Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Dear J.D., Signed Hopelessly Single

Transcript

Dear J.D., Signed Hopelessly Single · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hey, it's Louise of I do part two jumping back
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: into the conversation with single guy JD. So, in the
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: world of dating, right, it is hard to know when
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: you're navigating a person that you're just talking to and
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: you don't know their baggage and they don't know yours, right,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: So we're all just kind of coming with our own
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: kind of cloudy lens.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: So I find that there are some people that are
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: super kind of transparent. They came, they saw, they conquered, right,
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: They're just super direct.
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: And then I find that.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: There's people out there that will you know, you know,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I would say not for our age, but basically a
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: version of sliding into our DM, right, that would be
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: for our kids age, But that version of like somebody
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: who's making the outreach and like dipping their toe in
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: and then doing the back and forth, and then they
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: like they like ghost you and they go quiet when
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: you weren't the one who reached out anyways.
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: Does that make sense?
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: Like, I don't know if that's a.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Function of these people are just you know, kind of
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: throwing a lot of balls against the wall and seeing
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: what sticks, or they are just you know, kind of
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: insecure you know people or it's interesting to see that.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: And I hear a lot with friends of mine when
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: they go on kates with guys, and it's interesting to me,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: And I would love to know, like what you think
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: about why there are people that literally make, you know,
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: outreach and then literally don't do anything with it.
• 1:48
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I think that's a I think it's a little
• 1:51
  Speaker 5: bit of a function of our time in the sense
• 1:53
  Speaker 5: that you can contact so many people so quickly that
• 1:56
  Speaker 5: it does allow people whether you're on DMS or Instagram
• 2:01
  Speaker 5: or whether you're on you know, bumble or match or something,
• 2:05
  Speaker 5: you have the ability to contact a lot of people
• 2:07
  Speaker 5: and reach out to a lot of people, right, And
• 2:09
  Speaker 5: so I think and sometimes people like they'll get a
• 2:15
  Speaker 5: response from somebody and that was the person who was
• 2:17
  Speaker 5: top of their list, and they'll just focus on that
• 2:19
  Speaker 5: and they won't they just will stop replying to the
• 2:21
  Speaker 5: other people, Like they just cast a huge net and
• 2:25
  Speaker 5: they got lucky.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: And so there's some of that.
• 2:27
  Speaker 5: They got lucky that the person that was at the
• 2:29
  Speaker 5: top of their list responded and then they just stop
• 2:32
  Speaker 5: chasing others. But so that that I think is a
• 2:35
  Speaker 5: functions on other I think people are also just maybe
• 2:38
  Speaker 5: just looking for attention and flirting where they're not as interested.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: As they they let on. Right, they enjoy the.
• 2:46
  Speaker 4: Flirtation, the game, They enjoyed the game.
• 2:48
  Speaker 5: They enjoy the game, They enjoy the flirtation, but when
• 2:51
  Speaker 5: it comes down to it, they don't have the energy
• 2:52
  Speaker 5: or the time or the interest in chasing two or
• 2:55
  Speaker 5: three women at once, and so they flirt with ten women,
• 2:58
  Speaker 5: but they only really pursue one or two because they
• 3:01
  Speaker 5: run out of time, and so they're but they're flirting
• 3:04
  Speaker 5: with ten and pursuing two.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: It's a weird, but that can happen. Right.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Well, it's interesting because you know, there've been so and
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I don't I don't do dating apps, but there's been
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: so many articles lately that people are you know, kind
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: of you know, basically moving off of the dating apps
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: because it's almost like thirty one flavors. Right, You go
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: on a date, you come home, you're like, yeah, it
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: was fun, but the next person could be better, So
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: you just keep swiping, swiping, swiping, so you're never, never
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: satisfied with what's in front of you.
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: So it feels like people are you know, trying to
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: make more.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Of a concerted effort to do old school meetups or
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: you know, join a running club or hire a matchmaker,
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: or a little more point and shoot. So you're hearing like,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: you know, like bumbles letting or hinges letting go of
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: you know, employees or whatever.
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: So I think that would would be great.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Like I just think the numbers game is just it's
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: too It's like a sensory overload.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree. I was well. Two things.
• 3:58
  Speaker 5: One is I was talking to a a guy friend
• 4:00
  Speaker 5: of mine who there was a service that women pay for,
• 4:06
  Speaker 5: like for them to get introduced two men, and so
• 4:11
  Speaker 5: they like curate dates with men for these women. This
• 4:15
  Speaker 5: is like a high end, high price whatever thing. But
• 4:19
  Speaker 5: so I think people are looking for a more point
• 4:21
  Speaker 5: and shoot versus a shotgun. The other thing is I
• 4:24
  Speaker 5: was talking to a platonic woman friend of mine who
• 4:27
  Speaker 5: she was getting frustrated with the apps, and I said,
• 4:30
  Speaker 5: you know, the nice thing about going to a bar
• 4:33
  Speaker 5: is there's thirty guys there and you can quickly find
• 4:38
  Speaker 5: that there's one or two that you might be just
• 4:40
  Speaker 5: superficially attracted to, and then you can go stand near
• 4:43
  Speaker 5: them and kind of hear them talk and their energy
• 4:45
  Speaker 5: and by the end of that night. You might have
• 4:48
  Speaker 5: someone that you talked to and connected to that you
• 4:52
  Speaker 5: that you got a chance to see in person and
• 4:54
  Speaker 5: talk to in person within an hour, Right, where's on
• 4:57
  Speaker 5: the apps? And there was thirty or four people in
• 5:00
  Speaker 5: the restaurant or the bar.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: In an app?
• 5:03
  Speaker 5: The amount of time she was just saying, the amount
• 5:05
  Speaker 5: of time it takes I got to go on ten
• 5:07
  Speaker 5: dates to get to one person who I'm both interested
• 5:10
  Speaker 5: that I'm interested in their looks because that doesn't act
• 5:13
  Speaker 5: as a picture, or that I that I that the
• 5:16
  Speaker 5: conversation was good right in person, not the text conversation,
• 5:19
  Speaker 5: which doesn't always reflect how somebody's vibe really is in person.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: They can be much better on texts, especially right right.
• 5:26
  Speaker 5: Right, And so so I was trying to convince to you,
• 5:28
  Speaker 5: like you're you're what you can accomplish in two hours
• 5:31
  Speaker 5: in a restaurant or a bar a happy hour is
• 5:33
  Speaker 5: what's taking you two or.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: Three weeks in the apps?
• 5:36
  Speaker 5: Right, So, like I was exactly advocating for that, like
• 5:40
  Speaker 5: that old school where you go to two or three
• 5:43
  Speaker 5: restaurants and you're around seventy five people who live in
• 5:47
  Speaker 5: your town and are single, and you get to talk
• 5:50
  Speaker 5: to two or three in person is actually in some
• 5:53
  Speaker 5: ways better and faster than this longer drawn out You
• 5:58
  Speaker 5: text for three weeks, you meet one person, you do
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: that again, and now you've met ten people in ten
• 6:03
  Speaker 5: weeks versus ten people in one weekend.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: Right, So, anyway, I'd like to see some of the
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: old school stuff coming back for people.
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: What do you think about the concept of recycling?
• 6:15
  Speaker 5: Right?
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: So I love to do this, right. One woman's trash
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: is another woman's treasure.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Right So just because there was no kind of connection
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: or love spark between me and something doesn't mean that
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: there might be something between somebody else. So I'm always
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: one who loves to do that, and I think women
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: are very open to that. Are men open to that? Like,
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: have you ever gone out with somebody that you're like,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: she's great, but she's not right for me. I think
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: she's a better fit for this person.
• 6:47
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Well, first of all, I agree with you.
• 6:49
  Speaker 5: I'm a big fan of that idea because you've got
• 6:52
  Speaker 5: to know the person enough to know they don't fit
• 6:55
  Speaker 5: for you, but you also had a light bulb go
• 6:56
  Speaker 5: off that they fit this other person that you know.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: I think it's fantastic.
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: I think it's a compliment.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: It's like I liked you enough not for me that
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: I want to introduce you to somebody who means something
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: to me.
• 7:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I think it's a compliment, and if people take
• 7:08
  Speaker 5: it the other way, then they're two sensitive. But I
• 7:09
  Speaker 5: would say for the guys, I would say it needs
• 7:12
  Speaker 5: to be early on, right, if you dated the if
• 7:14
  Speaker 5: you went on one date with the person, it's great.
• 7:16
  Speaker 5: If you went on if you dated for a month
• 7:18
  Speaker 5: or two, they're less likely to man can get weird
• 7:21
  Speaker 5: about that piece, right, Like now I'm dating your ex
• 7:24
  Speaker 5: girlfriend I'm talking about.
• 7:27
  Speaker 4: Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: I had been dating this guy for like.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Six months or seven months and we broke up, and
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: so my friend said, well, why don't you set him
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: up with so?
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: And so I go, no, he's an ex boyfriend, like boyfriend,
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: that's like not happening.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Like you know what I'm saying, Like, and I don't
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: know if that was a function. I just want to
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: make sure I was, you know, I don't know what
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: it was, but something about that just did not feel it.
• 7:53
  Speaker 5: Yeah, two dates is great, but yeah, when you get
• 7:55
  Speaker 5: into the months, it's a little less fun to hand
• 7:58
  Speaker 5: it off. I've actually gone and asked friends of mine
• 8:01
  Speaker 5: about girls they dated for three to six months, like
• 8:05
  Speaker 5: would you be okay if I asked her out?
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: And some of them said yes, and some of them
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: said no.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Right, that probably has to do with who ended it
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: right and if it's resolved or not resolved.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Well exactly, So, yeah, you got to make the handoff quickly.
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: Yes you do, okay, So let's move on to a
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: question from Teresa.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: So Teresa is asking a question about is it important
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: for you to have a sense of her body count
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: the number of guys that she slept with. So I
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: would assume Teresa has probably slept with a lot of people,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: which is why she's asking this question.
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: So is that a topic that you want to have
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: a conversation about or is it weird? Is it invasive?
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah? I don't.
• 8:52
  Speaker 5: I've never asked a woman that in my entire life.
• 8:55
  Speaker 5: I've had women offer it up to me and share
• 9:00
  Speaker 5: it during because they were actually sharing it so they
• 9:04
  Speaker 5: could ask me about mind. So they were doing it
• 9:06
  Speaker 5: as a lead in, which was fine. But unless a
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: woman led me into that conversation, I'm not going to
• 9:12
  Speaker 5: ask a woman that. I think you you get to
• 9:15
  Speaker 5: know somebody you get a sense.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: If they are.
• 9:19
  Speaker 5: I don't know, are you going to get a sense
• 9:20
  Speaker 5: organically whether it's four or forty, If it's four hundred
• 9:24
  Speaker 5: or four thousand, you'll probably start to figure that out
• 9:26
  Speaker 5: from I don't know her friends or or her you
• 9:30
  Speaker 5: know her her social media, but I don't. I think
• 9:34
  Speaker 5: it's a personal thing, and I don't think it's super
• 9:37
  Speaker 5: relevant to whether the two of you are connecting or not.
• 9:41
  Speaker 5: And if it's a real big outlier where it's one
• 9:43
  Speaker 5: person or it's five thousand, you're going to sense that anyway.
• 9:47
  Speaker 5: Like you, if you can't read that, there's probably something
• 9:52
  Speaker 5: wrong with your your.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: Ability to read people.
• 9:56
  Speaker 5: But for most people it's in a normal range and
• 9:59
  Speaker 5: it's all fine, and it's all going to work out.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: You don't have to get into numbers.
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: I mean that's my view, right, So two responses to that.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: So and again we all navigate in our own way, right.
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: So for me, you know, I only.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: I'm only sleeping with one person at one time, and
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: if I'm only sleeping with that, we're totally exclusive, right,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: So then I take it a step further, which is
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: really interesting, And I've never gotten pushed back on this, right,
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: but I actually make a guy get an STD test
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: period and I've never.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: Gotten pushed back. And so for me, I have a
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: boundary that's super super clear.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: And you know, I have other friends who you know,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: they'll you know, do whatever all the time, no condoms, whatever, Right,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: So I just am terrified of getting something, you know
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And so, and I also want to
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: know that if I'm going to I want it to
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: just be with us and I'm in it. What happens
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: when you just start dating somebody and they're just out
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: of their divorce and you learn that the only person
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: she has ever slept with in her entire life is
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: her ex husband. Is that a nerve wracking thing for you?
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Is that like a step up to the challenge and
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: let me thing? Is it give you pause that she
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: hasn't experienced in nothing. You don't necessarily want to be
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: the first one out of the gate and all of that,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Like what would what would go through your mind in
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: that scenario?
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean.
• 11:42
  Speaker 5: It is definitely something to ponder for a minute, in
• 11:45
  Speaker 5: the sense that if you're not interested in her, if well,
• 11:50
  Speaker 5: let me say this, first of all, there's unless she
• 11:54
  Speaker 5: met the person and married them at twenty one.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: There's a good chance that she dated people before him,
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: But let's say she didn't.
• 12:04
  Speaker 5: The first boyfriend she's ever had and the only person
• 12:08
  Speaker 5: she's ever been with is her husband.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: I would say, I would say, if you're.
• 12:13
  Speaker 5: Interested as a guy, the chances are you're actually I
• 12:18
  Speaker 5: don't think it's intimidating as much as you're likely going
• 12:20
  Speaker 5: to get that much of a better like instead of
• 12:24
  Speaker 5: being stressed about it, you're actually more likely to get
• 12:28
  Speaker 5: compliments because she's had this bad thing for so long
• 12:32
  Speaker 5: that has been dragging out for so long that that
• 12:35
  Speaker 5: it's just going to make you look good as a guy.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: And also obviously it means something to her that she's
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: just not throwing a cat at all the time. So
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: if she's willing to take that step with you, it's
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: almost validation too that she really likes you.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 12:46
  Speaker 5: Yeah, one is she takes her relationship seriously. She hasn't
• 12:49
  Speaker 5: stupp with a lot of people, so yeah, that just
• 12:51
  Speaker 5: shows she's interesting, which is a compliment. And there's no
• 12:54
  Speaker 5: reason to be intimidated as a guy like in that,
• 12:57
  Speaker 5: why are you, like, why would you be intimidated by it?
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: But I do think it's a compliment.
• 13:00
  Speaker 5: So uh, and I have since might worst dated people
• 13:05
  Speaker 5: who kind of fall into your category, and it was
• 13:08
  Speaker 5: I thought it was a compliment. I didn't find it stressful,
• 13:11
  Speaker 5: but I could see how someone might have to think.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: About it for a minute.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: Well, the best is when they'll call me and they'll
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: be like, guess where I was today, and they're sending
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: me a picture of their arm with like a blood
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: test you know what I'm saying, like getting their sc
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: tests as in. And I'm like, they're like right on it,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So so then we kind
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: of have Yeah, that's good.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: Look, it's it's that you're you're letting them know that like, hey,
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: I'm excited to be exclusive with you. Yeah, I mean,
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: that's it's all good.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: And at the same time, if they say no, then
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: it sheds like to me that they're just not that
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: into me, So why would I want to go down
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: that road anyway.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: So it's a really good kind of litmus test.
• 13:44
  Speaker 5: It is right when you when you when it's the
• 13:46
  Speaker 5: right time, it's a perfect time to have that conversation.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I agreed, So let's okay, So let's talk
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: about this so a lot of the men that I've dated,
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: including like my ex husband and different people, like supposing
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: they're dating these younger girls and they have had vasectomies.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: So all of a sudden, you see a couple of
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: things happen. You see that all of a sudden, you know,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, the lifestyle on the bags wears off,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: and you know, little teeny bopper wants to become missus
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: and she wants to have a baby, right yeah, And
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, the guy is in this position
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: of like, wait a minute, do I want to reverse
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: my best sectomy?
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: Do I not?
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: And it's interesting because a lot of times, all of
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: a sudden, what I would assume would be so sexy
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: with a young thing is that she's probably you know,
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: you know, you know, for lack of a better word,
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: banging you six ways to Sunday every which direction, and
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: you're like, this is the greatest thing in the world
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: and not my uptight wife, And all of a sudden, she.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: Wants to do it. She's going to get the cankles
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: and she's going to get all this and you're like,
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: oh no, no.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: So I've seen people like break up with that situation
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: and like literally move into another situation.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, well, I want to make sure I
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: understand the question.
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: But yeah, I've seen I've seen guys that said they
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: said they didn't want to have any more kids, but
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: then they were they still had like sperm stored and
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: they were dating this one and they said, no, I'm
• 15:11
  Speaker 5: not having any more kids, and then a letter came
• 15:14
  Speaker 5: in the mail and their girlfriend was like, I thought
• 15:16
  Speaker 5: you didn't want to have any more kids, right, So
• 15:18
  Speaker 5: there are guys who are having trouble being honest.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: Through that process. For sure, I would say.
• 15:27
  Speaker 5: If the guy is serious about the girl and he's
• 15:29
  Speaker 5: and he says I don't want her, I don't want kids,
• 15:32
  Speaker 5: then she she would know he doesn't want kids, or
• 15:34
  Speaker 5: he's getting a reverse vasectomy, or they hope.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: They're going to change his mind.
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: And I see that a lot.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, bad, bad idea.
• 15:43
  Speaker 5: If a guy says no, I don't want kids, for
• 15:47
  Speaker 5: the women out there, just listen to that, and uh,
• 15:51
  Speaker 5: don't assume you're going to change his mind.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: That is not a great strategy.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: So a woman named Nancy wrote a question, and I
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: know we are this last time, but I do think
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: it's something that's on a lot of people's minds. So
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: she writes, I can't cook.
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: Is that a turn off?
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Not to me.
• 16:11
  Speaker 5: I mean I said, I think maybe if we dial
• 16:14
  Speaker 5: it back, maybe to the fifties or something, and people
• 16:17
  Speaker 5: were like, oh gosh, the most attractive thing to me
• 16:19
  Speaker 5: about a woman is you know, a great home cooked meal.
• 16:24
  Speaker 5: I just I don't know how that can be in
• 16:25
  Speaker 5: the top twenty things that attracts you to the woman.
• 16:28
  Speaker 5: Like for me, there's a lot of other reasons to
• 16:30
  Speaker 5: be attracted to somebody. They make you laugh, you do
• 16:32
  Speaker 5: things together, you are, you have chemistry, you have whatever
• 16:36
  Speaker 5: friendship connection. There's just there's it's about, you know. The
• 16:39
  Speaker 5: cooking is like item twenty five on the list, So
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: I don't think it matters at all.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: It's a nice little plus.
• 16:46
  Speaker 5: It's like it's like it's like a cherry on top,
• 16:49
  Speaker 5: But if you don't have the cake and the icing,
• 16:50
  Speaker 5: the cherry is irrelevant, I guess, is the best way to.
• 16:52
  Speaker 3: Put totally agree. So you're in your fifties, your kids
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: are older.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: Do you and your friends want to get married again
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: or do you feel like you just want a partner
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: that maybe wears a promise ring, Like, do you feel
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: the need to if you're not going to have children
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: and maybe not necessarily share money, do you feel the
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: need to get remarried?
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: Is that something you're looking for? Collectively your friends are
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: looking for? What's the marriage conversation?
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I have.
• 17:29
  Speaker 5: I mean I have friends that are in both camps
• 17:31
  Speaker 5: that are in their fifties. I would say there are
• 17:33
  Speaker 5: some who are like, you know what, I've got kids,
• 17:37
  Speaker 5: they have kids. We're just gonna kind of, you know,
• 17:40
  Speaker 5: like you said, be promised ring, engaged forever and not
• 17:43
  Speaker 5: worry about the marriage part. And they're happy as a clam.
• 17:46
  Speaker 5: And both people are happier at least they say they are.
• 17:50
  Speaker 5: But then I have other folks that I know that they,
• 17:55
  Speaker 5: you know, three years out of their divorce, got remarried
• 17:58
  Speaker 5: and we're super excited get right back into that.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: The being married part really was.
• 18:05
  Speaker 5: Like an important way to solidify their commitment to each
• 18:09
  Speaker 5: other and like show that to the world. And they
• 18:13
  Speaker 5: both were super into it. So they're both camps. You know,
• 18:17
  Speaker 5: I don't know there's a right or wrong answer there.
• 18:21
  Speaker 5: It's only wrong when the two of you have a
• 18:23
  Speaker 5: different a different plan, right.
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: I didn't think right or wrong. I was just more
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: curious what the temperature is. You know.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: It's interesting because one of the things, you know, so
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: my kids are in their twenties, and one of the
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: things that everybody's talking about, you know right now, which
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: kind of makes a lot of sense, is is having
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: everybody sign a prenup right, like even though they might
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: be you know, making two dollars if they even have
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: a job, which is hard to get right now, and
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: they're getting a full allowance from their parents. Is actually
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: when people are getting married prepping a prenup right, nobody
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: knows kind of what's going to happen. And I actually
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: think it makes a lot of sense. Where it's tough
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: is if there's somebody who's basically stayed home and their
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: full time career, which is no easy thing is to
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: like run the household. So the husband is teed up
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: to go out and make the money, and then all
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: of a sudden they get divorced and there is like
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: no protection and they've been out of the job for
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: us for twenty years, Like you don't get a six
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: figure you know salary back right like you just it's
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: just almost impossible. So that's where there has to be
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: a little bit of a kind of a flexibility where
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: collectively you have that conversation or there's some sort of
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: a clause.
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: I would think, yeah, yeah, I I mean, I agree
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: with you.
• 19:36
  Speaker 5: I think people that spent you know, decades together and
• 19:39
  Speaker 5: raise kids together, one person can't come out of it,
• 19:42
  Speaker 5: you know, happy as a clam and you know, financially,
• 19:47
  Speaker 5: you know, just live in their best life and the
• 19:49
  Speaker 5: other person's feeling stressed and struggling.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: I don't, I don't. I don't think that is a
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: is a good outcome.
• 19:54
  Speaker 5: Right, So when people are getting married in their twenties
• 19:56
  Speaker 5: and thirties, you know, it doesn't seem like the prenup
• 19:59
  Speaker 5: is necessary unless itch, unless it has you know, unless
• 20:06
  Speaker 5: it changes over time. Right, if you spend two years
• 20:08
  Speaker 5: with somebody, it's one thing, five, ten, fifteen, twenty, it
• 20:12
  Speaker 5: has to evolve over time versus just this is the agreement,
• 20:15
  Speaker 5: no matter when we split up.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: I don't know that that works very well. I will
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: say the reason that, like my father got remarried you know,
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: late in life. I guess he was in his sixties, right,
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: and and he in order to kind of protect his
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: kids and grandkids, like so you see a lot of
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: people doing it in their sixties and you know, fifties
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: sixties having prenups mostly because they have kids and they
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: want to make sure things kind of go to their
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: kids if it doesn't work.
• 20:46
  Speaker 5: But I would say for people in their you know,
• 20:48
  Speaker 5: twenties and thirties, make sure that the prenup has has
• 20:52
  Speaker 5: kind of time based changes.
• 21:04
  Speaker 3: So I have two more questions from two different listeners.
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: Number one is.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Thoughts on you know, so one of the trends that is,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: you know, kind of big right now is not just
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: separate bathrooms, which I actually think makes a lot of sense,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: separate bedrooms.
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: There's been a.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: Lot of articles of that.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: And I also think once you've been divorced and you
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: haven't slept in the same bed, you know, seven days
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: a week with somebody, kind of hard to kind of
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: go back to that, right, Like my friends and I
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: joke around about it all.
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: The time, like you know what I'm saying, like I
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: want to turn on my TV in the middle of
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: the diet or whatever. So what is your feeling on that?
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: And do you think the sleeping in the same bedroom
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: for you know, the relationship health and and all that
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: is really important, Like what's your opinion on.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't, I don't. I don't think it's critical
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: of all.
• 22:03
  Speaker 5: I mean people I know people who are they live
• 22:05
  Speaker 5: three minutes apart in two different houses, right, and they've
• 22:08
  Speaker 5: been dating for ten twenty years. I know people that
• 22:10
  Speaker 5: have separate bedrooms and you know, they come in and
• 22:15
  Speaker 5: you know, come in and cuddle the person in the morning,
• 22:17
  Speaker 5: and it's very kind of romantic and bonding and there's
• 22:21
  Speaker 5: no like So I don't think it has to be
• 22:23
  Speaker 5: look like it's not the big a deal if and
• 22:26
  Speaker 5: it can be very romantic in the sense you're kind
• 22:28
  Speaker 5: of inviting somebody in or they're surprising you, versus they're
• 22:32
  Speaker 5: lying next to me because they have no other bed
• 22:34
  Speaker 5: to sleep in and they have it.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: They're so far apart the bed and there's like pillows
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: between them and they're like literally like I was dating
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: this guy and I was just I needed sleeping the
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: same bed as I mean, if I was like waking
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: up at five am, I was like running downstairs, you
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like I couldn't gone out that
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: that's fast enough.
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: So that's the other thing.
• 22:53
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I actually think there's almost you can probably do
• 22:56
  Speaker 5: a study to prove that you have more chemistry and
• 22:59
  Speaker 5: more run if you're in different bets. Right, So I
• 23:03
  Speaker 5: probably lean a little bit towards that. But yeah, not
• 23:08
  Speaker 5: I think whatever works, But I would say people should
• 23:11
  Speaker 5: try it. They might find that it's kind of it's
• 23:13
  Speaker 5: kind of fun to be invited in or have somebody
• 23:15
  Speaker 5: sneak in who you didn't eangeable visits.
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: It's like conjugal.
• 23:18
  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's it adds a little element of surprise versus
• 23:21
  Speaker 5: just the same thing every day.
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: It becomes so formulae and it just becomes so banilla.
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: Okay, so my final question, Okay, how long have you
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: been single for?
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 23:37
  Speaker 5: I have been.
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: Single for about four years since my divorce.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: Is that a function of you've had a lot of
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: different experiences, all of which have value, right? Or have
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: you just not met the right person that has made
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: you want to lock down? And what would you say
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: in the four years, has been your longest relationship or
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: has it just been these like kind of situation ships.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I I don't. I guess I would
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: say I don't.
• 24:10
  Speaker 5: I don't subscribe to the theory that if there's somebody
• 24:13
  Speaker 5: single in their fifties that they are necessarily doing something wrong.
• 24:18
  Speaker 5: I think we all kind of grow and evolved differently
• 24:21
  Speaker 5: at different times, and I would say, you know, it
• 24:23
  Speaker 5: kind of takes what it takes to get you to
• 24:26
  Speaker 5: the different parts of your life where you're into things
• 24:31
  Speaker 5: that fit you better at different parts of your life.
• 24:33
  Speaker 5: So I don't I don't think it matters if someone's
• 24:36
  Speaker 5: single in their fifties, if they've never been married, or
• 24:38
  Speaker 5: they've been married twice.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: I don't. I don't think any of those things are
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: a black mark. Yeah. For me personally, I would say
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: I am being.
• 24:47
  Speaker 5: You know we talked about this in the last episode,
• 24:49
  Speaker 5: is that I think having boundaries and setting a low
• 24:51
  Speaker 5: bar are are things that can get you into real
• 24:55
  Speaker 5: trouble in life. It did for me and uh, and
• 24:58
  Speaker 5: maybe it did for other people out there that are
• 25:00
  Speaker 5: that are listening. So yeah, I would say for me,
• 25:02
  Speaker 5: I'm I don't think being in a rush is as
• 25:04
  Speaker 5: important as having boundaries, having a very high bar for
• 25:08
  Speaker 5: your like for your partner. You should be excited about them.
• 25:13
  Speaker 5: You shouldn't be saying, gosh, they are good on paper.
• 25:16
  Speaker 5: You should be just really excited that they are in
• 25:20
  Speaker 5: your life and that they're somebody you get to spend
• 25:22
  Speaker 5: time with, and so yeah, I think I think for
• 25:26
  Speaker 5: me being patient and being picky and having boundaries, it's
• 25:29
  Speaker 5: not being against commitment because I'm very into having a
• 25:35
  Speaker 5: exclusive relationship that is definitely the best. That's my goal.
• 25:40
  Speaker 5: In a lot of people's goals, I think that are
• 25:42
  Speaker 5: dating and it's mine as well. But I think I
• 25:45
  Speaker 5: don't think being in a hurry is nearly as important
• 25:47
  Speaker 5: as making sure you really get to know somebody deeply
• 25:50
  Speaker 5: and that you have that you've spent the time really
• 25:55
  Speaker 5: understanding that connection and that partnership versus trying to push
• 25:59
  Speaker 5: it to you quickly to the next level. I mean,
• 26:02
  Speaker 5: so I'm I might be a little gun shy, but
• 26:04
  Speaker 5: I think that's something everyone should be picky and moving
• 26:07
  Speaker 5: slow that whether you're twenty thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, that
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: should be a mantra for everyone, which is like, it's
• 26:14
  Speaker 5: not about speed here, it's about it's a it's a marathon.
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: It's a marathon.
• 26:18
  Speaker 5: This is not a spread like if you have someone
• 26:20
  Speaker 5: who super connected to you, it's going to work out,
• 26:23
  Speaker 5: Like you don't have to worry, like you've like there's
• 26:25
  Speaker 5: no rush like, you found this person, it's going to
• 26:29
  Speaker 5: work out. Your connection is amazing. So so you know,
• 26:32
  Speaker 5: rushing it or going slow is not what determines success.
• 26:36
  Speaker 5: It's finding that right person that determines the success. So
• 26:39
  Speaker 5: it's like, yeah, for me, it's not about timeline or strategy.
• 26:43
  Speaker 5: It's about getting the right person in front of you,
• 26:47
  Speaker 5: and that takes a little time.
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: I totally agree when I see people, you know, things
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: out start fast typically end fast.
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: So I'm watching a friend right now who just starting
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: dating somebody on an app and and I tell you,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: like they've met the kids, and it's like it's like
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: the love bombing. And by the way, both of them,
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: it's like they've literally fused on some sort of a
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: wound where they're like imprinted on each other. And I'm
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: sitting there and I'm like whoa. And I'm you know,
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: no judgment to each his own. I hope it goes
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: the distance.
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: For sure.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: And there are those, you know, fairy tale situations, but
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: I'm watching this thinking that would terrify me.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah it is.
• 27:26
  Speaker 5: And I could say I had I've been in that
• 27:29
  Speaker 5: situation where you you've been in kind of an accelerated
• 27:33
  Speaker 5: relationship like you said, love bombing and things are happening
• 27:35
  Speaker 5: too fast, and it's a it's an addictive it's a
• 27:38
  Speaker 5: high that that merging and that kind of love bombing
• 27:44
  Speaker 5: and moving too fast can be really it can be
• 27:46
  Speaker 5: really attractive and a toxic. It's intoxicating. It's like a drug.
• 27:50
  Speaker 5: But just like drinking too much, it is not the
• 27:53
  Speaker 5: recipe for success. It feels pretty good. I mean, it's
• 27:56
  Speaker 5: very intoxicating, but I don't it is not is a
• 28:01
  Speaker 5: little bit. It's a little bit of you, you know,
• 28:04
  Speaker 5: kind of pushing your own dopamine button versus just relax,
• 28:08
  Speaker 5: let it happen.
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: That's that's my two cents.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: Well, I have to tell you this has been so informative,
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: and I'm sure our listeners agree, and I'm hoping that
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: we can do this again because as we're all continuing
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: to navigate this new situations, new questions, and to have
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: the ability to you know, kind of dial into you
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: and actually get the you know, we all sit there
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: and we're like, well, what do you think this means?
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: And let's analyze this and why is why does he
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: goes to me?
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: And why didn't he call me? And why did he
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: say this? It's you're not going to call the guy, right,
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: You're not like, oh, why didn't you call me?
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: Or like it's better for us to call you and
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: say hey, like try to you know, dissect for me
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: what was what happened here? Or what's going on in
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: this guy's head? Right, and so I don't make the
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: same mistake or or we understand where did I go wrong?
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: Well, now it's super fun to me for me and
• 29:00
  Speaker 5: I love being a part of the conversation giving the
• 29:03
  Speaker 5: guys perspective. It actually shouldn't be that complicated, but unfortunately
• 29:09
  Speaker 5: it is. So I'm very happy to be part of it.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: So thank you.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: Thanks for It's all kind of fun, right, I mean,
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: you think about it like, it's it's all opportunities, the
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: people we meet. It's never a waste of our time.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: Our time is just you know, it's we have time
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: to meet good people and have interesting conversations.
• 29:24
  Speaker 3: We never know why.
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: We meet somebody.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: You know, maybe all of a sudden you meet somebody
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: and they're not for you, but all of a sudden,
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: you know your child was looking for a job in
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: that field and there's an introduction there, or.
• 29:35
  Speaker 5: You know, it's yeah, I agree I think, uh, I agree,
• 29:39
  Speaker 5: getting just getting out there and trying things, learning from them,
• 29:43
  Speaker 5: trying new things. Just the only, the only, the only
• 29:47
  Speaker 5: mistake you can make is just is not not putting
• 29:49
  Speaker 5: it out there and not trying like, don't don't you know,
• 29:52
  Speaker 5: hol up and read a book every day.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: You got to get out there and make it happen if.
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: It's important to you.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Right, A lot of people, I have a lot of friends,
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: they just been burned and they just feel safer at
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: home and they're just not looking, you know, to kind
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: of put their out there.
• 30:05
  Speaker 3: But my dad once taught me better to have loved
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: a little than never to have loved.
• 30:10
  Speaker 4: It at all.
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree.
• 30:12
  Speaker 5: Look, there's bad people out there in the world, but
• 30:14
  Speaker 5: they're equally as many kind, generous, beautiful people out there.
• 30:18
  Speaker 5: So getting burned is no reason to stay out of
• 30:22
  Speaker 5: the game. You've got to there's tons of beautiful people
• 30:26
  Speaker 5: out there that are super kind and supportive, and go
• 30:29
  Speaker 5: out there and find them.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: On that note, you will definitely attract one of those
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: people because you are a really special, really special guy.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: So JD, I want to thank you for coming back
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: on again to give our listeners some more insight and
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: tidbits on how men think super cool to hear very informative.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: Do you have a question or need some advice from
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: a single man, Email us or call us. All of
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: the information is in the show notes. Follow us on socials.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Make sure to rate and review the podcast. I do
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: part two in iHeartRadio podcasts where falling in love is
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: the main objective