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Different Ways That Hurting Girls Express, “What About Me!” · Raising Daughters

0:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Raising Daughters, the podcast that helps parents learn
0:07
Speaker 1: the best ways to support their daughters as they navigate
0:09
Speaker 1: the high levels of stress, anxiety, pressure, and uncertainties so
0:13
Speaker 1: pervasive in our culture today. Doctor Tim Jordan is a
0:16
Speaker 1: developmental and behavioral pediatrician who has specialized in counseling girls
0:20
Speaker 1: for over thirty years and shed's light on the realities
0:23
Speaker 1: of today's young women in all facets of their lives.
0:26
Speaker 1: This is your opportunity to learn how to better support
0:29
Speaker 1: your daughters, making them feel safe, secure, and truly loved
0:33
Speaker 1: in the midst of life's ups and downs. Here is
0:35
Speaker 1: your host, Doctor Tim.
0:44
Speaker 2: Hello friends, doctor Tim Jordan here, and I appreciate you
0:49
Speaker 2: stopping by here to listen in to some words and
0:53
Speaker 2: some thoughts about girls and about raising daughters today, or
0:58
Speaker 2: if you're a teacher, about working with girls in a classroom,
1:02
Speaker 2: no matter what your job or your title is. I
1:05
Speaker 2: think a lot of us want to do a better
1:08
Speaker 2: job of supporting our girls, whether they be your students,
1:12
Speaker 2: your daughter, whatever. And I hear a lot of stories
1:16
Speaker 2: from girls in my counseling practice, where I counsel girls
1:20
Speaker 2: grade school through college through my weekend retreats and my
1:24
Speaker 2: summer camps where I sit in circles and listen to
1:27
Speaker 2: their stories, listen to their adversities, listen to them talk
1:31
Speaker 2: about what's going on for them in their lives and
1:34
Speaker 2: their needs ways they need to be supported also in
1:38
Speaker 2: our school program. So I thought today I would offer
1:42
Speaker 2: you a topic. I think the title of this podcast
1:47
Speaker 2: is probably going to be different ways that hurting girls
1:50
Speaker 2: express what about me? And the reason this topic is
1:55
Speaker 2: so important is because a lot of girls have a
1:57
Speaker 2: hard time expressing their needs to their parents, to their friends,
2:03
Speaker 2: and to each other and to themselves. There's a lot
2:07
Speaker 2: of reasons for that. I'm gonna talk about some of
2:08
Speaker 2: those as we move along this podcast, so stick with it.
2:12
Speaker 2: I'm gonna start by telling you some stories of five
2:16
Speaker 2: real life girls who I've met and worked with in
2:19
Speaker 2: the last year, and I will change their names so
2:24
Speaker 2: that they're anonymous, but their stories are real, and what
2:27
Speaker 2: they say and the quotes I'm going to talk about
2:29
Speaker 2: in this podcast are true. This is exactly what they
2:32
Speaker 2: told me. Because I want you guys to get in
2:35
Speaker 2: their shoes for a moment, and I want you to
2:38
Speaker 2: be more sensitive to their needs even if they don't
2:42
Speaker 2: ask for what they need right say hurting in this
2:48
Speaker 2: podcast girls who are hurting. What I mean is girls
2:50
Speaker 2: who are not getting their needs met for a variety
2:54
Speaker 2: of reasons. For instance, seven year old Sophia. Sofia has
3:01
Speaker 2: a little two year old sister who is just a normal,
3:03
Speaker 2: regular old two year old. She's kind of a loud,
3:06
Speaker 2: active two year old, and so her both her parents
3:09
Speaker 2: work full time jobs, and so when they get home, Sofia,
3:15
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. Sofia's sister obviously has needs. She's two. She's
3:20
Speaker 2: got to be diapered and fed, and she's got to
3:23
Speaker 2: be held, and she cries and she can't talk. So
3:26
Speaker 2: you know, there's a lot of needs you have when
3:27
Speaker 2: you're parenting a two year old and seven year old.
3:31
Speaker 2: Sophia was always a very mature, independent girl, and so
3:35
Speaker 2: for the past two years she's been kind of watching
3:38
Speaker 2: this two year old kind of usurp her, kind of
3:41
Speaker 2: dethrone her in a sense, and she hasn't said much
3:45
Speaker 2: because her parents always seem to be kind of stressed
3:47
Speaker 2: out to her because they are working two full time
3:50
Speaker 2: jobs and also taking care of two kids, especially a
3:54
Speaker 2: little two year old, and so Sofia has just kind
3:58
Speaker 2: of stuffed her feelings. She didn't really have the vocabulary,
4:02
Speaker 2: didn't know how to bring up the fact that she
4:05
Speaker 2: also has some needs that she wants to have met.
4:07
Speaker 2: She wants to have some special time with her parents
4:09
Speaker 2: like her sister is getting every day. And so what
4:13
Speaker 2: she does is she stuffs her feelings and it's been
4:15
Speaker 2: coming out as little, little anger kind of things, little
4:20
Speaker 2: power struggles. And then three times in the past month,
4:27
Speaker 2: she's run away from home. That's why her mom brought
4:30
Speaker 2: her in to see me, because she didn't know what
4:33
Speaker 2: to do. She didn't know why Sophia was running away
4:36
Speaker 2: from home. And what Sophia told me when I was
4:40
Speaker 2: talking to her alone was how she felt because her
4:44
Speaker 2: sister was getting so much energy, so much attention, so
4:46
Speaker 2: much time. And these are her words. She said, I
4:50
Speaker 2: feel sad a lot, and I feel hurt, and I
4:53
Speaker 2: also feel angry. And so I mirrored that back to her,
4:58
Speaker 2: and I said, that makes sense to me why you
4:59
Speaker 2: might feel of those things. Your parents are spending a
5:02
Speaker 2: lot of time with your two year old sister, It
5:04
Speaker 2: makes sense why you may feel left out. I said,
5:07
Speaker 2: why did you run away three times? And Sophia told
5:11
Speaker 2: me I just thought that if I ran away, maybe
5:15
Speaker 2: then my parents would love me more. That's an exact quote.
5:22
Speaker 2: So what she was saying with her behaviors was what
5:25
Speaker 2: about me. I'm doing fine, I'm an independent, competent kid,
5:30
Speaker 2: but I have regular old kind of seven year old
5:32
Speaker 2: needs as well that aren't being met. So when I
5:36
Speaker 2: really relaid that to her mom with Sophia at present,
5:39
Speaker 2: she told me I could Her mom started crying because
5:43
Speaker 2: her mom had been feeling guilty about not having enough
5:46
Speaker 2: time for Sophia and it and now it was kind
5:50
Speaker 2: of out in the open. So then we had a
5:52
Speaker 2: conversation about how she could support her daughter, which I'll
5:55
Speaker 2: talk about later in this podcast. Another girl, who I
6:01
Speaker 2: will call Ava. Ava was in early high school and
6:06
Speaker 2: she had moved three times in the past three or
6:09
Speaker 2: four years due to her mom's illnesses. The last move
6:15
Speaker 2: was to Oregon, and was she in the move before
6:19
Speaker 2: that had landed them the family on the East coast,
6:24
Speaker 2: and so the kids weren't really asked is this okay.
6:29
Speaker 2: They just did it because their mom had some health issues.
6:33
Speaker 2: Now it's not just the health issues that are going
6:35
Speaker 2: on with her mom, by the way, because Ava told
6:38
Speaker 2: me her mom also when she is around, is kind
6:41
Speaker 2: of depressed. It doesn't have much energy. It's not just
6:46
Speaker 2: sort of physical illnesses. It's also that she's trying to
6:49
Speaker 2: emotionally shut down and not emotionally available. So Ava feels
6:57
Speaker 2: a little bit left out and neglected. And the reason
7:02
Speaker 2: I was seeing her, or the reason I was talking
7:04
Speaker 2: to her about this, was that at one of my retreats,
7:06
Speaker 2: she talked about how her her parents had told her
7:10
Speaker 2: that they are planning on moving at the end of
7:13
Speaker 2: the summer to another state about halfway across the country,
7:19
Speaker 2: and Ava is just starting high school. She had been
7:22
Speaker 2: so looking forward to it. She had been in this
7:24
Speaker 2: present place for about a year and a half, and
7:27
Speaker 2: so for the past month or so, Ava had been
7:30
Speaker 2: lashing out. She felt depressed, She felt anxious about the
7:36
Speaker 2: new place. Am I going to make friends again? She
7:38
Speaker 2: felt angry, and her lashing out, and what her anger
7:45
Speaker 2: and also her anxiety and depression were saying, if they
7:49
Speaker 2: had words, was what about what I want? I'm tired
7:54
Speaker 2: of it always being about what mom wants and what
7:56
Speaker 2: mom needs. I have needs to So in our retreat,
8:05
Speaker 2: I mirrored her back. I kept saying, is there anything
8:09
Speaker 2: else about that, and she kept having more and more
8:11
Speaker 2: because she'd been holding on to all these emotions and
8:14
Speaker 2: thoughts as well, because when she had tried to bring
8:17
Speaker 2: it up to her mom and dad, they kind of
8:19
Speaker 2: dismissed it, like, it'll be fine, you'll make friends, you
8:23
Speaker 2: made friends in the last place, et cetera, et cetera.
8:26
Speaker 2: And so she felt like, you don't get it. You're
8:28
Speaker 2: not hearing me. What about me? Another girl, Ja Keayla.
8:37
Speaker 2: Ja Keayla is in middle high school and she had
8:43
Speaker 2: grown up with an older sister and a younger sister.
8:47
Speaker 2: The older sister had struggled with addiction issues starting in
8:51
Speaker 2: about seventh grade, vaping, drinking started with pot, had gone
8:56
Speaker 2: on to harder drugs, a lot of boys, and also
9:01
Speaker 2: a lot of acting out and a lot of anger.
9:04
Speaker 2: Her parents would find pot in her room, they'd throw
9:06
Speaker 2: it away, her sister would get mad, she would go
9:09
Speaker 2: through withdrawal symptoms, and there was a lot of anger,
9:11
Speaker 2: to the point where two times in the past year
9:15
Speaker 2: in jo Kala's home, the parents had called the police
9:18
Speaker 2: because her sister had gotten so out of control. The
9:21
Speaker 2: parents didn't know what to do, so the whole house
9:25
Speaker 2: was walking on eggshells, afraid to tick her sister off,
9:29
Speaker 2: afraid to trigger her. Her parents were stressed out about
9:32
Speaker 2: all of this. They sent her to two inpatient rehab
9:36
Speaker 2: places for like, I think six weeks or eight weeks
9:38
Speaker 2: each time, which was very expensive, which also caused more
9:41
Speaker 2: stress on the family, and none of it had really
9:44
Speaker 2: helped very much. Now, Jakayla, being a sixteen year old girl,
9:51
Speaker 2: had needs as well, but she didn't bring it up.
9:56
Speaker 2: She didn't ask her parents for what she needed or
9:59
Speaker 2: what she wanted. She didn't ask for parents for the
10:02
Speaker 2: kind of support that she felt like she needed because
10:04
Speaker 2: she was worried that she did, she would put her
10:08
Speaker 2: parents over the edge, meaning they're so stressed out, one
10:12
Speaker 2: more thing in their plate would just topple them over. Now,
10:17
Speaker 2: Jakayla was very independent. She had grown up really fast,
10:21
Speaker 2: taking care of herself and her younger sister loved because
10:23
Speaker 2: her parents were so distracted with the older sibling. So
10:28
Speaker 2: that was one gift from all this. She's also the
10:31
Speaker 2: kind of kid who's always there for all of her friends.
10:35
Speaker 2: They would call her in the middle of the night
10:36
Speaker 2: and she would always answer. She was like their therapist.
10:41
Speaker 2: She said, my friends call me mom, they call me therapists.
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Speaker 2: But she wished that her friends would be there for
10:47
Speaker 2: her as well, and she felt like they weren't. It
10:50
Speaker 2: wasn't reciprocal. But Jakela has a really hard time asking
10:57
Speaker 2: for help, asking for support, and eving help and support
11:02
Speaker 2: because she's been so independent. That's kind of become her
11:06
Speaker 2: persona like she's got she doesn't need anything. She's got handled.
11:11
Speaker 2: I'm fine. That's her favorite expression. By the way, in
11:13
Speaker 2: the office she said, I'm fine, no big deal. I
11:16
Speaker 2: always have to say to her, it's not fine, it's
11:21
Speaker 2: not okay. It's not okay for you to not get
11:25
Speaker 2: your needs met. And I think what ja Kayla was
11:30
Speaker 2: saying in the office, besides the fact that her friends
11:33
Speaker 2: weren't there for her, and also because she had a
11:36
Speaker 2: lot of anxiety and had started having panic attacks, that's
11:40
Speaker 2: one of the reasons why I started seeing her. I
11:44
Speaker 2: think all of that emotion coming out of her, all
11:47
Speaker 2: the anxiety. I think if it had words, I think
11:50
Speaker 2: what it would be saying is what about me? And
11:53
Speaker 2: what about my needs? I need support too? Again, I
12:02
Speaker 2: need support too. And I think sometimes when parents have
12:07
Speaker 2: a independent minded a kid like Chequila who takes care
12:11
Speaker 2: of herself. She gets good grades in school and doesn't
12:14
Speaker 2: really ask for much. I think parents look at her
12:17
Speaker 2: and they say, she's fine. We need to put out
12:19
Speaker 2: the fires over here with this older kid. So in
12:23
Speaker 2: one sense, it did force her to grow up. She
12:28
Speaker 2: learned how to take care of herself. But on the
12:29
Speaker 2: other hand, she does have needs. On the other hand,
12:34
Speaker 2: she needs to be parented again. I'll talk at the
12:38
Speaker 2: end of the podcast about how to approach kids when
12:42
Speaker 2: they are doing what ja Quela was doing. And Sophia
12:45
Speaker 2: and Ava, let me give you two more stories. Ceci's
12:51
Speaker 2: parents got separated about three months ago, and they were
12:56
Speaker 2: in the process of meeting with lawyers and going to
13:00
Speaker 2: a divorce process dividing things up already, it was a
13:03
Speaker 2: quick process up to that point, and CC had been
13:07
Speaker 2: going back and forth between the two homes, and she
13:09
Speaker 2: had always felt closer to her her mom. Her dad
13:14
Speaker 2: worked a lot, was gone a lot, but she but
13:18
Speaker 2: she also wanted to see her dad, and so it'd
13:21
Speaker 2: been kind of fifty to fifty ish, maybe sixty seventy
13:25
Speaker 2: percent mom, thirty percent dad. And then one time she
13:30
Speaker 2: went to her dad's for the weekend and she discovered
13:36
Speaker 2: that her dad was dating a woman. And she discovered
13:40
Speaker 2: this when she found lipstick and a bra at her
13:43
Speaker 2: dad's house from his new girlfriend, and it threw her
13:48
Speaker 2: for a loop. She was so upset, That's why she
13:53
Speaker 2: came in to see me, because not only was she upset,
13:57
Speaker 2: she was refusing to go to her dad's house, and
14:03
Speaker 2: she was angry. She was really snarky with her dad,
14:05
Speaker 2: didn't want to talk to him. He was upset. Mom
14:10
Speaker 2: was upset because the dad was upset with with CC,
14:14
Speaker 2: so he took it out on the mom, which is
14:16
Speaker 2: something he had done many times before. So now CC
14:19
Speaker 2: was in the middle of another parent argument, so you know,
14:24
Speaker 2: the stuff had hit the fan, if you will, and
14:27
Speaker 2: her anger, her refusal to go to her dad's house.
14:31
Speaker 2: I think if those actions had words, it would be
14:34
Speaker 2: saying this. And by the way, these are exact quotes
14:38
Speaker 2: from CC. None of this was my choice. I did
14:42
Speaker 2: not choose for them to separate. I did not choose
14:44
Speaker 2: for them to go through this divorce process thing. I
14:48
Speaker 2: want a sense of control. What about me and what
14:51
Speaker 2: about what I want and what I need. I'm not
15:00
Speaker 2: ready for my dad dating. I mean, I still have
15:03
Speaker 2: some fantasies about them getting back together, and now this
15:07
Speaker 2: is making it seem like it's more final, and that
15:09
Speaker 2: that hit me kind of in the gut. I think
15:13
Speaker 2: after talking with CEC, I think that sense of control
15:16
Speaker 2: thing was huge for her, as it is for many
15:18
Speaker 2: kids who are going through separations and divorces, and I
15:22
Speaker 2: think her parents when she when she talked about this
15:26
Speaker 2: with her dad, her dad kind of dismissed it by saying, hey,
15:30
Speaker 2: we're gaining divorce. If I want to date somebody, I
15:33
Speaker 2: will date somebody, and your mom may as well. And
15:36
Speaker 2: even though that may be true, that is not what
15:39
Speaker 2: CC needed to hear from her dad. What she needed
15:41
Speaker 2: to hear from her dad was nothing other than empathetic,
15:45
Speaker 2: non judgmental listening. She just needed to be heard. Last
15:52
Speaker 2: Girl Taylor. Taylor lives with her mom and her dad
15:59
Speaker 2: has been am i A from her life for years.
16:01
Speaker 2: He just doesn't show up. He lives in a different
16:04
Speaker 2: town and doesn't call, or he'll call and say, hey,
16:08
Speaker 2: let's do something this weekend, then never calls back. So
16:11
Speaker 2: she's been really reliant on her mom her whole life
16:14
Speaker 2: to take care of her. And she's close to her mom.
16:17
Speaker 2: She's told me one time that her mom is their
16:19
Speaker 2: best friend. Now this is her mom. I got a
16:24
Speaker 2: job where she travels a lot, and sometimes she's gone
16:27
Speaker 2: for weeks at a time, and she's left Taylor at
16:31
Speaker 2: home by herself with very little supervision except when her
16:34
Speaker 2: grandfather comes over sometimes to check on her. Occasionally the
16:38
Speaker 2: grandpa will come over and spend the night, but most
16:40
Speaker 2: of the time, Taylor's on her own. She's a junior
16:42
Speaker 2: in high school. She was a star athlete and in
16:49
Speaker 2: the last year she quit all of her sports because
16:53
Speaker 2: she was working two jobs after school and on the
16:56
Speaker 2: weekends in order for her to take care of herself.
17:00
Speaker 2: She was buying her own groceries, she was buying her
17:04
Speaker 2: own clothes. She was doing all that for herself, taking
17:07
Speaker 2: care of her, taking care of the house. Now, Taylor
17:11
Speaker 2: loves her mom, and she said it's hard to complain
17:14
Speaker 2: to her because I see my mom is working so hard,
17:20
Speaker 2: and so she kind of stuffs it and just kind
17:21
Speaker 2: of puts her head down and she's grinding it out.
17:25
Speaker 2: She's about to start her senior in high school and
17:27
Speaker 2: she's grinding, grinding, and she's become stressed out and she
17:30
Speaker 2: started developing stomach pains and stomach aches. She was seen
17:35
Speaker 2: by a doctor who said, there's nothing wrong with her stomach.
17:37
Speaker 2: It's stress. It's totally stress. She was sharing all this
17:45
Speaker 2: at one of my retreats and then she started crying,
17:47
Speaker 2: and she cried, and she cried and she cried. She's
17:52
Speaker 2: been holding it in, trying to be strong for her
17:54
Speaker 2: mom because she so respects her mom and what her
17:57
Speaker 2: mom is doing to support her and raise her on
18:00
Speaker 2: her own. And if Taylor's tears and if her emotions
18:05
Speaker 2: and at her stomach, if you will could speak, this
18:10
Speaker 2: is what it would say. And these are the words
18:12
Speaker 2: she said to me. I love my mom, but I
18:17
Speaker 2: need you to help me pay for groceries. I need
18:20
Speaker 2: more support. I appreciate how hard you work. I appreciate
18:25
Speaker 2: you everything you do for me, but what about me?
18:28
Speaker 2: It's too much. I need more support. And actually, after
18:35
Speaker 2: the retreat, she did talk to her mom and and
18:38
Speaker 2: I sit down with her, and her mom listened, Thank goodness,
18:41
Speaker 2: and her mom started crying and she said, no, it's
18:44
Speaker 2: hard for you. And so her mom arranged for their
18:48
Speaker 2: grandpa to come over a lot more. She also started
18:50
Speaker 2: giving her money for groceries and all her and took
18:53
Speaker 2: pay for clothes and things that she needed. But it
18:58
Speaker 2: was really hard for Taylor to say that because because
19:01
Speaker 2: she was worried about her mom to the point that
19:04
Speaker 2: she put her needs aside. Now, I think in this
19:08
Speaker 2: culture today there is still a lot of quote unquote
19:13
Speaker 2: good girl conditioning going on. Good girl conditioning meaning what
19:17
Speaker 2: are girls absorbing from the culture about how they should be?
19:21
Speaker 2: What kind of girls should you be? And a couple
19:23
Speaker 2: of the things that girls absorb is is that good
19:27
Speaker 2: girls are selfless. Good girls wait their turn, they're passive,
19:34
Speaker 2: they don't make waves. Good girls put other people's knees
19:39
Speaker 2: before their own. There's even a lot of good girl
19:42
Speaker 2: mixed messages such as, I want you to learn to
19:45
Speaker 2: take care of yourself, but put other people's needs first.
19:51
Speaker 2: I think all the girls who I mentioned in the
19:53
Speaker 2: first part of this podcast had that going on as well,
19:58
Speaker 2: and because they were so sensitive to their parents and
20:00
Speaker 2: their parents' needs, that kind of took center stage and
20:04
Speaker 2: so their needs were pushed aside. So what can parents do?
20:11
Speaker 2: I bet you a lot of you listening to this
20:13
Speaker 2: podcast have certain times in your life, certain stresses where
20:18
Speaker 2: it's hard to be there for your kids, or you
20:20
Speaker 2: may have you may have somebody in the house who
20:23
Speaker 2: is the squeaky wheel, and maybe one of the other
20:25
Speaker 2: kids doesn't get as much time and attention because they're fine,
20:29
Speaker 2: quote unquote, And a lot of times kids will go
20:33
Speaker 2: to their parents and try and express what they're feeling
20:37
Speaker 2: in but trying to express the what about me kind
20:40
Speaker 2: of thing. Now, they may do it with the behaviors
20:42
Speaker 2: as I mentioned above, but if they come to you
20:47
Speaker 2: and they're upset and they say things like, you know,
20:50
Speaker 2: my sister gets all the attention, don't you love me?
20:52
Speaker 2: Or you love her more? I would always listen. I
20:58
Speaker 2: would drop all of your your own opinions. I would
21:02
Speaker 2: drop the whole that's not true. I love all of
21:04
Speaker 2: you equally. I would drop all of that in that
21:06
Speaker 2: moment and just mirror her feelings, just for a moment,
21:11
Speaker 2: get in her shoes and walk around in them, and
21:13
Speaker 2: then validate her and let her know I'm so glad
21:17
Speaker 2: you told me. It makes sense why you might feel
21:20
Speaker 2: that way that we love your sister more or or
21:23
Speaker 2: your brother Moore, we haven't spend a lot of time
21:25
Speaker 2: with her because of her issues. You're right, we do
21:29
Speaker 2: spend a lot of time with the two year old
21:32
Speaker 2: because she's too and she has a lot of needs,
21:34
Speaker 2: with the diaper, all those things. I get it, you're
21:36
Speaker 2: you know what. I'm so glad you told me it's
21:40
Speaker 2: not good for you to hold those things in. I
21:42
Speaker 2: want you always to be able to come to me
21:43
Speaker 2: and let me know what you need. Even if I'm
21:46
Speaker 2: stressed out, you can still come to me. I would
21:50
Speaker 2: never diminish their feelings and their thoughts. I would never
21:54
Speaker 2: tell them that they're being too sensitive or too dramatic.
21:58
Speaker 2: I wouldn't start to reassure them that it'll get better.
22:02
Speaker 2: I wouldn't lecture them about all the needs that their
22:04
Speaker 2: sibling has. That kind of thing, and especially don't end
22:09
Speaker 2: up turning it around and making it about you. I
22:12
Speaker 2: cannot tell you how many girls I've had my counseling
22:14
Speaker 2: practice and my support groups and my camps, et cetera,
22:18
Speaker 2: who when they've gone to their parents, especially their moms,
22:21
Speaker 2: with these kinds of concerns, when the mom turns it
22:24
Speaker 2: around and says, really, you think you've got a bad
22:27
Speaker 2: how do you think I feel? I work all day,
22:30
Speaker 2: I work two jobs. And then they go off and
22:32
Speaker 2: then the kid is sitting there thinking, you're not listening.
22:35
Speaker 2: This is supposed to be about me, and now once
22:37
Speaker 2: again you've turned it around it's about you. And then
22:40
Speaker 2: they stop coming because they don't get hurt, they don't
22:45
Speaker 2: get validated. And that's the last thing you want is
22:49
Speaker 2: for your darden not to come to you when they're hurting.
22:52
Speaker 2: Let her know but no matter how stressed you are,
22:56
Speaker 2: no matter how busy you are, that you're still there
22:59
Speaker 2: for her and you can give her the love and
23:01
Speaker 2: support that she needs. I would teach her to express
23:05
Speaker 2: her feelings and ask her what she wants, give her
23:09
Speaker 2: some words, teach her to say to you, I've been
23:11
Speaker 2: feeling left out lately, and I feel like you've been
23:14
Speaker 2: spending a lot of time with work or with my siblings,
23:18
Speaker 2: and I want some special time now. Can you always
23:22
Speaker 2: jump at that moment and spend a day with her?
23:25
Speaker 2: Of course not, And I tell the kids that the
23:28
Speaker 2: very thing in my office, I'll say, I'll say, do
23:30
Speaker 2: you think your parents can every time jump and immediately
23:33
Speaker 2: spend time? And they go, no, I know that's not realistic,
23:37
Speaker 2: but you've heard it, and you listen and you validate,
23:40
Speaker 2: and then you can if you are too busy in
23:42
Speaker 2: that moment, you can say I hear you, I want
23:44
Speaker 2: to spend time with you too. Makes sense. Let's look
23:47
Speaker 2: at our calendars, Let's see what that we can carve
23:49
Speaker 2: out some time together, and then brainstorm. I teach girls
23:53
Speaker 2: to be very specific about how they want their mom
23:56
Speaker 2: or dad to spend time with them, to be very
23:58
Speaker 2: specific about what kind of support that they want and
24:01
Speaker 2: they need. I had one girl in my office not
24:05
Speaker 2: too long ago, eighteen years of age, and we were
24:08
Speaker 2: talking about the needs she had for her parents, who
24:10
Speaker 2: were pretty stressed out. And she started crying when she
24:15
Speaker 2: talked about how she wished her dad would come by
24:18
Speaker 2: at nighttime and tuck her in. She had been with
24:23
Speaker 2: some friends on vacation with her friends and their family.
24:27
Speaker 2: Every night, her friend's dad would come up and tuck
24:30
Speaker 2: her his daughter in, and it made her so sad
24:33
Speaker 2: because she had never had that kind of affection from
24:35
Speaker 2: her dad. It could be something as simple as a
24:39
Speaker 2: tuck in. It can be just taking a walk after dinner.
24:43
Speaker 2: It can be taking her for breakfast or a cup
24:45
Speaker 2: of coffee before school. I would ask her what would
24:50
Speaker 2: feel good to you? What kind of support do you
24:52
Speaker 2: need so that one girl we were talking about, excuse me, Taylor,
24:58
Speaker 2: what she wanted was grocery money. That wasn't all she wanted,
25:01
Speaker 2: but but it could be something as simple as that.
25:06
Speaker 2: But teach her how to ask for it. Brainstorm how
25:10
Speaker 2: it would look. Teach her how to be specific with
25:13
Speaker 2: asking for what she wants, because someday she's gonna need
25:16
Speaker 2: to do that with her friends, she's gonna need to
25:18
Speaker 2: do it with a dating partner, and she's also going
25:20
Speaker 2: to be needed to do it with her spouse if
25:22
Speaker 2: she ever gets married. I also would encourage parents, all
25:27
Speaker 2: of you, to spend more special time with that kid
25:31
Speaker 2: without her having to ask. I want her to ask.
25:35
Speaker 2: I want her to be specific all that, and you've
25:38
Speaker 2: probably noticed there's times when one kid needs more. I
25:41
Speaker 2: would be very sensitive to who else lives in that home,
25:44
Speaker 2: who else also has some needs. I would try and
25:47
Speaker 2: carve out some time. Let her know that, no matter
25:53
Speaker 2: what's going on at home, that her needs are important too. Again,
25:58
Speaker 2: you may not be able to drop everything and spend
26:00
Speaker 2: time with her in that moment, but you can always
26:02
Speaker 2: acknowledge her needs. You can thank her for coming to
26:05
Speaker 2: you and let her know when you can spend time
26:10
Speaker 2: that good girl conditioning is so unhealthy for girls and
26:15
Speaker 2: girls especially who are sensitive to other people's feelings and needs.
26:18
Speaker 2: Those are the ones I worry about the most because
26:20
Speaker 2: they're the ones who most often suck it up and
26:23
Speaker 2: say I'm fine, no big deal, when actually, in actuality,
26:28
Speaker 2: it is a deal. It's not fine. So we've got
26:32
Speaker 2: to be aware of our kids, beware of the ones
26:35
Speaker 2: who might be more quiet. There's some kids who from
26:38
Speaker 2: the day they are born were good at getting their
26:41
Speaker 2: needs met. They're loud, they put it out there. There's
26:44
Speaker 2: other ones who are not so much. Maybe especially I
26:48
Speaker 2: would be sensitive to the needs of those kids. And
26:52
Speaker 2: again it may not be a big need let because
26:55
Speaker 2: their parents, because you're getting divorced, or because you have
26:57
Speaker 2: an older sibling within a problem. It could be something
27:01
Speaker 2: smaller than that, but still even just like Sophia with
27:04
Speaker 2: her two year old sister, it could be just that
27:07
Speaker 2: parents are busy with work. Are you traveling a lot
27:11
Speaker 2: lately with your work, Or maybe you have a parent
27:14
Speaker 2: who's sick and you're spending more time taking care of
27:16
Speaker 2: that parent leading home. It can be all kinds of
27:19
Speaker 2: things that draws you an energy away from home, away
27:24
Speaker 2: from your daughter, So just make sure that she has
27:27
Speaker 2: the ability to express it, get her feelings affirmed and validated,
27:33
Speaker 2: empathized with, and then then find ways to spend more
27:37
Speaker 2: time with her. I hope this is helpful, and I'll
27:43
Speaker 2: say it again. I see a lot of girls in
27:45
Speaker 2: my counseling practice, my retreats who feel this way. If
27:48
Speaker 2: we don't have the language, don't feel like they have
27:50
Speaker 2: permission to have needs, to express their needs and to
27:56
Speaker 2: put it out there. So teach them a better way.
28:00
Speaker 2: Teach them how to overcome that good girl conditioning. Let
28:03
Speaker 2: them know how faulty that is, unhealthy it is, so
28:06
Speaker 2: they develop more healthy patterns of taking care of themselves.
28:11
Speaker 2: I will be back here as always in a week
28:14
Speaker 2: with a brand new topic and a brand new podcast.
28:17
Speaker 2: Make sure you pass these podcasts onto your friends. I
28:19
Speaker 2: appreciate Also if you have a comment or if you
28:23
Speaker 2: have an idea for a future podcast, email my wife
28:26
Speaker 2: and at ann A n n E at d R
28:32
Speaker 2: like doctor and at d R Tim Jordan dot com
28:38
Speaker 2: and I'll put a few things. I'll put that link
28:41
Speaker 2: in my show notes, but also maybe a few other
28:44
Speaker 2: thoughts about resources that might be helpful for you. Thank you,
28:48
Speaker 2: as always for stopping by here and listening to these podcasts.
28:51
Speaker 2: I appreciate it. I appreciate that you care enough about
28:53
Speaker 2: your daughters to spend a little bit of time learning
28:56
Speaker 2: about her, learning about what's going on with her in
28:59
Speaker 2: her life these days. Thanks so much for stopping by
29:03
Speaker 2: every week. I'll be back in a week. I'll see
29:05
Speaker 2: you then.
29:13
Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Raising Daughters.
29:16
Speaker 1: Hopefully you've learned something useful about girls and young women
29:20
Speaker 1: and how to help them navigate the pressures, challenges, and
29:22
Speaker 1: opportunities of modern life. If you want to become a
29:25
Speaker 1: more effective parent, keep listening to the show at doctor
29:28
Speaker 1: Tim Jordan dot com and let the conversations shape you.
29:32
Speaker 1: Build that one of a kind connection with your daughters
29:35
Speaker 1: in the most profound and meaningful ways possible, shaping them
29:38
Speaker 1: into strong, confident women of the future. That's all for now,
29:42
Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode of Raising Daughters.