Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1203 - Heartbroken: When Your Kid Says They’re Embarrassed by You

Transcript

#1203 - Heartbroken: When Your Kid Says They’re Embarrassed by You · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Your child is embarrassed by you. Your child doesn't want
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  Speaker 1: your showing up at school assembly? What do you do?
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Is this okay? Is it good? Is it bad? How
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  Speaker 1: do you? How do you deal with this? One? Tricky questions?
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Today we're answering another one on the Happy Families podcast
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  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions. Every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,
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  Speaker 1: we are Justin and Kylie Colson, and every Tuesday on
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  Speaker 1: the pod we answer your tricky questions about family and
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: relationships and parenting and well being and screens and discipline
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  Speaker 1: and school assemblies. If you'd like to submit a tricky question,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: we've got a super simple system at Happy Families dot
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: com dot You scroll down to podcasts, click the record button,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: start talking. It's literally all you've got to do. Or
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: you can email us a voice note to podcasts with
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  Speaker 1: an s podcast with an ess at Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot Au. All right, Kylie, let's have a listen
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  Speaker 1: to this one that comes from Amy in Melbourne.
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  Speaker 2: My eight year old told me today that she's embarrassed
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  Speaker 2: when I come to watch her performances and school assemblies
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  Speaker 2: or to help out at school. I asked for why
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  Speaker 2: and she said it just makes her feel embarrassed and
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  Speaker 2: that she doesn't like it. I felt a dugger through
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  Speaker 2: my heart, but told her that if she felt embarrassed,
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  Speaker 2: then I would respect her decision and not come. But
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  Speaker 2: I'm dying inside. I was always so sad as a
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  Speaker 2: kid when my mom didn't show up to things. Is
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  Speaker 2: this age eight appropriate? And how do I handle it? Well?
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  Speaker 1: Kylie? I don't know about you. I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: be cynical about this because I feel the dagger in
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  Speaker 1: the heart. I get it. You're laughing. You know where
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  Speaker 1: this is going, don't you.
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  Speaker 3: She's off the hook. She's off the hook.
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  Speaker 1: If I never have to go to another school assembly
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  Speaker 1: for the rest of the mine. I love that Amy
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  Speaker 1: wants to be there, and I get it right, Like
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  Speaker 1: you're proud of your child, they're going to be well.
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  Speaker 3: Take assemblies out of the equation. If your child says
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  Speaker 3: they don't want to be in your space because they're
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  Speaker 3: embarrassed by.
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  Speaker 1: You, all they don't when you're showing up and doing
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  Speaker 1: touch shop or volunteering in the class or.
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  Speaker 3: That's literally the worst thing you possibly be told by
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  Speaker 3: your child it is.
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  Speaker 1: It feels horrible, and you love your child and you
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  Speaker 1: just want to be involved, and they're saying, get out
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  Speaker 1: of my life, and it does hurt.
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  Speaker 3: So but I can promise you Amy, if you tell
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  Speaker 3: her that you want to take her out for ice cream,
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  Speaker 3: she'll be there in a flash.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: I don't think this is as much about her being
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  Speaker 3: embarrassed by you in general, but there's something specific about
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  Speaker 3: the school environment that leaves her feeling uncomfortable.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's just add the outset highlight what you're experiencing.
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  Speaker 1: Totally normal, happens to lots of parents, even with children
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  Speaker 1: as young as eight. I distinctly remember the day where
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  Speaker 1: I said to my parents when they took me to
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  Speaker 1: the movies with a friend, that's okay, I'll catch up.
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  Speaker 1: And I didn't want to be seen with my parents.
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  Speaker 1: My dad was wearing his polo shirt tucked in with
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  Speaker 1: his levies and his belt and his sneakers. I don't
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  Speaker 1: remember what mum was wearing, and Dad had the sort
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  Speaker 1: of the balding head and the mullet off the back,
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  Speaker 1: and I just thought, I can't be seen with this man.
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  Speaker 1: This is completely inappropriate. So my friend and I walked
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  Speaker 1: in about ten meters behind them. And our kids. I
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  Speaker 1: don't know. I don't want to make this about physical appearance,
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  Speaker 1: because that's not really what it is. I think what's
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  Speaker 1: really going on is, for whatever reason, they're becoming more
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  Speaker 1: self aware. They're starting to notice how they compared to peers.
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  Speaker 1: They're starting to develop their identity, and this is a
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  Speaker 1: developmental stage that can trigger unexpected reactions.
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  Speaker 3: I remember when I was in high school. My mum
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  Speaker 3: would come and pick me up and she would have
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  Speaker 3: her religious music blaring, like literally at the top of
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  Speaker 3: our stereo system, which was not a good.
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  Speaker 1: One choir in the high school car park.
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  Speaker 3: I love it, so I would get her to pick
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  Speaker 3: me up half an hour after school finished at the
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  Speaker 3: back gate.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I've got so much study to do. I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to be in the library. I'll sit with the back gate.
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  Speaker 3: Because inevitably I would open that car door and the
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  Speaker 3: music would just spill out all over the ground.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, Glori Hall Olivia. That sort of stuff. In all seriousness,
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  Speaker 1: it does hurt as a parent when your children are
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  Speaker 1: it feels like they're rejecting you. You're saying I'm here
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  Speaker 1: to support you, I want to celebrate your wins. That hurts,
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  Speaker 1: but I.
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  Speaker 3: Think for Amy, what's actually more is the fact that
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  Speaker 3: her experience as a child was about not having her
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  Speaker 3: parents there when she really really wanted them. And our
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  Speaker 3: whole experience is clouded by our own personal experiences and
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  Speaker 3: their perspective with which we take. So her heart's breaking
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  Speaker 3: because she knows what it feels like to not have
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  Speaker 3: a parent there and all of the emotion around that.
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  Speaker 3: There's a few things that really stand out. She has
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  Speaker 3: a child, number one, who feels completely comfortable to share
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  Speaker 3: her feelings, her inner feelings with her mum.
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  Speaker 1: Just doing it in a clumsy, insensitive, lacking empathy kind
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  Speaker 1: of way.
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  Speaker 3: That's huge. Yep, that's huge, even when it hurts. That's huge, And.
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  Speaker 1: That's developmentally normal that you'd have a child who's not
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  Speaker 1: particularly sensitive to your feelings. They are pretty egocentric.
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  Speaker 3: But number two, the recognition that you child is having
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  Speaker 3: their own experience. It's not tainted by yours. Your reaction
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  Speaker 3: is tainted by yours, but their experience is different. And
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  Speaker 3: to me, the fact that she doesn't need you there
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  Speaker 3: actually suggests that she knows you are there for her.
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  Speaker 3: It actually, to me suggests that you're doing a great
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  Speaker 3: job because your child doesn't feel like they need you
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  Speaker 3: to see everything that's going on in their world for
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  Speaker 3: them to feel seen, hurt in valued all value.
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  Speaker 1: Points feel it, yeah, all valid points. It still hurts, though,
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  Speaker 1: doesn't it? Because you just love your kids so much.
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  Speaker 1: After the break. A couple of action steps to help
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  Speaker 1: when your child is pushing you away and rejecting you. Okay, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: Amy's got a child who is saying, it's my life,
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  Speaker 1: stay out. I'm eight, I'm a big girl. Now, I've
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  Speaker 1: got my big girl pants. I'm I can do this.
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  Speaker 1: I've just got a couple of action steps that I
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  Speaker 1: think are going to be helpful. We can go through
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  Speaker 1: this reasonably quickly. I don't believe that it's massively complicated
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  Speaker 1: unless we want to make it so. So here are
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  Speaker 1: my action steps. Sit down and have a hot chocolate
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  Speaker 1: or a choky milkshake, some milk and cookies, just a treat,
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  Speaker 1: and say I want her a follow up conversation. The
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  Speaker 1: other day we were talking and you said to me
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  Speaker 1: that you were embarrassed if I came to school. Is
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  Speaker 1: it when I wave? Is it when I volunteer? Is
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  Speaker 1: it when I sit in a certain place? Is it
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  Speaker 1: because I go because I.
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  Speaker 3: Wear bright green pants shirts.
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  Speaker 1: Stream out, go Abby, You're the best in front of
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  Speaker 1: everybody when everyone's quiet, Like, get a little bit of
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  Speaker 1: a little bit of context around why she's feeling that way.
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  Speaker 1: I think her answer is probably going to reveal that
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  Speaker 1: you might be able to make some simple adjustments rather
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  Speaker 1: than be completely absent. They might not, but they may.
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  Speaker 3: So when our eldest daughter started swimming and she made
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  Speaker 3: it through to districts and regional, it got harder and
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  Speaker 3: harder for us to communicate together in a way that
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  Speaker 3: she felt comfortable with, especially once she was on the block,
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  Speaker 3: because I was the mum you know, who was pretty
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  Speaker 3: excited to see my daughter there and was larger than life.
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  Speaker 3: So we actually came up with a little trick to
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  Speaker 3: communicate together. So she would look up at me and
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  Speaker 3: I would actually just take my right ear and I
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  Speaker 3: would give it a wiggle with my hand, and she
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  Speaker 3: would know that number one, I saw her, and number
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  Speaker 3: two that I loved her and I was with her
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  Speaker 3: every step of the way, and she would return it.
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  Speaker 1: And you didn't have to scream that in front of
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  Speaker 1: everybody and make a spectacle.
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  Speaker 3: And it was just a beautiful way for us to
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  Speaker 3: communicate in a way that felt good for her.
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  Speaker 1: It's so practical. Here's my next idea, offer compromises. So
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  Speaker 1: you might say, well, what about if I sit in
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  Speaker 1: the back, or what if I show up but I
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  Speaker 1: don't volunteer, or what if I come to some events
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  Speaker 1: but not others? Which events would you be okay with
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  Speaker 1: me attending?
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  Speaker 3: So I think this is really important because I don't
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  Speaker 3: feel like just because your child says something that you
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  Speaker 3: should forego the things that are important to you as
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  Speaker 3: a parent.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and you're the one with the prefrontal cortex
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  Speaker 1: and you have feeling too.
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  Speaker 3: These are significant milestones that parents not should That's probably
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  Speaker 3: not the word I'm looking for, but we want to
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  Speaker 3: be a part of and so finding a compromise that
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  Speaker 3: works for both of you, like wiggling your ear with
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  Speaker 3: my eldest daughter.
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  Speaker 1: Or attending some events but not others, is a.
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  Speaker 3: Really beautiful way to acknowledge. I hear you, but my
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  Speaker 3: needs are important too.
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  Speaker 1: I want to pick up on that. The third thing
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  Speaker 1: that I was going to say really aligns nicely, and
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  Speaker 1: that is that we have the right as parents to
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  Speaker 1: share our feelings in an age appropriate way. With our kids.
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  Speaker 1: So a script like this. I get that you're embarrassed,
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  Speaker 1: and I respect that, and the.
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  Speaker 3: Last thing I want to do is leave you feeling
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  Speaker 3: that way.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, But I also feel a little bit sad
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  Speaker 1: because I love seeing you perform or I love seeing
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  Speaker 1: you do all the announcements on the assembly, and I'd
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  Speaker 1: love to find a solution that can work for both
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  Speaker 1: of us because you're important to me. And when we
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  Speaker 1: do that, our children hopefully will develop the empathy and
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  Speaker 1: have the compassion for our situation where they can say, well, yeah, okay,
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  Speaker 1: I get it. I reckon, I reckon. I can work
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  Speaker 1: with you on this. So that's pretty much it. I
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  Speaker 1: think this is likely going to be a temporary thing,
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  Speaker 1: particularly depending on how you respond to it. Amy kids
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  Speaker 1: feel differently about their parents being visible in their lives,
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  Speaker 1: depending on the age and stage of the child, and
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  Speaker 1: depending on the relationship and the connection and those sorts
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  Speaker 1: of things. I think have a chat with some other
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  Speaker 1: parents in the school see if the other kids are
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  Speaker 1: saying the same thing as well. Maybe this is one
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  Speaker 1: of those little cohort things where one child says it
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  Speaker 1: and then everyone else becomes a repeater. They all just
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  Speaker 1: decide to go down that track.
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  Speaker 3: It's interesting, once upon a time you would have had
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  Speaker 3: nearly every parent there representing a family because most of
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  Speaker 3: us stayed at home and we weren't in the workforce,
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  Speaker 3: And nowadays that's not it. So you're actually kind of
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  Speaker 3: the anomally if you are attending, because there aren't that
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  Speaker 3: many parents around. And so maybe for her, she's kind
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  Speaker 3: of like, why is my mom the only one who
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  Speaker 3: shows up? It literally could be just that simple.
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  Speaker 1: And I think again, building any you go.
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  Speaker 3: Up and give her a big hut in front of
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  Speaker 3: all of her friends.
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  Speaker 1: Trusting that this is support. Right. I love this child.
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  Speaker 1: I'm supporting her be supportive in all areas of her life,
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  Speaker 1: but not controlling. Supportive but not controlling, be involved. And
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  Speaker 1: I think that over time she'll look back one day
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  Speaker 1: and say, Mum, you're always there for me. You're always there,
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  Speaker 1: and we communicate it, and I just I'm so grateful
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  Speaker 1: that you made the effort even when I was resistant.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes this stuff just takes a while to come out
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  Speaker 1: of the wash. Hopefully, Amy, that's been helpful. If you'd
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: like to submit a question and have us wrestle with
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: your tricky question on a Tuesday. We've got a super
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: simple system Happy families dot com dot I. You scroll
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: down to where it says podcasts, click the record button,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: start talking. It's really that easy. Or you can email
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: us podcasts at happy families dot com dot you with
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: a voice note and we'll answer you at our next
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: available opportunity. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Roland from Bridge Media. More information and resources to make
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: your family happier, please visit us at happy families dot
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: com dot A.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: You