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From Awareness to Support: The Power of Advocacy · Miles Behind Miles Ahead

• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is meant to be about the journeys from life-changing setbacks to restoration.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: This journey takes on many forms and encompasses many different stories and topics, including addiction, prison, abuse, loss, illness, and other setbacks.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: The primary message is not so much the setbacks, but the personal, mental, spiritual, societal, physical, and other forms of recovery needed to emerge from these challenges with renewed hope and as better versions of ourselves.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: We will explore personal journeys and celebrate those who have waded through their own personal struggles that have come out on the other side, having not only survived, but against all odds, a better because of the journey.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is meant to be a message of hope, with the overriding theme that it is not the falls that define us, but rather the getting up.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thus the title Miles Behind, Miles Ahead.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: The music is lasting memories by Scott Holmes.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everybody.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: She uh is here to talk to us about uh about domestic violence, which is is where we're starting from.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And um and have a conversation in general about uh about domestic violence and possibly some other things may come in.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: But we're very interested in in her story and her conversation.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: So uh Miss Peebles, if you don't mind, could you tell us a little bit about yourself?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, well, good evening, everyone.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_02: And it's a pleasure of being with you this uh evening.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_02: Um and thank you so much for asking me to come out just to chat with you in a dialogue a little bit about uh domestic violence.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_02: I am Arlene Crump Peoples.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: Um I am a survivor, thank you, Jesus, of domestic violence.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: It happened when I was a young woman, but let me just back up and say, first of all, um I do have a a ministry that's called Alabasta Place Incorporated that was birthed uh from my being victorious over domestic violence, and we uh mentored and and spoke to many people that have uh gone through domestic violence, be it men or women.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and so we've been at this thing for like 21 years, and it's it's been a blessing.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: Um so much for that.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: Uh we have all kinds of trainings, uh domestic violence advocacy, just things of that nature.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_02: But uh, as I was sharing with my brother, uh we do so much more than that.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: When we first started out, our target was uh dealing with the domestic violence community uh and those who uh were in the midst of that disease, and we see it as a disease, dis-ease, if you will.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and so um, but we do know that uh there is a way of escape concerning it.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: And so that was our target to talk with uh the men uh that were the perpetrators and the women that were the victims and try to uh get them to come together on one accord to understand that no one has control over your life because we know the domestic violence is when an individual wants to take total control of another individual's life, and we know that that's not a healthy relationship.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: So uh that's pretty much uh I probably could go on and on and on, but uh I want to give you uh free course to ask me questions or whatever.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but uh I have enjoyed uh the years of um teaching domestic violence.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: We do still do domestic violence classes uh upon a request.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: We have what we call um domestic violence 101, then we have domestic violence and the church, because it is in the church, whether you want to believe it or not, it is.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: And then just what people are saying about domestic violence, how do you recognize it and things of that nature?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_02: And uh we have had classes where we have persons that want to become a domestic violence advocate to help a female, you know, get out of that unhealthy relationship safely.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_02: And so uh, but as I said, we we do a lot now.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: When I say we know that I'm speaking of Alabasta Place and the board and the volunteers that we have uh to do the work that we've been called to do for such a time as this.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Gotcha.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you very much, uh Sister Peoples.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm uh I'm excited, right?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I uh just listening to you right now, uh, I'm really excited.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: My mom was a victim of domestic violence.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um my father was extremely violent.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he was a violent to everybody, but but my mom got the brunt of it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I uh I'm gonna just start off with uh with the question.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, how prevalent would you say domestic violence is in our society?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: It's very prevalent.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: Uh it it happens every day, every hour.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: Uh someone is being abused, whether it's physically, because domestic violence is just not physical, it is emotionally, um, it's economically, it's socially, uh, it's verbally.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Uh sometimes verbally can be just as bad as uh physical, because once a person can get in your mind and distort your mind, uh then you you're still yet a victim.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: They may not ever put their hands on you, but uh it's just as prevalent.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: So whether it's physical or mental or whatever other way you want to look at it, it is prevalent today.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: Every day, someone is being abused on the hour, whether be it male or female.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: And a lot of people think that it's just female, but there are men that are abused as well.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Gotcha, gotcha.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I um is there like a democratic demographic that's most acceptable, or is it just across all groups?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: It's across the board.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, it doesn't, you know, domestic violence is no respecter of persons and it's no respecter of places.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care if you're black, white, purple, Hispanic, Jew, Gentile, it does not matter.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, it it will target whoever uh has uh low self-esteem, uh, had a it may be because of they had a a childhood of where they felt like they were black sheep of the family, but I'm here to tell you it is it's no respect of persons.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_02: It could be any anyone at any given time.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Gotcha.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Understood.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I was recently, and and you may have seen this on on local news, where two women were helping um a person who was in the midst of domestic violence.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: They were helping her move, and the perpetrator came home and killed both women.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And what I and um what I saw and what I read were um these were uh upper middle class women who had uh come to help a friend, and um, and they both were killed.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Did you see that?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And and is that something that that happens?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it does.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: And one of the things that uh we have learned and when uh there is one that is trying to prep uh make a way of escape, you know, there's protocol.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um number one, you you you get the authorities involved, not family, you know, not your BFF, not your friends, because what happens, it it causes them to be in the line of fire.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_02: Uh because the perpetrator, that's when they become more dangerous, when they realize that they are about to lose the power and control over the victim that they have victimized over the years.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_02: And so when someone intervenes, uh they become furious.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_02: And whatever they need to do to stop whoever it is uh from providing a way of escape for the victim, they would do whatever by any means necessary.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: So one of the things that you know we we make sure that we train those and help them to understand that, you know, uh even uh family services, they have uh, and you can probably go on their website to find the safety tips.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: They're called safety tips when you're trying to make a way of escape, if you have been victimized of domestic violence.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: So there are certain precautions that you need to take.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: But one of the most important things that you make sure that you don't do is get your family or friends involved, because now their life is in jeopardy.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's why they say, you know, if a woman is being victimized, you know, uh, you must find a shelter.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: You may have to go to another country or another state or whatever, but you don't go to your family member's house, you don't go to your children's home, you don't go to your best friends, you know, because sometimes they'll go through your telephone and you know, you know, just swipe.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_02: You know, they when I say that they get furious and they will go to the extreme measures to try to find uh the victim that they have held captive for all these years.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: So it's it's it's a very tedious, uh, but yet it it must be a well-thought out plan.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um before I hear you saying a couple of things.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: One, I hear you saying um that fa well, I hear you saying more than a couple of things.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: One is that family should not be involved, because you know, as males, we want to go and get in the middle of that.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and and what I hear you saying, and what I can well imagine is that that the the end result of that is 99% of the time not going to be good.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um somebody's gonna be be killed or injured.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um the other thing is um that there's some planning involved.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I think that uh I think that we can talk a little bit more about that later, but um that there's some planning involved.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's a way that has been established to get out that might be helpful.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um and also it is as dangerous or more dangerous leaving as it in the process of leaving as it is staying.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_02: That's why I said it.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: It has to be a well-thought out plan.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_02: Um you come up with you, you know, and I don't like to put too much out uh in the atmosphere uh because you never know who's listening.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_02: You never know uh you can't give them, you can't give out one of the things that I found out with social media and just with uh uh television already all together is that sometimes we put out too much information for uh the perpetrator, we put out too too much information for uh the culprit, we put out too much information for the enemy.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: And so, but yes, there is a plan.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_02: And as I said, uh there are different agencies, you know, within the city, whether it's here in whether it's in Western Salem or the triad area, that can help you walk through the process of making a way of escape safely.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And and um just for our listening audience, because we have audience all over the country and the world, um uh this is um the municipality or the area that we're in.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're in North Carolina um and what's called the triad.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but when when if you look in the show notes, and also um at the end of this show, I will give you information for the national hotline uh via website or text or phone number.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll get that um right after um right after we close, and also that'll be in the show notes.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So um what kind of uh uh uh obstacles uh you know I I I I was talking to someone and I heard some things that really opened my eyes, right?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: People are if a lay if a if a woman is faced with having her children starving, which is real in this situation, um not having a place to stay, which is real in this situation, because like you say, there's some economic uh hostage taking um or uh as opposed to uh getting beat, uh oftentimes they're gonna take care of their children and and choose getting beat.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um and when I think of what you're saying, I understand what you're saying, and yes, that's one of the issues uh when it comes to a female staying in a abuse an abusive relationship.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, if there are children involved, um I don't have a job, you know.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: Uh this is the only place that I can live, especially if she's a female that has had the children out of wedlock, and you know, this is baby mama drama, baby daddy mama drama, whatever you call it.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: So um those are those are real issues that the female um is concerned.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: She's concerned about, you know, well, if I leave, you know, uh, where am I going?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um and if I can find a shelter, is this shelter, will this shelter take me?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_02: And will they will they allow my children to come?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: Because there are some shelters that don't, there that it's a facility that they only take in the the female.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: Um so they have to find a shelter that you know will will take the children in as well.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um but they have all kinds of dynamics going on in their mind.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_02: What if, what if, what if, you know, if I do this, or what is this gonna happen?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, or where will I end up?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, but and it's it's like um it's really I won't I was gonna say Russian roulette, but not necessarily, it's just really a leap of faith, really.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_02: Um because I've got to either make up my mind that either I'm gonna stay here and continue to be in this abusive situation, and now my children are seeing this.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_02: And so now not only am I in an unhealthy environment, my children are in this unhealthy environment.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_02: What are they gonna learn of staying in this uh environment if I have a daughter and if I have a son, and let's just say she's got two children one is a boy, one is a girl.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_02: So the girl is learning now that it's okay for a man to beat on me.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_02: The boy is learning it's okay for me to slap this woman upside the head.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: So now you're painting a picture when you stay in this situation because I don't know what I'm going to do.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_02: But sometimes we need to reverse that and say, okay, it's not all about me because I have, you know, seed, I have a son and I have a daughter, and so I want them to have a better life.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: So will they have a better life staying here, you know, in this abusive situation, or will they have a better life if I take a chance, you know, and make things better, not only for them, but it'll become it'll be better for me, but it's gonna be up to me because they are children.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, it's just weighing on me.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: And so she's having it play all of this in her mind, you know, and so sometimes it's good, you know, for her to have an advocate or someone that she can confide in to help her uh make the decisions because most of the time, you know, fear is inevitable.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: When they, you know, when we don't know what we're gonna do or where we're gonna go, you know, fear comes in and say, Oh, you you leave here and you know, you may be on the streets, you may be sleeping in the woods or in the you know, somewhere on the highway or whatever.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_02: So the enemy's always gonna paint a negative picture.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: But if you can reverse that, you know, and flip the script and say, but but what if, what if, you know, I'm a bust a move?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: What if I make the decision that uh I can do bad by myself, that I don't need to stay in this and keep my children in this.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_02: So um let me just go ahead and weigh my options and see what I can do.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, you know, and sometimes it takes someone to kind of help you kind of navigate through that.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_02: But if you don't have a person that's an advocate that can kind of help you, then she feels stuck, you know.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_02: And so sometimes it, you know, a lot of times it just takes someone else that can help you uh think different.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_02: Because most of the times their mind is stuck on the what if, but you don't know if you don't make that move, you don't know what that what if is gonna bring.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_02: So it's just a matter of uh stepping out and say, okay, you know, if I fall, I fall, but I don't think I'm gonna fall.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's a lot of times you got to speak to yourself and tell yourself, you know, like that little train said, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_02: So sometimes that's what it takes.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you can tell yourself, don't think of all the negative, begin to think of the positive and say, I want something better for my life.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_02: I know that there's got to be something better than what I am now.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm I'm I'm you know, when you with me, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't have no one to talk to me, I didn't have no one to tell me, Arlene, you were you've been abused, and you know, you need to get out.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't have anyone, you know.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_02: I had to come to that realization on my own, and I did, and with the help of the Lord, began to, you know, basically, I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired and said, you know what?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_02: I owe myself more than what I'm doing.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_02: I uh, you know, I deserve better than this, and so I say that to anyone that may be going through you deserve better uh than allowing someone to control your life, you know.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, and it's not an easy decision, but it can be done.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Man, you covered a lot right there.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it and it, I had some visceral feelings.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was in that household um um and watched my mama be severely beaten.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: And um so uh and and me.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and and I want to just add to what you said about how it affects children.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, by the grace of God, I have not been um a domestic violence perpetrator of domestic violence, but I have had, I I was a violent person because that's what I learned.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I learned that violence was the way to solve stuff, and it has cost me immensely in my life.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just to reiterate what you were saying is children in those situations are affected um in more ways than one.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and um in one of our episodes last season, a therapist said that uh the child will oftentimes emulate the behavior of the same sex person that's in that in that household.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: So so that's what the statistics say.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you it it just it it undergirds exactly what you're saying.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so uh so I'm really glad um that that we talked about that.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um so uh and there's a lot of obstacles.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I I I heard a young lady today, sister people, I heard a young lady say uh I was I was in a in a meeting with some people, and a young lady said uh, she's an older lady, and she said, uh my granddaughter and her children um are here with me and they're making a big mess, and she's in a and she's coming out of a abusive relationship, and uh, and they're getting on my nerve, and I'm trying, and I need to tell, I'm giving her two more days to get out of here.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: And uh she left before I got a chance to talk to her, but I'm thinking, um, oh my goodness, what what situation does that put?
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: I realize you got some struggles, but what situation does that put that child uh and her children in?
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: And and maybe some of that's prevalent.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_02: Some of that and and and this is her, if it's a is it's her daughter and her grandchildren.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_02: Daughter and so yeah, and so um, and that's you know, this, and if this daughter and and the grandchildren are well, the daughter's in a uh abusive relationship, you know, and they're home with uh her mom.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_02: Um, then that's I'm telling you, that's kind of like uh that's a dangerous place for her mom.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_02: Because, you know, a lot of times that's the first thing that they do.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_02: They go and look for them at a relative's home.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: And so uh so that could be putting her mom in jeopardy.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, it's sometimes, you know, it it really is it's very tedious.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, and uh as I said that um one of the things that I I'm believing and I'm hoping that the women that are in uh these unhealthy relationships uh come to the realization um and that that that this is what they're in, you know, and that you know they will make up their minds that I I've got to do, you know, it even it may it may mean you know um moving uh to another place, to another city, or whatever by any means necessary.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_02: You may not even have the funds to do that, but I'm here to tell you there are so many agencies out there that will help, you know, you uh make that move so that you can have a better life.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I think some women, it's not just because of economics, they know they don't have a job and they don't have the money, blah blah blah.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_02: But it's you know, one of the things is that there is a thing, and nobody likes to talk about this, but it's real, and it's called soul ties.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you've been with this person, um and your soul is now tied, you know.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_02: You you yearn for him.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_02: You know, one of the most dangerous things is when a woman, you know, makes her way of escape and she leaves, but that soul tie is still there.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_02: And so after she's gone for about two or three months, then here comes the honeymoon.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_02: They call it the honeymoon stage, you know, because now, oh my God, you know, he rocked my world.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_02: And then he, you know, and he thinks the same thing about him before you know it, you know, he'll start talking, oh, I miss you, baby, and you know, and she'll say, Oh, I miss you too.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, and uh, and he said, You will you forgive me?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, they go through all of this, and before you know it, bam, they're back together.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_02: And it's because of the soul ties.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_02: And so that's another reason that sometimes it's hard to let go.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but soul ties, that's real.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, gotcha.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: And and I appreciate that because you know, uh, uh I one of the statistics I heard was that that people often go back three times or I forget the exact number before they ever decide to permanently leave.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I here's where um where I think it's important that we don't blame the victim, right?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where I think it's important that we don't uh, well, hell, she was gone, why'd she go back, right?
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that that you're talking about soul ties and other things like dependency and we're hungry and we don't have a place to stay.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I think it's important that we understand that uh that nobody wakes up in the morning and wants to get beat half to death, right?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, so yeah.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so um another question.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh how well trained uh, you know, I hear different things about the police, but how well trained are they in these situations?
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes these situations are dangerous for them also.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_02: Um, I do know that uh the last I checked, that they have uh what they call SafeOn 7 uh here in in Fasyth County.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and from my understanding, they are to be well trained.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_02: They uh make sure that they understand the pros and the cons, you know, the do's and the don'ts, what to look for, uh what to listen for when they get a call, um, making sure that uh they're well equipped and that they're ready.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_02: I can't tell you what those you know preparations are, but it's my understanding that um they go through this training as well uh so that they will be able to recognize uh when they're in the midst or they receive a call, whatever, that this is because it can be very, you know, dangerous for them as well.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_02: Because as I said, you know, the perpetrator is like he goes into a whole different mindset when he feels like he's losing control.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness, it's just like while I you know, whatever I need to do, you know, yeah.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_02: Anybody getting the way, they're going down, you know.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh my mama left when my daddy was at work.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh she left and came, we were in Buffalo, New York, and she had planned that thing out and left and came to North Carolina.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: And when he got home, she was gone.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because I also understand that one of the things that they use is the isolation, right?
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: So by taking mama to Buffalo, isolate her from her family.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Is that something that happens?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_02: It that's true, because they feel like once that they can get you, you know, away from family and friends, and I got you all to myself.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: I can do whatever I want to do, you know.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_02: And unfortunately, some people, some ladies or some women fall for that.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_02: But that's one of the main things is isolation, and I can get you away from from anybody that knows anything about you.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_02: And yep, absolutely.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_02: So, and that was smart.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_02: It sounds like your mom planned that thing out, you know, and you and you don't leave no traces when you make that move.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_02: You don't leave no traces, you know, of where you're going, you know, you just you just do it.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like you said, just do it, you just do it.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_02: So praise God, she made that break.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: That was that was fifty four years ago.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: So so I have a um I was thinking about uh uh when these people get in these relationships, and you know the information I get is that you really don't know that uh that you're dealing with an abuser because they're gonna be very nice and sweet and treat you like the queen of the entire world until they know they got you.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, what are your thoughts on that?
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_02: Uh that's true.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_02: Um it's one one thing that I I say concerning women, um a man knows when you're needy.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_02: Meaning that uh you uh you're looking for love in all the wrong places.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_02: And he has that inkling that they can sense that.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_02: And so if you give off that uh air about you, oh yeah, they'll they'll chime in.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_02: And so I believe that uh females, number one, you need to learn who you are.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_02: Uh most women that end up in an abusive relationship are those who are insecure.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_02: They don't know who they are, they don't know their values, they feel like they're black sheep of the family, they feel like they don't have anything to offer, they feel like all I can do is just give you my body and blase, you know.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_02: So they you know it boils down to the fact that they really don't know how precious they are, they don't know the value.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_02: You know, uh Psalms 139 and 14, I believe it says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_02: Marvelous are his works, and your soul should know this right well.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_02: But the issue is uh a lot of females don't understand that they have been fearfully, they have been fashioned and they have been made by God.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_02: He knew what he was doing when he created you to be the queen that you are, but they don't they don't know that they're queen.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_02: They think that they're a mat or something, you know.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, but and a lot of times it's uh the environment.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_02: What kind of environment did you grow up in?
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_02: And even with that, you know, you can come out of that environment.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_02: You you know, I saw that growing up, but uh I've been doggone if I'm gonna live like that, you know, having that mindset to say, I'm not gonna uh live like this, and I'm not gonna do this, and nobody's gonna treat me this way because I'm you know, you've got to have that mindset.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, and the titus talks about the the mature women need to train up our young women, you know, and I believe that you know, as the women now that have gone through domestic violence or just have grown up and understand what life is, go back and reach and uh reach uh to us, our younger women to help them to understand.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_02: Baby, you are you are precious, you are beautiful, you you know, it doesn't matter what they said, it's what you say about yourself because if you don't learn to love yourself, and that's what some of the perpetrators recognize, you don't even love yourself.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_02: So if I can roll up on you, boo, you know, and tell you some stuff, oh yeah, it's gonna swear your head up, it's gonna take you, oh nobody's never said this to me before.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_02: No, I know I'm beautiful, you know.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_02: So you gotta tell me something good.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_02: You gotta tell me something else, baby.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_02: You know, because all of the no.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_02: So you got to know who you are and who you are so you won't fall into that trap.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and that is really, really good.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me of uh what my children and nieces say about my mother, right?
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: She was she's gonna because I believe that you it is it is a mistake to just tell women they're valuable based on how they look, right?
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because um, because then uh it is an exterior thing, and then self-esteem gets tied around that, and now I'm trying to always look a certain way.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: When uh when there are other things, right?
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're smart.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um that that movie the um The Help, right?
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: You is smart, you is intelligent, and you is kind, those kinds of things um they resonate.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm always telling my grandchildren, my granddaughters and my grandsons, things about them that are that are interior, that they can carry with them, that they don't have to depend on other people, um, other people's points of view to get their their um their self-confidence with.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I re and I absolutely second that with women who become victims.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um I can see it.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have the the knowledge or the experience or the training, but I could see that women that would become victims of domestic violence maybe haven't gotten a lot of that.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, I I agree.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I have another question.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um let me say something to that as well about not knowing who you are.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_02: I also want to say that unfortunately, where we are now uh with social media, um uh dictating to many of our young girls, you know, this is the way you need to look a certain way, you know.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_02: And so they're saying now if you don't have all the extensions, if you're not 36, 24, 36, and you know, if you you know uh light-skinned it, you know, or they they have just put such uh a lie out there and making cause not making but causing these uh young girls and some older as well, you know, that if you don't look a certain way, you don't fit the part.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_02: And that's just a lie straight from the pits of hell.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_02: So it takes me back to um a lot of times they're depending on social media to make you know to help them to well, maybe I need to do this and I need to do that, but it all stems back to you knowing uh who you really are.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: What uh so I'm just thinking about um what when do you recognize that you're in an abusive relationship?
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: When do you say hell no?
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no, no.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: When do you say that?
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you have the wherewithal, when do you say that?
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I don't know about anyone else, but with me, uh it's it's all I can describe is it's like a light bulb went off in my head.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_02: Uh he was the father of my children.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_02: I had two daughters, and he was the father.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_02: Um and we, you know, I don't I don't care what I did, it was not good enough for him.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_02: I basically was so wrapped up in him uh that I just lost myself.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, but even in the midst of that, you know, I began to find out how he was being unfaithful, you know, messing with my people in my family and my cousins, and you know, and we broke up and I began to date someone else, and that's the straw that broke the camel's back.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: Because he, when he found out that that uh someone was interested in me, uh that's when I really saw a different side of him come out, and I thought, oh my goodness.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know that I he was controlling over the years that we, you know, had two daughters, but that's when I realized that um, okay, Arlene you you are in the midst of something here that's not good.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_02: And um I will say this that he would dictate to me all the time, and he, these are the words that he would say, and I began to believe because a person can say something, especially when you don't know who you are.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_02: And because I did not know who I was, and trying to always please other people versus trying to find out who I was, and he knew this, he would always say, You're fat, black, and ugly, and nobody is gonna ever want you.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_02: You're fat, you're black, and you're ugly, and nobody's gonna ever want you.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_02: And I heard that so much that I began to think I would look in the mirror and say, You are fat, you black, you ugly.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_02: Don't nobody else want you for him.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so it was a mental thing.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_02: It was that's why I say abuse is not just physical, it can become mental.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_02: And so not only was I being abused physically, but mentally as well.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_02: And um, but when I was beaten in the alley and left for dead, I knew then enough is enough.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_02: I made up my mind that this is it, and um, of course, made my way of escape.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_02: Um, you know, it was it was a journey, but uh, like I said, it was just a light bulb that went off in my head and says, Arlene, what are you doing?
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_02: You deserve better than this.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_02: And so I heard that voice.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_02: I believe it was the voice of God, uh, even though I wasn't serving him then, but I knew that that was um that was my wake-up call.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_02: And um, I went ahead and began to uh do what I needed to do to make my way of escape.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_02: We wasn't living together or anything like that, thank God.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_02: But um, yeah.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_02: So it was just like a light bulb that went off.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: And uh just out of curiosity, did he get charged?
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_02: Well, uh uh that's the sad thing about it, because the first the first time it happened, there were there were multiple times of the abuse, uh, and that was the first time that it happened.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um my screams alerted my mom and dad that were because it happened in the alley right across from where we lived.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_02: And um while I was screaming, uh my parents came out and he ran off.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_02: And of course, when they got to me, I was bleeding and so forth, and so they took me right to the emergency room, and the policeman was there, and he asked, Do you want to press charges?
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_02: And Arlene said no.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_02: And it was simple because I didn't know, you know, I I did, I said no, and my mom was furious, and my stepfather, he was my stepfather, not my dad, but he um was ready to go after him.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, but I was afraid of what would happen if I if we pursued it.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't know whether, you know, he would come after me or he would try to come after my mom.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_02: I you know, just the fact that he did that to me in the in the alley, I didn't know if it would escalate and get even worse.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_02: And so that's why I I said I said no.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, but you know, in the years later, uh there were more uh abusive actions, and um I finally got the authorities involved.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_02: And that's how it came to an end.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_00: Gotcha.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, wow, I I am uh first of all, uh I'm really, really glad that you did.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um and and thankful um to our Lord for that.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I'm thankful that you're here to help to help other people, right?
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: To be um, I think it's uh I think one of our missions is to be of service uh to to one another as well as to God.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I I have another question um very closely related to that.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: So if if I'm if my daughter's in a relationship, are there signs after, like you know, we talked about after they get you?
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a sign, like is there a time right after you get in that situation and that behavior starts?
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is there a time where you say, I'm gone right now before it gets worse, before that person develops, starts to think they have ownership of you?
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if you can maybe nip it before they have ownership, is that something that might be helpful?
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh or as once they hit you the first time, it's just gonna you it's all over with.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I believe I I believe that when a person shows you they're real them, you better take heed.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_02: Because if they do it one time, you know, and they may come back and say, Oh, I'm sorry.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_02: Uh-uh.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_02: Because what made you think that you could do it this time, that you won't do this again.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_02: No, I'm not gonna give you an opportunity to do this again, you know.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_02: And so she makes up her mind, you know, and pray that he does not come become a stalker because some of them would, you know, would try to stalk you when you cut the relationship off and you said, I'm out, you know, and you going about your way.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_02: And so sometimes, you know, some men can't handle that.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_02: They want to be the one that step off and say, Hey, later for you, you know.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_02: But if the female cuts it, you know, sometimes it's that uh male ego, you know, that's wait a minute, I know you ain't dropping me, you know.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um, but yeah, yeah, it's when a person shows you their true color, you better pay attention.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_02: Because, you know, the word of God says from the abundance of the heart, the mouth will speak, you know, but so will the heart react.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_02: And so whatever's in your heart, it's gonna come out, and you better pay attention to what comes out.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: Early.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_02: And run, forest run.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, there you go.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: I I agree.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want to tell you something.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: I am uh, this has been marvelous.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like I am uh yes, I am so uh thankful that you took your time, Sister Peebles, to uh to be with us and to share your knowledge and your personal experience and um and that type of information.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and before we leave, I always ask our guests, is there anything you'd like to say uh to our listening audience?
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_02: Um one thing that I would like to say to uh the female, first of all, is that know your self-worth.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_02: Know your self worth when you understand that there is value in you, that you have great potential, that you have been created for purpose and on purpose, then you will make.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_02: The right decision to live a life that is free and not in bondage.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_02: I say that to any female that's listening, to the male, I say to the male, you must understand you have no control.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_02: If you can't even control yourself, how can you control someone else?
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_02: Pay attention to the life, or should I say, the environment.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_02: Why do I want to control another individual?
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_02: What happened to me as a boy?
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_02: Did someone uh abuse me?
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_02: Think about uh your own life.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_02: And once you come to that realization that I have no right, you know, my those rights were taken away from me as a young boy, but that still does not give me the right to take away somebody else's right.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_02: And when you come to that realization, then you will understand that that is not the life that God has ordained for you.
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_02: You will become, you too.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_02: I'm talking to the male now, you too have been created for such a time as this.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_02: You too have self-worth, you too uh it can come and be who God has created you to be, not for what the world says, but what God says.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_02: So uh come to the realization of who you really are, that you have been designed for purpose.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_02: He created you on purpose and for purpose.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_02: That's to every man and every woman that's listening to this broadcast.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_02: You have been created for purpose and on purpose, and it's up to you to discover what that purpose is.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_02: And when you discover what you've been purpose in this earth, no devil in hell will be able to take it away from you.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_02: Take that.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_02: You can take that to the bank and cash it, as they say.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_00: All right, all right, and I and and and I I absolutely agree.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think um uh that that was um a very powerful message.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_00: I would also say to men this there's a stigma attached to therapy.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's a stigma attached to therapy because we think we're tough and we don't need anything, right?
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that we uh that if we have therapy, it's somehow a weakness.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a couple of things to say about that.
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_00: Number one is um just like God put hospitals and doctors and all those other things here, so too did God put therapies here for us.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and number two is uh, you know, uh if you think about it and you're in that situation, your own best thinking got you there, right?
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you might want to get some outside thinking.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um so uh Sister Peoples, I'm telling you, I I am uh I'm leaving here inspired.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I certainly appreciate it.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: I I am sure that this message is gonna resonate with somebody.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you so very much for being with us today.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you for having me.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_02: It's been a pleasure.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_02: Always uh want to be um a help to someone who's in need because that's what we do.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_02: Amen.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_02: So thank you again for allowing us to come.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, ma'am.
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: As we discussed earlier in the podcast, these are the numbers or the contact information for domestic violence situations.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is www.thehotline.org.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can also call 1-800-799 SAFE.
• 48:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's 1-800-799233.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you can also text the word start to eight eight seven eight eight.
• 48:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's text the word start to eight eight seven eight eight.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, thank you so much for joining us.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_00: We hope that this was helpful for someone, and we will see you next time on Miles Behind, Miles Ahead.