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The Roles We Were Born to Fill: Breaking Free from the Double Bind · The Executive Reset

• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: When I was in college, the movie Mona Lisa Smile came out, and I was obsessed with it.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I watched it again and again and again.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: There was something about it that really inspired me.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't come from a family that encouraged ambition in women or saw women as people with a lot of potential in business.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And even though the movie was set in an era where women were still so restricted, it really gave me a sense of possibility and opportunity that I hadn't seen elsewhere at the time.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was really so impactful for me, and I still think about it fairly regularly.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't seen it, the movie is set at Wellesley College in the early 1950s, I want to say.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's a part in the movie where one of the students writes an article in the school newspaper about the art history instructor.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Her name is Miss Watson, and I should say Ms.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Watson, not Mrs.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: She's unmarried, which is unusual for that time.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she's very much depicted as a feminist icon in the film.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Miss Watson's encouragement that women should explore traditionally male positions, like encouraging them to go to law school and to think beyond the role of wife and mother, it really threatens this one student who's caught in the tension of benefiting from the patriarchal system that really affords her so much privilege and also starting to recognize and see its cracks.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: So she writes about Ms.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Watson and declares that Miss Watson is declaring war on the holy sacrament of marriage by encouraging students to reject traditional paths.
• 2:18
  unknown: Ms.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Watson ultimately responds to the article in a fairly defeated way in front of the classroom and essentially says, here I am with the smartest women in the country.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't realize that by demanding excellence, I would be challenging the roles you were born to fill.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: That phrase has stuck with me for decades.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: The roles you were born to fill.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't that what all ambitious women are doing?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Challenging the roles we were born to fill.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: As girls, whether we were exposed to women who were making strides in their career or not, whether we were encouraged to own our power or not, we were all absorbing the subtle message that we had particular roles to fill and particular limitations to work inside of.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: So each of us in our own ways are fighting against roles that we were born to fill in a culture that does not value men, women as much as men.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is no secret, we all know this, but today I want to talk about this double bind because it's something that I have fought really hard against my whole life in a culture that did not want me to lead.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure you have too in your own ways.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to talk about the bind, but I also want to leave us with practical tools we can take.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because this show is really about leaving us empowered as opposed to despondent or discouraged.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So let's briefly start by just addressing the issue of the double bind.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: The core problem that we all know too well here is that leadership and femininity are stereotyped in opposite ways.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: So leadership is often coded as decisive and authoritative and tough.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: Women are often expected, sometimes unconsciously, to be warm and accommodating and collaborative.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: So a woman who shows the traits associated with leadership violates that second expectation of warmth and accommodation and collaboration.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And a woman who meets the second expectation can look like she lacks the first of being in leadership with decisive authoritative presence.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, she's evaluated against a standard that we know men in the same seat have never had to think about.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So given that we know that, practically, how do we see this come up?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: We see it come up when feedback lands different, a man pushes against something in a meeting and is seen as confident or driven, whereas a woman in the same meeting pushes back and is seen as aggressive or difficult.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: We see performance reviews show this pattern repeatedly, where women receive comments about their tone and personality, whereas men receive more comments about skills and results.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: A woman who is warm in business often that becomes a tax for her.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: If she's collegial and supportive, she's liked, but she's not seen as having executive presence.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: So then she might be passed over for roles while being praised as a great team leader, but not getting the promotion.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But directness also has a cost for women.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no or setting hard deadlines or delivering tough feedback can cause backlash that a male peer wouldn't face.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So then women spend time and energy cushioning and softening their responses.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I know so many of you are rehearsing yourself day in and day out just to try to make it land right.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is, this doesn't just cost us in the boardroom.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's also an emotional component to this.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: The real damage is often not the occasional bad review, but more the constant self-monitoring and self-doubt that can happen inside of us.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Before speaking, you're running a quiet calculation, asking yourself, is this too much?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Will this be read as cold?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Should I add a smile or a softener?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: This is cognitive and emotional work on top of your actual job.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's exhausting.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, it can erode authenticity.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would imagine that some of you have probably asked yourself, who am I at work versus who am I really?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: That there seems to be a disconnect.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this feeds self-doubt in us and leaves women either over-correcting or totally shutting down so as not to be seen as difficult.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: So what are we, what are the things that we can do about this?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want to leave us with.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: First, we have to name this as structural and not personal.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, there are going to be a few people of any gender that are just not doing a good job.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: But for the most part, if you're listening to this podcast, you are probably someone who's doing a really great job and is taking things personally that are structural.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the calibration problem is a bias problem, not a skill deficit.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And recognizing that helps us to reduce that self-blame and the self-doubt.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Next, we want to pair our strength with a clear purpose.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: So Reachers tells us that framing assertiveness around a team or organization's goals tends to draw less backlash than appearing self-serving.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is not fair, but it is a useful tool that we can frame things to help us both lead with authority and also be seen as helpful and kind and warm because we often are both.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Next, we can build a small circle of candid peers.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You want to find people who can reality check feedback with you and tell you when it's biased and tell you when it's useful.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because feedback is critical and we want to know where it's coming from before we take it in.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Then we want to decide where we're going to flex and where we're going to hold the line.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: So not every moment deserves calibration, and not every moment deserves you holding your ground.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: You want to ask yourself where the non-negotiables are.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you hold your power in front of a boss that has supported your ambition across many years.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then maybe you sit quietly through a meeting with an executive that you don't agree with that, but that you have seen repeatedly undermine women.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing where it's most important to you to exert your authority will help prevent the fatigue of constant vigilance.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, if you're a leader, it's really important to consider the impact on your organization or your employees when you start to change the script around performance evaluations to be more focused on specific behavior-based criteria rather than vague impressions like likability or presence.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So those are the five things that I want us to think about.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Name it as a structural problem, not a personal problem.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Pair your strength with a clear purpose, build a small circle of candid peers who can help you reality check feedback, decide where to hold your ground and where to flex, and then change the way that you're performing, that you're doing performance evaluations.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: All of that to say, we're all swimming upstream, and it's definitely not easy or fair, but the goal isn't for women to find the perfect middle ground.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's to get enough clarity and support to stop treating the bind as a personal failing, and then to put our energy where it actually changes outcomes.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that this is helpful for you and that you find a place in your own work life where you can implement this.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, I'm wishing you more peace, more power, and more purpose.