Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S4E19 - Is My Child Misbehaving—or Just Trying to Be Heard?

Transcript

S4E19 - Is My Child Misbehaving—or Just Trying to Be Heard? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
• 0:06
  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:10
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
• 0:11
  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:12
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
• 0:14
  I answer real parenting questions
• 0:16
  about behavior,
• 0:17
  emotions,
• 0:17
  and the parent-child relationship.
• 0:20
  In today's episode,
• 0:21
  I'm answering
• 0:23
  a hypothetical question
• 0:24
  that wasn't actually asked.
• 0:26
  I promise it'll make sense once I dive in.
• 0:29
  But I had an experience last week when I was traveling and
• 0:33
  I was trying to put myself in the shoes of the parents and
• 0:37
  I haven't been able to let it go and it's been more than a week.
• 0:39
  So I feel like it's something that
• 0:41
  I want to address.
• 0:42
  I think it's really important for us to talk about
• 0:45
  moments where
• 0:46
  we have a totally different perspective because we don't understand kids,
• 0:50
  and I think there's a lot of value in that.
• 0:51
  So,
• 0:52
  I want to make sure that
• 0:54
  we tackle that.
• 0:55
  By the way,
• 0:55
  if you are not signed up for my email newsletter.
• 0:59
  I communicate
• 1:00
  once a month about parenting stuff
• 1:03
  and resources and things that are happening.
• 1:06
  So,
• 1:06
  if you have not signed up for the newsletter,
• 1:08
  please go to playtherapy parenting.com,
• 1:11
  make sure that you get signed up and then you'll be able to stay in touch with me
• 1:15
  and I'll send you out
• 1:16
  some monthly goodies.
• 1:17
  So,
• 1:18
  I appreciate y'all.
• 1:19
  OK.
• 1:20
  So here's what happened.
• 1:21
  I
• 1:22
  was speaking in New Jersey and then I
• 1:24
  subsequently spoke in New York.
• 1:25
  So I was gone for 5 days
• 1:27
  with 2 different speaking engagements.
• 1:29
  And
• 1:30
  I was on the plane from Tampa to Newark.
• 1:34
  And
• 1:35
  there's a mom and a dad and probably a 3 year old in the row in front of me.
• 1:40
  And aside from the time that he took his nap.
• 1:45
  He
• 1:45
  whined and cried and fussed.
• 1:48
  The entire plane ride.
• 1:50
  Now,
• 1:50
  I know that for many of us that is literally like a grown moment where we're like,
• 1:54
  oh my gosh,
• 1:55
  that's my worst nightmare.
• 1:56
  Who wants to listen to a kid crying the whole plane ride?
• 1:58
  But that really has nothing to do with why I'm bringing this up.
• 2:01
  It,
• 2:01
  it was more about what was going on at a deeper level.
• 2:07
  I understand that.
• 2:10
  Sometimes you feel like you just want
• 2:13
  a rest and a break from your kids.
• 2:15
  We all have experienced that moment where
• 2:17
  we're exhausted and we're drained and we're just like,
• 2:20
  gosh,
• 2:20
  if I could just have a break.
• 2:23
  And I
• 2:23
  feel like maybe that was where the parents were.
• 2:25
  I'm not sure.
• 2:26
  Obviously I,
• 2:27
  I don't know their story and I don't know their history and all that,
• 2:29
  but
• 2:30
  Here's what I observed
• 2:32
  For the entirety of the plane ride with the exception of when he was asleep.
• 2:37
  They did not acknowledge him.
• 2:40
  Except to correct his behavior,
• 2:43
  to shush him,
• 2:45
  or to tell him to stop.
• 2:48
  A 2.5 hour plane ride.
• 2:51
  Where the only interaction that that little boy got from his mom and dad
• 2:56
  was when they wanted to correct his behavior
• 2:59
  because they were intolerant of what was going on.
• 3:03
  And why am I bringing this up?
• 3:04
  Because I sat there thinking,
• 3:07
  parents don't know what they don't know,
• 3:09
  and what would these parents want to know if they knew to ask?
• 3:13
  And that's why I'm talking about this
• 3:15
  because I typically answer real parents' questions,
• 3:17
  but
• 3:18
  I feel like I'm answering a question that they didn't know to ask,
• 3:21
  which is,
• 3:22
  what should I be doing differently?
• 3:25
  How should I be parenting differently?
• 3:26
  What do I not know?
• 3:28
  How could I interact differently?
• 3:28
  How could I interact differently?
• 3:30
  How could I communicate differently?
• 3:32
  How could I improve this situation?
• 3:35
  And so what I witnessed for 2.5 hours was
• 3:39
  every time he asked for something they ignored him.
• 3:41
  Every time he said something they ignored him.
• 3:44
  Every time he didn't want something they ignored him.
• 3:48
  And he would repeat himself over and over and over again.
• 3:51
  By the way,
• 3:51
  a really helpful litmus test
• 3:53
  of whether or not you're paying enough attention
• 3:55
  to your child as if they repeat themselves.
• 3:58
  This is true in the play room for us as therapists as well.
• 4:02
  That's one of the marks that we look for.
• 4:03
  Has the child said the same thing multiple times in a row?
• 4:07
  They're trying to get you to understand.
• 4:09
  They're trying to get you to understand.
• 4:09
  They're trying to get you to hear them.
• 4:11
  They're trying to get you to hear them.
• 4:12
  They're trying
• 4:12
  to get you to acknowledge that you've heard what
• 4:14
  they're saying and that it's important to them.
• 4:18
  He would say over and over and over again,
• 4:20
  I want this.
• 4:20
  I want this.
• 4:21
  I want this.
• 4:21
  I want this,
• 4:21
  and they would absolutely ignore him.
• 4:23
  And then what would happen?
• 4:24
  He would escalate.
• 4:25
  He would start to whine,
• 4:26
  he would start to flail,
• 4:27
  he would start to cry.
• 4:29
  He would,
• 4:29
  and then they would shush him and tell him to stop.
• 4:33
  It got to a point where he was kicking the seat in front of him
• 4:36
  and the dad was grabbing his legs and apologizing to the woman in the
• 4:40
  row in front of them because the little boy was kicking her seat.
• 4:44
  And
• 4:45
  you could see it on their face.
• 4:46
  They were so defeated and they were so frustrated.
• 4:49
  And my
• 4:51
  assistant traveled with me and so,
• 4:52
  but we were not sitting together.
• 4:54
  We were across the aisle from each other.
• 4:56
  So when we got on land and we went to
• 4:59
  get the Uber,
• 5:01
  I said to her,
• 5:03
  I know they think that he's a bad kid.
• 5:07
  And I know they think that he's exhausting.
• 5:10
  And I know they think that he's the problem and that he has uncontrollable behavior
• 5:15
  and that he is so difficult.
• 5:16
  And I said,
• 5:17
  and I can imagine that they wouldn't want to have another child
• 5:20
  because if they think that every kid acts like that.
• 5:24
  They would never subject
• 5:26
  themselves to having another one of him
• 5:27
  in their mind.
• 5:31
  And I'm going to flip that on its head.
• 5:33
  Because one of the things that we know
• 5:35
  is that children don't whine and cry and tantrum if their needs are met.
• 5:40
  And children don't whine and cry in tantrum if they're seen,
• 5:43
  heard,
• 5:43
  and understood.
• 5:46
  And children don't whine and cry in tantrum
• 5:48
  if they have.
• 5:49
  A really healthy relationship with a parent or a caregiver.
• 5:54
  And so I watched their defeat and their agony and their frustration
• 5:59
  and their intolerance and all these things and I thought,
• 6:02
  if you only knew
• 6:03
  that if you would.
• 6:05
  Interact differently,
• 6:06
  his behavior would change.
• 6:08
  What do we know about children?
• 6:09
  They behave in self-enhancing ways
• 6:11
  when they're in an unconditional relationship with an adult.
• 6:16
  And
• 6:17
  he just wanted
• 6:19
  to have conversation.
• 6:20
  He wanted to be heard.
• 6:21
  He wanted his needs met.
• 6:25
  And the,
• 6:26
  the final fight
• 6:27
  of the
• 6:29
  flight
• 6:30
  was he did not want to wear his seatbelt.
• 6:33
  And he said,
• 6:34
  I don't want to wear my seatbelt.
• 6:35
  I don't want to wear my seatbelt.
• 6:36
  I don't want to wear my seatbelt.
• 6:37
  And I mean,
• 6:37
  it went on for probably 5 minutes
• 6:39
  before he started thrashing and trying to rip it off and
• 6:43
  flailing and the whole thing.
• 6:46
  And I thought
• 6:47
  that's a simple reflection of content,
• 6:50
  which is say what the child says.
• 6:53
  And it's a simple limit,
• 6:55
  and it's a simple choice.
• 6:57
  This is what child-centered play therapy teaches.
• 7:00
  The child's needs,
• 7:02
  feelings,
• 7:02
  wishes,
• 7:02
  thoughts,
• 7:03
  behaviors,
• 7:03
  they're,
• 7:04
  they're all valid to the child.
• 7:06
  Sometimes a behavior needs a limit.
• 7:09
  But all the rest are fully acceptable.
• 7:11
  It's OK that you don't want to wear the seatbelt.
• 7:13
  I frankly don't want to wear a seatbelt for 2.5 hours.
• 7:16
  So
• 7:17
  a 3 year old doesn't understand that they need to be kept safe unless they're told.
• 7:22
  And so I kept working the dialogue in my head going,
• 7:25
  you really don't want to wear your seatbelt,
• 7:28
  but that's what keeps you safe on an airplane.
• 7:30
  You can choose to take it off as soon as you feel the plane bump.
• 7:34
  That means that we've landed
• 7:35
  and you no longer need to wear it anymore.
• 7:40
  If that conversation would have taken place,
• 7:43
  it would have immediately diffused the intensity of the
• 7:45
  emotion because the child would have felt heard.
• 7:47
  We know that as well.
• 7:48
  If a child just is validated.
• 7:51
  It diffuses the intensity of the emotion.
• 7:55
  And then setting the neutral limit.
• 7:58
  The seatbelt is for staying on because that's what keeps you safe.
• 8:02
  Kids know they need to be kept safe.
• 8:04
  And then he has the choice of taking it off as soon as
• 8:07
  he feels the plane bump,
• 8:09
  which means that we're on the ground.
• 8:13
  There were so many things that I wish those parents would have known.
• 8:15
  And so why am I sharing this with
• 8:18
  all of you?
• 8:19
  Because I think often it's easy for us to feel like our children are the problem.
• 8:24
  It's easy for us to get annoyed and irritated
• 8:26
  and have adulthood bias overtake our
• 8:29
  interactions.
• 8:31
  And what we fail to remember is kids are experiential,
• 8:35
  they're emotional,
• 8:37
  they're here and now.
• 8:39
  And they either like something or they don't.
• 8:43
  And
• 8:44
  they're human beings.
• 8:46
  They're not many adults.
• 8:48
  Let me be very clear,
• 8:49
  they are not many adults,
• 8:50
  but they are small beings.
• 8:53
  And their feelings matter and their experiences matter and their words matter
• 8:58
  and their requests matter.
• 9:00
  And the more that we engage and the more that we communicate,
• 9:05
  and the more that we help them feel validated
• 9:08
  and understood.
• 9:10
  They behave in more self-enhancing ways.
• 9:13
  So,
• 9:14
  my encouragement would be,
• 9:15
  please don't lose sight
• 9:17
  of the times that you might be the most frustrated
• 9:21
  with your child's behavior,
• 9:22
  might be the times where you need to change the most.
• 9:26
  Are you intolerant?
• 9:27
  Are you impatient?
• 9:28
  Are you quick to anger?
• 9:30
  Are you quick to anger?
• 9:30
  Are you quick to irritation?
• 9:32
  Are you quick to be dismissive?
• 9:34
  Are you one that says that's not a big deal?
• 9:36
  Are you one to say don't cry about that?
• 9:39
  Are you one to say
• 9:41
  we can deal with that tomorrow?
• 9:44
  All of these things are coming from our adulthood bias.
• 9:47
  For a child,
• 9:49
  it's the be all end all of the entire world,
• 9:51
  what they're dealing with.
• 9:53
  And children just want to know that someone gets it.
• 9:58
  So often we have to go down to their level
• 10:00
  and meet them in their emotion
• 10:02
  and in their experience.
• 10:04
  And we can't always give them what they want.
• 10:06
  He needed to stay strapped in.
• 10:09
  But
• 10:09
  he could have been given a choice.
• 10:11
  He could have been empowered.
• 10:13
  He could have been reassured.
• 10:15
  He could have been reassured.
• 10:15
  He could have been given the why the seatbelt had to stay on.
• 10:19
  And instead what he got was shh.
• 10:23
  And
• 10:24
  that makes a child feel that
• 10:26
  what's going on is not important.
• 10:29
  And think about a time when you felt like someone didn't care how you felt.
• 10:33
  Your thoughts and needs didn't matter to somebody.
• 10:36
  What was your response?
• 10:38
  Were you calm and happy and regulated and like,
• 10:40
  oh,
• 10:40
  this is just another happy day?
• 10:42
  I'm sure not.
• 10:45
  So
• 10:45
  very important lesson that I was reminded of
• 10:49
  on the plane,
• 10:49
  and I hope that it encourages you.
• 10:51
  I hope that you're able to recognize
• 10:53
  that
• 10:54
  we go down to kids,
• 10:55
  we don't expect kids to come up to us.
• 10:57
  They don't have the cognitive capacity to reason their way through anything.
• 11:01
  He can't talk himself out of not wanting to be strapped in.
• 11:04
  But we can meet him in his emotion and help
• 11:07
  him understand that he can take the seatbelt off soon.
• 11:10
  That's the goal.
• 11:11
  We go to our kids.
• 11:12
  We don't make them come up to us.
• 11:14
  Hope that encourages you.
• 11:15
  I love you all.
• 11:16
  Keep loving on your kids.
• 11:17
  We'll talk again soon.
• 11:18
  Bye.
• 11:20
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
• 11:24
  Brenna Hicks.
• 11:25
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 11:28
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.