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EP #2 Cancer Wasn’t on the F***ing Schedule · Mane AF

• The Diagnosis: Hi, I'm Tyler Main. And I'm Renee Geerlings. And this is Maine AF, the podcast where we talk about midlife, marriage, mayhem, and the wake up calls that change the way you see your life. And this one is pretty personal. A few months ago, Tyler was diagnosed with breast cancer. Which was not exactly on my midlife. So today we're going back to the beginning, what we thought life looked like before cancer, how we found out, the appointments, the surgery, and the decision to start chemo. And what it actually feels like when you go from being a healthy guy, living your life to suddenly having an oncologist. We're taking this story one piece at a time. So this is part one from diagnosis through the first week of chemo, when something happened that made all of it feel a whole lot more real. My beard fell out. Yeah. That. we're on our second podcast. We are on our second podcast. Wow. And how are you feeling today? I'm feeling okay. I'm, you know, just I'm a week into another session of chemo. Fun, fun. But you gotta do it and And and it's just something that I gotta get through. I've got a a little bit more to go. And once I get through this, some radiation. I don't know how much radiation yet, but we'll see. Yeah. And today we are going to talk about the start of the journey. Yes, we are. But first of all, I gotta ask you, did I do anything to piss you off today or I know. I I got it I'm I feel like you were so under the weather this week that I have to be nicer to you. So I even cooked for you today. I know. I got cooked first meal in about a year and a half, two years. Yeah. So that's amazing. So I'm gonna let you off with I'm surprised you didn't go bullshit, but I cook you meals often. I have to I actually take photo evidence of the meals that I cook you in order to prove to other people that I am not trying to starve him. Who do you send those photos to? The neighbors. All right, let's get to it. Okay, all right, let's get to it. Everybody wants to hear about this. I know. the Today we're gonna talk about your diagnosis and w how that happened, what it felt like for you, what it was like for us to go through that. So let's Very quickly start at the beginning, where we were when we started to look at this lump. When did you first notice the lump? the first time I noticed, I think, was the last fall. I'm not exactly sure what month, because every like you say, every every month, day, and years even blending into each other. But I'm thinking cause since it was on my weight loss journey and to try and shed some visceral fat from my body is when I realized that there was that hard lump right next to my left nipple. And you say that was last fall, but I I don't know. I feel like you started talking about it late last summer, maybe even that there was something small there that you had noticed. But we don't know. We don't know is the answer. I that's the thing. Everything blends into the other, but You played it down. I played it down. Come I nagged you. You yes, about that and about many other things. But yeah, you nagged me and and I'm glad you did because I talked to our doctor. He said it's probably just lipoma and it's nothing, but if you want to check it out. Go to your dermatologist and and talk to them. So then I went to the dermatologist and the dermat Well, actually you came to me and said, it's nothing. I'm fine. Right. And I tried to dismiss it again. But then you said go to the dermatologist This spring was when I really got pushy about it. Yes, you got pushy. Especially after we lost your brother in March. Yeah. Yeah. That yeah, this year's been it's been a crazy ride. It's March, beginning of March. from my brother getting the call that my brother had a massive heart attack and was on life support and probably not gonna walk out of that hospital to going and seeing him and and just seeing him laying there was kind of eye-opening. But you came home and what did you say? Came home and I said, well at least I'm healthy. At least I'm healthy and I am fine. I'm in the best health of my life. And that's when we decided for me to go in and get the lump removed. So you went to the dermatologist. That was the first visit. Yep. Dermatologist said it's in the breast tissue. She couldn't do it. So she arranged for a surgeon to look at me. And this all happened very quickly. She arranged for the surgeon to look at me within a few days. The surgeon said, you probably want to get that out. It's probably nothing. and they were trying to set a date and it was set for they were looking at April 15th, and I said, I don't want tax day. And they said, Okay, well, we have an opening tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. Do you want to come and come in then? And I said, sure. And it it was April Fool's Day. So That is the day you had your surgery. That is the day I had my surgery and the lump removed. And you were And then I thought nothing of it because I was like, okay, I just had another lump removed out of my What was your big concern about your surgery? I was just more worried and telling the doctor, hey, don't disfigure me. Because I was like, I got a bad enough chest as it is. If I've got a concave hole in my chest, I was like, I didn't want that. And I'm not gonna rat you out, but I'm gonna rat you out because you didn't sleep the night before the surgery, not because you were worried about the lump. But because you were worried about what you were gonna look like after surgery. Well, yeah, because I didn't know. I mean, you you don't know. He was taking a fair size lump out of my body. I didn't know how much he was gonna remove. I did have quite a bit of fatty tissue. I still have a fair bit of fatty tissue as I'm playing with my boob now. but yeah, I d I didn't know. And I said, Hey, take it easy on it. Don't disfigure me. I make a living, you know. And I came in. I take my shirt off in my movies, but I came in after the surgery and you were holding the blanket over yourself like you were ashamed, like it was awful. And I was I was like, no, or how is it? How bad is it? Is it okay? I thought you'd have like you'd look like Frankenstein under there or something. There was nothing. He did such a beautiful job. There was I couldn't you couldn't even see that there was a scar. Honey, he did such a great job. They gave me good drugs. They did. I was waking up from a nice slumber too. So at that point, when you came home, you were home for almost a week before you got the results. Well, I got that I got that taken out on I think it was a Tuesday or Wednesday. And then I went on a trip, came back. I was thinking nothing of it. I'm I'm fine. I'm healthy. And came back, and that next Monday morning, I went into the office and saw the email that I had a my chart notification, went to the my chart notification and it I opened it up and it said invasive ductal carcinoma and I was like That doesn't sound good. So I came running up to you. It was about 6 a.m. I said, Hey, honey, I need you to come down and read this and decipher this code for me, this medical code. You drug yourself down to my office and I greatly appreciate it. I think I even made you a coffee, said, Honey, here here's a coffee. Well, I when you came into the room, the tone of your voice and just no I knew immediately. what you were looking at, because you said I got my my chart back and the tone of your voice, I knew it was bad news. Immediately I I knew. I knew what I was gonna find in there. There was really, I mean, for me, I there was only one thing I could think of, and and I was right. and and you brought me down and I started reading the My Chart. And there's not a lot of context on my chart. That's the difficult thing when you get a diagnosis like this by yourself. So I was cutting and pasting and putting into Google. And but yeah, it's it's But let me ask you this. until that, did you think it could be cancerous? I knew it never crossed my mind. I did. You did? I did. I it's the reason I was so worried about the whole thing and you going in. I was encouraged by the fact that none of the doctors seemed fairly concerned about it, but as a woman. We are taught from such a young age what to look for, if it's hard, if it's irregular. I mean, you had all of the things that were things I was told were red flags. Yeah. And so yes, I was I was very concerned. Well, thank you for being aggressive in telling me to get my ass in there and get tested and checked, because we would be in a different situation if I would let it go. Yeah. And I'm a processor. So as I was reading information, my thought was well, first of all, for you, like don't let him know you're upset because this is not my diagnosis. This is your diagnosis. And I don't want to upset you. Well, I was melting down as it was with hearing it. And I had two th I know you weren't wanting to make it worse. I I had two things that I had in my mind that that Got me through that moment. One was my friend Kara had in passing about a year previous told the story about her breast cancer and her experience with it. And she had said, just kind of off the off the cuff, off-handedly, that the doctor said to her, Yes, this is a very aggressive form, but you are so lucky that you have this now because we see it so often that we really know how to treat this. So I had that. I was holding on to that for dear life. No matter what it is, if it's breast cancer, they really know how to treat it. And the other thing was an account that I had followed was someone named Jace. The account was Jace Beats Cancer. And he had had non Hodgkin lymphoma. He's been through a hell of a battle. And and he's and he won. He's he's winning. And those two things for me were like the lighthouses in the fog. And I was just like, well, we we just need more information. That's my I just we need more information. We need to get the doctor on the horn. Right. And we tried to get the doctor on the horn, but it was like you know, but we have the special so so I was like, okay, who do I call? I knew it was too early for the surgeon. So I was texting our doctor. Because we have a 24 hour call with him. I was texting him to try and get him on the line. we were just trying to get anybody on the line. And I think who was the first doctor that we got on the line? And it was like around ten o'clock. So we had like four hours of stressing, like crazy, wondering what the next step was. It was Doctor Cox, I'm pretty sure. And he said, Well, you are a rare bird. Yes, I am. Yep. Rare bird. So there so that was and I have to ask you this question because I know for me, I didn't really look ahead of my of of like what finding information. I was not allowing my brain to see anything down the road. Right. Were you? At that point, I was still trying to process what was going on. And I I also was like, we had it, I thought we had it all cut out of us. And it said that it was all cut out, except for a a minimal minus one millimeter margin. they you only had a one millimeter margin on one side. Less than a millimeter margin on one side. So so in in my in my brain, I'm thinking everything is cut out. It should be fine, but still it's cancer. There better not be more. Yeah. And how did what next? How did your experience with your brother color that moment for you? Yeah, you know, I mean, seeing my brother laying there and knowing that I was not gonna ever talk to him again, and knowing that he was not gonna wake up. Was Tough. I guess it also But in this moment, how did how did that experience just happening did that affect you in this moment as you suddenly were confronted with your own diagnosis? Yeah, I realized that it's coming for all of us and you know, it just came for him. Is this it? You know, it that was going through my mind also. Is this it? Is this what's gonna take me out? And then I had to quickly shift my mind to no, this is not you because if you have a negative attitude like that, things can go badly very quickly. Okay, and I'm very big on manifesting and and stuff like that. So and we also we and we've talked about this a lot. I I talk about death. I I am not uncomfortable with the idea of death. You are the opposite of that. Right. It it tends to freak me out. I I and I maybe it's because I don't feel like I've accomplished all that I need to or want to. And thinking that this might be it was kind of kind of hard for me. Just about like. Trying to get a breath here is is hard for me with this chemo. I wonder what is all going on. But What were you most scared of that you weren't telling me? That this could be it. And that there if there is cancer there, where else is it in my body? Is it is it somewhere else too? Yeah. I mean, I didn't yeah, I mean, I know cancers are localized, but I also know that they can spread. I we didn't at that time know that it was a stage one. Yeah. So I was like, is there more? Right. So our next step. was we met with your oncologist, your surgical oncologist. Yes. Dr. Sroka. Dr. Shroka. Who is my new bestie? She's amazing and she is going to be on the show. She has agreed to come on and talk to us about all things that pertain to to this. And and at that point in time, I kind of wondered, did we rush things too quickly? Because did she need to get a look at it and see it to To see what it was. Yeah, because we did not do the biopsy. No, no biopsy you just took it out. Straight straight away take it out, get it out of me, and move on. So I don't know if that was a different way to approaching all of this, but now we're into a stage where we're now put into a position where we're doing preventative medicine instead of Well, when we met Doctor Sroko, we didn't know what we were at. No, we didn't know. We didn't know exactly what we were at there. And she took us through everything. Breast cancer one one. We learned the difference between yours, which was the ER positive versus the H E R two positive. we how they could affect me, how they could be different. But the food was right. And we learned that yours was ER positive, estrogen. Fed. I'm not coming up with the right words now. I'm flunking my pop quiz on breast cancer, but we learned that yours was fueled by estrogen, which was a surprise because you are the last person I look at and think estrogen. Yeah. I mean, who I mean, I have a soft side, but not that soft. So who to thunk that this could be the situation? Yeah. And and we got an education from Dr. Shroka. as to what we were dealing with, what we were looking at. And next steps. And the next steps. And she was. Which was she wanted to see if it had gone to any other lymph nodes. Lymph nodes or any other parts of the body. Right. So what they do is they go to the closest lymph node to the extraction point and remove some lymph nodes. So she removed three lymph nodes, I believe, correct? Mm-hmm. And they were Negative. There was no cancer in them. I do just want to nerd out a little bit. That was a fascinating process. You getting shot up with ir irradiated material so that it would drain, and then they could see where if he was with the material in in that chest area near the extraction point, seeing where it drained so that they could pinpoint the exact lymph nodes that would be affected. Where, and again we learned they've made such advances in recent years that a few years ago they would have just wiped them all out, looked for lymph nodes and taken them all, which can cause Yeah. And also the the the breast tissue basically gave me a mastectomy. Is it mystectomy? What is it where they were? What are you saying? She said she would have just years ago removed all of the breast tissue and the lymph nodes. Did I say the right word? You did, mastectomy. Okay, good. It would have I didn't say vasectomy. I said mussectomy. Yes, correct. And that would have been all the way up under your arm. Under the arm. And then would have been a whole different situation. And I would have had definitely had a concave chest at that time. Well, you would have had no chest. No chest. So yeah. So we're very, very fortunate to to be dealing with this in this day and age. She got the lymph nodes. We went in for the follow up appointment. And and you were very nervous at this one. Because this was another one of those that was like, now you'd gotten bad news. Now you had found out that you were in a very small club. Yes. You were beating the odds in a bad way. Yes. And how did you feel heading into that appointment to find out what the word was on your lymph nodes? That was Very str though, the whole process has been very stressful. That was concerning. Because I didn't know if it would if it had spread or anything. And of course, that wasn't on my my chart that we could see a negative on there or anything. We had to go in and hear it from her. and luckily she came in and said that they were all clear, but then I believe the next process was too Well, she came in scan, right? She came in and she said And she had predicted this. She actually thought you were a stage one. That's what she said the first time she met us, which I think made both of us feel the tumor, yes. We've felt pretty good. Yes. And she said, if you are a stage one, potentially we can just it it's already removed. We can just do radiation and a hormone blocker, and you'll be fine. Yeah. And I was okay, great. Right. Fine. So We go into the doctor's office. She says, I have some good news. All three lymph nodes came back clean. Yes. And I was like, Great. And I heard the big butt in the room. And I said, But what? And sh that's when she kind of got a little sad and said, but we have done some. More information digging on your tumor and the DNA of the tumor, and you have an oncotype of 43 out of 100, which by the way, I was like, that's only 43. 43 is very high in terms, it's the activity of the tumor, it's how aggressive the tumor is. Anything under 25, you can avoid. Chemotherapy. Anything twenty-five, twenty-four, you can avoid chemo. Anything over twenty-five is chemo. And you were a forty-three. Right. But then also, I if I'm correct, the the highest that they've ever seen is around a fifty. So I was right up there. Yeah. I'm tipping the scale pretty high. Yeah. So that was not good news to get. Right. But then I was thinking maybe it's because of the stuff that I did. Maybe it was from the drinking. Maybe it was from my testosterone hormone replacement. Maybe it was from the one round of peptides that I did. I did the wolverine stack. I thought, okay, maybe that, because that can increase Well, that might have caused the tumor to start or to grow faster. But to grow faster, which means it would be an aggressive ones. I don't think that affects the onco type. We'll have to I don't. We'll have to learn some more about that stuff. I don't think that affects the oncotype. I think the oncotype is just the particular DNA structure that tumor has. Okay. I'm not an oncologist though, so we'll have to find that. Yeah. Yeah. So they were they were concerned. So next steps was now you're saying next steps because I'm gonna leave out a step and then you're gonna recorrect me again. But I think it is the PET scan, right? Next yes. Next step was talking to Dr. Feinstein, who was your Medical oncologist. Which is a whole different oncologist from the surgical oncologist. He was going to give you the how many am I going to have for this process? Mm-hmm. He was going to give you the the estrogen blocker. He was going to recommend your next steps in terms of chemo and radiation. that a time it was said that I was gonna need and y how did you feel about that? I was not very happy. I was not I I in my mind it was removed from my body. I was not expecting to hear the word chemotherapy because I did not know what it was gonna do to my body. I don't like putting any kind of chemicals in my body. Hell, the few times I tried marijuana, I was like, Nope, don't like this. Get it out. Don't wanna do it. So doing Putting a chemical in my body that is gonna go from head to toe, try to wipe out cancer cells. I did not know what was going to happen. And of course, you see people who lose their hair, facial hair. I was like, this is a road that I wasn't sure that I was wanting to go down and it and if it was necessary to go down. I I'm as your wife, I'm gonna stop you a minute and I'm gonna take you back here because you're softening this a lot. You said absolutely hell to the no. I am not doing chemotherapy. Absolutely not. Right. I don't I don't care is what you said. Yes. And then we went in and we talked to Dr. Feinstein. I wasn't wanting it. And then we went in and talked to Dr. Feinstein, who was again the the bearer of bad news. Yes. that guy. I like him. He's a great guy. But but boy, you were mad at him. I was. Well, I mean, he came off like a funeral director to me. It didn't he wasn't giving me good news. Okay. That this is not fair though. Dr. Feinstein is a kind, serious, I got you type of person. He will look you in the eye and he will really support you. You but you understand that is all great. He was all supportive. You were listening to that. But as the patient, knowing that you've had cancer cut out of you and that there might be more in your body. And someone says you it is in your best interest to do this chemotherapy, otherwise it could come back in two to five years. And it's, you know, you're increasing your percentage of time. I heard that I was dying. Yeah. We walked out of the doctor and I said, well, that was like, I feel I feel good about this moving forward. I feel like we got this. And you looked at me and you said, What are you talking about? I'm gonna Die in two to three years. Well, and I just stopped in my tracks and looked at you like, What were we even in the same room? What are you what are you even talking about? Well, that is why I recommend taking a person with you. Like when this whole journey started, I said, Honey, you got to come with me to this because I am not going to absorb everything that I need to hear. As soon as you hear the word cancer, your mind goes to. I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna make it. And then you have to get out of that. But then while they're telling you the other things, it's like Charlie Brown's parents in your head going, wah, wah, wah, wah. Wah wah wah Yeah. And it's like so it's great that you were there to calm me down in the parking lot as I was storming to the car, because it was it it it was a very emotional thing. It's like I did not know what was gonna happen when I took that first chemo dose. And it doesn't help that it's not just one step to the next step. There are so many now, there are so many doctors involved. There are so many appointments that start coming through on multiple my charts and portals and trying to keep track of who's what when, how long they need to be in between, who's talking to each other. You have a new appointment with this doctor, you have a new appointment with this doctor. I think I'm how many doctors do I have? Like seven now, I believe, plus a genetics counselor. like we have a R doctor, the genot the dermatologist, the surgeon, oncologist, medical oncologist, your genetic counselor. Yeah, there's at least six or seven doctors, professionals that I'm dealing with. And then radiation. Now I've got a radiation doctor I have to go to and then Is it a urologist because of all the other stuff that's Yeah, well that was that was later. But that's later. You're jumping ahead in the story. No. Well, I I mean they said you're gonna have to talk to them, but When did we get the PET scan? That was this is the PET scan was after we talked after we talked to Dr. Feinstein. The PET scan came shortly after that. You had a PET scan and you had an MRI. Those were the two things that you had scheduled. Yes. And those I'm gonna tell you are the worst because the PET scan is something they inject. Into your system the day before. Yeah, it goes through your body. No, you it that's mm mm. That's the one that you got there, and I tried to go back with you and the woman was yeah. Okay. Then Well, you can't come back here with him because he's gonna be radioactive. Radioactive. Yep. And I was like, I that was the one that I had to sit for I will be in the car. That's where I had to sit for a half hour or an hour for it to go through my body. Radio irradiated sugar, I think, glucose or something they put into your bloodstream so that it goes through your body. So the whole time you're sitting there while this is going through your body, you're wondering what the hell they're pumping through your body to find this other stuff. And then you go in for the PET scan, which wasn't that bad. You know, you have to lay on the table, arms above your head, and just wait there for like the longest airport scan ever. Ever. It felt like I was there for hours, but it was only a few minutes, I believe. And they scan your whole body. To see if there is any other cancer in your body. But they don't tell you for a long time. For a long you're waiting for those results to come. And that is about the hardest part because you know that you've had something cut out of your body. You know that you had foreign matter in your system. And then you're wondering, did it go anywhere else? Do I have cancer in other parts of my body? And every little ache and pain that I had, I was like, God, is that. Something to worry about. Yeah. I I will tell you that we I lost my frickin' mind. That week was really rough for me. Because that week that that was the worst week, I think, for me, in terms of this is this is where we find out our future. Right. Right. Finding finding a tumor is one thing. that's it's it feels treatable, potentially curable. Finding out that it was somewhere else in your body that and that it had metastasized and looking at a different stage, which when they pulled your lymph nodes out, seemed like that would right. If it was linear, it goes from the local location to the lymph nodes to somewhere else. But then when your oncotype came back, it was like, my God, are we? gonna beat the odds one more time in a negative fashion. And this is but then we also should have realized a little bit, but but that's this is where you're not the professional. That was a stage one. Well, we but it might not have been. It might have been a stage four had that PET scan came back. And that was where it was like, for me, I was terrified, we might just blow right through stage two, stage three, and go straight to a stage four and find out that it's Luckily we've been that week of waiting. I know. We're we're we're letting the people know that it is a very stressful process to have to wait around for the test results when you are dealing with having something removed from your body that's cancerous. Right. So but then we got the good news. We've you know, the doctor called and said, All clear. Negative pets game. We we did we did a bit at that point though. There w there was some bickering going on between us. And I feel like Well, that's every day. That's every day. That's every that's our marriage. That's it's like it was leaking out. Like we we could not we could not have a conversation about what if what if the news is bad. Well, I didn't want it. I did I didn't want To manifest anything crazy. And I know it I just I just didn't want it. I didn't want to hear anything bad news. I didn't I didn't want to go, what if I wanted to wait and see. Nobody wants to hear that. But but we were not communicating. Right. You're a person that needs to prepare and wants to know what's going on in the I want to talk about all the eventualities of what could happen. And I was like, nope. I'm not gonna, I'm gonna wait and see where we're at. And that's which is that was a tough spot for me to be in because I can't be honest with you. You are my partner, and I cannot tell you I'm scared because I don't want because you're like, I don't manifest. But it's like, I'm not manifesting by saying I am genuinely terrified. I know, I know. And that was very insensitive me. We were bickering about other things, but I mean it's it's your diagnosis. And so I didn't feel also like it was necessarily right for me to like hang on you and be like, I'm so scared. Right. You kind of talk shit to me. Right. So there was a there was kind of a heavy, unspoken weight around the house. And and we're always busy. So we just kind of focused on the busy, but there was never a conversation where it was like, okay, but what if? I know. Well, it was weighing on my mind the whole time. I did not sleep at all those nights waiting to see what was gonna happen next and and just trying to figure out what was going to happen. And I think the thought of me having to at that point possibly face chemotherapy was something that I did not want to What's the word? I contemplate. I didn't want to contemplate. I didn't want to deal with. I wanted to put it back in the You do have a tendency to kinda not store things. Talk about things that I don't want to. Mm-hmm. La la la. Hands over the ears, eyes closed. La la la la. Well, I am married to you, so I do that quite often. I that's not my fault. I think you'd do that if you were married to anyone. Well, that's probably too. I think any guy does that. So this okay, so then so we were at we were at Dr. Feinstein's office, right? I'm forgetting. Where were we when we got the news? Because you got the news. For the second time, like we were we had to go back to him and I I I and and also I had to shake for those several days. What I heard from him was two to three, five years max. Now you did not hear that. I know I didn't hear that, but I had to shake it out of my brain. What you heard, because I was there. I had to shake it out of my brain, and you can tell me whatever you want, but until I'm feeling it in my bones, it ain't gonna I made the mistake of asking the doctor the question if this were to come back. How long, and distally somewhere else in the body, how long is that window? Like when would you expect to be seeing that? What is that window? And he said if it was going to come back, we would be looking for it in two to three years. Right. He did not say it's going to come back. He said that would be the window with a with an oncotype like this, with this high of activity. That's what we'd be looking at. so that was my fault. I asked the question that got the answer that spun you. Thank you. We did. We got the answer to the PET scan and the the MRI that you did also came in. At the same time, and it was good news. Good news. Finally, he was giving me good news. I was worried when this news came in that you were then going to put your hands over your ears, close your eyes, and la la la and say, I'm fine, I'm fine now. See, it's it's nowhere else. I'm not doing chemo. And I was so worried because you had pressed that doctor so hard so many times for the whys. Why do I need to do this? What happens if I don't do it? And it was a 27% chance that the cancer would come back, even though PET scan clean, lymph nodes clean, tumor out. 27% chance that there's a little floater. cell somewhere in your body that it's gonna come back. And if you did chemo, it took it down to seven percent. Which is a which is a twenty percent lowering. Right. Right? Right. I was really worried about that. At what point did you start to shift in your mentality, I'm not gonna do chemo to I am going to do chemo. I could see how much it was affecting you. I could see and I want to make sure that I am around for you. To take care of you, to take care of the family, and keep doing what I'm doing. I realized that I needed to step up to the plate and do this. And the way he explained it, it was gonna be the four rounds, couple hours of chemo each session. he explained about ports. I said, There's no damn way I'm getting a port. But he looked at my veins and said, Wow, you got good veins. I didn't always have good veins, but he was like, Yeah, you got good veins, we should be able to do it. Because there was no way I was gonna have a port put in. I I just couldn't, couldn't do that. So I agreed to do it. I I said, Okay, I gotta step up to the plate and do it. And so we we did. We actually scheduled, even though the doctor said don't do conventions because it's very hard on your immune system, we still scheduled cons in the window. We put we laid the the your convention schedule with the chemo schedule and we tried as best we could to avoid yeah, you did you overlapped that pretty much. We went to Cincinnati, we came home from Cincinnati Sunday night, heck. your bag for your first day of chemotherapy, what were you thinking? I I was scared shitless. I sat on the deck wondering what's gonna happen to me. I didn't know. I I, you know, you hear people, some people go through a chemo and breeze through it and it's fine. And you know, it's it it's not fine, but you know, you have the metal mouth and stuff like that, but they still do their they can still function somewhat. And then there's people that are just knocked to the ground. Mm-hmm. I didn't know where I was gonna sit in that. I didn't know if I was gonna be one of the ones that get knocked to the ground, if I was gonna What was the symptom that you were most worried about? Was it losing your hair? Was it nausea? Was it exhaustion? It it was probably the exhaustion, not being able to move, you know. I I mean it's a combination of all of and then losing the hair. I didn't have h hair to lose on the top of my head, but I had a beard to lose, so I was worried about that. But Yeah, it i it was just I sat on the the the porch. I get up quite a bit earlier than you. I sat out there probably for an hour just wondering what was gonna be the happening next. And then time came to go and I was exhausted. You were exhausted and it's like the clock, everything just started rolling faster and I was there and I they were saying They started you on the steroids the day before. They started me on the steroids the day before, but then they you get there, they go, Do you have any questions? Nope, nope, nope. Just get it in me. Why you know, they take your blood and everything, you're sitting around waiting. You were a little cranky. I was very cranky. I was like, Let's just get it over with. Until I needed to see what the hell until Nurse Nicole showed up. Nurse Nicole was great. And it was turned your frown upside down. Yes. It it helps to have great people in there dealing with you that That realize what you're going through and and and help you on the process. And every nurse there is fantastic and and was very, very helpful so far to take me on that step. There was one that took my blood though that was a little cranky pants, but she might have felt she might have just been responding to your cranky pants. Felt my cranky pants vibes and can't give it to me back. So as and you and we finished the first round of chemo. And how were you feeling? Were you surprised at how you were feeling? What did you think that was gonna be like? I First round of chemo, like you say, I was on the steroids. I was like, this is gonna be fine. I believe I came into your office and I was like, look at it. you ran out of the chemo session. Ran out of the chemo session because I was like, I've trailing after you survive this, you know. Got in the car. Steroids are kicking in, got in the car. I bl I drove home. Yeah, you were you were overjoyed. I was like, Okay, I could do this, I could do this. I'm coming off of a convention, not on steroids, exhausted. Sitting in my office working, you come running in the afternoon after your first chemo session, pumping your arms up in the air, lifting your hips. And you said, Do you remember what you said? I yeah, I think the chemo my hips feel great. My shoulders don't hurt at all. I think chemo fixed me. Yeah. And I looked at you and I said, Do you think it might have to do with those super steroids you're on right now? And it was. And you got all disappointed and went, yeah. And then that night, the was my last shot for the steroids. No, Tuesday was your last shot. Yeah, my last pills that I took on the steroids. And then the morning after it wore off, I was like, ooh, this is starting to the train was a coming. Yeah. The train was a coming. And I did not prepare for that properly. What I realized is I wasn't hydrating enough. And that night, that Wednesday night. When I tried to go to bed, I cramped up so bad. You had to come and uncramp me and you didn't know what was going on. Yeah, I was really I was very concerned about you at that point. I was like, shit, just got real. Yeah. This is this is what it is. Yeah. And then the metal mouth came in and everything else came in, and then the the the tiredness and the the dragging. And I was like, what the hell am I getting into? And then it started feeling better. you also had that the growth factor shot the next day, the day after chemo. That was the first time that you had your white blood cell counts. What's it called? New last something like that. So I had that. And that is what causes the bone pain. The bone pains and stuff as your bone marrow swells and makes more white blood cells. But I was I was like, okay, shit. I got through this cramping. I got through all this other stuff. And I lost my beard. I was like, what the hell is going on? What day did that happen? That was probably day six or seven. Was it that early? I thought it was like seven or eight. I thought it was well into the second week, maybe after your chemo. Maybe. A anyhow, I was I was starting to feel better, but then I started losing my beard. And I was like, son of a bitch. Tell me about how you showed. But then I was also. Sitting there in my mind going, I've got to do this all over again. Three times. Three more times. That was the hardest thing because, like when I had my hips done, it was one and done. You have your hips done, you're on, you're recovering, and you're getting better. Things are improving. It isn't, things are improving. Now we're going to go back to square one and have some more chemotherapy. And how long had you had your beard at this point? Since I was twelve. Actually, no, because you had to cut it off when you were doing Jupiter's legacy for the that is a whole different ballgame. Like when you shave your face for a project or you shave your face because you want to, it's a whole different thing. To coming to the I think I believe you were in the shower. I was in the shower, all of a sudden you were looming outside the door. And and And I said, What are you doing? And you just Grabbed at your face and pulled a whole tuft of hair out. And I was like, no. And it was a handful. It was. And it was When did you decide to shave it? When it got so splotchy, I was just like, I this is it it was just falling out. I was actually getting ready to go to the chiropractor to get an adjustment. And I was like, if he adjusts my head or neck and a handful of my beard goes off in his hand, that's gonna be kind of gross. And I didn't want that. So that's when it came off and I believe that's when I w I did the video of shaving it and was there ever a time you looked in the mirror and thought, I look like a cancer patient? Ooh. Yeah. Yeah. I still do. And it's tar it's hard. You know, e one of the hardest things was even if people say to me when they see me, you're looking great, you're looking good, you know, the reality sets in. And of course, my daughter, who is living in California, saw a picture of me and she goes, Whoa, dad, you're looking like shit. Leave it to our kids to keep us humble. Yeah, band grounded me and and brought me back to reality. So And then and and then I was like, am I looking okay? But I haven't, you know, I l I lost a fair bit of weight, but I've been eating well, so I'm trying to bring it back. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I I I every time I look in the mirror, it runs through my head that I've gone through cancer. And we're gonna come back and we're gonna talk about round two, three, four. And and then we still will have radiation, so we have a lot more to talk about, but we'll end on that for today. Tough journey. You got this. Thank you for going through it with me. I love you. And that's a wrap on this episode of Main AF. And obviously, it isn't the end of the story. We'll keep taking you through it. The chemo, the things we didn't expect, and what all of this has changed for both of us. If this episode made you laugh, think, or maybe feel a little less alone. Find us at all the socials at mainaf pod and follow the show, leave a review, and share it with somebody who will get it. It helps more people find main AF, and we really appreciate it. Until next time. This is main AF.