Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 209: When You Feel Like a Burden: People Pleasing and Honoring Your Needs

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209: When You Feel Like a Burden: People Pleasing and Honoring Your Needs · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Speaker 4: Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Speaker 4: My name is MaryAnn Walker, and I help recovering people-pleasers learn how to take up space without over-apologizing or feeling like a burden.
• 0:30
  Speaker 4: And today we're gonna be talking about something that came up for me this last weekend.
• 0:34
  Speaker 4: I am talking like middle of the night, exhausted, no sleep.
• 0:38
  Speaker 4: It was quite an exciting weekend.
• 0:40
  Speaker 4: So this last weekend, my twenty-one-year-old daughter, she ended up in the hospital with pneumonia.
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: And that is a story in and of itself, but since this is a podcast for recovering people-pleasers, then I wanted to share with you something that happened while I was staying with her at the hospital.
• 0:54
  Speaker 4: On her last night in the hospital, we were woken up at three thirty in the morning, and we were asked to move to another room.
• 1:02
  Speaker 4: And it wasn't because she was getting worse, but it's because we were in the pediatric unit.
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: That's where they keep the overflow at our hospital, and they had a child coming in that needed that space.
• 1:10
  Speaker 4: And so we had all of about sixty seconds in the middle of the night to grab all of our things while half asleep and disoriented, trying to not forget anything like our chargers and whatnot, find all of our socks, and then we walked down the hallway into our new unit.
• 1:24
  Speaker 4: And when we reached the new room, then the sweet nurse, she offered to grab me a pillow from across the hall so that I could get a little bit more sleep.
• 1:31
  Speaker 4: And that makes perfect sense at three thirty AM, right?
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: So one would think that my answer would be an easy yes, but instead it was like my tired brain, it seemed to just kind of jump back in time into its factory reset setting of people-pleasing.
• 1:46
  Speaker 4: I instantly started thinking about this cute nurse and everything that she was going through.
• 1:50
  Speaker 4: I was thinking how awful and how uncomfortable it must be to have to wake somebody up in the middle of the night and move them to a different room, to a different wing.
• 1:58
  Speaker 4: I was thinking about how chaotic that night must have been for her and for the other staff.
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: I was thinking about how scared that child must be being admitted in the middle of the night and wondering,"Oh, I hope they have enough time to get the room clean and ready for them.
• 2:09
  Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, there's just so much going on." And suddenly my need for a pillow, it felt like asking for too much.
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: And not only did it feel like too much, but it felt downright inappropriate to even make that request in the moment.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: So my thought after being awoken in the middle of the night and asked to change room with my sick adult child at three thirty in the morning, leaving behind the bed that I made for myself, was,"Well, I really don't wanna be an inconvenience for anyone." So I told that nurse,"No, thank you.
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: I'll just sleep in the chair.
• 2:39
  Speaker 4: It's fine." And that was that.
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: But here's the really interesting part I made that very unique set of circumstances, the fact that it was three thirty in the morning and that I had to quickly change rooms, I made that fact mean that asking for a pillow was going to be too much, that that was an inconvenience.
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: And yeah, there are also some things that I made that situation mean that were actually helpful for me in that situation.
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: For example, I made it mean that,"Oh, my daughter must be on the mend.
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: She's most likely the healthiest person in the unit right now, and therefore she's the best candidate to be moved." I was also choosing to believe that while, yes, it might be true that her high sensitivity, she's also a highly sensitive person, that her high sensitivity, it may have contributed to her rapid decline, but I was also choosing to believe that her high sensitivity was also making her more sensitive to the positive treatments that she was receiving, and that it was actually helping to make her well at an incredibly fast rate.
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: And all of those specific thoughts, they were actually very helpful for me and made me feel good.
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: And I also made it mean that having the nurse follow through on her offer to grab me a pillow in the middle of the night from across the hall, that that would be too much of an inconvenience for her, and that I would be adding to her burden.
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: But do you know what else is really inconvenient?
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: Taking your child to the emergency room at four o'clock in the morning, staying in a hospital for three days, being woken up in the middle of the night and being asked to change rooms.
• 4:01
  Speaker 4: That is also super inconvenient.
• 4:03
  Speaker 4: So here is the truth that I really had to come back to.
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: It might have been an inconvenience for her to grab me a pillow, and it could also be true that it's inconvenient for me and my daughter to be in a hospital and to be moved rooms in the middle of the night, and that getting a little bit more sleep might actually help me to serve my daughter a bit better.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: Both of those things could be true at the exact same time, and both of those experiences can be valid.
• 4:28
  Speaker 4: And honestly, this is something that I see a lot when I'm working with people pleasers.
• 4:32
  Speaker 4: We assess everybody else's needs, and then we use that assessment to invalidate our own needs, to invalidate our own lived experience.
• 4:41
  Speaker 4: So then we're thinking thoughts like,"Well, they just have more going on.
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: They need this more.
• 4:45
  Speaker 4: I don't want to be a burden.
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: Their wants and needs are just more valid than mine right now.
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: Their problems are more worthy of care and attention right now." And when we do that, we just quietly remove ourselves from the equation...
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: even when we're in the hospital.
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: But what if your needs don't magically disappear just because somebody else has a need?
• 5:06
  Speaker 4: What if it is not either or?
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: What if it is this and?
• 5:10
  Speaker 4: All right.
• 5:11
  Speaker 4: So let's kind of talk about a few more examples about how this might be showing up for you.
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: So first let's kind of talk about the overwhelmed friend.
• 5:17
  Speaker 4: Let's say that you have a friend that is just really going through it right now.
• 5:20
  Speaker 4: She's stressed.
• 5:21
  Speaker 4: She's expressed being maxed out and really needing a break.
• 5:24
  Speaker 4: And at the same time, guess what?
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: You're also really going through it.
• 5:29
  Speaker 4: You are also really in need of support.
• 5:31
  Speaker 4: But instead of using this as an opportunity to lean on each other, instead you tell yourself, well, yeah, she really has a lot on her plate right now.
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: I shouldn't bring up what I'm going through.
• 5:41
  Speaker 4: It would be inappropriate to do so.
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: And so you remain quiet and you don't get the help and the love and the support that you need.
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: But here's the truth is it can be true that they are struggling and it can also be true that you are also in need of support right now.
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: It rarely ever works out so perfectly in life and relationships that we can take turns when it comes to having a hard time, right?
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: In fact, it kind of seems like everybody gets hit right around the same time.
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: So it would be amazing and ideal if we could say, okay, this week I get to be overwhelmed and then next week you can be overwhelmed.
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: So then we can support each other.
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: Wouldn't that just be amazing?
• 6:17
  Speaker 4: But that's not how life works out.
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: And connection does not come from one person disappearing so that the other person can exist, so that the other person's needs can exist while yours disappear.
• 6:29
  Speaker 4: It can be true that you can be considerate of what your friend is going through and still share what it is that you need at the same time.
• 6:38
  Speaker 4: Okay, so now let's talk about the overwhelmed partner.
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: Let's assume that your partner's had a really long day.
• 6:43
  Speaker 4: They're tired.
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: Maybe they're stressed from work and you're thinking, okay, well, tonight's really not a good time to bring this up.
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: So you don't.
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: And then the next night, it's the same thing.
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: And it just feels like it is now never the right time to bring up this thing that's weighing on you.
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: So maybe in an effort to manage your partner's emotions, then maybe you're fixing their favorite food.
• 7:03
  Speaker 4: Maybe you're accommodating what it is that they want, the activities that they want to be doing.
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: And meanwhile, you aren't being accommodated, and your need for resolution, it keeps being silenced.
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: You are waiting for a break in their stress to express that you also have needs, but the opportunity seems to never come.
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: And eventually what happens is that that silence, it eventually turns into a resentment.
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: It can be true that your partner is stressed, and it can also be true that something matters to you and that it needs to be addressed.
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: And what a gift it can be in a relationship to actually state your needs when you have them and allow your partner the opportunity to step in and fulfill those needs.
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: And really when you think about it, when the alternative is silent resentment, it really truly is a gift to speak up and give your partner the information that they need so that you can make the relationship more sustainable for you.
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: It actually benefits both of you because if it's more sustainable for you, you're better able to also show up for them.
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: Okay, so now let's play around with the idea of the workplace.
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: Let's say you're at work and your manager is looking for somebody to take on an additional task.
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: And rather than asking yourself if you currently have the capacity to take it on right now, instead what you're doing is you're going down your list of coworkers and you're thinking about all of the reasons why they don't need the extra stress right now.
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, that coworker over there, yeah, she just got back from maternity leave, so she shouldn't do it.
• 8:27
  Speaker 4: Oh, and that one.
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: Yeah, they just broke up with their girlfriend, so yeah, they're off the list.
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: Oh, and that one, they're having car trouble, so we really shouldn't ask anything of them.
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: And oh, that one?
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: Mm.
• 8:36
  Speaker 4: Yep, they're really worried about their kid, so nope, they're off the list.
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: So you have now determined in your mind that everybody else has so much more on their plate, and you are assuming their current capacity.
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: And also in your assumptions, then you're assuming that, okay, since I have determined on my own, without them saying anything, that they're currently too maxed out, I'm now going to assume that it is my responsibility to take on this additional task.
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: And when you do that, you're actually overlooking the fact that,"Oh yeah, I actually took on the last three tasks, and I'm recovering from illness, and I can't stay any later today because I know I need to get my kid from practice." And so you're being so concerned with everybody else's capacity, it feels like you're being kind, but it's actually coming at the cost of forgetting to assess your own current capacity.
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: So yes, it can be true that your coworkers could use some support in various ways, and it can also be true that you don't currently have the time, the energy, or the capacity to take on that extra task right now, and that's okay.
• 9:34
  Speaker 4: And you know what?
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: It is possible to still be a team player at work, have compassion for your coworkers, while also honoring your own personal limits.
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: And I'm not saying don't be sensitive to other people's circumstances and their current capacity, but I am saying please, please, please stop minimizing your own capacity.
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: Your needs are valid, and it's not because they're bigger than anybody else's.
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: It's not like we have to give it all a number and say,"Okay, well, I'm gonna give everybody a score so that I can determine who has the best capacity right now." Okay?
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: You get to have needs simply because you exist.
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: You don't need to justify your needs, and you definitely do not need to minimize your needs.
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: You do not have to disappear to make room for somebody else.
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: My hope for you today is that you'll simply start offering yourself the same level of compassion that you so freely offer to other people.
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: And if somebody offers you a pillow in the middle of the night, it is probably because they have the time, the energy, and the capacity to do so.
• 10:33
  Speaker 4: So tell them thank you.
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: You'll sleep so much better.
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: All right, so this week I want you to start to notice where it is that you might be telling yourself that,"Oh no, it's not a good time to bring it up.
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: They have so much more going on than me.
• 10:45
  Speaker 4: I don't wanna be a burden." And instead, gently ask yourself,"Okay, what if both of our needs matter here?
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: How can we find a way to support each other and get both of our needs met?" Now, if this resonated with you, make sure that you're following the podcast.
• 10:59
  Speaker 4: And if you're ready to stop abandoning yourself, if you're ready to show up more fully in your life and in your relationships, I would love to support you.
• 11:07
  Speaker 5: You can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to inquire about my current availability.
• 11:12
  Speaker 5: I promise, I'll only let you know what my current capacity is, so feel free to email me and I'll see what I can do.
• 11:18
  Speaker 5: All right, well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 11:20
  Speaker 5: Bye now.