Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #116 How Step Parents Can Make Genuine Connections

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#116 How Step Parents Can Make Genuine Connections · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, I'm doctor Justin Coulson,
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Speaker 1: dad to six kids, author of six books, and I'm
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Speaker 1: joined by Luke and Susie, husband and wife radio team.
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Speaker 1: They have three young boys, and today we're talking about
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Speaker 1: the challenge of making step parenting work. Although I think
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Speaker 1: that the lessons from this conversation will be applicable to
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Speaker 1: pretty much any parent in any situation where relationships are
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Speaker 1: a little strained at home. Michael sent in a question Susie.
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Speaker 2: Michael said, my new wife is an amazing mother to
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Speaker 2: her kids, his step kids. She seems to be effortless
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Speaker 2: in how she cares for them and has a lot
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Speaker 2: of fun with them. But it's a struggle for me.
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Speaker 2: I want to be involved. Where do I start? Is
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Speaker 2: what Michael asks.
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Speaker 1: Being a stepdad's a really tricky job because children love
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Speaker 1: their parents and they feel as though, in many cases,
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Speaker 1: once that biological parent that they used to live with
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Speaker 1: is now no longer there and they've only got one
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Speaker 1: of them, and then there's somebody knew that's come on board.
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Speaker 1: Sometimes it can feel like there's a bit of a
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Speaker 1: contest for mum's attention. In addition, sometimes the new step
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Speaker 1: parent can feel like, well, because I'm married to your
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Speaker 1: mum or to your dad, I've got to have some
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Speaker 1: level of stewardship, some sort of responsibility for you and
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Speaker 1: your behavior, And so we end up with all sorts
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Speaker 1: of boundary issues around the relationships and around discipline and
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Speaker 1: even I'm thinking about Michael. You know, he's fallen in
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Speaker 1: love and has a beautiful relationship with these children's mum.
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Speaker 1: But just because he's got a great relationship with mum
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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that he's going to automatically have a great
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Speaker 1: relationship with the children. They haven't spent the same kind
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Speaker 1: of time with him in the same way that mum has.
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Speaker 1: And so there are all of these things going on
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Speaker 1: that make the development of a new family extremely challenging,
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Speaker 1: and the development of those new relationships between Michael and
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Speaker 1: his step kids very very difficult to really get going.
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Speaker 2: It's a difficult question for you to answer as well,
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Speaker 2: because we don't know details. We don't know if she
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Speaker 2: was widowed or if if she was divorced, We don't
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Speaker 2: know the ages of the children that are involved, how
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Speaker 2: many children involve the genders of the children involved, So
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Speaker 2: we're going to be speaking in generalizations. I realized, look,
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Speaker 2: you were.
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Speaker 3: Going to say, I was going to say, because there's
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Speaker 3: two defaults that I feel like we can probably go
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Speaker 3: into in a step parent situation, and one is to
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Speaker 3: overly try and be their friend and try and win
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Speaker 3: them over by being cool, or to overly try and
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Speaker 3: be their parent and try and be too disciplinary. And
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Speaker 3: we've seen from all the movies how horribly both of
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Speaker 3: those options go wrong.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, justin Yeah, Yeah, I don't know that Hollywood's going
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Speaker 1: to be the very best indicator of how this could
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Speaker 1: play out, but I guess there might be some imitating
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Speaker 1: life or vice versa. You know, if I was in
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Speaker 1: that situation, or if I was counseling somebody who had
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Speaker 1: just entered that situation, my suggestion will be number one,
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Speaker 1: take it easy, go slow, don't try to be their friend,
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Speaker 1: don't even try to be their parent, because you're neither.
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Speaker 1: And so when you try to be one of those
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Speaker 1: two things, it's inauthentic and it's not fair on you
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Speaker 1: or the children. It's not fair on the family, it's
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Speaker 1: not even fair on your wife. So what I'd suggest
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Speaker 1: instead is learn about the kids in non stalk, greation,
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Speaker 1: non weird ways. Because it's twenty twenty, I kind of
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Speaker 1: feel like I need to put a little cavity in there.
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Speaker 1: We need to develop appropriate relationships with them, but ask
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Speaker 1: if you can go on a walk or a ride
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Speaker 1: with them, have someone on one time, get to know them.
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Speaker 1: Don't worry about talking too much about you, Just ask
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Speaker 1: them about their lives. If they're not really keen to
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Speaker 1: talk about themselves, maybe share a few things about yourself.
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Speaker 1: Because as you invest in the relationship, I mean you've
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Speaker 1: heard me say this over and over and over again.
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Speaker 1: Just like dollars of the currency of our economy, connection
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Speaker 1: is the currency of our relationships. So we've got to
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Speaker 1: spend time developing those connections. And the only way we
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Speaker 1: can do that is to actually spend time. The other
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Speaker 1: thing that I'd suggest in that same vein is I'd
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Speaker 1: spend time engaged in what I'm going to call in
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Speaker 1: inverted commas wholesome recreational activities. Now that's an intentionally stated
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Speaker 1: phrase that means go and play games and to music,
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Speaker 1: engage in activities that are good fun that are either
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Speaker 1: active physically or active cognitively. And that get everybody together,
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Speaker 1: ideally in a non competitive way, or if there is competition,
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Speaker 1: make sure it's very friendly competition with a focus on
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Speaker 1: the relationship and getting better at a skill. So maybe
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Speaker 1: go down to the park and learn how to throw
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Speaker 1: a frisbee or kick a ball, or maybe sit down
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Speaker 1: and play some boggle or boulder dash or monopoly. But
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Speaker 1: those are the kinds of activities where you just slowly
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Speaker 1: develop a relationship because those kids, they don't have the
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Speaker 1: depth of relationship. They haven't learned to trust you yet.
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Speaker 3: And I get a sense that maybe whatever approach you take,
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Speaker 3: there is a risk that you can try too hard,
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Speaker 3: and when you try too hard, maybe that's a barrier
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Speaker 3: that from the kid's perspective, like, oh my gosh, here
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Speaker 3: he goes again.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I reckon. I'd address this in a conversation, and
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Speaker 1: this is the second thing outside of spending time in
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Speaker 1: the relationship. The second thing that I would do, depending
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Speaker 1: on the age of the children, is I'd address it
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Speaker 1: directly by saying I can see that every now and
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Speaker 1: again it looks like I'm trying too hard, or you
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Speaker 1: don't really want to engage with me because I'm not
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Speaker 1: your dad. Or you feel a bit uncomfortable because this
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Speaker 1: is one of those conversations that's probably just between you
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Speaker 1: and your mum, Or do you know what I mean?
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Speaker 1: Like you're actually saying, I get how it feels for
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Speaker 1: you to be engaged in this situation with me when
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Speaker 1: it's not what you would have picked. In fact, I
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Speaker 1: know a couple of step parents who have used a
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Speaker 1: line along these lines. They've said, I know that you
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Speaker 1: didn't ask for me to be in your life. I
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Speaker 1: know that what you want more than anything is for
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Speaker 1: your mum and dad to be together and for everything
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Speaker 1: to be the way that it was supposed to be,
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Speaker 1: and it didn't work out that way, and you feel
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Speaker 1: like it's totally unfair. And I know that you see
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Speaker 1: me as somebody who's actually stopping your parents from ever
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Speaker 1: being together again. And I can't do anything about that.
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Speaker 1: I feel awful for you, and I wish it was different.
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Speaker 1: But here's what I can do. I can promise to
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Speaker 1: earn your trust, and I can promise to not try
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Speaker 1: too hard, and I can promise to leave you alone
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Speaker 1: when you need me to. And you know they've gone
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Speaker 1: in from that perspective, which shows a wonderful empathy and
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Speaker 1: a wonderful desire to say, I'm going to support your
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Speaker 1: autonomy as you decide how much you can trust me.
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Speaker 1: Oh you know what, it's also worth mentioning Luke and
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Speaker 1: Susie what trust is. And I love this definition of trust.
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Speaker 1: It comes from doctor John Gottman, and he says, trust
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Speaker 1: is the belief that the other person's always going to
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Speaker 1: act in your best interest. And I think at the
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Speaker 1: very heart of Michael's dilemma may be a question of trust.
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Speaker 1: At this point, do the step children truly believe that
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Speaker 1: he is going to act in their best interests? They
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Speaker 1: probably believe that he's going to act in his best interest,
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Speaker 1: maybe even in Mum's best interest, but do they believe
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Speaker 1: that he'll act in their best interest? And his great
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Speaker 1: challenge is to prove that he is.
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Speaker 3: This is a subject that's very raw and personal for
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Speaker 3: me because we have a puppy, and that puppy loves
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Speaker 3: Susie more than it loves me. Justin this is I
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Speaker 3: know this is going to sound ridiculous, but bear with me.
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Speaker 1: Right Michael right now is shaking his head saying, I
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Speaker 1: can't believe you're comparing my circumstances to your puppy.
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Speaker 3: But wait, wait, bear with me here. Susie was the
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Speaker 3: be all and end all to this dog, and I
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Speaker 3: found like while I spent time with him, it was
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Speaker 3: just cuddle time, but it wasn't. I didn't get to
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Speaker 3: play with him because I was working and I didn't
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Speaker 3: get I didn't wasn't the one who brought hi food,
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Speaker 3: and I wasn't the one who was there during these moments.
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Speaker 3: And so whenever I called the dog, it would never
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Speaker 3: come to me, never got excited, because I only took
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Speaker 3: him out when it was cold to go to the
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Speaker 3: toilet late at night. There was nothing good that came
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Speaker 3: from spending time with me when I called him, and
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Speaker 3: when we talked to Pet about training, and he just
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Speaker 3: encouraged to say, they'll respond to you when the history
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Speaker 3: is good things happen when I go to that space.
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Speaker 3: Good things happen when I respond, And it's been incredible
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Speaker 3: how quickly. And I know this is dogs, not kids,
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Speaker 3: So I'm just trying to correlate with what you're saying
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Speaker 3: that trust, that best interest is this consistent pattern of
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Speaker 3: experience to say, good things happen when I'm with him,
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Speaker 3: Good things happen and I'm protected when my stepdad is around.
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Speaker 1: I think he might have pulled the wreck out of
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Speaker 1: the swamp.
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Speaker 2: Luke. He got there in the end.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, the while a bit of a whine up, but
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Speaker 1: we got there. Yeah. You know, that's really at the
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Speaker 1: heart of all this conversation is step parenting is about
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Speaker 1: building trust, that is, building a sense that intentions are
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Speaker 1: always good and the person that the step parent is
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Speaker 1: definitely engaged in trying to help, not hinder.
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Speaker 2: Beautiful. Well, we appreciate you having a crack at a
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Speaker 2: question where when we don't get a lot of details.
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Speaker 2: I know it's fairly generic answers, but that was beautifully,
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Speaker 2: beautifully done, Doctor Justin Colson.
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Speaker 3: Look, I could go further with my puppy analogy. I
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Speaker 3: can correlated, but thanks Justin.
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