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Transcript

Breaking the Pattern That's Been Destroying You · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  If you don't put yourself first, you don't become selfless, you become resentful. And resentment poisons everything. You are the problem, but you're also the solution. People-pleasing, over-giving, not enforcing boundaries. Different faces, same lesson. If you keep meeting the same villain, you're not unlucky.
• 0:23
  You're unhealed. The most dangerous moment is when you know better and you still stay. The worst part about this is it trains other people how to treat you. Putting yourself first is not selfish. It's structural. Choose yourself, not once, every day. That's how failure becomes fuel. It was hard to go through this seven years later and I'm the happiest I've ever been.
• 0:54
  Welcome back to the 100 Life Podcast, my friends. I hope you're enjoying these Thursday solo episodes. Today's going to be a doozy. We're going to talk about failure, because people love to talk about their failures like their trophies. I absolutely don't, because my biggest failures weren't mistakes. They were choices. I kept repeating. I was on life's merry-go-round, and I...
• 1:19
  just hated the way I felt. I didn't fail at relationships. I failed at choosing myself over and over again. I didn't fail at business partnerships. I failed to set boundaries because I was afraid of being alone. I thought I didn't know how to do what I really did know how to do, which would be successful at business. Here's the part nobody wants to hear. Alcohol also wasn't my problem. It was my solution.
• 1:47
  It helped me avoid the feelings I didn't know how to sit with. It allowed me to blend in. When I quit drinking, the noise didn't stop. That was the myth. It got so much louder. That's when I learned something uncomfortable. I wasn't a bad person. I was a good person doing bad things because I didn't love myself enough to stop.
• 2:14
  I abandoned myself to keep the peace in relationships, in business, in my own head. That's where I talk to you guys about thoughts or magical lies. And here's a truth that finally changed everything. If you don't put yourself first, you don't become selfless, you become resentful. And resentment poisons everything.
• 2:39
  So today, I'm not sharing my failures for sympathy. I'm sharing them because if you don't learn from them, you'll repeat them just like I did. Remember, and life just keeps sending you that lesson until you learn it. Here's the hard truth, guys, I'm holding up a card, says failure is a pattern. It literally is a pattern. If you pay attention, you will notice
• 3:08
  You are the one constant. So you are the problem, but you're also the solution. Most people don't fail once. They fail the same way in different environments. You'll hear me say over and over again. How you do anything is how you do everything. So when somebody says my biggest failure, it's very misleading. Because the same wounds, the patterns,
• 3:38
  will show up in your romantic relationships by betraying yourself, picking people that aren't for you. Business for exploitation, picking people that will use you. People-pleasing, overgiving, not enforcing boundaries. Different faces, same lesson. If you keep meeting the same villain, you're not unlucky, you're unhealed.
• 4:07
  and I'm gonna teach you how to become healed. But first, I'm gonna keep telling you my story. If you haven't read Harder Than Life, the book, it's in here. The lie, I am bad versus I did bad things. Shame keeps people stuck longer than the pain. So there's an identity mistake. We confuse behavior with self. So self-abandonment looks like peace. And what it looks like by saying I am bad,
• 4:37
  You go into the people pleasing. You tolerate cheating in relationships. You tolerate less than what you deserve. You drop your standards. You stay way too long. You turn to alcohol and drugs as an emotional anesthetic. And you treat the symptoms, not the disease. When you believe you're bad, you'll accept punishment disguised as self-love. Let me explain that a little deeper.
• 5:05
  when you allow somebody to treat you poorly, whether it be in a business relationship, whether it being in a vendor relationship or in an actual romantic relationship, you are teaching people how to choose you. And if you don't choose you and you don't love yourself, you will accept less than. That's why boundaries feel so uncomfortable. And for those of you
• 5:30
  that haven't read my book, Harder Than Life, I'm gonna deep dive into it. And I'm gonna try to keep the names, those that know me know who the person is, but to protect the peace, I'm gonna talk about the relationship that actually pushed me into this harder than life thing. So when you think things aren't happening for you, or they're happening to you rather than for you, I'm telling you all the bad things, all the so-called failures in my life, propelled me forward. So if I was failing,
• 5:59
  I always failed forward. So the breakup, the one with my fiance, the people that know me know her. I'm just gonna leave her name off to just to be polite. But just keep in mind, this can be anyone. So I've said this, the different faces, same wounds. So self abandonment, the core truth about it is the most dangerous moment is when you know better
• 6:27
  and you still stay. I hear about this over and over and over. I am bad, I was unhealed. I'm not bad, I was unhealed. Let me just show you that. This is very important, guys. Back to the most dangerous moments when you stay. And you guys know when this is happening. Your friends are all going, what are you doing? Or there's those long pauses where they're like, why are you tolerating this?
• 6:56
  I tolerated her cheating. It was literally a sign to walk away. There was no confusion about it. The person now would look at that and be like, yeah, that's not going to happen. And I took her back, betrayal after betrayal. It's because I feared myself. I feared being alone. That was not love. She kept saying she'd change and she never did because she wouldn't look in the mirror alone.
• 7:25
  This was the cost of keeping the peace. So keep in mind, when you stay in a situation, it is a choice and it is a bad choice. It is a choice of you not choosing yourself. The worst part about this is it trains other people how to treat you and
• 7:49
  other people who are unhealed magnetize to you. And then the two of you get together and create that chaos chain. This happens in every walk of life. This is, I'm not just pertaining this to relationships, to romantic relationships. It's all relationships. It could be in your family. It could be in romantic relationships. It could be business relationships. It could be vendor relationships. It could be strangers on the street. You will be in a party, my friends.
• 8:19
  And there will be hundreds of people and you will find the one person who will be bad for you. So, you'll hear me say this, you heard this from everybody. I'm holding up a card, no boundaries equals no respect. And it is the God's honest truth. Every time I took back my cheating ex-girlfriend, I taught myself that my boundaries were non-negotiable. I showed her
• 8:41
  that I would never enforce them. I would never walk away. So she had no reason to change. She just kept abusing me like my mother and stepfather did. So this business betrayal and emotional betrayal are just in a different suit. So
• 9:02
  Boundary up, my friends. Unhealed people recreate their childhood dynamics in business in really all facets. So lack of boundaries invites exploitation. If you wonder why your life is chaotic, literally just look in the mirror. Being nice leads to getting used. Now that does not mean I'm gonna be...
• 9:23
  an a-hole or I'm going to be a jerk. It just means saying, this is my standards. This is the place where I can simultaneously love you and love myself at the same time. And believe me, if somebody has a problem with you enforcing a boundary and a standard, they are not for you. It's because they want to break it. You're doing yourself a favor.
• 9:48
  In business, you don't have partnerships that fail. Standards are crossed. Boundaries are avoided. Here's the best part.
• 10:00
  Having tough, hard conversations are the way to really enforce all of your good habits. It's being harder than life. And they're only called hard conversations because we're trying to avoid them. Guys, lean into it. It's funniest thing in the world. The reason why it's called harder than life is because if you lean into the hard,
• 10:23
  you're going to make an easy life. So if you abandon yourself in business, someone else will gladly take the wheel. If you abandon yourself in love, you will keep going on the love merry-go-round until you puke and you will wonder why you cannot find love. You must first look into the mirror and love yourself and then you will attract people that love you.
• 10:49
  So I would be remiss if I wouldn't talk to you guys about me quitting drinking, because that's where all of this started. I literally thought alcohol was my problem, and it wasn't. It was the symptom, not the disease. But quitting drinking removed my escape hatch. I'm holding up a card, it says numbing hid the truth, and it is the God's honest truth. And when I numbed,
• 11:17
  I became dumb and I surrounded myself with other people who were just like me in the same situation. And when you're around people that are all numbing themselves, ain't nobody getting better. Hence,
• 11:31
  Spoiler alert, when I quit this, I lost all my friends, which is a good thing. Not knocking any of them, I love them. A lot of them have come with me, many haven't. And I'm gonna keep putting this out there till people realize numbing is dumbing and it is a temporary fix. So sobriety won't fix you, it exposes you. Once you stop the numbing, you get all the feelings.
• 11:59
  Feeling is healing, guys. I say it all the time. Feeling is healing. Lean into those feelings. What's at the root of them?
• 12:07
  I literally became a big feeler. I feel so much and I cry now from it because I feel grateful. Emotions are not the enemy. Lean into them because avoiding them, you're just avoiding the truth. This is the beginning of self-mastery. I didn't lose alcohol. I lost my ability to run.
• 12:29
  I lost my ability to skate myself and I lost all the people, places, and things that weren't for me. And what do you know? Every relationship, whether it be in business or romantic, that wasn't for me fell away. It's funny how that works, guys.
• 12:47
  Again, I didn't lose anything. I gained my entire life back. So when it's uncomfortable, I have a friend that says, it's uncomfortable either way. Let's change it. It's hard either way. It's hard to lean into feelings and it's hard to not. Choose your heart. Choose your heart wisely because my life, if you watch my social media, I share everything with you guys. This was hard to go through this seven years later and I'm the happiest I've ever been. So,
• 13:16
  Here's the rule that changed everything. Putting yourself first is not selfish. It's structural. This is my favorite card. I'm holding up a card. Put yourself first. That does not mean it's all me, me, me, me. I have a friend.
• 13:35
  He listens to the podcast. His boat was, it's all about me. And needless to say, he's never been married and he's in his 60s. Shout out to you, my man. You know who you are. I'm not going to leave the names out. But when you go like that, you literally, you've cut off feelings, but you've also cut off the ability to feel and be loved. So remember, you've heard this a thousand times.
• 14:00
  When you're on an airplane, they tell you, if there's an issue, put your mask on before you help anybody else. You wanna know why? Because if you pass out or die, you can't help anybody. You're no good to anybody. So people don't like this. And I say this to my girlfriend, Brittany, I have to put myself first. I say this to my daughter because if I'm okay, everybody's okay. From my staff at NTM, to my girlfriend, to my daughter, to all you guys.
• 14:29
  When I put myself first, when I'm doing the work, when I'm working out, I'm meditating, I'm journaling, I'm reading books, I'm taking in podcasts that are helping us, that's me putting myself first so I can show up for it to be the best you. That's not selfish, that's smart. So doing this made me a better father, a better leader, a better partner, and here's the newsflash, you still don't believe me, I attract so much better now.
• 14:58
  And the people that aren't for me fall away or don't even approach me. That's worth its weight in gold, my friends. So boundaries are not punishment. They're rewards. If I'm good, everyone around me gets better. And then that's not ego. That's responsibility. The podcasts are better.
• 15:22
  my insights better, my speaking engagements are better, and when I'm vibrating magnetically high, all you guys are coming with me. And that's what this is all for. That's why I will share every failure I've ever had. So my biggest failures weren't what happened to me. They were what I allowed because I didn't think I deserved better. Let that sink in. It was about deserved. And you don't deserve, you earn.
• 15:52
  So if you're listening to this and something feels familiar or something gave you tingling inside, that's awesome. That's awareness knocking. Put your mask on first. Choose yourself, not once, every day. That's how failure becomes fuel. And that's how you stop repeating the same lesson over and over.
• 16:21
  Guys, send me a DM on Instagram. Where are you abandoning yourself? Be honest. And if this resonated with you, please share. That's how we're going to grow the show. We are going to get to the top 10 again. We're going to be number one. I'm coming for Joe Rogan. And remember, if you don't become harder than life, then life becomes hard on you. Thanks for listening. Have a great day.
• 16:47
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.