutes.
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  Speaker 1: It might take you 10 months. Writing down a hundred
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  Speaker 1: things that you love reframes our brain into thinking about
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  Speaker 1: what we actually care about. So here's a question I
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  Speaker 1: want you to sit with. When did being liked become
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  Speaker 1: more important than being honest?
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  Speaker 2: I love that.
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  Speaker 1: When did being liked become more important than being honest?
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  Speaker 1: Not honest in a cruel way, in a rude, bitchy way,
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  Speaker 1: but honest. And not just like, oh, I just tell
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  Speaker 1: it like it is, leaving the bodies behind you everywhere.
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  Speaker 2: That's not empowerment.
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  Speaker 1: That's just bad behavior, which I've done before in my life,
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  Speaker 1: of course, like blurting things out and not thinking about
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  Speaker 1: them first. I'm talking about just being honest with yourself.
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  Speaker 1: How many times have you said, I'm fine, when you
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  Speaker 1: really weren't fine? How many times were you actually mad
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  Speaker 1: and somebody asked you, are you okay?
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  Speaker 2: And you said, yes, I'm fine. Or does this bother you? Nope,
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  Speaker 2: no problem. It's fine.
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  Speaker 1: No problem, it's fine. Like it's a big joke with
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  Speaker 1: men and women, right? Because women do it so much.
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  Speaker 1: So there is some truth to it. When it's absolutely
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  Speaker 1: a problem and we actually say whatever you want, like
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  Speaker 1: what is that? When you knew exactly what you wanted, no,
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  Speaker 1: I want Italian food tonight. Like if you're with your girlfriends,
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  Speaker 1: this is me, I should say me, because huge codependent
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  Speaker 1: from way back when, right? So when I'm with my girlfriends,
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  Speaker 1: I would say, oh, I would love to have Italian tonight.
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  Speaker 1: And then if they said Mexican, Italian, I would say, okay,
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  Speaker 1: can we compromise.
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  Speaker 2: Or not, right?
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  Speaker 1: But for me, I get all tongue twisted when I
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  Speaker 1: have men around and then I will just defer to
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  Speaker 1: whatever they want.
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  Speaker 2: Oh, you want my skin? Okay, that's fine. I can
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  Speaker 2: find something there that I'll like. Or even, I don't care.
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  Speaker 1: It's up to you. Or when did you ever say, sure,
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  Speaker 1: I can do that? When every cell in your body
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  Speaker 1: is screaming, please don't ask me to do one more
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  Speaker 1: thing and What happens?
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  Speaker 2: Sure, I can finish it. Sure, I can do that.
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  Speaker 1: Then what happens to us? We get resentful. We get irritated.
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  Speaker 2: We get bitchy. We start complaining. We get judgmental. We
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  Speaker 2: get negative.
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  Speaker 1: And we have no idea that this is because we
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  Speaker 1: said yes too many times when our body wanted us
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  Speaker 1: to say no. We can't even think of that. It
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  Speaker 1: doesn't even dawn on us. That's been building up day
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  Speaker 1: after day after day or even all day. We think,
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  Speaker 1: why does everyone expect me to do everything? Sometimes the
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  Speaker 1: answer is very uncomfortable. Well, because you've trained them to
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  Speaker 1: do that. We have to look at ourselves. I do
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  Speaker 1: this all the time with my clients because a little
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  Speaker 1: bit of a marriage counselor here, right? Being a financial
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  Speaker 1: advisor with clients. Just had a conversation today with one
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  Speaker 1: of my clients. And what happens to women is we
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  Speaker 1: wake up and we just say we're done. And we
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  Speaker 1: take on too much. And then we get mad. They
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  Speaker 1: don't do anything for themselves.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not happy.
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  Speaker 1: There's nothing in this relationship for me because we haven't
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  Speaker 1: required it for the last 10, 20, 30, 40 years.
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  Speaker 1: And then all of a sudden we're like, wait, this
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  Speaker 1: isn't what I wanted. Well, we haven't required what we need.
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  Speaker 2: In a relationship. I know this is hard to hear. Ouch,
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  Speaker 2: I know, I know, I know.
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  Speaker 1: But that's where the empowerment starts. Not blaming other people,
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  Speaker 1: but actually with the awareness around ourselves. Because if I
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  Speaker 1: can see my part in the problem or in the pattern,
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  Speaker 1: then I can suddenly have the power to change it.
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  Speaker 1: And here's something I want you to remember. Resentment is
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  Speaker 1: sometimes the receipt or a boundary that we were afraid
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  Speaker 1: to set. Resentment is sometimes the receipt or a boundary
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  Speaker 1: that we were afraid to set. So every time I
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  Speaker 1: feel resentful or I hear any of my clients' resentment,
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  Speaker 1: we go back and we look at some things.
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  Speaker 2: We'll say, okay, if we would have said no.
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  Speaker 1: And drew this line and said, nope, this is one
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  Speaker 1: of my boundaries, but no, I'm not going to work
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  Speaker 1: until 10 o'clock at night. No, I'm not going to
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  Speaker 1: stay overtime. I literally was just watching a show. I
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  Speaker 1: love it called Rookie. I don't know if you guys
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  Speaker 1: like the Rookie, but I love the Rookie. We were
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  Speaker 1: just watching one of the episodes that Officer Bradford asked
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  Speaker 1: the control person that gives out the calls to stay extra.
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  Speaker 1: She got off work and he said, can you stay
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  Speaker 1: an extra three hours?
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  Speaker 2: And she said, sure, if you take me out for
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  Speaker 2: a drink. And he said yes when he's not even
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  Speaker 2: really single.
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  Speaker 1: So that was all set up and it was rude, right?
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  Speaker 2: At least she asked for something.
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  Speaker 1: But who's going to stay three hours after work just
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  Speaker 1: to help some cute guy out, right?
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  Speaker 2: Was that you? Have you done that? Would you do it?
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  Speaker 2: I just thought that was interesting.
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  Speaker 1: So looking back, what were you giving in that you
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  Speaker 1: really just did not want to do? What were you tolerating?
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  Speaker 1: Or what were you agreeing to? So like sometimes people...
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  Speaker 1: will be treat us badly, treat us rude, be rude
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  Speaker 1: because they're in a bad mood or something. Are you
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  Speaker 1: tolerating that behavior because somebody else has an emotional problem?
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  Speaker 1: Or are you saying, wait, I'm sorry. You're going to
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  Speaker 1: have to leave me alone for a while. Go take
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  Speaker 1: care of that emotional rollercoaster you got going. Come back
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  Speaker 1: and ask for that in a different way. We don't
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  Speaker 1: have to be rude about it. We can all say
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  Speaker 1: all of our eye messages, right? I'm feeling a little
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  Speaker 1: put off right now. So I'd love to have a
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  Speaker 1: better conversation, calmer, when the time is better. What did
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  Speaker 1: you need to say that you never did say? Sometimes
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  Speaker 1: we're waiting for another person to magically recognize the boundaries
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  Speaker 1: that we've actually never communicated. We're expecting people to be
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  Speaker 1: responsible for knowing what the heck is in our monkey brain.
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  Speaker 1: There's no way that we can do that just because
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  Speaker 1: we're afraid to say the words because we might not
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  Speaker 1: like the outcome because if they disregard our words, then
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  Speaker 1: we're going to have to go into action. And that
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  Speaker 1: is scary, right? Mind readers are generally not out there, y'all.
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  Speaker 1: So they cannot read our mind. And this nice girl
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  Speaker 1: pattern gets really interesting in relationships. Have you ever told
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  Speaker 1: someone it's okay and then remain mad that they believed you,
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  Speaker 1: like it's okay, like they didn't question it? We laugh
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  Speaker 1: at this because we've all done it, right?
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  Speaker 2: No, no, no, go ahead. It's fine. It's fine. Like totally.
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  Speaker 1: There is approximately 47 different ways a woman can say fine.
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  Speaker 1: And only one of them actually means fine. underneath all
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  Speaker 1: this humor is something very important. Why don't we say
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  Speaker 1: what we need?
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  Speaker 2: Why don't we do that? Maybe we didn't want to
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  Speaker 2: have a conflict. Maybe we didn't want them to figure
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  Speaker 2: it out.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe we wanted them to figure it out and come
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  Speaker 1: back to us because then we feel like they care
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  Speaker 1: about us. Maybe saying what we needed felt very vulnerable.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe somewhere along the way, we've learned that having needs
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  Speaker 1: made us seem needy or weak. So instead of communicating directly,
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  Speaker 1: we hint around, we withdraw. or we'll just be quiet,
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  Speaker 1: or we kind of get sarcastic. But we hope somebody
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  Speaker 1: notices so that we actually don't have to.
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  Speaker 2: Say it out loud.
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  Speaker 1: And then we're hurt when they don't. That's not because
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  Speaker 1: women are weak. Sometimes it's because we were never taught
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  Speaker 1: how to be direct. And that direct communication is actually
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  Speaker 1: very loving. Here is a diamond life principle that I
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  Speaker 1: want you to remember. Clarity is kindness. Clarity is kindness.
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  Speaker 1: If I love you, I want you to know where
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  Speaker 1: you stand with me. If something hurts me, I want
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  Speaker 1: to be able to tell you. If I need something,
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  Speaker 1: I can ask for something. If I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: do something, I can say no. If we disagree, I
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  Speaker 1: don't have to be mean or bitchy or punish you.
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  Speaker 1: And I don't have to disappear and hide and get
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  Speaker 1: silent treatment. I definitely don't have to gossip about you
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  Speaker 1: with all my friends and talk about how negative you
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  Speaker 1: in a negative sense. I can have a conversation. That's
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  Speaker 1: not being mean. That's being emotionally grown. And this is
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  Speaker 1: so powerful.
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  Speaker 2: I think of one.
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  Speaker 1: Biggest lie nice girls learn about the boundaries is that
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  Speaker 1: they're unkind. They're absolutely not unkind. A boundary isn't you
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  Speaker 1: have to do something different to make me feel better.
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  Speaker 2: It's not.
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  Speaker 1: A boundary is here is what I will do and
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  Speaker 1: here is what I will tolerate. That's very different than
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  Speaker 1: maybe somebody else constantly calls and keeps you on the
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  Speaker 1: phone for an hour and you don't want to say
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  Speaker 1: you talk too much, right? But you can say, I'm sorry,
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  Speaker 1: I have about 10 minutes. I'd love to catch up,
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  Speaker 1: but let's keep it to 10 minutes, right?
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  Speaker 2: Very different.
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  Speaker 1: So I would love for all of us to take
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  Speaker 1: a look at this and just say, okay, how can
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  Speaker 1: we say things that is still kind, but it's still
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  Speaker 1: setting our boundary.
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  Speaker 2: And no, we all say, I'm sorry, too much. I'm sorry.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Right. So try to, try to
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  Speaker 1: replace I'm sorry with thank you. So instead of I'm sorry,
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  Speaker 1: I'm running behind, you can say thank you for waiting.
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  Speaker 1: I'll be there in 10. Instead of sorry to bother you,
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  Speaker 1: instead say, do you have a minute? Instead of saying, sorry,
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  Speaker 1: but I disagree. How about, hey, I see that differently
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  Speaker 1: or I feel different. You're not becoming rude. You're becoming grounded.
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  Speaker 1: Hope that makes sense. Okay, so we have to have
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  Speaker 1: some homework.
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  Speaker 2: You know how it is.
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  Speaker 1: So what I would like to do for you all
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  Speaker 1: today is I want you to start thinking, who would
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  Speaker 1: I be if I stopped being, if I stopped needing
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  Speaker 1: everyone else to be so nice? Not thinking if you're
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  Speaker 1: going to become mean or stop caring, that's not what
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  Speaker 1: I mean. But if I would stop worrying about how
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  Speaker 1: everyone else is going to react, would I speak differently,
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  Speaker 1: dress differently? Would I spend my time differently? Would I
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  Speaker 1: start something new? Would I say something more often? Would
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  Speaker 1: I stop talking? Because if I have a feeling that
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: that we're not saying something that we really need to say.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: I want you to have a choice to be you.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: And I want you to become the woman that you
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: really should be becoming. We want to be generous. We
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: want to be loving. And we want to be fierce.
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  Speaker 2: We want to show up. We want to help others.
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  Speaker 2: We want to give. We want to care.
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  Speaker 1: And we need to do it by sharing our truth.
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  Speaker 1: You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed
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  Speaker 1: to say no. You are allowed to disappoint someone. And
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  Speaker 1: you are allowed to feel the feels after that. You
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  Speaker 1: are allowed to speak up. You are allowed to build
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  Speaker 1: a life that feels right to you. So being the
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  Speaker 1: nice girl doesn't need to disappear at all. We might
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  Speaker 1: want to just shift it a little bit as long
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  Speaker 1: as you're saying your truth and you are being you.
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  Speaker 1: Let the powerful woman sitting beside you right now, which
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  Speaker 1: is you, finally have a turn to speak. You can say,
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  Speaker 1: that doesn't work for me.
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  Speaker 2: Not a 10 minute explanation.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I did this and I did that and No,
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  Speaker 1: I see it differently, period. Like just ask yourself, what
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  Speaker 1: would happen if I actually told the truth? I hope
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  Speaker 1: this makes sense to y'all. It's gonna be the nice
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  Speaker 1: girl detox. So the next seven days, I want you
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  Speaker 1: to catch yourself in real time. Don't judge it, just
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  Speaker 1: notice it. Notice every time you say yes, when you
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  Speaker 1: want to say no. Notice every unnecessary, I'm sorry. Notice
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  Speaker 1: when you say, I don't care when you really do.
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  Speaker 1: Just notice when you're managing someone else's feelings before checking
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  Speaker 1: in with your own. At the end of the day,
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  Speaker 1: choose one moment and write this down. What was I
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  Speaker 1: afraid would happen if I told the truth? That is
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  Speaker 1: the deeper work that we're going to be working on here.
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  Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
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  Speaker 2: I love it.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: And I want all of us nice girls to be
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: nice and kind and loving. And I also want us
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: to be able to all show up to our true
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: selves because there's no way we can attract the wealth
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: and the abundance and the health and the happiness that
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: we deserve without showing up as our true selves. I
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: want you all to be able to Make sure that
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: you are being who you are. And then we're going
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: to add it to our money, y'all. And everything's going
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: to work out great. I want you to be able
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: to watch each one of these episodes and walk away
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: and say, hey, I rock my finances.
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: For more engagement and bonus content. Tell me, what is
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: your money story? Let's find out with Jennifer right here
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: on K4HD Radio and Talk4TV. It's not about the zero.
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: It's about the F word.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: Feelings.
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: Feelings Jennifer can't wait to explore with you next week.
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: Until then, let's all say, I rock my finances.