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Salad Dressing on the Side: Are You High-Maintenance? · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome to a mini episode of no Shrinking Violets.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I'm Mary Rothwell and I'm going to talk to you today about something that I was thinking about when I was actually drying my hair this morning.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: So there are men outside and I'm going to say men, because they are all men they're working on the street, they're doing construction, and our development association told us that they were going to do that tomorrow and then they told us they were going to do it Monday.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: So this morning the trucks pull up at seven o'clock.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: So I decided to go out and try to talk to the men and many of them ignored me.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: There was one very nice man who tried to explain.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: You know, I was actually asking how long is this gonna take, because I have another interview where I'm a guest at 10 am this morning and I really wanted to make sure that there was not going to be noise that would interfere with the recording, because that person is taking their time to host me.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Well, everyone did ignore me, except one man, and it got me to thinking about should I have even gone out there to ask questions, because they are just doing what they're told to do?
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: So it made me start to think about the idea of women being high maintenance versus low maintenance, and I don't hear these terms as much now as I did when I was younger because of the film when Harry Met Sally.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to read you I have this here on my computer.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I'm going to read you the exchange between Harry and Sally, where he talks about high maintenance versus low maintenance.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: So Harry says there are two kinds of women high maintenance and low maintenance.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: And Sally says which one am I?
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: And Harry says you're the worst kind.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: You are high maintenance, but you think you're low maintenance.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: And of course Sally's confused.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: She doesn't know what he means.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: So he gives an example of how she orders her food and she tends to order things on the side and at the time I was like well, I always order my salad dressing on the side, even if it's a Caesar salad, which I know in the culinary world is like a big no-no.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: But anyway, that aside, no pun intended.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: So he goes on to illustrate to her how she orders and then Sally says well, I just want it the way I want it.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: And Harry says I know high maintenance.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: So that is just one example, I think, of how we often get messages about how we're supposed to be.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: And of course now we hear the term Karen.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: So if you're a Karen and I'm feel bad for anybody named Karen, but that came about from a very specific way of acting.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: And so, karen, sometimes I think as women we can really worry about how am I coming across?
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Because we don't want to be high maintenance, but I want to try to define that a little bit.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: We are allowed to have things the way we want it.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: We're allowed to get information.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: But I think when we are women that are assertive, we can often encounter people like this morning, where everyone just ignored me.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I walked out, I said could I please talk to somebody?
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: No one acknowledged I was there, except one man, and he was not even in charge of anything.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: So I think that that is interesting, because I would not treat somebody that way, even if I was thinking oh no, here, especially when maybe a romantic relationship is starting, we might hesitate to bring up something where we're not happy with something, or we notice someone is acting a certain way and we don't prefer that, but it's like well, I don't really want to rock the boat, we're really focused on making the relationship work, but that's not sustainable.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: So I think, when you're trying to figure out, is my opinion or my question or my feeling about this is it okay?
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Feeling about this is it okay?
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: I think look at the impact on your life and look at the idea of what can happen.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: What are the options?
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, when I walked out there this morning, nothing was going to change.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: They had four construction trucks lined up on the road in front of our house.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: They weren't going to pull up stakes and leave.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: If they weren't going to be done by 10, I don't know what I would have done.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Would I have contacted this person and said I'm sorry, in two hours I don't know if I'm going to be available.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: So you know, it was one of those situations where I think the other option is radical acceptance.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So sometimes there are situations where we can be angry about it, but it's not going to do any good.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: So that might be a situation where when we're driving and somebody's in the left lane and they're just, you know, going along at their own pace and holding up 17 cars, there's not a whole lot you can do about that, except take a breath and try to just go with the flow.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: But when you're in a personal relationship, you're allowed to have an opinion.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: You're allowed to order your food the way you want.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: It doesn't make you high maintenance.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: Having an opinion or having a preference doesn't make you high maintenance.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: It's when it starts to impact someone else or it's when you get so wrapped up in wanting to have your way that it's hurting you, it's creating more stress for you.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: So if you're in a relationship and you have, calmly and with care, expressed how you feel and things don't change that's a message then you can decide do I stay here and just accept something I don't like?
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: If it's you know dirty socks on the floor, how important is that?
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: If it's you know drinking issues, or you know, obviously, if there are abuse issues, you know there are levels of what you're going to tolerate.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: But you are allowed to assert yourself in a relationship.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: You're allowed to want things the way you want them.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: You don't have to go through life trying to stay small, trying to be low maintenance, because you don't want to inconvenience someone.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: But the converse of that is how do you pick your battles?
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Is it something that you're not going to have any control over?
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: You know you can express something as a means of trying to change it.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: You know where I live.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: We have an HOA, so here you can express how you feel.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: If you want to try to create change, it's probably not going to happen.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: But I think, being aware of when do you just let it go Because really you know all it's doing is creating stress.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: When do you speak up?
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Because it's personal, it's someone who you're trying to have a relationship with, or maybe it's a policy that is impacting you at work.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: That may not change, but that's still a much more personal, close to the heart situation than my walking out there to those men this morning and trying to get information.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: If I had to do it over, I probably would have not even gone out there because it didn't help me.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: It just stressed me out when they ignored me and probably in their mind it was like you know, oh God, here we go, we can't do anything about this, and here comes someone to complain.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: So don't keep yourself small because you're worried about someone judging you for how you're interacting or what you want.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: You are allowed to order your freaking salad dressing on the side if that's what you want.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: You are allowed to order your freaking salad dressing on the side if that's what you want, that's what makes you you.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: But in a situation where maybe you know your salad comes with the dressing on it, then you have to decide am I going to send this back or am I just going to eat it Because it was an honest mistake?
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: So radical acceptance.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: I'm going to talk more about that in a future mini episode.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: But sometimes we just accept where things are and we sort of go with the flow from that point.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: So I hope you enjoyed my mini episode today.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.