Latest / Have A Little Faith with Delilah / Anxious Attachments

Transcript

Anxious Attachments · Have A Little Faith with Delilah

0:01
Speaker 1: Hi there, How are you welcome to another addition of
0:05
Speaker 1: have a little faith with Delilah. If you know me,
0:09
Speaker 1: if you have followed me on the air for any
0:12
Speaker 1: length of time, or if you know me in my
0:14
Speaker 1: personal life, you know that my faith to me is
0:17
Speaker 1: like the air that I breathe. I cannot live without oxygen,
0:22
Speaker 1: I cannot live without water. And for me, my faith
0:28
Speaker 1: is that important. It's as important as the air that
0:32
Speaker 1: I breathe, as the water that I drink. If I
0:34
Speaker 1: did not have my faith, I promise I would not
0:37
Speaker 1: be here. I wouldn't I wouldn't have made it through
0:41
Speaker 1: the trials and tribulations of life had I not had
0:45
Speaker 1: a solid foundation, a rock of faith. And I thank God.
0:52
Speaker 1: I thank God that he exists. And one of the
0:56
Speaker 1: gifts that God gives me is in information when I
1:02
Speaker 1: need it, information when I need it. And I have
1:06
Speaker 1: recently been learning counseling, discovering attachment styles. I'm embarrassed to
1:15
Speaker 1: admit that I have an anxious attachment style and it's
1:21
Speaker 1: caused me a lot of problems, a lot of problems
1:25
Speaker 1: in my relationships in my adult life, not with friendships,
1:30
Speaker 1: not with work relationships. My anxious attachment style has always existed,
1:37
Speaker 1: though since I was a teenager in the space of
1:41
Speaker 1: romantic In the context of romantic relationships, a person who
1:45
Speaker 1: has anxious attachments like me will almost always identify with
1:50
Speaker 1: the following statements. We crave closeness and reassurance pretty much constantly, yeah, constant.
2:01
Speaker 1: We fear rejection and abandonment, and we stay in really unhealthy,
2:07
Speaker 1: toxic relationships far too long because we are desperately afraid
2:15
Speaker 1: of rejection or abandonment. We worry that our partner or
2:20
Speaker 1: person doesn't really love us, and a lot of times
2:24
Speaker 1: we choose people who cannot attached to us, and so
2:28
Speaker 1: it's kind of a self fulfilling prophecy. We're attracted to
2:34
Speaker 1: the bad guys, the addicts, the alcoholics, the avoidance people
2:39
Speaker 1: who don't really attached to you, and then it's just
2:43
Speaker 1: a self fulfilling prophecy. We think I can make them
2:46
Speaker 1: love me. They've got to love me, oh, please love me.
2:49
Speaker 1: But they don't really love you because they're too busy
2:53
Speaker 1: with their addictions to even notice you. If you have
2:56
Speaker 1: ever felt any of those things or displayed in any
3:00
Speaker 1: of those behaviors in the context of a relationship and
3:04
Speaker 1: It could be with friends, it could be with family.
3:07
Speaker 1: For me, like I said, it's in romantic relationships. I
3:11
Speaker 1: am asking you to pay close attention to this episode
3:17
Speaker 1: and to my words. We all feel insecure for some
3:21
Speaker 1: very good reasons. Sometimes sometimes we feel insecure for very
3:27
Speaker 1: foolish or bad reasons. The strongest folks among us often
3:31
Speaker 1: need a break sometimes, So please be aware of how
3:36
Speaker 1: your behaviors, how your boundaries, are affecting the people in
3:42
Speaker 1: your relationships. The person you rely on and count on
3:47
Speaker 1: might be dealing with something overwhelming. They might need a
3:51
Speaker 1: little space, or they might be an anxiously attached person
3:57
Speaker 1: and they might need a little reassurance. I have a
4:00
Speaker 1: few calls tonight I want to share that explain this
4:04
Speaker 1: better than I ever could. The first one is Penny.
4:07
Speaker 1: Penny is having a hard time adjusting to her best
4:11
Speaker 1: friends shift of expanding her life, expanding her friends, expanding
4:17
Speaker 1: her horizons. And boy is that put in Penny, who
4:21
Speaker 1: is a little anxiously attached. I believe it's putting her
4:24
Speaker 1: right over the edge. Let's hear from Penny right now.
4:29
Speaker 2: Hi, writing's Penny.
4:31
Speaker 1: Penny, welcome aboard. What can I do for you?
4:35
Speaker 2: Hi? I have a little bit of a dilemma.
4:38
Speaker 1: Okay, tell me your Delilah dilemma, Penny, and I'll tell
4:42
Speaker 1: you what my two cents are worth.
4:45
Speaker 3: Thank you.
4:45
Speaker 2: So I've helped this really really close friend. She's like
4:50
Speaker 2: a sister.
4:52
Speaker 3: And anyway, we both.
4:54
Speaker 2: Graduated from college this past year or sorry, not college,
4:58
Speaker 2: from high school. And she moved around two hours away
5:04
Speaker 2: to Good University and she joined the sorority there and
5:10
Speaker 2: we stayed closed for the first few months for being away.
5:14
Speaker 2: But then at Christmas time when I saw her was
5:18
Speaker 2: she came home from break, I feel like something had shifted.
5:23
Speaker 2: It was really weird. When I asked how she was
5:26
Speaker 2: enjoying her stay back home, she told me that she
5:30
Speaker 2: really just dismissed school and her sorority friends and stuff.
5:35
Speaker 2: And just hearing that, I guess it kind of made
5:39
Speaker 2: me feel replaced. And everything it changed, Like I know
5:43
Speaker 2: that Christmas.
5:45
Speaker 3: Like there's not the gifts at all.
5:47
Speaker 2: But usually when we had exchanged gifts and stuff and
5:51
Speaker 2: Christmas has passed, it it be like super personal include
5:56
Speaker 2: a lot of fun made things, when this year it
5:58
Speaker 2: was just and it didn't have it. And it's the thoughtfulness.
6:02
Speaker 1: Penny, stop take a deep breath. I can feel your
6:06
Speaker 1: anxiety rising and your heartache rising, just as you relate
6:12
Speaker 1: your story. I want you to take a deep breath,
6:15
Speaker 1: and I want you to understand something. Okay, listen carefully
6:19
Speaker 1: to me. We all go through seasons in our life,
6:26
Speaker 1: and we never go through the same season as those
6:30
Speaker 1: we love at the exact same time. Always we do, sometimes,
6:36
Speaker 1: but not always. Sometimes we go through the same season
6:40
Speaker 1: when we're sharing our senior year with somebody and we're
6:43
Speaker 1: both seniors and we're both going to the same events
6:46
Speaker 1: and the same prom But then those seasons change. When
6:52
Speaker 1: I graduated high school, my two best friends got married
6:56
Speaker 1: and had kids within a few years, within a few months,
7:00
Speaker 1: and I was single without a child until I was
7:04
Speaker 1: twenty one, and I thought, wow, I'm missing out because
7:09
Speaker 1: my best friend Tash had her first baby at like
7:12
Speaker 1: eighteen nineteen and her second one at twenty. Because we
7:17
Speaker 1: were going through different seasons did not diminish the unique
7:23
Speaker 1: bond that we had. Yeah, and you and I have
7:27
Speaker 1: what are called anxious attachments, and so we look for
7:32
Speaker 1: evidence of people loving us, and we look for evidence
7:36
Speaker 1: of them not loving us, and we overthink everything and
7:42
Speaker 1: we log it in our brain and we look for
7:44
Speaker 1: patterns and we wonder, Okay, they text me four times
7:46
Speaker 1: last week, but this week they only text me twice.
7:48
Speaker 1: What does that mean? What does that mean? We have
7:52
Speaker 1: anxious attachments because when you were little and when I
7:56
Speaker 1: was little, for whatever reason, we thought we had to
7:58
Speaker 1: earn somebody's love, and we never felt secure attachments or
8:04
Speaker 1: secure in our love for the people that were supposed
8:08
Speaker 1: to be taking care of us. Yeah, so you need
8:13
Speaker 1: to learn about anxious attachments and say, hmm, how can
8:20
Speaker 1: I fix this in myself so that I'm not putting
8:26
Speaker 1: expectations on the people that I love.
8:29
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I have been trying to work on that
8:33
Speaker 2: this past month because I know in my family, I
8:36
Speaker 2: also have family members to have anxious attachments. Oh, I've
8:43
Speaker 2: seen how they handle it is feeling in a ways
8:46
Speaker 2: that run relationships. And while I'm young, I'm trying to
8:52
Speaker 2: avoid damaging relationships like they have. And I think, honestly,
8:58
Speaker 2: I'm a little bit scared of making my feeling members
9:02
Speaker 2: shaying mistakes.
9:03
Speaker 1: You know, and well, don't worry about theirs, and don't.
9:06
Speaker 1: All I'm asking you to do is learn about anxious attachments.
9:10
Speaker 1: If you go on social media, you can find lots
9:14
Speaker 1: of articles. You can find lots of therapists, You can
9:17
Speaker 1: find lots of people teaching and talking about anxious attachments
9:23
Speaker 1: and how we can reset our nervous system so we're
9:27
Speaker 1: not staring at our phone wondering if somebody is going
9:30
Speaker 1: to text us, wondering if somebody loves us, wondering if
9:33
Speaker 1: our love is good enough. Yeah, okay, yes, all right.
9:39
Speaker 1: I'm sending you big hugs, and I want you to know, Penny,
9:42
Speaker 1: you are wonderful, You are fine, You are okay. Your
9:46
Speaker 1: friend is adjusting. Instead of believing you're being rejected, can
9:53
Speaker 1: you find joy and happiness for her courage. That doesn't
9:57
Speaker 1: mean she's leaving you, she's navigating a new path. We
10:03
Speaker 1: can always celebrate for our friends when they are trying
10:07
Speaker 1: new things, when they are spreading their wings, when they
10:10
Speaker 1: are expanding their opportunities. So take a deep breath and
10:17
Speaker 1: rejoice for her, and know that you are wonderful just
10:21
Speaker 1: the way you are. Thank you, all right, God bless
10:25
Speaker 1: you up. Next, we have Carly. Carly is having an
10:29
Speaker 1: issue with her partner who has withdrawn a bit. During
10:32
Speaker 1: our conversation, I realize that Carly is making this person
10:36
Speaker 1: her entire world, her entire universe. Talk about putting somebody
10:40
Speaker 1: on a pedestal. I'm going to share Carly's story right now.
10:46
Speaker 1: Carl welcome. What can I do for you?
10:49
Speaker 3: I'm calling about my significant other, Kristen. Why I want
10:54
Speaker 3: to touch things.
10:54
Speaker 1: Up with Okay, take a deep breath and then tell
10:57
Speaker 1: me what is going on? What is fracture? What has
11:00
Speaker 1: put the wedge between you two things?
11:04
Speaker 3: Feels that I haven't been trying in our relationship, but
11:08
Speaker 3: I she makes my life worth living.
11:12
Speaker 1: Okay, stop right there. You have put her on a
11:15
Speaker 1: pedestal that no human being should ever be on.
11:18
Speaker 3: Honey, she makes everything better.
11:21
Speaker 1: Nope, nope, nope, nope. Go back thirty seconds and listen
11:26
Speaker 1: to what you said. You said she makes my life
11:29
Speaker 1: worth living. No human being can actually stay on that pedestal.
11:35
Speaker 1: Only the almighty can be on that pedestal, because when
11:39
Speaker 1: you give somebody else that kind of power over life
11:45
Speaker 1: being worth living, it's destined to fail. Not only that,
11:51
Speaker 1: but that makes it sound like without that person, life
11:55
Speaker 1: isn't worth living, which makes it sound like you got
11:57
Speaker 1: nothing to offer. Who wants a relationship with somebody who's
12:01
Speaker 1: that empty.
12:03
Speaker 3: That is true.
12:04
Speaker 1: So if you're involved in a relationship, whether it's a
12:07
Speaker 1: friendship or a romantic relationship with another person, and you
12:12
Speaker 1: say to them by your behavior and by your comments,
12:15
Speaker 1: like she's the reason life is worth living, what you're
12:18
Speaker 1: saying is I am bringing no food to the dining table.
12:22
Speaker 1: I am empty. I need you to fill me. I
12:25
Speaker 1: need you to give me the purpose. Who wants to
12:28
Speaker 1: show up at that dining table?
12:30
Speaker 3: Not many people will, no, So you need.
12:34
Speaker 1: To reframe that and rethink that if you don't have
12:38
Speaker 1: reason for living, because life is precious and valuable and beautiful,
12:43
Speaker 1: and there are mountains to climb, and there are trees
12:46
Speaker 1: to explore and birds to listen to, and dogs and
12:50
Speaker 1: cats to pat and children to love, and blue skies
12:54
Speaker 1: that are coming as soon as spring arrives, and bulbs
12:57
Speaker 1: poking their little daffodil heads up out of the If
13:01
Speaker 1: you don't have that thrill for living simply because God
13:05
Speaker 1: created you to be alive, if you need someone else
13:09
Speaker 1: to give you that reason for living, only a very
13:12
Speaker 1: broken person is going to want to couple with that.
13:15
Speaker 3: That's a very good advice.
13:17
Speaker 1: You need to be very secure in who you are
13:22
Speaker 1: and who God has created you to be, whether you're
13:26
Speaker 1: funny or more serious, whether you're loud and outgoing like
13:30
Speaker 1: me or more introverted and quiet, whether you're artistic and
13:34
Speaker 1: like to dance or skate or paint or create, or
13:38
Speaker 1: whether you're more logistical and like to build and analyze
13:42
Speaker 1: and look at the structure of things. Whoever you are,
13:46
Speaker 1: whatever your footprint on this world is, whatever your fingerprint is,
13:51
Speaker 1: you need to celebrate that, explore that, and then look
13:57
Speaker 1: for ways to share that with the right pace partner.
14:01
Speaker 4: Yeah, I believe she is the right partner, and I
14:04
Speaker 4: believe we could be soulmates.
14:06
Speaker 1: So heal that soul so that your reason for living
14:09
Speaker 1: is you and all of your wonderful qualities. And then
14:14
Speaker 1: share that.
14:15
Speaker 4: I am a fun person and I deserve to be
14:19
Speaker 4: loved for who I am.
14:20
Speaker 1: That's a start. Keep going. What kind of fun person
14:24
Speaker 1: do you laugh out loud at goofy movies? Do you
14:26
Speaker 1: laugh out loud at Hallmark cards? The kind of fun
14:29
Speaker 1: that likes to go explore beaches and tide pools and
14:34
Speaker 1: find living creatures and snuggle feral cats and try to
14:39
Speaker 1: tame them. What kind of fun person? What do you
14:43
Speaker 1: bring that you can offer up to somebody that you
14:47
Speaker 1: want to be coupled with.
14:49
Speaker 4: I'm a fun person and I I'm looking for the
14:52
Speaker 4: best things in life and finding small joys in everyday life,
14:58
Speaker 4: even if it's just simple opening a window in my
15:02
Speaker 4: car while driving.
15:04
Speaker 3: I love to sing loudly and off key with the
15:08
Speaker 3: radio all the time.
15:10
Speaker 1: I like you already. I think you'd be fun to
15:13
Speaker 1: hang out with. We could sing off key together. We
15:16
Speaker 1: could sing off key while listening to repeats of my show.
15:21
Speaker 3: That way.
15:23
Speaker 1: I don't know why there's division between you and the
15:26
Speaker 1: one that you love, but I do know you're precious
15:28
Speaker 1: and if she is the one that you're to be with,
15:32
Speaker 1: it'll work out in the way it's supposed to work out,
15:35
Speaker 1: in the time that it's supposed to work out. You
15:38
Speaker 1: just got to trust that soul you're not afraid to expose.
15:43
Speaker 1: It needs to trust in the Almighty who made it.
15:46
Speaker 1: Say this to yourself. I have to say this every day,
15:48
Speaker 1: especially when i'm because I have anxious attachments, and when
15:52
Speaker 1: I get attached to somebody when they're not responding the
15:55
Speaker 1: way I think they should be, I get anxious and
15:58
Speaker 1: I have to say everything is just as it is
16:01
Speaker 1: meant to be. God is working everything out for my
16:04
Speaker 1: greater good. Everything is just the way it is meant
16:07
Speaker 1: to be. God is working everything out for my greater good.
16:11
Speaker 3: Everything is meant to be.
16:13
Speaker 1: Everything is just as it is meant to be, and
16:16
Speaker 1: that releases you from the need to fix it, mend it,
16:19
Speaker 1: control it, push it this way, push it that way,
16:22
Speaker 1: analyze it, overthink it. Stop with the overthinking.
16:26
Speaker 3: I doing a lot of that.
16:28
Speaker 1: Oh I know. I keep myself awake all night, several
16:31
Speaker 1: nights in a row, sometimes overthinking things that I have
16:36
Speaker 1: no control over whatsoever, because God forbid I should actually
16:42
Speaker 1: go to sleep and get a good night's sleep and
16:44
Speaker 1: let him worry about that. Right, And then I have
16:48
Speaker 1: to take a step back and laugh at my foolishness
16:50
Speaker 1: because I'm not a kid, you know. I should have
16:53
Speaker 1: learned this in my twenties or my thirties, or at
16:56
Speaker 1: least by my forties. Please God, why didn't I get
16:59
Speaker 1: it through my head in my fifties.
17:02
Speaker 4: A good thing about being in love is that generally
17:05
Speaker 4: forgiveness and moving forward comes along with it to kind
17:10
Speaker 4: of go hand in hand.
17:11
Speaker 1: Sometimes sometimes letting go goes with it. But everything is
17:18
Speaker 1: as it is meant to be. God is working everything
17:21
Speaker 1: out for my greater good. Look up anxious attachments and
17:25
Speaker 1: see if you recognize your pattern there.
17:27
Speaker 3: Oh, I definitely think that I have an anxious attachment.
17:31
Speaker 1: Little did you know calling a radio station DJ and
17:34
Speaker 1: saying one foolish line would let her know just how
17:37
Speaker 1: anxious your attachments are.
17:38
Speaker 3: Huh Oh, I'm sure it shows.
17:41
Speaker 1: Go be strong, my friend. You are beautiful, You are
17:44
Speaker 1: fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves you. Thank you, have
17:49
Speaker 1: a good night. Up next, we have Jim last ball.
17:53
Speaker 1: He connected with a woman who was all in and
17:56
Speaker 1: then was all out. She was all she was connecting,
18:01
Speaker 1: she was there and then she wasn't. Jim is having
18:05
Speaker 1: a hard time realizing that she is not emotionally available. Jim,
18:12
Speaker 1: welcome to have a little faith with Deliah. Tell me
18:14
Speaker 1: what's on your mind tonight.
18:16
Speaker 5: Well, I had an old friend come back into my
18:21
Speaker 5: life and we had the greatest fall, I mean, the
18:25
Speaker 5: best fall, the best time. Reconnected, just picked up right
18:30
Speaker 5: where we left off. We laughed, We just had such
18:33
Speaker 5: a good time. And there are a series of events
18:35
Speaker 5: the last month things have just sort of changed. Her
18:40
Speaker 5: ex moved back in the area and the long story.
18:43
Speaker 5: But I'm afraid that I may have lost her again,
18:47
Speaker 5: and it's just ripping me in the inside.
18:50
Speaker 1: So she was an ex, she came back in your life.
18:52
Speaker 1: There were sparks, there were fireworks, there was hoopla, there
18:56
Speaker 1: was a joy, and then she ghosted you. She disappeared again.
19:00
Speaker 5: Pretty much. And it's a delicate situation and a lot
19:03
Speaker 5: of it's outside of her control.
19:05
Speaker 1: Wait, wait, how old is she is She an adult?
19:09
Speaker 1: She's twenty eight, So it's not outside of her control.
19:12
Speaker 1: It's very much inside of her control.
19:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, ma'am.
19:16
Speaker 1: So whatever choices that she is making, those are her choices, honey.
19:20
Speaker 1: She can blame someone else all she wants, but those
19:22
Speaker 1: are her choices. You're right, it's hard because you love
19:26
Speaker 1: somebody who is emotionally unavailable. But you knew that because
19:30
Speaker 1: she did this to you before, right, and you thought
19:33
Speaker 1: this time it's different. This time. She's not going to,
19:37
Speaker 1: you know, disappear this time. It's for real, roight, because
19:42
Speaker 1: she doesn't recognize in herself that real love when somebody
19:48
Speaker 1: is emotionally available and wants to be with you. Those
19:52
Speaker 1: of us that were raised with love that had to
19:58
Speaker 1: be earned, or love that wasn't permanent, or by people
20:02
Speaker 1: who showed up some of the times and not other times.
20:06
Speaker 1: We don't know how to love somebody who's emotionally available.
20:09
Speaker 1: It feels like claustrophobia to us.
20:13
Speaker 3: Now.
20:13
Speaker 5: I just I felt like, you know, she said ten
20:15
Speaker 5: years of chaos with this other guy, and I felt
20:18
Speaker 5: like I was kind of an.
20:18
Speaker 3: Off round that hey, we could do something different.
20:22
Speaker 1: And sadly she has not yet done the heavy work
20:24
Speaker 1: and the heavy lifting to heal her heart.
20:27
Speaker 5: That's her. That's amazing that you're just describing her perfectly
20:31
Speaker 5: and you've never you've never met us.
20:33
Speaker 1: You know, here's the good news. You want the good news.
20:36
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll figure it.
20:37
Speaker 1: If you can feel this strongly about someone who's the
20:41
Speaker 1: wrong one, just think how much you're gonna love the
20:45
Speaker 1: right one when God sends her your way.
20:48
Speaker 5: I really hope.
20:48
Speaker 1: So, Jim, I know, I know you had a moment
20:53
Speaker 1: with someone who was feeling what you were feeling for
20:55
Speaker 1: a moment and then hit the road. Please don't continue
21:00
Speaker 1: to try to figure this out or chase it. You
21:04
Speaker 1: will stay stuck, you will ruminate, your mind will be
21:08
Speaker 1: stuck in an endless loop. Of trying to figure out
21:12
Speaker 1: something that makes no sense. You deserve a committed love, Jim.
21:17
Speaker 1: Do not ever settle for anything less.
21:20
Speaker 3: God bless you.
21:20
Speaker 5: Thank you so much dellallah.
21:24
Speaker 1: As we wrap up this episode of Have a Little Faith,
21:27
Speaker 1: please know that anxious attachment is real. It can throw
21:32
Speaker 1: you for a loop. Most of us have, in different ways,
21:36
Speaker 1: been anxiously attached once or twice in our life. But
21:41
Speaker 1: if we recognize it, if we address it, if we
21:44
Speaker 1: talk about it, we stop feeling shame because of it
21:48
Speaker 1: and instead just accept it for what it is, then
21:52
Speaker 1: you'll be able to work through it. The real message
21:54
Speaker 1: here is that God is never anxiously attached to you.
22:01
Speaker 1: He will never leave you, He will never forsake you.
22:04
Speaker 1: He is the same yesterday, today and always. He is
22:08
Speaker 1: the rock that you can always, always, always count on,
22:12
Speaker 1: always believe him, always draw your strength from. If you
22:17
Speaker 1: make God the center of your life and not other people,
22:21
Speaker 1: you will be so much happier. I promise you that.
22:25
Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us for this episode of Have
22:29
Speaker 1: a Little Faith, and I will see you on the radio.
22:34
Speaker 4: Delve