Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #35: How to Raise Respectful, Responsible, Independent Adults While They're Living at Home and the Game-Changing Resource That Makes It Possible

Transcript

#35: How to Raise Respectful, Responsible, Independent Adults While They're Living at Home and the Game-Changing Resource That Makes It Possible · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm about to share with you today could be the best parenting resource you will ever receive.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you are living with your adult child and they are doing nothing with their lives but staying in the room hoping that you'll just leave them alone.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Even as I say this, I can't help but think how many times I've spoken those very same words on my social media posts.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And without fail, there are always some parents who make comments like this.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I could never kick my kid out.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or what else can they do?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's no jobs out there.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's this one.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care if they live with me forever.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even comment anymore, but I shake my head every time.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: What is it about some parents that think I'm suggesting they toss their adult child to the curb?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or that just because they've looked for jobs and had rejections, that there isn't anything else they can do with all that time except spend it alone in their room?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, why does it seem so acceptable for some parents to work full-time, cook, clean, pay all the bills, and cater to an adult child who lives like a lonely hermit in a dark and messy room?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what culture you're from, the bottom line is the same.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: What is going to happen to these adults when their parents are no longer around?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Teaching your adult kid how to be responsible, manage their own lives, and develop the skills they need to survive on their own should not even be an option.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that if you're still listening, it's because you know what I'm saying is true.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult kid can stay home if that works for you, but they have to contribute, participate, grow up, and create a life that has meaning.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Believe me, I know that I can sound a bit harsh, but if you knew me well, you'd understand that everything I say on this podcast is coming from a place of love and compassion.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not just for you and what you're dealing with, but for your adult kid who is truly stuck at this stage of their life.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Times are tough.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Social media is destructive.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: At video gaming, substance abuse, and what many experts call an unprecedented mental health crisis.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you've got an enormous amount of young adults hiding in their bedrooms, feeling lonely, hopeless, and quietly losing their minds.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I believe we should not give up on them.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Even though they are adults biologically, emotionally, and developmentally, they are children and they need our help.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let their physical size or their rude ass comments fool or intimidate you.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: If they're living in your home, entirely dependent on you, you have leverage.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: And with the right resource, you can make the most impactful change in your home and with your adult child.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you want your adult child to build a life where they are accountable, productive, and full of purpose, it can happen as long as there are expectations, consequences, structure, routine, and goals.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Together, these five pillars form the framework for creating a life that works, a life with direction, and one that they can be proud of.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to touch on these briefly because of how important they are.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: First is expectations.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking about responsibilities, their behavior, and the boundaries that matter most to you.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult kid needs to know exactly what's expected of them while living at home.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: No assumptions, no gray areas.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: You shouldn't be repeating yourself.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: When expectations are clear, there's no room for misunderstandings.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Second is consequences.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Without consequences, there's no reason to act and no desire to change.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Consequences connect behavior to outcome.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And whether they are positive or negative, consequences create the motivation we need to achieve the results we want.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps that's why nothing you say holds any water, because expectations without consequences are mere suggestions to them.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: They're very easy to ignore and impossible to enforce.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Third is structure.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Structure gives life order, purpose, and direction.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: It builds discipline, boosts confidence, and ensures progress.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Structure provides clarity and consistency.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Without it, we drift, we lose focus, and we fall into a state of chaos.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth is routine.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Routine creates stability through consistent action.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: It creates momentum, boosts productivity, and builds good habits.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Routine helps us to manage our time, reduce chaos, and it supports our mental health because it provides us with a sense of control in our lives.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the last pillar is goals.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Goals give life direction and meaning.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: They help us live with intention.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: They provide us with purpose, and purpose drives motivation.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Goals are the roadmap for creating a future we want.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And for your child, more than anything, goals give them something to work toward, a reason to keep moving, and a timeline to measure progress.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So can you see how important these five pillars are?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: So I ask you, which ones are missing in your adult kid's life?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: My guess is probably all.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you instill these?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: These, which I'm convinced are the very foundation for becoming a responsible, considerate, and confident adult.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: My suggestion is to curate a living together agreement.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: What is a living together agreement, you ask?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a written understanding between you and your adult child that clearly lays out your expectations, including their responsibilities, contributions, the boundaries, their behavior, and the consequences if they don't follow through.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: The goal here is to eliminate the constant nagging reminders and repeated conversations and for you to live together in a more respectful, peaceful environment.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, once they get over the initial shock that you're not going to tolerate being ignored or doing everything for them anymore, this agreement actually prepares them for adulthood.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not convinced, I'm going to give you four reasons why I know this living agreement will be the best resource you will ever use while living with your adult kid.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: First, it puts an end to the confusion.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're no longer repeating yourself a hundred times, hoping your adult child will finally get it.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is in writing.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Expectations are established, responsibilities are outlined, boundaries are set, consequences are clear.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: There will never be a need to repeat yourself.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: You simply refer to the agreement.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if something isn't working, sit down with the agreement and renegotiate it with them.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Second, it shifts the dynamic from parent-child to adult-adult.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: They need to stop acting like an entitled teenager, either by disrespecting you, ignoring you, or taking you for granted.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, they start realizing that they actually are capable of stepping up and behaving like an adult.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Third, it restores peace in your home.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: All of that negative energy, the silent treatments, the undertones of tension in every conversation slowly goes away.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: When everyone knows what's expected and what happens when those expectations aren't met, it creates a more respectful environment for everyone.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Think about what it's like when you're driving in a car.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: The solid lines, the signs, the streetlights, and the consequences that ensue if you violate anything.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: We drive around knowing what is expected of us.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And we understand that the consequences for not following through can be pretty severe.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, this is an extreme example, but my point is if you want to have peace in your home, this is how you're going to achieve it.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth, it protects your relationship.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: The longer you enable or allow this unhealthy dynamic, the more damage is getting done to your relationship.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: But when there is clarity, which this agreement provides, there is an improved connection.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: When you stop parenting them from a place of insecurity because you rarely follow through, your adult child will see you differently.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: The respect, the trust, even the love will grow, and your relationship will be so much healthier.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you'll probably develop a real friendship.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, it gives your child the push they need.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because putting it in writing says, I expect more from you because I believe you are capable.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: That belief alone can be incredibly inspiring.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm trying to say is this without a living together agreement, your home will always be a battlefield of resentment, entitlement, and complacency.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, your adult kid will remain disrespectful, unmotivated, and stuck in whatever situation they are currently in.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what you need to include when creating your own agreement.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Write out the shared household chores and the ones that are theirs alone.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Add in their personal responsibilities, including their self-care.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You'll need to define how you want to communicate and be respectful to one another.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Include their financial contributions if applicable.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget about screen time rules.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are critical for them and for you.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: The consequences if they drop the ball, even rewards when they step up.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, you'll want to include some of their goals.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they're not just living at home, but they're thinking about their future as well.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is not a quick process.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: You'll need to spend some time on it.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, for those of you who know about my parenting course, it does include a living together agreement with a detailed step-by-step guide to help you create a customizable version.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've already worked with parents using this model and it's been a game changer.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you don't want to wait for the course and you prefer to use what I've created, I've decided to make it available to everyone.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: The link is in the show notes.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I know what you might be thinking.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like a great idea, Sherry, but won't my kid feel like I'm treating them like a tenant or an employee?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let me clarify a few things.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: First, if you've had discussions with them in the past about their behavior and nothing has changed permanently, it's because verbal agreements alone don't carry any weight.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: When you write things down and review them together, you're providing clarity.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: They can't just tune you out anymore because they are agreeing to this in writing.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Second, you're modeling adulthood.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: In the real world, we sign agreements, but first, we review them, we read the fine print, we even negotiate, which they can do before we put pen to paper.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is a life skill, and you get to teach it to them.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, you're not being harsh.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're being clear while taking back your power.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I heard this from my guest, Bailey Garner from episode 21, and I love it so much, I'm going to repeat it.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Clarity is kindness.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: This living together agreement is you being clear on the best practices for all of you to live together respectfully and responsibly.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if the idea of this agreement makes you really uncomfortable, I'm guessing that you are parenting from a place of guilt.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or you're just really optimistic and hope that somehow they'll get it.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: But they won't.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: So look at it this way: you have nothing to lose by creating this agreement.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: But not having one is simply accepting that things will never change.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're getting to the end, and I want to say again that if you can create your own agreement, great.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: But if you want it done faster and easier with everything already mapped out, take a closer look, the one I've done for the course.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've left the link in the show notes.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I began this episode by telling you that this might be the best parenting resource you'll ever receive.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe that.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not just because it will help you to live in harmony with your adult kid, but also because it's preparing them for life.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I always feel bad when I say this.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: We won't always be here for our kids.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we need to know that they'll be okay without us.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.