Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #38 Defining Quality Time

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#38 Defining Quality Time · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is a Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 2: We are Lukin Susie and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 2: time poor parents who just want answers now.
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  Speaker 3: Luke Averril has written to us with a question. It's
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  Speaker 3: kind of a general question about the state of our
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  Speaker 3: lives today. Everyone is busy and working hard, there's a
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  Speaker 3: lot going on, and she's asked whether the time we're
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  Speaker 3: spending with our children today is actually quality time and
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  Speaker 3: what does define it as quality? Anyway to help answer
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  Speaker 3: this question, Doctor Justin coils them from Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 3: com dot au. Hello, Hello, good to see you. This
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  Speaker 3: is a have some quality time. It is good to
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  Speaker 3: have some quality time. Difficult question to answer, I think,
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  Speaker 3: so that's why we're throwing it to you. How do
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  Speaker 3: you tell if you're having quality time?
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  Speaker 4: If your eyes meet one another's eyes, if you can
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  Speaker 4: engage with each other without interruptions, chances are it's going
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  Speaker 4: to be some form of time. If your eyes are
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  Speaker 4: looking at a screen and if you're not really talking
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  Speaker 4: to each other, chances are it's not quality time.
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  Speaker 5: It really is that simple.
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  Speaker 4: In terms of what the data tell us, both mums
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  Speaker 4: and dads are spending more time with their children today
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  Speaker 4: than they have in decades, So that's great. Mums are
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  Speaker 4: still doing the bulk of the quote unquote parenting, and
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  Speaker 4: research shows that when dads are more involved with parenting
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  Speaker 4: that mum and dad are happier together. But in terms
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  Speaker 4: of time together, the numbers are on the rise. The
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  Speaker 4: numbers are still I think dreadfully low, especially for dads,
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  Speaker 4: but they're on the rise, which is really good news.
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  Speaker 4: I think dads are spending on average, fourteen minutes per
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  Speaker 4: day one on one with their kids.
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  Speaker 5: Fourteen minutes. I mean, hello, Helle Loujah, how exciting.
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  Speaker 1: Fourteen minutes kids, Let's do it now.
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  Speaker 4: You can't build a relationship when you're looking at the clock.
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  Speaker 4: You need to be looking at each other's eyes. Mums
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  Speaker 4: spend just over an hour with their kids per day,
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  Speaker 4: you know, in that sort of one on one dealing
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  Speaker 4: with the kids sort of stuff. But that doesn't necessarily
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  Speaker 4: mean it's quality time that includes.
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  Speaker 5: The wear your shoes, get your shoes. How many times
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  Speaker 5: do I have to tell you?
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  Speaker 1: I've told you?
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  Speaker 4: So, we're talking about time with kids one on one,
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  Speaker 4: not necessarily quality time. And I wouldn't suggest that time
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  Speaker 4: giving children instruction is necessarily going to be quality time.
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  Speaker 3: Can I ask about that one on one? Do you
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  Speaker 3: mean with each child that a mum is spending an
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  Speaker 3: hour with each child every day?
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  Speaker 4: Around around about that one one and a quarter hours
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  Speaker 4: every day. Now bear in mind that the average Australian
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  Speaker 4: family is not like mine with six children, not possible
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  Speaker 4: for us to spend one hour per day with our children.
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  Speaker 4: But the average family has about two kids to two
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  Speaker 4: point three or something like that, which means that parents
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  Speaker 4: could conceivably spend about an hour a day with each
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  Speaker 4: of their kids. By the time they do bath and
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  Speaker 4: meal time and story time and get the kids off
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  Speaker 4: to school.
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  Speaker 1: That would be the infant level would be higher.
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  Speaker 2: I would imagine, Yeah, yeah, for sure.
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  Speaker 4: So that's immensely doable, believe it or not. But dad's
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  Speaker 4: quite literally fourteen ish minutes per day. That was the
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  Speaker 4: last stat that I looked at from twenty sixteen. I think,
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  Speaker 4: so we can definitely do better. But in terms of
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  Speaker 4: quality time, it means that you're doing stuff together. I
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  Speaker 4: think the best way to do it is, say to
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  Speaker 4: just sit down tonight when you're at the dining table
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  Speaker 4: having dinner together with the screens off and look at
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  Speaker 4: the kids and say, what's the best time we've had
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  Speaker 4: together as a family lately? And I guarantee nobody is
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  Speaker 4: going to have a child that says, oh, do you
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  Speaker 4: remember last Saturday when we all sat in the lounge
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  Speaker 4: room and stared at our screens and watched youtubes.
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  Speaker 5: With our headphones in.
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  Speaker 1: That was the best family ti I've ever.
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  Speaker 4: They're going to say, we went camping, or we went
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  Speaker 4: to I don't know the theme park, so we went to
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  Speaker 4: the beach and we went on that hike, or we
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  Speaker 4: went for that bike rider, we went to the park.
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  Speaker 5: They're going to talk about things that you've done together.
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  Speaker 4: Maybe you pulled out the skip bobble, the Uno cards
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  Speaker 4: or the Phase ten cards and you played that for
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  Speaker 4: an hour and a half last weekend. Or maybe you're
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  Speaker 4: one of those families that does jinksaw puzzles or something
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  Speaker 4: I don't know, and everyone does their own thing, right,
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  Speaker 4: kick the footy, played netball. They're going to say those things,
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  Speaker 4: and that's that's your cue. You don't need a parenting
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  Speaker 4: expert to tell you how to have quality time.
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  Speaker 5: Ask your kids. They'll tell you. Right.
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  Speaker 2: Does let me ask you something specific to see does
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  Speaker 2: this count as quality in your mind.
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  Speaker 1: Going grocery shopping. I know that sounds good.
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  Speaker 2: I know it sounds silly, but so so often when
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  Speaker 2: I have a short trip like and I'm talking about
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  Speaker 2: there's big everything, stressful time specific. I've got three kids
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  Speaker 2: who are often they love their screens, and so if
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  Speaker 2: I'm just going to go to the shops, I go right,
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  Speaker 2: which one and I take one of them with me,
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  Speaker 2: as every single time it makes it slower for me,
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  Speaker 2: but I go, no, this is where we're gonna as
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  Speaker 2: we walk up and down the aisles, we're going to talk.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to get them to go get the bread
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  Speaker 2: for me because it's something that they can do, and
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  Speaker 2: just get them involved. So we're hanging out doing something together.
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  Speaker 2: I know it's grocery shopping, and I know, but we
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  Speaker 2: have Does that count?
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  Speaker 5: Yeah? I think so. I mean there's good, there's better,
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  Speaker 5: and there's best.
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  Speaker 4: It's clearly not camping, yes, but you know what, we've
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  Speaker 4: got to do the groceries. And if you're going to
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  Speaker 4: go down to the shops, so much better to take
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  Speaker 4: one of the kids with you and talk to them
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  Speaker 4: about their day, find out what's going on, talk to
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  Speaker 4: them about the party that's coming up, or you know,
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  Speaker 4: the outing that they've got with a friend.
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  Speaker 5: Why not, that's that's perfect, That's that's quality time.
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  Speaker 2: I can't say that they're necessarily enamored by it yet
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  Speaker 2: because they did paper rocks and the loser had to
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  Speaker 2: go with me.
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  Speaker 5: You need to make a better quality.
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  Speaker 1: I think it was more meat competing with the screens than.
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  Speaker 5: You can't compete sometimes I cannot.
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  Speaker 2: And we have a great time when we're there and
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  Speaker 2: they come back all excited. But yeah, it was the
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  Speaker 2: thought of them leaving the device. But I go part
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  Speaker 2: of it. That's that's sort of a lifestyle that maybe
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  Speaker 2: we're a part of as well, and I want to
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  Speaker 2: break that and I want to go like, yes we
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  Speaker 2: kick the footing, and yes I take them to AFL games.
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  Speaker 2: We have this dedicated time together. But I think even
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  Speaker 2: those day to day things that we can do for me,
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  Speaker 2: that's what I've been trying to do.
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  Speaker 1: So I just wanted to get a tick of approval.
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  Speaker 5: Good day of ord goes to Luke.
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  Speaker 1: I'd like to think my mom, there's.
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  Speaker 4: A couple of other things that we can do though,
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  Speaker 4: So in our home we try to have one games
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  Speaker 4: night a week.
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  Speaker 5: We try to have Super Saturday every Saturday.
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  Speaker 4: Which means that everyone gets up nice and early and
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  Speaker 4: we go and do something as a family. But you
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  Speaker 4: know what, I've got three teenagers, and sometimes when the
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  Speaker 4: alarm goes off at five point thirty on Saturday morning
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  Speaker 4: so that we can get where we're going and have
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  Speaker 4: a great day before it gets too hot, I'll have.
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  Speaker 5: Some teenager that just.
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  Speaker 4: Like yeah, and every now and again we just say, look,
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  Speaker 4: choice is yours, and sometimes they choose not to have
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  Speaker 4: that quality time. We don't want to force it because
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  Speaker 4: there's nothing worse than trying to drag a fourteen year old, winging, whining,
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  Speaker 4: complaining teenager to the top of a five k high
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  Speaker 4: cup upper mountain.
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  Speaker 5: It just doesn't work well.
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  Speaker 1: There probably is something just trying to drag a forty
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  Speaker 1: year old.
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  Speaker 4: Maybe maybe maybe, But it's about that quality time. It's
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  Speaker 4: about making sure that they know that they're valued and
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  Speaker 4: they're wanted and that we're interested in them.
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  Speaker 2: So you talked about I mean an eyeballing is one
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  Speaker 2: of the key things. But for me, and tell me
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  Speaker 2: if this works in future criteria for me, I'll go,
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  Speaker 2: what's the subconscious message that I'm sending the kids. And
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  Speaker 2: I got challenged by this because I counted time where
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  Speaker 2: I sat in the loungey and watching the same TV
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  Speaker 2: show as them, and then realizing that I wasn't necessarily
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  Speaker 2: choosing them, And so I went to my question. I
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  Speaker 2: asked myself, is is the subconscious message they're going to
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  Speaker 2: get from this time that I've chosen them over work,
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  Speaker 2: that I've chosen them over other things, that they know
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  Speaker 2: that they've got my attention.
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  Speaker 4: Look, it's a really tricky one. I'm so glad you
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  Speaker 4: brought that up, because there's some screen time in our
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  Speaker 4: house that works for us to have quality time.
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  Speaker 5: A couple of my.
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  Speaker 4: Girls, my second and third eldest, they're both in their
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  Speaker 4: teens now, and they've fallen in love with a TV
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  Speaker 4: show they love The Flash, and we have quality time
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  Speaker 4: with them one or two nights a week. We sit
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  Speaker 4: down and we watch an episode with them, Kylie, myself
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  Speaker 4: and those two kids, and they love it and they
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  Speaker 4: sit there and they giggle and they love at the TV.
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  Speaker 5: And then they look at us and they're like, isn't
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  Speaker 5: this awesome? And We're like, sure, it's that you went
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  Speaker 5: to their world. We've gone into their world. That's right.
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  Speaker 4: So I started off by saying that if their screens involved,
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  Speaker 4: it's not going to be quality time. But I need
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  Speaker 4: to just backpedal from that affraction because sometimes by honoring
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  Speaker 4: what they value, we get to enter their world and
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  Speaker 4: show that we care about them.
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  Speaker 2: Is that where that what I was saying before about effectively,
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  Speaker 2: you've subconsciously.
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  Speaker 1: Communicated to them, You've chosen that's correct. And then I've just.
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  Speaker 4: Chosen them because they know that that is literally the
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  Speaker 4: only I don't watch TV zero. That's just I don't
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  Speaker 4: have time for it, and they know that that's my
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  Speaker 4: life philosophy.
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  Speaker 5: I just don't have time for TV.
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  Speaker 4: And so they know that I am making a very
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  Speaker 4: deliberate choice to have that time with them.
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  Speaker 5: They actually treasure it.
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  Speaker 2: It's quite interesting because even with Susie and I, there's
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  Speaker 2: a show that we have that we love and a
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  Speaker 2: new episode comes out on Netflix each week, and we
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  Speaker 2: don't watch it individually, like we wait until we get
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  Speaker 2: a time where well, that's our thing together and whether
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  Speaker 2: it be first thing in the morning and whether it
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  Speaker 2: be after the kids are in bed at night. We
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  Speaker 2: watched Designated Survivor together together. It's almost like and the
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  Speaker 2: mere fact that it's something we share it makes it
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  Speaker 2: a bit more special than just watching an episode of
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  Speaker 2: a TV show.
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  Speaker 4: I'll still always argue that time away from screens will
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  Speaker 4: be of a higher quality.
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  Speaker 1: But I want to Yeah, you haven't seen disignatus?
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  Speaker 3: So what was the question that we're asking it around
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  Speaker 3: the dinner table tonight?
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  Speaker 4: The question that I want to ask is what was
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  Speaker 4: the best time we've had as a family recently?
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  Speaker 5: What's it been our favorite time together?
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  Speaker 3: Great to get some insight into what our children see
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  Speaker 3: as quality time with us. Great question, Averil. Thank you
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  Speaker 3: so much for sending that through, and thank you doctor
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  Speaker 3: Justin Coulson from Happy Families dot com.
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  Speaker 2: That are you.
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  Speaker 3: If you like some more information on how parenting can
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  Speaker 3: be a little bit easier in your family, there's resources
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  Speaker 3: available at the website happyfamilies dot com dot au, or
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: if you're interested in having doctor Justin Coulson speak at
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: your community, group, organization, or event, you can find out
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  Speaker 3: more at Justinculson dot com.