Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Asaari Bibang - Standup show

Transcript

Asaari Bibang - Standup show · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. Thanks to Ja. What to do is go, come
• 0:24
  on, how are you? Well, I' ve already been introduced,
• 0:27
  but I' m going to repeat it, because this always requires it to
• 0:29
  be repeated. My name is Asari Vivan to Sari live and I don'
• 0:34
  t know what happens to people who always think that African names have meaning as
• 0:39
  well as super mystic. You know, like, I' ll roast the
• 0:46
  one that awaits the ancestors under a thousand- year- old bao bab.
• 0:47
  Who cracks you. I' m little together and I swear. I always
• 0:58
  have to spell it. Barcelona, Italy, Barcelona, alicante. I don
• 1:00
  ' t play the trivia, that is, I really imagine the past at
• 1:07
  poor Arno Swatzenegger' s school. You know was black esch wey is that
• 1:11
  last name has a double v. In the last name there are no cities
• 1:15
  to spell that surname for God' s sake or that man. They fucked
• 1:21
  him so much at school that he came back from the future to kill everyone.
• 1:26
  Four times four. I' ve received poofs with the name so badly
• 1:34
  written that I could think that my husband had a lover register in my house
• 1:46
  because I uh, dude, I don' t know there was a good
• 1:49
  guy around here that I' ve heard it before. I was super jealous,
• 1:53
  but from you, I' d be super jealous of you, but
• 1:57
  uh, but not jealous of it. It' s only if it gives
• 2:00
  me reason and no reason. I' m also a bad fool. No
• 2:05
  reason. I also tell my boy what you' re looking at. I
• 2:08
  don' t say look too much at nothing. Not like that, since
• 2:15
  you will. I' m jealous for now and jealousy and nothing, because
• 2:22
  really, between work and home children. My husband tells me there' s
• 2:25
  someone else and I tell him perfect when he starts. When it starts,
• 2:31
  I' m exhausted. There are really nights when I doubt a tra making
• 2:34
  love and playing dead. Dude, I' m not really being tricked or
• 2:44
  fucked up. They' re cheating on you. You' re fooled,
• 2:46
  because no one tells you that there' s a time in your life when
• 2:49
  putting romantics is making them out of socks. Nobody really tells you this.
• 2:54
  Marta' s name is my best friend. Marta is white, but if
• 2:58
  you think she' s black because once she wore gray braids we' ll
• 3:00
  talk about that other day, Marta' s name is her grandmother, her
• 3:05
  name was Marta her mother, her name was Marta her daughter, her name
• 3:09
  is Stevariz. No one understands. No one understands it because it' s
• 3:15
  called Stevalit the girl. The point is, he kills. Mira Yo said,
• 3:15
  before I have Stevanit, I' m going to Kenya. Yeah,
• 3:19
  Kenya' s gone, Marta. He came back from Kenya saying he wanted
• 3:23
  to go back to Africa and set up a school. I mean Marta,
• 3:24
  a school. No, no, you' re done winning, you'
• 3:27
  re going to end it in Kenya, which is also in another language.
• 3:30
  Seriously. Bata, seriously. Mata, don' t give me that.
• 3:34
  Please, she can' t keep secrets, Marta, she can' t
• 3:38
  keep secrets. You, Marta, tell her a secret and keep it on
• 3:42
  the desk, in a folder she puts on believe. Indeed. Yes,
• 3:49
  but it does a good thing. Marta introduced me to the fact that she
• 3:53
  ' s my husband today. We met at the library, a nightclub is
• 3:58
  here near his house and there we were. Marta and I are getting close
• 4:03
  to the kid, introducing him to me and telling me how I say nothing
• 4:05
  here in a whore and back, one is already an age, it is
• 4:12
  no longer unsettled. You know he doesn' t use a wave god around
• 4:16
  here on a whore and back, he presents it to me. I loved
• 4:18
  the gorgeous kid. One year he had me all without throwing out a Kiki
• 4:24
  miser that I said and this Friki colleague. A year the good guy can
• 4:33
  do it to you. One year he had me look at some pants and
• 4:35
  he' d run me friend. One year I had to tell my friend
• 4:41
  Mata I say thunderbolt, but there' s what I did to ask for
• 4:44
  your hand, I say what they want my hand for and if they already
• 4:46
  have two and it' s not used for anything, until one day I
• 4:59
  told myself I' m going to take you to the mountain and you'
• 5:06
  ll see the stars, I say and fuck ay fo and then I didn
• 5:14
  ' t really mean to look at the fucking oterations. You can believe the
• 5:15
  big bear, he wears the little one. He tells me you see the
• 5:17
  car I say yes, parked there, we go and then we fall for
• 5:24
  love. I introduced him to my parents because I' m like this,
• 5:26
  because I tell myself well afterwards so we' re going to cheat and we
• 5:30
  ' re here. If we went on our honeymoon to New York, I
• 5:31
  don' t know if you' ve been, uh, because it has
• 5:34
  a particularity of this, from New York, not to the United States.
• 5:36
  Not that you say America, because they call it that if from New York
• 5:41
  to Los Angeles, there, if you can just call it. We'
• 5:43
  re going to fuck up, for example, and from New York to Beverly
• 5:50
  His God. What luxury, what cars, what casmadre mine, what do
• 5:57
  you do to people, how beautiful, what shops? That' s where
• 6:00
  you realize you' re a bitch. Poor slut, poor thing, I
• 6:10
  mean, you see the labels on the clothes and you think the prices are
• 6:14
  real barcodes, so you don' t have to scan twice to believe what
• 6:16
  it says and you see that I before going into the store and I already
• 6:20
  told my husband love this store is expensive, it tells me how you know
• 6:24
  I say because there' s no easy music, well no fucking. Caso
• 6:31
  made me and drinking and we went to Vegas. If you have photophobia,
• 6:36
  don' t go. They have posters of these bright ones everywhere they put
• 6:41
  us in a posters these bright ones. Even inside the room I put huge
• 6:45
  well com, changed color and everything I put in front of, took off
• 6:47
  my clothes and felt like a stripper you know wonderful. Wonderful, for I
• 7:00
  and my young man came the vega, I come up and eat a mushroom.
• 7:05
  Hey and you don' t know what it' s like to get
• 7:10
  out of that hotel with that balloon and see the infe tower is all freedom
• 7:13
  and the ejito pyramid on the same street. How' s this going to
• 7:17
  go up, you know, but it' s not like the vegas is
• 7:21
  being horter. Of course, the problem is that then it gives you the
• 7:26
  downfall and it' s a brown that art in white being black by a
• 7:28
  yellow. I don' t recommend it, I don' t recommend it,
• 7:40
  and fuck the move is that you get it there in America and this
• 7:43
  rock has a problem until it already has problems. Now Hollywood, read for
• 7:45
  painting it all black. They say we fix the racial problem we have in
• 7:48
  the country and said Steve Steven Spielberg would ask me all about money. And
• 7:53
  now Hollywood has come up with seven o' clock waxes, secret agent being
• 7:58
  woman and black. How that' s gonna be secret. So hung up
• 8:13
  they want Michael b Jordan, a black actor, now to play Superman.
• 8:18
  Who does Superman and people so super- involved how he' s going to
• 8:22
  play Supermann, black actor. How and there were a lot of comments on
• 8:26
  the Internet, but one that I loved said Michael Bey Jordan can' t
• 8:31
  be Superman, because Superman is from the planet Clipton and in Cripton there are
• 8:39
  no blacks. What a bitch. Disgrace, how can you write that comment.
• 8:52
  The same thing happened with the little mermaid. I don' t know
• 8:56
  if you saw the controversy. The little mermaid isn' t that the sireni
• 9:01
  can' t be black, because it destroys the memories of my childhood I
• 9:05
  mean, not black, but half your mana, half your bass all,
• 9:20
  ohk no hello wave and with hermion the same also black. I say a
• 9:24
  little something. Hey, I understand the intent you have in Hollywood, but
• 9:28
  I don' t really see it. So now they' re coming to
• 9:31
  take all the superheroes and turn them into blacks, so I' m worried
• 9:35
  about what they' re gonna do when they get to Black Pantter. An
• 9:46
  experience of the United States is really going up very well about the honeymoon and
• 9:48
  we didn' t come back and already, we did tell them come,
• 9:54
  because since we are opposed, we put ourselves on. We arrived in Spain
• 9:56
  and I got pregnant and I tried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Twenty
• 10:01
  - five kilos I took eh tes of gestation, five of fluid retention and
• 10:05
  the rest of maffinche eggs with charizo. I got up my ass, Friends,
• 10:09
  up my ass? Did I put myself on? Up to the ass?
• 10:11
  And I don' t know what happens to the kinzan that you suddenly
• 10:15
  have a son and they start calling you things like a thousand you know a
• 10:22
  thousand non- mother I' d fuck, I mean, I think it
• 10:28
  ' s super ugly that I have to think about it. I don'
• 10:41
  t understand young people. The other day I was coming out of a bowling
• 10:45
  alley, uh, and in a bowling alley where I talked about Nelson Mandela
• 10:48
  and when I left, I got a thousand years away and he says sorry.
• 10:50
  I say what you say. They want Nelson Mandela, I mean what
• 10:52
  I did to label him for, but since I' m this nice.
• 11:03
  I mean, look. Nelson Mandela was a South African activist who spent twenty
• 11:09
  - five years in jail just for being black and came out Black is the
• 11:13
  worst case of reintegration in history. Okay, he didn' t reinsert,
• 11:22
  but he had a lot of courage. The 27- year- old guy
• 11:26
  unjustly imprisoned and came out with a message of peace. You watch big brother
• 11:30
  come out for three months of shit, because I' m out of the
• 11:43
  bowling alley. I get home and I get an instagram message that puts Sari
• 11:46
  Vivan. It has been tagged in a post to Sari Vivan and Nelson Mandela
• 11:54
  I said thank you. Chickens You' re after