Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Handle Team Conflict
Transcript
- Lucas: Let's talk about one of the most stressful situations a new manager faces: mediating a conflict between two senior members of your team. I saw a stat recently that said new managers spend, on average, about fifteen to twenty percent of their first year dealing with team conflict. Luna: That number feels low, honestly. I remember my first few months managing, it felt like every other week someone was upset about something. Lucas: Right, and the instinct as a new manager is often to jump in and play judge. You want to decide who's right, who's wrong, and move on. But that almost always backfires because you end up with one person feeling vindicated and the other feeling unheard. Luna: So what do you do instead? Because you can't just let two senior engineers scream at each other in a room. Lucas: You can't. And you shouldn't. But there's a framework that comes from the Harvard Negotiation Project — it's called 'separate the people from the problem.' You treat the conflict as a shared puzzle rather than a courtroom. The goal isn't to decide who's right; it's to find a solution that both people can live with. Luna: Okay, walk me through what that actually looks like in a meeting. Say two senior devs are arguing about whether to migrate to a new database or stick with the current one. Both have valid points. Lucas: Classic scenario. The first thing I'd do is meet with each person individually beforehand. Ask them: What's your ideal outcome? What's the minimum you need to feel okay about the decision? And, crucially, what do you think the other person's concerns are? That last question forces them to empathize. Luna: And then you bring them together. How do you set that meeting up so it doesn't explode? Lucas: I set ground rules explicitly. No interruptions. Each person gets ten uninterrupted minutes to state their case while the other takes notes. After that, I guide them toward areas of agreement, which are often bigger than they think. For example, both want the project to succeed, both want stability, both want to ship on time. Then we work on the trade-offs. Luna: So you're not deciding for them, you're structuring the conversation so they find common ground themselves. That seems harder than just picking a side. Lucas: It is harder. But it builds their ability to resolve conflict without you next time. And frankly, it's more sustainable. If you play judge, you own the outcome. If it fails, they blame you. If it succeeds, they still might resent your choice. If they own the solution, they're invested in making it work. Luna: That makes a lot of sense. And you know, if you're listening and this kind of practical approach to workplace challenges resonates, it's listeners like you who make shows like this possible. Lucas: Absolutely. We keep New Manager Conversations ad-free by design, and that's only because of listener support. If you find value in episodes like this, you can support us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: Even a small contribution helps us keep making content that's genuinely useful for new leaders. And now, back to the conflict — I want to talk about what happens when one person just won't budge. Lucas: That's a tough one. When you've done the separate meetings and the joint meeting and one person is still dead set on their position, you need to escalate your approach. You can ask them: 'What would have to be true for you to consider the other option?' Sometimes they reveal a hidden constraint you didn't know about. Luna: And if there's no hidden constraint, and they just refuse to compromise? What then? Lucas: Then you have to make a call as a manager. But you frame it as a decision based on what's best for the team and the business, not on who won the argument. You say something like: 'I've heard both perspectives thoroughly. After weighing the risks and benefits, I'm going to go with option A. I need both of you to commit to supporting this decision fully, even if it wasn't your first choice.' Luna: That's a hard conversation. But you're basically asking for buy-in after the fact. Lucas: Exactly. And if someone can't commit, then you have a performance issue, not a conflict issue. That's a separate, but related, conversation. But most of the time, if you've given them a fair hearing, they'll respect the process even if they don't love the outcome. Luna: One thing I'd add: as a new manager, you also have to watch out for taking sides too quickly based on your own biases. Maybe you've worked longer with one of them, or their style is more similar to yours. Lucas: That's huge. Confirmation bias is real. I've seen managers side with the person who presents more confidently, even when the other has the stronger case. The separate meetings help because you get both stories without the heat of the joint meeting. Luna: So the process itself is a guardrail against your own blind spots. Lucas: Exactly. And it forces you to slow down, which is usually the right move. Most conflicts don't need an immediate resolution. Giving people overnight to think about what they've heard can change everything. Luna: What about conflicts that involve personality clashes, not just technical disagreements? That feels harder to resolve. Lucas: It is, because those get personal fast. But the same framework still works: separate people from problem. You focus on behaviors and outcomes, not character. For example, instead of saying 'You're always dismissive in meetings,' you say 'When you interrupt, it delays the decision and frustrates others.' Luna: That's a classic 'I' statement approach. But do you find that new managers struggle to do that in the moment? Lucas: Absolutely. That's why I recommend scripting it out beforehand. Write down the specific behavior you observed, the impact, and what you'd like to see instead. Read it out loud to yourself. It feels awkward, but it works. Luna: And if the conflict is between a team member and someone outside your team? Like another manager's direct report? Lucas: Then you have to involve the other manager. But you still do the prep work with your own person first. Then you and the other manager model the same collaborative approach for your respective reports. It's a bit like parallel mediation. Luna: That's smart. So the key theme across all these scenarios is: as a new manager, you're not a judge, you're a facilitator. Lucas: Exactly. And you're also a role model. How you handle conflict sets the tone for the whole team. If you stay calm, listen, and focus on solutions, they'll learn to do the same. That's a leadership skill that pays dividends long after the specific conflict is resolved. Luna: I think that's a great note to end on. Good, practical advice that new managers can actually use.