Latest / Drawn of History / Theo and Casey Rocket Talk About Sobriety(M4A_128K)

Transcript

Theo and Casey Rocket Talk About Sobriety(M4A_128K) · Drawn of History

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: So, Bridie, can I ask you something about it? How's
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: it been? Was there like a point that you got?
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Was it like drinking, was it? Or was it just
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: like you were just feeling like disconnected from your own life?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: And congrats on having the wherewithal to like try something new.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Like even just to be like, okay, I've been in Austin.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: This is what's going on. I'm going to try something new.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: It's so hard to come to that conclusion for some
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: of us.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Um, I've struggled with those things since I was a
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: kid and I would have long stretches of sobriety.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: Um, when I was younger, it would be alcohol.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: And then, um, where I grew up in Georgia, um,
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: it has, I was in high school during like the
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: Purdue pharmaceuticals, like that, all that stuff.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Oh really?
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Um, so a lot of.
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: My friends, um, got addicted to like Oxycontin and stuff
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: like that. Um, So yeah, so like that, I was
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: exposed to drug use like that when I was younger.
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: So off and on, and mostly I would sometimes go
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: back to it when I couldn't deal with pressure. You know,
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: there's a lot of excuses for things like that. But yeah,
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: it had gotten to a point where I no longer
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: wanted to do comedy.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: I no longer wanted to really do anything.
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: I just felt like almost not like I had wasted
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: my life because I love what I do. And I,
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: I really liked getting to meet people and I love
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: make people happy, but it got to be too much
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: when coupled with, um, a habit that I had developed of.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Various, um, drugs and alcohol and things like that.
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Um, where I was like, something has to change.
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: Like something has to change.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: Right. So you got to that point. Something has to change.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: I had resigned myself to the idea of a certain
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: death and that did not, scare me. It would have been, um,
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: I looked at it at that point as some sort
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: of like welcomed relief. Like I had gone past the
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: point of anyone being able to help me or me
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: being able to help myself. And then when I did
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: reach out and I did seek some help for that stuff, um,
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: I realized that that's not what I wanted at all.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: What I really wanted.
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: Was to figure out a better way to live that
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: I really just wanted to have some peace in my
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: life that I knew even in the throes of it,
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: was not being given to me by drugs and alcohol.
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: It was the opposite of that. It was making my
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: life a thousand times worse. And by, yeah, I've been
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: able to cut so much guff out of my life,
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: so much guff in slime. And I'm able to look
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: around today and I know that I don't have any,
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: I don't live in shame about my life. I don't do,
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: I don't say things to people I don't mean. I
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: don't hurt my friends' feelings. I can be a better partner.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: I can kick a soccer ball. I can– it's basically–
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: it was soccer ball-based. So I looked around and I
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: was like, you know what? This house is missing.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Soccer ball.
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: And then I caught a glimpse of myself in the
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: mirror and I said, you're in no condition to kick
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: a soccer ball.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: You're going to hurt somebody.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: But it's just really basic things. You know, I wanted
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: to be involved again. I wanted to be in the
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: stream of life.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, dude.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: It's been so beautiful. I'm just so happy. And I
• 3:18
  Speaker 3: don't think it's a temporary happiness. I think it'll be
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: sustained if I continue to work on myself. I know, huh?
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Are you able to look and see? Congrats, too, man.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: I know it's not like a thing that is a
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: congrats thing. But when you think about our world, to
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: take a break from anything. Yeah. and make a commitment
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: to take a break from something and do it, it's tough.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: Oh, my gosh.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: It's tough for any of us. There's so many ways
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: to get addicted to distract ourselves from us.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: It's a diseased thinking of I'm constantly– because, you know,
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: I can do all kinds of things.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: I would spend too much money. I would gamble.
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: I would do these things that on paper seem like
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: a lesser thing than– the usage of substances, and they are,
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: but it's all just a symptom of a greater, I
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: want to distract myself, and I want instant thrills that
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: are followed by continuing to chase that thing.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: What team were you betting on, too? I'll tell you
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: one I bet on.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: I never did sports betting, and I didn't lose, I
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: don't think I have a gambling addiction, but I don't
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: gamble anymore, I'll say that.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: I would do slots.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, you do slots, yeah?
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: I do some spins.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Dude.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: $ 5 spin, have a slap at the pokies.
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: Oh.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I would love to. Sometimes I like, this time
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: I didn't. I was just in Las Vegas, but I would,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: I'd like to slip down there at night when nobody
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: would be around and I'd sit there and play some slots.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Just put in 20 bucks, 40 bucks. You know, and
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: just fucking try to get a little bit of money
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: out of China. You know, I'd yell at the machine.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, we're going to fucking get your cash.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: We're coming, Beijing.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we're coming, dude. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Congratulations.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Pork boy.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: You've popped the pig big.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: It's so funny because it will give you, and this
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: is not a bit. Heaven forbid I do a bit.
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: But it'll be like, congratudention. Congribidibus. You've won. You've been
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: awarded dollar. You won a dollar, like a singular Judeo-Christian dollar.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: And they sound it out. It takes forever. And you're like, fuck, dude,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: if I would have just called in a way, even
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: like just fucking taking a call on a phone and
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: ask them for $ 2, I would have made more money
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: doing something else.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: You've been accepted into the winner's circle. Press B to trust.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: And then it's $ 1. 47.
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: And you're like, okay, I'm betting $ 5. You just told
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: me I lost money.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's like, oh, you've won the deceased sibling round.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: We're going to bring back Anna Marie. And you're like, oh,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: my God.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: My sister's back.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: My sister's back.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: But it's so funny.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: But that's how it's going to get. Don't you see
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: where we're going? I know.
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's going to be in our freaking textbooks
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: one of these days.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: You're going to have to go to the Wynn or
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Encore event. Or you're going to have to go to
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Dragon's Beard or whatever the casinos will be named then,
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: you know, or Faggot's Realm or whatever they're called, right?
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: You're going to have to go to some of these places. Sorry.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: You have to go to the Circus of Life.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Or Trump's Nuts or whatever the casinos are going to
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: be called. You're going to have to go there in
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: the Biden's Oculus, right? You're going to have to go
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: there and they'll be like, You know, get four spins
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: and you'll see your father, you know, and that's really
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: what it's going to be like.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: Yes. And you have to keep playing.
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: You will use your social credit score to go have
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: a round of spins at John Carpenter's Cigarette Burns and.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: You will be lucky to walk out with a talisman. Yeah, yeah.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: Or an amulet of any repute.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, dude.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: It's brutal. And it's so... I always just think it's
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: so funny how they'll be like, gar, gar, gar, gar, gar.
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: You've awarded the pig some hooves. And then they'll just, like,
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: print you out one U.S.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: Dollar.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Yes. Yeah, dude.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: What do we... I mean, where do we go from here,
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: you know?
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Um... What are some things that you feel like, cause
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: like I'll go to meetings. I'm gonna go to a
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: meeting probably whenever I get done with this today. Um,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: what are some things that the meetings do for you?
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Do you notice something like that over time? Yeah. Um,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: like going to recovery meetings. Yeah. There's a lot of
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: 12 step meetings out there, you know? Sure.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: I went this morning in Nashville. I like to, um,
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: at the, at.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: A very good, that seven 30 meeting over there.
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: No, it was at, um, a sober living in Nashville
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: at 1130. But at a very base level, what I
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: can say is that I have never ever walked out
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: of one feeling worse than I was walking in. I
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: will always, even if there's two other people in there
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: and I've been to plenty of things like that, newer
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: meetings or smaller towns, I'll always hear something that relates
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: to my life or relates to how I want to
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: have my life be.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: So it's just, I like to meet random people too.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: It's like, makes me uncomfortable.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: And then when I leave, I feel like I did
• 8:25
  Speaker 3: something good because I know it's good for me.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: And I know I need it.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It kind of cultivates a part of
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: you that you can't even access. Like, I think for me,
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: like I share in meetings. I try to share most
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: of the meetings that I go to. And I always
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: wonder kind of why it's like, and then I was like, oh, well,
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: when I was a kid, I didn't, there wasn't like
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: a place that was safe where I could speak up. Right.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: Like at our house, you couldn't speak up. Nobody cared
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: how you felt. There wasn't even, I didn't even know
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: I had any feelings except that I wasn't feeling good.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: And it was like nobody, and that was our whole
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: system at home. And so sometimes when I go in there,
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: it's like, well, this is a place that's safe enough
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: where I can speak up. Even if I don't know
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: exactly what I'm going to say or how exactly I feel,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: it gives me a little bit of space to explore it.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: So it's almost like sometimes I feel like I'm, it's
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: almost like the kid me or the younger me that's
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: in there that's kind of like, I mean, it's an
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: adult me, but it kind of like, it helps me
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: honor a little bit of that. Like here's this younger
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: me that never got to speak up. So in here today,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: I'm going to sit here with you and we're going to,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying? We're going to speak up
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: for ourselves. Yeah.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: That, that is really beautiful.
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: I can definitely, um, identify with some of those, um,
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: sentiments from feeling like a bit voiceless when I was younger.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is.
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: It's so nice to, anytime I'll try to like prepare
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: something smart to say, it'll be like, you're a bumble,
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: you're a troglodyte. Like I'm a mute, I'm a mute, deaf, speechless,
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: but I'm like, it's summer's, summer's hard. And they're like,
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: What are you? Not even who are you, what are you,
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: and why?
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: The big three.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: When somebody will share something in there that you've been
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: wanting to say your whole life or hear, and you'll
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: finally hear it, and you'll be like, oh, I feel
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: like a part of me will almost like, the locks
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: will turn, and a new door will open.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you feel like a weight has been lifted. I
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: can't even describe how it feels. Really get involved in
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: that stuff, and Um, it's so crazy. It makes you
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: feel like, you know, I'm of the belief that the
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: universe is all mental and it unfolds just for us.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: You know, how can it not?
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: Our life experiences are designated and interpreted solely for us.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: And when I'm in there, almost every time something will
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: happen that's so kismet or a synchronicity and you'll hear
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: something you were just thinking about. or something that's upcoming
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: you've been worried about.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: And you're like, what are the odds of that?
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: And it happens almost every day where you're like, I'm
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: on the right path, you know. When you do the
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: right things, you get the right things. It might not
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: be the things you want, but the things that you
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: need at least.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: And the little things you hear in there, man.
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: The little things like contrary action. Like a lot of
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: times I won't want it if I don't want to
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: do something. Unless it's for like a reason where there's
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: like safety concern or something like that, then I need
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: to consider trying to go do it. Like, I don't
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: really need to do this yoga. I don't really need
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: to go and like walk over to my neighbors and
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: drop this off. It's because there's a darker part of
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: me that wants me to be by myself, that wants
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: me to stay like isolated and sit and think and
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: ponder about everything and just learning those things. And eventually
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I have to learn things a lot, right?
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: I have to learn things a lot. It's like my
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: forgetter is really big. It's almost like when I wake
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: up in the morning, it's like, There's a part of
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: me that's forgotten if people care about me, that's forgotten
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: if I care about me. You know, it's not exact,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: but there's a lot of, like, somebody comes in almost
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: at night and cleans, like, the dry erase boards, you know?
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: I need to be reminded that I matter, and at
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: a bigger level, other people matter more than me.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: Other people matter.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: You know, I was the main actor in my life
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: for so long, and it was all how things were
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: affecting me and what I was doing, and it's so
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: nice to.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: yeah, just genuinely give a shit about other people.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: Dude.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Some of the, my best moments are my moments or
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: my favorites are if I wake up and my thought,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: my first thought about somebody else, it's almost like, God,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: thank you. Or if I'm just driving, I have to
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: remember something. Somebody had said yesterday, like, Oh, I'm going
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: to call them and check them on them about that
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: or something. Somebody cared about. And I was like, Oh,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: let me see how that played out for them. The
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: more of those I get, like the better it feels. Um, Yeah,
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: because we're meant to have community. And my mind does
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: the same thing. It's so much easier. There's a million
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: other things I could be doing for.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: An hour a day than doing that.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: But when I'm alone, if I make an excuse like that,
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: I'll make another excuse. Yes.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: And I'll make another excuse.
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: And it may not lead to drug use, but it
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: definitely will lead to me having a sadder life.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: At the very least, I don't want that.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: That's, that's so.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: And it's like, I've just remembered people care about me.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: I'll walk into a meeting and I'm like, Oh yeah, dude,
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: I remember. And it's not that I forgot him or anything,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: but it's just like, I have to have this thing replenished.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: That's like, yes, your heart works. You work, you're okay.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: Things are okay. There might be problems, but they're not
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: that big and everything's going to be okay. It's almost
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: like you just like, I don't know. It's like, it's
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: definitely is like church. Some people are like, do you
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: go to church? And it's like, I don't go to
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: church every week, but in a way I go to
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: church four or five times a week. Yeah. You know,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: and you feel it and you feel it. Yeah. Like
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I walk out of there. I'm like, okay, if I'm like,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: I mean, there's some days when it's rough. If somebody
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: sit on their phone next to me, the whole meeting, dude,
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: there's a kid running around.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: God forbid. Oh, a little Christmas kid. You can tell
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: it's like a new year's.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: Eve, baby. Yeah.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: And he's like, my birthday is coming up or whatever.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, it's not. Yeah.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: No, it's not. We're in July.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: I can tell you're a New Year's Eve, baby. Get
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: the hell out of here with your holiday spirits.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: But no, man, I think that community is great. What
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: do you think if there's somebody who's scared to try
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: to go to a first meeting? You know, I'll have
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: friends that will ask me sometimes about like, or what
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: do you say to somebody who's thinking like, maybe I
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: might be struggling with this, you know? Sure.
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: Well, something that I go back to is that it's
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: just so nice to be around people who.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: I, you know, there's a saying.
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: The saying of terminal uniqueness that makes people continue to struggle,
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: that we think that we're so different in our suffering,
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: that we're put on this earth just to suffer, and
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: who am I to say if that's not the case?
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: But everything you've been through has meaning, and of course
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: it has meaning to you, but it doesn't really have
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: that much helpful meaning to you, the things that you've
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: gone through that are really bad. Ruminating on that does
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: not help, but when you put it out of you...
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: and you see that it helps someone even just for
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: a day, like being around people who also hurt that way.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: It's just an incredible feeling. It's not a chore. It's
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: not something you have to go do. It's something I
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: look forward to.
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: Doing because it's so nice to look around and go,
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: Oh my God, I'm not this little freak. I'm not
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: this little guy that God forgot. You know, I'm someone
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: that has purpose. Even if it's just for today, I
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: can have a purpose of hanging out with these people
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: and I know that when I'm in there, I feel
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: better just for, even if it's just for the hour,
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: even if I leave and I get back and I
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: feel like shit again and I'm going a little crazy
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: and I'm riffing a little too hard about the wrong
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: things and my little brain.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: It's a safe place.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: Like, and I hate to use that term, but it's,
• 15:32
  Speaker 3: you know, places like that are just somewhere completely free
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: of judgment.
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: It's so beautiful.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: It's so beautiful. And there's nothing else like it.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: I agree. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Sometimes some people are like, hey,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: do we come do this? I'm like, nah, I don't
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: know if I'm doing that. I don't know if I'm
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: driving over to meet you at a Whataburger or something.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Just because they're popping off because it's new or whatever
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: and the seats are clean or whatever.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not going animal style. You can't make me.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but you were like, hey, you want to drive
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: 20 minutes across town to go to this 11.30 a.m. meeting?
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: It's going to be mostly older folks in this church.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, dude, yeah, that shit sounds popping.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: I dig wisdom.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: Yes, dude.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: Dude, I love to talk to some old farmer guy.
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: I get off on talking to an old farmer.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: Our plant's got AIDS. You're like, I don't know if
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: that's what happened.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: He goes, when my arm's crying, I got to feed it.
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: When that baby's crying, I got to feed it. And
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: you go, hell yeah. Don't come on my back and
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: tell me it's raining. You know, shit like that.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: You're like, yeah. People always have crazy quotes. But no, man,
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: it's definitely like, I don't know. And it's there for you.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: It's like, if you, if you have a tough time,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: if you leave, if you come in or out, the
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: meetings are there and you can go back.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: It's just so nice to like something that really sat
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: with me this last go around when I was trying
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: to get my life together again.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: Is just the simple thought that I don't have to
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: live like that.
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: Like whatever is making me feel like my life is
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: for want of a better term, escalating towards some terminal
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: velocity where I've had so many times in my life
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: where I.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: Feel like this is going to end bad.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: Either I'm, you know, I'm working too much or I'm
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: worried about the wrong shit or I'm, you know, I'm
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: using again and I know it's going to end bad.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: And to know I don't ever.
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: Have to feel like that again because I know that
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: I'm in control of my emotions now and.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: It's so great. I like to let yourself have peace, right?
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: It's so hard. It's like the hardest thing in life.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, why is it hard, man? I don't know. That's
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: such a fascinating statement. I've never heard anything like that.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: To let yourself have peace. Yeah. Yeah, like I don't
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: want to let myself have peace, man. It's like, or
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I don't think, or I'm not
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: saying I don't, but it's like that would be the, like, yeah,
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: I don't, do I not deserve, like what is that?
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: I don't know if it's something just the way that
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: we're wired where, you know.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: Because that's it. Some of the wiring is right there.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: Why won't I let myself have peace? I have friends
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: that are, that like, And I've struggled. I've had some
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: tough years over the years for sure. But I've had
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: some friends that won't get close to it, you know?
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: Won't try to get close to the fire. They want
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: to just keep trying to do it.
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: Well, it's familiar. It's familiar.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: And there's a thing of like, I'll figure this out.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying? Yes.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: Like– I've gotten myself this far.
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: And the world feels that you– I don't know. When
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: I was younger, I put a chip on my shoulder
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: like the world was an enemy. Yeah. And I'm going
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: to figure this out. And watch me. And then the
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: worst part is if you have some successes in your
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: life or things that go kind of your way, it's
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: hard to realize that like something– Yeah. Because then you
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: feel like, oh, well, I'm doing– I'll figure this out too. Yeah.
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: Because I did this for myself. I uprooted myself. I
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: made this happen. But then also– I've made a lot
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: of the bad things in my life happen.
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: That's true, dude.
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: You know, drinking Tuss, walking down the road, having a
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: little slip and slide.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: Karmically speaking. I'm a karmic patsy. I'm a charlatan of redemption.
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: I'm a Tuss man.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, dude, you're the Jack Ruby of that realm.
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: I am Jack Ruby, and I am Nikola Tesla, and
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: we are building a free energy circuit that Edison will
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: shut down.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
• 19:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah it's but that ego is so because yeah it's
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: like no one really helped me become a comedian no
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: one taught me how to tell jokes no one you
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: know I slept in my car for a long time
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: I spent my whole life working on this thing so
• 19:28
  Speaker 3: when we're able to turn that into something that is
• 19:31
  Speaker 3: working of course I think we're apt to believe like
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: oh I'll turn this around too by myself that's just
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: you know we both know that's not the case it's
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: just not possible.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah It's just willpower. It's vibrant willpower. I'm amazed at
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: the willpower sometimes the people that struggle, like I have
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: friends whose parents are out on the streets and, or
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: we've been struggling for 20, 30 years, you know? And, uh,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: and I'm sure some of them, like some of them
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: even asked me, why do you think they say what's
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: going on? It's like, I don't know, but you just
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: try to talk with somebody about that stuff. And it's
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: just the willpower of, of some, of, of alcohol or
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: of people that are in recovery or of alcoholism of alcoholics.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: It's man, it's strong. It's like, I'll figure this out.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Everything I'll turn this around. Or then sometimes I bet
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: you just get, uh, you built, you just get trapped
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: in shame and then you just want to stay away
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: from your life because you feel like I don't want
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: to go around these people because I'll only make things
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: worse for them. That's gotta be kind of a crazy trap. Yeah.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: That you're too far gone and you're like radioactive.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: It's heartbreaking.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely.
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: Definitely.
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: But– That people– you feel like people would be better
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: off without you, which is such a dangerous thought that
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: is never, ever, ever, ever true.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it's never true. Yeah. You've talked about the
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: occult a lot, right? And I feel like you've gone
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: around up and down those realms. You reference, you low-key,
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: your closet occult, people say. Occult adjacent.
• 21:00
  Speaker 3: No, I've read about all kinds of religions and stuff, so.
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: Sometimes I'll throw some buzzwords out there.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: Will you?
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: Will you do that?
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: I'll throw some buzzies. I'll do a little buzz. I'll
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: catch you in a little fly trap.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Are you the Oral Hirschhiser of throwing buzzwords out there?
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah. Casey Orenthal James Sensenrocka.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: No way. Oral Hershiser. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Sorry, I
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: think he was one of the best pitchers before you
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: were born. Dude, when I was a kid, the best
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: pitcher was kind of an old white dude. It was like, okay.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: Randy Johnson?
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: It was beforehand. It was like Randy Johnson's daddy or whatever.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: Candy Johnson.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, bring up Oral Hershiser. There he is, dude. He's
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: a legend. Him and Walker Bueller actually look alike. But
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: from Buffalo, New York, man, he's a legend. But he
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: was a legend when I was growing up. It was
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: just like a white guy that was able to do it.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: And then things got Latino and just more diverse. But
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: what I was going to ask you, where do you
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: feel like we're at spiritually as a people right now?
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like we're in a tough spot? Do
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: you see a different future for us? What do you
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: really see? having somebody who like kind of is willing
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: to kind of massage the crystal ball of different realms.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: That is a interesting question and happy to be here.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: But that's difficult.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: I think for me as part of a better life
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: that I've tried to live, yeah, I love reading about
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: different kinds of positive philosophy from antiquity. So, you know, Stoicism,
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: Marcus Aurelius, up through– different. I've had different times in
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: my life where I was a more or less a
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: believer of existential nihilism, that life had no purpose, that
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: we were put into this world simply from a dying God,
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: sort of a Gnostic worldview of.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: We don't have any purpose because we will ultimately die, right?
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: So in doing so, the end justifies the means in
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: the sense of whatever we end up doing, it does
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: not serve any sort of greater good.
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: But I believe the opposite of that today.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: I think as human beings and these thoughts are sort
• 23:11
  Speaker 3: of a mishmash of various other things, mostly the tenets
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: of hermeticism and some sort of cabal, cabala, not cabalica,
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: not like a cult, but the universe is always in
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: motion and we're a part of the universe, right? So
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: I know that my life serves a greater good today.
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: And I also know that I can be a driving
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: force in my life while also knowing that I can
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: only drive so far. So all I can choose to
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: do is as they say, the right hand path of
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: doing the right thing and the next right thing. And, um,
• 23:48
  Speaker 3: if I do do something wrong to a friend, small things,
• 23:50
  Speaker 3: the mistakes I make today are smaller. I can be snippy.
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: I can be rude. I can be not emotionally available. Um,
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: I can immediately act to correct that.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: So it's some iteration of karma and some iteration of
• 24:02
  Speaker 3: the understanding that life is suffering. It hurts to know
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: that we're alive and to know that we're worth more
• 24:13
  Speaker 3: than we'll be given.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: Dang, that's crazy. I never heard that before.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: The meaning of life is just the small things. It's
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: to mean something in a moment-by-moment basis. And to do
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: things without the purpose of distraction. So it's so much easier,
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: you know, we've both struggled with drugs and alcohol to,
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: to turn that knob off, but I'm going to have
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: to wake up again tomorrow.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: And that's the thing about like developing a drug habit.
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: Is like, I would always be so furious when I
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: would wake up and go, God, I have to do
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: this again. I can't believe I have to do this again,
• 24:50
  Speaker 3: but I'm of the belief that we were all created.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: So the universe can understand itself, you know?
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: So, I'm simply a cog in such a greater machine of,
• 25:03
  Speaker 3: I only exist because at the end of my timeline,
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: I served some greater purpose, you know, for.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: The creator of the universe, whatever you want to call that.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: And who do you hope it is? Like, say if
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: it is like a, and I think that's beautifully put, dude.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: I really do. That's pretty cool, man. Thanks. You're an
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: eloquent speaker. You're going to be a great screenwriter.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: Thank you for saying that.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: It's going to be exciting, man. I admire the fact
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: that you're willing to, to do something that you want
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: to do, right?