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SMNTY Classics: Couple Speak · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't know to
0:07
Speaker 1: stuff I've never told you protection I heart radio, so
0:18
Speaker 1: I think we've talked about this before, Samantha. But I
0:21
Speaker 1: remind me, are you somebody who does a lot of like, um,
0:26
Speaker 1: like couple speak are nicknames? Do you have those like
0:29
Speaker 1: kind of epithets? I don't know if epithets is the
0:32
Speaker 1: word I got you, so typically no, I am. You know,
0:38
Speaker 1: to the point that some of our listeners are like,
0:40
Speaker 1: I think you're a romantic. I'm like, okay, I can
0:41
Speaker 1: see why you think that. Um, But recently, when I'm joking,
0:48
Speaker 1: it has now become a habit. Like I used to
0:50
Speaker 1: joke about it all the time, but now I affectionately
0:52
Speaker 1: call people boo. So it's not me being like condescending
0:56
Speaker 1: and I'll just jokey joky, like I really am calling
0:58
Speaker 1: you boo. I have started calling my partner babe, and
1:01
Speaker 1: I swore to myself I never would, but it became
1:05
Speaker 1: a habit, being like really silly and trying to be
1:07
Speaker 1: like ha, this is thing. And then I said that
1:10
Speaker 1: if I ever had a pet name, it would always
1:13
Speaker 1: be like but muffin or something like that. Real silly,
1:16
Speaker 1: uh and not not obviously not real, but it's kind
1:19
Speaker 1: of become a habit that I called I call them babe,
1:23
Speaker 1: and I have never heard them reciprocate thinking about it,
1:28
Speaker 1: But for me, it's just it's a new thing too,
1:31
Speaker 1: like the last month or so. And I'm not really
1:34
Speaker 1: sure why. How interesting, Huh, you're pretty good. You gave
1:39
Speaker 1: her last producer super producer Andrew a pretty amazing Yeah,
1:45
Speaker 1: and I still call him that, and he knows that
1:48
Speaker 1: I still call him that. I will scream it across
1:52
Speaker 1: offices if I see him across the room. I also
1:55
Speaker 1: I do do that for my dog too. Yeah, yes, yes,
1:59
Speaker 1: I have this, this so I mean this. This classic
2:04
Speaker 1: episode we're bringing back is mostly focusing on like relationships,
2:09
Speaker 1: I don't off the top of my head, I don't
2:13
Speaker 1: think I've ever had a relationship where we really called
2:16
Speaker 1: each other any of those kinds of names. My most
2:20
Speaker 1: recent X would frequently call me goofball in a very
2:24
Speaker 1: affectionate way. It felt very affectionate anyway, but it wasn't
2:27
Speaker 1: kind of like, I don't know the same thing. I
2:29
Speaker 1: don't think I have gathered a lot of nicknames over
2:32
Speaker 1: my life, and recently as we've discussed, I've been talking
2:36
Speaker 1: to myself more and sometimes I will catch myself, like,
2:41
Speaker 1: if I'm getting really down on myself, I'll say something
2:44
Speaker 1: like stop at baby, or like I'm I'm calling myself
2:47
Speaker 1: the names being all you're talking down to yourself. Well,
2:54
Speaker 1: I'll get upset and then I'll try to say something
2:56
Speaker 1: like stop at baby or like sweetheart. Sometimes I'll say
2:59
Speaker 1: or darlin. Um. I do have a friend who calls
3:03
Speaker 1: me darling and sweetheart a lot, but I have started
3:07
Speaker 1: doing that recently. I think it's because of the massive
3:11
Speaker 1: influx of fan fiction I have been reading though, where
3:13
Speaker 1: those names are very prominent. Um. I even caught myself
3:17
Speaker 1: using Syrika, which is Mandalorian Mandela the other day and
3:21
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, wow, have you become yes?
3:27
Speaker 1: But I did. Well. I wanted to bring this classic
3:30
Speaker 1: BacT because, as we said, it's kind of cuffing season
3:32
Speaker 1: and I've been telling people about all these dating terms.
3:35
Speaker 1: I found like at the end of the year, they
3:37
Speaker 1: were like here the dating terms, they're gonna defined two
3:40
Speaker 1: And it was things like, well, was it anticipation, which
3:46
Speaker 1: is what you don't know what to do? Like social
3:48
Speaker 1: just stigmas out with your hands, um, while dating, and
3:52
Speaker 1: then hesitating, which is like going back and forth whether
3:55
Speaker 1: you want to date at all. So anyway, yeah, hesitating.
3:59
Speaker 1: Just one to bring back this classic on a couple
4:02
Speaker 1: speak Welcome to Stuff Mom Never told you. From House
4:08
Speaker 1: top Works dot com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
4:16
Speaker 1: I'm Christen and I'm Caroline and Caroline. First of all,
4:19
Speaker 1: I almost forgot my name then when I was introducing myself.
4:23
Speaker 1: It's a danger. Yeah, it's a little disconcerting, um, but
4:27
Speaker 1: coming up with a title for this episode was almost well,
4:32
Speaker 1: actually only slightly more challenging than remembering my own name. Really, yeah,
4:38
Speaker 1: because what do you what are we talking about? Talking
4:41
Speaker 1: about relationships speak? Couple talk? Maybe you could call it
4:46
Speaker 1: pillow talk, but pillow talk is usually referring to post
4:50
Speaker 1: coital chitch or just being in places with pillows. Then
4:54
Speaker 1: there's baby talk, but then there's a difference between whether
4:57
Speaker 1: your baby talking to a baby or to your romantic baby,
5:02
Speaker 1: your significant other romantic bay. And there are pet names,
5:06
Speaker 1: but that's a completely separate category of this conversation. I
5:11
Speaker 1: would think that it would fall under couple speak exactly.
5:14
Speaker 1: A couple speak umbrella um, So, do you have any
5:18
Speaker 1: any catchy term for this? Um No, absolutely not. I
5:25
Speaker 1: would just say that it's a couple of language that
5:27
Speaker 1: it's it's the weird like coded language that you use
5:32
Speaker 1: with your your special person, your special someone sexy, babbel sexy. Well,
5:39
Speaker 1: it's not always sexy. Sometimes it's adorable adora speak. Oh,
5:43
Speaker 1: it's rarely sexy for people who are hearing you who
5:46
Speaker 1: are not in the couple, it's usually more along the
5:50
Speaker 1: lines of of nauseating and cringeing dow things. Oh. Absolutely,
5:54
Speaker 1: I mean, I I think it is whenever I overhear it.
5:56
Speaker 1: I mean, my boyfriend and I definitely have ways that
5:59
Speaker 1: we beat to each other that we don't speak to
6:01
Speaker 1: other people. Thank God, I would hope not. Uh, but
6:05
Speaker 1: I definitely don't want other people to overhear that necessarily.
6:09
Speaker 1: And it's funny. When I told my boyfriend that we
6:12
Speaker 1: were talking about relationship speak, couple speak, pet names and
6:17
Speaker 1: stuff like that this week, he looked at me with
6:19
Speaker 1: this mix of horror and also excitement, which is a
6:23
Speaker 1: really unique facial expression. I recommend trying to elicit that
6:26
Speaker 1: from from friends and loved ones if you have the opportunity. Uh,
6:30
Speaker 1: He's like, you're not going to tell them how we
6:31
Speaker 1: talk to each other, what we call each other? Are you? Yeah?
6:35
Speaker 1: You are? I am? Well, what is it dish? I mean,
6:38
Speaker 1: do you do to have special words or codes that
6:44
Speaker 1: are safe for our listeners? Of course and for me? What? Really? Honestly, listeners,
6:49
Speaker 1: I love you, but really I don't know if I
6:51
Speaker 1: want the t M. I well, yeah, I'm just gonna
6:54
Speaker 1: go ahead and dive in. And I don't think he's
6:56
Speaker 1: going to listen to this episode because I think he
6:59
Speaker 1: is already like preemptively horrified that I might talk about it.
7:03
Speaker 1: But uh, okay, I guess I should preface this by
7:08
Speaker 1: saying things. We don't call each other, so we don't
7:11
Speaker 1: say boo or bay. He is like strongly opposed to
7:15
Speaker 1: using the term boo. Okay, so far we are totally opposites. Continue, Well, no,
7:22
Speaker 1: I did date a guy right after college and we
7:24
Speaker 1: called each other boo. But that's the only person that
7:26
Speaker 1: I've ever done that with. But he was also a ghost. Yeah,
7:30
Speaker 1: I was real awkward when you tried to snuggle. But
7:33
Speaker 1: now my boyfriend and I call each other either. We
7:36
Speaker 1: just refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Like, hey,
7:38
Speaker 1: boyfriend came here, or we call each other listeners. Can
7:44
Speaker 1: you feel me blushing? We call each other boyfriend dog
7:47
Speaker 1: and girlfriend dog because early on in our relationship he
7:52
Speaker 1: like jumped on the couch when I was using my
7:55
Speaker 1: laptop and I was like, god, you're like a big
7:58
Speaker 1: puppy sometime and he said, yeah, like I'm a I'm
8:01
Speaker 1: a boyfriend dog. So that became a thing. How does
8:06
Speaker 1: it feel publicizing this information, Caroline, I don't know how
8:09
Speaker 1: red am I right now? You're a pretty solid shade
8:12
Speaker 1: of pink. Maybe it's just warm in here. Well, listen,
8:16
Speaker 1: I am in the opposite camp. My fiance and I
8:19
Speaker 1: are all about some boo and babe, and to the
8:23
Speaker 1: point that our friends will sometimes make fun of us
8:27
Speaker 1: when we're all hanging out and intentionally be like, oh hi, babe,
8:31
Speaker 1: bi yeah, And I don't care because that is just
8:38
Speaker 1: how we talked to each other. And in terms of
8:42
Speaker 1: like couples speak, we don't necessarily have like a cute
8:45
Speaker 1: see language aside from me feeling at liberty to abbreviate
8:50
Speaker 1: words as often as possible because it is one of
8:52
Speaker 1: my favorite things to do when I'm just at home,
8:57
Speaker 1: chit chat, not on the mic, you know. Uh, but
9:01
Speaker 1: our couple speak is more of a shared humor brain.
9:05
Speaker 1: So it's the thing of making the exact same joke
9:08
Speaker 1: at the same time. Although sometimes I get a little
9:10
Speaker 1: competitive and I'll make the joke first and then he'll
9:13
Speaker 1: come in to split second after me, and I'm like, yes,
9:16
Speaker 1: I made the joke first. Yeah. No, My boyfriend and
9:18
Speaker 1: I do that all the time. We will frequently make
9:21
Speaker 1: the same joke around the same time. We will like
9:24
Speaker 1: be picking up the fan to text each other at
9:26
Speaker 1: the same time. So we do have like a two
9:28
Speaker 1: person hive brain. Um. But I'm imagining you only know
9:31
Speaker 1: that because you're saying next to each other when that
9:34
Speaker 1: happens all the time. He's actually here right now, he's
9:38
Speaker 1: under the table. Sorry, sorry, Um. No, we we do
9:42
Speaker 1: have We don't use baby talk because to me, I
9:45
Speaker 1: find that nauseating. Uh, no judgment, um, But we do
9:51
Speaker 1: have like a certain type of voice that we use
9:53
Speaker 1: with each other sometimes when we're trying to be playful.
9:56
Speaker 1: Not it's not an all the time thing, but when
9:58
Speaker 1: we're trying to be more play full and cute with
10:01
Speaker 1: each other, we do have a voice we use. I'm
10:03
Speaker 1: not going to repeat it on the podcast. Sorry, I've
10:05
Speaker 1: noticed my phone voice changes, especially on the telephone call
10:11
Speaker 1: on the way home from work. Um, it goes up.
10:15
Speaker 1: It's a little bit softer. It's the closest I get
10:18
Speaker 1: to a baby boys. Also, though it is the same
10:20
Speaker 1: voice I use if I'm at a restaurant and I
10:22
Speaker 1: have to like send something back and I'm really nervous
10:25
Speaker 1: about it, you know, it's that like hyper feminized t voice. Uh.
10:33
Speaker 1: Not that I am like similarly nervous of how my
10:36
Speaker 1: fiance will respond to me if I need something. Um,
10:39
Speaker 1: But it is interesting to think about, you know, this
10:44
Speaker 1: this common couple language that is unique to all couples.
10:48
Speaker 1: But there's that common pattern of love and sex influencing
10:55
Speaker 1: how we talk and the way we modulate our voices
10:58
Speaker 1: and the words that we suddenly make up. Well, love
11:01
Speaker 1: and sex. Yeah, but I mean, I think intimacy in general,
11:04
Speaker 1: because you can develop languages with other intimate people in
11:08
Speaker 1: your life, other significant others who aren't your boo, maybe
11:12
Speaker 1: your best friend. You and your best friend have nicknames
11:14
Speaker 1: for each other. Are ways that you speak to each other,
11:16
Speaker 1: whether that's tone or just a sort of vocabulary that
11:21
Speaker 1: maybe you don't use with other people because either you've
11:23
Speaker 1: known this person for so long, or maybe your new
11:26
Speaker 1: friends and you've developed a really strong bond suddenly, and
11:29
Speaker 1: so you just speak to each other in a different
11:31
Speaker 1: way than you speak with other people. Yeah, I mean,
11:33
Speaker 1: it's true. My best friend and I exclusively speech German
11:37
Speaker 1: through each other. No, it's true. With my one of
11:41
Speaker 1: my best friends, we have a specific text speak that
11:46
Speaker 1: we use um intentional misspellings of words that I really
11:50
Speaker 1: only send to her, and it's our way of expressing
11:55
Speaker 1: affection to each other. Like if I say I miss
11:59
Speaker 1: you so much, I'm gonna spell so s e wwwwwww,
12:06
Speaker 1: it just means something different. So it's bonding. Yeah, I
12:10
Speaker 1: mean that. And it happens when you spend a lot
12:13
Speaker 1: of time with someone and it's this. It's an actual
12:17
Speaker 1: literal thing, and it's called phonetic convergence. It's basically, when
12:21
Speaker 1: you're spending time with people, whether it is an intimate
12:25
Speaker 1: partner or a best friend or even work colleagues that
12:29
Speaker 1: you're spending a lot of time with, you can start
12:31
Speaker 1: to mimic the way that the other person speaks, particularly
12:35
Speaker 1: if you like both the person and what they're saying,
12:38
Speaker 1: and this can involve accent changes or even the use
12:42
Speaker 1: of different dialects. I wonder too if it extends into
12:46
Speaker 1: gestures and body language at all. Yeah, that is what
12:50
Speaker 1: researcher Elaine Hatfield called emotional contagion. The sort of encompasses, Well,
12:56
Speaker 1: we're the ideas that we're already familiar with of mimicking
12:59
Speaker 1: some on body language, their facial expressions, and it's part
13:03
Speaker 1: of catching their emotion, whether that's anxiety, joy, whatever. I mean,
13:09
Speaker 1: how often has this happened to you, where like someone
13:12
Speaker 1: in your family or a friend or somebody at work
13:14
Speaker 1: is like in a really bad mood or in a
13:16
Speaker 1: really great mood, and you kind of catch it and
13:19
Speaker 1: start mimicking, and you even feel it within you, like, oh,
13:22
Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel a little more anxious because this
13:24
Speaker 1: person is anxious or whatever the case. Maybe, and studies
13:29
Speaker 1: have shown that the longer people are speaking with each other,
13:33
Speaker 1: the more they'll match speaking rate, frequency, and vocal intensity,
13:38
Speaker 1: which a're just imagining two people gradually yelling at each other.
13:41
Speaker 1: That happens. So I feel like I've been in that conversation.
13:44
Speaker 1: All the booze might have been involved booze like drinking booze?
13:47
Speaker 1: Or are multiple boyfriends? Good question? And I mean the alcohol. Um.
13:55
Speaker 1: And also this exclusivity develops the longer that you kind
13:59
Speaker 1: of develop that conversational rapport with a person. This is
14:03
Speaker 1: probably why we can't have long, extended, in depth conversations
14:07
Speaker 1: with good friends of ours if you're in a noisy bar,
14:10
Speaker 1: for instance. Um and then finally says it found that
14:13
Speaker 1: you will align description schemes and sentence structures where such
14:20
Speaker 1: robots in a way, we're adorable, meaty, squishy robots who
14:25
Speaker 1: can't help but mimic other people's speech, but also their
14:29
Speaker 1: posture and body language and facial expressions, all that good stuff.
14:33
Speaker 1: So why what is going on? Uh? There was a
14:37
Speaker 1: study in October from Language Variation and Change, that's a journal. Uh.
14:43
Speaker 1: They found that the degree of vocal change when we're
14:45
Speaker 1: talking to someone can be related to how much you
14:47
Speaker 1: agree with the person. So they did this study where
14:51
Speaker 1: participants listened to a politically charged diet tribe and then
14:55
Speaker 1: had to describe a cartoon. And I think the cartoon
14:57
Speaker 1: was of it was like a nun giving a banana
15:00
Speaker 1: to a monk or something. No, it was a waitress
15:03
Speaker 1: giving a banana to a monk, which is like, really
15:04
Speaker 1: weird and absurd, But they just had the person describe
15:07
Speaker 1: that strange cartoon. And researchers found that when the participants
15:11
Speaker 1: agreed with the political rant that they had heard and
15:14
Speaker 1: with the ideology in it, and when they seem to
15:16
Speaker 1: respect the person speaking and their ideas, their syntax in
15:21
Speaker 1: describing the cartoon matched the political ranters syntax. When they
15:26
Speaker 1: didn't agree with the person, didn't respect their ideas, didn't
15:29
Speaker 1: respect what they were saying, there wasn't much of a
15:31
Speaker 1: language match, if at all. So in short, basically aligning
15:36
Speaker 1: your speech patterns with the person you're talking to facilitates
15:40
Speaker 1: communication and understanding. It's our way of being like, hey,
15:43
Speaker 1: we're on the same team. I like you, I respect you.
15:45
Speaker 1: I'm going to start to morph, even unconsciously. I'm going
15:48
Speaker 1: to start to morph the way that I speak so
15:50
Speaker 1: that you can understand me even better. So the way
15:53
Speaker 1: we think about the person across from us moderates how
15:57
Speaker 1: we talked to them. Eventually, yeah, um, and we see
16:01
Speaker 1: variations among basically any group. I mean, twins Speak is
16:05
Speaker 1: probably the best known among these. Twin Speak is officially
16:11
Speaker 1: called crypto pH asa ps um, And it's because twins
16:16
Speaker 1: spend a lot of time together and are on the
16:18
Speaker 1: same developmental trajectory, and they have that intimacy level that
16:22
Speaker 1: reinforces each other's speech patterns and inventions. And also, of
16:27
Speaker 1: course twins share that same mind, twin mind. They don't
16:33
Speaker 1: actually have twin mind, but I have twin nephews, and
16:36
Speaker 1: I have seen this happen because they're also identical, and
16:40
Speaker 1: when they get going making jokes, going on these tangents,
16:46
Speaker 1: it's incredible how they just build on one another. Yeah,
16:51
Speaker 1: and cryptophasa also doesn't just relate to twins speaking similarly
16:57
Speaker 1: or kind of developing a language. It refers specifically to
17:00
Speaker 1: like almost speech that's detrimental to the pair of twins,
17:04
Speaker 1: because perhaps there's a mispronunciation or a speech impediment that
17:09
Speaker 1: leads to this false language. For for for so long,
17:13
Speaker 1: people have been fascinated by twins, like, oh my god,
17:16
Speaker 1: they're developing their own language, when really it's it's less
17:18
Speaker 1: developing their own language because they might not even understand
17:21
Speaker 1: it as babies or toddlers or whatever, but they're just
17:23
Speaker 1: trying to mimic each other and communicate with each other
17:27
Speaker 1: on the same wavelength and crypto pH asia as opposed
17:31
Speaker 1: to just like regular happy badly twins speak is often
17:35
Speaker 1: times something that has to get you have to get
17:38
Speaker 1: a speech therapist involved to try to like move the
17:41
Speaker 1: kids on from using their own secret language. So when
17:44
Speaker 1: we think colloquially of twins speak, it's really just siblings
17:49
Speaker 1: speak or friends speak. It's anyone who hangs out and
17:53
Speaker 1: likes each other enough, yeah, anyone enough times. Yeah, anyone
17:57
Speaker 1: who spends like a super huge amount of dedicated intimate
18:01
Speaker 1: time together that they developed the same sort of language
18:04
Speaker 1: that maybe others don't even know what you're talking about,
18:06
Speaker 1: such as roommates. There was a study in January twelve
18:11
Speaker 1: and the Journal of Phonetics which looked at four sets
18:15
Speaker 1: of male roommates and found phonetic convergence was related to
18:21
Speaker 1: the roommates closeness and relationship quality. In Caroline. Now, I
18:24
Speaker 1: have to ask me, did you endude roommate ended up
18:27
Speaker 1: twin speaking a lot of times? Yeah, dude roommate and
18:30
Speaker 1: I we definitely have our own like shorthand language with
18:35
Speaker 1: each other because we've known each other since I mean,
18:37
Speaker 1: we were roommates in college. We've known each other since
18:40
Speaker 1: we were but college babies, um, and then we lived
18:44
Speaker 1: together as adults too after after many years apart. But
18:47
Speaker 1: we've definitely had a really strong friendship over the years,
18:50
Speaker 1: and the way we speak to each other, even if
18:52
Speaker 1: we're not using like weird words, we still have a
18:55
Speaker 1: tone and a rapport with each other that's unique to
18:58
Speaker 1: our relationship versus other people. But yeah, the study was
19:01
Speaker 1: interesting because the they were looking specifically at sets of
19:04
Speaker 1: roommates who didn't know each other before, so it wasn't
19:06
Speaker 1: like they were friends and they'd already maybe developed a rapport.
19:09
Speaker 1: They specifically wanted to look at the trajectory of like,
19:12
Speaker 1: as these guys get to know each other and spend
19:14
Speaker 1: a ton of unavoidable time together, what happens? And so
19:18
Speaker 1: they found that the guys who had the stronger, better,
19:20
Speaker 1: more positive relationship ended up unconsciously mimicking each other's speech patterns. So,
19:26
Speaker 1: in the context of romantic relationships, then let's peel back
19:30
Speaker 1: some more layers as to why it happens. Aside from
19:34
Speaker 1: this clearly like neurological pattern of us mirroring each other,
19:40
Speaker 1: I bet some mirror neurons are involved in this whole thing. Um,
19:43
Speaker 1: But if we look at these emotionally intimate relationships, that
19:49
Speaker 1: kind of couple language couples speak develops alongside the vulnerability
19:56
Speaker 1: that comes with being in most you know, long term
20:00
Speaker 1: romantic relationships. I mean, you have the most childlike parts
20:04
Speaker 1: of yourself on display, hopefully not all the time, but
20:10
Speaker 1: from time to time. And Bustle UH had a pretty
20:14
Speaker 1: in depth piece on this and talk to your relationship
20:17
Speaker 1: expert Wendy Walsh about it, who said, keep in mind,
20:20
Speaker 1: a relationship is an exchange of care. Yes, And as
20:24
Speaker 1: Elizabeth in the Catapult said, I don't know if anybody
20:27
Speaker 1: else ever listened to that band they have that song
20:30
Speaker 1: called We're All just taller children. It's true, you know.
20:35
Speaker 1: And and this, the intimacy with your partner can really reveal,
20:39
Speaker 1: like we said, those childlike parts of yourself that just
20:42
Speaker 1: want to be taken care of. And so in this
20:45
Speaker 1: article and Bustle they were talking about how as intimacy deepens,
20:49
Speaker 1: you tend to move away from real life language, and
20:53
Speaker 1: part of this is abbreviating or shortening words. Kristen Uh
20:58
Speaker 1: for instance, using hunt instead of honey like you did
21:02
Speaker 1: when you roe, but a wee baby Oh. I always
21:04
Speaker 1: called my mom hun, could you get me a bottle?
21:08
Speaker 1: I'm so thirsty. But also like your parents did with you,
21:12
Speaker 1: they probably had little nicknames for you too, and so
21:15
Speaker 1: you know, it was always developing. Child girls just used
21:21
Speaker 1: your first your whole, your whole name, your whole full
21:24
Speaker 1: Christian name. Names just didn't make it even more formal.
21:30
Speaker 1: But research has actually shown that the use of baby
21:32
Speaker 1: talk tends to be used less and less as time
21:36
Speaker 1: goes on. It tends to be used early because it's
21:39
Speaker 1: another way of developing and strengthening a bond. And that's
21:41
Speaker 1: coming from the Kinsey Institute who did a bunch of
21:44
Speaker 1: research into couple language. And it really comes out of
21:48
Speaker 1: this whole i don't know what to call it, pattern
21:52
Speaker 1: that was established with your parents. Generally, like if you
21:55
Speaker 1: had a loving, safe relationship with your parents, that's the
21:58
Speaker 1: last time you experience in these overwhelming feelings of love
22:03
Speaker 1: and care and safety. And so that's where are use
22:08
Speaker 1: of nicknames and pet names and and baby talk comes from.
22:12
Speaker 1: And if going back again to the context of dating
22:15
Speaker 1: relationships or marital relationships, if we pull in that physical
22:19
Speaker 1: intimacy as well, that of course will involve some neurotransmitters
22:26
Speaker 1: and neurochemicals being released in our brains, such as dopamine
22:30
Speaker 1: and oxytose, and these things that make us feel good
22:33
Speaker 1: make us feel bonded to the other person. So you know,
22:37
Speaker 1: you you're just getting this three sixty recipe for intimacy
22:42
Speaker 1: and closeness, and that is stripping away self censoring that
22:48
Speaker 1: we would normally do, or in my case, using entire
22:51
Speaker 1: words rather than just half of war. And it's really
22:56
Speaker 1: a cycle. I mean, using this type of language with
22:59
Speaker 1: our partners d binds the bond and creates a unique
23:02
Speaker 1: shared identity, which then leads to creating more unique language
23:06
Speaker 1: and more bonding. So it never stops. You're never getting
23:09
Speaker 1: out of it. You're always going to talk like this
23:11
Speaker 1: with your partner. Get used to it until you don't,
23:14
Speaker 1: which will hit on in the second half of the podcast.
23:17
Speaker 1: But researchers have talked about how it really reflects that
23:20
Speaker 1: need to represent how special our attachment is, yes to
23:23
Speaker 1: to outsiders and friends and whoever, but really to each other.
23:26
Speaker 1: And that's something that Ian Kerner, who's a sex counselor,
23:29
Speaker 1: told Bustle for that same article that Kristen mentioned. But
23:32
Speaker 1: it's the same idea that you might have nicknames for
23:34
Speaker 1: your bff two like, it's just communicating to one another
23:39
Speaker 1: that your relationship is special. This is the sweetest podcast, Caroline.
23:45
Speaker 1: I gotta say, we're just getting real presh. But so
23:49
Speaker 1: what does secret languages mean for couples. I mean, we
23:52
Speaker 1: keep going back and forth between different types of relationships,
23:55
Speaker 1: but we will get more into that right after a
23:58
Speaker 1: quick break. So if your relationship outsider, it might not
24:11
Speaker 1: seem like the more, the better you know, the more
24:14
Speaker 1: you're having to listen to other people's adorable pet names
24:17
Speaker 1: and little baby talk back and forth or sexy babble
24:20
Speaker 1: as I like to call it. But research in the
24:24
Speaker 1: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships does find that the
24:28
Speaker 1: more a couple uses nicknames, made up words, and secret
24:33
Speaker 1: code requests for sex, the higher the relationship satisfaction. And
24:38
Speaker 1: I was surprised. It means you're like living in your
24:40
Speaker 1: own world. Yeah. Relationship therapist Jamie Turndorf was talking to
24:44
Speaker 1: Women's Health mag By the way, I just started reading
24:46
Speaker 1: a book of hers about how to stop fighting. Not
24:50
Speaker 1: that not to indicate that I'm fighting all the time
24:52
Speaker 1: with boyfriend dog, but it's always important to be armed
24:55
Speaker 1: with good information about how to succeed in relationships. Anyho
25:00
Speaker 1: turned or IF agrees that it's quantity over quality, and
25:04
Speaker 1: she talks about how studies have found that couples who
25:06
Speaker 1: maintain and I love this. I'm like, how did you
25:08
Speaker 1: come up with But I'm sure there's science behind it.
25:10
Speaker 1: I'm sure. Uh, Couples who maintain a five to one
25:13
Speaker 1: ratio of positive to negative communications are far more likely
25:17
Speaker 1: to remain happy, and she says that using nicknames and
25:20
Speaker 1: made up language is an easy way to do that.
25:23
Speaker 1: It's an easy way to inject positive communication into your
25:26
Speaker 1: everyday life. I love thinking about this, though in the
25:29
Speaker 1: real world situations of a fight or disagreement brewing and
25:34
Speaker 1: trying to do this, you know, like five to one
25:37
Speaker 1: ratio yourself to be like, actually, babe, you're wrong, sweetheart,
25:42
Speaker 1: You're so wrong, Honey. I don't know sweetheart for me,
25:45
Speaker 1: and I know that other people probably have this experience,
25:47
Speaker 1: Like different words have different connotations, but to me, like,
25:51
Speaker 1: if you say, oh, she's my sweetheart, that's that's pretty sweet.
25:54
Speaker 1: But I have actually used sweetheart in terms of being
25:58
Speaker 1: that's more likely to be my word when I frustrated
26:00
Speaker 1: with you. That's a passive aggressive sweetheart sweetheart, And I
26:05
Speaker 1: think it my dad does the same thing. I think
26:07
Speaker 1: that's where I get it. My dad when he is
26:08
Speaker 1: like super angry at my mom or me and he's
26:12
Speaker 1: trying not to yell or whatever, he'll he'll refer to
26:15
Speaker 1: us as sweetheart. Maybe he's just trying to maintain that
26:17
Speaker 1: five to one. You know he knew well. I wonder
26:21
Speaker 1: how stuff Chattervan never told you. Well. There's even a
26:25
Speaker 1: term for all of this put forth by researchers Carol J.
26:29
Speaker 1: Brewis and Judy C. Pearson in a study they put out,
26:34
Speaker 1: they refer to a couple speak nicknames and this insider
26:38
Speaker 1: language and relationships as idiosyncratic communication. I love all these
26:43
Speaker 1: non romantic terms for the way we sexy babble each
26:47
Speaker 1: other zacadamia. And they found though that this idiosyncratic communication
26:53
Speaker 1: not surprisingly is associated with marital satisfaction. Couples in their
26:58
Speaker 1: first five years of Mary Sam's kids reported using the
27:03
Speaker 1: most idioms and I wonder parents listening if maybe once
27:07
Speaker 1: you have kids, some of that focus on your coded
27:11
Speaker 1: language refocuses to your new babe, little baby, your new baby. Yeah,
27:19
Speaker 1: that you get to literally baby talk to Yeah, slightly
27:22
Speaker 1: more acceptable in mixed companies. Yeah, I would think so,
27:27
Speaker 1: because also when there's a baby around, friends and family
27:31
Speaker 1: and whoever, are probably more likely to also baby talk
27:33
Speaker 1: your baby. Whereas if you and your boo are sitting around,
27:38
Speaker 1: your friends probably are going to baby talk you guys
27:40
Speaker 1: from a genuine perspective. They might do it to make
27:42
Speaker 1: fun of you. Yeah, they might not join in on
27:45
Speaker 1: your genuine baby talk with each other. That could be weird. Yeah,
27:49
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know what we're going it on.
27:52
Speaker 1: That pot look sudly. Everyone's keys are in a bowl
27:56
Speaker 1: of the most awkward worn't Christmas party of verb. But
28:01
Speaker 1: there's an article that we read in the Telegraph that
28:03
Speaker 1: talks about how, uh, couple language not necessarily baby talk,
28:08
Speaker 1: but couple language indicates whether you're in sync. It's really
28:13
Speaker 1: like menstrual synchrony. No, I mean like the band, the
28:17
Speaker 1: boy band, whether you're lands bass um and so basically,
28:22
Speaker 1: the ebbs and flows of your use of couple speak
28:25
Speaker 1: mimics the ebbs and flows of your relationship, your highs
28:28
Speaker 1: and lows. If you stop using couple speak or you're
28:30
Speaker 1: not using it as much one week. Does that mean
28:32
Speaker 1: the relationships over? No? Thinking back though on my relationship,
28:37
Speaker 1: there have been the times when we've been, you know,
28:40
Speaker 1: hitting the valleys that you go through, and there usually
28:44
Speaker 1: is an absence of the boo and the babe. I know,
28:48
Speaker 1: and I thought about that too, and I realized that
28:50
Speaker 1: it's the same with me, and we're in good company, Kristen.
28:53
Speaker 1: Because University of Texas researchers looked at letters between Victorian
28:58
Speaker 1: poets Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning, in addition to Sylvia
29:02
Speaker 1: Plath and Ted Hughes, and they found that both in
29:06
Speaker 1: their work and in their private letters, the couple's language
29:09
Speaker 1: styles matched, but they matched most intensely at the most
29:14
Speaker 1: intense and positive parts of the relationship. Yeah. So for
29:18
Speaker 1: Sylvia and Ted, who clearly had a very tumultuous relationship,
29:23
Speaker 1: those highs and lows were reflected in the terms of
29:27
Speaker 1: use and avoidance of matching language in their letters. Um
29:32
Speaker 1: even at their high points, though they had less matching
29:36
Speaker 1: than Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. So I mean, is
29:40
Speaker 1: it is it was that just a sign that they
29:42
Speaker 1: were doomed? I don't know. I's if it's a sign
29:45
Speaker 1: that they were doomed. But I think it's a it's
29:46
Speaker 1: a perhaps, you know, putting on my little psychologist cap,
29:51
Speaker 1: not at all, it's what would that cap look like?
29:53
Speaker 1: Would it be like a driving cap? Oh, jaunty driving cap.
29:57
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, what about like an Amelia Earhart style aviator cap? Okay,
30:03
Speaker 1: I'm putting on my psychologist aviator cap. And I think
30:07
Speaker 1: it's more if you realize, if you use a little
30:10
Speaker 1: bit of self awareness and realize, like I'm not using
30:12
Speaker 1: very much like affectionate language, what's going on? It just
30:15
Speaker 1: might be a good opportunity to step back and say, well,
30:19
Speaker 1: are there things I'm not addressing in my relationship that
30:22
Speaker 1: are making me feel like I want to be less affectionate?
30:25
Speaker 1: Because I know when my boyfriend and I have hit
30:27
Speaker 1: those valleys Christen, there is a feeling that you're less
30:32
Speaker 1: driven to be affectionate, whether that's physical affection or verbal affection.
30:37
Speaker 1: But in in great times, when everything's going swimmingly, we're
30:40
Speaker 1: more likely to use those sweet nicknames or use our
30:44
Speaker 1: special voices with each other than we would otherwise. So
30:48
Speaker 1: there are some shortcuts in a way that this couple
30:52
Speaker 1: language can offer to help this navigate through those valleys,
30:57
Speaker 1: not to be confused with hidden Valley the land of
31:00
Speaker 1: inch where you and your boyfriend and girlfriend whomever just
31:03
Speaker 1: going to salad bars all the time. Um So, the
31:06
Speaker 1: first shortcut to pay attention to is that you might
31:09
Speaker 1: have code words for life events like bad days or
31:12
Speaker 1: annoying events that let your partner know how your days
31:16
Speaker 1: sluck without having to relive it. And this is not
31:21
Speaker 1: me because I'm a I'm a real talker when it
31:24
Speaker 1: comes to comes to tough times, and I'm just gonna
31:27
Speaker 1: want to tell my fiance all of the details after
31:30
Speaker 1: a period of silence, I need to quietly process and
31:33
Speaker 1: then I'll be like cooking dinner and drinking glass of
31:36
Speaker 1: wine because that calms me down. And you know, forty
31:39
Speaker 1: five minutes later, I've gotten through, you know, the first
31:42
Speaker 1: hour of my day recounting it well, congret you know,
31:45
Speaker 1: I'm Studies have shown that the more you vocalize your anger,
31:51
Speaker 1: the more it builds on itself. So perhaps that there
31:54
Speaker 1: is something to this, you know, telling your boyfriend if
31:56
Speaker 1: you had a bad day at work or whatever. Not
31:59
Speaker 1: that you ever have a bad day at work, Kristen,
32:01
Speaker 1: but you could, you know, be like, ah, it's the usual.
32:03
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe your BOO would know like it's just another
32:06
Speaker 1: day with rough stuff. Well, yeah, maybe he and I
32:09
Speaker 1: can strategize together on some you know, some just quick
32:12
Speaker 1: phrases that can you know, nip all of my retelling
32:17
Speaker 1: in the bud um. But if the conflict is between
32:22
Speaker 1: you and your s O, your significant other, there's always
32:26
Speaker 1: shortcut number two, which is using that humor in a
32:29
Speaker 1: fight as a way to resolve it, employing an inside
32:33
Speaker 1: joke or a pet name to sort of steer you
32:36
Speaker 1: back into relationships bill, which is challenging, sometimes depending on
32:43
Speaker 1: the conflict and sometimes depending on what we are talking about.
32:47
Speaker 1: Don't call me Bay? Don't you Bay right now? Am
32:51
Speaker 1: I be in twenty minutes? That's that's where we get
32:54
Speaker 1: the negative, Sweetheart, I guess, yeah, don't yeah, don't use
32:57
Speaker 1: it like that, listen, sweetheart, because when that happens, I
33:00
Speaker 1: think that's far more toxic. If you make the the
33:05
Speaker 1: sick jokes, the angry, darker jokes, and use pet names sarcastically, Yeah,
33:14
Speaker 1: that is toxic. That's only gonna deepen that conflict. Yeah,
33:18
Speaker 1: it might be more of like a when the realization
33:21
Speaker 1: starts to dawn that perhaps it's an unproductive argument or
33:25
Speaker 1: a fight that you've had a million times. Maybe once
33:28
Speaker 1: you start to realize that and pull yourself out of it,
33:31
Speaker 1: you can crack an inside joke and like, hey, I'm
33:34
Speaker 1: offering a hand out of this fight. Do you want
33:36
Speaker 1: to get out of it? This is silly, Yeah, I mean,
33:38
Speaker 1: that's one of those situations where one of you has
33:41
Speaker 1: to have the lighter perspective on it. I mean, but
33:46
Speaker 1: if you're both in the trenches, good luck, sweetheart. But
33:49
Speaker 1: all of these couple researchers and intimacy experts applaud the
33:55
Speaker 1: use of pet names, so hopefully they're in approval of
33:59
Speaker 1: me saying boyfriend dog, because that's definitely a very strange
34:03
Speaker 1: pet name. Oh yeah, I think it's a I think
34:06
Speaker 1: any psychologist would be like, that's super healthy. You have
34:10
Speaker 1: a unique name for the person you love. So if
34:14
Speaker 1: you and your significant other really hit to the kids
34:18
Speaker 1: speak these days, if you don't want to adopt Caroline's
34:22
Speaker 1: boyfriend dog girlfriend dog, you could be each other's bay,
34:26
Speaker 1: which I mean, and that also is not exclusive to
34:29
Speaker 1: romantic relationships. I mean, I have girlfriends who are Bay
34:33
Speaker 1: to me, um. But also when we're talking about Bay.
34:37
Speaker 1: Even though it is new to the mainstream, it has
34:40
Speaker 1: been around for longer than a hot minute. Yeah, and
34:45
Speaker 1: I mean whatever you call your person, or maybe you
34:48
Speaker 1: call your person person, that's also a thing that I
34:50
Speaker 1: call my boyfriend. Uh, it's a positive thing. Author Pat
34:54
Speaker 1: Love was telling Women's Health that pet names are an
34:56
Speaker 1: auditory marker that identifies the relationship as exclusive as does
35:01
Speaker 1: all of this couple language that we've been talking about.
35:04
Speaker 1: And it lets your boo and everyone else know that
35:07
Speaker 1: you're committed, and they reinforce that little mini culture that
35:11
Speaker 1: many environment that is your relationship. Yes. Speaking to Scientific American,
35:16
Speaker 1: Carol J. Bruis was talking about this and how if
35:20
Speaker 1: essentially you can't laugh at yourself and be lighthearted in
35:23
Speaker 1: your relationship, then that relationship is not going to sustain
35:27
Speaker 1: itself in a lighthearted, playful kind of way over the
35:31
Speaker 1: long term. And that and that playfulness is so necessary
35:34
Speaker 1: I think for long term sustainability. To make myself sound
35:37
Speaker 1: like my relationship is actually a corporation. And she says
35:42
Speaker 1: that maybe we even value our nicknames more today because
35:47
Speaker 1: everybody's always on the Twitter, you know, they're always on
35:51
Speaker 1: the Twitter talking to each other. They're always talking to
35:53
Speaker 1: each other. And she says that these this use of
35:57
Speaker 1: pet names, these auditory markers, can hell create and reinforce
36:01
Speaker 1: that two persons special intimate sphere, like if you're dealing
36:05
Speaker 1: with the public all day long, that you get to
36:08
Speaker 1: come home to your person, use special names in a
36:11
Speaker 1: special language, and it just reinforces like we're each other's
36:14
Speaker 1: and this is a safe, wonderful space. Well, I sort
36:17
Speaker 1: of have the reverse with that to some extent with
36:20
Speaker 1: my fiance, because he has appeared with me on a
36:23
Speaker 1: number of stuff I never told you videos, and he
36:27
Speaker 1: goes by the pseudonym professor Boyfriend. Now, of course professor Fiance,
36:34
Speaker 1: which some people miss here is Professor Beyonce, which I'm
36:36
Speaker 1: also totally fine with. UM. So it's like our our
36:41
Speaker 1: public pet name, because I like preserving the intimacy of
36:47
Speaker 1: our first names together and who we are as a
36:51
Speaker 1: couple to all of our family and friends off of
36:55
Speaker 1: the Internet. I don't call him professor fiance at home, um,
37:00
Speaker 1: unless he's wearing a blate tweet lazer with elbow patches.
37:05
Speaker 1: That never happens. And I just assumed that everybody used
37:09
Speaker 1: pet names for each other for their significant others. It
37:12
Speaker 1: turns out that no, it's not true. Uh. The authors
37:15
Speaker 1: of The Normal Bar did a completely non randomized, non
37:18
Speaker 1: scientific Internet survey on US participants, UH, interviewing them about
37:24
Speaker 1: pet names, well, a couple language in general, I think,
37:27
Speaker 1: but pet names too, and found that six of their
37:30
Speaker 1: U S survey respondents said they used pet names in
37:33
Speaker 1: their relationships, but among those who said they were very
37:36
Speaker 1: happy in their relationship, that number shoots up to seventy.
37:39
Speaker 1: So there you go that, yes, this is unscientific, but
37:42
Speaker 1: that confirms everything we've been saying that the stronger and
37:45
Speaker 1: happier you feel in your relationship, the more likely you
37:47
Speaker 1: are to develop this sort of secret language between the
37:49
Speaker 1: two of you to reflect your sweet feelings. And we
37:53
Speaker 1: take that sweetness so literally in a lot of the
37:57
Speaker 1: dessert related pet names that we will give each other,
38:02
Speaker 1: which kind of subtly indicate that your person is not
38:07
Speaker 1: just a person, but a treat the light in your life,
38:11
Speaker 1: like putting cupcake. Um. The French have my little cabbage
38:16
Speaker 1: or cream puff. There's a Dutch term meaning candy. In Russian,
38:21
Speaker 1: your ashenka is your special little cherry. Um. I amant
38:25
Speaker 1: a fan though of the sweet food nicknames. I I
38:31
Speaker 1: do like my little cabbage. I'm down for that, mon
38:33
Speaker 1: petit shoe, although Professor Fiance would probably prefer something like
38:38
Speaker 1: my my handsome, my gallant cabbage keeps your regular. Um. No,
38:45
Speaker 1: I called my my college roommate, Deepa. I called her.
38:50
Speaker 1: We called each other putting all the time because we
38:52
Speaker 1: we She and I lived together our senior year of
38:54
Speaker 1: college and then worked together at the newspaper, and we
38:58
Speaker 1: always referred to each other as how you doing puttin?
39:02
Speaker 1: How's your day? And yeah, So I don't think I've
39:04
Speaker 1: ever used like a sweet food term with a boyfriend. Yeah,
39:08
Speaker 1: I mean there was the sugar free jello guy, but
39:11
Speaker 1: that that clearly was doomed from the stiglers. Um. But
39:18
Speaker 1: of course there are downsides to these pet names. Can
39:22
Speaker 1: you talk a little bit about roommates syndrome, which is
39:25
Speaker 1: apparently can can foster. This is I'm going to be honest,
39:28
Speaker 1: this is like a deathly serious fear of mine in
39:31
Speaker 1: any relationship is roommates syndrome. And I mean I think
39:35
Speaker 1: I think that that's something that a lot of couples
39:37
Speaker 1: share about, this fear of like, you know, especially maybe
39:40
Speaker 1: if if your parents developed roommates and German. You grew
39:43
Speaker 1: up watching that, and it's something that authors Maggie Rna
39:46
Speaker 1: and Julian Davis talk about in arguing against the use
39:51
Speaker 1: of pet names, and their argument is basically that the
39:54
Speaker 1: minute you start calling your sweetie muffin, your relationship goes
39:58
Speaker 1: from super hot it too friendly. And they think that's
40:03
Speaker 1: like the worst thing that can happen, so they say
40:08
Speaker 1: that it kills your sex life. But everything that we've
40:10
Speaker 1: read so far, Kristen indicates that pet names and couple
40:13
Speaker 1: speak ebb and flow with the strength and satisfaction of
40:16
Speaker 1: your relationship, and then it's the relationship that dictates how
40:20
Speaker 1: much actual couple speak you'll use. Yeah, I mean, I
40:25
Speaker 1: think it's the type of pet names that will develop.
40:29
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't see roommates syndrome um happening to
40:33
Speaker 1: people who call each other muffin and cutie cake cabbage pie.
40:39
Speaker 1: But if it's I'll catch this is embarrassing. But I
40:44
Speaker 1: catch myself partially because it's our dog's name, but never
40:51
Speaker 1: fiance and I are never buddy to each other. Hey buddy,
40:54
Speaker 1: Hey buddy, what's up? Like it's we intentionally keep our
40:58
Speaker 1: pet names non a tonic because we lived together too,
41:02
Speaker 1: and yeah, I mean roommates syndrome. Oh yeah, it can
41:04
Speaker 1: happen for sure, Um, and it is. I think minding
41:08
Speaker 1: your language is a good way to guard against it.
41:13
Speaker 1: So it's always like, hello, how does sexy cabin in kindergarten?
41:18
Speaker 1: You are my sexy little cabins And as one of
41:22
Speaker 1: the authors Arana points out, hey, we're all ego driven.
41:25
Speaker 1: We like hearing our names, although although the use of
41:30
Speaker 1: your real Christian name, which I say lately, often indicates
41:36
Speaker 1: are in trouble. Yeah, it is so weird to me
41:40
Speaker 1: sometimes to hear my fiance called me Kristen. Yeah, something
41:45
Speaker 1: serious is going on? Like wait, no, I only answered
41:48
Speaker 1: a babe, Yeah what is this? Yeah? I only if
41:52
Speaker 1: I'm yelling across the house because I need something or
41:54
Speaker 1: I have a question. It's always going to be boyfriend,
41:57
Speaker 1: That's what I yell across the house, And the same
41:59
Speaker 1: thing girlfriend and yells across the house at me and listeners.
42:02
Speaker 1: If she needs me at work, she just yells podcaster.
42:06
Speaker 1: But the thing is we have desks next to each other,
42:09
Speaker 1: and I'm like, what are you going, colleague, cabbage colleague,
42:17
Speaker 1: my petite petite colleague cabbage. I kind of like that,
42:21
Speaker 1: to be honest, I think that's that's pretty sweet. Now
42:24
Speaker 1: we need someone to to draw us as affectionate cabbage friends. Yes,
42:30
Speaker 1: do we just need cabbage patch dolls? No? No, no,
42:35
Speaker 1: Caroline's eyes just full open. Now I'm not a fan.
42:38
Speaker 1: I had cabbage patch dolls growing up. I went to
42:40
Speaker 1: the cabbage patch like factory. What is it called the
42:44
Speaker 1: cabbage patch like hospital or something? Yeah, the hospital where
42:47
Speaker 1: they like berth the cabbage patch babies. I'm no, I
42:51
Speaker 1: don't need to revisit that. But cabbage cubicle mates we
42:56
Speaker 1: can be yeah, okay, cool, Yeah, listeners, If anyone can
43:01
Speaker 1: render us as as friendly cabbages, we'd love you forever.
43:05
Speaker 1: Don't forget Christen's red lipstick. Well, now we want to
43:12
Speaker 1: know about your secret languages that you share with significant others,
43:16
Speaker 1: whether that is a romantic significant other or a BFF
43:20
Speaker 1: or a family member, whoever is special to you. Does
43:24
Speaker 1: this resonate with how you find yourself speaking to the
43:28
Speaker 1: people you love. Let us know mom Stuff at how
43:31
Speaker 1: stuff works dot Com is our email address. You can
43:34
Speaker 1: also tweet us at mom stuff podcast or messages on
43:36
Speaker 1: Facebook and We've got a couple of messages to share
43:39
Speaker 1: with you right now. Alrighty, well, I have a Facebook
43:46
Speaker 1: message here from Christine about our maternity leave episode. She says,
43:51
Speaker 1: Hello ladies, Hello Christine. First of all, as everyone always does,
43:56
Speaker 1: I must tell you that I have been a fan
43:57
Speaker 1: for many years. You've helped me through hours of TDS
44:01
Speaker 1: activities and help me be singled out as the person
44:03
Speaker 1: in my circle friends who's constantly saying so, I was
44:06
Speaker 1: listening to a podcast. She goes on to say, as
44:09
Speaker 1: I was getting ready this morning, I was listening to
44:11
Speaker 1: the podcast on maternity leave. I might have an interesting
44:14
Speaker 1: perspective on this. I'm a teacher, and not just a
44:16
Speaker 1: classroom teacher, but I teach theater at a school in Texas. As.
44:20
Speaker 1: You know, everything in Texas has to be bigger than life,
44:23
Speaker 1: and theater is no exception. The expectation for my theater
44:26
Speaker 1: program is anywhere from three to five shows per year.
44:29
Speaker 1: These are all rehearsed after school. Let's olf. Rehearsals are
44:32
Speaker 1: generally three times per week and last generally two hours,
44:35
Speaker 1: and as you get closer to the show, they are
44:37
Speaker 1: more frequent and less longer. I don't have children, yet,
44:40
Speaker 1: but with thirty right around the corner, it's on my brain.
44:42
Speaker 1: My constant question that I'm asking myself is how can
44:45
Speaker 1: I manage to have a child when I'm putting so
44:47
Speaker 1: much time into my theater program. When I asked this
44:50
Speaker 1: of other theater teachers I meet, about fifty percent say
44:53
Speaker 1: you just make it work, and the other fifty say planning.
44:56
Speaker 1: What they mean is this, they gave themselves approximately one
45:00
Speaker 1: months to get pregnant for the year, and then would
45:02
Speaker 1: wait until the next year if they didn't get pregnant.
45:04
Speaker 1: Most teachers will jokingly tell you that the ideal months
45:07
Speaker 1: to get pregnant is August. That way, when you give birth,
45:10
Speaker 1: you won't have to come back to school, and we'll
45:11
Speaker 1: just get to spend the whole summer with your new
45:13
Speaker 1: bundle of joy. The terrifying aspect of this is that
45:17
Speaker 1: I am seriously considering this. I hate that I have
45:19
Speaker 1: to feel that I need to be pigeonholed into getting
45:21
Speaker 1: pregnant during only one month of the year, but the
45:24
Speaker 1: thought of not being able to spend those first few
45:26
Speaker 1: weeks and months with my first child is heartbreaking. If
45:29
Speaker 1: you read this on the podcast, please add a shout
45:31
Speaker 1: out for all the teachers who spend so many additional
45:34
Speaker 1: hours at school with their child in tow while they're
45:37
Speaker 1: in daycare and mom or dad is checking their watch
45:39
Speaker 1: because they know they need to pick them up before
45:41
Speaker 1: six pm, and who decided to stay home because they
45:44
Speaker 1: too need recognition. Well thanks Christeve, Well I've got to
45:49
Speaker 1: let her here. From Samantha also about our maternity leave episode,
45:52
Speaker 1: and she writes the maternity leave topic struck home for
45:56
Speaker 1: me for a few reasons, the first one being that
45:58
Speaker 1: you didn't discuss help pregnant seat in the lack of
46:01
Speaker 1: maternity leave can affect students. I had my daughter my
46:04
Speaker 1: second senior year in college. I knew I wouldn't get
46:07
Speaker 1: any time off classes and that as soon as I graduated,
46:10
Speaker 1: I'd have to start working, so he planned the pregnant
46:12
Speaker 1: seat for my Christmas break. I carried her with little
46:15
Speaker 1: complication for entirely full spring, summer, and false semesters. Due
46:20
Speaker 1: to medical reasons, I was induced two days after my
46:22
Speaker 1: final exams ended. This gave me around two weeks before
46:25
Speaker 1: returning to classes. My spring wasn't dandy, however, as I
46:29
Speaker 1: had several medical complications resulting in numerous doctors visits and surgeries,
46:33
Speaker 1: which meant missing classes and having to self teach some
46:36
Speaker 1: of my senior classes. It also meant pumping breast milk
46:39
Speaker 1: once or twice a day in my car with shades
46:40
Speaker 1: up when I could go, and working off very little sleep.
46:43
Speaker 1: But that's another story. I managed through all that to
46:46
Speaker 1: graduate in May with my degrees in engineering and philosophy,
46:49
Speaker 1: but wish it could have been made easier and maybe
46:52
Speaker 1: some complications avoided by getting to take some time off.
46:55
Speaker 1: My work is an entirely different story. I worked closely
46:59
Speaker 1: with the welding industry, and due to environmental hazards, would
47:02
Speaker 1: have to stop doing my job over health concerns for
47:04
Speaker 1: the baby. I guess I would have to change to
47:07
Speaker 1: an inside office job unrelated to my degree or training,
47:10
Speaker 1: or leave and hope there's a job there when I'm
47:13
Speaker 1: ready to return. This is about all I can imagine,
47:15
Speaker 1: since I'm the only woman in the entire company in
47:18
Speaker 1: the boys club of getting to go to industrial sites,
47:21
Speaker 1: so there's a lot of concern that I fit into
47:22
Speaker 1: the idea of a younger employee, which is typically male
47:25
Speaker 1: and doesn't take leave when a child is born. The
47:28
Speaker 1: few women that I know have returned after giving birth,
47:31
Speaker 1: took maybe two weeks and had zero complications. My company
47:34
Speaker 1: isn't cruel by any means, and they really support family,
47:37
Speaker 1: especially in times of need, which we've experienced, but the
47:40
Speaker 1: environment is lean and one of the no free lunch
47:43
Speaker 1: when it comes to getting the job done. This is
47:45
Speaker 1: a small part of why my husband and I decided
47:47
Speaker 1: to stop with our daughter and not have another child.
47:52
Speaker 1: So thanks for that insight, Samantha, and thanks to everyone
47:55
Speaker 1: who's written into us mom. Stuff at al safwork dot
47:57
Speaker 1: com is where you can send your emails and for
48:00
Speaker 1: links all of our social media as well as all
48:02
Speaker 1: of our blogs, videos and podcasts, including this one with
48:06
Speaker 1: links to our sources. So you can learn more about
48:08
Speaker 1: the psychology of couple speak. Head on over to stuff
48:12
Speaker 1: Mom Never Told You dot com for moralness and thousands
48:19
Speaker 1: of other topics. Does it How stuff works dot com