Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep7: Too Hot to Be Sad? 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep7: Too Hot to Be Sad? 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: How we doing Manhattan Beach?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: Alright, hell yeah, we got some date nights, ladies' nights.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: Look, I'm dating a nice Jewish boy.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: Uh a Jewish man, I should say.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: He's a he's a big man.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: He's a hood.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: He's a big, especially for a Jewish guy.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: He's like 5'7.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's crazy.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_02: He hates this joke.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, I'm 5'8 and three-quarters! Alright, you're 5'5, Bud.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: Relax.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's fine, by the way.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_02: And we met on an app, and that's also fine.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's the 2024.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: The first dating site came out in the 90s.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: We can stop acting like it's weird.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: And more importantly, I need my single ladies.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: Gotta quit blaming the apps for why you're alone.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: You sound insane, okay?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: I can't meet anyone because of the apps.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: You have two million people in a half a mile radius.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: You can't meet anyone.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: And you think it's the phone's fault.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: Especially if you're a lady trying to meet a man, swipe.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_02: Someone will show up.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: Honestly, fuck your phone.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_02: Walk out of your house.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: One of them will crawl out of a bush.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: I've been waiting for you.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: I just think we're giving technology too much credit when we say things like dating apps have ruined dating.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's ever been great.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: You think it was better before the apps?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: You think it was better when a stranger would approach you in public and be like, I was watching you from across the street.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: That's what you miss?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_02: When a guy who looked like a glazed pork coin would slide between you and your friend at a bar and be like, let me buy you a drink.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, just do a shot with me.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Just do one shot.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just do a shot with me, you fucking bitch.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You fucking stupid fat bitch.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to fuck you anyway, you slut hog.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, those were the days.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: The other day, one of my friends said, I wish it was how it used to be for our grandparents.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_02: Are you out of your fucking mind?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, our grandparents aren't still in love.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: They have arthritis, they can't find the paperwork.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's over for them, okay?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_02: She hated that.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_02: She doubled down.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: She's like, no, it's not the same for us.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: For women, trying to meet a man, it is not the same.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: Men used to pursue women.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: They pursued us.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, on foot, bitch.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_02: We were running from them.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: None of our grandpas are hopeless romantics.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone in here, your grandpa was a fucking psychopath.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: That man waited in a tree for a month during a thunderstorm outside your grandma's house.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: Just out there in the wind.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: You're not gonna get away from me, Beatrice! It's 1937.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: You're 18.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: You can't get a job, you're a woman.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: I'm all you got.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: Bartholomew down the street's not in this tree, it's just me.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: It's just good old Cornelius.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: He wrote her a letter every day for a year.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck is wrong with him?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: Get a job.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: I went on one date, one date with a man who then sent me three paragraph texts in a row.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Blocked him immediately.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Go to therapy, dude.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: My favorite is when people romanticize their non-driving grandmas.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: She never had to drive.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: He drove them everywhere.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't let her get a license.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_03: You're not driving out of my life, Nancy!
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: Or the house, that's always a cute one.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: My granddaddy built their house with his bare hands from the foundation up.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: He built the whole thing.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, he built the house.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: He had a secret family.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_02: He needed to know where to bury the bodies.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Are we picking up on a theme, everyone?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_02: Nana's not shaking from old age.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: It's PTSD.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: Don't worry.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: She doesn't know it's PTSD.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: They didn't have that back then.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: That's just the way it was!
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: Ask her about it next time she's puttering around the kitchen.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: She'll tell ya.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, sweetheart, of course he hit me.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: Well, don't you worry.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing takes a sting out of a smackeroo like ice cold marble flooring.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: Look at these things.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_02: He put them in himself.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: Bought him with his Coca-Cola stocks.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: Bless his heart.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: Don't feel bad for me.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Feel bad for Dorothy down the street.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: She has to fall to linoleum.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Ugh.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_02: Scuffs.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: My grandpa was a prisoner of war in World War II.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: Twice?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: Which.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: What are we doing?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: Clock out.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: You got the medal.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: Stay home.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: How bad do you hate your family that you're like, what's worse?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: Spending time with my children?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: Or being waterboarded?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: Fuck it, I'm going back.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: Sign me up, Sarge! I never got to ask him about his time in the war, though, because believe it or not, I'm not a total piece of shit.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: How do you even do that?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: Hey grandpa, I'm going to summer camp.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: What were those camps you went to like?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't do that.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: But as you get older, you start wondering more about your family.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: What was their life like?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_02: What did they go through?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: So I started looking him up online.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: Because as every man in here can tell you, there's a whole bunch of information about World War II on the internet.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: Everything I've found about my grandpa and World War II says he's missing in action.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: So now I'm like, was that guy even my grandpa?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: Or was that just some nut job who served with grandpa?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_02: Grandpa got obliterated on a beach in Normandy, and this guy Willard came back like, You're my wife now, Norma!
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: It's 1945.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_03: Women can't work in the factory anymore.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: Go whip up a casserole.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_02: And all of this to say we don't give our grandmas enough credit for what they went through.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: They're strong and they're brave and they dealt with some real shit.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_02: And we just go, there's Nana, one cheer for grandma, and that's fine.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: I get it.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: We don't all have the instinct to go crazy for grandma.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: 50% of grandma's huge cuts.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: We know.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: But you'd be a little bit of a bitch, too, if you were getting the right hook every time you overcook the chicken, you know?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, Jesus is right.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: He's he should have been there.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: You cannot like that joke, but I'm not the person you're mad at for that.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: That one you want to take up with Pap Pap.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: By the way, that's why they called him that.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: Pep! They dealt with a lot, and meanwhile, women my age are like, I'm also strong and brave because they talk about my mental illness on the internet.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what your social media feeds look like, but if I open my Instagram one more time and find a hot influencer talking about depression, I'm going live and I'm killing myself.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: I can't take it anymore.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: Hot women with depression?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, I don't believe you.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: And I don't care.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: You're gonna be fine.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: You sit there and be a sexy rain cloud, you'll figure it out.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: And I want to be clear, I believe that people struggle with depression.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: I just have a hard time believing someone suffering with it if they've monetized it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: I can't open my phone and be like, I hope this young woman's okay when I see someone going, I'm sad.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're sad too, use my code NAMASTAYRene for 10% off at BetterHealth.com.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: Are you depressed?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_02: Or are you bored because you're a hot influencer with a sugar daddy and you're like, everyone's hot now because of the filters?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: I need a thing.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: How do you get autism?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_02: Like, I have ADHD.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: Don't be fooled by the blowout.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_02: I am a pile of dirty laundry in a wing right now.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_02: So sometimes because of that, I'll get ADHD influencers on my Instagram Explore page.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_02: You ever see this?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: You click on it, perfectly curated aesthetic.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: There's a color scheme, a font.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_02: They've timed the release of every post like it's Adderall XR.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_02: You don't have anything that organized if you have ADHD, okay?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: I have it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone in here who has it knows what I mean when I tell you the most organized thing I do every week is that twice a week I'm wandering around my home in my underwear screaming, did I take the pills or not?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: And listen, this got a little aggressive.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_02: So I just want to say something before I get out of here, because I know I went a little crazy on the be nice to the be nice to the influencer.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: And it's LA, so there's probably some of you here.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: So if you are, if you are an influencer, which means you have influence, which is power, and you're hot.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: So you're hot and you're powerful.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: And you're making a bunch of money from that, so you're wealthy, and you're hot, and you're powerful, and you're still depressed.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe it's time to go, huh?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_02: Well, just hear me out.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: If just the hottest of the hot people, just like the Brad Pitts and the Margot Robbies of the world, if they just disappear, we all get hotter.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: That's relativity.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: That's what Albert Einstein was talking about.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: You're only as ugly as a sack of shit sitting next to you.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Trust me, I grew up in Alaska.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: We have four guys for every girl.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: You know how fucking delusional that made me?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: I shouldn't be up here, but I was homecoming queen.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: I don't even have a neck.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_02: You guys have been great.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Jessica Michelle Singleton.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.