Latest / I Do, Part 2 / “A Kid Deserves A Dad, Not A Grandpa” That, and Other Comments From Our Yahoo Readers

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“A Kid Deserves A Dad, Not A Grandpa” That, and Other Comments From Our Yahoo Readers · I Do, Part 2

0:01
Speaker 1: Hey, the folks. It is Wednesday, September the tenth, and
0:05
Speaker 1: one of our readers wrote in asking for some very
0:09
Speaker 1: serious relationship advice, And what we want to say right
0:13
Speaker 1: now is thank you to so many of you who
0:17
Speaker 1: opened up and really helped this guy out of a
0:21
Speaker 1: situation that it seems like so many others have dealt with.
0:24
Speaker 1: And with that, welcome to this ask Amy and TJ
0:27
Speaker 1: edition of Amy and TJ Rhodes. I think I'm trying
0:30
Speaker 1: to put it in the right way. We've been doing
0:33
Speaker 1: this column with Yahoo for a little while now. The
0:35
Speaker 1: responses on this one are the most what we've gotten
0:41
Speaker 1: so far, the most intimate, personal, vulnerable sincere kind even
0:46
Speaker 1: in a lot of.
0:47
Speaker 2: Ways, all of what you just mentioned are true, Yes,
0:51
Speaker 2: because I think a lot I didn't realize how many
0:53
Speaker 2: people out there have dealt with this. And truly, if
0:57
Speaker 2: you've ever been divorced, and if you've ever thought that
1:00
Speaker 2: you're you know, most people when they get married and
1:02
Speaker 2: they have kids, they feel like that's it, that's their
1:04
Speaker 2: forever family. And often cases we know that that's just
1:07
Speaker 2: not true, and so decisions you make with one family
1:10
Speaker 2: suddenly are not necessarily in line with what you need
1:14
Speaker 2: or want with your next wife or your next relationship.
1:17
Speaker 2: And so this is a very relatable situation where a
1:19
Speaker 2: man had a aseectomy after having two kids with his
1:22
Speaker 2: first wife, gets divorced, marries another woman. She knows he's
1:26
Speaker 2: had of aseectomy, and now four years later she says, hey,
1:31
Speaker 2: could you get your vasectomy reversed and could we have
1:33
Speaker 2: our own family? And this hit a nerve with a
1:36
Speaker 2: lot of readers who have had very similar experiences.
1:39
Speaker 1: No, I didn't think until we've kind of start talking
1:41
Speaker 1: about this. Now we talk about specifically of a sectomy.
1:44
Speaker 1: But isn't it the case? Isn't it almost every relationship
1:49
Speaker 1: you come to some point some conversation has to be
1:51
Speaker 1: had about kids. Yes, who wants them? Who doesn't? Who
1:55
Speaker 1: wants them how badly? Who doesn't? Can you compromise and
1:58
Speaker 1: the win? So I guess in a lot of ways, yes,
2:02
Speaker 1: even if you haven't dealt with an issue of aseectomy
2:04
Speaker 1: in your relationship, the issue of kids is always there.
2:08
Speaker 2: And from what I have read over the years, most
2:11
Speaker 2: relationship experts will say that if you have a disagreement
2:16
Speaker 2: about whether or not to have kids, that is relationship ending,
2:20
Speaker 2: because if you deny someone that very understandable biological emotional need, want,
2:27
Speaker 2: desire to have a child, and to forego that for love.
2:31
Speaker 2: It most likely will be relationship ending at some point
2:34
Speaker 2: because resentment builds. And you also have a finite number
2:38
Speaker 2: of years where that's even possible. And so if a woman, specifically,
2:43
Speaker 2: women have a much shorter ability to have children in
2:46
Speaker 2: terms of men can be having kids until their nineties,
2:49
Speaker 2: but women obviously have a very short window of time.
2:52
Speaker 2: And so if someone feels like someone stole that time
2:54
Speaker 2: from her or she wasted that time with someone, that's
2:57
Speaker 2: a common theme we hear a lot. It's just a
3:00
Speaker 2: it is a relationship ender if you aren't in agreement
3:04
Speaker 2: in a lot of cases.
3:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's you mentioned the that's added pressure too. This
3:08
Speaker 1: is already a difficult thing, and then you're looking at
3:11
Speaker 1: a clock as you're having this conversation with your loved one,
3:14
Speaker 1: your spouse. So yeah, maybe that's why this really really
3:18
Speaker 1: did strike a nerve with a lot of people. So
3:19
Speaker 1: let's give you now the original question that we got
3:22
Speaker 1: from this. Dad didn't give a name, just signed off
3:25
Speaker 1: as dad can't decide, but wrote into us asking Amy and.
3:29
Speaker 2: Teacher I'm a forty five year old man with two
3:32
Speaker 2: kids from my first marriage. After having those children, I
3:34
Speaker 2: got a vasectomy. I remarried four years ago and told
3:38
Speaker 2: my current wife about my visectomy while we were dating.
3:41
Speaker 2: Now she is asking me if I would want to
3:43
Speaker 2: get the vissectomy reversed so we can have our own family.
3:47
Speaker 2: What should I do? Asks, Dad can't decide, and our.
3:51
Speaker 1: General or my I'll speak to Advice was just you
3:55
Speaker 1: have to speak to each other immediately. This conversation has
3:59
Speaker 1: to be had. But I also wanted to remind them
4:02
Speaker 1: that your relationship is good if you love each other.
4:06
Speaker 1: Nothing has changed about each other. Keep that in mind.
4:11
Speaker 1: But it does. So you were just saying about this
4:13
Speaker 1: being a relationship ender. If they could have had this
4:16
Speaker 1: conversation when they first started dating, I have a vasectomy,
4:20
Speaker 1: Well I want kids, it wouldn't have been a date too.
4:23
Speaker 2: Probably not so.
4:24
Speaker 1: If she has changed now and now she's someone who
4:29
Speaker 1: definitely wants kids, that could be a relationship in there. Yeah,
4:32
Speaker 1: that's unfortunate. If they are in a solid, yeah relationship of.
4:35
Speaker 2: It, and that's sad and scary. And I can understand
4:37
Speaker 2: why he doesn't know what to do because he probably
4:40
Speaker 2: is acutely aware that if he says no, that that
4:43
Speaker 2: could be the end of his second marriage, and that
4:45
Speaker 2: is significant. And so I just asked him to really
4:48
Speaker 2: be honest with himself what does he want? Because that's
4:51
Speaker 2: not something you can undo. And he knows that all
4:54
Speaker 2: too well, with having had two other children. But his
4:57
Speaker 2: age is an issue. Forty five years old, you know,
4:59
Speaker 2: that's something to consider. And people have children in their
5:01
Speaker 2: forties all the time, but it comes at a much
5:05
Speaker 2: different expense when you're that much older. You know, you
5:09
Speaker 2: now are thinking about I'm going to be going to
5:11
Speaker 2: college graduations or high school graduations in my sixties, when
5:15
Speaker 2: a lot of folks are welcoming grandchildren. So it is
5:18
Speaker 2: an important thing to think about where you want to
5:20
Speaker 2: be in your life, not now, but twenty years from now. Right.
5:24
Speaker 1: So, and I always ask this before you get into
5:26
Speaker 1: the reader comments, men or women? What were you getting majority?
5:29
Speaker 2: See? I felt like there were a good mix, but again,
5:33
Speaker 2: oh I'm looking at our thing. It's well, you know what,
5:35
Speaker 2: it's a mix. But still I do think that men
5:39
Speaker 2: still weigh in more. It's so interesting. I totally would
5:41
Speaker 2: have thought it was the opposite, but we'll begin with
5:43
Speaker 2: a woman. Okay, and this is a bit of a
5:46
Speaker 2: long comment, but I really liked what she had to
5:48
Speaker 2: say because she gave some personal experience and then gave advice,
5:52
Speaker 2: and I thought it was really really good. So this
5:54
Speaker 2: came from Danielle. Danielle, thank you for this. This was
5:57
Speaker 2: really really cool, she writes, I can understand why feelings change,
6:02
Speaker 2: especially about having children together with the person you love.
6:05
Speaker 2: I do feel he discussed this with her in the
6:07
Speaker 2: beginning and she is having a change of heart. Quick background.
6:10
Speaker 2: I was thirty three and my husband was forty two
6:13
Speaker 2: when we met. He has one kid and I don't
6:16
Speaker 2: have any kids. When things turned serious, he told me
6:19
Speaker 2: he had a sectomy, but would be willing to have
6:21
Speaker 2: a reversal or discuss adoption with me if we decided
6:24
Speaker 2: to have children together. I thanked him for bringing up
6:27
Speaker 2: this important topic, but that I was good just getting
6:29
Speaker 2: his kid raised so that we could go about our lives,
6:31
Speaker 2: which we have done. Back to this couple, if he
6:36
Speaker 2: still does not want any more children, then he should
6:38
Speaker 2: stick with that. I know it isn't the same as
6:40
Speaker 2: having children, but maybe this couple can find something new
6:43
Speaker 2: to focus on. And do together, whether it's learning a language,
6:46
Speaker 2: joining a hiking club, visiting all the Major League Baseball stadiums, pottery, metalwork,
6:51
Speaker 2: charity work, etc. I agree with Amy that new things
6:54
Speaker 2: come up all the time in a relationship and you
6:56
Speaker 2: have to make choices, but if you can make them
6:59
Speaker 2: together with respect, that's the best way forward. Good luck
7:01
Speaker 2: to this couple. I hope whatever decision they make together
7:04
Speaker 2: makes their relationship even stronger.
7:06
Speaker 1: Thank you for that, and thank you for folks who
7:08
Speaker 1: take the time to write that kind of thing down.
7:11
Speaker 1: And sometimes people are quick and can be dismissive or
7:13
Speaker 1: make you know, I just want to give a quick,
7:15
Speaker 1: quick response that was thoughtful, and this is someone who
7:19
Speaker 1: wrote into us who genuinely needs help and is struggling
7:23
Speaker 1: with something. So I really just appreciate first and foremost
7:25
Speaker 1: just that she took time and was that compassionate.
7:28
Speaker 2: I know it stood out to me too, because yes,
7:30
Speaker 2: we do get a lot of snarky comments, and they
7:32
Speaker 2: can be funny in one offs, but this is actually
7:34
Speaker 2: someone's life who they're putting out there for the world,
7:37
Speaker 2: and they're asking for help. So I appreciated Danielle's advice.
7:40
Speaker 2: All Right, we'll move on next to Phil. Phil writes
7:43
Speaker 2: in the comments and says, I'm forty eight and started
7:46
Speaker 2: dating last year after being a widower for four years.
7:49
Speaker 2: My son is thirteen. There is no way I would
7:53
Speaker 2: start over. I would be pushing seventy realistically, if I
7:57
Speaker 2: met someone and decided to have a kid. A kid
7:59
Speaker 2: deserves a dad, not a grandpa. I thought that was interesting.
8:06
Speaker 1: I think that's an interesting something to think about there that.
8:08
Speaker 1: Of course, plenty of older dads who would take issue
8:10
Speaker 1: with that. That can be healthy, But generally speaking, I
8:14
Speaker 1: don't think that's far fetched to say that, And it
8:16
Speaker 1: almost he almost takes the position that it's unfair to
8:19
Speaker 1: the child, like you're not doing right by a kid
8:22
Speaker 1: to put the child in a position to have a
8:24
Speaker 1: dad as old as you could possibly be. Or the guys,
8:30
Speaker 1: I guess I we'll find out in a second. But
8:32
Speaker 1: was there a theme to the men.
8:33
Speaker 2: Yes, they were very much on dad who can't decide
8:38
Speaker 2: yes side, saying hey, you made the decision, already stick
8:41
Speaker 2: with it. But there are some cautionary tales for folks
8:44
Speaker 2: who have reversed. So can I ask, though she.
8:46
Speaker 1: Can change her mind? Can't? He though? If she can
8:49
Speaker 1: change her mind. He can't, but it seems like it's
8:52
Speaker 1: being prompted by something else and not his own.
8:54
Speaker 2: If he was willing to change his mind, he wouldn't
8:57
Speaker 2: have written in does that was my big like you
8:59
Speaker 2: need to acknowledge said the reason why you wrote to
9:01
Speaker 2: us is because you actually don't want to, and you're
9:04
Speaker 2: almost hoping someone can convince you too, because deep down
9:07
Speaker 2: you know you don't want.
9:08
Speaker 1: Okay, So then that's where I am why you err
9:11
Speaker 1: on the side off he deep down doesn't want to.
9:13
Speaker 2: I think that.
9:14
Speaker 1: Can't he just be undecided? Can't he just be torn
9:16
Speaker 1: right now and truly trying to figure this thing out? Sure,
9:20
Speaker 1: it does seem like a danger if someone to be
9:23
Speaker 1: convinced to have to be talked into a decision. That is,
9:27
Speaker 1: there are more life altering thing that happens to anyone
9:30
Speaker 1: than having a kid.
9:31
Speaker 2: No, no, no, it is the single most life altering
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Speaker 2: event that will ever happen to you. All right. Billy
9:37
Speaker 2: writes this, After having two children with my first wife,
9:41
Speaker 2: I had a vasectomy. After marrying my second wife, she
9:44
Speaker 2: decided she wanted children, knowing I'd had a sectamy.
9:49
Speaker 1: Okay, the same situation, Yes.
9:50
Speaker 2: Almost exact same situation. Billy says, I gave in and
9:54
Speaker 2: had a vasectomy reversal. Okay, all right, it isn't a
9:58
Speaker 2: major surgery, but it is very uncomfortable for a few days.
10:03
Speaker 2: The problem is vseectamy reversals rarely work. Mine didn't, and
10:08
Speaker 2: that led to a second divorce. Guys, be sure to
10:12
Speaker 2: discuss this at length with any woman you are considering marrying.
10:15
Speaker 2: You can save yourself a lot of grief by doing this.
10:18
Speaker 1: That was a really good I have been there and
10:22
Speaker 1: done that note. Don't you know, I haven't looked up.
10:25
Speaker 1: I don't know what the percentage is of how vasectomies.
10:28
Speaker 1: I thought we'd seen it at some point. But the
10:32
Speaker 1: idea that he is saying it doesn't matter I that
10:35
Speaker 1: vaseectamy works or not. This is going to end badly
10:39
Speaker 1: for you.
10:40
Speaker 2: Yeap, that is what he's saying. Oh my god, Yes,
10:45
Speaker 2: all right, So let's get in Steve, because I love
10:48
Speaker 2: what Steve had to say. His first response. His first
10:51
Speaker 2: word adopt exclamation points adopt. I had mine done, meaning
10:56
Speaker 2: he had a vasectomy. I had mine done about ten
10:59
Speaker 2: years ago, right after I turned thirty. I never wanted kids.
11:03
Speaker 2: My daughter is eighteen, so I've been thinking about starting
11:06
Speaker 2: over for a purpose. I adopted an eight year old.
11:10
Speaker 2: No diapers, no waking up every three hours to feed.
11:13
Speaker 2: We just throw the ball or kick the soccer ball
11:15
Speaker 2: every night and we're both happy. That was an interesting alternative.
11:21
Speaker 1: These are really good responses today, but that's a different option.
11:25
Speaker 1: It's essentially saying, change your focus. It's not necessarily about
11:29
Speaker 1: having your own biological children or having your own biological family.
11:33
Speaker 1: Even it's having your own unit, your own family, and
11:36
Speaker 1: you're doing it by actually helping out another human being
11:39
Speaker 1: and he desperately needs it.
11:40
Speaker 2: And interestingly, when you adopt an older child, they're obviously
11:44
Speaker 2: less adoptable in terms of what people are looking for
11:46
Speaker 2: or wanting. But you now don't have that old dad thing,
11:49
Speaker 2: because if you can get a little bit of an
11:51
Speaker 2: older child, you're not necessarily in the same boat as
11:53
Speaker 2: starting over with an infant at the age you're at.
11:56
Speaker 2: It was another way to look at it, and I
11:57
Speaker 2: thought it was an interesting option that I don't know
11:59
Speaker 2: if they've considered or not.
12:01
Speaker 1: And you know, I wouldn't have thought about that, but
12:03
Speaker 1: only people who have gone through this, and these are
12:06
Speaker 1: really good responses this time.
12:08
Speaker 2: Around, agreed, agreed, all right, want to get in Chris, So,
12:14
Speaker 2: I don't know if Chris is a man or a woman.
12:19
Speaker 2: I'm trying to look and see, all right. Chris writes this,
12:21
Speaker 2: You made your children and your choice, bravo, by the
12:25
Speaker 2: way she made hers when she married you, knowing you
12:29
Speaker 2: were fixed.
12:31
Speaker 1: Haha.
12:32
Speaker 2: Would she even make a good mother or is she
12:36
Speaker 2: just attempting to put her stamp on your marriage by
12:39
Speaker 2: also having children to be equal to your first wife.
12:43
Speaker 2: That is not at all uncommon and also a terrible
12:46
Speaker 2: reason to have a baby. If she's insistent at this stage,
12:49
Speaker 2: you need to ask yourself if you end up with
12:52
Speaker 2: two ex wives, do you want dual child support? Because that,
12:55
Speaker 2: my friend, is just as likely as whatever fantasy this
12:59
Speaker 2: woman has in her head about having your kids. Proceed
13:02
Speaker 2: with caution. I had never even thought about it from
13:05
Speaker 2: those perspectives at all. But an interesting point, that Chris
13:10
Speaker 2: is making a man or a woman? You said, I
13:12
Speaker 2: can't tell because Chris is one of those names that
13:14
Speaker 2: could go either way.
13:15
Speaker 1: Chris sounds like one of one of his boys, like
13:19
Speaker 1: warning him about everything. Yes, this could happen. Now, what
13:23
Speaker 1: if she does this? And then you're going to be
13:24
Speaker 1: divorced twice and then and so a lot of cautionary
13:27
Speaker 1: tales in there, which I don't mind.
13:30
Speaker 2: It's always worth I think you need to hear that.
13:32
Speaker 2: I think you need to be reminded of what could
13:34
Speaker 2: happen and look in this like, yes, we all have
13:37
Speaker 2: this dream in this hope when we marry someone obviously
13:39
Speaker 2: that you are going to stay married forever. But that
13:42
Speaker 2: is not the case in fifty percent of marriages, give
13:45
Speaker 2: or take, so you have to and second marriages, actually,
13:48
Speaker 2: I believe, have an even higher rate of failure. So
13:52
Speaker 2: you have to consider all of that that this isn't
13:54
Speaker 2: just about the marriage or her or saving her. It's
13:56
Speaker 2: about a child, a human being who will be in
13:59
Speaker 2: your life forever.
14:00
Speaker 1: Do you have stats on third marriages as well?
14:04
Speaker 2: No, but we can save that for the next episode.
14:07
Speaker 2: All right, when we come back, we're gonna hear from
14:10
Speaker 2: Larry Kay in June, who have some very different type
14:14
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15:19
Speaker 2: to this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our
15:22
Speaker 2: Ask Amy and TJ episode where we read your comments,
15:27
Speaker 2: the readers who chimed in to give our guy Dad
15:31
Speaker 2: who can't decide, some advice and some really good advice.
15:34
Speaker 2: This time around, I really appreciated, we appreciated the readers
15:37
Speaker 2: who wrote in to say what they have been through
15:40
Speaker 2: or what they think Dad who can't decide should do.
15:45
Speaker 2: So we hear this. We've got some long comments, people
15:49
Speaker 2: telling their stories, but Larry Kay kept it very simple,
15:52
Speaker 2: and I thought this was really interesting. Larry Kay said,
15:54
Speaker 2: this sounds like the old I'll just change him routine
15:58
Speaker 2: when someone tells you who they are. Listen.
16:01
Speaker 1: Look.
16:01
Speaker 2: I do think I'll speak for some women and for myself.
16:04
Speaker 2: You know what, I'll speak for myself. I do think
16:06
Speaker 2: a lot of us might go into relationships thinking, Okay,
16:09
Speaker 2: I like this guy, but I can change him. I
16:13
Speaker 2: can make him see things my way. I can get
16:16
Speaker 2: him on board with what I really want. I know
16:19
Speaker 2: that is manipulation, and I know that is not at
16:22
Speaker 2: all how we should proceed. But I think a lot
16:25
Speaker 2: of women do make that mistake. They hear what the
16:27
Speaker 2: guy says, but they think he's just saying that. Now,
16:30
Speaker 2: wait till he's madly in love with me, and then
16:32
Speaker 2: I can get him to do what I want. I
16:34
Speaker 2: don't know that that's the case here, but it is
16:37
Speaker 2: something I hadn't considered before that maybe she had all
16:40
Speaker 2: along wanted kids, but we don't know that for sure.
16:43
Speaker 2: A lot of the readers, a lot of the comments
16:46
Speaker 2: insinuated that she knew what she was getting into. She
16:49
Speaker 2: knew you had of a sectomy, she knew you didn't
16:51
Speaker 2: want more kids. This is incredibly manipulative on her part.
16:56
Speaker 1: I can see where that's coming from. The only reason
16:59
Speaker 1: I have a little issue with that is because it's
17:03
Speaker 1: of a sectomy. This is not just a guy saying
17:06
Speaker 1: he doesn't want to have kids and you think you're
17:08
Speaker 1: going to convince him later. You're saying you're gonna have
17:11
Speaker 1: to convince a guy to have a serious surgery later. Yes,
17:16
Speaker 1: And it's for of a sectomy. That doesn't that often work.
17:20
Speaker 1: That's that's a lot of rolling of the dice and
17:22
Speaker 1: long term manipulation for aid and a plan. It's possible.
17:28
Speaker 1: And I know and you said you're speaking for women,
17:30
Speaker 1: but we've seen cases before. It can be some of
17:32
Speaker 1: a sectomy is one thing, or kids is one thing.
17:33
Speaker 1: It could be something even Yeah, he's wearing his beard
17:36
Speaker 1: like this now, but I bet later I can get
17:38
Speaker 1: him to trim and just you know.
17:40
Speaker 2: Absolutely, it's just all in the same in the same context.
17:44
Speaker 2: Something else interesting you Just because I was reading through
17:46
Speaker 2: all of these comments, I didn't put it in here
17:49
Speaker 2: to read out loud, but someone did point out with
17:51
Speaker 2: the sectames and we should I'm actually really interested. They said,
17:55
Speaker 2: if you wait more, If, if if there have been
17:58
Speaker 2: several years in between when you got the vasectomy and
18:01
Speaker 2: when it was reversed, your chances of it actually working
18:05
Speaker 2: go down significantly. So he said he had had a
18:07
Speaker 2: vasectomy around thirty five, and it wasn't until his early
18:10
Speaker 2: forties that he wanted he decided to try and have
18:13
Speaker 2: it reversed. Didn't work, and his doctor had told him
18:15
Speaker 2: when he got the vasectomy, don't worry, this can easily
18:18
Speaker 2: be reversed, so he thought when he was getting it,
18:20
Speaker 2: because he said, at the time he was dating an
18:22
Speaker 2: older woman who actually didn't want who couldn't have kids
18:25
Speaker 2: for reasons, and she didn't want to be on any
18:27
Speaker 2: kind of birth control, so he got the vasectomy for her,
18:31
Speaker 2: but then fell in love, you know, seven years later,
18:33
Speaker 2: with some younger woman and he could not have kids.
18:36
Speaker 2: So he just wanted to remind to all these men
18:38
Speaker 2: out there who were making decisions about getting a visseectomy
18:40
Speaker 2: in the first place, don't buy into this line that
18:43
Speaker 2: a doctor or a surgeon might sell you that you
18:46
Speaker 2: can easily have it reversed, because that's just not the case.
18:49
Speaker 2: He was saying. I thought that was interesting.
18:52
Speaker 1: Wow, I had no idea. I'm looking up all this.
18:56
Speaker 1: I'm looking at vaseectomy research. Here is a lot about pain.
19:03
Speaker 1: Can you reverse it? I'm trying to fine what the
19:08
Speaker 1: percentage of success the success radio is of a physeectomy.
19:12
Speaker 2: All I know is it's not guaranteed. It's certainly not guaranteed.
19:16
Speaker 2: All right, So here's this is from June, and I
19:18
Speaker 2: thought this was We're going to end on this one
19:20
Speaker 2: because it's a really interesting and a completely different tone
19:25
Speaker 2: from all the other comments that we received. So June
19:28
Speaker 2: wrote in this, I had my tubes tied because I
19:33
Speaker 2: didn't want to have any more kids with my husband.
19:36
Speaker 2: Key part of the statement is with my husband, he
19:39
Speaker 2: was a manchild that required more work than was worth it.
19:43
Speaker 2: Fast forward a few years after my divorce, I met
19:46
Speaker 2: the love of my life. I had a reversal and
19:50
Speaker 2: had two more amazing and beautiful children. So when we
19:53
Speaker 2: make this decision, there is context to be considered. She's
19:56
Speaker 2: also saying she thought she didn't want any more kids,
19:58
Speaker 2: but turns out she just didn't want any more kids
20:02
Speaker 2: with her then husband. So a lot of people. She
20:05
Speaker 2: is just warning people who are reading this. If you're
20:08
Speaker 2: thinking you don't want more kids, ask yourself, do I
20:11
Speaker 2: not want more kids period? Or do I just not
20:14
Speaker 2: want more kids with this other person who I'm with?
20:17
Speaker 2: And some people make decisions based on the relationship they're
20:20
Speaker 2: in versus their actual desire to have kids or to
20:24
Speaker 2: not have more kids.
20:26
Speaker 1: So she is opening the possibility that minds can change
20:31
Speaker 1: based on circumstances and who you're around. Correct, It's possible
20:35
Speaker 1: then that this man was done having kids with that woman.
20:41
Speaker 1: It's possible he recognized that, and maybe that's why he's
20:45
Speaker 1: not married to that woman anymore. Correct, So now he's
20:50
Speaker 1: he should examine should he ask him that himself that question?
20:54
Speaker 1: Do I want something now with this woman? Does he
20:59
Speaker 1: already have a knat desire for it? I would be
21:02
Speaker 1: curious to ask him that, you know.
21:03
Speaker 2: I said that this was the last comment, but there
21:05
Speaker 2: was one I was debating whether or not to add in,
21:07
Speaker 2: and I'm looking at it now and I want to
21:08
Speaker 2: add it because this is another completely different viewpoint that
21:13
Speaker 2: I think Dad, who can't decide, needs to actually hear,
21:19
Speaker 2: because again, to the point, this isn't necessarily about saving
21:23
Speaker 2: your marriage or saving your relationship. This is about another
21:26
Speaker 2: human being who you would be bringing into the world.
21:29
Speaker 2: Dan Oh says this, I'm lying here reading this story
21:34
Speaker 2: next to my sleeping ten year old daughter, who was
21:37
Speaker 2: born after my thirty four year old second wife begged
21:41
Speaker 2: me to get a reversal and have a child with
21:43
Speaker 2: her at forty six while we were madly in love.
21:47
Speaker 2: I already had two older children from my first marriage.
21:51
Speaker 2: Literally exactly the situation as dad, who can't decide, and
21:55
Speaker 2: he had the kid. Okay, shortly after she got what
21:58
Speaker 2: she wanted, she left me. So he has this beautiful
22:02
Speaker 2: ten year old daughter who he was sleeping next to
22:04
Speaker 2: us he was reading this. But second wife is gone
22:07
Speaker 2: and now he has his daughter. And look, he didn't
22:09
Speaker 2: say he regretted it. He didn't say that he didn't
22:12
Speaker 2: want to be with his daughter. But it is a
22:14
Speaker 2: reminder that it isn't about the relationship, it's about the child,
22:19
Speaker 2: and that's what you have to think about. I think
22:21
Speaker 2: that's a really that's probably a better note to end on,
22:23
Speaker 2: because that is what we're talking about, a child.
22:27
Speaker 1: That's hard because we're often talking about a family. We're
22:30
Speaker 1: talking about family. You and I went through this and
22:32
Speaker 1: had this conversation. I didn't expect to. But you can't
22:36
Speaker 1: help I'm with we're in a unit now that we
22:39
Speaker 1: have a design, you and I ain't thought about the
22:41
Speaker 1: possibility of kids. He ain't thought about I mean, before
22:45
Speaker 1: we ever started dating ten years ago, you weren't thinking
22:47
Speaker 1: about having a kid. And now we have something different
22:51
Speaker 1: and special in a unit that we don't need a
22:54
Speaker 1: kid to make us whole. We don't need a kid
22:57
Speaker 1: to take up any more of the time we have
23:00
Speaker 1: limits it but to have and to be with someone,
23:05
Speaker 1: to have a relationship like nothing you've had before, you
23:08
Speaker 1: can't help. It's in us all you can't help but
23:12
Speaker 1: want Wow, if we had a kit together, that's all.
23:16
Speaker 1: You can't help it.
23:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's some I think it's biology. I
23:19
Speaker 2: think it's nature. I think when you find that person
23:22
Speaker 2: you want to be with, you want to share that beautiful,
23:25
Speaker 2: special thing that you can only share with someone who, yeah,
23:28
Speaker 2: you're connected with like that, So it makes sense.
23:30
Speaker 1: I like and I know. But again for everyone, I
23:32
Speaker 1: don't think anyone was mean spirited and the things you're read,
23:34
Speaker 1: but you get perspectives from all over folks saying, hey,
23:38
Speaker 1: watch out for that woman, check yourself, think about this.
23:42
Speaker 1: I love it. He got a full range of advice
23:45
Speaker 1: and some of it we can't give because we didn't
23:47
Speaker 1: go through what some of those folks said. So I
23:49
Speaker 1: love it.
23:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, But so thank you readers and listeners for chiming in.
23:53
Speaker 2: We always appreciate what you have to say. The perspective
23:56
Speaker 2: is amazing and we learn something every time one of
24:00
Speaker 2: these articles comes out, not just from the problems that
24:03
Speaker 2: are being posed to us, but the responses we get
24:06
Speaker 2: from all of you. So thank you for chiming in,
24:08
Speaker 2: Thank you for listening. We appreciate you. I'm Amy roback
24:12
Speaker 2: alongside TJ. Holmes. We hope you guys have a wonderful
24:14
Speaker 2: rest of your day.