Latest / Two Broke Chicks / Asking For What You Want In Dating ft. Alyssa Harper

Transcript

Asking For What You Want In Dating ft. Alyssa Harper · Two Broke Chicks

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: This podcast is recorded on gaddigal Land Always was, always
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: will be Aboriginal Land.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Hey chicks, I'm soal and I'm out and this is
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: two broat chicks to show that shares life lessons and
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: tips to make you rich in life. And well, well,
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: well look who's back our friend, content creator and host
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: of the She Said.
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: Well podcast, Alissa?
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: How far?
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: I love?
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Hello?
• 0:32
  Speaker 5: We're so excited to have you back.
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: It's not good to be back. It feels like so
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: much has happened.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: I know, I want to go.
• 0:40
  Speaker 5: I knows a lot and change in twelve months.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: Hey know, but we've got you on because a bunch
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: of chicks have sent in their relationship and dating dilemmas,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: and given that's your area of expertise on your podcast
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: and on your platforms.
• 0:56
  Speaker 5: We were like, we need to bring Alissa in a
• 0:58
  Speaker 5: mother two cents.
• 0:59
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I love the tea. Yeah, I'm ready for it.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: We're gonna be talking all things like asking for what
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: you want in a relationship, breakups and even open relationships,
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: also being gay gay gay.
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: Sparkles and ramos, and you know.
• 1:19
  Speaker 5: It's gonna be a good episode. But before we get.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Into it, we like to start with our life lesson
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: of the week, So a Lisa, would you like to
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: kick us off?
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: I would love to kick us off. You know what's
• 1:29
  Speaker 4: clicked for me this week is that you can't put
• 1:33
  Speaker 4: on confidence, but you can put on a bit of
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: a brave face and kind of fake it till you
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: make it. What I like to focus on now instead
• 1:39
  Speaker 4: of confidence is self belief, and like, to me, self
• 1:43
  Speaker 4: belief is like actually backing yourself. And I have a
• 1:46
  Speaker 4: few little tips that has helped me this week. That
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: has helped me believe more in myself is one listing
• 1:50
  Speaker 4: out things that I've done really well and I'm really
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: proud of myself for things that can make me go like, actually,
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: I do have myself. Another one is surrounding myself with
• 1:59
  Speaker 4: people that believe in me and that believe in themselves,
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: because it means that if I share a big idea
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: with them, they're actually going to picture, oh, that could happen,
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: rather than putting their limiting beliefs on me. So that's
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: something I'm really trying to focus on. Something that's really
• 2:14
  Speaker 4: clicked for me is self belief over trying to fake confidence.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I love that because it is like a tip to
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: be like fake it till you make it like.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: Totally like hell, But the healthy option is to be like,
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: do you know what, No, bitch, you've got this.
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, take a second, like take a second to invest
• 2:30
  Speaker 4: in yourself and sit back and go like, no, okay,
• 2:33
  Speaker 4: I do believe in myself. Let's back that. Let's put
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: something in my brain so I can actually go into
• 2:37
  Speaker 4: this experience not trying to fake it that I'm confident,
• 2:40
  Speaker 4: but going like, no, I've actually got this and I've
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: got me. I love that.
• 2:44
  Speaker 5: That's a great piece of advice. Boring but practical. Okay, Okay, so.
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: Now being practical as they were boring.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: And also it might be a bit stupid, but I
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: didn't know this, and my boyfriend didn't know it either, Okay.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Inside your quilt sometimes yeah, And then on your quilt
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: you'll have these little rubber holders, I suppose, and you
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: tie those around the corners of your quilt to keep
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: it in place so it doesn't end up all lumpy.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: And yet like one side of the bed is like
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: covered in rags and the other is like all cozys. Yeah,
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: because I always get stuck with the rags every time.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: And then I was like, what are these little things.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: When I washed my sheets the other day and I
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: was like, no way, no way.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but then we can't do like you still got
• 3:41
  Speaker 3: to do that?
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I guess yeah, you know, you like get the corners
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: and then you've got to flip it to the end,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: so you're like, yeah.
• 3:49
  Speaker 5: But it would be like whin two days it was
• 3:51
  Speaker 5: a lumpy mess. I couldn't believe it again.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: I've asked you to stop calling me that one babe.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: Embrace there, but if you're quilt doesn't have it, I
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: googled it and you can buy the attachments.
• 4:03
  Speaker 4: To click to the end.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: So yeah, there you go. There you go love it.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so a lot of people are probably like, no
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: fucking ship sound.
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: I've been doing that.
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Mine is also pretty pretty poor, but it's just a
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: little brecky if anyone wants to try it. It's my
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: new favorite breakfast that I'm hyper fixated on at the moment,
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: and it's crumpets with ntella and strawberries.
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: Can you explain to me what a crumpet is?
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: What the fuck is wrong with you?
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: You never had a crumpet like I just it's giving flaky?
• 4:38
  Speaker 5: Is that not at all? It's more of a like
• 4:42
  Speaker 5: bungey sort of texture.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: If anything, I can't I don't explain a crumpet to
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: explain to speak goodness out. They're like crispy on the bottom,
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: and then they're like bouncy and almost a bungee yeah,
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: on the top. So then if you put natella or
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: like peanut butter and honey, it like sinks into the holes.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: Are going to bring something into it?
• 5:09
  Speaker 5: Not only is it on the top, but.
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: I'm let's get into it. Our number one dating dilemma.
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: Do you want to kick ourselves out?
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: How to bring the spice in the bedroom when living
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: with your partner long term in a rut? And any
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: tips for asking for what you want in a relationship,
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: you know what.
• 5:32
  Speaker 4: I think this is something that has not talked about enough.
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: I've heard so many women say to me that they're
• 5:38
  Speaker 4: in a relationship long term and they don't know how
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: to initiate because they're at that point where everything is
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: very comfortable and they have these routines with their partner,
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: and it feels almost scarier later on in the relationship
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: than it did at the start because things are just
• 5:55
  Speaker 4: so consistent. I always like to encourage people to have open,
• 6:00
  Speaker 4: honest conversations with their partner, but how you go about
• 6:03
  Speaker 4: that conversation is so important. My biggest thing to start
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: out with saying do not do this is do not
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: sit down and make your partner feel bad for not
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: having those experiences as often or initiating as often, because
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: they're probably struggling in the exact same way that you are.
• 6:22
  Speaker 4: And it's hard for a lot of people to talk
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: about sex, especially when you're later in the relationship. I
• 6:28
  Speaker 4: was actually talking to a friend about this the other day,
• 6:29
  Speaker 4: and we thought it was really interesting because at the start,
• 6:31
  Speaker 4: it's kind of like fun and free and it's like
• 6:33
  Speaker 4: who cares what happens tire on the relationship, you've established
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: a bit of expectation and almost like you're a bit
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: more concerned about if that partner is going to be
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: judging you constantly based off of like if they want
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: to continue to be with you. Like it's almost like
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: the stakes are higher, so it can get harder to
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: talk about. You've got more to lose, exactly.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: The hurt. Hurt, Like you scared of the hurt because
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: it's going to be more significant because you're obviously a
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: lot more invested in this past.
• 7:03
  Speaker 4: Absolutely, it's just like more on the table kind of thing.
• 7:08
  Speaker 4: But I always recommend that people do sit down and
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: they have a conversation and they just start by saying
• 7:13
  Speaker 4: I love when we have sex, or like I love that,
• 7:17
  Speaker 4: I love this about when we have sex, or I
• 7:19
  Speaker 4: love connecting with you, I love our intimacy, I love
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: X y Z. I want to have more of that. Yeah,
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: rather than going we're not doing this or not or
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: if you're not meeting my expectation, it's going I really
• 7:32
  Speaker 4: love this part of us. How can we amplify that
• 7:34
  Speaker 4: and actually being the one to start the conversation and
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: even give ideas like why don't we sit down and
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: we play There's so many of these that you can
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: get one of those card games where you sit and
• 7:43
  Speaker 4: you ask each other's questions about sex, or why don't
• 7:46
  Speaker 4: we sit down and we go on a date, or
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: we do something special rite anything, we watch a movie,
• 7:51
  Speaker 4: we watch the thing a little bit spicy together. I
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: don't know, you know, you do something like that to go,
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: here's me coming forward. I want more of this, and
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: here's my ideas, and here's how we can do that,
• 7:59
  Speaker 4: and actually taking the rather than putting it all on them.
• 8:02
  Speaker 5: They can't read your mind exactly. They don't know what
• 8:05
  Speaker 5: you want.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: And I think if you if there's something particular that
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: you want to do, you can say I want to
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: do this with you, like I love when we do this,
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: and I would really love to explore this with you,
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: so that they feel included in that and that it's
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: more like, no, I still get turned on by you,
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: and the thought of doing this with you is what
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: turns me on, not like you're not giving me this,
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: you're not giving me enough. It's like I want to
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: expand rather than focusing on what you're not doing.
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: Absolutely.
• 8:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's good to change up the routine
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: as well.
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: I don't know if you're always having sex in bed, Yeah,
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: go on couch, Yeah, go in the kitchen.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, fix it up, or change the time of day
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: that you're doing it, or be like a bit more
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: like flirty or whatever in public, or like something like,
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: just shake up the routine somehow so it isn't always
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: on a Sunday night.
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, eight o'clock.
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: I'm the scheduling a little bit.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I'm really wrong with it as well, because I feel
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: like when you do live a really busy life. I
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: think one thing that someone said that I cannot remember,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: but it was like sex can sometimes feel like a task,
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: And I think that's why when you have a really
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: really busy life, sex becomes a task. It doesn't become
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: like the connection and amazing relationship that you physically have
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: with someone.
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: It becomes something you have to do.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: So I think also understanding that you don't have to
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: always want to have sex all the time is also
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: a really point in that because I think we look
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: at relationships and we're like and we get like comparison
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: trap of being like we see articles being like how
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: much you should have sex a week with your partner,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: and it's like that is ridiculous because there is.
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: No said amount of time.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: There is no amount that you're supposed to be having
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: sex with your partner. That is going to change like
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: every single week depending on what's happening.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: It's going to change with your cycle.
• 9:56
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so many things that change how often we want
• 9:59
  Speaker 4: to have sex, like why we want to and like
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: you said, with your cycle, that's a huge one. But
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: also stress in people's lives, like there's so many outside
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: things and if you're in a position I want to
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: say specifically to you listening right now. If you're in
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: a position where you're thinking, Wow, my partner doesn't want
• 10:15
  Speaker 4: to have sex with me, they don't want me, there
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: must be something wrong with me, and you're analyzing how
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: you look or how you're showing up, take a second
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: and recognize that, like you are a piece of the puzzle,
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: but you aren't the whole puzzle. And don't judge yourself, Like,
• 10:28
  Speaker 4: don't look at yourself and think, oh, I'm the problem,
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: I'm not sexy enough, I need to do this, this,
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: and this, because it's so likely that that's not the case.
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: And we're so hard on ourselves sometimes and do you
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: know what your.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Partner might turn around and being like, oh, I was
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: thinking about this too, like yeah, you can do it. Yeah,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: And also like spend a little bit of sexy time
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: on your own, Like there were times that I'm like,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like I have sex, I feel
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: like masturbating, and I'll do that stiff Oh yeah, learn
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: what you like.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:53
  Speaker 3: Then point we'll get home and it'll be like, why
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: is your little friend in.
• 10:58
  Speaker 4: Just one and every room.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: It's called pinky in the brain in the rain don't
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: sing the.
• 11:07
  Speaker 5: Song We're weird, we are weird. Best friends don't have
• 11:12
  Speaker 5: theme songs with the other ones. Vibrator ship any.
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: Best friends don't name their friends. Vibright of Sound named my.
• 11:19
  Speaker 5: Vibrator the brain, you should vibrator.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: And I started calling it pinky, and then so would
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: be like thinking in the brain, which is a children Yeah.
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: I am going to start doing that.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: When you do that like twice this morning, I'm into it.
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: It's so fun.
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: Do you know what it is?
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: It's the equivalent of like what an odd thing to say?
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Like, I know, if someone tries to be like sassy
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: or like maybe they're being a bit underhanded to you,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: and you can just be like, what an odd thing
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: to say?
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: I'll be like that's a bit weirdh.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: And then like.
• 11:54
  Speaker 3: Being like, oh, like you tyed your hair.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: I think I like to better, like a little bit lighter,
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: And you're like, that's a.
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: Great example how to use it. I like that.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm taking it, and I'm running.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Okay, dating dilemma number two, I'll add this one.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: That's a nice boulder.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: Thoughts on discovering your bye while in a relationship. Should
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: I ask for an open relationship. I think this is
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: a two part of.
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: It's a two parter for sure, because I can wait
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: first of all, realizing you're buying the relationship. I think
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: we start there because I feel like, I, look, I've
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: been through this situation to feel you guys in Okay.
• 12:34
  Speaker 4: I think coming on as bisexual is probably going to
• 12:37
  Speaker 4: happen in its own time. I feel like naturally someone
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: wouldn't have that experience and go straight into wanting open relationship.
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: I mean maybe, but I feel like it usually needs
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: to kind of expand I would definitely have that conversation
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: with your partner and tell them and talk to them
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: about your sexuality and be open and honest about it
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: if you feel safe and like you are able to
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: do that. We know the statistics when it comes to
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: queer people, and being able to come out is so
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: much better for your mental health obviously if you have
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: the safe space to do that. So obviously begin there
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: and then have that conversation ask them how it makes
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: them feel. I was in a relationship with a man
• 13:19
  Speaker 4: and I always knew I was bisexual, or I always
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: knew I was not straight.
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: But why am I Bobby's always scissoring?
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: It seems to be happening a lot like that.
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: One scene in Charlie's Angels.
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: And in that relationship, like I knew I was, and
• 13:40
  Speaker 4: there was always like kind of jokes about it, but
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: I had never actually said, oh, I want to I
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: want to come out and I want to be able
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: to say I'm bisexual so that people know that is
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: what I aligned with, because I almost feel like I'm
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: at the point where if someone asks me if I'm straight,
• 13:52
  Speaker 4: I'm saying yes, but I'm lying, and I know I'm lying,
• 13:54
  Speaker 4: and it started to feel really uncomfortable for me. And
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: I had had that moment already where I'd written down
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: I'm bisexual journal and I'd cried and I'd gone wow,
• 14:02
  Speaker 4: like this is so real for me. It was just
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: time for me to bring that into my relationship and
• 14:06
  Speaker 4: make that kind of like an official thing. So I
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: did that and it did actually bring up things in
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: the conversation where he was going, Honestly, sometimes I feel
• 14:15
  Speaker 4: like you have two cups and I'm only fieling one
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: of them, and I'm worried that that cup isn't being filled.
• 14:21
  Speaker 4: And it was my job to make sure that he
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: knew that that wasn't the reality of it, and I
• 14:27
  Speaker 4: didn't feel that way at all. And I think it's
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: really important, especially with this question, to note that bisexual
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: people can have monogamous relationships and be happy in them.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 14:36
  Speaker 4: That's you don't need to experience non monogamy to be
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: a happy bisexual. But non monogamy is a great option
• 14:44
  Speaker 4: for people who want to explore when they're in a relationship,
• 14:47
  Speaker 4: and it requires a lot being an open relationship. When
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: I was, I definitely learned it took a lot of
• 14:53
  Speaker 4: communication and a lot of honesty, like a lot of
• 14:57
  Speaker 4: being honest with yourself too, Like if you're part partner
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: is going on a date with somebody, or they're having
• 15:03
  Speaker 4: sexual experiences with somebody, you have to honestly sit there
• 15:06
  Speaker 4: and ask yourself, Okay, how does this make me feel?
• 15:08
  Speaker 4: And if I feel jealous, that's okay, that's normal. What
• 15:12
  Speaker 4: am I going to do with that emotion? Do I
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: want to express that to my partner? Is this something
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: we want to keep doing? If it is, how can
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: we work on that together? And it's about consistently opening
• 15:22
  Speaker 4: up to each other and having those conversations and checking in,
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: and it's a lot of work. But it is something
• 15:27
  Speaker 4: that is a really, really great option. I know a
• 15:29
  Speaker 4: lot of people who are non monogamous who have great relationships,
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: and I still think it's an amazing thing.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: So I love that.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: How would you go about potentially opening up that conversation.
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: About non monogamy. Yeah, it's a hard question to answer
• 15:45
  Speaker 4: because it's one of those things that when you do
• 15:47
  Speaker 4: say it, like, you can't take it back really, right.
• 15:50
  Speaker 4: If you're in a relationship with somebody and you sit
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: down with them and you say I want to see
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: other people or I want to do X y Z
• 15:57
  Speaker 4: with other people whatever, that looks like they know, I
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: don't know that that want is there for you. But
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: the alternative is you denying yourself and not being honest
• 16:06
  Speaker 4: with yourself and keeping that in for yourself. And I
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: think as a good partner, you would want your partner
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: to share that with you. So it is a tough
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: thing to go into and it can be very nerve wracking, honestly,
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: Like this is just a little bit of like I
• 16:20
  Speaker 4: don't know. I'm not saying you should definitely do this,
• 16:22
  Speaker 4: but I did this and I think it really helped me.
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: Was like just kind of testing the waters like just
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: kind of being like, you know, so like my friends
• 16:29
  Speaker 4: are like non monogamous. Do you think that's so crazy? R?
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: WHATY just like testing it out like just kind of
• 16:35
  Speaker 4: like like do you think that's like so insane or
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: like what do you think? You know? And just kind
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: of like putting it out there, putting out feelers. I
• 16:43
  Speaker 4: think that's like a really honestly, I think it's a
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: good way to just like have a conversation because you
• 16:48
  Speaker 4: never know your partner can turn around and look at
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: you and be like, Honestly, I think it's like really cool,
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: Like it works for a lot of couples, and like
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: I just not that I'm saying I want to do it,
• 16:55
  Speaker 4: but maybe you know, I could see myself and you
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: might be like, holy shit, Okay, let's go have this
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: conversation right now. So I think feelings are good.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, it gives you a bit of an idea
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: of where they stand before you know. The stakes are
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: super high and you're really putting yourself out there, which
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: I still think is really important. But I can give
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: you a little bit of confidence to have that conversation maybe. Yeah.
• 17:16
  Speaker 4: And it's it's like I said earlier, coming to it
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: like with empathy and asking a question like what do
• 17:21
  Speaker 4: you think about this thing? Rather than this is what
• 17:23
  Speaker 4: I want. I'm not getting enough in this relationship. And
• 17:26
  Speaker 4: often people feel those feelings and it's totally fine. It's
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: fine to feel that. It's fine to feel frustrated, to
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: feel like I need something else, But take those emotions,
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: sit with them, and then go into the conversation in
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: the way that you would want someone to show up
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: for you exactly.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and as well, I don't want you to panic either, because,
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: like as someone who is by I don't really like
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: the labels, but like you know, take of the conversation
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: sake of the conversation, like kiss people I want to kiss,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: and like vibe people that I vibe with, Like my
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: partner is straight, and where you're in like a monogol
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: mis relationship and it's not a death sentence to it,
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: Like it's actually kind of fun because we go on
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: and reward for rom coms and I'm like yes, smash
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: and he's like which one, I'm like boos, and like
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I feel like with and that hasn't
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: necessarily been with all partners as well.
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: I think you've got to be with the right person.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: But I do think like if you feel comfortable to
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: do so, your relationship will be strengthened by sharing it
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: with your partner. Absolutely, And like that might take time,
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: it might not be something that you feel comfortable doing
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: right now, but definitely like sitting with that and thinking
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: about that, about sharing that with your partner will only
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: help strengthen the relationship because I couldn't imagine like hiding
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: that from my partner now. And just because you're hiding
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: a part of yourself, like it's who you are, and
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: that's an amazing thing.
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, gay people do it better.
• 18:51
  Speaker 4: Anyway.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: Before this episode, we're looking at photos of me before
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: I was like comfortable with my sexuality and fucking it
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: was boring, I know.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: But with like my little like blonde hair.
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: And like there's nothing, there's something.
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: Likely And I just look at photos and I look
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: at like who I was when I didn't know who
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: I was, and I'm like, I.
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: Don't know who that is totally. I don't know that girl.
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: She didn't know who she was either.
• 19:25
  Speaker 5: She had coffin nails and everything. It's like a Pokemon evolution.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: Meant to me. Okay, dating dilemma number three. We broke
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: up three months ago and I was devastated, finally starting
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: to feel better, but they reached out asking to catch up.
• 19:47
  Speaker 3: What should I do?
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: I don't know if I want to get back together
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: or whether I can be friends with them.
• 19:54
  Speaker 5: We this is so odd.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Can I just say before we get into it, the
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: breakup glow up is like the best thing in the world.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: It's like, the breakup glow up is so dangerous because
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: you look so good and you look so fine that
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: they will come crawling back. Like every time, I think
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: everyone comes back at least once after a breakup, every
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: breakup I've had, they've always come back at least once.
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: Because you look fucking fire.
• 20:28
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and you're like more confident.
• 20:30
  Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, this clear skin.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're like.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Yourself again, And I feel like that's the thing. It's like,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: I can't remember where I saw this, was probably on
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: the internet somewhere, and it was like women feel the
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: breakup the hardest when it happens, but men feel the
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: breakup the hardest like three months later. And it's like,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: obviously you cannot paint everyone with the same brush, but
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: typically I feel like, especially in like heterosexual relationships, that's
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: like what you tend to say.
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: I so see that. Yeah, I see that all the time.
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: I feel like often women will like feel it quickly
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: and almost like internalized actually like take it in and
• 21:11
  Speaker 4: like process it and be like, Okay, this sucks so bad,
• 21:14
  Speaker 4: I'm gonna feel it all and like now I'm gonna
• 21:16
  Speaker 4: go and do it I need to do on my forward. Yeah,
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: Whereas I think there is a lot less like worgans
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: around emotion that are taught to men, so they actually
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: sometimes don't know how to process certain things that are happening,
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: but they'll feel it later. It'll kind of hit them later.
• 21:31
  Speaker 4: And often it's like action. You see more action rather
• 21:34
  Speaker 4: than like emotions and talking through it and processing it obviously,
• 21:38
  Speaker 4: so general yes, that's generalizing, but I see that.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, right, Okay, So three months ago she was devastated,
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: but she's slaying the game. Now, well she's finally started
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: to feel better. But they've reached out asking.
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: To catch up. What should I do?
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to get back together
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: or whether I can be friends with him. I think
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: the fact that getting back together is even potentially something
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: on your mind is a little bit of a red flag.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:06
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think I want to be empathetic here, I
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: really do. I also am just like if I know,
• 22:13
  Speaker 4: if I were your best friend, i'd be like, girl,
• 22:15
  Speaker 4: I'd be like, get delete that number. You know it
• 22:22
  Speaker 4: was blocked, Like what are you doing? Because in like,
• 22:25
  Speaker 4: she's saying she was devastated, and if she's still using
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: the language that it was devastating, there's probably still some
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: vibes going on where she's still feeling that and that
• 22:34
  Speaker 4: is totally fine. But you as she's saying, she's starting
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: to feel better, let's keep it, let's ride that way.
• 22:44
  Speaker 4: Like in my mind, I'm just like, like you said,
• 22:47
  Speaker 4: if there's this potential of, oh maybe we could get
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: back together, Oh maybe we could be friends, I would
• 22:52
  Speaker 4: say right now, friends probably off the table.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: If there's even a thought that you could get back together, Like,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: there is so many little things. I don't think it's
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: impossible to be friends with an ex. I do think
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: it is very hard, ye, Like, I think I know one.
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: Couple that has still be able to do it.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: I know one person that I think is still friends
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: with their X and like genuinely genuinely friends. Yeah, And
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: I feel the difference there though, is that after the breakup,
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: there was never really a question of getting back together.
• 23:28
  Speaker 5: Yes, it was like, no, we're friends now.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: Whereas because this is like weighing up, could we be
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: I think you're going to end up falling back into.
• 23:37
  Speaker 5: It and wanting to go into a relationship.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Probably because it feels comfortable and it feels safe and
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: you probably miss them and miss having a relationship. Yeah,
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: but it sounds like you're making a lot of progress
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: now and I think that you could potentially be taking
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: a few steps back if you go into that catch
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: up And also ask yourself genuinely, what are you going
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: to get from the catch up?
• 23:58
  Speaker 4: You guys know that.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Me, it's like, no, I'm going to go get closure.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: And it's a brat style with a hair or messy
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: And that was.
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: Me, Like that's it. That's what I'm thinking, is like
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: it's so easy for us to want to go dip
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: our toes back in and like we consider all day
• 24:18
  Speaker 4: home with excuses and like rationalize it and be like
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: it's closure, And like a lot of the time life
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: just doesn't offer us closure in the way that we
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: want it or we think we're supposed to get it.
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: Like I think a lot of the time, closure looks
• 24:32
  Speaker 4: like sitting back and like accepting within yourself and working
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: through it yourself. Maybe eventually a conversation with that person
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: could help you work through a few things that happen
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: in the relationship. Maybe you want to talk about some things.
• 24:44
  Speaker 4: But like, statistically speaking, you know, I mean, it's not
• 24:48
  Speaker 4: looking good.
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: I feel like staggering.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: A breakup is literally the equivalent to like after paying
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: your heartbreak being like, no, we catch up, but like no, maybe,
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: I mean, like on and off, you just are like
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: having after pay installments of heartbreak.
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: It just hurts. And you know that person with the
• 25:08
  Speaker 4: lens of being in a relationship. So if you're hanging
• 25:10
  Speaker 4: out with them, well, yeah, you act as if you're
• 25:12
  Speaker 4: in a relationship or it feels weird to not so
• 25:16
  Speaker 4: you feel everything so much more. Yeah, it's just even
• 25:19
  Speaker 4: picturing this right now, I'm like, this looks painful. Like
• 25:21
  Speaker 4: I want you to know, lass, I don't want you
• 25:23
  Speaker 4: to expect. I'm like, please don't, yeah, just keep going.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, do you know what, collectively, as your best friends,
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: we're hitting like the block button for you.
• 25:31
  Speaker 5: Yeah. I feel like what you.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: Could do is you could reply and you could say, look,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: I'm still taking some time to process the breakup. I
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: appreciate your reaching out, but I'm not quite ready to
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: speak and.
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: Potentially blocking yeah.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: Because I don't think from that boundary being set, any
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: further conversation is good conversation to have. Like, if they're
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: going to try and convince you to go, that's probably.
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: Going to be really hard to say no to.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: So setting a boundary being like, I really appreciate you
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: reaching out, I'm still taking some time to process the breakup,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: but wish you all the best, And then like a
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: little block button, even if it's just for like a week,
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: just so you don't get the response.
• 26:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah, in the heat of the moment.
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Dating dilemma number four. Okay, well I love this one.
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: How to find your own hobbies. So hard to juggle work,
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: relationships and everything else. So you mentioned on your IG
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: story how although you're in a relationship, it's been so
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: nice embracing your own time and independence while dating.
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: So teach us.
• 26:35
  Speaker 4: Look, look, I have been the person to go into
• 26:41
  Speaker 4: a relationship and make them my life. Yeah, and listen
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: to the music they listen to and go to the
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: places I'm calling some people out here listen to go
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: to the places they go to get really comfortable with
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: doing the things that they like, and sometimes even so
• 26:59
  Speaker 4: that they like me more. Like sometimes because I think, oh,
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: if I'm relating with them, They're gonna feel like I'm
• 27:04
  Speaker 4: so in their world and they're gonna love me so much.
• 27:06
  Speaker 4: And it's been like a subconscious thing that I've noticed
• 27:09
  Speaker 4: myself do in my younger years of dating. I've now
• 27:12
  Speaker 4: learned that it is so much hotter and more fun,
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: and you feel better in yourself if you hold on
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: to who you are in a relationship. If someone meets
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: you and they go, wow, I love this person that
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: I've just met, we should go on a date, we
• 27:27
  Speaker 4: should hang out, or we should have this kind of relationship.
• 27:30
  Speaker 4: They are meeting you because they like you and they
• 27:33
  Speaker 4: like the things about you, so don't try to become them.
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: Like and I think people.
• 27:38
  Speaker 5: Don't want to date them.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it's real.
• 27:44
  Speaker 4: So I think it's really important to hold on to
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: who you are in a relationship, not out of fear
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: that you're not going to have that relationship one day,
• 27:53
  Speaker 4: but so that you don't lose yourself. Like, keeping yourself
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: is so important and you've lived your whole life and
• 28:00
  Speaker 4: you've learned so many things and you've picked up different
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: like hobbies, Like for me, it's like playing piano and
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: doing music and yeah, bitch, ye.
• 28:12
  Speaker 5: Can do It's not fair, it stupid piano.
• 28:18
  Speaker 4: Please allow me.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: It's like.
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: The one song everyone knows it's good.
• 28:28
  Speaker 4: Though, like something like that for me, playing piano, like singing,
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: doing like beauty and like makeup stuff, my content, everything
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: that I do, Like, I know, I love those things.
• 28:37
  Speaker 4: And if I were to be with somebody that wasn't
• 28:41
  Speaker 4: encourage me, encouraging me to do those things. And also
• 28:44
  Speaker 4: if they didn't have their own things, I just wouldn't
• 28:46
  Speaker 4: be able to handle it. Like I need someone who
• 28:49
  Speaker 4: is firm in themselves enough they enjoy the things that
• 28:53
  Speaker 4: they enjoy. They have their own life going on that
• 28:55
  Speaker 4: I'm allowed to have my own life going on. And
• 28:58
  Speaker 4: I think that just allows you to walk into every
• 29:01
  Speaker 4: space as who you are. You're not going, oh yeah,
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: let me ask my boyfriend if I can. Oh yeah,
• 29:07
  Speaker 4: let me see what we're doing that night.
• 29:09
  Speaker 5: Oh, couples that talk in ways, right, Yeah, it's.
• 29:13
  Speaker 4: To be your own person. You want to hold on
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: to those things that you've always wanted to do and
• 29:18
  Speaker 4: keep going on them. And sometimes people say that relationships
• 29:21
  Speaker 4: will hold you back from going after what you want.
• 29:24
  Speaker 4: I don't fully think that. I think you can absolutely
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: have a great relationship with somebody and also go after
• 29:30
  Speaker 4: what you want, But you just need the boundaries to
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: do that. You need to make sure that you're still
• 29:34
  Speaker 4: on top of you. Yeah, enjoying you like you have
• 29:37
  Speaker 4: so much to offer, don't mimic that person you're with.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it's like viewing relationships as like a team,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: but like parallel. So it's like you're going through all
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: the steps of your life, but you're doing it like together,
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: like you're there to support each other. They're like intertwine
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: at times, and then also there to be independent. Yeah.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: I think if you are already in a relationship and
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: you found yourself with all the same friends, all the
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: same hobbies, you spend all your time together, you can
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: pursue something just for yourself without it being a big deal.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: Like you can be like, oh, I've decided that I'm
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: actually going to start doing piano lessons because that's something
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: that you can only do on your own. Or I
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: want to do pilates, so I'm going to go do
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: this class every Sunday and that's just for me. You're
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: not coming, or like make an effort to reach out
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: to your girlfriends and be like I'm having a girl's
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: night tonight, or like, you know, every Wednesday, I go
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: and get dinner with my best friend.
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: It's therapeutic too.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: And time away from your partner and got a whinge
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: about your partner. Yeah, Like, you can have the most beautiful, amazing,
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: wonderful partner in the world, but there's going.
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: To be times where they fuck you up the wall,
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: both in good ways and bad ways.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: You want to talk about them both with your girlfriends,
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: but it's just like stupid things that you need your
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: girl time that's not your identity mixed with your partner. Yeah,
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: and encourage your partner to do the same thing, yeah,
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: because like, yeah, it's so important to invest that time
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: in yourself.
• 31:02
  Speaker 5: But also then you actually have shit to talk about.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: With each other because if you do everything together, you're like,
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: oh my god, I saw this movie.
• 31:09
  Speaker 5: Oh yeah, you were fucking there because you're.
• 31:11
  Speaker 4: Always Yeah, prioritize your alone time and prioritize your friendships absolutely,
• 31:19
  Speaker 4: Like even my boyfriend and I. We've had moments where
• 31:21
  Speaker 4: I've been like, yeah, come to pilates, come do this,
• 31:23
  Speaker 4: come do that, and we've done all these things together,
• 31:25
  Speaker 4: and then we've gone to the point where we've gone, actually,
• 31:27
  Speaker 4: I'm going to like go alone, like ick alone, I'm
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: going to do this alone. And it was kind of
• 31:32
  Speaker 4: funny like going back like getting close with everything and
• 31:35
  Speaker 4: being like, actually, just.
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: Get it, I'm alone.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: Normal alone because at the start, you're like, yeah, I
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: want to like crawl inside your skin.
• 31:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like I'm obsessed with you.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: And then you're like, I don't know, maybe like let's
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: say six months, but it's different for everyone. You're like,
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: I haven't sat and read a book by myself.
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: In a really long time, and I really like doing that.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: And you start kind of leveling out in terms of
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: like the healthy routine time together and time apart, especially
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: when you start living with each other. Yeah, when that's
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: when it blurs. So it's like when my when I
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: need my Loane time, I'm like you.
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: Should play Xbox, It's.
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: Like yes, And he's like you can go read your
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: fairy porn book and I'm like yes.
• 32:19
  Speaker 3: So it's just like little things like that.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay. Our last dilemma, Yeah, dilemma number five, he's
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: moving for work.
• 32:29
  Speaker 5: We've been together for five years and are happy.
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: Do I make the push to move in with him?
• 32:37
  Speaker 5: So long distance relationships? Hey, what do we think I have?
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: Look?
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: First of all, I have kind of questions about this
• 32:44
  Speaker 4: one because I feel like there's so much context that
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: you need for this kind of decision. You've been together
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: for five years and you're happy moving for work, but
• 32:53
  Speaker 4: you're moving in with him, So I don't know if
• 32:55
  Speaker 4: they were living together before.
• 32:56
  Speaker 5: Sounds like they weren't.
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: Like they were I think they would have been.
• 33:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, let's go with that.
• 33:02
  Speaker 4: Okay, so they're living together before? Also, how far are
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: we going?
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: Question?
• 33:09
  Speaker 4: How far is this long distance? So I have to say,
• 33:12
  Speaker 4: out of all of these dilemmas, this is the only
• 33:14
  Speaker 4: one that I'm like, I'm actually going into this. My
• 33:17
  Speaker 4: boyfriend is about to be moving to LA for about
• 33:20
  Speaker 4: six months. Eli's a far aways away from Sydney, like
• 33:23
  Speaker 4: ah haarways away. We've only been together for about eight
• 33:27
  Speaker 4: months something, So it's one of those things where I'm
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: I have this. I'm like, do I go to l
• 33:33
  Speaker 4: Way for a bit? Like, what do I do? I
• 33:36
  Speaker 4: think the hardest thing right now is going how do
• 33:40
  Speaker 4: I enjoy the moment and what we have right now
• 33:42
  Speaker 4: before he goes away, because naturally there will be a shift.
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: Ye.
• 33:46
  Speaker 4: What I'm doing in this scenario, like, because this is
• 33:48
  Speaker 4: literally me right now, is letting him go, taking some
• 33:53
  Speaker 4: time to see how the long distance feels, planning a
• 33:57
  Speaker 4: trip to go and visit, but not committing to a
• 34:01
  Speaker 4: full move, because I think every relationship has its different
• 34:05
  Speaker 4: seasons and shifts regardless, but obviously this is a big
• 34:10
  Speaker 4: thing that's going to cause this person's relationship to shift.
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: I would take it one day at a time and
• 34:16
  Speaker 4: take it step by step because that's what I'm doing,
• 34:18
  Speaker 4: and it's the only thing that's given me peace. Because
• 34:21
  Speaker 4: if I picture myself in six months like missing him
• 34:24
  Speaker 4: like crazy, or I picture myself in a year and
• 34:27
  Speaker 4: I'm going, what if it doesn't work out, It's yeah,
• 34:32
  Speaker 4: it doesn't actually help you. I think, take it day
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: at a time, see how you feel, let him go,
• 34:38
  Speaker 4: let him move, take your little long distance moment, see
• 34:41
  Speaker 4: how you feel you It might hit you and you
• 34:43
  Speaker 4: might just be like, you know what, this is killing me.
• 34:45
  Speaker 4: I love this person. I'll do anything for this person,
• 34:47
  Speaker 4: I know, I can have an opportunity out there. Let's go,
• 34:50
  Speaker 4: let's make that jump. Yeah, but you also might not
• 34:52
  Speaker 4: feel that way. You just don't know, And I think
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: you have to give things time sometimes and not expect
• 34:57
  Speaker 4: that you're gonna have the answer straight away and.
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: Just maybe taking it as it comes, like taking every
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: day as it comes. Yeah. I think having the trip,
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: like having a trip to go visit them, like maybe
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: not taking the plunge like you said at the start,
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: seeing how it goes, but having like a trip booked
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: in either way, like he comes back to visit you
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: or you go to visit him, is something that's really
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: helpful because you've always got something to look forward to, totally.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And then I think as well, because then if
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: you do decide to move there with them, then it's
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: still your choice. You've still made a conscious decision saying no,
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: I'm doing this for me because I went there and
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: I actually loved it.
• 35:35
  Speaker 5: I loved the city, I loved the vibe, like I
• 35:38
  Speaker 5: could really see myself living there. And you're not following
• 35:42
  Speaker 5: this person.
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: Purely for them, because if you do that and then
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: you end up there and you don't like it, you
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: could end up resenting your partner for feeling like you've
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: been dragged away from the rest of your life just
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: for them in quotation marks. But it is your life too,
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: And I think that if you go there and kind
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: of life take it day by day, see what it's
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: like doing long distance, but then also see what it's
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: like having a relationship in a different place together and
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: how that works. It gives you options and you feel
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: like you have a little bit more control and choice
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: and a say in the situation. Because we've had somebody
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: writing before and they were living on a farm in
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: like a rural area with their partner because their partner
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: owned a farm, and they felt like they had no
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: choice but to go because they loved their partner so much,
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: but they really were starting to resent it and felt trapped,
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: didn't have any friends, didn't really like their job, and
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: felt like kind of.
• 36:35
  Speaker 5: This pool because they were like, well, I have to
• 36:37
  Speaker 5: stay here.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: For my partner. So yeah, yeah, I think that's a
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: good way to sort of test the waters. And yet
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: it's like then you take it day by day, it's
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: not like a huge shock.
• 36:45
  Speaker 4: And I think fool that you're talking about is so important.
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: I think at the end of the day. Sometimes it
• 36:51
  Speaker 4: takes a little bit of time. But like we know,
• 36:53
  Speaker 4: we know if we're in a relationship that we know
• 36:57
  Speaker 4: just isn't right, and we can feel it in the
• 36:58
  Speaker 4: back of our minds, like it's probably it's not going
• 37:00
  Speaker 4: to work out, but you're kind of delaying it. We
• 37:02
  Speaker 4: do that all the time. We do that with our jobs,
• 37:05
  Speaker 4: we do that with hard conversations and our families. We
• 37:08
  Speaker 4: do it all the time. And the more you can
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: try to sink into that feeling of like, Okay, well
• 37:13
  Speaker 4: this sucks, but I love my partner so much, but
• 37:16
  Speaker 4: I know that this life isn't working for me. You
• 37:19
  Speaker 4: have to take action on that. And I'm not saying
• 37:21
  Speaker 4: pack your bags and leave the farm straight away. Sit
• 37:24
  Speaker 4: down with your partner and be like, hey, I'm actually
• 37:26
  Speaker 4: like not super happy right now, and I love you,
• 37:30
  Speaker 4: but I'm not happy with what my life looks like,
• 37:33
  Speaker 4: and I want to talk about how we can do
• 37:35
  Speaker 4: something to move forward and what you're willing to move
• 37:38
  Speaker 4: forward in or change in your life. Because I want
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: to be with you. I love you so much, but
• 37:42
  Speaker 4: I have to listen to that part of me that
• 37:45
  Speaker 4: is telling me what I need and you have to
• 37:47
  Speaker 4: listen to it, like you have to listen to it.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah you got Yeah, Okay. And finally, what's been your
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: biggest life lesson on your entire journey so far?
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: Oh?
• 38:02
  Speaker 4: My god, just one happened through it. I actually just
• 38:10
  Speaker 4: want to kind of go back to what I was
• 38:12
  Speaker 4: just saying. I think that is one of the biggest
• 38:14
  Speaker 4: lessons I've learned in my life, is that you have
• 38:17
  Speaker 4: to listen to that little voice in your head that's
• 38:20
  Speaker 4: telling you what you need to do.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 38:22
  Speaker 4: I think sometimes it feels like a whisper. I think
• 38:24
  Speaker 4: sometimes it feels like a gut feeling. Some people relate
• 38:28
  Speaker 4: it back to spirituality. It doesn't really matter what you
• 38:31
  Speaker 4: want to name that thing. But we often know what
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: we need to work towards and what we need to change,
• 38:37
  Speaker 4: and we know those dreams we had as a child,
• 38:39
  Speaker 4: and we know those things that we connect to so
• 38:43
  Speaker 4: deeply that it feels ingrained into our beings. I think
• 38:47
  Speaker 4: the closer we get to being able to listen to
• 38:49
  Speaker 4: that more often, the easier it is to move forward
• 38:54
  Speaker 4: and not be so uncomfortable every time you make a step,
• 38:56
  Speaker 4: Because you start to believe in yourself and believe in
• 38:59
  Speaker 4: trusting that feeling.
• 39:02
  Speaker 3: That's beautiful. Thank you so much. That was so amazing.
• 39:08
  Speaker 3: You're so insightful.
• 39:09
  Speaker 5: I love it's beautiful, amazing. We're going to a song, yeah,
• 39:18
  Speaker 5: the piano.
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: But for anyone who doesn't already follow you, where can
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: the Chicks find you?
• 39:25
  Speaker 4: You can find me on TikTok and Instagram at Alissa
• 39:28
  Speaker 4: Taylor Harper, and you can find me on my podcast
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: called she Said What she said? What you know what
• 39:35
  Speaker 4: I'm saying?
• 39:37
  Speaker 5: Thank you, chicks. Yeah, thanks so much for sending in
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: your submissions.
• 39:40
  Speaker 4: Chicks, we absolutely love it.
• 39:41
  Speaker 5: And thanks to m I k Made for making today's
• 39:43
  Speaker 5: episode happened.
• 39:45
  Speaker 3: Bye Chicks