Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 223. When Your Adult Child Pulls Away: Understanding Estrangement and What to Do Next

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223. When Your Adult Child Pulls Away: Understanding Estrangement and What to Do Next · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian Parenting.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinkelman, certified emptiness coach and you're listening to the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 0:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: This show is for Christian moms navigating the emptiness, learning how to let go with grace, set healthy boundaries, reconnected marriage, and step confidently into their God-given purpose.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each week, I'll coach you through this season with faith-filled encouragement,
• 0:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: on his conversations and practical tools that you can apply right away to your relationships and your life.
• 0:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: If this episode encourages you, I'd be grateful if you'd leave a quick rating and review.
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: It helps other moms find the support they need.
• 0:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find the link in the show notes and make sure you're following the podcast and let's get started.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today, we're talking about something that more moms are facing, but not enough are talking about, a strangement within adult child.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: It'd be you've ever felt the distance, the silence, or the confusion of not knowing where you stand with your child.
• 1:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: This episode is for you.
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're going to slow this down and look at it clearly.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: What it's strangement actually is, what it isn't and how often it forms over time.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And most importantly, we're going to talk about how you can show up in this
• 1:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: without losing yourself.
• 1:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So take a breath.
• 1:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not alone in this.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about it.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: One of the deepest pains a mom can carry is when her adult child pulls away.
• 1:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not just busy, not just distant.
• 1:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Go on.
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's spoken out loud.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want a relationship.
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's silence.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Text unanswered, calls ignored.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're left wondering what changed and how it got here.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a kind of shock that comes with this, and then the ache settles in.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: You replay conversations, you question yourself, you want to fix it fast.
• 1:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't how you picture your family, and yet, more and more moms are finding themselves here.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: A Strangement is layered, and it's not always easy to find, and it's often misunderstood.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about it clearly, what it isn't, and how you can show up in this kind of heartbreak without losing yourself.
• 2:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is a Strangement?
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: A Strangement is more than distance.
• 2:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a break in the relationship.
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's when an adult child pulls away in a way that shuts down connection.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Communication becomes strained or stops altogether.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You reach out and get little to nothing back.
• 2:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Conversations if they happen feel tense, short, or unresolved.
• 2:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes it's said directly, I don't want a relationship right now, but more often it's unspoken.
• 2:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: They stop responding, they create space and keep it.
• 2:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: They put up a wall.
• 2:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's the heart of it, your child is saying, this feels too hard for me.
• 2:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: They may not have the words, they may not fully understand their emotions, but the result is the same.
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: They disconnect because they don't know how to move forward through the pain, the tension, or the conflict.
• 3:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And for many adult children, that distance feels like the only way they can cope.
• 3:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: What a strangement is not.
• 3:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not every hard moment means a strangement.
• 3:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: A disagreement is an astraignment.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: A boundary isn't a strangement.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even a season of distance doesn't automatically mean the relationship is over.
• 3:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your adult child is allowed to think differently than you, and they're allowed to set limits, and they're allowed to pull back at times as they figure out their own life.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is part of the healthy adult relationship.
• 3:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is part of learning how to be an adult.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to remember you won't agree on everything.
• 3:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Of course you've already experienced this.
• 3:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: There will be tension, especially around beliefs, choices,
• 3:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: and how life is lived, but that doesn't mean something is broken beyond repair.
• 4:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: It just means that two adults are learning how to stay connected while being different, and that might be the hardest part.
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Healthy relationships make room for honest conversation and respectful boundaries, and that's what grown ups do.
• 4:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you don't have to panic.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Every time something feels off, you don't have to walk on eggshells, afraid one wrong word will cost you the relationship.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: This comfort is not the same as disconnection.
• 4:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, when your child feels heard and respected, even in the disagreement, this built safety, and safety is what keeps the door open.
• 4:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's talk about how a strangement slowly happens.
• 4:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: A strangement rarely happens overnight.
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: It builds.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It starts with tension that's never quite resolved.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Conversations that end in frustration, misunderstandings that get brushed past instead of worked through.
• 5:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: The same patterns show up again and again.
• 5:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You try to talk.
• 5:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't go well.
• 5:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: They pull back, you reach harder, and nothing really gets settled in overtime.
• 5:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Communications starts to feel heavy, exhausting for both of you.
• 5:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listening gets replaced with defending, empathy gets lost and trying to be understood and both of you walk away feeling missed, and little by little.
• 5:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your child begins to create space, not always out of anger, sometimes out of weariness.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: It starts to feel easier to step back than to keep trying.
• 5:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Assumptions grow, hurt goes unspoken, lines get drawn without ever being clearly talked about until one day, the distance that forms slowly feels very real.
• 5:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you're left wondering how it got this far.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you searching for the perfect gift to celebrate the special moms, dads, and grads in your life?
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: We are thrilled to bring back the Christian parenting, mom, dads, and grads gift guide.
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this year's edition is our best one yet, whether you're honoring a loving mom, a devoted dad, or an inspiring grad we've got you covered with meaningful gifts they'll truly love.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: From Bibles and Study Tools to Encouraging Books, your Guaranteing Divine Something Special, for everyone on your gift list this spring, visit ChristianParenting.org for its slash gifts.
• 6:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: To explore the 2026 Mom Stats and Grads gift guide today, the link is also in the show notes.
• 6:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: The fourth thing you need to know about a strange mint is that there are common misbeliefs that mom's carry.
• 6:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: When the relationship is strained, your mind doesn't stay quiet.
• 6:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It fills in the gaps.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And all our minds go crazy.
• 6:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: We think things like, it must be my fault.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I should have done this differently, I failed them.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is never going to get better.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: These thoughts feel true in the moment, but they don't lead you anywhere good.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: They weigh you down with shame, and they keep you stuck, replaying the past instead of showing up well in the present.
• 7:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that kind of condemnation, that is not from God.
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, it's wise to reflect, it's good to own what's yours, but caring that entire weight of the relationship isn't yours to hold.
• 7:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your child has their own thoughts, their own wounds, their own choices.
• 7:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: This didn't form overnight, and it won't be healed by you taking all the blame.
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's needed now is clarity, humility, and a willingness to grow where God is asking you to grow.
• 7:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not for God and not for your story.
• 7:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Restoration is always close to His heart.
• 8:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: The fifth thing to know about Estrangement is the role of boundaries and personal responsibility.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is where things begin to shift.
• 8:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can't control your adult child.
• 8:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know that.
• 8:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: We all know that.
• 8:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you also can't force a connection.
• 8:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can't make them respond.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: But you can take an honest look at how you show up.
• 8:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you've been quick to defend, slow to listen, or dismissive of their feelings, this is your moment to do it differently.
• 8:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Slow down.
• 8:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Get curious.
• 8:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen without interrupting.
• 8:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen without trying to fix it.
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: You do not have to agree with everything they say, but you can acknowledge what they're feeling.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: That matters more than you think.
• 8:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Feeling heard creates safety, and safety is what makes connection possible.
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is gonna take humility on your part.
• 9:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's going to take restraint.
• 9:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: It takes a willingness to lay down your need to be right so that you can stay relational.
• 9:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: At the same time, I want you to remember this.
• 9:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your child is responsible for their choices, their responses, their willingness to engage.
• 9:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: That part isn't yours to carry.
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you hold both.
• 9:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: You show up with empathy, respect, and consistency, and you release the outcome to God.
• 9:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's the balance.
• 9:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You stay grounded in who you're called to be.
• 9:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: No matter how your child responds.
• 9:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are dearly loved.
• 9:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are held.
• 9:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are not abandoned.
• 9:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Guys, with you, he is for you.
• 9:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: You have to settle your heart on that.
• 9:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: The sixth thing to know about a strange mind is how to show up when the relationship is broken.
• 9:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is the part that can feel the hardest.
• 9:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to fix it, but you can't force your way back in.
• 10:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: So you must slow down.
• 10:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: This didn't fall apart overnight, and it won't be rebuilt overnight either.
• 10:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: There will be waiting.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: There will be unknowns, and you'll have to fight the pull towards bitterness and resentment when nothing seems to be changing.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Keep your heart soft.
• 10:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Love your child without strings attached.
• 10:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not to get a response.
• 10:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not to earn your way back in.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: If the door opens even a little, be ready to walk through it differently.
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen more.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Say less.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't rush to explain or defend.
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let your presence feel safe.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is what your child needs.
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in the questioning moments, keep releasing control.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: You place your child back into God's hands again and again.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you let him work where you can't, and you let him show you what's yours to change and what isn't.
• 11:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need discernment.
• 11:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: You need to be grounded and rooted in the Lord.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: You stay grounded in him.
• 11:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: You stay prayerful.
• 11:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's how you show up here.
• 11:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: No mom sets out to be here, and yet so many are.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: A strangement feels like an epidemic.
• 11:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: And being cut off by your adult child is a kind of heartbreak that's hard to put into words.
• 11:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You feel it in your chest, in your racing thoughts, and in the empty moments no one else sees.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And at the core of it, your child doesn't feel safe.
• 11:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: They don't know how to move through what they're feeling, so they step back.
• 11:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: That matters.
• 11:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: not as a place to take on all the blame, but as a place to grow in awareness.
• 11:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because it isn't about carrying shame, it's about learning a different way forward.
• 11:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: A way that makes room for listening, a way that lowers defensiveness.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can't control your child's choices, but you can become a safe place.
• 12:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can change how you show up.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can trust God with the parts that you cannot fix,
• 12:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: If this episode spoke to you, I want you to note this.
• 12:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: You are not the only mom walking through this.
• 12:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: It may feel quiet and isolating, but there are so many women carrying the same kind of heartache.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 12:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actual step to improve your life.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 12:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: This week I want you to get quiet and ask the Lord to reveal any way you are unintentionally making your adult child feel unsafe.
• 12:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Are you empathetic, a good listener, non-judgmental, not offering unsolicited advice, and then sit with God in that and do what he asks you to do.
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mama, I want you to keep showing up with a soft heart.
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Keep doing your part and keep placing your child into God's hands, even when nothing seems to be changing.
• 13:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: If this episode encouraged you, please share it with a friend who may need it too, and if you're looking for support in this season, I haven't loved to walk with you.
• 13:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can find more information about coaching in the show notes.
• 13:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace and Peace Mama, you've got this and God's got you.
• 13:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you so much for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama podcast.
• 13:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: My hope is that you leave each episode feeling encouraged, grounded, and clearer.
• 13:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Clearer about what you're feeling, what God may be stirring in you, and how to move forward in the season of the empty nest.
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through these conversations, I'm not just sharing stories, I'm coaching you, helping you name what's happening beneath the service, challenging the thoughts that keep you stuck and take intentional steps toward peace and confidence as a midlife mom.
• 14:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready to go deeper and want personalized coaching support,
• 14:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I invite you to apply for coaching.
• 14:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Coaching is a focused one-on-one space where we work together to gain clarity, process emotions, and discern what God is calling you to in this next chapter.
• 14:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: You'll find the application linked in the show notes, and let's stay connected.
• 14:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can find me on Instagram at PHinkleman.
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's P-H-E-M-K-E-L-M-A-N, or on Facebook at Bammala Higuman Emptinessed Coach.
• 14:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure out the season alone, Mama.
• 14:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Support and direction are possible, and I'm here when you're ready.