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Transcript

Why Your Baby Won't Stop Crying (And What Your Nervous System Has to Do With It) · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, so if your baby feels impossible to soothe and you're starting to wonder if you're doing something wrong, I need to tell you something.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Your baby isn't the problem.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system is sending signals that are making it harder for them to calm down.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I can prove that to you today.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: In the next few minutes, I'm gonna show you why all the sleep training, the soothing techniques, and those parenting scripts haven't worked.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the one thing that you can change that will help your baby settle faster, sleep better, and feel safer with you.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll give you something that you can practice tonight that will make an immense difference.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so maybe your baby cries in the car seat every single time.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there are meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Naps that won't happen, bedtime that turns into total battle.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you've tried everything.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: You've read the books, you've followed the routines, you've used the right words, you've bounced, you've rocked, you've shushed, you've swaddled.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it works.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time it doesn't.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the worst part, you start to believe that something is wrong.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your baby is just difficult.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're not cut out for this.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe other moms have some magic touch that you're missing.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because every cry feels like an accusation, doesn't it?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And every failed attempt to soothe them feels like proof that you're failing.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Your body tenses up the moment they start fussing because you know what's coming and you don't know how to stop it.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And the impact of this, you are so exhausted.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're second-guessing everything.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And you are starting to dread the very moments that are supposed to feel connecting.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Kate Kripke, a licensed therapist and coach and maternal mental health specialist.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And for over 20 years, I've supported more than 6,000 mothers and their babies, many of whom were convinced that their baby or young child was impossible to soothe.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I discovered.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: In almost every case, the baby or young child wasn't the problem.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: The missing piece was something called co-regulation.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is how babies borrow their mother's nervous system to find calm.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Once the mom learned to regulate herself first, the baby's behavior changed within days.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So let me walk you through five reasons that your baby won't settle and why this has everything to do with your nervous system, not your parenting skills.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And by the end, you will know exactly what to do differently, starting tonight.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so here's the first thing I want you to know.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your baby is reading your body, not your words.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Babies don't respond to what you say.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: They don't even respond primarily to what you do, they respond to your physiological state, your heart rate, your breath pattern, your muscle tension.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: When your nervous system is activated and anxious, your baby picks up on these signals in your body and mirrors it.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: They can't calm down because you're broadcasting danger.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what no one tells you: your baby does not need perfect soothing techniques.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: They need a regulated nervous system to borrow from.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I have watched this happen hundreds of times.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: A mom comes in, baby's screaming, her shoulders are up by her ears, her breath is shallow, her whole body is tight with tension.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I have been there so many times myself.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: She's doing all the right things.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: She's bouncing, she's using a calm voice.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: But if her baby can't settle, why is that?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because babies don't respond to performance.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: They respond to your internal state.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Think of your nervous system like a radio station your baby is tuned into.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you're broadcasting on the threat frequency, heart racing, breath short, body tense, that's what your baby receives.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: They can't change the situation.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: They need you to switch to the safety frequency first.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then they can tune in and calm down.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: So next time your baby is fussing, pause.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Check your own body first.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Are your shoulders tense?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is your jaw clenched?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is your breathing shallow?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Your baby is responding to those signals before they ever respond to your soothing attempts.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this explains every failed soothing attempt you have ever had.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the second important point.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to fix them when you need to regulate yourself.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: When your baby cries, your nervous system goes into threat mode.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Heart races, panic sets in, urgency usually takes over.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And in that state, you're trying to make the crying stop so that you can feel better, so that you can feel safe again.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But babies can feel that desperation.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: That urgency signals to them that something is actually wrong, which makes them cry even harder.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're not soothing your baby.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to soothe yourself by fixing them.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And they can feel the difference.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I worked with a mom, let's call her Lisa, whose baby escalated every single time she tried to comfort her at night.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Lisa would get more and more frantic, nursing, rocking, walking, white noise.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, everything.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And nothing worked.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: When we slowed it down, she realized her own panic was ramping up every second her baby cried.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Her baby wasn't reacting to sleep deprivation.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: She was reacting to panic.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine trying to calm someone down while you're having a panic attack.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Your words say it's okay, but your body is screaming, emergency.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: No one feels safe in that energy.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: So before your next soothing attempt, ask yourself, am I doing this to help my baby regulate or to stop my own discomfort?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: If it's the second one, just pause for a moment.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Take three slow breaths where your exhale is just a beat longer than your inhale.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Settle your nervous system first.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: This breath pattern, by the way, very quickly shifts your nervous system from fight, flight, and freeze to rest and digest.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Then approach your baby from that rounded place.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And here's where the science becomes very clear.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Third thing, co-regulation is the missing piece.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is what happens when you calm your own nervous system first.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that during mother-child interactions, your baby's physiological response, all those responses, again, their heart rate, their breath, their muscle tone, all of that synchronizes with yours.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: When you activate, they activate, but when you calm, they borrow that calm.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system is your baby's first classroom for emotion regulation.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your calm becomes their calm.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your steadiness becomes their safety.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't parenting advice, it's neuroscience.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Study after study shows the same pattern.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: When a mother's nervous system is regulated, even if her baby is upset, the baby's distress decreases faster.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: When a mom is dysregulated, distress intensifies and lasts longer.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself, when my baby cries, does my body immediately go into panic or urgency?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling physically?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do I feel desperate to make it stop?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: After failed attempts, do I feel like I'm a bad parent or something is wrong with my baby?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: If yes, you're soothing from a dysregulated state and your baby is responding to your nervous system, they're not rejecting you.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: So why is it so hard to stay calm?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is the piece that most people miss.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, before I go on, if this is helpful, go ahead and subscribe to this channel.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: I share science-backed strategies for overwhelmed moms every single week.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Tools that address the root cause, not quick fixes that don't last.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: So moving on.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the fourth thing I want you to know.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Your old fear-based beliefs are running the show here in motherhood.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: When your baby cries, it's not just uncomfortable, it activates all these old beliefs that you brought into motherhood with you.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: These might sound like, I'm not enough.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I can't let anyone down.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: If I can't fix this, I'm failing.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those beliefs send your nervous system into threat mode.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: The crying isn't the threat.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: The story attached to the crying is.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I see this constantly in high-achieving, high-performing women.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: At work, they could problem solve their way to success, but a crying baby can't be fixed.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: So their nervous system interprets this as failure.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And failure feels like danger for so many mothers.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what to stop doing.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Stop telling yourself that crying means you're failing and that your baby's distress means something really bad is happening.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Stop catastrophizing about what it means long term.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Stop comparing yourself to other moms.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And start doing this.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Separate the sensation, the sound, and the discomfort in your body from the story.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Remind yourself, my baby is communicating, not condemning me.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Notice your thoughts without buying into them.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having the thought that I'm a bad mom is very different than I'm a bad mom.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And once you understand this, the practice becomes so obvious and you can start tonight.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So finally, here's the co-regulation practice that you can do right away.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight you're going to regulate yourself first so that your baby can borrow your comm.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you'll likely see changes immediately.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: This works because you're addressing the mechanism of co-regulation.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying a new technique.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're becoming the regulated presence that your baby needs.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think of yourself as an anchor in a storm.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your baby is a small boat in big waves.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: These big waves are their emotions.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: If the anchor is thrashing around in the water, the boat stays chaotic.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: If the anchor is steady and grounded, the boat actually settles.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can't control the waves, but you can be steady.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the regulate first protocol.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: When your baby starts crying, pause for five seconds before doing anything.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Feel your feet on the floor.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Place one hand over your chest, over your heart, and take three slow breaths.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Inhale for four, exhale for five or six.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Little bit of a longer exhale.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Say to yourself, my baby is communicating and I am safe.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: We are safe.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Drop your shoulders, unclench your dot jaw, soften your belly, and then approach your baby from that regulated state.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Pick them up, make eye contact, use a soothing voice.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: But do it from calm, not from urgency.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: This works because you're changing the signal your nervous system is broadcasting.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Your baby receives worse safe through your steady heartbeat, your relaxed muscles, and your calm breathing.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Their nervous system literally synchronizes with yours.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: You might not see instant silence, but you will notice that they settle faster, they cry less intensely, they respond better to your soothing.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, their nervous system learns to regulate more quickly because they're practicing with a regulated co-regulator.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Try this for 24 hours and notice how quickly they come, how you feel during and after, how your body responds to crying.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Most moms report noticeable changes within 48 hours.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Your baby isn't difficult, and you are not a bad mom.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: You just need to understand co-regulation, that your nervous system is your most powerful soothing tool.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: When you regulate first, everything changes.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if this resonated, go ahead and subscribe for more science backed attachment based tools that actually work.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe forward this along to another mom out there who you know could use this insight and guidance.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want personalized support, I have a link for an assessment call below where we can look at what's specifically keeping your nervous system stuck.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing better than you think, and you've got this.