Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Bad friend or just busy? Cheating after 7 years + Friendship Icks

Transcript

Bad friend or just busy? Cheating after 7 years + Friendship Icks · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to your listener questions slash
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: head Noise episode for the day. We have another head
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Noise episode, and this one is going to be a
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: voice note head Noise episode.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: So I think I've done quite a few email ones.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: We are just getting so many questions sent through voice
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: note questions, email questions. They are like flooding in thick
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: and fast, hot and heavy, which we love so much.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: So I'm actually going to be doing four listener questions
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: in today's episode.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: That's the aim. I'm going to try and fit them in.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: So for is the aim.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to give you any any other peripheral
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: nonsense other than the.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Actual content of today.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: So no life updates, which is I would say it's nonsense,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: but we're not going into that.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: We're going straight into it.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: So this one's called bad Friend or Just Busy, but
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: when I glanced, I read bad Bunny because I love
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: bad money so much.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Bad Friend or just Busy.
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: Let's go, Hi, Alexis, Congrats on the family. I absolutely
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: love the podcast. Your wisdom is infinite.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: I wanted your.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: Opinion when it comes to friends who waste your time,
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: you make plans with them it's an hour before the plan.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: You haven't really heard from them all day, but you
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: made plans the day before, and you just get this feeling.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: Oh, they're going to cancel.
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: I keep making plans to snowboard and ride bikes with
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: two local girls in the town I just moved in,
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: and although we've gotten together a few times, they keep
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: canceling the last minute. And they'll text me the next
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: day after the canceled plans and be like, hey, I'm
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: available today at this time, and it's kind of annoying
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: because you said that yesterday and then didn't show up.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: They both work in the school system, whereas I'm a
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: business owner and I work like six.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: Days a week.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: I do make my own schedule, but I'm also busy.
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: I'm the only homeowner, and you know, one of them
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: has a husband to help or do everything. I literally
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: maintain ten acres of property by myself and make myself
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: available for these girls and they can't the last minute,
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: and it's starting to feel really disrespectful. And I know
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: they're not trying to be disrespectful, but like, just because
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: I don't get a W two doesn't mean I'm not busy.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: And I'm making time for you and you're blowing me off.
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: So how do I deal with this without sounding like
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: an act?
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Okay, so that's a really good question. I'm The first
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: thing that I'm going to cover is that I wouldn't
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: even bother getting caught up on the fact of who's
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: busier and who's doing what, because the thing, the truth
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: is that you probably are busier. But it's not even
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: about that. It's not even about am I busy? Am
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I not busy? It's have I made a plan and
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: I'm able to stick to that plan or not. Because
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: if someone is always canceling based on the fact that
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: they're too busy, they have a communication problem, they have
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: a time management problem.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: There's many things that come down to that.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: But I don't think it's never about who's busy or whatever,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: because someone might also have a really scattered mind, someone
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: might really have poor time management.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: That you could.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Probably do more with your day than what they can do,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: or you probably have more on your day.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: But you start getting into the nitty gritty, it's not
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: even about that. It's a lot more simple.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: And I've had an iss similar issue with some of
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: my friends, and there's a few different fixes. You can
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: address it directly. You can speak to them about it
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: and say, hey, guys, I've noticed that you're always canceling
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: last minute. I cannot like you can go down that path.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: But if you think that this is just kind of
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: how they are and it's not really them trying to
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: blow you off because they don't like you, but that's
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: just who they are, because like you said, they're following
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: up with another invitation the next day, which makes me
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: feel it's got nothing to do with them maybe not
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: wanting to hang out with you and just being polite
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: and agreeing in the first place, if they then follow
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: up legitimately inviting you out to do something, so it's
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: that's not the reason. I genuinely think that they are flakes.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: So I've got a few friends that are flakes. And
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: there are people out there that think if a friend
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: is flaky, that's it. They don't respect my time, they
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: don't deserve me to put time aside for them, and
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: it is what it is, and I'm cutting them out.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: And if that's genuinely how you feel, you're completely in
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: your right to do so. Genuinely, I think that's perfectly
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: fine if you feel that way. However, with my friends,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: the particular ones that are like that. I've thought about
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: that in the past, in the moments where I've been
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: like kind of stood up in the last minute, or
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: when we have caught up they've been really late, and
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: I've gotten so frustrated that I've come close to being like,
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: is it even worth it? But then I've thought about
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: the good times that we have together, and I think,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: you know what, as long as I can manage this
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: friendship properly, it is worth it. Because for me and
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: from my perspective and from the relationship I have with
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: these people, I just have too much of a good
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: time to cut them out of my life.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: I just like them too. I enjoy it when we
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: do hang out. It's just so good.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: So I think, how can I manage this relationship so
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: I no longer have about any animosity. But I also
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: don't feel like my time is being wasted. So what
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: I've done with them is that I have addressed it
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: with them, but in a joking way. So let's say
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: we agreed to meet up in a week's time, So
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: we say, let's lock in lunch on Wednesday. Okay, lunch
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: on Wednesday is locked in, So excited about it.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: Whatever.
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: What I would then say is, if you really want
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: to do lunch next week, message me Wednesday morning to confirm,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: because I'm tentatively booking it in, but just reconfirm it
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: on Wednesday morning if you're actually serious. Okay, If I
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: happen to have other plans that day, given the track
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: record with this friend on the amount of time so
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: they have canceled, if that plan is more pressing or
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: more urgent or whatever, I will I will say, hey, sorry,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: something came up, this happened, you know, Like Unfortunately, if
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: someone's blowing you off all the time, they're going to
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: fall further down on that list.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: That's just how I operate.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: If someone is always going to flake, I can't have
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: that hour or two hours locked out like it's sacred.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: If the likelihood of them flaking is so high and
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: you earn that in people's lives. Whereas if I have
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: another friend who would never, never, never cancel on me,
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: I would never swap that appointment out for absolutely anything.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: There's no way in hell, okay. So it's kind of
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: like a hierarchy of you know, who's going to respect
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: your time and who is in So I'll jokingly but
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: seriously say you're such a fucking flag. I love you
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: so much, so I'm caine for next Wednesday. Message me
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: on the day and we'll do it. If they don't
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: message me on the day, I don't follow up. I
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: don't make plans for that lunch.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: I just don't.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: And ever since I've done that, they've actually been more
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: likely to message me on the day because I'm not
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: then being like, well, when's the next time we can
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: catch up?
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: When it kind of falls back on them. And so
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: another thing you.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: Could do is you could be the one following up
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: in the morning of the day saying, hey, guys, just
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: touching base, we're definitely on for tonight.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: Little things like that. Another thing that I do.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: Is that specifically with these girls like friends of mine
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: that are the fucking flakes, I will always have an
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: alternative backup plan ready to go, and like I said,
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: if something more important does come up, I will have
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: to choose that more important thing, and that's just unfortunate
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: for someone who's a flake.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: That's like, you make your bed, you sleep in it.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: But what I will do is I'll have an alternative
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: plan for myself, even if it's doing something alone that
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I'm excited enough about that if they were to cancel,
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: part of me is like, oh cool, well now I
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: get to do this plan B thing. So, for example,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: one of the things could be I create like a
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: date with myself for you know, I'll pick my favorite cafe,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: maybe in Surrey Hills, that I haven't gone to in
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: a while, and I'll just go there and like drink
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: my favorite coffee, your tea, and do ninety minutes of
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: writing or maybe thirty minutes of writing and reading a book.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Another one could be like, I haven't gone for a
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: run in a while, and this is a perfect time
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: for me to go out for a run.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do that. Maybe I'll go for a
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: sauna instead, or alternatively.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: You know, the reason why I wouldn't book it in
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: with somebody specifically is because you don't want to flake
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: on another person. So I wouldn't be making plans with
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: someone else tentatively and then flaking on them. But it
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: would be I would create a plan that I'm like,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: I'm actually quite looking forward to doing that thing, So
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: if they cancel on me, I've actually planned out something
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: for that time, so it's not like you're left in
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: the lunch and now you've got this available time slot.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: Another thing that I would recommend if this person is
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: such a flake.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: And you're not willing to get rid of the friendship,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: and you've already done everything I've told you to do,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: but you're like, yeah, but what if it's a Friday
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: night and they cancel on a Friday night and then
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: for the foreseeable future, don't give up the most valuable
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: real estate of the week if you are not willing
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: to have them flake on you. If you legitimately have
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: better things to do on a Friday night, then don't
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: book out the Friday night with someone who's likely to flake.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: If you have nobody else to hang out with, but
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: there's things you could be doing but doing them alone,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: then you can still book them Friday night, but then
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: have those tentative plans for yourself. Of course, the option
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: always is to have the really hard hitting conversation right
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: to their face, saying I'm only going to put up
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: with it one more time on this night. But it
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: comes down to how badly do you want to hang
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: out with them as people? If they're actually legends, then
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I believe it is manageable That's how I manage it
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: with my friends, and it no longer ever stresses me out.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: I know how to manage it in a way that
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: I make light of it.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: They're very well aware of their behavior and they're the
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: first ones to bring it up.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: They're like, oh, no, I know I've done this before,
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: and I'm not.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Like I don't even have to be uncomfortable and pull
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: them up on their behavior because they're well aware of it.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: But I also can be very stern in a loving way,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: being like, I don't know if I can like put
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: as oute a Friday night if you've got to cancel
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: on like joking like that.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: And we've got that relationship now, so and because of that,
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: they way less likely to flake. Now.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: One of my friends who was the biggest flake is
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: the one that is hitting me up more often than
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: I'm hitting her up, and she's locking things in and
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: she's following through. So people can change. They just have
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: to know that you're not going to drop everything for them.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: You have to manage the friendship in a sense of like,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: I fucking love you, I respect you, but not over myself.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: I don't respect your flaking over my time.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to manage it.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: And when you start to respect my time more, then
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: I start to respect your word more. Okay, so hopefully
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: that makes sense. The next one is best friend x
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: me Hi.
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: Alexis absolutely love your podcast. I always get so excited
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: when I post a new episode, so please never stop.
• 10:34
  Speaker 4: My question is about my best friend. We've been best
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: friends for years now. It's amazing. We love each other.
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: We tell you other everything we do so much. I
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: always tell her everything. It's amazing. Since we go to university,
• 10:51
  Speaker 4: I feel like things are a bit different. I got
• 10:54
  Speaker 4: most of my friends from Uni. I love them, but
• 10:59
  Speaker 4: she's with our hometown friends, which is totally fine, obviously,
• 11:03
  Speaker 4: but those people are just so into smoking weed, drinking.
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: They give a fuck about university. I like those people,
• 11:16
  Speaker 4: but I feel like they got no passion in life,
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: and I feel like she's melting into that more and more.
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: I absolutely love her when we meet, it's amazing. But
• 11:27
  Speaker 4: I'm a bit afraid that she might influence me, and
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: I feel like I'm distancing myself a bit, and I
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: don't know what i should say to her because I
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: don't want to be like a mother who's lecturing her
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: like it's her life obviously, like she can do whatever
• 11:40
  Speaker 4: she wants to do, but I want to be open
• 11:43
  Speaker 4: and honest about it without sounding like I'm being jealous
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: or whatever.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Like advices.
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: I appreciate it because I don't know what to do.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Okay, awesome question.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: I think this is like when I talk about friendships.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: If you listen to any of my friendshipisodes before, I
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: talk about kind of like the different categories of friendships
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: that you have and for you what I think might
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: be happening, and it's and mind you, these categories that
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: I put friends in, they're not permanent categories. Friends can
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: move from category to category, but it helps you rationalize
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: how you're feeling around friends when you can identify which
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: category they fit into without being too clinical.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: So you got your inner circle friends. These are the
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: people that are you're right or die.
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: These are the people that, without needing to put any
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: effort in you are contacting them regularly. They're likely not always,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: but they likely are also in close proximity to you,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: and that's one of the reasons why.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: You are so close. But that's not always the case.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you have that and then you move away and
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: you maintain that deep relationship.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: But They are the people that it's reciprocal. You can
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: lean on when you need to, you.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: Can ask them for a favor without feeling like you're
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: a burden and a vice versa. And you also want
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: to share in really funny moments and really happy moments
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: with them. They're one of the first people that come
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: to mind that's you're inner so she might be one
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: of these people. Then you've got your old time friends,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: like the people that are those friends that have been
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: there forever but not necessarily fit into your inner circle friends.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: Mind you, an inner circle friend could have been there forever,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: but this is different to an old time friend.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: An old time friend is someone.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Who's been with you through these critical periods in your
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: life and they're so special and important to you, and
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: every time you see them, you have such a nice
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: time with them. It's this beautiful moment that you guys share.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: It's just like sometimes it feels like no time has
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: passed in between, but you just don't have that closeness.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Like maybe maybe there's certain details in your life that
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: until you catch up on, you're like, oh God, I
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: didn't know that that happened, and like something that just
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: wouldn't happen with an inner circle friend. So you've got that,
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: then you've got the good times friends. These are the
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: friends that you've realized that you can't rely on for
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: anything serious, but they are just such a fucking light
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: in your life and there's such a joy and such
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: a fucking good time that you basically are like, I
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: definitely have to have them around in my life, even
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: if I only see them here or they're These are
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: the kinds of people that maybe you met at work,
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: and your relationship is very kind of centered around work,
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: so maybe you work together it's hilarious and maybe straight
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: off to work you go get drinks and this and that,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: and that's kind of like fun, hilarious friendship, but you
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: realize that it never goes further than that than that
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: good time friend kind of category. And some people get
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: a bit hurt about that because they're like, but we
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: just but sometimes that's just the dynamic, and that's just
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: how it is. And sometimes people are quite set in
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: their ways with you know, their lifestyle outside of the
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: work that for them, they're like their work friends and
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: they hang up with their friends and then they leave.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: So that's the good times friends. And then there's acquaintances,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: like legitimate acquaintances that they don't ever become that like
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: you would never hang out with them one on one.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: An acquaintance could be someone that you get along very
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: well with, but if you've never actually reached out one
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: person or the other to each other, then that's that.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: Okay. So those are the categories that I have. So
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: what I think might be happening is.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: That your friend might be going from in a circle
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: to longtime friend. Maybe not, but it just seems like
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: you're outgrowing the friendship that you had from your hometown
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: and it's starting to become an ig for you because
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: you're starting to see that she's doing things that now,
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: when you've got perspective, stepping out.
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: Is not your thing.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: So, like you said, you don't want to sound like
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: you're lecturing her, nor would I. I don't recommend you
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: do that, because, like you said, she's an adult. She
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: can do whatever she wants, and if she wants to
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: be smoking weed and whatever, more power to her.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: That's great.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: So, but it's just not something that you like to do,
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: and you're starting to notice these DIVIDESE. You also don't
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: want to seem like you're being critical of the friendship
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: group that she hangs out with.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: Like you said, you like these people. They're nice enough.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: It's all well and good. It's just not your vibe.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: So I think what is happening is you've got to
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: kind of come to terms with the fact that this
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: while you're at UNI, you're going you're having a really big,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: like wave of self discovery. There's a lot of new
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: things that happen when you're at UNI, the amount of
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: people that you meet, the life experiences that you have.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: This is a you know, like we go through waves
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: of change in our life, but there are like intense
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: moments of change that occur in pockets of our lives,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: and leaving your hometown and going to university is one
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: of them where so much changes in such a short
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: amount of time, and you go through a lot of
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: personal change and realizations and all of that. So I
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: think you've just got to ask yourself, you know, I
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: don't have to modify my relationship with this girl.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: I also don't need to be lecturing her.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Less is more sometimes, like you said, you want to
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: be open and honest, but you don't have to be
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: criticizing anything that she does unless you feel like it
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: is necessary in order for you guys to maintain the friendship.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: But you could just say, oh, I'm just noticing that I've.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Gone through so much personal change and I love our
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: friendship and I want our friendship.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: To stay the same.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: However, I've noticed myself not enjoy things that I used
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: to enjoy, or not want to do things or that
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: people at home are doing, and I'm just growing in
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: this is different direction, and I feel like we're just
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: two different groups of people. So I still want to
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: maintain that friendship with you. I love you so much,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: but the kind of friendships that you have with those
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: guys is just different to the one that you're gonna
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: have with me.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: And that's fine because, like you said, like they you know,
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: have no respect for university or this or that.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Like, as long as it's not a in a bullying
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: mean way, then you can coexist with that quite easily,
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: and you don't have to be friends with them. If
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: you find that whenever you're around those people, you're like,
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I'm just not clicking with them. I just don't feel
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: like they're my people, then you don't need to spending
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: time with these people. Your relationship is that is the
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: one that you have with your friend, not her friends.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: You don't have to have a close relationship with her
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: friends in order to have a good one with her.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: As long as you don't ever feel like there's that
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: pressure and she feels like you have to have those friendships,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: that's when I would speak up. If I was made
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: to feel like I need to be hanging out with
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: the whole group, then I would speak my mind and
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: I would say, listen.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: I just I'm not that person anymore or at all.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: Maybe you never were in the past, and it's no
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: shade on these people, but they're just not my people.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: They're lovely people, but I just don't click with them
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: the way I click with my friends.
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: You or whatever, but I love you and I want
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: to have my friendship with you and whatever.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: I think if you do it that way where it's
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: not an attack, you're not trying to pull it apart
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: a nitpick and this and that, you're just saying this
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: is how I feel.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: This are you, guys, this is me. And as long
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: as you can, like in your.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Head figure out that she might be moving from inner
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: circle to long time friend or maybe not.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: I don't know the ins and outs of it, but
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: then you start to be a lot calm and with.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: Your expectations around your friendships. So hopefully that helped. But yeah,
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: sometimes there's not that much that you have to say.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: Since all right, next one, this is called cheating After
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: seven years the dog.
• 18:46
  Speaker 5: Hi, Alexis. I'm sure that you get this all the time,
• 18:50
  Speaker 5: but I just want you to know how much you
• 18:54
  Speaker 5: have changed my life. I started listening to you when
• 19:00
  Speaker 5: I was in a seven year relationship and everything was
• 19:04
  Speaker 5: going fine, and well, not everything was going finn. Of course,
• 19:07
  Speaker 5: relationships have their problems, and that's why I started listening
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: to you, just, you know, to try and better myself. Anyway,
• 19:15
  Speaker 5: long story, short cut to the chase I was cheated on.
• 19:20
  Speaker 5: I found out it was actually three times after seven years.
• 19:26
  Speaker 5: I just think it was amazing that I had started
• 19:29
  Speaker 5: listening to your podcast, because if it wasn't for you,
• 19:32
  Speaker 5: I don't know how I would have gotten through this.
• 19:35
  Speaker 5: I have done the no contact, putting myself first. Fuck him,
• 19:41
  Speaker 5: he doesn't owe me anything, and I just felt like
• 19:46
  Speaker 5: that has helped me so much. So I just wanted
• 19:48
  Speaker 5: to thank you. If you've ever got any other advice
• 19:54
  Speaker 5: on just how to push forward through with you know,
• 19:57
  Speaker 5: when you've made the decision that he's done, like just
• 20:00
  Speaker 5: any advice and you're like, oh yeah, anyway, I just
• 20:04
  Speaker 5: wanted to thank you. I don't know if you'll listen
• 20:06
  Speaker 5: to this, but you are amazing, amazing. I listen to
• 20:09
  Speaker 5: your podcast on repeat. Thank you, Thank you.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: Alexis fucked basically, as we all know, not all people,
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: some people, but I do want to say, you're doing
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: the right thing. You're doing the no contact, you're doing
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: all of that, and I'm really proud of you. And
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: it's not an overnight thing. It is a fucking process,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: but I mean there's so many things that you can
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: be doing to kind of tackle it from every angle.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: Like one thing that I always recommend is after the
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: breakup of a relationship, especially a long term one. I
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: mean any relationship, but with a long term one, you
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: get set in ways with your partner and you have
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: these deep rooted habits or routines or ways of being.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: So when you break up, you feel this massive void
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: when that person is gone and you start to miss them.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: You start to think that even if they cheated, life
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: was still like better with them in it, even though
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: they did something awful and you start to really hurt
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: because you're feeling this like abandonment pain, even if you're
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: the one that had to end and it's just awful.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: So one of the biggest pieces of advice I could
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: give is what can you do to be filling that
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: void with something that's really helpful and nurturing to your soul?
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: You know, can you be you know, is it friends
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: that you could be hanging out with, is it starting
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: something brand new to me? I like, of course, social
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: interaction is huge, obviously, your friends and your family and
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: spending more time with your social circle is massive, So
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: that is like top of the list. But when I'm
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: talking about filling that void, one thing that I really
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: like people to do is start something brand new that
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: you haven't ever done before, but it's become your thing,
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: a huge one that people do. And I'm not saying
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: you need to do this, but I'm just saying, like,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: as an example, and I've seen a lot of this,
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: probably because of the algorithm come up on my feet,
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: is will that pick up running after they've had a
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: breakup and they just embody it after a couple of months,
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: and I don't even think it's because they're like I
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: love running so much. It's because running or whatever the
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: thing is that you end up choosing to do it
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: for the purpose of my example, running became their savior,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: Like that was something that they did for themselves that
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: pulled them out of the fucking darkness, you know, after
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: being cheated on, after a breakup or whatever. So they
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: started running as like, oh, I'll just do a hobby
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: to maybe meet people and whatever. But the process of
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: doing something for themselves where they saw themselves improving in something,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: they saw progress. They were showing up for themselves repeatedly
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: just for them just to do something for themselves, and
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: they were saying getting better and better. That they went
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: from being like, oh, fine, I'll do it to be
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: like I can't wait to go on that run. I
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: want to do this for myself.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: I want to.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I want to, and then they become so entrenched and
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: evolved in it, and it probably ultimately yeah, they like running,
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: but I think it has to do with what it
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: provided for their relationship with themselves. So what can you
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: find that is something like that that is so fulfilling
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: to you where it requires you needing to show up
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: for yourself on a regular basis, the days you don't
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: feel like it, the days you're really excited to when
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: people are doing it with you, when no one's doing
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: it with you.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: What is something that you can do?
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Is it something social like a run club, or like
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: a random sport, or like an art thing, or maybe
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: learning a language in a class where you can do
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: it alone and with people, or is it like a
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: random skill that you want to pick up. Ideally, make
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: it like a hobby based so you're not trying to
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: tie it to a source of income. The reason I
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: say that is when you try and tie a hobby
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: to a source of income so quickly the passion if
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: money's not coming in, the passion can die really quickly
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: instead of just making it about the joy of doing.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: If it evolves into something that you can make money from, great,
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: But for the purpose of this, something that's going to
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: be like, this is my thing now, and it's going
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: to be really fun trying to find that thing because
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: it might not be the first thing you try.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: And that's where a lot of the fun is.
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: Like what if you started doing pottery and it was
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: a fucking disaster, but then you met someone at the
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: pottery class who then told you about this other thing,
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: and and before you know it, you could be like
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: me doing puzzle competitions like jigsaw puzzle competitions, like it
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: could be anything, but that, to me is probably one
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: of my biggest pieces of advice. Fill that void with
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: something that's going to really enrich your life, and then
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: you have all these evolutions in that process, and then
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: you're going to look back, after all the new people
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: that you've met, after all the fun experiences that you've had,
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: after growing that resilience, after showing up for yourself and
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: being that person that you would want to date, you
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: look back and you can genuinely be like, you know what,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: after everything that's happened, I'm actually weirdly happy that it
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: ended this way, that it ended the way it did,
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: because it's provided me this version of my life that
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: I probably never would have had had a state in
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: that relationship. So that is what I would advise, alongside
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: the other things that you're doing.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: And I'm proud of you, and stay strong. You've got this. Okay,
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: last one it's called the Picture Police. Very intrigued.
• 25:04
  Speaker 6: Hi, I love your podcast, but I know everyone says
• 25:08
  Speaker 6: that as soon as we start, I am having a
• 25:11
  Speaker 6: bit of I guess an insecurity issue that involves myself
• 25:15
  Speaker 6: and my boyfriend and his Instagram likes and I it's
• 25:22
  Speaker 6: like people that he's friends with, but they're like provocative
• 25:26
  Speaker 6: pictures and I know the girls too, and I also
• 25:28
  Speaker 6: like the pictures. But I definitely brought it up to
• 25:31
  Speaker 6: him that it does bother me, and he like said
• 25:33
  Speaker 6: he would quit, but also he it bothers him that
• 25:35
  Speaker 6: he has to quit because they're his friends, which I understand,
• 25:38
  Speaker 6: but also.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: I just I don't know, Yeah, that's it. I just like,
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: am I in the wrong for that?
• 25:48
  Speaker 6: And he's like very great in opening and like actually
• 25:50
  Speaker 6: went and unliked one of the pictures that bothered me,
• 25:52
  Speaker 6: which is nice. But I also don't want to be
• 25:55
  Speaker 6: the picture police. So anyways, calling him or messing in
• 26:01
  Speaker 6: from Texas, thank you so much, You've changed.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: My life amazing, very good question.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Actually, so yeah, I think that it's not a one
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: size fits all response for any kind of relationship, and
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: this is something that first, it's great that.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: You've spoken about it.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: He's like obviously taking it on board to some degree,
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: even though he doesn't love it because they're his friends
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: and whatever. But I think, because obviously it's a bit great,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: you can't say, oh well, if something makes me feel uncomfortable,
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: my partner has to adhere to it, because because then
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: that could be a slippery slope into like you trying
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: to control your partner with like mundane behaviors like hanging
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: out with the opposite sex just because they're the opposite sex.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: Now you're not allowed to do that, that kind of thing,
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? However, I think what
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: I'm gathering is you would not have an issue with
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: him liking photos on non provocative things.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Now I'm guessing you're nodding and saying yes to.
• 26:53
  Speaker 4: That, So.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: It's fair to say that you are clearly not trying
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: to control who he hangs out with, who he's interacting
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: with yourself, like the photos of these girlfriends of his,
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: because you know you're obviously you like these girls.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: They're probably friends of yours as well. So I think
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: it's I think it's a.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: Fair request, is what I'm trying to get at. But
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: it's not really about what I think you've got to
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: express to him, and I think you already have that.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: It's not about him liking their photos. He can like
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: all the photos, but when something is quite sexual or provocative,
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: it just feels weird for you when he goes and
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: likes that thing. I think that's a fair request to
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: make because you're not putting a stop to him interacting
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: with these people, being friends with his people, or liking
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: any other photo of theirs. And from the perspective of
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: the individual posting the photo, you're not owed alike.
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: If a friend of.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Yours doesn't click like on that photo, then too bad.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: So sad Okay, I'm sorry. But if you put up
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: a photo and it's a particular way and you expect
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: all your friends to like, and then some of them don't,
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: who cares? So I wouldn't think about it from their perspective,
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: It's just he's gonna he can like all the other
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: photos and not the others. He already went back and
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: unliked one of the photos, which means that part of.
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: Him probably sees where you're coming from.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: And then you could also kind of say it as
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: I look at this as something that is you know,
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: it's kind of like when you're in a relationship you
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: want as far as sexual content.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: Not everyone I understand that, but a lot of people
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: who are.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: In a monogamous relationship would like their partner to publicly
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: at least only engage with, you know, when it's something
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: sexual with.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: Stuff about their partner.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: You know, when you start going and liking other people's
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: When you start going and liking other people's, you know,
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: you feel weird. And then it just maybe other people
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: are seeing it as well, and the fact that other
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: people are saying that he's liking this other content makes
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: you feel uncomfortable as well. I just think that it's
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: a very fair request, and it's something that you have
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: voice to him.
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: It's okay for him to not love it.
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: Initially because then maybe after some time, if he respects
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: your request and he's going to do it, which it
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: seems like he has, then I think he's going to
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: come around to probably saying like, it's actually not that
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: hard to adhere to it, and it makes her feel
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: really comfortable, and it's no skin of my back to
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: do it, And then he could. I'm sure if it
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: was in reverse and you did something similar liking particular photos, whatever,
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: and he requested that you didn't do it, you could
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: quite easily adhere to that, Okay. I think the main
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: thing comes down to communication, and what you don't want
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: to happen is for him to be doing things behind.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: Your back just because just so you don't get annoyed.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: Not that he can be liking photos behind your back,
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: but like you said, I don't.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Want to be the photo police, like you don't want
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: to feel like you have to police him. You want
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: to feel like it's something that you've agreed on. That's
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: what I mean by behind your back quoite unquote. But
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: you shouldn't have to feel like you're policing it. You've
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: put your request across. If he agrees to your face
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: that he's going to adhere to that request because out
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: of respect for you.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: Then that's great.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: But another thing that you need to say is, I'm
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: sure that most partners wouldn't love their partner engaging with
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: kind of you know, sexual or whatever content on social
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: media with their other friends.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: So I don't know.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: For me, it's pretty it's pretty straightforward request to be
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: dead honest, Like, I just feel like if you're in
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: a monogamous, standard quote unquote, normal quote unquote relationship, then
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: I don't think it's a far cry to ask for
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: something like that. If he wants to be engaging with
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: that kind of content, then he needs to communicate why.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: I would just say why do you need to engage
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: with that and then hear what he has to say.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I just don't think you're being irrational at all.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: That's just my opinion. I think you're being perfectly fine.
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: So that is all, guys. That is the podcast episode
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: of the day. Four questions.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna say if I can be doing four moving
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: forward for head noise questions whenever possible.
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: But thank you so much for.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: Sending in your voice note questions or voicemail questions. I
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: love hearing your voices from around the world. It makes
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: Excuse my voice.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: I'm just like recovering with this cough for the last
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: fuck and.
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: However many weeks and like can'd shake it. But anyway,
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: that is all. Love you guys so much.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Keep sending in your voice notes or your emails to
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: voice notes at the website so www dot dearwifimpod dot
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: com and emails to info at dearwifempod dot com. Guys,
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: love you so much. That is all for today. As always,
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: remember becind to yourself.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: Beginnd to your brain.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: from yourself.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: Don't care