Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 173: Feeling Invisible and Walked All Over? Doormat vs Welcome mat Energy

Transcript

173: Feeling Invisible and Walked All Over? Doormat vs Welcome mat Energy · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Now, as you may or may not know, I worked as an energy practitioner and a reflexologist before I became a coach, and I thought that today I would share a couple of experiences that I had from that time.
• 0:33
  Number one, because I think that they're pretty interesting, and number two, I think they'll be pretty relatable for you.
• 0:38
  So this episode might be a little bit more woowoo than what you're used to on here because let's be honest, I'm a little bit woowoo.
• 0:44
  But I think even if you're not into the woo, I think you still might be able to relate to these images and experiences that I'm gonna be sharing here.
• 0:52
  So sometimes when I'm doing reiki or an energy clearing on somebody, then I see images in my mind.
• 0:57
  And this doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes I do receive images.
• 1:01
  And one image came up in a particular session that was really fascinating to me, and this was before I was really focusing on the helpers, the healers, and the people pleasers.
• 1:10
  But that still seems to be who it was that was gravitating towards me in these sessions.
• 1:14
  So basically what I would do in a session is I would kind of scan their energy.
• 1:17
  I'd go from chakra to chakra to see where there might be some blocks or imbalances in their energy.
• 1:22
  So for example, I might notice a block in their throat chakra, and then we would kind of explore this block and see, okay, is it on the giving side, meaning that they're having a hard time speaking truth, or is it on the receiving side that maybe they're having a hard time receiving back truth from others or feedback from other people.
• 1:38
  So we kind of explore that a little bit, and then once we discover what's coming up for them, then we go ahead and clear it.
• 1:43
  So on this particular day then I saw a very distinct image on this client's solar plexus chakra.
• 1:50
  Now the solar plexus chakra is a chakra that represents our personal power.
• 1:54
  It is where our self-esteem is.
• 1:57
  It's where we have that self-identity, what it is that we're projecting out into the world.
• 2:01
  And the image that came into my mind was a welcome mat.
• 2:05
  It was one of those fake grass green welcome mats.
• 2:09
  And honestly, the image caught me so off guard.
• 2:12
  I am pretty sure I laughed for a second.
• 2:14
  I was a little bit confused.
• 2:16
  Now I do have many intuitive people that listen here on the podcast, so I'll kind of tell you a little bit about how I navigate it when I receive information, I try to just remain really curious about it.
• 2:27
  I wonder, okay, what does that mean?
• 2:30
  I try not to assume anything.
• 2:32
  So when I first saw the welcome mat and I thought, well, is this because she's such a warm and welcoming person?
• 2:38
  Like that's kind of what we think about when we think welcome mat, right?
• 2:41
  Is, oh yeah, come on in.
• 2:42
  This is great.
• 2:43
  But when I asked in my mind, is that what it represents, then I received a very different and less lighthearted answer.
• 2:50
  The answer I received was, no, it's actually not a welcome mat.
• 2:55
  It's a doormat.
• 2:57
  The energy that she's putting out into the world is that she will welcome any opportunity to be walked on.
• 3:05
  Of course, consciously, she didn't want this.
• 3:07
  That's not what she wanted to be putting out into the world.
• 3:10
  She wanted to be helpful and welcoming, yes, but she didn't wanna be walked on.
• 3:14
  She didn't wanna be taken advantage of.
• 3:17
  She didn't wanna be resentful in relationship.
• 3:19
  She didn't wanna be treated that way.
• 3:21
  And once I got that information, then the whole energy changed and I was able to just better understand her quiet pain.
• 3:28
  So as I told her the information that I was receiving, she was pretty shocked.
• 3:33
  She had been trying really hard to portray that welcome mat energy that, oh yeah, I'm so accommodating.
• 3:39
  I'm so warm and welcoming.
• 3:40
  Everybody, come on in.
• 3:42
  She really did want to love and serve other people, which all of us do, right?
• 3:45
  But underneath all of that, she really was feeling taken advantage of.
• 3:50
  She was feeling kind of resentful.
• 3:52
  She was feeling used.
• 3:53
  She was feeling like a doormat.
• 3:56
  So let's kind of talk for a little bit about the difference between welcome mat Energy and Doormat Energy, because on the outside they can look very similar.
• 4:06
  Both are positioned right in front of the door.
• 4:09
  Both give the impression of an invitation, but their energetic boundaries and how people engage with them are completely different.
• 4:17
  So first let's talk about welcome mat energy.
• 4:20
  Have you ever walked up to somebody's porch and you're just like, wow, like this just looks so beautiful.
• 4:25
  It's very nicely swept.
• 4:26
  There might be a cute little plant in the corner their Welcome mat.
• 4:29
  Just looks amazing.
• 4:31
  So that's kind of that welcome mat energy.
• 4:33
  Welcome mat energy says you are invited in, but on my terms.
• 4:37
  I'm going to keep things clean and tidy.
• 4:39
  I'm not going to be taking on what it is that you've got going on unless I choose to.
• 4:43
  Right.
• 4:43
  It's clean, it's intentional, it's grounded.
• 4:47
  A welcome mat isn't there to be stepped on mindlessly.
• 4:50
  I'm not going to, you know, go and like muck a barn and then go and just wipe my feet off on somebody's porch.
• 4:56
  Right.
• 4:57
  So, yes, A welcome mat is a symbol of hospitality.
• 5:00
  Sure.
• 5:00
  But it's one that's placed outside of the door and it's kind of a pause point.
• 5:05
  Where, yes, you wipe your feet, you knock, and then you wait to be welcomed in.
• 5:11
  Welcome mat.
• 5:12
  Energy comes from a place of wholeness and abundance and a place of protecting your space and protecting your peace.
• 5:19
  Welcome mat.
• 5:20
  Energy is happy to connect.
• 5:22
  It's happy to help, but they also know where the door is.
• 5:26
  And they like to keep their place tidy and clean and they know that they have a choice about who gets invited in.
• 5:32
  And when people do wipe their mess on the welcome mat, they're very quick to shake it off.
• 5:37
  They're very quick to clean it up.
• 5:38
  They're not going to allow that stuff to stay there.
• 5:40
  They're not going to allow other people's dirt to build up on their porch and define them.
• 5:46
  They're gonna keep the energy very clean.
• 5:49
  In short, welcome mat energy.
• 5:51
  It is clean, it is boundaried, and it demands respect from other people.
• 5:56
  Now doormat energy is a completely different vibe.
• 6:00
  Doormat energy is tired, it's overused, and it doesn't pause to ask, am I okay with this?
• 6:07
  It's kind of a free for all.
• 6:08
  So the the doormat is where you're gonna go and wipe off your mucking boots, right?
• 6:12
  It says, step on me.
• 6:13
  Bring your mess and I'll carry it for you.
• 6:15
  It's fine.
• 6:16
  I don't really care what happens here.
• 6:18
  Just leave all of your junk.
• 6:20
  And it's not even really a conscious invitation, this doormat energy, right?
• 6:25
  But it's just kind of a habitual one.
• 6:26
  It's, oh yeah, I can see that.
• 6:27
  That's where everybody else leaves their dirt, so I'm going to do that too.
• 6:31
  So somewhere along the line, then this person with doormat energy, they probably learned the lesson that allowing other people to use you is a way to feel included.
• 6:41
  It's a way to feel useful.
• 6:43
  And if you feel useful to somebody, then oftentimes we equate that with, I must be loved by them because I'm useful.
• 6:49
  We confuse love and usefulness.
• 6:52
  And maybe even being a doormat helps you to feel safe because like, okay, other people know what to expect of me, and if their needs are met, then I'll be safe, then I'll be protected.
• 7:03
  But the cost of this form of usefulness and inclusion, the cost of this doormat energy is resentment.
• 7:11
  Because when we show up with doormat energy, people don't pause.
• 7:15
  They do not wait to be invited in.
• 7:17
  They just assume that they're entitled to just wipe all of their stuff off on you.
• 7:22
  And before you know it, then you may be buried under layers and layers of everybody else's emotional grime.
• 7:27
  And you're not even sure when the last time is that you felt like yourself.
• 7:30
  You don't even remember what it's like to have a clean porch anymore.
• 7:35
  Now, many people pleasers think that they're putting out welcome mat energy, but if you're starting to feel resentful and drained, then that may be a sign that it is time to put some boundaries into place.
• 7:46
  It's a sign to let go of the things that you've been carrying for others and clean up your energetic space.
• 7:52
  And of course, shifting that energy is going to take more than just one podcast episode.
• 7:56
  So come and work with me.
• 7:57
  We can absolutely work on this, but here are a few things that can help if you find that you're maybe putting off some of that doormat energy and want to shift it into welcome mat energy.
• 8:06
  So if you find yourself feeling drained and resentful, ask yourself, where do I need to place a boundary to protect my peace?
• 8:13
  Is it a specific relationship that's keeping me drained?
• 8:16
  Or in other words, is it a specific person that's always leaving their dirt and grime on my porch, or is it kind of everybody?
• 8:23
  Am I now just the community catchall for everybody else's stuff?
• 8:27
  Is it that I may be over committed?
• 8:29
  Is it that I'm not making room for the things that light me up?
• 8:33
  Am I giving from a place of abundance and love?
• 8:36
  Or am I hoping that if I just self-sacrifice enough that I'll be able to eventually earn love and inclusion?
• 8:43
  Okay, so now here's my second story.
• 8:46
  So one time I was working on a client and when I got to their heart chakra, it was like I couldn't see it.
• 8:51
  It was like it was underneath a cloak of invisibility.
• 8:54
  So I just kept sitting in that space and energetically asking their heart to let me in, but it was like their heart was hiding.
• 9:01
  And as I worked with it and just gently asked, Hey, will you please let me in?
• 9:05
  It's safe for me to see you.
• 9:06
  It's going to be okay.
• 9:07
  I'll wait for permission, but is it okay if I see you?
• 9:11
  Then suddenly it felt like I was being energetically pulled through their heart's back door.
• 9:15
  Their front door was completely sealed off.
• 9:17
  Nothing could come in, but I was pulled in the back door and once I was pulled in the back door of their heart, then I was finally able to kind of look around and get a feel for things as to what was going on.
• 9:28
  And as I got talking with this person, I learned that in relationships, they often felt invisible.
• 9:34
  They're somebody that would traditionally do a lot for other people, but they didn't feel seen in a relationship.
• 9:40
  In fact, they often felt like they were wearing a cloak of invisibility.
• 9:43
  And sometimes it was even so extreme that when they were at parties, they felt like people forgot that they were there.
• 9:49
  Nobody was engaging with them.
• 9:51
  They were all talking to each other.
• 9:52
  They were just sitting in the corner thinking, I wonder if anybody's gonna come and talk to me.
• 9:56
  Do they even know that I'm here?
• 9:57
  And you know what's really interesting is working with recovering people pleasers.
• 10:02
  It's really interesting to see how many recovering people, pleasers are actually wearing a cloak of invisibility.
• 10:07
  They believe, well, maybe if I just hide my wants and needs, if I shrink myself.
• 10:12
  If I do enough for other people, then I'll be seen.
• 10:15
  And so they find themselves giving and giving and giving, and they're making themselves smaller and minimizing their own wants and needs and never giving voice to what it is that they need.
• 10:25
  In fact, the other person might not even be aware that they have needs in relationship.
• 10:28
  And so of course they're feeling invisible in that relationship.
• 10:34
  So if you are feeling invisible, I first want you to look at where it is that you're investing your energy and see if some changes need to be made.
• 10:42
  Sometimes if it's in a very specific relationship that you're feeling invisible.
• 10:46
  Our tendency is to want to invest more into that relationship.
• 10:49
  To think, oh, well, I just need to prove myself more.
• 10:51
  We invest a lot of mental and emotional energy trying to be seen by a specific person who may or may not be willing to see us.
• 10:57
  So I want you to first see, okay, is it happening all over the place?
• 11:00
  Is it in a specific relationship where I need to state boundaries?
• 11:03
  So get really clear on that.
• 11:05
  And also, I want you to really practice seeing yourself.
• 11:11
  Recovering people pleasers have a very hard time seeing themselves.
• 11:14
  They're, they're gonna be ruminating on how other people should be helpful, but they have a hard time identifying what their needs are.
• 11:20
  They have a harder time identifying what their wants are, and they have a really hard time giving voice to those wants and those needs.
• 11:26
  So practicing yourself and practice allowing other people to see you as well.
• 11:32
  Now it's often a coping mechanism to shrink ourselves and to pretend that we don't have wants and needs.
• 11:37
  It can feel safer to just observe from the shadows than to actually participate in relationship, to actually show up and allow yourself to be seen.
• 11:44
  It feels safer to not make a request at all than to risk making a request and being told no.
• 11:52
  But giving voice to your wants and needs, preferably before the resentment sets in, but it's never too late.
• 11:58
  But when we practice stating our wants and needs in relationship, then we're able to first of all, see who it is more clearly that's willing to reciprocate, to see who's willing to see us, to see who's willing to say, oh yeah, thank you for letting me know what your needs are.
• 12:12
  Most people aren't as intuitive as you are.
• 12:14
  You're probably somebody that kind of knows what it is that people need, so you volunteer before they've even had to ask.
• 12:19
  Most people do not have that superpower.
• 12:21
  They need you to give voice to your wants and needs so that they can know how to show up in a relationship.
• 12:26
  They probably desperately want to have a more balanced, reciprocal relationship because it does feel good to give.
• 12:31
  You know that because you're always giving.
• 12:33
  They want to help, but they just don't know how.
• 12:36
  So give voice to it, practice giving voice to it, preferably before the resentment sets in.
• 12:42
  And then see who's willing to reciprocate.
• 12:44
  And this also gives our brain the evidence that, okay, I am willing to see and acknowledge and give voice to my needs.
• 12:51
  I am willing to see myself.
• 12:53
  I'm not going to hide from myself anymore and pretend that I don't have needs and wants because my resentment tells me that's not true.
• 13:00
  When you're experiencing resentment, use that as information that, okay, something isn't sitting well with me.
• 13:06
  I'm not giving voice to something.
• 13:07
  Maybe it's that you need to state a request.
• 13:09
  Maybe it's that you need to speak up and give a boundary, but something is not right if you're experiencing that resentment.
• 13:15
  So if you are feeling invisible, I want you to ask yourself, okay, first of all, where specifically am I not feeling seen?
• 13:21
  Is it in a specific relationship?
• 13:23
  Is it in the community at large?
• 13:25
  And then kind of break it down and look at those individual relationships.
• 13:28
  So think about it.
• 13:29
  Okay, well, I'm not feeling seen right now.
• 13:31
  If there's one thing I wanted them to know about me right now, what would it be?
• 13:36
  And have I given voice to that?
• 13:39
  Or am I assuming that they should just know?
• 13:42
  What needs do I have right now?
• 13:44
  How can I fulfill that need for myself?
• 13:47
  And am I willing to make requests to allow others to show up in love and support for me?
• 13:53
  Or am I silencing my wants and needs in attempt to feel low maintenance or easy?
• 13:57
  That's oftentimes another coping mechanism where we're trying to receive that love and support by being somebody that we're not, right?
• 14:03
  So, oh, if I can just have no needs, and it's just so easy for them to be in a relationship with me.
• 14:08
  But the truth is that, and they've actually done studies on this, that people feel more connected to other people when they invest in them.
• 14:15
  So you're actually doing not only yourself, but the other person a service when you're willing to give voice to your wants and needs.
• 14:22
  Some other questions you can ask yourself is, do I feel like it is safe to be seen, and why or why not?
• 14:29
  Often, this goes back to some originals thing that happened to us, right where our need wasn't met, and so we just decided to shut down.
• 14:37
  And maybe that was a toxic relationship or maybe it was just that they didn't hear you clearly.
• 14:42
  Maybe it's that they were distracted with something else.
• 14:44
  We don't know what's going on there, but probably there was some time in your life where you received the messaging that no, it's not safe to be seen.
• 14:51
  It is not safe to express my wants and my needs in relationship.
• 14:55
  So get clear on that so that you can heal that part of yourself, and then practice leaning into those new relationships and recognizing that no, the healthy relationships are the ones where I'm able to express my wants and needs and be seen.
• 15:07
  That that's safe, that that is healthy.
• 15:11
  It can also be helpful to ask yourself, okay, what am I scared of?
• 15:15
  What am I scared that other people are going to see if I do allow myself to be seen?
• 15:21
  Oftentimes the thing that we're most scared of is that people are gonna find out that we're human, that we don't have it all together, that we've made mistakes, but it's those very vulnerabilities that help us to be more connected to other people.
• 15:34
  And I totally get it, that it can feel scary to be seen when you've conditioned yourself to believe that it's safer to hide.
• 15:40
  But guess what?
• 15:41
  You're a grownup now.
• 15:43
  It is safe to be seen, and you can and will find so many beautiful and authentic connections when you're willing to do so.
• 15:50
  So in closing, let's kind of just review quick welcome mat and doormat energy.
• 15:55
  They might look the same on the surface, but the intent and the boundaries and the emotional impact behind them are vastly different.
• 16:03
  One is offered from a very grounded and wholehearted place.
• 16:06
  A boundaried place.
• 16:08
  And then the other one comes from a deep desire to be accepted, often at the cost to self.
• 16:14
  So clean up your welcome map by shaking off the yuck that other people have left behind.
• 16:18
  And remember that you get to choose who it is that you open up your space and your energy to.
• 16:24
  And then just to recap the cloak of invisibility, many people pleasers wear a cloak of invisibility, and that can make it really hard to feel truly seen or valued in relationship.
• 16:34
  When you shrink yourself to feel safe or accepted, it actually creates distance in the very relationships where you're wanting to experience that closeness.
• 16:43
  So let yourself be seen.
• 16:45
  Allow yourself to be seen.
• 16:47
  Remember that you're a grownup now and your voice, energy, and experience, it can be such a gift to those around you.
• 16:54
  So practice intentionally removing that cloak of invisibility and speaking up in relationship.
• 17:01
  Allow yourself to be seen.
• 17:03
  That's the way to find true connection.
• 17:06
  The truth is that most people, they aren't intentionally choosing into doormat energy or choosing to wear a cloak of invisibility.
• 17:12
  They're just living out these old patterns that once help them to survive.
• 17:16
  But now they're also keeping them stuck.
• 17:19
  So if this sounds familiar, if you're recognizing that, you know what?
• 17:22
  I didn't even know that I was putting off doormat energy or that I was wearing a cloak of invisibility, I want you to know that it doesn't have to stay that way.
• 17:29
  You can shift your energy, you can create new patterns and you don't have to do it alone.
• 17:35
  If you feel like you're stuck in doormat energy or if you're tired of feeling invisible, please come and book a free clarity call with me.
• 17:42
  We can sit together and look at where your energy might be leaking, where it is that you might need a state of boundary or speak up and allow yourself to be seen.
• 17:49
  Sometimes the smallest change when done with intention, it can create the most significant positive changes.
• 17:57
  You are worthy of being seen, you're worthy of being supported, and you're allowed to clean off the mat and choose who gets access to the real and amazing you.
• 18:08
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 18:09
  Bye now.