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Transcript

Healing Means Letting Love Lead · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Julie Wynne, and I want to talk about something today that I don't think people say out loud enough about healing.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you first start healing and you're on your healing journey, great job, by the way, but you think that the goal is to get rid of the pain.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: You want to understand it.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: You want to process it.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: You want to figure out why it happened so you can finally be done with it.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, most of you just want it to go away.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: You want to bury it.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: You want to outgrow it.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: You want to move on.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to move on so hard that you don't ever want to feel it again.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I know for me, my story felt so heavy for so long that I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: I actually hated talk therapy, didn't help me at all.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And not because the therapy was bad, but because every week I had to reopen something I desperately wanted to be finished with.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't want to visit it anymore.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted it to be resolved.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted somebody to tell me how to bury it so I can move on.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to find the root, pull it out, be done.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And now, nine years later, I understand why it lingered.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't linger because I didn't work hard enough or that I was unwilling to let it go.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't linger because I didn't understand enough.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: It lingered because I was trying to walk away from something I needed to learn how to dance with.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that sounds so cheesy, but it's true.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Energy doesn't disappear, it just transforms.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And pain only transforms when it's allowed to return to love.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And here's where we get stuck.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: We grip.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: We grip the righteousness, we grip the story, we grip the this happened to me, we grip the apology we never got, we grip being understood.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, it is way easier to walk away and leave it in the corner of your life than it is to surrender to love.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what I am learning now.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think surrendering to love might be the hardest part of healing because surrendering, big deep breaths over here, means you lose control of how the healing happens.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can't stay angry, you can't stay stubborn.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I say I am stubbornly righteous.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can't decide what the other person has to do first.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can't script the outcome.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can't even decide what healing should look like.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: The requirement is to soften, to surrender, to trust, to let love transform that pain into something beautiful.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And how that transformation happens, you cannot control it.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that is terrifying.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm recognizing something in my own heart right now.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: How long I've held on to my needing my pain to be witnessed, how long I've needed acknowledgement, how long a younger part of me just wanted to be taken care of.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when that didn't happen, I built a grip.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Again, my stubborn righteousness, a no, and that no protected me, or the heavy judgments that I held against myself, but more importantly, of others, that also protected me.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that makes sense.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: All of it: the no's, the judgments, the bitchy behaviors, the stubbornness, it all is keeping me safe.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But healing doesn't finish inside protection.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Healing finishes inside surrender.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that doesn't mean allowing harm.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: It means allowing love to move where control cannot.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I thought forgiveness was the end goal, but I'm realizing that real love doesn't even feel like forgiving.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like the story stops needing a verdict.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing to pardon anymore.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Love allows so much beauty to come through that there's nothing to pardon anymore.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And not because it didn't matter, but because love metabolized it into something else, something beautiful.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that can't happen while we are negotiating with love.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Healing for years for me looked like me negotiating, sitting at the table with love.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Love sitting here saying this is how I can help.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And me being like, okay, well, you have to guarantee that I'm not gonna be hurt again, and you're gonna have to guarantee that uh, you know, that they're not gonna do this to me again, and I don't want to feel stupid or I don't want to feel um like I'm gonna regret my decision.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to feel embarrassed.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to feel so we're gonna sit here until you can guarantee me all those things.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, love.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'll soften, I'll listen to you, love, if they understand.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'll release if I get closure.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll trust if I know I won't be hurt again.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And love just sits at the table with me and waits.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Love doesn't bargain.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Love knows what's up.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Love knows how to transform our pains into something miraculously beautiful, but only when we stop gripping the pain as protection.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where healing turns into choice.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I used to think healing meant understanding my past, and now I see it means choosing my present.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I can still feel fear in my body, but I don't have to obey it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I can feel the pull to close my heart and choose not to.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can feel the protection and just gently loosen it.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not all at once and not perfectly, by all means, not perfectly.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I can practice just a little.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Surrendering to love feels unsafe.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, right now for me, this is what I'm working on.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I'm recording this podcast about it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Spiritual shit shows everything I'm working on in my healing journey.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's because I can understand that my nervous system is saying, don't do it, you'll get hurt again.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with you?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you listen?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Stop, don't do it, don't do it.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I hold on to my boundaries very hard.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I stay guarded and I keep my armor on.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then love reminds me, I can make this beautiful.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't control the transformation.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how love is going to heal all of this, but I know it will.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And my job is to allow it.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not fully there yet, but I can feel myself softening.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe healing isn't the moment that the pain disappears.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe healing is the moment you sit at the table with love long enough that you don't need to control the ending anymore.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: That you trust you won't abandon yourself again, that you trust you can feel and survive feeling.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And again, maybe it is just sitting at the table long enough with love.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you have no choice but to surrender.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's the only option left.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We spend so much time trying to heal, so we never feel that way again.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: But the real freedom is knowing even if I feel it again, I'm not trapped in it anymore.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, you can choose.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose openness, you can choose peace, you can choose a life not organized around protection, not because the past changed, but because you did.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna say that to myself right now.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Even if I feel it again, I am not trapped in it anymore.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I honor my growth, I honor my experiences, I honor my entire journey in healing, and now I can choose my wisdom, I can choose my beauty, I can choose my life, I can choose peace, and I can choose to organize my life around love because I have changed.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe as I'm sitting here still at the table with love.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's what healing really is.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's not fixing it, it's not forgetting it.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's just no longer negotiating with love.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: We've tried all of my brilliant ways to transmute the pains.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so now I'll finally surrender to love.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Terrifying because I don't know what that's gonna look like.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's scary to be vulnerable.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I think I'll sit here at the table with love just a little bit longer.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for sitting with me on this podcast.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you so much supporting you in your journey, in your soul stance, always and forever.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Till next time.