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Transcript

Rip Micheals Comedy Special Did I Go Too Far 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: So let me address the elephant in the room.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, I have congenital heart failure, which means that my heart is at 15%, and I'm actually on the heart donors list right now to get a new heart.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: So big shout out to the American Heart Association, the CPR Association, the Medical Pission.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: And what congenital heart failure means is that means I was born with it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: That means I was born with it.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Ain't because I like fried chicken.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: It ain't because I do a whole bunch of other stuff, it's because my dad had a bad heart.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: My dad had diabetes, high blood pressure, glaucoma, he was born with all that shit, hypertension.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: So basically, what that means is my mama made bad dick decisions.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's why it's congenital heart failure.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's what that means.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: My mama chose good dick over a good heart.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's what she chose.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm looking at some of these women who made bad dick decisions in here, too.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Sitting by themselves in a rainbow outfit.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I see you.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Looking like a city girl from City Trends.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Did I go too far?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just tell me if I go too far.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: And it's funny because I was in a hospital and I would tell you one thing.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: That shit sucked ass.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was in a hospital and I got diagnosed with it, and I moved from ICU to CCU, and I would tell you one thing.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Married couples make some noise if you're married.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: If you're with somebody you love.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: One thing I would tell you right now, if you are in a relationship and you are married, the most important thing in life is having someone by your side.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Having someone that's gonna be with you, ride or die.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: None of that other shit matters.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: It don't matter about no red lobster, don't matter about no vacations.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: It matters someone being there for you at the most important part of your life, at the most important time of your motherfucking life.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I only been married for two years, and I want to tell you one thing.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: My wife, my wife, this bitch was gone when I was in the hospital.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: My wife was Indian, she left in a curry.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I went through a lot to meet my wife.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: You understand that?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: I went through a lot to meet my wife.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know the 7-Elevens I had to go in to meet this bitch?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: How many Dunkin' Donuts, how many Uber rides I had to take.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand that shit?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: I got married in a full Indian outfit.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know how hard it is to find a pair of Air Force Ones that curl up at the toe.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: But one thing I will tell you, I've had full custody of my daughter since she was two years old.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I raised her by myself.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: And my daughter was there every single day while I was in the hospital by my side, talking to me.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter was there every fucking minute.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter was in the hospital with me so long we ran out of shit to talk about.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And my daughter came out to me in the hospital.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: My daughter said, Daddy, I'm gay.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, wow, sweetheart.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Can I tell you something, Daddy?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, come here.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, come here.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, smell Latin.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what the fuck is that?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, that bitch from the bus.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, sweetheart, that is disgusting.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Let me smell it again.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, that's the BX19.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I know Bronx Pussy wanna smell it.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Did I go too far?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Is that too much?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: Some people like, what kind of shit is that, Rip?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're in the hospital, everybody call you.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: I had everybody call me while I was in the hospital.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: I had an ex-girlfriend call me.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't talked to this bitch since we were 16 years old.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of people want to have a conversation with you.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people want to have a heart-to-heart conversation.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this ain't the time that you have a heart-to-heart conversation.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's like heart to lung, kind of.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Heart to 15% of heart.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sitting in the hospital, girlfriend called me.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't talked to her, and she's like, Rip, I just want you to know that I think about us a lot.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry for leaving your high school for another man.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I just think about how old our son could have been.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: He would have been 25 years old today.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Do you understand what would have happened?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: What our son could have been if he would have lived?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Yeah.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: He could have been a heart donor.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, You so selfish.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, bitch, you selfish.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: You killed him because you could finish school and you ain't even finished.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: At least his life could have had purpose.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, Rip, that's not fucking funny.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going through a lot.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: My husband left me for another man.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: My kids on drugs.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm being suicidal.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, damn.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: What's your blood type?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Nigga, I take any heart.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're in the hospital, you know what's weird?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You start questioning your mortality.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm literally on a heart transplant list, and I'm literally waiting for somebody to die.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I could live.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now I see life differently.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Every time I see a car accident, I slow down and be like, Lord, is that my blessing?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Won't he do it?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, nah, that nigga walking.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: False alarm, God.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Nigga, sometimes I ride to Brooklyn to go through the pink houses to look for gunshots.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: He'd be like, is that my blessing?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: I swear to God, I hope he ain't positive.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a fuck.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'll go anywhere to get a heart.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: I just want a heart, nigga.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'll go to Gaza, get me a heart, nigga.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a fuck.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care what it is, nigga.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Either one, they can figure that shit outside my body.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I was thinking about kind of what hearts I would have.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think every black man wants a young white heart.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I just hope I don't get a racist white cop's heart.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to have to beat myself up over it.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I see Spanish people here.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I could take a Dominican heart.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: That should be beating at all times of the night.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Doom did it doom doom boom boom.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want a Haitian heart either.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: That should be beat and go.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Boom, boom.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-oh.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Why do you eat so lit?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want no Jamaican heart either.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I fuck around, work myself to death.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot has changed since I've been out here.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Is it just me or girls with BBLs?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: The more work you had done about it, the looser they pussy be.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Is it just me?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Look at all the girls like that ain't funny, Rip.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Nigga, it's just me.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you, your shit be trash.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: How the fuck you get a mommy makeover and forget about the mommy part?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I don't understand.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Skin tight, but your pussy loose.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of shit is that?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: I got an auntie.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: She's 72 years old.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: She just got her whole body done, face done, neck done, ass done, titties done.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't gonna lie to you.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: She looks like a young 60, but that pussy at least 78.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: How you gonna paint the car and not put a two-moo transmission in it?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: That don't make no goddamn sense.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I see all the couples in here.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: How long y'all been together?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right here, sir.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I could tell y'all married couple.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do I could look at y'all.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: You got the TJ Maxx sweater on.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: She got the Burlington Kofaq dress.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: I see.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: How long y'all been together?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Thirteen years.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Clap it up, that's nice.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: And that's beautiful, sir.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Thirteen years?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody could be 13 years?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Where?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's beautiful.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Who could be twenty-three years?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: How long, sweetheart?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: You went what?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Thirty-four?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: And that nigga bought you a ten-dollar seat.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: What's love got to do?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Got to do with who needs a seed where?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: You might want to trade your pussy in.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: You said you got balcony pussy.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just playing, sweetheart.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I know that was your decision.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Huh, wink wing.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Look at all the good pussy sitting down here.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, my pussy goods.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I see you, sweetie.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: You got right there.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let me see you look like a do-rag, sweetheart.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up, let me see you.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: I will take some of that civil rights pussy.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: And don't be trying to do young shit.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Do it and young.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: That pussy done go ski.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: That pussy goes zipping.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: I see skies of gray.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Red roses too.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I say to my level.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: What a wonderful world.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Zataran.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think every ethnicity in here eat coochie.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like big man.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: You eat coochie?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: About to say, nigga, come on, don't do that.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: You eat everything else.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do that.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet potatoes, hot dogs, honey bars, palau.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Least you could do.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Look at that.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hold up, nigga.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Hold that up.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Hold that up in the air.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: That nigga got snacks right there.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Look at that shit.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I love you back, sweetheart.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I see that.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: You thick too.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up, sweetie.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, there you go.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Rock back first.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's when you know the pussy good.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: When you rock back to get up, nigga, that shit's sexy.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Hold up.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: Bitch, you got the same body as me.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Turn around.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's us.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Let me do me.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm talking about, sweetie.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: You sexy.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: I love thick girls, right?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_03: Mm-mm-mm.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: That pussy will fuck up my heart.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: I know it does.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: That shit probably tastes like Snickers, greens, how I can go off.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: I bet you open your legs.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be like, I got greens, beans, tomatoes, tomatoes, ram, yam.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: There you go.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: You made the nigga in the wheelchair turn around.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: He was like that nigga was like, I want that pussy really bad.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: You having a good time, sir?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you Spanish too.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: I already know.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: You a freak, ain't you, sir?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, what kind of Spanish?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you Dominican?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so you need Dominicans in here make some noise?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I see you.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Dominican, I know.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: They eat coochie right there.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: All my Spanish people, they really go in.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: I could tell.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Spanish eat pussy differently, they don't they?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: They come in a room and make it sexy, they be like, too nice.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna do anything special for you.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to come say dice.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's how young Dominicans eat pussy, man fast.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Puerto Ricans eat it differently.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Puerto Ricans?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Puerto Ricans sing to the pussy, they be like Una palabra.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: No dice nada.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Porque la lluvia.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Subre tucada.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: But if that shit stink, they will embarrass the shit out here.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: Bacalau.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: Bacalau.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: El bario.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: White guy.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Freak too?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he's like, hell yes.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: White people eat coochie differently, don't you?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: They let you know.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: They say some shit you ain't never heard, ladies.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: They be like, I'm gonna go freshen up.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be right back.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: All of a sudden the TV comes on, a head spin around, like, hello, Keisha.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: I want to play a game with you.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've hit the key inside your ass.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: West Indians eat coochie.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, they do.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: Haitians eat coochie.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know they do too.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: They let you know they eat coochie as soon as you meet you.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: They be like, Sakpoose?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, they do.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Jamaicans be lying about it all the time.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: Jamaicans lie all the fucking time.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: They act like they don't.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: They'll be like, yo, I mean never eat anything on GitHub, I'd walk away.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: They do it, they just make an announcement first.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: They be like, yo, I'm gonna do something special for your birthday, you understand?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: What I do right now, you tell anyone I mush up them bomb club.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: Batman go down and batman pull up.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: They be like, wait, wait, why you so mushy?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: What is this?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: On them vampires of the city.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: But them blood, blood, blood.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know me, I'm a freak.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: I eat a girl out three times in one night.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: She'd be like, Rip, you did that already.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'd be like, bitch, when I eat, when I eat, sweetie, I ain't eat.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't eat nothing.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I like being in there.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: I see the couples in here, and I like that.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: I was just fucking with you up top, sweetheart.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: You said 35 years, that is fucking huh?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: $10 seat.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: I want to tell you, I appreciate y'all.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: 35 years is a long fucking time to be together, and that's beautiful.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: That is truly black excellence.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because my parents have been together for 42 years.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: And they've been cheating on each other for 41 years in this bitch.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even realize my parents were cheating on each other.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: Because my dad used to make me call his girlfriend Auntie.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: See, I didn't know that wasn't my auntie.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know the one day I came home, I was like, mama, look what auntie jockeyball me.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, that ain't your goddamn auntie.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's your daddy girlfriend.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Now go outside, your uncle Craig is gonna take you to the zoo.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because I will tell you one thing, if you can't learn shit else from me, no one in this entire world is smarter than a woman.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand that?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because women are smarter than men.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: How many women in here with your real friends?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: Clap your hands.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Your ride of that friends, that bitch that got your back no matter what.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: She like right here.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know that girl you can call at three o'clock in the morning, she got your back.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: You be like, bitch, they fucking with me.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: She be like, bitch, I'm on my way.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: Trust and believe, they don't want it with a Brooklyn bitch.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'ma have my kids watch my kids.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because women have real friends.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: They have ride or die fucking friends.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Do you understand me?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's why women don't ever get caught cheating.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: You see these ladies right here?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: That ain't nothing but a CSI team.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: You understand me?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Women cheat together.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Hear me?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Women don't cheat alone.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: If women gonna cheat on you, they're gonna have a meeting.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna have a discussion.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be a it's gonna be together.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be planned.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: They like a football team.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: They get on one knee in the bathroom and draw the play.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: They be like, okay, remember that nigga from the comedy club?
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna give him some pussy.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: What I need you to do is park your car around corner, okay?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: When Kareem calls you, bitch, don't pick up.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: What you do is you text me with heat back, I'ma act like I was asleep.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Real bitches on three.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: One, two, three, real bitches.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: Fellas, we ain't got no goddamn real friends.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: Fellas, if you with your real friend right now, clap your hands.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: Niggas ain't got no fucking friends.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: You two niggas right here ain't real friends.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Let me you real friends?
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: Up there.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: Right there in the beard.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all real friends?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: So you got his back no matter what.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: You ride or die.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Ride or die.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: 100%.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: Ain't no fucking friends.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: We don't have fucking friends.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: We just got niggas we hang out with till the cops come.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's all it is.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: You seen that shit, right?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: You can have two niggas, they can sell drugs for 15 years.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: All you gotta do is put one nigga in one room, put another nigga in one room, say something, and act like another nigga said something, both of them niggas go to jail.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: You see first 48, you be like, Kareem said you had the gun.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: You be like, you a goddamn liar.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: Kareem had the gun, stole the car, drove all that shit to jersey.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: You be like, thank you very much, nigga.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all both go to jail.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_01: Niggas don't have no friends.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's why we get caught cheating all the fucking time.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ever fucking cheat, sir.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ever cheat.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: This your lady, don't cheat.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: Cause you're gonna get fucking caught.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna get fucking caught.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: Women will never get caught.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know why?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because women have fucking no evidence ever about getting caught cheating.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's your man.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's your man.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Sweet, sir.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: Ask your girl for a phone right now.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Ask her for it.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: She give it to you.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: Look at that shit.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now, sweetheart, ask that nigga for his phone.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, unlock the bitch.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: Unlock it though.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: Unlock it, nigga.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: You won't do that shit, nigga.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: You'll crash your iPhone 16.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be like, fuck this phone.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck this phone.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: You think I'm gonna let our relationship get ruined by the phone?
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: I normally keep it simple.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't do a lot of, like, I never had sex with a white woman, sir.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, no disrespect.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: I just never did it.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_02: But he damn sure tried.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_02: And he damn sure tried.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_02: You feel me, ladies?
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone knows you're not even a real wildin' out cast member.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, you look like sexy red, the trailer park edition.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do that.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do that.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_02: What are we gonna do though, Rip?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_02: Because honestly, we know that you are the man at roasting people.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: So you've been roasting me, you've been roasting self.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_02: The thing is, I want to see what you could do with people you're not around every day.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_02: Like I'm trying to see you go in the crowd and really see where your work is at.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: If that's what we're gonna do, I just want to say something, ladies and gentlemen.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: That I appreciate each and every one of you right now.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: And God has placed it on my heart to come down here and speak to people right now.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's what you want me to do.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_02: Amen.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_01: We're about to have church right now.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_02: Okay?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_01: God has placed it on my heart to talk about some of y'all.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my God.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a little person sitting right here?
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up, sir.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: In a chair so I can see you all the way, sir.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_02: I thought that was conceited for a second.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: Rip?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: That ain't conceited?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: I would ask you for your heart, but you can only give me a little bit.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want oopa loopah heart, sir.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: Have a seat.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: And how you doing, sweetie?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: Don't get nervous, sweetheart.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Are you alright right now?
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: Are you single, sweetheart?
• 21:03
  unknown: Huh?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking to my you single?
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: You single?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: How long have you been single, sweetie?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_03: About two months.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Two months.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: And you've been doing it all by yourself.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: Have you been doing it all by yourself?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: Maintaining, sweetheart?
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: Maintaining, of course.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, sweetie, I found something that you've never thought about doing for a minute.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Sweetheart?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: I know you said you were gay earlier, sweetheart.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: If you're ready to switch teams, stand up.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: She will eat your pussy and it's back to school cold.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Sir, how you doing?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Frank Lucas.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: I see you sitting in a wheelchair, sir.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: How long have you been in this wheelchair, sir?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thirteen years.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: 13 years.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to walk again?
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: I tell you what now.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: If you really want to walk again, how bad do you want to walk again?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Really bad.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm willing to do one thing that ain't nobody ever offered with you.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm willing to give you my legs if you give me your heart.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you can rock right into ever the heaven.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Will you want to trade me, sir?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing, sweetheart?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up, let us see you, sweetie.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: What's your name, sweetie?
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_03: Sasha.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: Sasha.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: Are you nervous?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lot of look around, it's a lot of black people in here.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: I know Harlem is gentrified a little bit.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: Are you nervous?
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 22:42
  unknown: No.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: Can I ask you one question?
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever been around this many niggas before?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm from Europe, of course.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: So now we niggas, huh?
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's Trick Daddy's father.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing, sir?
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: You alright, sir?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up, let him see you on these Eddie Merley leather pants.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: Come on.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing, sir?
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: This shit, who you with?
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: Who is this right next to you?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's Nicole.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: Who was Nicole to you, sir?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: You had to look back like that's a size, bitch.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Did you look back like oh yeah, that's Nicole.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's who the fuck that is.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: Unladen.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_01: How long?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: Five months.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: Five months.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: And that's your lady, no one else.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_01: So if you love her right now, give her your phone.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: That nigga said, write the fuck back down.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: He said, I'm trying to make it to six months.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: Where we at?
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: Stand there for one second, sir.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing, sir?
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: You alright?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: What's your name, sir?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_03: David.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: David, I see your hairline is going back.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: And you got a ball spot right here.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to let you know, DJ self.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: I found your father.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: He came to the Apollo.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's hereditary.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let me go back over here.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: I feel anointing here.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing, Dominican?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: You alright?
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing, Alicia Keys?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: You look like Alicia Keyes' voice at the Super Bowl.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_01: But you look good.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: How you doing?
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_01: You got to pray.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna pray for you.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: How you two fellas doing right now?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_01: Stand up, let us see you, fellas.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_01: What's your nationality, sir?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm British.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: Is this shit?
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all look like a gay couple.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_01: Is that okay?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: Did y'all a couple?
• 24:53
  unknown: Yeah, I know.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: I feel a little suspicious in this.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: I feel a little zestiness, sir.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: You look like a Dominican trophy, sir, with that jacket on.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: You sure you're not gay, sir?
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely sure.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: And what's your name, sir?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Albert.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Albert.
• 25:21
  unknown: What did he say?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: That was really zesty.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I wanted to say.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: When you said your name, all I heard was a tornado came around a room for you.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yo.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: Albert.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all been y'all just friends?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_03: No!
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_01: God is speaking to me right now.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: Are y'all just friends?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: How long y'all been friends?
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: Ten years now.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: Ten years friends.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: And Albert, I want to ask you a question.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: And realize this ain't no more church.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: You see the congregation, let the congregation say amen.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: You've been friends with him for how long?
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: Ten years?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Ten years.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gay, Albert?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: I am.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh